Second time unlucky? Sucky? Whatever.
December 2, 2018 12:49 PM Subscribe
Have you introduced a (casual) dating partner to a friend? Have you had the former start dating the latter with an almost-overlap? And get serious, quickly? Have you had this happen to you TWICE? Is there ANY way to not take this personally?
Sucky snowflakes below.
A guy once asked me out in grad school. I liked him very, very much. I introduced him to my (then) close friend after a couple of weeks. They hit it off, and both of them dropped me pretty publicly in a couple of months. It was hideous - I had not made too many other friends, so it was incredibly lonely, and I smarted at the pity from the folks who knew and the ones who didn't and innocently enquired about either of them. Soul-shriveling.
Somehow, six years later it happened again. This time it was a more casual dating partner, and I wasn't as blindsided, but the female friend did a slow fade that was rather...impressive, actually. Unfortunately, we have a big, big friend circle in common, and I just recently found out that they're getting married. I was also asked about my plans to fly down for their wedding. Reader, obviously I wasn't invited.
My question is twofold, I guess.
(1) The wedding invite query will keep coming up and my soul is already a raisin (and really, really not handling the rerun well). How do I handle it like a mature adult?
(2) Is it normal to feel so wounded by this? It seems so unfair that I lost both partner and friend, through an introduction, of all things. And taking this personally is doing ugly, ugly things to my self-esteem. I'm single, which perhaps doesn't help, either.
Welp. Help.
A guy once asked me out in grad school. I liked him very, very much. I introduced him to my (then) close friend after a couple of weeks. They hit it off, and both of them dropped me pretty publicly in a couple of months. It was hideous - I had not made too many other friends, so it was incredibly lonely, and I smarted at the pity from the folks who knew and the ones who didn't and innocently enquired about either of them. Soul-shriveling.
Somehow, six years later it happened again. This time it was a more casual dating partner, and I wasn't as blindsided, but the female friend did a slow fade that was rather...impressive, actually. Unfortunately, we have a big, big friend circle in common, and I just recently found out that they're getting married. I was also asked about my plans to fly down for their wedding. Reader, obviously I wasn't invited.
My question is twofold, I guess.
(1) The wedding invite query will keep coming up and my soul is already a raisin (and really, really not handling the rerun well). How do I handle it like a mature adult?
(2) Is it normal to feel so wounded by this? It seems so unfair that I lost both partner and friend, through an introduction, of all things. And taking this personally is doing ugly, ugly things to my self-esteem. I'm single, which perhaps doesn't help, either.
Welp. Help.
Years ago, I fell hard for a man where the timing just didn’t work. He was about to leave town on an extended six-week or so trip. We lived about an hour and a half apart. But we had a great relationship over the few months we knew each other. We communicated really well, and we had plans to spend more time together when he got back from his trip and maybe we could be in the same place.
He got back from the trip and told me he had fallen deeply in love with someone who was also on the trip, and he was going to move to her state. He said his relationship with me made that relationship possible, because he had never communicated with a partner before the way he and I communicated, and he brought that into his relationship with her.
A few months later they were engaged. About a year after I met him, they were married. I was still getting over him, and they were married.
I told my mom what he said about how my relationship with him had made that relationship possible. This was heartbreaking to me. My mom said, rather, that it was a beautiful compliment to me.
This guy is still married to his wife after 20 years. I haven’t seen him in years and we’re not really in touch beyond social media, but they seem to have a rich and healthy marriage with lots of intertwined interests. He’s also a pastor, while I’m an atheist. I would have loved more time with him, but a relationship wouldn’t have worked for us in the longer term. And I learned a lot from him, too.
Yes, it’s totally normal to be hurt by this. Especially if this wasn’t communicated to you respectfully. But even if it was. Rejection hurts, even from a casual partner, and especially from a friend.
In the bigger picture:
These were casual partners, and it sounds like you introduced two different sets of people who really hit it off. What a gift you gave to those people. You helped them find happiness with each other.
As for the wedding: yeah, those questions will sting a bit. Just hold your head up high and act classy. No, you’re not going. You hope they have a great time!
Good luck.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:14 PM on December 2, 2018 [61 favorites]
He got back from the trip and told me he had fallen deeply in love with someone who was also on the trip, and he was going to move to her state. He said his relationship with me made that relationship possible, because he had never communicated with a partner before the way he and I communicated, and he brought that into his relationship with her.
