Should I be addressing people by name when I greet them?

January 20, 2019 6:57 PM

I realized that most of the people I know greet me by saying, "Hi, [brook horse]" (or similarly, going past be or accidentally bumping into me, "Sorry, [brook horse]!" or "excuse me, [brook horse]." I almost never do this unless there's a chance it's not clear who I'm talking to. Is it more polite to use people's names when you greet them?

I'm in the Midwest in case it's a culture thing. I'm neurodivergent and most of my social knowledge comes from scripting, so I'm wondering if this is a script I need to update. This is something that happens to me constantly even in situations where I'm the only person there, and/or I've greeted them first, so there's no potential confusion about who they're talking to.

I find it super weird and almost less personal because if we're making eye contact and both acknowledging each other already, why would you need to say my name? (But I also have weird feelings about being called my name in general re: potential gender stuff, so that might just be because of that.) Is it just to let me know that you do, in fact, remember my name? Should I be doing this, to let people know that I do in fact know their names? I find it pretty uncomfortable to do so because it feels like I'm calling attention to it in a weird way. Maybe I'm just not used to it, but I don't really like being greeted like that or doing it to other people.

But I'm trying to improve my social skills, so if it's considered more polite to do that, I'll make an attempt. So, is this a manners thing I should be working on? Or just a weird cultural/geographical quirk?

posted by brook horse to Society & Culture (29 answers total)

People like hearing the sound of their own names, generally.
Yes it is polite but you don't have to do it.

As a professor tho, I go out of my way to use names that may be harder to pronounce.
posted by k8t at 7:02 PM on January 20, 2019 [4 favorites]

I found this a little jarring when I came to the Midwest as I associate someone using my name with them having something Serious and Negative to say To Me Right Now. I think other cultures around the world also use people’s names more. I think they’re saying it to be nice though and it’s kust something to get used to.
posted by bleep at 7:07 PM on January 20, 2019 [14 favorites]

You know, I feel exactly the same way about this as you. But I too have noticed that it is a Thing People Do, so I try to make an effort. (I am often secretly terrified that I am going to misremember their name, so I don't say it, but I am working on that.) I notice that the Sales staff at work are particularly likely to greet someone by name, and they are a pretty extroverted, pretty schmoozy bunch (it's a job requirement, I guess) so I kinda assume that on some level anyway it works as a tactic for forging connections with people.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 7:10 PM on January 20, 2019

It’s neither polite nor impolite either way, so there’s no need to be concerned that you’re getting it wrong. It’s more of a personal style thing.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 7:57 PM on January 20, 2019 [8 favorites]

It throws me a little because I have a hard time remembering people's names and I get sidetracked inside my head (what IS this person's name? I know I know it... but WHAT is it?) I feel like I should be able to name them back but often can't access their name in my head until the moment has passed. D'oh!

I'm in Austin and people use names most of the time, but I don't find it offputting that they address me by name; I just feel caterwaumpus cuz I can't reciprocate.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 7:57 PM on January 20, 2019 [3 favorites]

It doesn’t come naturally to me either, and I also feel a tang of inauthenticity about it like you suggest. I am also neurologically marginal.

Yes, yes, yes — using people’s given names is worth oodles of social/professional points. It is interpersonal butter. Apply generously. Write it into your sub-routines.
posted by Construction Concern at 8:16 PM on January 20, 2019 [3 favorites]

I'm neuro-typical (I assume) and I notice people do this all the time with me. They use my name when there's no need. I have a very hard time remembering people's names, so all this does is make me feel bad about myself. It does not give me the good feelings people talk about. I do not like hearing the sound of my name. I don't even like my own name. That famous quote about someone's own name being the most beautiful word in any language is bs.

I use people's names if it's unclear who I'm speaking to, calling their attention, etc. Sometimes, if I'm really trying to impress someone (want a job, promotion, etc.) I'll match what they do. If they use my name a lot, I'll reciprocate. If they write "Dear X" in an email and sign it fully, I'll do the same. But otherwise, nah. I'd really be happier if fewer people called me by my name, and so I'm not going to perpetuate this nonsense.
posted by greermahoney at 8:38 PM on January 20, 2019 [9 favorites]

it's fingernails on a blackboard to me. Can't stand it when it does happen (luckily in my crowded west coast town it's not common.) I actively dislike my name, for one thing; but also, something about having it spoken by random people feels invasive.

