What obligations do I have to my former stepchild?
December 7, 2018 1:04 PM Subscribe
I’m having trouble sorting out my role in my former stepson’s life now that my late husband’s affairs are finally settled. Help me sort through my special snowflake situation.
The very brief backstory: husband died twoish years ago. I was with him for six years. I have a son who is 2 now and will never remember his father.
The stepchild is eight and lives in another city five hours away. His mother has been indifferent toward his relationship with both his father and all family here for the duration of my knowing her. Husband fought, hard, for access to his child. I was as close to the child as one can be given the distance and the by necessity paucity of our time together.
Husband had cancer. It was sudden. We have seen the child twice since and done some stilted, awkward FaceTime chats about once a month. He has activities which limited that. My child had a sleep schedule which also played a role.
Additionally there were some legal proceedings involving my husband’s estate which got very nasty and drawn out. She said she needed more money. She said I shouldn’t have had a child with him. It’s hard to get past that.
I struggle with what I think I ‘should’ do and what I actually feel capable of. It’s so hard to maintain a relationship with someone else’s child if they don’t want you to. But it’s my son’s brother. So what can I do?
The very brief backstory: husband died twoish years ago. I was with him for six years. I have a son who is 2 now and will never remember his father.
The stepchild is eight and lives in another city five hours away. His mother has been indifferent toward his relationship with both his father and all family here for the duration of my knowing her. Husband fought, hard, for access to his child. I was as close to the child as one can be given the distance and the by necessity paucity of our time together.
Husband had cancer. It was sudden. We have seen the child twice since and done some stilted, awkward FaceTime chats about once a month. He has activities which limited that. My child had a sleep schedule which also played a role.
Additionally there were some legal proceedings involving my husband’s estate which got very nasty and drawn out. She said she needed more money. She said I shouldn’t have had a child with him. It’s hard to get past that.
I struggle with what I think I ‘should’ do and what I actually feel capable of. It’s so hard to maintain a relationship with someone else’s child if they don’t want you to. But it’s my son’s brother. So what can I do?
I think it’s not so much what obligations you have to your former stepchild and more what obligations you have to your son so that he can know his brother. Push for play dates.
posted by corb at 1:18 PM on December 7, 2018 [40 favorites]
posted by corb at 1:18 PM on December 7, 2018 [40 favorites]
Cards and pictures of your son, his brother, on a couple-of-times a year schedule, and be responsive to any overtures he makes either to you or to his brother. I wouldn't expect much until he's a teenager, and then maybe he'll be interested in contact or maybe he won't, but if you've got a routine of cards and so on then he'll know you're there and open to contact.
He might never be interested in you or his half-brother, but if he is later on you should be available for some kind of relationship.
posted by LizardBreath at 1:20 PM on December 7, 2018 [38 favorites]
He might never be interested in you or his half-brother, but if he is later on you should be available for some kind of relationship.
posted by LizardBreath at 1:20 PM on December 7, 2018 [38 favorites]
i am in line with thinking your only obligation is to your son. If play dates are too much for you now, maybe just keeping a minimal relationship open for future reference. The cards are a good idea - maybe a short letter expresses your desire for the boys to know each other, Possibly frame it as only about the two of them.
If she is resentful of your son's existance though, that will be tough. Feel bad for her son.
posted by domino at 1:21 PM on December 7, 2018 [5 favorites]
If she is resentful of your son's existance though, that will be tough. Feel bad for her son.
posted by domino at 1:21 PM on December 7, 2018 [5 favorites]
I think that for the sake of your son and his potential desire to know his brother in the future, you should do what you can to keep the door open for a future relationship. At some point, when he's older, that might be something he wants and that your son will want. Things you could do include:
- Writing a letter/email to the former wife, explaining that you understand if she doesn't want to have a relationship with you, but that you hope that the two brothers can build a connection with each other and that you want to do what you can to make that possible.
- Sending birthday and holiday cards and presents.
- Inviting him (and possibly mother too) to come visit your son for his birthday.
- Send other notes, letter, tokens, to let the boy know that you are thinking of him.
You may get no or an outright negative response, but at some point that 8 year old and your 2 year old will be teenagers with their own phones, social media accounts, cars, credit cards, etc. and they will be making their own decisions about who they want to have relationships with. Knowing that you have kept a door open could make a huge difference and I bet it will be appreciated.
posted by brookeb at 1:22 PM on December 7, 2018 [32 favorites]
- Writing a letter/email to the former wife, explaining that you understand if she doesn't want to have a relationship with you, but that you hope that the two brothers can build a connection with each other and that you want to do what you can to make that possible.
