Is it weird for your bf to talk to his ex?
December 27, 2018 9:34 PM   Subscribe

The guy i’m with still talks to his ex does that mean he is still into her?

At first me and this guy were just casually hooking up. About a month in he got a text from his ex yelling at him for sleeping with this other girl. He responded by saying that he wasn’t sleeping with her and didn’t say that he was sleeping with me. He told me that she didn’t have any right to be angry with him since they weren’t even together for a while before we started hooking up. He told me the whole story of him and his ex.
He said that they dated for a couple months during college then did long distance (only an hour). He broke up with her because he said that he would hate driving the hour to see her and then he would get there and they’d run out of things to talk about after 5 minutes. He also said that she refused to take him to the airport one day and that he also just didn’t want a girlfriend were two other reasons he broke up with her. For a couple months before we met they hooked up occasionally but he was also sleeping with other people and they weren’t “together”.
After a couple months me and this guy got to the point where we decided to be exclusive. I started to notice every once in a while I would see her name pop up on his phone but just pushed it out of my mind. Then one night he got a call from her and left the room to answer. When he came back I asked him if they were getting back together and that I didn’t want to get in between anything. He said that he still cared about her but they weren’t together and he didn’t have intention of getting back with her and that they weren’t even together before. He said that he didn’t want me to think that I came second at all and that he wasn’t in love with her.
After another couple months me and him were together but without the official label but everyone knew us as a couple. I noticed that every once in a while he would still get a notification from her. I took his phone and saw that she would normally text him first and he would be short or just not reply so I stopped worrying about it.
Last week we were all in the same town for the first time and I was slightly worried he was going to see her. But he brought me around his friends that weekend and I know they didn’t hook up so I figured they were definitely over. And then she stalked my instagram so I knew that she somehow found out about me. I figured that he definitely wouldn’t talk to her anymore. But a week later I once again saw her name pop up on his phone. I also noticed that she isn’t following him on instagram anymore but he still follows her.

*I do honestly believe everything he says since he’s a very honest person

Should I be worried about her? or do you think they really are just friends? Can you just be friends with an ex? in my personal experience i would not be able to be friends with an ex which is why it scares me.
posted by laurensmith to Human Relations (21 answers total)
 
*I do honestly believe everything he says since he’s a very honest person

Should I be worried about her?


So, this would seem pretty straightforward: if the first sentence is actually true, then the answer is "no." If it isn't actually true, then the answer is "yeah, maybe."

And since you posted this question, I don't think you honestly believe everything he says, because there wouldn't be a question to post if that were the case. So the answer is "yeah, maybe."
posted by tzikeh at 10:02 PM on December 27, 2018 [3 favorites]


Should I be worried about her? or do you think they really are just friends? Can you just be friends with an ex?

Probably not, probably not, sometimes.

Stop looking at his phone for starters.
posted by vrakatar at 10:03 PM on December 27, 2018 [4 favorites]


Plenty of people stay close with exes, for all kinds of reasons.

Some people decide they make better friends than lovers. Others break up amicably and don't want to divide the friendgroups they're in and still see each other socially. Still others feel like the intense experiences they shared during dating mean they're someone they can trust. These people probably outnumber the ones who are going behind their current partners' backs.
posted by Jon_Evil at 10:08 PM on December 27, 2018 [1 favorite]


Sounds to me like he thinks the lines of least resistance with the ex is to never initiate, rarely answer and generally be short with her rather than creating a massive issue by telling her to stop contacting her. Sounds like she is still into him, but not the other way around.

I would not worry. I would also not look at his phone. I would also accept him at his word that you are it for him.
posted by AugustWest at 10:22 PM on December 27, 2018 [11 favorites]


Well, the question is: is this relationship meeting your needs? Do you want more and you’re not getting it? Or is it good?

If it’s meeting your needs and it’s good and you feel like you both feel the same about each other, then it’s probably all fine.

But if you feel like he’s resisting the relationship that you want, or if he seems ambivalent, that’s a problem regardless of her. It sounds like it’s been more of a thing for her than for him.

It may be that he’s keeping in contact with her because he likes the attention and ego stroking, even if he’s not that into her. What’s he getting out of on-going contact with her?