The only time I think it is called for is in situations where there is some question as to whether one's name HAS been remembered, and then it's a signal of respect to affirm that it has. You know the situation I mean? Like if someone of higher social standing, whom I've met only briefly, greets me by name, that's makes me feel good. But otherwise, pass.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:51 PM on January 20, 2019 [9 favorites]

I don't like it when people use my name excessively in conversation. It may be them trying to be polite but it just feels slightly.... condescending to me. If I were you I would only use it when I'm trying to get someone's attention or for emphasis, i.e. "so-and-so, you did an awesome job today". It may be somewhat outside of the norm where you are, but in the grand scheme of things this is a small deal. As long as you're not breaking other, more important social norms, this shouldn't have much of an effect on your interactions with people either way.
posted by Amy93 at 9:16 PM on January 20, 2019 [7 favorites]

I'm annoyed when people I don't (and will not)know socially address me by my 1st name...especially after they've been calling me pet names.
posted by brujita at 9:18 PM on January 20, 2019

I appreciate being called by my name now and then. Nothing makes me feel better in the morning than to have the baristas at my favorite Starbucks greet me by name. Almost like when Norm comes into the bar on Cheers.
posted by lhauser at 9:23 PM on January 20, 2019 [2 favorites]

I grew up in the Midwest and don't tend to use people's first names a lot, because I also have a secret irrational fear that I'll get their name wrong (like, it worries me even if I've been good friends with the person for decades and obviously know their name). I do think I use people's names less often than average, but it doesn't seem to register as weird to anyone. I'm a therapist and have reasonably high emotional/interpersonal skills, so I feel reasonable saying that I don't think it needs to be a thing. I'm also someone who doesn't really identify with my own name all that much, so that may play into for me.
posted by lazuli at 9:43 PM on January 20, 2019 [2 favorites]

I realize that this is *a thing* for me but I absolutely DESPISE people saying my name. I like my name! I hate when people I know & love use it, and I absolutely cannot stand when salespeople or baristas or that sort of thing use it (granted, I never give a real name at Starbucks, etc., so it's not as much of an issue). I basically never use people's names when talking to them (I'll use them in 3rd person of course, when I am talking about someone who's not there). Better than when a vendor at work refers to me and other women as "ladies", but only barely.

I had a boss who used to use my name a lot. We didn't get along for other reasons but I continually remember how much I hated it.

This is all to say that it is a thing some people do, it is a thing some people do not do, it is probably cultural a little bit, but it also probably doesn't matter that much either way. It is not something that I think you need to go out of your way to do if it doesn't come naturally to you.
posted by brainmouse at 9:48 PM on January 20, 2019 [9 favorites]

People say my name wrong about 50% of the time, so... on the one hand it's a quick shorthand letting me know whether someone is really a friend or not, but on the other hand when it's wrong it's grating. I think people do it just to try to be a bit less impersonal (especially when moving past you), but any other kind of greeting is fine, too (I'm bad at remembering names so I work on a cheery, "Hi there!" or "Hi, friend!" instead). I wouldn't worry about trying to shoehorn people's names in.
posted by TwoStride at 9:58 PM on January 20, 2019

Being greeted by name feels fine and normal (but being greeted without it is equally fine). The other examples you give, and the thing where some people keep using your name in conversation - that feels inauthentic and condescending to me. (Someone mentioned sales staff above, and that is exactly what it makes me think of - someone trying to sell me something.)

However, I've never lived in the Midwest.
posted by trig at 11:18 PM on January 20, 2019 [1 favorite]

It always feels smarmy and overwrought to me, but I've only lived on the coasts.
posted by thegreatfleecircus at 11:50 PM on January 20, 2019 [4 favorites]

I'm a non-neurotypical non-binary person currently presenting as a woman in society, and I was raised by a non-neurotypical woman. I've always found calling people by their name when we're talking directly super, super weird and generally avoid doing it, and I'm also not particularly into it when people use my name in the same way.

When I was a small kid I had near-OCD levels of fear and avoidance around using people's names; I was convinced for some reason that I would get their names wrong and it would be embarrassing, even when they were the names of people I knew well (like my cousin who went to the same school as me). I also noticed that my family, especially my non-neurotypical mother, basically never used people's names when talking to them and I guess as a kid I osmosed that this was The Way You Talk To People.

