Non-profit burnout: high functioning edition

January 21, 2019 5:58 PM

Unlike some non-profits, mine is large and well funded, but burnout has been creeping up on me ever since a co-worker passed away a couple of years ago. However, my burnout is pretty high-functioning and difficult for others to see. How can I persuade management to see that I have a real problem?

Quitting is not a great option right now as my partner might be out of a job in a few months. A crappy job is still a necessary one.

I'm weathering burnout amidst a perfect storm of factors:

- 5+ year job itch
- mid-career slump
- 40s, peri-menopausal
- dysfunctional management
- death of a co-worker
- stagnant career growth with no opportunities
- department wide low morale
- feeling that I don't belong there plus increasing isolation and distortion

It has taken me a long, long time to realize that I was burning out. The wake up call came this past week when I said something better left unsaid out loud plus I also cried almost non-stop during a different meeting with my supervisor. I also have been stealthily crying at work for so long that I can't remember when I started.

I'm experiencing grief and burnout on major levels. I still grieve for my co-worker, who was older than me, even though it has been over a year since they passed away. I grieve for the loss of my career as my skills grow stagnant from lack of training. I grieve for the person that I thought I could become through this organization. I'm the only person that does my job and I'm so exhausted. My attempts to make my job part time were rejected and instead more work was heaped on me. There wasn't enough budget to hire for another position, so I do 1.25 jobs.

However, work is still being completed and on time. It takes all my energy to appear normal but I'm starting to fail at that. Obviously I am doing a good job, but still feeling like a failure. I feel afraid to go into work most days, even though no one would hurt me there.

I told my supervisor months ago that I was burning out and they suggested the employee assistance number. The phone counselor seemed to think I was having a few crappy days and it didn't work out. The phone counselor said I needed to stop thinking about work when I was not at work.

For some reason I have also been seeing things that aren't there, like someone is behind me or the sidewalk ripples. I have been too ashamed to confide this in anyone.

I tried to talk to my supervisor again about the burnout last week in the same meeting, but they told me that I needed to get a grip on my emotions. As you can see, I am having trouble in the self-regulation department. I cried so much that I actually gave myself a black eye. Who knew?

I have been trying to take care of myself as best as I can, eating well, trying to get lots of sleep, etc. I'm not currently on any medications and don't self-medicate. My family life is good and my partner cares about me. I did take time off during the holidays, but it didn't seem to reset or refresh myself.

My next step is to see my doctor, but I'm worried that I will get the brush off from him. As people have preconceptions about what depression and burnout look like, how can I persuade others that this is really happening to me? How can I persuade my co-workers that this isn't just a crappy day or week or "every job sucks!"? I read the other non-profit burnout questions on here and I'm not sure they fit my situation, although they do have some good advice. TIA.

posted by anonymous to Work & Money (19 answers total)

Well, can you talk to your super about how your job can be modified to take it down to a sustainable level? Like, I would approach this (would actually have approached this a while ago, but hey here we are) from the perspective of, "I have too much on my plate and I will not be able to keep this up forever. What can we take off my plate so that the most important parts of my job can get done? If we don't do something here, my performance will soon start to slip." I'd come pre-loaded with some suggestions for what could be done to make my job more sustainable.

This assumes that your boss is a good boss though and that your workplace is not dysfunctional. It kinda sounds like neither of those things are true, which means that likely there is no solution and your choices are to escape with your sanity, or lose your sanity and see your life crumble around you.

You say you can't leave your job, but what if you got a different one? Start applying tomorrow.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 6:05 PM on January 21, 2019 [2 favorites]

Yes, see your doctor. It sounds like you are stressed for good reasons. Sometimes, you need a new job, because your job sucks. Start thinking about getting a new job. This is actually the perfect time for you or you and partner to start applying to new jobs. The new year and a labor shortage are in your favor. There's nothing wrong with getting a different job in a lower stress or for profit or part time employer. Nowhere in your post do you say anything good about your current job. Even if you love it, you can still just leave if they ask you for too much. That is your recourse when they ask you to do 1.25 jobs; leave and do zero for them. I encourage you to start making a plan to leave, preferably because you have a new offer.
posted by Kalmya at 6:07 PM on January 21, 2019 [3 favorites]

Do you have sick leave that you could use, or could you temporarily take unpaid leave under FMLA? Looking for another job is a good idea, but hard to handle if you're already working more than full time. If there's any way to take a break while keeping your job, do it.
posted by pinochiette at 6:14 PM on January 21, 2019

Maybe you have it backward? I’m thinking you should go to a doctor first, get a full workup, and have that knowledge and confirmation under your belt before you try to address the situation at work. It should give you a bit more clarity and authority about what is going on with you. Good luck!
posted by MountainDaisy at 6:15 PM on January 21, 2019 [13 favorites]

Also, on a practical level: get your eyes checked and consider whether you have a good computer set-up at work. When I had scratchy lenses and stress and needed a new prescription, I saw cats where there were none and had assorted other trivial visual disturbances. Getting new glasses resolved most of the problem, although it still kicks up when I have too much screen time plus stress.

