I need to deal with my mom
December 15, 2018 1:57 PM Subscribe
My mom is infuriating and our relationship is incredibly unhealthy. Things came to a head over thanksgiving. I need to figure out how to move forward.
My mom lives 1000 miles from me. We talk a couple times a month, usually see each other once a year, because she doesn’t fly and i have two young kids that make it hard to travel. Whenever we’re together i immediatelt revert to acting like a surly teenager, and everything my mom does drives me crazy. I know that this is largely my fault but it’s the dynamic.
The other issue we have is that a she doesn’t really seem to like our son. She always makes weird backhanded comments about how he’s so much more rambunctious than I was when I was a kid and how he is just out of control. From my perspective, he’s a 3 year old. He can be hyper and irrational and throw temper tantrums, but that’s what 3 year olds do. He doesn’t exhibit behavior I haven’t seen in other kids, and neither his pre school teacher nor his primary care physician have expressed any concern about his behavior, and believe me, we’ve asked.
This past thanksgiving she came to visit. My wife was out of the country so it was just me, my Mom and my kids. It was tiring, but fine, lots of children’s museums and stuff. I actually thought things were better between us this trip. She was here from the Tuesday before thanksgiving until the Monday after.
She called a few days later, and I was honestly shocked because she almost never calls (I initiate all phone calls,) and I was worried that she was calling about a death in the family. The call went something like this:
“Hi,mom. How are you?”
“Oh millipedes, I hate making this call, but I have to.”
“What’s going on?”
“...*sigh*...I think [son] has serious problems and he needs professional help.”
It devolved from there. I was and remain so furious. She spent 5 days with my son and has decided that none of the adults in his life are capable of assessing what he needs and she needs to step in. She also has a habit of doing stuff like this. She has previously, erroneously, been convinced that my brother neglects his kids. I had to talk her down from writing an email to him a few years ago telling him that she thought his 12 year old daughter was anorexic, again after a visit.. When I asked her evidence she just said “she’s skinny.”
I ended up just telling her I had to go, because she called me st 11 on a weekday while I was at work. She followed the conversation up with a text that read: “That is a ridiculous response to a serious situation. I regret having to say what i said, but it needed to be said. Im sorry.” Needless to say I was so mad. It’s so obnoxiously presumptuous. And if you don’t like our son, which seems incredibly clear from your behavior since he was born...why are you visiting? I sent her an email collecting my thoughts, telling her I loved her but that she was making me angry, that she didn’t know our son well enough to say something like that and that it seemed like she disliked him from the first time she had met him. She quickly backpedaled and said “I made a mistake , I’m sorry I said anything, please forgive me.”
I don’t want to live in this anger, but I don’t think my mom really likes my family. And I don’t know that I really like her. Here are my questions:
1. How do I let this go or get to a place where I’m less angry?
2. How do I set boundaries for her where there are things she’s not allowed to start shit with me about?
3. How do I survive thanksgiving next year?
My temptation is to cut her out of my life, but I’m fighting it because
a.) I think this isn’t serious enough for that
b.) I hunk I owe it to her to try a little harder
c.) my kids love her a lot and it seems unfair to cut her out because of issues between she and I
My mom lives 1000 miles from me. We talk a couple times a month, usually see each other once a year, because she doesn’t fly and i have two young kids that make it hard to travel. Whenever we’re together i immediatelt revert to acting like a surly teenager, and everything my mom does drives me crazy. I know that this is largely my fault but it’s the dynamic.
The other issue we have is that a she doesn’t really seem to like our son. She always makes weird backhanded comments about how he’s so much more rambunctious than I was when I was a kid and how he is just out of control. From my perspective, he’s a 3 year old. He can be hyper and irrational and throw temper tantrums, but that’s what 3 year olds do. He doesn’t exhibit behavior I haven’t seen in other kids, and neither his pre school teacher nor his primary care physician have expressed any concern about his behavior, and believe me, we’ve asked.
This past thanksgiving she came to visit. My wife was out of the country so it was just me, my Mom and my kids. It was tiring, but fine, lots of children’s museums and stuff. I actually thought things were better between us this trip. She was here from the Tuesday before thanksgiving until the Monday after.
She called a few days later, and I was honestly shocked because she almost never calls (I initiate all phone calls,) and I was worried that she was calling about a death in the family. The call went something like this:
“Hi,mom. How are you?”