As an adult I agree that it has a salesy/marketingy feel to it when people do it (marketing emails that address me by name, etc.). I went on a luxury cruise a few years ago, and the fact that the staff are trained to call each passenger by name at every opportunity made me want to sink through the floor and die, it was so embarrassing. I get that this is considered "good service" (for some values of good service; feels US-centric to me as a British person), but genuine good service for me is service that makes me feel at ease, which is not calling me by my first name at every interaction.

I should mention that I don't hate my name at all and there's no issue with being reminded about it; it just feels weird and intrusive and transgressive to have someone call me by it when they're already speaking directly to me (like, I know who I am and I know they know who I am, so why are we wasting words on identifying me specifically?).

Is this a thing you need to add to your script to make yourself more socially acceptable to some people? I come out on the side of "meh, maybe some people would appreciate it a little more than what you already do, but it's probably fine not to add this into the mix". The world is already designed to meet the needs of nice normal neurotypical people and personally I'm kind of bored of this being the default expectation that everyone else is expected to behave up towards.

I struggle with greeting people generally and making eye contact with people I work with when I first see them in the morning; it feels like an excruciating and largely pointless interaction to me unless we have something specific we need to talk about. I've adjusted to this by making the effort with the handful of people whom I know care about being greeted when I know I also need to be able to work with them effectively and maintain a good relationship. Everyone else gets something on the spectrum from "hi" in a weird high-pitched voice (because how the heck are you supposed to make your voice sound normal in these interactions), to an awkward wave or nod, to literally nothing and me obviously trying to avoid making eye contact depending on how anxious vs gregarious I'm feeling, and I think this is adequate and doesn't make me feel like I have to do Even More Work than I already do to make my social behaviour acceptable to neurotypical people. I generally follow the moral of this cake and try not to worry too much if the neurotypical people around me think I'm weird or awkward.
posted by terretu at 4:07 AM on January 21, 2019 [5 favorites]

Hmm what an interesting contrast of opinions. To me when people I respect use my name it's a good thing, it makes me feel I am acknowledged and valued (enough to have my name remembered, at least!) - Having said that, I am only cool with this in work and personal situations (it helps I love the people I work with!) because as some of you say it can feel awkward when a stranger does it, especially if they like to pepper it into their sentences...so weird that uttering a first name is so personal - maybe we should all go back to the good ole days when we were referred to by our titles and surnames...hah!
posted by carpenoctum at 4:45 AM on January 21, 2019 [2 favorites]

I grew up in the Midwest. I typically don't use people's names, except to get their attention. I do use people's names more as I am getting to know them or if they are an acqacquaintance. To me it is a sign of respect to use a name with someone I am not close to or do not like. It is somewhat distancing to say someone's name a lot in a more intimate relationship (close friend or colleague).

However, I think there are huge differences in regional and class behaviors within the Midwest. This is just my useage.
posted by Kalmya at 4:50 AM on January 21, 2019 [1 favorite]

Wow, I'm surprised at some of these responses because I use names pretty frequently and it honestly never occurred to me that people might be...offended or annoyed by it? I'm not peppering my conversation with them, but it seems perfectly natural to me to greet someone I know when I run into them with "Hi, Cathy! How are you?" or whatever. I'm not trying to show anything by it, it's just...what I would call the person. Because it's their name. I probably wouldn't say it more than once in an interaction, though. And I certainly don't care, or even notice, if people don't use my name back (unless they look confused and I feel like I have to identify myself and where I know them from).
posted by cpatterson at 5:21 AM on January 21, 2019

I think the short answer is that no one will notice that you don't call people by their names very much as long as it doesn't cause you to hesitate to the point where you don't even feel comfortable doing it in situations where it is pretty necessary, like when you need to specifically get that person's attention, or you're introducing two people to each other for the first time.

I think there are some theories that it makes people feel seen, or even that it makes them like you more. Some people can surely get away with doing it for that reason alone but there are others out there doing it thinking they're pulling some kind of jedi mind tricks on people and really just coming off smarmy or even kind of PUA-ish. With people one knows well it usually comes off affectionately, but if there's baggage there (coughmymothercough) it can sound kind of scoldy. I've also noticed situations where white people say other white people's names a lot and really hesitate with everyone else's names, even when pronunciation isn't an issue, which does NOT come off well, obviously.

Personally I would love it if people called me Ms. Lastname. Guess I should have become a schoolteacher.
posted by lampoil at 6:21 AM on January 21, 2019 [1 favorite]

In general, I find it super weird, creepy and off-putting when people use my name when there isn't a need to. Particularly people who don't know me well. One time, a guy who only knows me as a friend of friends through facebook, used my name and that was maximum creepy to me. Like trying to score brownie points by proving he knows who I am. All of the nope. If we haven't been introduced, don't use my name.

