Get this word outta my head!

December 9, 2018 4:20 PM

I have an embarrassing problem: a very offensive word which is constantly popping up in my head whenever I see a person for whom it is a horrendous insult. I need help making it stop.

Yes, that word. No, it has not been said out loud, and I do not think I am at risk of that happening. I merely have the discomfort of it bouncing around inside my skull.

For a long time I've had an occasional thing where my brain will come up with what it imagines to be the most destructive or shocking thing that I could do in a given moment. It was pretty rare, and never resulted in anything so I just dismissed it as a weird thing that brains did and people just never talked about; this word was just one thing among them. However, over the past few months it's turned in to an everyday barrage of this word instead of one fleeting thought every few weeks or months, and I'm no longer able to dismiss it so easily.

I've started trying to focus on a benign word/phrase every time it turns up, it's a little soon to know if that's working. But please, any other suggestions you have will be welcome.

sincerely,
MeFi user who's trying very hard NOT to be racist

posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (27 answers total)

Maybe listen to the song: Taboo by Tim Minchin and then keep the refrain 'only a ______ can call another ______ '______'.'
posted by Thella at 4:31 PM on December 9, 2018

Have you heard The Invisiblia episode on “Dark Thoughts?” (Trigger warning for suicidal ideation)
They explain how the latest thinking on this is that our thoughts do not represent some kind of inner truth about us. Or at least not thoughts like this.

For my own dark thoughts, I try to picture them as garbage getting picked up by the garbage truck and hauled away. It hasn’t stopped them from happening but it has allowed me to assert the self I want to be and not let these thoughts have too much power.
posted by CMcG at 4:37 PM on December 9, 2018 [25 favorites]

I don’t think this is a sudden onset of racism. What you’re describing sort of sounds like a form of Tourette’s syndrome or possibly OCD (recurring intrusive thoughts). There have been some cases where an infection can cause a sudden onset of these symptoms (it’s called PANS). While mostly found in children, it may be worth getting checked out by a doctor, and possibly a psychiatrist if this has been a recurring thing that has suddenly gotten worse.

I think your redirecting strategy is a good one, and one that follows some very effective CBT techniques that are helpful with similarly unpleasant recurring thoughts. But I would still recommend you see a doctor just to make sure this isn’t an infection-based thing, or if it’s a symptom of OCD manifesting as intrusive thought. There are absolutely medications you can take to help with this if so. One thing my psychiatrist prescribed me for intrusive thoughts was 8000 mg of Inositol (available OTC as a supplement) split into two 4000 mg doses morning and evening. It really helps control intrusive and obsessive thought patterns.
posted by ananci at 4:37 PM on December 9, 2018 [35 favorites]

Have you researched intrusive thoughts? There’s a lot of good info on that available. Please look it up if you haven’t.

I suffer from this, too, although I’m still able to get past it. I find labeling the thought helps me move on. “Oh, there’s that thing “X” again, happening in my brain.” And I act like it’s a totally normal, albeit unwanted automatic thing that happens, like a sneeze or a muscle spasm. My advice is learn to label it, give it no more importantance than a sneeze, and move on. I do not believe that this intrusive thought will turn you into a racist. If people could see what goes on in our heads, we’d have all killed each other by now. Your thoughts do not define you; your actions do.

Alternately, see a therapist who can help with intrusive thoughts. Certainly see one if you start speaking them aloud, and it’s no longer just in your head.
posted by greermahoney at 4:38 PM on December 9, 2018 [9 favorites]

I think it's more likely that this is a pattern-matching rut your brain got into. Oh, every time __ happens, we do __. Every time we see this person we say "___". I asked this question for a friend about a really annoying pattern-matching thing their brain was doing for awhile. You might find some good advice in here.
posted by bleep at 4:39 PM on December 9, 2018

Also, try to think about if there's anything stressing you out in particular that you can focus your energy on resolving.
posted by bleep at 4:41 PM on December 9, 2018

Have you heard of obsessive thoughts? The Maria Bamford link is comedic but her explanation in this routine was the first time I understood that it was a real thing that other people experienced.
posted by bunderful at 4:43 PM on December 9, 2018 [3 favorites]

In addition to the treatment options for intrusive thoughts, it's worth reflecting on the fact that efforts at mental control are intrinsically ironic, in the sense that they are prone to backfire.

Your brain says, "Hey, I want to stop thinking that word." To carry out that command, though, it has to monitor for instances of the word. So already, your brain is murmuring to itself, "word word word" as it looks around. And there you go.