“Oh millipedes, I hate making this call, but I have to.”
“What’s going on?”
“...*sigh*...I think [son] has serious problems and he needs professional help.”
It devolved from there. I was and remain so furious. She spent 5 days with my son and has decided that none of the adults in his life are capable of assessing what he needs and she needs to step in. She also has a habit of doing stuff like this. She has previously, erroneously, been convinced that my brother neglects his kids. I had to talk her down from writing an email to him a few years ago telling him that she thought his 12 year old daughter was anorexic, again after a visit.. When I asked her evidence she just said “she’s skinny.”
I ended up just telling her I had to go, because she called me st 11 on a weekday while I was at work. She followed the conversation up with a text that read: “That is a ridiculous response to a serious situation. I regret having to say what i said, but it needed to be said. Im sorry.” Needless to say I was so mad. It’s so obnoxiously presumptuous. And if you don’t like our son, which seems incredibly clear from your behavior since he was born...why are you visiting? I sent her an email collecting my thoughts, telling her I loved her but that she was making me angry, that she didn’t know our son well enough to say something like that and that it seemed like she disliked him from the first time she had met him. She quickly backpedaled and said “I made a mistake , I’m sorry I said anything, please forgive me.”
I don’t want to live in this anger, but I don’t think my mom really likes my family. And I don’t know that I really like her. Here are my questions:
1. How do I let this go or get to a place where I’m less angry?
2. How do I set boundaries for her where there are things she’s not allowed to start shit with me about?
3. How do I survive thanksgiving next year?
My temptation is to cut her out of my life, but I’m fighting it because
a.) I think this isn’t serious enough for that
b.) I hunk I owe it to her to try a little harder
c.) my kids love her a lot and it seems unfair to cut her out because of issues between she and I
I'd guess your mom is trying to show concern for her grandchildren. But her concern is misplaced and harmful.
I'd tell her - we regularly check in with experts - teachers and medical professionals - about Bobby's development and they all say he is fine. Thanks for your concern.
Then I'd limit the relationship even more. That week visit was probably too much especially staying in one place. Make those visits more like a long weekend. Don't stay in one house.
Talk less. Keep updates on the kids vague. Don't prime her to share her opinion.
Your kids can have a distant relationship with her. It isn't as if they have a deep tie. They see her once a year. They get some attention from her.
Sorry your mom sucks. Sorry your relationship sucks.
posted by k8t at 2:06 PM on December 15, 2018 [14 favorites]
I'd tell her - we regularly check in with experts - teachers and medical professionals - about Bobby's development and they all say he is fine. Thanks for your concern.
Then I'd limit the relationship even more. That week visit was probably too much especially staying in one place. Make those visits more like a long weekend. Don't stay in one house.
Talk less. Keep updates on the kids vague. Don't prime her to share her opinion.
Your kids can have a distant relationship with her. It isn't as if they have a deep tie. They see her once a year. They get some attention from her.
Sorry your mom sucks. Sorry your relationship sucks.
posted by k8t at 2:06 PM on December 15, 2018 [14 favorites]
Reading between the lines, it sounds like this isn't about you, or your son, but instead about her misplaced anxiety, directed at her grandchildren. It also sounds like those grandchildren have a good relationship with her?
I agree with simply stating the boundary, clearly and by email.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:21 PM on December 15, 2018 [22 favorites]
I agree with simply stating the boundary, clearly and by email.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:21 PM on December 15, 2018 [22 favorites]
I had to deal with a person like this in my past life, my former mother-in-law. She was not right in the head, and although very high functioning, she had to micro-manage everything in her household, and people around her. I once said how my daughter wanted to be a psychologist, and she said, "well, those are the people who are the most disturbed," and my daughter was 13, she'd never met her, and it was based on the fact that my daughter, a teenager, loved to talk on the phone with her friends, and give them advice.
After that, I don't think I ever took her seriously. I looked at how she grew up, and what her background was, and basically put it down to her being smart, but not very educated, and making snap assumptions on what she thought was the right way to act or behave. She'd created her own world view on human behavior, which was not in line with how most people act or behave, and expected everyone else to fall in line with that distorted world view.