For me, using my name unnecessarily always has an air of "you're in trouble". Like a parent using your full name (I don't have a middle name so I never really got that treatment)

There are obvious exceptions. In a faceless group setting, a person of respect or authority like your boss or boss' boss greeting you by name could be a good thing, so long as its not a prelude to you being in trouble and not overdone. It shows they know who you are and can make you feel noticed/valued.
posted by missmagenta at 7:12 AM on January 21, 2019 [5 favorites]

I skimmed so I may have missed it, but: use of a name by the speaker is a pretty commonly accepted neuro-hack to help people who have trouble remembering names for whatever reason. I absolutely do it, because I'm AWFUL at remembering names.

The trick is not to be all salesy about it; you stop well before you sound like "Nice to meet you, Dave; I'm looking forward to working with you. You know, Dave, when I was in Hoboken last week... Dave .... Dave ... Dave" & etc.
posted by uberchet at 7:17 AM on January 21, 2019 [2 favorites]

In cases like the ones you describe - with people you already know, rather than strangers - I notice when people include names a lot, because I don't like it. I do NOT notice when they don't. So maybe adding names will blend in with the local standard where you are, but I doubt there's much harm in leaving them out.

I had to train myself as an adult to say something like "how are you", and that seems to do OK? I think the key is that by being specific, the other person sees that you recognize them as an individual, rather than just "here is a person."

This is an interesting question.

Context: Not-quite-Midwestern US. Hate my name with a passion. Neurotypical (I score highly on those internet tests, but my therapists have never handed me a plaque that says "congrats, you're neurodivergent" so no). Introvert, not very chatty, which I think plays into it too.
posted by cage and aquarium at 7:50 AM on January 21, 2019

As others have mentioned, I tend to use people's names in salutations when I am attempting to signal that I am open to more closeness in whatever relationship we tend to have, mostly because learning names is difficult to begin with. Then I slowly revert back to saying "hey how are you" when that bond has been established and we both know we know each other without having to use names.
posted by Young Kullervo at 8:53 AM on January 21, 2019

I'm curious what specific settings you're noticing this in, and if you have other examples besides greetings and "pardon me's" (and maybe explicit shifts of conversation topic?) when this happens.

Using names with these parts of conversation is incredibly common at my workplace (non-Midwestern, still very friendly) and within some of my friend groups. I think it's just a social mannerism/behavior that has caught on? Part of me thinks it's a way to be/sound more personal with casual chit-chat, like, to be explicit that you are greeting *them* and asking *them* how they're doing, and that you're not just using "greeting words" because we have to. It's a verbal way to show focus (or change of focus, like "I know we're talking, but I need to reach behind you, sorry," or "This is totally unrelated, but I just remembered something to tell you..."). I get that it doesn't make logical sense when there's no one else there, but it's usually intended/expressed in a pleasant way, at least. Of course, when condescending or fake-friendly people do it, it comes across in a condescending or fake-friendly way, so maybe that's what you're picking up on, too.

But it's different if you're talking about people you don't know as well. For me, that's more like the salespeople tone, and it's more repetitive/intrusive (part of more than 2-3 sentences), and it's gross and infuriating.

Either way, you should do whatever makes you feel most comfortable.
posted by unknowncommand at 9:29 AM on January 21, 2019

Came to say what uberchet said. When I'm first introduced to someone, I try to use their name to cement it in my own mind (which tends to be forgetful). Other than that, not much. I don't think it's regional or especially polite/impolite.
posted by adamrice at 11:00 AM on January 21, 2019

*gasp* this thread is full of my people, I'm sure it's selecting for us but I just want to pile on because I have a lot of feelings. My name is fine but I'm not attached to it and don't like hearing it, I feel like anyone who says it too much is trying to sell me something, and I went by a ridiculous nickname for years because it felt a little better to hear.

I'm from the east coast and live in the Midwest, and I don't perceive regional variations in this nearly as much as my normal vs. normal people's normal. I almost definitely picked this up from my parents, who both do it -- I've heard them say each other's real names a vanishingly small number of times in my life. We are weird people but we get by ok; I would say your script is fine.
posted by clavicle at 9:56 AM on January 22, 2019

The most beautiful word for many people is the sound of their name as spoken to them. Yes, many people like it when you use their name.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:31 PM on January 22, 2019