Does she like me?
December 12, 2018 7:51 AM   Subscribe

I've recently become very close friends with a person I am really, really attracted to but am confused about her feelings. How can I figure out if she likes me without threatening a really strong and meaningful friendship?

This is a follow-up on this situation.

And for context, we are both queer women in our mid-to-late 20s.

So about two months ago, I had just started hanging out with this incredible woman that I had a (at the time, pretty superficial--since I barely knew her) crush on but wasn't sure how to ask her out without compromising a fun potential friendship. She had asked me to hang out one-on-one a handful of times but I had never taken her up on it because I was nervous.

In the intervening two months, we have become very close friends. We hang out probably three or four times a week and spend just about every weekend together. We've had dinner together a bunch of times and have an astonishing and unusual intellectual and conversational chemistry--we talk for hours and hours and are just utterly on each others' wavelengths, while also being very different.

I've known her for such a brief time but I've learned many, very personal things about her life (family, past relationships, coming out, serious traumas) and have told her a lot of things that I don't often tell people. She's told me more than once that she rarely meets people that she can talk to like she can talk to me. Every time we hang out, I feel like I discover a new, very unusual interest we have in common. Our friendship and connection feels very rare and special and it's still so new.

The trouble is, I still don't know if she likes me like that. A lot of the things we've done together are kind of date-y sounding--we've gone dancing, dinner, etc. I sometimes get a romantic vibe from her, especially when we're alone--she compliments my appearance, makes jokes about sex and is markedly physically comfortable and familiar with me (touching my shoulder when talking to me, for example). When we're hanging out with her or my friends though, I barely feel that vibe anymore and become confused. She never talks about her present dating life when we're alone together (though she's talked about significant past relationships) but when we're in groups with friends, sometimes she'll talk about people she's dated briefly in the recent past. I know that she's single.

Her friendship has added so much to my life and I treasure it and don't want to lose it. I think I'm basically trying to figure out to the greatest certainty possible what the chances are that she does like me before I make a move, if I have to make one. I've never been in a situation like this before and feel kind of paralyzed.

I feel like I have two options: 1) don't say anything, enjoy her friendship and her attention and either wait for her to make a move or start dating someone else or 2) tell her how I feel and either get rejected or start dating her. I have no idea what is the best and fairest and emotionally safest option for both me and for her. I know that my friendship is meaningful to her too.
posted by armadillo1224 to Human Relations (36 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
 
"Hey, friend, I've really been loving getting to know you and get closer to you in the last couple of months. I've also found that I'm interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with you, but what I care most about is having a good, close, healthy relationship, regardless of whether it's romantic or platonic, so I wanted to raise this now, so if you're interested in romance, we can explore that, too, and if you're not, I can let that side of my feelings simmer down so it doesn't interfere with the goodness of our interactions as we continue to build our friendship. I want to be totally explicit that there's zero pressure from me on this. I really value you and your place in my life, and I'm excited to be continuing to build it in a way that's great for both of us."

The sooner you do it, the less sticky and difficult your emotions around it will be.
posted by spindrifter at 8:06 AM on December 12, 2018 [30 favorites]


I think I'm basically trying to figure out to the greatest certainty possible what the chances are that she does like me before I make a move

If anyone ever figures out that formula, they will make millions...trillions. You can't know. At some point, someone either says something, and risks it, or no-one says anything, and risks a different thing. As a wise person once told me, even the best relationships end in a train wreck. i.e., you find a life partner and one of you will die before the other.

Emotionally fair, IMO, is being honest and brave and respectful, where "yes, I like you back" and "sorry, I don't like you in that way" are equally acceptable answers because of your self esteem and respect for The Other.
posted by cocoagirl at 8:06 AM on December 12, 2018 [24 favorites]


Why didn't you ask her out when people suggested you do that directly last time? I asked a friend out after driving her home post-event, she gently turned me down... and since then, she invites me to solo stuff consistently (once a week or more) and I invite her to stuff. It hasn't been weird. I feel much better having asked, and I get the impression she does too. Our friendship has only grown.

Your end response last time was "Thanks for these answers! My current plan is to ask her out soon without explicitly using the word date and just seeing how things go." but why did you not use the word date? That didn't let you get where you wanted to be. Which where you want to be is a totally reasonable place, for the record! Asking someone out isn't offensive or strange.