I eventually felt sorry for her, and how she was raised and her apparent psychological problems, but I didn't feel compelled to keep associating with her on a regular basis. She also had a negative view of small children, declaring one grandchild to be "too messy" even though she was 18 months old, and other oddities. She was just not right in the head. It helped me work through my astonishment and anger, and put it into perspective.
But that didn't mean I wanted to hang with her on a regular basis. I think the best you can do is examine why she is like she is, accept it, and limit your interactions, and definitely set boundaries. I distinctly remember the "concern" over people, and it was just an aspect of her mental illness, whatever it was, it was like she couldn't help herself, but it was definitely something I didn't want to be around on a full time basis.
You have to decide if you and your wife will keep it up, going forward, if it's only once a year, cut her some slack, and expect the weirdness, and if you want, ask her why she feels the need to intervene. If she's lonely, if she had a mother like this, etc. If it's her anxiety, that's a possibility, and if she's okay around your kids, that's up to you. Maybe she just has some weird mental quirk, like I said, I've seen stuff like this and it's strange, I agree, but this wasn't my own mother, it was someone else's, so I was able to me more objective about it all.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 2:47 PM on December 15, 2018 [10 favorites]
After that, I don't think I ever took her seriously. I looked at how she grew up, and what her background was, and basically put it down to her being smart, but not very educated, and making snap assumptions on what she thought was the right way to act or behave. She'd created her own world view on human behavior, which was not in line with how most people act or behave, and expected everyone else to fall in line with that distorted world view.
I eventually felt sorry for her, and how she was raised and her apparent psychological problems, but I didn't feel compelled to keep associating with her on a regular basis. She also had a negative view of small children, declaring one grandchild to be "too messy" even though she was 18 months old, and other oddities. She was just not right in the head. It helped me work through my astonishment and anger, and put it into perspective.
But that didn't mean I wanted to hang with her on a regular basis. I think the best you can do is examine why she is like she is, accept it, and limit your interactions, and definitely set boundaries. I distinctly remember the "concern" over people, and it was just an aspect of her mental illness, whatever it was, it was like she couldn't help herself, but it was definitely something I didn't want to be around on a full time basis.
You have to decide if you and your wife will keep it up, going forward, if it's only once a year, cut her some slack, and expect the weirdness, and if you want, ask her why she feels the need to intervene. If she's lonely, if she had a mother like this, etc. If it's her anxiety, that's a possibility, and if she's okay around your kids, that's up to you. Maybe she just has some weird mental quirk, like I said, I've seen stuff like this and it's strange, I agree, but this wasn't my own mother, it was someone else's, so I was able to me more objective about it all.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 2:47 PM on December 15, 2018 [10 favorites]
With my MIL I simply say thank you for your concern, I talk to my childs teachers and doctor regularly and everything is concidered developmentally appropriate at this time. If something changes you'll hear about it.
And I ignore everything else she has to say about the issue by referring back to the related professional.
posted by AlexiaSky at 2:59 PM on December 15, 2018 [11 favorites]
And I ignore everything else she has to say about the issue by referring back to the related professional.
posted by AlexiaSky at 2:59 PM on December 15, 2018 [11 favorites]
Ooooo. My mom did this exact thing, I kid you not. You are getting good advice above.
I actually went and saw a therapist, and ended up doing a combination of talking some stuff out and EMDR. We basically meditated on all the infuriating crazy stuff she does and practiced not getting upset. Once it's less triggering it's easier to set and maintain boundaries or ignore certain things in real time. You train your body not to react too (stop making adrenaline whenever I see her etc).
In our case she was visiting and decided our then 1yr old was autistic - which only came out when we confronted her about skulking around taking notes! Worse, she is awkward and not that good with kids...he legit doesn't really like her that much, and still doesn't at four. And of course, he doesn't hide it, she mopes around hurt, it's our fault...somehow.
Anyway I'm so sorry. MeMail me if you need to vent!
posted by jrobin276 at 3:05 PM on December 15, 2018 [10 favorites]
I actually went and saw a therapist, and ended up doing a combination of talking some stuff out and EMDR. We basically meditated on all the infuriating crazy stuff she does and practiced not getting upset. Once it's less triggering it's easier to set and maintain boundaries or ignore certain things in real time. You train your body not to react too (stop making adrenaline whenever I see her etc).