Yes, it’s possible for people to be friends, but it doesn’t sound like they are friends exactly, but more like exes who are still in touch.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:33 PM on December 27, 2018 [3 favorites]


As others have said, the question here is "are you okay being in a relationship with someone who has a past in close proximity and who handles it in a different way than you would?" If not, then that's okay. If so, that's okay.
posted by holgate at 10:38 PM on December 27, 2018 [2 favorites]


For a couple months before we met they hooked up occasionally but he was also sleeping with other people and they weren’t “together”.

Just re-read your question and saw this. So a lot of people do this, and it’s not necessarily the healthiest relationship behavior. Was he stringing her along? Was she into him and he didn’t really reciprocate?

I’m not saying their relationship is a problem, but just keep your eyes open. He may be someone without excellent boundaries.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:43 PM on December 27, 2018 [5 favorites]


Yeah, no. Something is very off about this. She texted him wondering if he was with someone else? No matter what the reason, this is going to cause issues since he is still engaging with her.

Nothing about this passes the smell test. You seem like you want more than "hooking up." and this guy has said, in your words, that he doesn't want a gf.

You're looking for a way to be ok with something you're uncomfortable with.

I suggest this dude is very likely not worth the trouble. I'm probably wasting my breath here, but you asked, so this is my opinion, given lots and lots of dating experience.
posted by liminal_shadows at 11:02 PM on December 27, 2018 [7 favorites]


The basic answer: Yes, people can be friends with exes, but this does not mean that everyone who is in contact with exes has a healthy relationship with them.

I'm varying degrees of friends with my significant exes, for instance, and none of us want to get back together. My partner is friends with an ex who has also become my friend. We have, I think, healthy relationships - basically we're just friends who know a lot about each other.

On a specific level:

Probably don't get in the habit of looking at people's phones. That is the nuclear option - if you were married to this guy, for instance, and you had very good physical evidence that he was lying to you a lot, and you were worried about your health due to cheating and gearing up for a divorce, for instance. In extreme cases, you do what you have to do, but in other circumstances it is pretty unfair to the other person.

What I'm hearing from your account is that she is texting him way more than he is texting her and he is a generally honest person. He has told you several times that he wants to be with you, not her. He's done all the boyfriend stuff. You're not noticing that he's mysteriously gone at weird times for no reason. I mean, anyone can cheat and sometimes surprising people can be liars, but what you're describing here sounds like his ex isn't quite over him and they still have some residual ties. I think this is pretty common, especially when people are younger and have the free time for a lot of socializing.

I think that relationships without a clear cut-off (ie, when you keep sleeping together casually between relationships) sometimes generate weak ties like this because there isn't a clean break. With a big break-up, it's kind of obvious that you're done; if you're still hooking up, it's not so clear.

I look back on the early days of some of my good, long term relationships when I was younger and I know that I had a lot of anxious/jealous feelings that were a big deal to me but not founded in reality. I think that's pretty common, especially with the phones and the friends with benefits and the longer sequence that has developed from "we're going on dates" to "we're exclusive". (Which I find stressful, actually)

My thought is that you need to evaluate whether you trust the person and whether they are generally truthful and kind. If you do, then you should work on not worrying about these occasional texts - they may reflect emotional residue from their long previous relationship, but they're just residue. If you don't basically trust someone, they're not good relationship material in general and you should move on.

Also, what are your own patterns of thought? I am a worrier and a brooder, and I can easily get into the habit of inventing stupid, over-complex explanations for people's actions. If you tend to do this, learning to talk yourself down is very helpful - remind yourself that just because something worries you doesn't mean it's real. (If you don't do this, don't tell yourself to doubt yourself - you probably know by now if you brood and freak out a lot.)
posted by Frowner at 12:38 AM on December 28, 2018 [13 favorites]


He said that he still cared about her but they weren’t together and he didn’t have intention of getting back with her and that they weren’t even together before.

After another couple months me and him were together but without the official label but everyone knew us as a couple


These seem to be part of the same pattern. Some people keep both past and potential partners in a limbo of ambiguousness, never fully committing but never truly breaking it off, so they can be with whoever is the most fun to be with (and least likely to call them out on their bullshit) and keep the others on the back burner. If things go south with you, he can go back to her and tell her that you and he “weren’t even together” so no worries. And maybe he’ll string you along for a while afterwards, and you’ll eventually get back together but not “officially” together so he can keep that plausible deniability.

It is entirely possible for people to be good friends with their exes and have a healthy romantic relationship with another person, but I don’t think that’s what’s happening here.