I advise being proactive with this. You sound like you get along really well, I'm sure she would understand if you were just direct and willing to take no for an answer. (I don't think she will say no.) Also, part of being a good friend is being emotionally honest, respectful and vulnerable.

tl;dr You hang out 3-4 times a week, every weekend, she touches you when you talk and you have an amazing connection. Hold on, I'm going to go find the inevitable question she probably wrote on AskMe with "Does she like me? I can't tell! I really like her!" :)
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 8:06 AM on December 12, 2018 [13 favorites]


You get along great, she's pointed out that she's single, and she's joked about sex.

Magic Eight Ball says: Outlook good!

Ask her out.
posted by Capt. Renault at 8:07 AM on December 12, 2018 [7 favorites]


"Hey have you ever been in a position with a good friend, where you wanted to see if they were into actually being romantic together, like maybe starting a serious relationship, but you didn't want to fuck up the friendship? What did you do about it?"

In my head, this leads to immediate smooches, but I dunno you or her. Just say it, see what happens.
posted by seanmpuckett at 8:16 AM on December 12, 2018 [4 favorites]


What if she's in exactly the same headspace that you are and no one ever says anything? I'm pretty sure I let some relationship opportunities slide this way.

I think your actual options are:

1. Enjoy this liminal state (because it's enjoyable to have this potential and none of the challenges of an actual relationship, and sometimes people just enjoy this kind of para-dating for as long as it lasts) with the expectation that it will end and you'll need to be real about that.

2. Ask her out in a low-key way, possibly by email ("I've really been enjoying hanging out with you. Would you want to go on a date with me? I value our friendship a lot, so regardless I'd like to keep hanging out. [Some nice thing about the platonic, regular aspect of your friendship".) Keep the ask very low-key, and if she doesn't want to go on a date, resume normal hanging out. The less you stew over asking her out, the easier it will be to switch to "we're just friends" mode.

3. Never say anything and wait until the crush wears off over time, as long as you can be sure you're not making it weird.

All of these are legit options, but you have to be honest with yourself about them. You can't pick 3 while hoping that somehow, somehow you'll end up dating, for instance.

Ask yourself how much you want a relationship. Are you just enjoying the intensity of the date-like relationship? Are you ready for the move to greater intimacy? Are you looking for a relationship right now? In my own experience, I've sometimes pushed to make a para-dating, mutually fun friendship into a relationship when I wasn't actually ready for a relationship just because I had that trajectory in my head.

If you really, truly want a relationship, you should ask her out.
posted by Frowner at 8:18 AM on December 12, 2018 [2 favorites]


I have no idea what is the best and fairest and emotionally safest option for both me and for her.

In my experience, you can't seek the most emotionally safe options *and* be in a seeking-romance, dating-people
head space.

Your desire to take no risks and guard against any emotional disappointment is in direct opposition to dating and romance.

I suggest you look into the concept of building emotional resilience so you don't become someone who is never able to take any risks, ever, for what you want.
posted by Squeak Attack at 8:20 AM on December 12, 2018 [11 favorites]


Shy bairns get nowt.
posted by corvine at 8:41 AM on December 12, 2018 [12 favorites]


Best answer: As a 30-something queer woman who asked out my best queer woman friend in our 20s and got gently turned down...it is totally possible to ask, be rejected, and still maintain a wonderful friendship. I had a crazy massive crush on her, she didn’t feel the same, but I’m so glad I asked—it helped me move on from that crush and maintain our close friendship. We are closer now than we were then.

I think I said something like “so...no pressure, but...would you want to go on a date some time?” She was like, “I don’t feel that way about you, but I’m flattered!” And I said “ok, thanks for being so cool about it” and that was the end of that.

So...just ask! What if it turns out she feels the same? You could be having an amazing relationship as soon as tomorrow!

