How do I make a future with this guy?
December 17, 2018 4:25 PM Subscribe
Can i make a future with a guy who is free spirited and lives very far from me?
I met this guy doing a job for 5 months in a different country. We started hooking up and eventually became exclusive. We never started officially dating since we knew there was going to be a point soon that we both move back to different places in the US but we did go on dates and everyone knew we were together. I know that this guy likes me a lot based off of his actions and my friends telling me that they literally think he’s in love with me. The problem is we live in two states that are very far away from each other so even if we were together i’d probably only see him once in 5 months. He also is going to Europe for a full month in a couple weeks to backpack. He also is a very free spirited person and has never - even in past relationships - been enthusiastic about long distance. The problem is I like him a lot and I don’t want to lose contact with him. We talk on a regular basis now but it scares me that if i don’t tell him how i feel things will just fade out. Should i tell him how i feel now or when he gets back from europe or at the end of the 5 months? After the 5 months neither of us know where we will be living. Is it a bad idea to bring up any kind of long distance relationship to him?
I met this guy doing a job for 5 months in a different country. We started hooking up and eventually became exclusive. We never started officially dating since we knew there was going to be a point soon that we both move back to different places in the US but we did go on dates and everyone knew we were together. I know that this guy likes me a lot based off of his actions and my friends telling me that they literally think he’s in love with me. The problem is we live in two states that are very far away from each other so even if we were together i’d probably only see him once in 5 months. He also is going to Europe for a full month in a couple weeks to backpack. He also is a very free spirited person and has never - even in past relationships - been enthusiastic about long distance. The problem is I like him a lot and I don’t want to lose contact with him. We talk on a regular basis now but it scares me that if i don’t tell him how i feel things will just fade out. Should i tell him how i feel now or when he gets back from europe or at the end of the 5 months? After the 5 months neither of us know where we will be living. Is it a bad idea to bring up any kind of long distance relationship to him?
Should i tell him how i feel nowI'd argue the answer to that question, assuming you're not suffering at the hands of an abusive person, is always, "yes." The worst possible outcome of doing so is exactly the same, the long term, as the inevitable outcome of not doing so.
It's also worth noting that there are also millions of people in the world who love each other and remain intimately and happily connected for decades without insisting on exclusive, monogamous relationships. Like it or not, you're already in a long distance relationship. The question is exactly how to define that relationship.
posted by eotvos at 4:57 PM on December 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
There are legit reasons to tell him your feelings and legit reasons not to.
However. I think, in the case of a long-distance free-spirited guy who’s about to go backpacking in Europe, your chances of getting your feelings hurt are high.
posted by the_blizz at 5:01 PM on December 17, 2018 [8 favorites]
However. I think, in the case of a long-distance free-spirited guy who’s about to go backpacking in Europe, your chances of getting your feelings hurt are high.
posted by the_blizz at 5:01 PM on December 17, 2018 [8 favorites]
...my friends telling me that they literally think he is in love with me.
I get it - I understand the temptation, in the absence of confirmation from your love interest, to turn to your friends for interpretation of how he feels. But your friends aren’t him. The only one who really knows what’s going on in his head and heart is him, and he’s the only one you should be asking. Go ahead. You’ve got nothing to gain by playing it cool, since you will be away from each other for several months. I say tell him how you feel. If he doesn’t feel the same, you can hurt now, or hurt later. But your time won’t be wasted. Good luck!
posted by Knowyournuts at 5:19 PM on December 17, 2018 [5 favorites]
I get it - I understand the temptation, in the absence of confirmation from your love interest, to turn to your friends for interpretation of how he feels. But your friends aren’t him. The only one who really knows what’s going on in his head and heart is him, and he’s the only one you should be asking. Go ahead. You’ve got nothing to gain by playing it cool, since you will be away from each other for several months. I say tell him how you feel. If he doesn’t feel the same, you can hurt now, or hurt later. But your time won’t be wasted. Good luck!
posted by Knowyournuts at 5:19 PM on December 17, 2018 [5 favorites]
"The mere fact of your existence fills my heart with joy. I celebrate your every step toward happiness, even the ones that take you farther from me."