In our case she was visiting and decided our then 1yr old was autistic - which only came out when we confronted her about skulking around taking notes! Worse, she is awkward and not that good with kids...he legit doesn't really like her that much, and still doesn't at four. And of course, he doesn't hide it, she mopes around hurt, it's our fault...somehow.
Anyway I'm so sorry. MeMail me if you need to vent!
posted by jrobin276 at 3:05 PM on December 15, 2018 [10 favorites]
This might fit.
Fits my mom.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:06 PM on December 15, 2018 [7 favorites]
Fits my mom.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:06 PM on December 15, 2018 [7 favorites]
I agree that this seems like poorly managed anxiety and failed attempts to be a good grandparent. I frequently find myself wondering if family members have X or Y condition and I have to often sit on my hands and ask myself what my reason is for thinking that and if it's my logic or my anxiety talking (am I doing enough? what if I'm not? what if they aren't okay and it's my fault?), and if it's useful to bring it up. I have had to work at getting to be this self-aware and I'm sure I could be doing a better job with it.
posted by bunderful at 3:13 PM on December 15, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by bunderful at 3:13 PM on December 15, 2018 [3 favorites]
Would it help if there was more contact between your mum and your son - not face-to-face but maybe regular Skype or Facetime calls where he can interact with her, develop more of a relationship so she doesn't only see him once in a while? Then her perspective on his personality and development might not be so skewed.
posted by essexjan at 3:30 PM on December 15, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by essexjan at 3:30 PM on December 15, 2018 [4 favorites]
Something about being a grandparent can make people get very anxious and particularly anxious to Have Something Important to Contribute. This can be very hard to manage in situations where they are otherwise wonderful people whom you want to have around.
Your mom is not someone you are trying to have a warm relationship with in any case? - which makes it a bit easier, because you don't need to worry about cosseting her feelings.
Just take the subject off the table. They get one shot. (1) "Actually Filbert's pediatrician told his development is 100% normal, so we're not worried, and it's really unpleasant to have you second guess me on this, so I need you to stop." (2) "ok, look, I told you before this isn't up for discussion. I'm hanging up now, and next time we talk I hope you'll remember this isn't something I want to hear from you about ever again."
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:33 PM on December 15, 2018 [6 favorites]
Your mom is not someone you are trying to have a warm relationship with in any case? - which makes it a bit easier, because you don't need to worry about cosseting her feelings.
Just take the subject off the table. They get one shot. (1) "Actually Filbert's pediatrician told his development is 100% normal, so we're not worried, and it's really unpleasant to have you second guess me on this, so I need you to stop." (2) "ok, look, I told you before this isn't up for discussion. I'm hanging up now, and next time we talk I hope you'll remember this isn't something I want to hear from you about ever again."
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:33 PM on December 15, 2018 [6 favorites]
My temptation is to cut her out of my life, but I’m fighting it because
a.) I think this isn’t serious enough for that
b.) I think I owe it to her to try a little harder
c.) my kids love her a lot and it seems unfair to cut her out because of issues between she and I
I think this is as serious as you think it is, and I don't think you actually owe her a relationship if she's not going to respect your boundaries. However I think it's admirable that you would like to maintain the relationship for the sake of your kids. If that's the case then I agree with the above commenter who said that more contact with them might be better for the situation than less, along with the agreement that talking about their development is off the table.
posted by bleep at 3:42 PM on December 15, 2018 [1 favorite]
a.) I think this isn’t serious enough for that
b.) I think I owe it to her to try a little harder
c.) my kids love her a lot and it seems unfair to cut her out because of issues between she and I
I think this is as serious as you think it is, and I don't think you actually owe her a relationship if she's not going to respect your boundaries. However I think it's admirable that you would like to maintain the relationship for the sake of your kids. If that's the case then I agree with the above commenter who said that more contact with them might be better for the situation than less, along with the agreement that talking about their development is off the table.
posted by bleep at 3:42 PM on December 15, 2018 [1 favorite]
I strongly disagree with exposing your child to someone such disordered behaviour. I have a similar mother & sister who loudly insist to everyone that a specific child of mine is severely autistic. In fact, he is completely normal but he does not do well with people critiquing and yelling at him they way they do and tends to shut down to make himself a smaller target. Exposing him to them, for example, would most likely cause the same psychosis my niece has developed living with abusive, unsupportive people. Your job is to protect your children from people like your mother. Accept that who she is now is who she will always be, mourn the parental relationship you will never experience with her, and do better by your children. I understand you not wanting to break a relationship between your mother and your children, but with the infrequent contact they most likely enjoy the idea of a relationship with her more than the actual real one they have. So keep her on the edges, don’t let them spend more than a couple of hours with her at a time, and focus on showing them healthy relationships as role models for how they will behave as adults.
posted by saucysault at 3:56 PM on December 15, 2018 [18 favorites]
posted by saucysault at 3:56 PM on December 15, 2018 [18 favorites]
I strongly disagree with exposing your child to someone such disordered behaviour.