- Sending birthday and holiday cards and presents.
- Inviting him (and possibly mother too) to come visit your son for his birthday.
- Send other notes, letter, tokens, to let the boy know that you are thinking of him.
You may get no or an outright negative response, but at some point that 8 year old and your 2 year old will be teenagers with their own phones, social media accounts, cars, credit cards, etc. and they will be making their own decisions about who they want to have relationships with. Knowing that you have kept a door open could make a huge difference and I bet it will be appreciated.
posted by brookeb at 1:22 PM on December 7, 2018 [32 favorites]
I'm not sure it's going to be an advantage to your son to have a relationship with a brother whose mother isn't afraid to say that your son ought never have been born. Leave the door open, but I can't see any reason to push hard on this. If she wants them to have a relationship, she'll meet you halfway; and if she doesn't, then I can't see why you'd push it.
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:24 PM on December 7, 2018 [13 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:24 PM on December 7, 2018 [13 favorites]
Are there grandparents (your husband's parents) or aunts or uncles on this side of the family? Can you facilitate connection through them?
I have older half-siblings who were kept secret from me as a child. One appeared suddenly in my life when I was in college, and it was, frankly, somewhat terrifying, and I handled it badly, permanently damaging our long-term relationship.
It will be hard with the age difference, but do everything you can to keep low-key contact, at least until both kids are old enough (mid-teens) to decide for themselves.
posted by anastasiav at 1:27 PM on December 7, 2018 [12 favorites]
I have older half-siblings who were kept secret from me as a child. One appeared suddenly in my life when I was in college, and it was, frankly, somewhat terrifying, and I handled it badly, permanently damaging our long-term relationship.
It will be hard with the age difference, but do everything you can to keep low-key contact, at least until both kids are old enough (mid-teens) to decide for themselves.
posted by anastasiav at 1:27 PM on December 7, 2018 [12 favorites]
Both these kids will be fine without the other around in their childhoods. Do what you need to do for yourself. Best of luck.
posted by smoke at 1:27 PM on December 7, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by smoke at 1:27 PM on December 7, 2018 [3 favorites]
I'm sorry, but you do have obligations. You and your husband made the choice to have a child, knowing this child would have a half-sibling, and with that half-sibling a regular part of your family. I'm sorry that changed and I'm sorry the sibling comes with a mother who hates you, but that is neither child's fault. Please nuture your relationship with your husband's first son even though its hard so that both children have the basis of a lifelong relationship.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:38 PM on December 7, 2018 [26 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 1:38 PM on December 7, 2018 [26 favorites]
I don't think it's possible to maintain a relationship with someone else's child when their only surviving parent doesn't want you to.
Maybe if his father's family see him you can do something through them? You could send cards, but you won't know that he will receive them or, if he does whether he will appreciate them. I don't think your son or his half-brother will particularly benefit from you trying to maintain an active relationship. He may benefit from you keeping an open door, and being very honest that he has an older half-brother that you guys don't see right now.
posted by plonkee at 1:40 PM on December 7, 2018 [10 favorites]
Maybe if his father's family see him you can do something through them? You could send cards, but you won't know that he will receive them or, if he does whether he will appreciate them. I don't think your son or his half-brother will particularly benefit from you trying to maintain an active relationship. He may benefit from you keeping an open door, and being very honest that he has an older half-brother that you guys don't see right now.
posted by plonkee at 1:40 PM on December 7, 2018 [10 favorites]
You have an obligation to continually try your best to keep the door open. However, you can't control what happens on the other end. So keep sending letters or whatever, even though it may feel like you're shouting into the abyss. One day these boys may thank you for it.
posted by Jubey at 1:43 PM on December 7, 2018 [10 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 1:43 PM on December 7, 2018 [10 favorites]
I have an older half sibling I’ve never met and was not told existed until I was 16 and on my way home from seeing a friend on my birthday, I don’t recommend that route.
Considering the distance and the situation right now I’d stick to cards and maybe small gifts on birthdays and graduations to keep the line of communication open. As your son gets older encourage him to help with the cards and gifts for his brother. It might end up yelling into the void, but keeping a channel open for both of them would be a wonderful thing to do.
posted by lepus at 1:49 PM on December 7, 2018 [6 favorites]
Considering the distance and the situation right now I’d stick to cards and maybe small gifts on birthdays and graduations to keep the line of communication open. As your son gets older encourage him to help with the cards and gifts for his brother. It might end up yelling into the void, but keeping a channel open for both of them would be a wonderful thing to do.
posted by lepus at 1:49 PM on December 7, 2018 [6 favorites]
I will regret for my entire life that my stepparents and parents did not manage to keep a line of communication open, however minimal, to let me know my siblings. As adults we’ve connected but we all regret and deeply feel the loss of knowing each other even a little bit as children.