And I wouldn’t give much weight to his “very honest person” claim without evidence to back it up. I know the advice is “when someone tells you who they are, believe them” but I think that applies more to negative characteristics. Some people will describe themselves in terms of what they want other people to think, not in terms of how they are, and when they act counter to that self-description, they can deny it: “Why would I do that? I’m a very honest person?” Or: “How can you accuse me of that? I told you, I’m a very honest person!” Watch out for this.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:40 AM on December 28, 2018 [12 favorites]


All of the ex-relationship drama you've described is one of the reasons why people advocate no contact after a breakup. She doesn't sound like she's over it and he may or may not be emotionally over it, but is also getting something out of all of this (attention? centrality? triangulation? a potential back up plan? needing to look like the good guy who can still be friends?) that's preventing him from going no contact with her. It's not a mark of potential relationship greatness and doesn't inspire trust. It's ok to be uncomfortable with this and to walk away from it.
posted by jazzbaby at 5:10 AM on December 28, 2018 [5 favorites]


It sounds like you want him to stop talking to his ex-that is a fine thing to want. Ask him to stop talking to his ex. See what he says, see what he does in the wake of the conversation, decide whether that stuff is acceptable to you. Keep talking and listening and paying attention.

To me, your relationship seems uncertain and unsettled, in the manner of many relationships among young people, and you should be prepared for it to end abruptly for one reason or another. One reason that it might end is that he's not into relationships where people ask for their needs to be met, but if that's the case then better to find out sooner than later. You want to be able to ask for your needs to be met in your relationships, rather than silently fit yourself into whatever space is made available for you.
posted by Kwine at 5:34 AM on December 28, 2018 [5 favorites]


If you felt secure in your relationship, his current relationships with exes/ friends/ whoever wouldn't matter to you. So why don't you feel secure in this relationship?
posted by metasarah at 5:57 AM on December 28, 2018


It seems you don't feel really secure right now in this relationship. I know in the past, I've felt incredibly insecure in relationships where my 'partner' refused to acknowledge our commitment (if it's just a label, then what is the problem with letting me feel secure?).

In my experience, people like his ex are behaving insecurely because they were in relationships with guys who are equivocal and avoidant.

No one needs to be in a relationship like that. There are lots of good, honest men who will never make you doubt yourself or their commitment to you. Make that a criteria for anyone you are considering as a possible bf.
posted by thelastpolarbear at 6:54 AM on December 28, 2018 [4 favorites]


I don't think he's doing anything specifically, actively nefarious at the moment, but his behavior as you describe it seems soooo wishy-washy and noncommittal - with her, with you, with his friends. Don't date/fuck people who aren't thrilled to be with you and won't admit you're together. Even if you are not currently looking for a long-term partner and this is just for something to do, just staying warm for the winter or whatever, you can still do it with people who are decisive and communicative and proactive and mindful about ALL their friendships and relationships, instead of this guy. For sure, do not date people like this if you're looking for a long term relationship, and sure as hell don't ever, accidentally or on purpose, get pregnant with one.

MOST of the time, Wishy Washy Guy is that way because he's keeping his options open. A lot of times he just doesn't want to be alone at any cost, and so will pass time with whoever is around and willing and sufficiently attractive/statusworthy for his friends to see him with, but will always be looking over your shoulder for the woman he thinks he deserves that is better than you.

There's good dudes out there who don't have one or more confused women bobbing along in his wake, for sure. This one doesn't sound high-quality.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:51 AM on December 28, 2018 [16 favorites]


I'm quite close with a number of my exes - I got together with them because I like them as people, and while the relationship may not have worked out we still like and trust each other. I honestly think it's a huge warning sign when someone isn't friends with any of their exes, because I figure that means they're going to drop me out of their lives at some point too.

So yes, people can be and are friends with their exes without having it be an issue, and you need to stop looking at his phone and start trusting him if you want this to work.
posted by bile and syntax at 9:29 AM on December 28, 2018 [1 favorite]


I don’t think he has “intentions” toward her, but if I were you I’d respect him a lot more if he just cut her off. If there’s some good reason he can’t do that, then OK, but I wouldn’t exactly be proud that he’s drawing this out so long.
posted by stoneandstar at 10:22 AM on December 28, 2018 [1 favorite]


In one year you'll each have forgotten about each other. Move on.
posted by tivalasvegas at 10:27 AM on December 28, 2018


I don't know if you should be worried about her - but as others have said lots of people stay in contact with their exes and it doesn't mean anything. My ex before my husband is one of my good friends and my husband is still in contact with his most significant ex before me. It's normal to still care about people who you were in a relationship with.

