What should I give my wife in recovery?
December 7, 2018 4:03 PM Subscribe
In January, my wife will be spending some time in residential alcohol rehab. She is motivated and excited to close this chapter in her life, and I am trying extra hard to give her a wonderful holiday. I'm trying to think of a present to give her after she comes home, something that I can tell her about this month that will help inspire and motivate her to succeed and know how proud I am of her. But I'm drawing a blank! What do you think?
Unfortunately, money is an object, as rehab and holidays are expensive. So my first thoughts, like plane tickets, are probably out. I don't make very much money, and we need to be prudent. But I would like something meaningful. If you have been on either side of recovery, especially willing but complicated recovery, did you receive anything that you found especially touching? Please let me know, and thanks for your help!
Unfortunately, money is an object, as rehab and holidays are expensive. So my first thoughts, like plane tickets, are probably out. I don't make very much money, and we need to be prudent. But I would like something meaningful. If you have been on either side of recovery, especially willing but complicated recovery, did you receive anything that you found especially touching? Please let me know, and thanks for your help!
Symbolic jewelry? Her birthstone (metaphor: being reborn)?
posted by salvia at 5:05 PM on December 7, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by salvia at 5:05 PM on December 7, 2018 [4 favorites]
Is there something that can be done at home while she's gone? Like, while she's away, you're going to (do that project she always wanted you to do)? Or...do a deep clean of the house so she comes home to comfort and relaxation?
posted by BlahLaLa at 5:12 PM on December 7, 2018 [8 favorites]
posted by BlahLaLa at 5:12 PM on December 7, 2018 [8 favorites]
My experience is with an addict that relapsed after recovery. Your wife has to be motivated intrinsically to succeed. No gift that you announce in advance will prevent a relapse. Would you decide not to give the gift if your wife does not succeed? This path seems fraught.
When your wife returns, give a gift of service by lightening her load and gradually returning her to full responsibilities so she has time to attend meetings, rest, exercise, or do other activities that support her recovery. A full stock of flavoured non-alcoholic beverages including varieties of fizzy water and tea would be nice. Anything else is gravy.
posted by crazycanuck at 5:16 PM on December 7, 2018 [20 favorites]
When your wife returns, give a gift of service by lightening her load and gradually returning her to full responsibilities so she has time to attend meetings, rest, exercise, or do other activities that support her recovery. A full stock of flavoured non-alcoholic beverages including varieties of fizzy water and tea would be nice. Anything else is gravy.
posted by crazycanuck at 5:16 PM on December 7, 2018 [20 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you for checking in on that, crazycanuck. To be clear, I don't expect my gift to actually be motivating. I actually have no concerns about her motivation; she's been the driving force behind all of this. She decided to seek help, figured out everything with work and money, and finding the facility without any pushing or interventions. While I have given her a lot of praise for her decision and all her hard work here, she's motivated all by herself.
Of course I will give her a gift if she doesn't succeed. I'm very proud of who she is and what she's trying to do. If she fails, once, lots, or forever, I'll still be proud of who she is and what she's trying to do.
I'm hoping not to motivate or bribe her, but to just show her how proud I am of her. I appreciate all the suggestions so far, and will definitely stock up on sober-friendly beverages!
posted by Darn those sockpuppets at 5:37 PM on December 7, 2018 [21 favorites]
Of course I will give her a gift if she doesn't succeed. I'm very proud of who she is and what she's trying to do. If she fails, once, lots, or forever, I'll still be proud of who she is and what she's trying to do.
I'm hoping not to motivate or bribe her, but to just show her how proud I am of her. I appreciate all the suggestions so far, and will definitely stock up on sober-friendly beverages!
posted by Darn those sockpuppets at 5:37 PM on December 7, 2018 [21 favorites]
I love the idea of a sparkling clean house. Maybe nice new bed linens so she’ll feel extra good being home in her own bed again, and spruce up her nightstand with comfy slippers and some books to read.