Just to clarify my suggestion was based the understanding from your post that she is willing to get her act together and that she will do so. She should definitely not be around your kids if she's going to act like this.
posted by bleep at 4:14 PM on December 15, 2018 [3 favorites]
Just to clarify my suggestion was based the understanding from your post that she is willing to get her act together and that she will do so. She should definitely not be around your kids if she's going to act like this.
posted by bleep at 4:14 PM on December 15, 2018 [3 favorites]
We all do have a fantasy of grandparents doting on kids, when in fact many don't or can't deal well with them. Your mom may just not be able to handle being a grandmother well. it sounds like your relationship pre-kids was already strained.
I would agree on giving her a flat statement that he's fine when she says this stuff, but then maybe work on your overall relationship outside of that, if you want to save it. It's not really about your kid but about her, in the long run.
posted by emjaybee at 9:58 PM on December 15, 2018 [1 favorite]
I would agree on giving her a flat statement that he's fine when she says this stuff, but then maybe work on your overall relationship outside of that, if you want to save it. It's not really about your kid but about her, in the long run.
posted by emjaybee at 9:58 PM on December 15, 2018 [1 favorite]
I am not sure of your gender? If you are a guy, I noticed she does this to your brother too and I wonder if this is some sort of "grandma knows best" dynamic where she thinks she needs to "rescue" her poor hapless sons who don't know how to parent. Does that ring any bells?
posted by nakedmolerats at 10:33 PM on December 15, 2018
posted by nakedmolerats at 10:33 PM on December 15, 2018
I agree with the advice to keep your mom the hell away from your kids. My mom is dead, my kid is 38, and my kid (and my relationship with her) may never recover from the damage my mother did. It’s my biggest heartbreak in life. If I had it to do over, I wouldn’t have let my kid be around my mother AT ALL.
I saw this play out in my ex’s family as well, except it was great-grandma screwing up her great-grandkids. The best way to break the cycle of toxic parenting is to cut off the relationships and make your own family.
posted by MexicanYenta at 7:00 AM on December 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
I saw this play out in my ex’s family as well, except it was great-grandma screwing up her great-grandkids. The best way to break the cycle of toxic parenting is to cut off the relationships and make your own family.
posted by MexicanYenta at 7:00 AM on December 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
Your mother doesn’t know what she’s talking about. It sounds like she barely knows your kid well enough to recognize him on the street, much less have any background to armchair-diagnose him with learning disabilities.
She’s wrong, you don’t have to take her calls at work, and you can respond to her with, “I’m at work, this isn’t any of your business, I’m hanging up now,” and do so, and delete any further texts or attempts on her part to criticize your parenting. It’s not an accident that she just “had” to call you up in the middle of a workday to drop a bomb on you about your child, and that she otherwise never calls you.
If I were you, I’d forget her phone number for a while. If she wants a relationship, let her initiate it and put out the olive branch. It sounds to me like there’s nothing good about having her in your life—she makes you miserable, she drives you nuts, she sows division and uncertainty, and for what, one visit a year? You say you owe it to her to try a little harder, but no, really, you don’t. It doesn’t sound like she is doing any trying on her end, it sound like she’s using what contact you do initiate to continue the same dynamic that has been in place for ages.
“Trying” in this circumstance usually looks like “Let Mom be a huge jerk and act like she’s not doing anything bad,” and frankly NOBODY benefits from being on the receiving end of unfettered assholery. All you’re doing is providing targets for your mother. And pretty soon your kids are going to be old enough for Grandma to start dripping poison in their ears without going through you first.
posted by Autumnheart at 7:27 AM on December 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
She’s wrong, you don’t have to take her calls at work, and you can respond to her with, “I’m at work, this isn’t any of your business, I’m hanging up now,” and do so, and delete any further texts or attempts on her part to criticize your parenting. It’s not an accident that she just “had” to call you up in the middle of a workday to drop a bomb on you about your child, and that she otherwise never calls you.