To be honest I think your behaviour is worse than his. Don't take his phone to check up on him. Don't ask if they're getting back together just because she calls him!! That sounds really insecure. I think you should be asking yourself why you have such a problem with this, not whether or not you should be worried about her.
posted by thereader at 10:28 AM on December 28, 2018 [1 favorite]


I do honestly believe everything he says since he’s a very honest person

So, here's the thing. Of the people involved in this, the only one we know 100% for sure is lying to you... is you, because this is demonstrably not true. He says they're nothing. Why don't you believe him? I am not saying this because you should believe him; I'm saying this because you have to let go of this idea that you believe in his honesty this way, because you don't. And it's better not to! Looking at his phone is a terrible plan, but just believing everything that comes out of somebody's mouth without a second look isn't trust, it's gullibility.

Being friends with exes is fine! I'm friends with some of mine! But these two do not actually sound like friends if he is explicitly saying he couldn't stand to be around her. It seems entirely reasonable to me that you skip the checking his phone and just start having some real conversations about, like, why is he still talking to her if he doesn't actually like anything about her? I'm not actually sure the vibe here is "unfaithful", but it kind of seems like it might just be "asshole", and that would be why you're not feeling particularly secure. You're dating a guy who thinks that not getting a ride to the airport is a reason to split up. You don't have to keep telling yourself that he's amazing and the best you can possibly do, you know? Be honest with yourself first about how you actually feel around him and what you're getting out of this, and whether this is a good enough relationship to stay in.
posted by Sequence at 10:32 AM on December 28, 2018 [5 favorites]


Geez, these blame-shifting answers making you seem like a jerk or worse for your vaunted social crime of first degree phone-looking. (Clutches pearls, finds nearest fainting couch.) As if you are some kind of controlling abuser in the relationship, or have issues, because we know abusers often do things like look at phones and ignore boundaries. So anyone who ever looks at a phone is suspect? Nah, you’re simply yet another young woman being gaslit by a secretly non-monogamous guy she’s fucking, and you probably haven’t been around the block enough yet to know just how common lying by omission is, and that nobody belongs on your Very Honest Man pedestal until you have known them for years and have lots of data points on their behavior.

Here’s the thing. Looking at the phone of a man you’re fucking in order to help you determine the full extent to which he’s ::actively bullshitting you:: about the very obvious fact (to this old broad anyway) he’s still been fucking some other women and you concurrently, with some overlap, including his ex and the “other” woman his ex had referenced in her text to him. And hello, naive much? Adults fuck. Period. When texts like that arrive? And phone calls from her he’s gotta take out of earshot from you? They are fucking. Women are not crazy. Her text and his response had a context that doesn’t exist in a vacuum. He wants eat cake here and get you to keep him on your worshippy Very Honest Man pedestal though, so he hides his true behavior from you. So yeah, you need to keep verifying.

Crucially, in the context of patriarchy, a young woman looking at the man she’s fucking’s phone is really not the social crime these answers would make it out to be. You have your sexual and emotional health to protect here, and you are in deep here. It’s fine to verify by looking at the evidence, to see if you ought to keep on blindly trusting his narratives, whether or not you are “married.” (Who came up with that odd guideline?) That’s part of the process of getting older and wiser about manipulative people. Trust, but verify.

Ok here’s how you are going to keep getting played by dudes like this, and having to write Asks like this where you frame it in a way that has commenters here blaming you. You need a more accurate definition of “Very Honest.”

This:
“*I do honestly believe everything he says since he’s a very honest person”

Does not at all agree with this:
“About a month in he got a text from his ex yelling at him for sleeping with this other girl. He responded by saying that he wasn’t sleeping with her and didn’t say that he was sleeping with me.”

You caught him in a direct lie of omission to her about you, and you are now experiencing cognitive dissonance because you really want to believe he is a “VERY HONEST PERSON.” No, he’s not. He is an average manipulator. A “Very Honest Person” (which would seem to be the kind of guy you want) would have replied to that text: “dude, no, I have actually been in a sexual relationship with the amazing Lauren Smith for the last month.” That’s the kind of guy worth kvetching over, not this triangulating dude.
posted by edithkeeler at 10:32 AM on January 3, 2019


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