IME, organizations that load people up with too much work don't change until they lose personnel. It's sad but true - asking, explaining and documenting get brushed off. You'll probably leave and then hear a year or two down the road that somehow they found the money to hire two people to replace you.
posted by Frowner at 6:16 PM on January 21, 2019 [14 favorites]

I am a veteran of several different social service agencies. I say get another offer and then your present job will negotiate. Otherwise I agree with Frowner-- they won't budge.
posted by 8603 at 7:01 PM on January 21, 2019

If you describe the crying at work and for how long it's been happening along with the other things like your grief, the negative atmosphere, that should be enough for any doctor to take you seriously. If they don't listen, go to another one.

If you can afford to, find a counsellor or psychologist not connected to your company who can help you with some coping strategies while you figure out your next steps, even 2-3 sessions would be good. Just having someone validate your experience will help. Psychologists and doctors should be quite familiar with this unfortunately.

Once you have a doctor's and or psychologists' recommendation you can take that to HR if you want to try to get accommodations and find a way to stay, but I've had a few friends burn out and leave large organizations and in general HR protects the company not the employee, for two of my friends that meant time for a lawyer to prove they were truly sick and it was really stressful for them (we are in Canada fwiw). I think convincing your coworkers that you're really hurting is not going to work because they are all likely in a similar place, but you can try to stand up for yourself and turn down extra work or ask your supervisor what to prioritize or start dropping balls to show you're overloaded. Right now you're complaining (not sure how loudly), but performing well, so your supervisor has little incentive to adjust anything. I also think finding another job would be best. Take all the leave you can now while you see the doctor and apply for some other jobs.

This episode of askamanager might be helpful.
posted by lafemma at 7:17 PM on January 21, 2019 [2 favorites]

work is still being completed and on time.

I'm going to guess that this is why your supervisor/managers refuse to see or act on the issue. Why should they hire anyone to help you when you appear to be doing the job just fine by yourself?

They are going to fail to see the problem until it causes a problem for them, work starts falling behind in a way that impacts them, etc. Until then, they will absolutely see this as simply an emotional problem on your part and not something they need to deal with.
posted by wondermouse at 7:19 PM on January 21, 2019 [11 favorites]

As gently as possible, I agree with wondermouse. If you are going to stay, you need to start letting things go. Do what is sustainable and let things sit undone. It’s not like they are in any position to go without you, but this won’t change until it is felt by the rest of the organization.
posted by advicepig at 7:36 PM on January 21, 2019

For starters, call in sick tomorrow and use the time to start the process of finding a therapist or to see your doctor. I think "crying uncontrollably at work for several months now" is probably the place to focus to get things taken seriously with your doctor. I think the person you actually want is a therapist or maybe even career coach, since I think it will help to discuss your grief and your sense of being stuck, and then to come up with concrete strategies for setting boundaries with your current job and start finding a new one.

Your coworkers don't need to believe you are going through burnout -- it's better for you if they don't assume anything you say is due to depression or burnout. You just need to start drawing boundaries. E.g., "yes, I can get that to you, but with my current workload, the soonest I can have a draft for you will be next Friday." "Can we talk about priorities? I'm not going to be able to manage both A and B given their timelines unless I get additional help. Can we move one of the timelines or get additional resources? No? Okay then I think we need to do a stripped down version of A, with no print edition, only a web version."

Once you get work down to a sustainable version of your job, then you will have a little energy to start figuring out how to find a new job, which will address the sense of stagnancy.

I really relate to the situation you're in and would be happy to talk more via memail.
posted by salvia at 8:11 PM on January 21, 2019 [6 favorites]

Oh, anon, I have been you. I’m so sorry you’re having this experience. Looking back, I very much wish I’d taken seriously how much burnout was affecting my mental health, and I wish I’d put up some boundaries at work sooner. You’re doing the right things - getting some care for burnout and depression is an important step - but try to imagine that it might be a step toward changing the situation (more sustainable workload? Some energy to think about a new situation?), not putting up with the intolerable?

Other people have said a lot of what I was going to say, but here’s a self care and burnout prevention resource I’ve found useful and used with my staff. It’s designed for entry level social workers but isn’t specific to that field or beginner professionals. At the very least it’ll put your situation in context, but also the self care plans are awesome.