A few months later they were engaged. About a year after I met him, they were married. I was still getting over him, and they were married.
I told my mom what he said about how my relationship with him had made that relationship possible. This was heartbreaking to me. My mom said, rather, that it was a beautiful compliment to me.
This guy is still married to his wife after 20 years. I haven’t seen him in years and we’re not really in touch beyond social media, but they seem to have a rich and healthy marriage with lots of intertwined interests. He’s also a pastor, while I’m an atheist. I would have loved more time with him, but a relationship wouldn’t have worked for us in the longer term. And I learned a lot from him, too.
Yes, it’s totally normal to be hurt by this. Especially if this wasn’t communicated to you respectfully. But even if it was. Rejection hurts, even from a casual partner, and especially from a friend.
In the bigger picture:
These were casual partners, and it sounds like you introduced two different sets of people who really hit it off. What a gift you gave to those people. You helped them find happiness with each other.
As for the wedding: yeah, those questions will sting a bit. Just hold your head up high and act classy. No, you’re not going. You hope they have a great time!
Good luck.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:14 PM on December 2, 2018 [61 favorites]
Totally normal to feel wounded. Totally not your fault. I understand that it feels personal but it’s not actually personal and this is not something that has happened to you alone. I suspect you’ll just have to feel shitty about it until you don’t. It’s pretty obvious that those people were not good matches with you because they left.
I am so sorry this happened to you. I know it is super painful. You don’t have to share that pain with other people or you can share it. You can come up with silly responses, such as you can’t go to the wedding because you’re going to be at spy school, or a serious response that you don’t want to talk about it. There is no one right way or wrong way to deal with the pain you feel and that anyone would feel.
I don’t know if you remember that Jerry Seinfeld got his wife by meeting her at a gym after she was married and rather recently at that. We don’t have any control over other people’s behavior. All we can do is either stay stuck where we are or feel our feelings and then move on whatever way seems to work best for us. There is no shortcut past the feelings. You have to feel them either way. But you don’t have to beat yourself up as a part of that process.
There is nothing wrong with you. You’ve had shitty luck for sure but even that is not unique. Which I understand is not a comfort at the moment. But you have not done anything wrong, and feeling bad about is totally normal. You have reasons to feel bad but you have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about.
It’s totally OK to be angry, by the way, if you are. Feel all your feels. Be nice to yourself. And if you can spend time with others who are nice to you and who treat you well. You are not doomed to be betrayed forever by people you care about. I promise.
I am very sorry this happened to you. I hope you can be kind and gentle with yourself and treat yourself as kindly, lovingly, and patiently as you would treat someone else you loved deeply. You did not deserve this. Hang in there!
posted by Bella Donna at 1:18 PM on December 2, 2018 [8 favorites]
I am so sorry this happened to you. I know it is super painful. You don’t have to share that pain with other people or you can share it. You can come up with silly responses, such as you can’t go to the wedding because you’re going to be at spy school, or a serious response that you don’t want to talk about it. There is no one right way or wrong way to deal with the pain you feel and that anyone would feel.
I don’t know if you remember that Jerry Seinfeld got his wife by meeting her at a gym after she was married and rather recently at that. We don’t have any control over other people’s behavior. All we can do is either stay stuck where we are or feel our feelings and then move on whatever way seems to work best for us. There is no shortcut past the feelings. You have to feel them either way. But you don’t have to beat yourself up as a part of that process.
There is nothing wrong with you. You’ve had shitty luck for sure but even that is not unique. Which I understand is not a comfort at the moment. But you have not done anything wrong, and feeling bad about is totally normal. You have reasons to feel bad but you have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about.
It’s totally OK to be angry, by the way, if you are. Feel all your feels. Be nice to yourself. And if you can spend time with others who are nice to you and who treat you well. You are not doomed to be betrayed forever by people you care about. I promise.
I am very sorry this happened to you. I hope you can be kind and gentle with yourself and treat yourself as kindly, lovingly, and patiently as you would treat someone else you loved deeply. You did not deserve this. Hang in there!
posted by Bella Donna at 1:18 PM on December 2, 2018 [8 favorites]
I think other people will have better advice about how to handle this with grace but I just wanted to say you're totally justified in feeling crappy about this (I chuckled at "my soul is already a raisin").