But I’d avoid a jewelry/sentimental object gift. Reason being, if she relapses she might see that object as a symbol of failing you or that she no longer deserves that thing.
She is being super brave and the support you are giving her now and going forward is the best gift of all.
posted by dayintoday at 5:58 PM on December 7, 2018 [12 favorites]
But I’d avoid a jewelry/sentimental object gift. Reason being, if she relapses she might see that object as a symbol of failing you or that she no longer deserves that thing.
She is being super brave and the support you are giving her now and going forward is the best gift of all.
posted by dayintoday at 5:58 PM on December 7, 2018 [12 favorites]
A friend of mine who went through recovery succeeded the most because, once leaving rehab, she then went to 90 meetings in the next 90 days. She specifically looked for a meeting in the area for every single day of those next 90 days. And then having her support network keep doing things with her (she drank socially) but in non-alcohol venues. Finding fun social things to do in place of the ones she would drink in were important but also a struggle.
YF(riend)MV. Good luck to both of you!
posted by jillithd at 5:59 PM on December 7, 2018 [5 favorites]
YF(riend)MV. Good luck to both of you!
posted by jillithd at 5:59 PM on December 7, 2018 [5 favorites]
Best answer: This may not be THE gift, so I wouldn't tell her in advance, but what about documenting what she is be missing in her absence? Record a 30-second video of you telling a story about your day -- EVERY DAY. Screen-shot the funniest tweet or the weirdest story of EVERY day. Take note of viral things so that when she comes home, you can give her a recap of things people are suddenly talking about so she won't feel like she missed the world. If she won't have social media while she's in rehab (which may be the case), you can still make sure that she doesn't miss the GOOD things that happen in the world.
Are there home-related projects you both have been meaning to get to? Replacing a light fixture or installing a better showerhead? Cleaning the whole house is great, and having something small and luxurious to return to (a towel-warming rack isn't all that pricey, for example) will make something new and pleasant for the return.
You sound like a good egg!
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 6:03 PM on December 7, 2018 [8 favorites]
Are there home-related projects you both have been meaning to get to? Replacing a light fixture or installing a better showerhead? Cleaning the whole house is great, and having something small and luxurious to return to (a towel-warming rack isn't all that pricey, for example) will make something new and pleasant for the return.
You sound like a good egg!
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 6:03 PM on December 7, 2018 [8 favorites]
Best answer: Does she have any hobbies or interests that she hasn't pursued because she's been drinking? Many people in early recovery become overwhelmed by the sheer amount of time they have - so much of their time has been spent using/obtaining/recovering from their use, that they have an extra 20 hours in a day. Boredom can be a really big trigger, and exploring interests that have been left behind (that are not incompatible with recovery) can be really nice.
I would also say that if she has a favorite home-cooked meal, make that! Regardless of how nice the treatment center is, a favorite meal will mean more. Breakfast in bed might be nice, too.
The last thing that might be nice is something kind of pampering - maybe a spa day or massage. For many people who have been in treatment, they don't have access to their usual relaxation tools/have been sleeping on an uncomfortable bed. Soothing things can be a huge gift.
Last thing - many folks in early recovery have a lot of anxiety/difficulty sleeping. If that is something she is experiencing, a weighted blanket can be wonderful and may make her heart really happy. YMMV wildly.
posted by superlibby at 6:21 PM on December 7, 2018 [3 favorites]
I would also say that if she has a favorite home-cooked meal, make that! Regardless of how nice the treatment center is, a favorite meal will mean more. Breakfast in bed might be nice, too.
The last thing that might be nice is something kind of pampering - maybe a spa day or massage. For many people who have been in treatment, they don't have access to their usual relaxation tools/have been sleeping on an uncomfortable bed. Soothing things can be a huge gift.