Love people for who they are, not the things they can do for you.
Tell him how you feel, enjoy the sensations of love, but maybe don't put expectations on him until you're living close to the same place.
Even if he rejects you, even if he tries to make it work but screws it up, you will have the experience of being honest and brave. You can keep thanking the universe that he exists and be wiser, stronger, and braver when you meet someone new.
Don't smother your feelings. The "secret" hurts more than any attempt at truth.
posted by itesser at 7:24 PM on December 17, 2018 [4 favorites]
Love people for who they are, not the things they can do for you.
Tell him how you feel, enjoy the sensations of love, but maybe don't put expectations on him until you're living close to the same place.
Even if he rejects you, even if he tries to make it work but screws it up, you will have the experience of being honest and brave. You can keep thanking the universe that he exists and be wiser, stronger, and braver when you meet someone new.
Don't smother your feelings. The "secret" hurts more than any attempt at truth.
posted by itesser at 7:24 PM on December 17, 2018 [4 favorites]
I think, no. Because even if he’s wanting to reciprocate, he’s not ready and it’s not the right time in his life. Maybe he’ll admit that to you, if he’s honest - which will be hard for him to do, if he feels the same way. You’ll be hurt. Maybe he won’t be honest, if he doesn’t want to face hurting you - so he’ll lead you in a bit and you’ll see what you want to see. It’s not just about getting it off your chest - he’s going to be put in a position and he’ll have to do one or another thing about it, and it’s likely to lead to a lot of pain, no matter how you slice it.
If he were ready and willing to settle into something, he’d tell you that, and he’s not telling you that.
Enjoy it for what it is, let him go. Maybe you’ll run into him again when circumstances are different.
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:29 PM on December 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
If he were ready and willing to settle into something, he’d tell you that, and he’s not telling you that.
Enjoy it for what it is, let him go. Maybe you’ll run into him again when circumstances are different.
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:29 PM on December 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
It's not a bad idea to tell him how you feel. But sadly, there are people who can't really do LDRs no matter what. If that's the main thing he's said about you two's future, that doesn't bode well. Maybe as part of the conversation, see if he'd be willing to think about trying to end up in the same place after the 5 months; that's probably your best hope for a relationship with this guy. (The next question is whether he feels he has to date other people during the intervening 5 months and how you'd feel about that.)
posted by salvia at 10:35 PM on December 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by salvia at 10:35 PM on December 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
If you were going on dates and being exclusive but between you still didn't want to call that "officially dating" then I think unlikely he'll want the label/restriction of a "long distance relationship". I think best to keep chatting as you are, if you enjoy that and can stop it negatively impacting you, then see in 5 months where he wants to live and if something more permanent is an option. I think raising it now will just result in hurt and frustration. Keep living and enjoying your life in the meantime, as he is doing himself.
posted by JonB at 2:09 AM on December 18, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by JonB at 2:09 AM on December 18, 2018 [2 favorites]
If he really really wants to make it work, maybe. IMO it’s worth having the conversation.
posted by bunderful at 6:40 AM on December 18, 2018
posted by bunderful at 6:40 AM on December 18, 2018
If you tell him you feel strongly about him, there's a world of possibilities. If you odn't tell him, I think you will have regrets.
posted by theora55 at 3:02 PM on December 19, 2018
posted by theora55 at 3:02 PM on December 19, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
That said I think it's better to speak your heart than not. Let him know what you want. And don't try to mold your needs to the kind of person he is — tell him, and give him the opportunity to meet you where you're at.
I can't leave without suggesting this cautionary tale, as well.
posted by wemayfreeze at 4:33 PM on December 17, 2018 [4 favorites]