I can’t say what is right for you, but I wish that something as simple as an annual birthday card had been reliable. I treasure the memory of a single phone call I had with my sister in our entire childhoods; the occasional FaceTime would have been amazing.
I think it would be a great kindness to both boys if you sent cards and pictures, brought your son into the loop to be part of that, and kept an ear open for any signs of interest in more as the boys grow older and can express their own feelings on the subject. Monthly chats are probably more than it is reasonable to ask of anyone involved, especially at this age. and I think you would be fine to let those drop for now.
posted by Stacey at 1:52 PM on December 7, 2018 [7 favorites]
I can’t say what is right for you, but I wish that something as simple as an annual birthday card had been reliable. I treasure the memory of a single phone call I had with my sister in our entire childhoods; the occasional FaceTime would have been amazing.
I think it would be a great kindness to both boys if you sent cards and pictures, brought your son into the loop to be part of that, and kept an ear open for any signs of interest in more as the boys grow older and can express their own feelings on the subject. Monthly chats are probably more than it is reasonable to ask of anyone involved, especially at this age. and I think you would be fine to let those drop for now.
posted by Stacey at 1:52 PM on December 7, 2018 [7 favorites]
it sounds like out of this group of four -- two sons and two mothers -- you and this child are the only ones who share both the memory and the trauma of losing your husband. it is not going to be easy for him to talk with his own mother about missing his father, if he wants to, since his parents weren't each other's family anymore, and your own son is too young for the two of you to remember him together.
so you may want to keep in touch with this kid now and then, not only because it's thoughtful but because he remembers and misses the same person you do. he isn't old enough yet for any compassion or support to be mutual, but he will be someday. you don't have to try to force anything, but make sure he always has a way to reach you.
and if it's very painful for you to interact with him right now, for all those same reasons, it is all right not to keep pressing and pressing for contact.
posted by queenofbithynia at 3:49 PM on December 7, 2018 [11 favorites]
so you may want to keep in touch with this kid now and then, not only because it's thoughtful but because he remembers and misses the same person you do. he isn't old enough yet for any compassion or support to be mutual, but he will be someday. you don't have to try to force anything, but make sure he always has a way to reach you.
and if it's very painful for you to interact with him right now, for all those same reasons, it is all right not to keep pressing and pressing for contact.
posted by queenofbithynia at 3:49 PM on December 7, 2018 [11 favorites]
I think that it's on the adults (you and the other boy's mom) to facilitate your sons' sibling connection for now, while they're too young to do it themselves. However, because it sounds like she is actively opposing such a connection, that's going to put the bulk of the responsibility on you (I firmly believe she is wrong, by the way, to attempt to keep her son from knowing his sibling--your son is a child who hasn't done anything wrong!). She might even purposely try to make it impossible for you, but I'd urge you to keep trying to maintain a connection with this boy.
I liked the suggestion to reach out to a more neutral third party like grandparents, if that's an option, just to have an extra avenue for connection even if the other mom is actively scuttling your attempts. That little boy isn't old enough to make a choice about whether or not he wants his little brother in his life, and I think it's wrong for his mother to unilaterally cut him off from this sibling relationship.
I am sorry, because it sounds really difficult and painful for you. But you will be doing the right thing by continuing to reach out to this little boy on behalf of your son, while he is still too young to be doing it himself. Kids grow up. Hopefully, he will remember your kindness and attempts to connect, if you continue to reach out to him.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 4:21 PM on December 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
I liked the suggestion to reach out to a more neutral third party like grandparents, if that's an option, just to have an extra avenue for connection even if the other mom is actively scuttling your attempts. That little boy isn't old enough to make a choice about whether or not he wants his little brother in his life, and I think it's wrong for his mother to unilaterally cut him off from this sibling relationship.
I am sorry, because it sounds really difficult and painful for you. But you will be doing the right thing by continuing to reach out to this little boy on behalf of your son, while he is still too young to be doing it himself. Kids grow up. Hopefully, he will remember your kindness and attempts to connect, if you continue to reach out to him.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 4:21 PM on December 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
This child's mother is making it clear that she doesn't want to have anything to do with you and your child. Which means if you keep pushing, her son will be caught in the middle, and as a child that's a very fraught place to be. If she's able to say something as hurtful to you as she did about your did, she's capable of taking out her hurt and frustration over you and your child's very existence on her own kid. She'll complain about the two of you to him. She'll force him to take her side. He'll feel feel compelled to side with his mom, and he'll probably feel terrible about being in the middle of a fight between two adults, one of which he doesn't know very well.