Last thing - many folks in early recovery have a lot of anxiety/difficulty sleeping. If that is something she is experiencing, a weighted blanket can be wonderful and may make her heart really happy. YMMV wildly.
posted by superlibby at 6:21 PM on December 7, 2018 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Does she journal? Because I was thinking a beautiful blank book, where she can write any feelings, anxieties, successes in it as she begins this new phase of her life. And a nice pen or two (because I'm forever misplacing mine) to go with it.
posted by annieb at 6:39 PM on December 7, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by annieb at 6:39 PM on December 7, 2018 [3 favorites]
crazycanuck put me in mind of this, but a SodaStream or other fizzy water maker might be nice. Or maybe an infuser water bottle or pitcher. I don't have alcohol or sweetened drinks and I love water infused with herbs and/or fruit.
posted by angiep at 6:41 PM on December 7, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by angiep at 6:41 PM on December 7, 2018 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Do you have a space you can turn into her own private area to sit in and chill? A lot of people like to take some "me time" with their favorite drinks and snacks and books around the time of day they used to think about drinking.
posted by BibiRose at 7:13 PM on December 7, 2018
posted by BibiRose at 7:13 PM on December 7, 2018
A lot of alcoholics find they crave sweets when they stop drinking, regardless of whether or not they liked them before. There is a ton of sugar in alcoholic drinks.
The best thing I can think to do for both of you is spend a little time doing some activity sober. Go hiking, or something, and appreciate some time with your wife while she's clear headed. Let her know how much you value that.
Another good idea would be to go to an AA meeting with her. Some meetings are closed to outsiders, but many are not. It will give you a reference point for a lot of future conversations about what happened at that day's meeting. I guess you could even attend one now while she's away. If you do, you'll be able to relate better to what she tells you about her experience in rehab.
posted by xammerboy at 9:24 PM on December 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
The best thing I can think to do for both of you is spend a little time doing some activity sober. Go hiking, or something, and appreciate some time with your wife while she's clear headed. Let her know how much you value that.
Another good idea would be to go to an AA meeting with her. Some meetings are closed to outsiders, but many are not. It will give you a reference point for a lot of future conversations about what happened at that day's meeting. I guess you could even attend one now while she's away. If you do, you'll be able to relate better to what she tells you about her experience in rehab.
posted by xammerboy at 9:24 PM on December 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
Something pleasant that can replace part of the comfort she got from drinking. Maybe (if you think she'd enjoy that) a variety of good quality teas in pretty storage boxes, together with a really nice looking tea pot and mugs, and something to keep the tea hot... and a good kettle if you don't have one yet. Drinking non-alcoholic, yet comforting drinks should be made as easy and pleasant as possible, and maybe tea is a good candidate.
posted by Too-Ticky at 12:38 AM on December 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by Too-Ticky at 12:38 AM on December 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
I’m very close with a couple of people in recovery, and they’re obsessed with flavored seltzers. I think stocking up with various non-alcoholic beverages that feel a little special would be a nice thing to do (including tea as Too-Ticky suggests). Perhaps you could even buy one of those home seltzer machines?
posted by katie at 3:07 AM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by katie at 3:07 AM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Ok, you want to present her with a gift that will be enjoyed next month; I’d look to see if there are any movies, plays, or similar events being released/ happening in Jan-Feb, e.g., date night to Lego Movie 2 on the 3rd Friday in February! Or, idk, a type of food that takes a while before it can be eaten— pickled vegetables? Aged cheese? Or, create a “passport” that you both will “stamp” at various locations, such as various hip coffee shops within a 100 mile radius. Or, a plant? A bulb that will bloom in spring? You could be a real overachiever and take up knitting to promise her some hand warmers upon her return home.
posted by little_dog_laughing at 4:25 AM on December 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by little_dog_laughing at 4:25 AM on December 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: For my one year soberversary, I had the means to buy myself something luxe to mark the occasion. I ended up buying myself a little amethyst heart that cost about $10. The name means not drunk! I found it really symbolic and meaningful though I am admittedly superstitious like that.
posted by Ruki at 6:22 AM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by Ruki at 6:22 AM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
SodaStream is a great idea, I think. As is the clean house and most importantly, the time and support to go to meetings (if that's her thing) or exercise or meditate (those were my things).