If I were you, I’d forget her phone number for a while. If she wants a relationship, let her initiate it and put out the olive branch. It sounds to me like there’s nothing good about having her in your life—she makes you miserable, she drives you nuts, she sows division and uncertainty, and for what, one visit a year? You say you owe it to her to try a little harder, but no, really, you don’t. It doesn’t sound like she is doing any trying on her end, it sound like she’s using what contact you do initiate to continue the same dynamic that has been in place for ages.
“Trying” in this circumstance usually looks like “Let Mom be a huge jerk and act like she’s not doing anything bad,” and frankly NOBODY benefits from being on the receiving end of unfettered assholery. All you’re doing is providing targets for your mother. And pretty soon your kids are going to be old enough for Grandma to start dripping poison in their ears without going through you first.
posted by Autumnheart at 7:27 AM on December 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
So I'm the kid, and my grandmother insisted for years (first to my mother and other family members, and then later directly to me) that I was anorexic because I was very thin growing up. It had a lasting
and negative impact on me, my self image, and how I think about food. I absolutely think you should protect your children from that sort of thing, but I also think there are a couple of things going on here: You don't like your mother, and you are interpreting her overstepping of boundaries as dislike for your child/family.
Maybe she is a presumptuous, boundary-stomping, infuriating person... or maybe she is all of those things but coming from a place of concern for her grandkids... or maybe you are very reactive to everything your mother says or does (per your surly teen comment) and perceive it always as being negative. Or whatever. Whatever it is, I think you need to figure out what relationship (if any) you want with your mother. Then figure out what relationship you want your kids to have with her. Because one thing I inherited from my parents was all their angst and unhappiness with my grandparents. Whether my grandmother was concern-trolling or not, it was emotionally an unpleasant dynamic all around -- I felt like I didn't get a chance to decide how I felt about this person and I felt like I had no defense against what she said or did because my parents didn't establish any boundaries.
You don't have to decide today, but I think you should decide before seeing her again.
posted by sm1tten at 10:09 AM on December 16, 2018
and negative impact on me, my self image, and how I think about food. I absolutely think you should protect your children from that sort of thing, but I also think there are a couple of things going on here: You don't like your mother, and you are interpreting her overstepping of boundaries as dislike for your child/family.
Maybe she is a presumptuous, boundary-stomping, infuriating person... or maybe she is all of those things but coming from a place of concern for her grandkids... or maybe you are very reactive to everything your mother says or does (per your surly teen comment) and perceive it always as being negative. Or whatever. Whatever it is, I think you need to figure out what relationship (if any) you want with your mother. Then figure out what relationship you want your kids to have with her. Because one thing I inherited from my parents was all their angst and unhappiness with my grandparents. Whether my grandmother was concern-trolling or not, it was emotionally an unpleasant dynamic all around -- I felt like I didn't get a chance to decide how I felt about this person and I felt like I had no defense against what she said or did because my parents didn't establish any boundaries.
You don't have to decide today, but I think you should decide before seeing her again.
posted by sm1tten at 10:09 AM on December 16, 2018
It sounds like you want to give maintaining the relationship a shot but are also open to cutting things off if need be. I would try an experiment in boundary setting. If your boundaries cause her to settle down and cut this shit out, then great! If not, you will know a lot about what kind of person she is and can cut things off with no guilt.
You don't set a boundary on the other person, you set it on yourself. So, not "you won't criticize my parenting," instead "if you criticize my parenting, I will hang up or leave the room." One of these is totally in your control, the other is not.
So you need to do a lot of thinking about what she is likely to pull and have your responses planned out ahead of time, communicate the boundary, and stick to it. This is a lot easier said than done! Two books that helped me immensely with this are:
The Dance of Intimacy (unfortunately subtitled "A Woman's Guide to Acts of Change in Key Relationships," but it's really for people in general)
Boundaries (unfortunately with some Christian evangelical stuff in there but if you can read past it or are OK with it, there is a ton of specific useful info in there)
Good luck! You can do it!
posted by selfmedicating at 10:20 AM on December 16, 2018 [2 favorites]
You don't set a boundary on the other person, you set it on yourself. So, not "you won't criticize my parenting," instead "if you criticize my parenting, I will hang up or leave the room." One of these is totally in your control, the other is not.