Good luck!
posted by Illuminated Clocks at 8:42 AM on December 12, 2018 [21 favorites]


Buy an article of clothing with very soft fabric.
Sit side by side, close together, on a sofa at night in a not too bright room (Netflix was made for this).
Drink a few drinks if you roll that way.
Say "mmm this shirt is so soft, feel!"
If she feels the fabric for more than 2 seconds, look her in the eye and pause.
Say some variation of "your eyes are really beautiful". Maybe glance at her lips.
If she likes you, kissing will probably happen.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 8:49 AM on December 12, 2018 [3 favorites]


Best answer: +1 to Illuminated Clocks - one of my best friends in the world is another queer woman and we dated for a couple of months in 2014. I can't foresee exactly how things will turn out - and neither can you, nobody can! - but I do know that in queer circles there is often a lot more complexity and intimacy and, when things are healthy, more of a habit of renegotiating boundaries without dropping out of each others lives entirely. the cultural scripts of intimacy (and the Meaning of Intimacy) that govern straight life don't always apply to us in the same ways - and we have to figure out for ourselves what it means when we deeply care about somebody AND find them attractive. (I don't even mean this in a polyamory sense, just in a "there's often more ambiguity in our close friendships" way).

I recently went through a breakup and my ex and I were talking about being friends after a period of no-contact. I mentioned to her I would understand if she didn't want to be in the same common group situations, and she was like, "elephantsvanish, we're not straight folks! just because things didn't work out doesn't mean we can't still be part of community together!" and like, yes sometimes that ideal doesn't work out and that's fine, but I think it's an important point to remember.

I wish you well! It sounds like your time together is lovely and she's a person worth being very excited about. Taking risks because you're ecstatic about another person is a road that often leads to growth and good places imo! :)
posted by elephantsvanish at 8:54 AM on December 12, 2018 [6 favorites]


I'd use the old "Can I take you on a date?"

Yes, even though you spend tons of time together and eat meals together all the time.

It conveys (1) "I want this to become not-platonic," (2) "I want more than a dumb hookup," (3) "I want to be kind to you and treat you well." And then if she says yes, instead of having dinner together worrying about whether she's into you, you can have dinner together knowing she's into you, which is a deliciously different experience.

I wouldn't hedge, at least not at first. If she hesitates or gives a soft-no answer like "Well, I don't know," then you can say "No pressure. I promise no matter what happens I'll still want to be your friend." But start with asking for what you're hoping for.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:57 AM on December 12, 2018 [4 favorites]


Best answer: OMG tell her. I was pretty much exactly you nine years ago. I was terrified. I asked her out. Two years later I asked her to marry me. We are such sappy dorks still. It's awesome.
The worst case scenarios are: 1- you ask her out, she declines, you say "okay cool, I might need a little time to be embarrassed but I really want to still be friends". A good friendship can take that. OR 2-she declines or accepts, it somehow devolves into messy drama, and you lose the friendship in a flaming wreck, IN WHICH CASE, it's not because "you never should have asked her out", it's because sometimes shit happens and you find out you weren't as compatible friend or datewise as you thought.

The mere act of asking out, IMO, does not cause a flaming wreck. It exposes whether both of you can act with maturity and integrity, and that's a good thing to find out about a friend or a partner.
posted by nakedmolerats at 9:14 AM on December 12, 2018 [13 favorites]


There's no risk-free way to do this. You can either take the chance and risk rejection and possible damage to the friendship, or you can pine silently, lose any chance of a romantic relationship with your friend, and still risk damage to the friendship. Either way, the friendship is probably already unstable—but only one option has any chance of getting you where you want to be.

Ask her. There's a good chance she'll reciprocate. You have to take the risk.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 9:32 AM on December 12, 2018 [4 favorites]


We have so much fun together and get along so well - I’ve been wondering what if we went on a dateand just see how that goes? What do you think?

If she says yes, awesome. If she says no, shrug it off and keep being friends.
posted by bunderful at 9:51 AM on December 12, 2018 [2 favorites]


Honestly it kind of sounds like you’re already dating and just haven’t admitted it.
posted by bunderful at 9:53 AM on December 12, 2018 [5 favorites]


Best answer: I have clearly watched one too many Hallmark Christmas Movies this month, and I'm feeling very optimistic and hopeful in general, but here's another vote for GO FOR IT.

Xmas is a magical time and crazy amazing things can happen.
posted by JenThePro at 9:53 AM on December 12, 2018 [5 favorites]


Ask her out on a date.

It doesn't have to be a big proposal and declaration of feelings, just 'Would you like to go on a date with me? It's fine if you're not interested, I'd still like to be friends'.