When I was 5 years sober I ended up going out for giant ice cream sundaes with a bunch of friends. I wouldn't have done that when I was newly sober, though. Everyone is different and her feelings about it will evolve. But a special dessert would probably be welcome.
posted by jeweled accumulation at 10:56 AM on December 8, 2018
When I was 5 years sober I ended up going out for giant ice cream sundaes with a bunch of friends. I wouldn't have done that when I was newly sober, though. Everyone is different and her feelings about it will evolve. But a special dessert would probably be welcome.
posted by jeweled accumulation at 10:56 AM on December 8, 2018
A necklace. Freshwater pearls are beautiful and not too pricey. I would love any precious or semi-precious stone or metal jewelry as a gift, especially from husband. Are you in the US? If so go to a Sam's Club if you're a member. There are nice jewelry choices, not too much money.
Also...
When my alcoholic sister was in long-term rehab she craved good quality, fresh food and treats. (Her rehab had low quality food.). I would plan a nice evening out at a restaurant -- but not if alcohol being served is hard for her. Have plenty of her favorite food in the house. Peace and love to you and your wife.
posted by loveandhappiness at 11:04 AM on December 9, 2018
Also...
When my alcoholic sister was in long-term rehab she craved good quality, fresh food and treats. (Her rehab had low quality food.). I would plan a nice evening out at a restaurant -- but not if alcohol being served is hard for her. Have plenty of her favorite food in the house. Peace and love to you and your wife.
posted by loveandhappiness at 11:04 AM on December 9, 2018
Best answer: I have an active alcoholic in my life and several in recovery. I have a couple of suggestions.
1. I attend Al-Anon meetings regularly and have for several years now. If you want to give your wife a gift that keeps on giving, I recommend attending 6 different Al-Anon meetings, if possible, as close together as possible, as a way of taking care of yourself, which is an excellent gift for your wife. (I am a militant agnostic/atheist type; if the god talk is off-putting, feel free to PM for how I have been able to learn and grow in Al-Anon despite the god stuff.)
2. Because relapses, or slips, are so common, I personally would steer clear of any physical gift including SodaStream machines because every physical gift is a tangible symbol of some aspect of her alcoholism. No matter how well-meaning, I think objects like that can easily backfire if anything goes wrong. She is a grown up, she will figure out if she wants a SodaStream or whatever; leave that to her. That's her department as part of figuring out what she needs for recovery.
According to science, the best gifts are experiences rather than objects. But some objects, sentimental objects, are worth a great deal. If it were me, I would follow the advice some others have suggested. I would make sure your home was shining. I would make sure there was plenty of whatever y'all eat and use (toilet paper, dishwasher detergent, pasta sauce, whatever), clean linens, etc.
(I know this sounds crazy but coming home after several challenging weeks and discovering there is no clean laundry and an empty refrigerator and no TP is the opposite of romantic.)
Then I would cook (or get take out) for a lovely dinner, with flowers on the table and candles, if she's a flowers-and-candles kind of person. If the two of you are Netflix types (or podcast types, or music types), after dinner I would tell her I had put off watching/listening to XXX for 30 days (or however long she was in treatment) because I wanted the two of us to enjoy it together.
Before watching or listening to XXX (or going on a favourite walk or whatever) I would give her another hug and hand her an envelop that included a card. The card would show pictures of the two of you together throughout your relationship. And the handwritten text would say something like: I was proud of you X years ago, when Y happened. I was proud of you X months ago when Z happened. I was proud of you when you decided to (stop drinking, start recovery, whatever), and I am proud of you now that you are home.
NAME, I love you very much. The recovery journey you have chosen is your journey. I will support that journey to the best of my ability. But please know that I have always been proud of you. No matter what happens in the future, I will still be proud of you 30 days from now, 30 weeks from now, and 30 years from now.