He's already lost his dad. Don't make him fear he might lose his mom, too, by accidentally showing you and your son the slightest hint of any interest that could make his mom angry at him.
Limit the contact to occasional cards and notes. Once he's in his teens or twenties, if he's interested in getting in touch, he'll know who you both are and how to contact you. In the meantime, you've provided him with a less stressful childhood by not antagonizing his mom.
posted by Lunaloon at 4:52 PM on December 7, 2018 [7 favorites]
He's already lost his dad. Don't make him fear he might lose his mom, too, by accidentally showing you and your son the slightest hint of any interest that could make his mom angry at him.
Limit the contact to occasional cards and notes. Once he's in his teens or twenties, if he's interested in getting in touch, he'll know who you both are and how to contact you. In the meantime, you've provided him with a less stressful childhood by not antagonizing his mom.
posted by Lunaloon at 4:52 PM on December 7, 2018 [7 favorites]
One day, older brother will look for evidence of his father on the internet. A nice memorial website, with biographical information, memories from friends, photos with the kids and a contact link might be a good breadcrumb to leave.
posted by Scram at 8:03 PM on December 7, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by Scram at 8:03 PM on December 7, 2018 [5 favorites]
Cards and notes sounds good, and I think the occasional reminder of how much his father loved him.
If his mother is that bitter who knows how she's describing his dad or their breakup to him. You keeping up the connection in some way would let the child know that his father did care and did want a relationship with his son. It's not an obligation, but there would be a lot of kindness in it.
posted by trig at 8:39 PM on December 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
If his mother is that bitter who knows how she's describing his dad or their breakup to him. You keeping up the connection in some way would let the child know that his father did care and did want a relationship with his son. It's not an obligation, but there would be a lot of kindness in it.
posted by trig at 8:39 PM on December 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
It’s so hard to maintain a relationship with someone else’s child if they don’t want you to.
Yeah, this. You can't have access to a small child without consent from his mother, and it sounds like you don't have that. The kids may have to connect a lot later when the oldest is old enough to be able to make his own decisions. I really like Scram's suggestion.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:40 PM on December 7, 2018 [1 favorite]
Yeah, this. You can't have access to a small child without consent from his mother, and it sounds like you don't have that. The kids may have to connect a lot later when the oldest is old enough to be able to make his own decisions. I really like Scram's suggestion.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:40 PM on December 7, 2018 [1 favorite]
I strongly agree with LizardBreath and brookeb.
I felt discarded by my parents' exes once the marriages were over. It was really painful as a child, as I had thought that each adult had authentically cared for me on some level, and that it wasn't only performative for the duration of the marriage, so my bias is that you maintain some sort of connection, however casual. It could be very low-key cards now and then and occasional Facetime focusing on the brothers. You can keep it as painless for yourself as possible. It's not your stepson's fault if his mom is a piece of work.
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 2:32 PM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
I felt discarded by my parents' exes once the marriages were over. It was really painful as a child, as I had thought that each adult had authentically cared for me on some level, and that it wasn't only performative for the duration of the marriage, so my bias is that you maintain some sort of connection, however casual. It could be very low-key cards now and then and occasional Facetime focusing on the brothers. You can keep it as painless for yourself as possible. It's not your stepson's fault if his mom is a piece of work.
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 2:32 PM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
I favorited all the comments that said you should facilitate the future relationship between your son and his brother. Forget the present relationship with the other mother. Focus on the future sibling relationship between your son and his brother. Your son should be able to rely on you to be forward-thinking about paving the way for his relationship with his brother. Soon enough, your son will be on social media and will be capable of finding out about and contacting his brother. Think ahead to that, and make it as painless as possible for your son.
I didn't grow up with or know about my three half-siblings and am now trying to build relationships with them as we are all adults. It's really difficult to try to build sibling relationships as an adult. I wish I'd known them earlier, instead of starting from scratch in my 40s.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 5:26 AM on December 11, 2018
I didn't grow up with or know about my three half-siblings and am now trying to build relationships with them as we are all adults. It's really difficult to try to build sibling relationships as an adult. I wish I'd known them earlier, instead of starting from scratch in my 40s.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 5:26 AM on December 11, 2018
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posted by fluttering hellfire at 1:11 PM on December 7, 2018 [4 favorites]