That may be cold comfort, but at least you don't have to blame yourself for having a particular weakness when it comes to mental control.
posted by Beardman at 4:43 PM on December 9, 2018 [2 favorites]

Sometimes, it works better to swap a mental picture instead of another word, particularly something really vivid/distinctive, like:

Monarch butterfly
Mantis shrimp
Rainbow cake

It is worth doing some investigation into intrusive thoughts, but I know this is one of the techniques sometimes used to manage the immediate issue.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:45 PM on December 9, 2018 [5 favorites]

How's your stress-level these days? Because I get disturbing intrusive thoughts when I'm really stressed out, and once I identified that trigger, I started to talk myself down by reminding myself that I am under a lot of stress and these thoughts are a symptom of that, not the real me.
posted by soren_lorensen at 4:48 PM on December 9, 2018 [3 favorites]

I understand why this is embarrassing and uncomfortable, but I think you're quadrupling the discomfort and ramping up the occurrence by mentally passing a judgement on yourself for involuntary thoughts.

It's a reflex thought and I don't know that one can combat those. When I'm very frustrated with someone I commonly think of the R-word used as a slur but I don't... I don't know, I would never say that and I don't think of people who are mentally disabled in a way that is congruent with any kind of slur.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:00 PM on December 9, 2018 [3 favorites]

You need a neutral alternative cue to go to when you think like this. Find one. (As mentioned by Lyn Never)
posted by ovvl at 5:01 PM on December 9, 2018

It's not clear whether you just find it annoying to have this word popping into your head over and over again or whether it makes you feel like a bad person when it happens. If it's the latter, I think that means you're misinterpreting what's happening. The word doesn't pop into your head because you're racist or insensitive - just the opposite. You're very aware that it's an offensive word that you don't want to use. When it pops into your head, I think it's similar to the way you might briefly picture your car going too close to the edge and falling as you drive on a steep mountain road. Your brain is just staying aware of possible things that could go wrong and reminding you of them. Think of it as a little unneeded reminder from your brain that the word is offensive and you don't want to use it.

At least that's how it probably started out. After it happened a few times and you had really bad feelings about it, then whenever you found yourself in a similar situation you would automatically remember the word popping up and of course that would make it happen again. By now, it's just something your brain does out of habit. Next time it happens, just remind yourself that it keeps coming back because it bothers you so much you can't forget it, and the reason it bothers you is that you're a good person who understands that it's offensive.
posted by Redstart at 6:00 PM on December 9, 2018 [2 favorites]

I have a range of these, going from something similar to what you describe to some bad mental images that repeat when I contemplate things like my self worth. I assume it’s part of my family history or OCD and anxiety. (I’m on a med for anxiety but I don’t think it addresses intrusive thoughts). Anyway, they don’t make you a bad personality, it’s your brain being dumb. If it feels like it’s getting overwhelming a therapist or psychiatrist can likely help and won’t be shocked or judge you.
posted by PussKillian at 7:37 PM on December 9, 2018 [2 favorites]

I want to reiterate: this is not your fault. This is something the brain does to itself. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism to prevent the thing from happening; we don’t know. The fact that you know what it is and you hate it means that you’re safe from it.

One coping strategy I use for obsessive thoughts is to think, “Oh, it’s that guy. That guy sucks.” I always imagine that in Homestar Runner’s voice, and it’s impossible not to crack a smile. There’s also the response, “Hi, Gary.” I have a hard time being intimidated by a Gary.

Obsessive thoughts are like finger-cuff toys; struggle and they tighten, relax inward and they loosen. This is much easier said than done sometimes, but that is okay. These things take time.
posted by Countess Elena at 8:02 PM on December 9, 2018 [6 favorites]

Just a quick interjection to say that while I agree with all of the above, you should probably be careful how (or if) you choose to reveal this to people in your "real" life -- a good friend of mine had something similar, and told me, years ago and I'm sorry to say it colored my view of him for a good while. Which it shouldn't have, I now know, but even so I pretty much blew it and hurt him.
posted by aramaic at 8:38 PM on December 9, 2018

This sounds like Tourette's, OCD, or similar; hopefully treatable, and not your fault.
But also, don't tell your POC friends about it. Racism hurts them, this will hurt them, and that's not their fault either.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 8:54 PM on December 9, 2018 [4 favorites]

This sounds like intrusive thoughts // OCD. A therapist could help. Probably one that specializes in this area.
posted by Toddles at 9:11 PM on December 9, 2018

Many years ago whenever I saw a baby I used to have an intrusive thought of accidentally hurting it. Of course I never wanted to! It would just pop in my mind what if.

Then I realized how deeply I feared the vulnerability of babies, and actually my own vulnerability. When I made peace with my own vulnerability, whenever I saw babies I wanted to snuggle and protect them.

So... what are you shitting on? Do you feel underdog / prejudged / not good as? The reaction to trying to deny that feeling might be to try to squish someone else down. So you don’t have to dare feel like you are actually the same.

So that’s what I’d explore. What are you uncomfortable with? Maybe there is something you identify with and fear, so fight against even acknowledging those buried feelings with a nasty word.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:14 PM on December 9, 2018 [2 favorites]

I dont think anyone else has mentioned this but have you considered the external media that your being exposed to? If you are regularly seeing or hearing media that reinforces racist thoughts, that might be what your brain is subconcioisly funnelling into concentrated racisim in the form of that word.