Most people do not stay sober the first time they try. Your wife may well be one of the lucky ones. If she is not, a letter like this will help remind her if she slips that you love her regardless and you are proud of her regardless. Those are important messages to people, like some of my friends, who slip and then feel deep shame and sometimes self-loathing. And if she doesn't slip, this letter will be just as meaningful. It shows what a loving and warm spouse you are.
Naturally, I don't expect you to use my words, although you can. I'm just saying let her know that while she may be focused on the recovery stuff, because she needs to be, you are focused on her as a whole, as you always have been. It costs very little money to help people feel loved. You can do this. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 11:44 AM on December 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
1. I attend Al-Anon meetings regularly and have for several years now. If you want to give your wife a gift that keeps on giving, I recommend attending 6 different Al-Anon meetings, if possible, as close together as possible, as a way of taking care of yourself, which is an excellent gift for your wife. (I am a militant agnostic/atheist type; if the god talk is off-putting, feel free to PM for how I have been able to learn and grow in Al-Anon despite the god stuff.)
2. Because relapses, or slips, are so common, I personally would steer clear of any physical gift including SodaStream machines because every physical gift is a tangible symbol of some aspect of her alcoholism. No matter how well-meaning, I think objects like that can easily backfire if anything goes wrong. She is a grown up, she will figure out if she wants a SodaStream or whatever; leave that to her. That's her department as part of figuring out what she needs for recovery.
According to science, the best gifts are experiences rather than objects. But some objects, sentimental objects, are worth a great deal. If it were me, I would follow the advice some others have suggested. I would make sure your home was shining. I would make sure there was plenty of whatever y'all eat and use (toilet paper, dishwasher detergent, pasta sauce, whatever), clean linens, etc.
(I know this sounds crazy but coming home after several challenging weeks and discovering there is no clean laundry and an empty refrigerator and no TP is the opposite of romantic.)
Then I would cook (or get take out) for a lovely dinner, with flowers on the table and candles, if she's a flowers-and-candles kind of person. If the two of you are Netflix types (or podcast types, or music types), after dinner I would tell her I had put off watching/listening to XXX for 30 days (or however long she was in treatment) because I wanted the two of us to enjoy it together.
Before watching or listening to XXX (or going on a favourite walk or whatever) I would give her another hug and hand her an envelop that included a card. The card would show pictures of the two of you together throughout your relationship. And the handwritten text would say something like: I was proud of you X years ago, when Y happened. I was proud of you X months ago when Z happened. I was proud of you when you decided to (stop drinking, start recovery, whatever), and I am proud of you now that you are home.
NAME, I love you very much. The recovery journey you have chosen is your journey. I will support that journey to the best of my ability. But please know that I have always been proud of you. No matter what happens in the future, I will still be proud of you 30 days from now, 30 weeks from now, and 30 years from now.
Most people do not stay sober the first time they try. Your wife may well be one of the lucky ones. If she is not, a letter like this will help remind her if she slips that you love her regardless and you are proud of her regardless. Those are important messages to people, like some of my friends, who slip and then feel deep shame and sometimes self-loathing. And if she doesn't slip, this letter will be just as meaningful. It shows what a loving and warm spouse you are.
Naturally, I don't expect you to use my words, although you can. I'm just saying let her know that while she may be focused on the recovery stuff, because she needs to be, you are focused on her as a whole, as you always have been. It costs very little money to help people feel loved. You can do this. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 11:44 AM on December 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Or, even cheaper: clean the whole house so that it is truly sparkling and decorate it in some way that you think she would appreciate to welcome her home. You can make her a nice dinner/order fav takeout and get her something as a physical gift. You could do jewelry (handmade or not), a book or game that she's been wanting, a quilt/super soft blanket, a piece of local art that she'd love.
None of that is from direct experience, I really just came in to say kudos to you and your partner and wish you both well and say that it's really nice of you to make this special for her!
posted by DTMFA at 4:27 PM on December 7, 2018 [3 favorites]