Feel free to PM me if you want to chat about this, commiserate, etc! My solution was ultimately to go work in government where there are built-in boundaries, but I stuck it out for a long time and am happy to share some strategies...
posted by centrifugal at 9:44 PM on January 21, 2019 [3 favorites]

I think if you open up about the visual hallucinations to a healthcare professional, they're going to be rightly disinclined to brush you off. I know that one is probably the weirdest-feeling to talk about, but it's an unambiguous sign that something significant is going on with you. That's my immediate response to what you've written here. Dealing with your organization is a different kettle of fish and not one I have a confident response to.
posted by Smearcase at 10:55 PM on January 21, 2019 [4 favorites]

Should you look for another job, be alert for red flags in the interviewing process. You don't want to go from the frying pan into the fire in your eagerness to escape an untenable situation. Good luck. I feel for you.
posted by kate4914 at 11:03 PM on January 21, 2019

My next step is to see my doctor, but I'm worried that I will get the brush off from him.

That is stress speaking. From what you've described you have legitimate medical concerns and I don't think any doctor is going to brush you off. I agree it would be best to go to the doctor first and have them sign you off sick for a while - during that time off you can reset and start looking for new work.

This organisation has made it abundantly clear it doesn't care about you.
posted by unicorn chaser at 12:24 AM on January 22, 2019 [1 favorite]

Gently, I think this is far more than burnout. Agree with those who say you should get help from your doctor. Are you a minimizer? (Everything is great! I'll get working on that right away!) I am and that makes it hard for me to convey serious problems to others, even when I recognize what's going on. It sounds like you've tried to be open with your boss but they are casting you as hysterical or dramatic instead of readjusting your duties? You do not need to "get a grip on your emotions," and you do not "have trouble in the self regulation department!"

Don't minimize when you see the doc. Tell them everything you've said here. Print out your question, if you think you'll inadvertently minimize your symptoms. The visual hallucinations can seem scary /shameful but they are also really really common in people who have complicated grief, as well as a host of medical illnesses.

Good luck
posted by basalganglia at 12:54 AM on January 22, 2019 [6 favorites]

Yes, while you look for a that new job (because these people obviously do not care about your well-being) you should dial back your level of caring about this one. They have demonstrated that they don't care about you—you need to care less about them. They will not protect you, so you must protect yourself. Please don't be a martyr.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 2:59 AM on January 22, 2019

Lots of good advice here. I just want to add that the death of a coworker has been, in my experience, one of the most difficult types of deaths to deal with. I too work for a nonprofit. About four years ago I lost two colleagues within a month of each other, and I think of them to this day. I worked closely with them, and forged more intimate relationships with them than I did with colleagues in my for-profit career. The death of a colleague can be a really profound loss that we’re not always well equipped to discuss or process. Best of luck, anon. I’ll be thinking of you and hoping you get the help you need from your doctor and others.
posted by cheapskatebay at 3:41 AM on January 22, 2019 [4 favorites]

For some reason I have also been seeing things that aren't there, like someone is behind me or the sidewalk ripples. I have been too ashamed to confide this in anyone.

This can be a symptom of sleep disturbance. Having sleep disturbance also makes everything else harder to handle and emotionally draining - even if you don't consciously feel tired. How are you sleeping? If it isn't well - mention that to your doctor. You can do a home sleep study to determine whether you are having issues with getting enough rest. If that's true, it might be easy to treat and that can buy you some energy to pursue other solutions to this tough situation.
posted by Miko at 12:31 PM on January 22, 2019

You need a break. Go to your doctor - do not downplay how you've been feeling. Get as much sick leave as you can and explore counselling and potentially medication. I say this because I could have written your post word-for-word a couple of years ago. I am no longer in that terrible place but it didn't change overnight - and rest was the key.

Firstly just a straight out stop for a couple of weeks - emergency sick leave. I was initially very resistant but also sick of the constant crying and too tired to fight any more. My GP then prescribed a low dose of anti-anxiety meds to stop my brain machine-gunning any attempt to set boundaries, and that helped me manage my emotions to the point of being able to negotiate a period of reduced workload and some extended additional leave later that year.

It wasn't quick or easy but I'm calm and happy now, have been off medication for a year and have a much clearer sense of how to make working work for me.

I disclosed nothing to my boss, except to supply a medical note authorising the initial week week off, and the rest was worked through with my GP and counselling - neither had links to my employer.

Eventually I decided to change jobs. I'm in the midst of that now and it's all good, but I could not have got here without having had some space to just rest, and recontextualise my sense of self outside of what I do for a paycheck.

You can totally do this. Take the first step. Talk to your Dr.
posted by freya_lamb at 11:46 AM on January 23, 2019 [2 favorites]