It's a slow drip drip effect but it can ultimately change how your frame how you think about things.
posted by Faintdreams at 1:16 AM on December 10, 2018 [1 favorite]

I have this exact same thing. I also have images of hurting people and generally doing or saying horrible, unacceptable things. I think it is a combination of social anxiety and OCD, which manifests like this in social or work situations. I also have general OCD which follows the same sort of pattern.

I haven't found a magic cure, however I try to deal with it by allowing the thoughts to pass, framing them as 'annoying thoughts' and gently reminding myself that I do not believe those words, I do not use those words and that they are totally incompatible with my beliefs and feelings, basically reminding myself that I am a good person, and allowing the thoughts to pass on by without directly acknowledging them. Of course the moment you start thinking about the thoughts, you are back having them again, and feeding the fire so giving them as little brain space as possible seems to be the only way through.
posted by RandomInconsistencies at 2:12 AM on December 10, 2018

Hi! Clinical psychologist with lots of experience (clinical and research) in OCD here! I definitely agree that this is a type of obsessional thought (in a similar vein to other "bad" thoughts such as throwing a baby out a window, pulling down one's pants in public, smashing a loved one's prized possession, etc). This is separate from Tourette's, since you are not actually SAYING the word, but it does keep happening because you don't want to say it. Let me repeat that: this intrusive thought is increasing in frequency because you are:

1. worried about it happening and
2. worried about what it means about you

As a professional, let me assure you that having this thought around this person only means that you DESPERATELY don't want to say/think that word, and are unfortunately imbuing it with all kinds of extra power and meaning by panicking and pushing it away.

I emphatically disagree with everyone who is telling you to continue swapping out words/pictures mentally. That is absolutely NOT consistent with CBT or anything that is recommended in high-quality OCD treatment. Actually, if I were treating you clinically I would have you deliberately think that word (and other offensive word) around "triggering" people until you became less anxious about it. That is how exposure works. But you can also/additionally use mindfulness, which means allowing this word to just be in your mind when it comes. The thing to do here is allow the thought to be there, without adding layers of judgment or anxiety. Countess Elena is on the right track.
posted by Bebo at 5:05 AM on December 10, 2018 [11 favorites]

Have you ever heard of the Imp of the Perverse? It might make you feel better to know that humans have been doing this thing for a long time.
posted by fiercecupcake at 7:55 AM on December 10, 2018 [2 favorites]

Bite your tongue.
posted by bdc34 at 8:45 AM on December 10, 2018

You are thinking this thought because you care about this person and are worried about doing something that would make them unhappy. The word is recurring as the result of anxiety that you or someone else would do something and inadvertantly misuse this person. Other people have fears of this nature such as never backing up a car without being terrified they might run over a child.

The cure is to spend as much time as possible in this person's presence until you get distracted. If you spend six weeks on a camping and hiking trip with this person sleeping in the same tent I guarantee you will start thinking about mosquitoes and photograph opportunities rather than having that word occur, or when it does you will no longer have the deep anxiety reaction, it will just be an ear worm.

Cultivate this person. Invite them out for coffee. And, as a back-up tell them that a couple of people have suggested you may have a very mild form of tourettes. Invite them to join your book group. Be around them and other people who might trigger The Word as much as possible and it will extinguish.
posted by Jane the Brown at 9:50 AM on December 10, 2018

Nthing that this is an OCD type thing.

I am on a browser that won’t let me make a good link but if you google “OCD four steps” you can find a very useful and well studied technique for dealing with this. Basically it’s a version of what the expert upthread said— you can’t panic when your brain does this and you can’t push it away or blot it out. Instead, you let the intrusive thought sit there, kind of give it a blank stare, then say to yourself “well, there’s my brain misfiring again!” And then continue with your business.

This both makes it less upsetting when the thoughts arise, and for many people makes the phenomenon ebb or disappear entirely.

(Also, the intrusive thoughts will pertain to whatever you find personally or morally horrifying. So homophobes have thoughts of being gay, religious people have thoughts of worshipping Satan, etc. I just mention this to underline that your mental phenomena mean you strongly want to NOT be racist. It’s important to understand this, because the mental activity after a horrifying thought, where you in panic search your soul for possible evidence that you Actually Are A Horrible Person , is one of the ways the thought process re-encodes itself to keep happening. Blase nonchalance in the face of these thoughts is your secret weapon.)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/use-your-mind-change-your-brain/201106/you-are-not-your-brain
posted by hungrytiger at 12:07 PM on December 10, 2018

I had intrusive thoughts and going on antidepressants helped -- it was part of my postpartum depression. Talk to a professional. Your doctor, a therapist, someone along those lines. It's a really common problem and help is out there. (I still get them occasionally but not to the distressing levels they were at with PPD.)
posted by The corpse in the library at 5:23 PM on December 11, 2018