So you need to do a lot of thinking about what she is likely to pull and have your responses planned out ahead of time, communicate the boundary, and stick to it. This is a lot easier said than done! Two books that helped me immensely with this are:
The Dance of Intimacy (unfortunately subtitled "A Woman's Guide to Acts of Change in Key Relationships," but it's really for people in general)
Boundaries (unfortunately with some Christian evangelical stuff in there but if you can read past it or are OK with it, there is a ton of specific useful info in there)
Good luck! You can do it!
posted by selfmedicating at 10:20 AM on December 16, 2018 [2 favorites]
So, not "you won't criticize my parenting," instead "if you criticize my parenting, I will hang up or leave the room."
Just wanted to echo this as being a great way to set boundaries with parents.
posted by davejay at 11:39 PM on December 16, 2018
Just wanted to echo this as being a great way to set boundaries with parents.
posted by davejay at 11:39 PM on December 16, 2018
You have a handle on this, and you came here which was a great idea. You get to air the question without getting Mom more riled up. Therapist might help. Can you assess if your Mom has a habit of over-reacting with medical or psychological diagnoses to normal-range behavior? Some people freak out easily, catastrophize. Did your Mom do that to you and your brother? Family dysfunctions can have very long-lasting effects, and understanding helps a lot.
1. How do I let this go or get to a place where I’m less angry? Try to understand what might have motivated her, if she's depressed and possibly more negative or ? accept that your anger is totally reasonable, but she has also apologized. Did it feel sincere?
2. How do I set boundaries for her where there are things she’s not allowed to start shit with me about? You'll teach her over time, by understanding clearly where you need the boundaries to be. Mom, it produces way too much stress when you diagnose the kids/ my family, so I'd rather you didn't. Tell me how the thing was? Distraction with a new topic is a great way to move away from the unacceptable with less pain. If it doesn't work, it's pretty clear that you know how to get off the phone.
3. How do I survive thanksgiving next year? By then, the boundaries will be better understood, you'll have probably forgiven her. Also, try to plan activities that are Mom-centered. If she's a gardener, go to the Botanical Gardens; let her be an expert. Grandmas like to have a chance to shine. Everybody does. Ask her what worked best for her as a parent, what she liked about being a parent. You don't have to take advice just because she gives it.
My temptation is to cut her out of my life, but I’m fighting it because
a.) I think this isn’t serious enough for that
b.) I hunk I owe it to her to try a little harder
c.) my kids love her a lot and it seems unfair to cut her out because of issues between she and I
You sound kind and understanding. Limit the length of calls for a while, and maybe make the next visit shorter.
posted by theora55 at 5:09 PM on December 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
1. How do I let this go or get to a place where I’m less angry? Try to understand what might have motivated her, if she's depressed and possibly more negative or ? accept that your anger is totally reasonable, but she has also apologized. Did it feel sincere?
2. How do I set boundaries for her where there are things she’s not allowed to start shit with me about? You'll teach her over time, by understanding clearly where you need the boundaries to be. Mom, it produces way too much stress when you diagnose the kids/ my family, so I'd rather you didn't. Tell me how the thing was? Distraction with a new topic is a great way to move away from the unacceptable with less pain. If it doesn't work, it's pretty clear that you know how to get off the phone.
3. How do I survive thanksgiving next year? By then, the boundaries will be better understood, you'll have probably forgiven her. Also, try to plan activities that are Mom-centered. If she's a gardener, go to the Botanical Gardens; let her be an expert. Grandmas like to have a chance to shine. Everybody does. Ask her what worked best for her as a parent, what she liked about being a parent. You don't have to take advice just because she gives it.
My temptation is to cut her out of my life, but I’m fighting it because
a.) I think this isn’t serious enough for that
b.) I hunk I owe it to her to try a little harder
c.) my kids love her a lot and it seems unfair to cut her out because of issues between she and I
You sound kind and understanding. Limit the length of calls for a while, and maybe make the next visit shorter.
posted by theora55 at 5:09 PM on December 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
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posted by cakelite at 2:04 PM on December 15, 2018 [16 favorites]