It seems like you're worried that if she doesn't reciprocate your feelings she'll be so offended or mortified she won't want to be your friend any more.

I don't think that's likely, but sadly, you can't remove the risk of hurt and rejection from dating- it's the price we pay for the pursuit of love!
posted by Dwardles at 9:58 AM on December 12, 2018 [2 favorites]


Best answer: I'm horrible at trusting my intuition around these things when it applies to me personally, but I read your previous question when you posted it, and between that Ask and this update, to me it all but screams YES, she likes you.

I've been on the receiving end of this and the way the other person framed it to me was more or less, "I like you very much. I'm open, I'm available, and I'm interested. If you're not, no worries: I support you. But if I didn't ask, then I'd never know." It was perfect.
posted by anderjen at 10:02 AM on December 12, 2018 [11 favorites]


I figure she likes you, like, LIKES YOU likes you.
posted by SaltySalticid at 10:26 AM on December 12, 2018 [3 favorites]


I say ask. You don’t actually have much to lose; a friendship where you are hiding your feelings and pining isn’t really all that great of a friendship. Hopefully your interest is reciprocated, but as others have said it is ok to put it out there and learn the truth even if the answer is not what you hoped.
posted by Dip Flash at 10:31 AM on December 12, 2018 [1 favorite]


Best answer: There are two predictable ways that speaking your heart can do harm here.

1. She is repelled by the proposal of anything so wet and intimate as love and can't get over it, or she cannot possibly imagine you as a sweetheart and can't tolerate the idea of you secretly longing for her.

2. She rejects you, you resent it, and you don't overcome the resentment.

You can't do anything about the first possibility, because she is another person, and you can't do anything about other people. You can, however, carefully review everything she has ever said to you to see if she seems likely to respond one of those two ways, with particular care as to any veiled, half-conscious messages she might have been trying to convey. If you can't find any reason to think she would find an avowal repellent, you can then make the avowal as reassuring as is compatible with making it honest and clear. That's all you can do. She might still withdraw. Times like this are why we have courage.

My friend, blood shaking my heart
The awful daring of a moment’s surrender
Which an age of prudence can never retract
By this, and this only, we have existed

-- Eliot, The Waste Land

You can do something about the second possibility, because your feelings are yours. Review every imaginable scenario in which she says no, and see how they make you feel. Look carefully for any sense of being wronged. Reflect that no one owes anyone love, that love is lagniappe, something over and above economics, morality, or civility. If you can't eradicate feelings of resentment at the thought of being refused, hold your tongue. You have a right to destroy your good friendship, but not hers.

What I did under similar circumstances, because I trusted her, and because I cannot hold my tongue very well at all, was to say "I'm sorry, but I think I am getting a crush on you. Don't worry, I can manage it. This happens sometimes, and after a while subsides." I am not an especially attractive guy, and was more concerned with reassuring her that I wasn't going to spoil everything than with any hope of her returning my feelings. To my astonishment, she thought that crushing was perfectly fine. We have been married thirty years now.
posted by ckridge at 10:39 AM on December 12, 2018 [11 favorites]


From one queer woman to another queer woman: you know there are memes about how we can't figure out when girls like us even when it's really obvious, right?

and then another one about how we are all friends with our exes?

As long as neither of you are jerks (and I bet you aren't), I think the friendship will survive even if romance isn't on the table. GOOD LUCK!
posted by wellifyouinsist at 10:46 AM on December 12, 2018 [11 favorites]


One advantage of this being a queer relationship is that we straight women know damn well that if a dude asks us out and we turn him down, the odds that the "friendship" will immediately collapse (either because it was just a cover for getting close, or because he takes rejection like a whiny little man-baby or worse) are quite high. Seems like lesbians have a fighting chance of avoiding that, because there isn't that threat of male aggression always lurking in the background. I say go for it! It's scary as hell, but there is truly no other way to get what you want.
posted by praemunire at 11:14 AM on December 12, 2018 [3 favorites]


Let me tell you about the time I asked a friend out. She said no. She's still my friend, and I couldn't ask for a better one.

However, I agree with SaltySalticid. I think she likes you.
posted by fearnothing at 11:29 AM on December 12, 2018 [1 favorite]


Ask, and ask soon or you'll start to feel even more awkward.

+1 to my experience being that queer ladies generally handle these situations kindly
posted by momus_window at 11:33 AM on December 12, 2018


"I have SUCH a great time with you. Have you ever thought we should date?"
posted by metasarah at 12:49 PM on December 12, 2018 [1 favorite]


I swear every one of my queer female friends has been in one of these vague situations. Just ask!
posted by noxperpetua at 12:56 PM on December 12, 2018 [2 favorites]


Best answer: I sometimes get a romantic vibe from her, especially when we're alone--she compliments my appearance, makes jokes about sex and is markedly physically comfortable and familiar with me (touching my shoulder when talking to me, for example). When we're hanging out with her or my friends though, I barely feel that vibe anymore and become confused.

If I was flirting with someone in hopes they would flirt back and we would wind up kissing I would not do it in front of other people. I would also talk about sex and dating in the hope that they would realize I am interested in both. YMMV, just one way to interpret her behavior.

So she flirts with you. Do you flirt back? When she touches your shoulder do you touch her, make lingering eye contact, giggle, smile, anything?

She does deserve to know how you feel, because if she doesn't want to pursue something with you (seems unlikely but if) she deserves to know so she can dial back the physicality. If she's nuts about you and trying to figure out your signals ... well ... she deserves to know in that case too, wouldn't you say. As others have said it doesn't have to be a big declaration. But if you keep playing the guessing game and she eventually starts dating someone else, someone who asks her on a date, aren't you always going to wonder what if?
posted by bunderful at 4:25 PM on December 12, 2018 [2 favorites]


I would be sneaky. Next time you go out with her and her friends, explain the situation to the friend you get along the best with and ask her if she knows if the lady in question could return your feelings. If you're new on their scene, I'm sure her friends have asked how she feels about you and if there's potential for more. That way you get an idea of where her head's at and you can either follow it up or drop it and retain the friendship.
posted by Jubey at 8:13 PM on December 12, 2018


Ask her on a date, using the word "date", preferably after a sentence or two of foreshadowing so she knows where you're going, and accompanied by an easy excuse. E.g., "We've been getting along really well as friends, and sometimes I wonder if we'd work romantically. If you're not seeing anyone at the moment, would you like to go out on a date with me?"

It might help to do this shortly before you and she would part ways, so that you don't have a long, awkward time together if she says no. She might also feel safer saying no under these circumstances. I did it to my now-wife right as we were pulling into her stop; she has since informed me that one or two stops before would have been better.
posted by meaty shoe puppet at 8:29 PM on December 12, 2018


I would ask her if I could kiss her.
posted by clseace at 9:22 PM on December 12, 2018


Best answer: Ask her out!!

I'm going to quote Lyn Never here, from a different situation, but I've kept this mantra close to my heart ever since I've read it and it's given me courage for many things since:
Life is [unpredictable]. If you say no to this just because you fear change, that is no talisman against change.
Look, based on your description of her from both asks, she sounds like a very lovely and caring person who values you and your friendship regardless. With that said, I predict
best case scenario: it goes swimmingly and you start dating
worst case: it's awkward for a bit while your feelings stabilize again, but remaining close friends is still an option (I've been in the same scenario, but I did the turning down)

It'll be fine! I know it's nerve-wracking, and it feels like it isn't, but it's really ok! Sample: "Hey Friend, I really enjoy spending time with you. If you're interested, would you like to go on a date?" If via text (which I think is OK), or in person if it seems like it might be a no, add on: "If you don't feel the same way, that's totally fine, I just wanted to ask! I'm looking forward to [upcoming event] :)"
posted by lesser weasel at 10:29 PM on December 12, 2018 [4 favorites]


"Can I kiss you?" might be easier than a proclamation of love out of nowhere.
posted by poilkj at 7:59 AM on December 14, 2018


As a shy, inhibited, overthinker - if you do it via text or email you can take your time crafting the message and you only have to be brave long enough to hit "send" which is under a second.
posted by bunderful at 8:31 AM on December 14, 2018 [1 favorite]


I hope you'll update here and let us know how things are going! I'm rooting for you!
posted by anderjen at 7:56 AM on December 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


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