Honestly the problem is not that these couples started dating each other, that stuff happens, it's that your friends somehow decided that they needed to ditch you as part of the bargain, which is awkward and unkind. I guess the best way to respond is with class, but I wouldn't necessarily feel the need hide that I wasn't invited to the wedding from your other (close) friends.
posted by loquacious crouton at 1:19 PM on December 2, 2018 [27 favorites]
Honestly the problem is not that these couples started dating each other, that stuff happens, it's that your friends somehow decided that they needed to ditch you as part of the bargain, which is awkward and unkind. I guess the best way to respond is with class, but I wouldn't necessarily feel the need hide that I wasn't invited to the wedding from your other (close) friends.
posted by loquacious crouton at 1:19 PM on December 2, 2018 [27 favorites]
“Yes! I just recently heard about this and I’m very happy for them. I was dating Brad when I introduced them 2 yrs ago, and now I know why I haven’t heard from either of them since. I wish they had been honest back then, but I still wish them the best.”
I would approach it differently. This sounds passive aggressive to me: pretending to be cheerful but really being critical and casting aspersions. I would be honest with good friends who are supportive, if you need support. But with more casual acquaintances, I feel like this sort of comment seems negative and petty and reflects on you as much as on them. Pretend to be pleasant about the whole thing or else you might perpetuate your stew of negativity.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:20 PM on December 2, 2018 [24 favorites]
I would approach it differently. This sounds passive aggressive to me: pretending to be cheerful but really being critical and casting aspersions. I would be honest with good friends who are supportive, if you need support. But with more casual acquaintances, I feel like this sort of comment seems negative and petty and reflects on you as much as on them. Pretend to be pleasant about the whole thing or else you might perpetuate your stew of negativity.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:20 PM on December 2, 2018 [24 favorites]
It's of course normal to feel wounded. Also, two occurrences is not a "pattern" -- even though the dark parts of your brain and heart will tell you this.
You are totally deserving of love and these events have nothing to do with you and your capacity to be in a loving relationship.
posted by pantarei70 at 1:22 PM on December 2, 2018 [6 favorites]
You are totally deserving of love and these events have nothing to do with you and your capacity to be in a loving relationship.
posted by pantarei70 at 1:22 PM on December 2, 2018 [6 favorites]
Aw dear, this sucks. I get sad about not getting wedding invites from friends, but most of the time it's just that we weren't as close as I thought and I just have to get over it. (Silver lining: I get to keep my $50.)
I agree with others that two incidents 6 years apart doesn't strike me as a pattern. I know it hurts now having learned this, and it's hard for you to not make the connection, because emotionally it's so familiar. As to the invite inquiry, I would go with an answer along the lines of: "Oh geez, I haven't spoken with Soandso in so long, I can't see why I would get an invite. I'm glad to hear she's doing well, though!"
Focus on the fact that you dodged a bullet by not being so emotionally involved with the second guy, and be glad that they've found their people, as hard as it is to do at first.
posted by ancient star at 1:59 PM on December 2, 2018 [4 favorites]
I agree with others that two incidents 6 years apart doesn't strike me as a pattern. I know it hurts now having learned this, and it's hard for you to not make the connection, because emotionally it's so familiar. As to the invite inquiry, I would go with an answer along the lines of: "Oh geez, I haven't spoken with Soandso in so long, I can't see why I would get an invite. I'm glad to hear she's doing well, though!"
Focus on the fact that you dodged a bullet by not being so emotionally involved with the second guy, and be glad that they've found their people, as hard as it is to do at first.
posted by ancient star at 1:59 PM on December 2, 2018 [4 favorites]
Best answer: A raisin is concentrated sweetness after the unnecessary water wight is lost.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 2:10 PM on December 2, 2018 [82 favorites]
posted by a humble nudibranch at 2:10 PM on December 2, 2018 [82 favorites]
Neither of those guys were yours, even if your feelings were strong, otherwise the story would be different.
One day you might not know it but this will be you. And someone else will be going “dang s/he ghosted me!”
posted by St. Peepsburg at 2:17 PM on December 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
One day you might not know it but this will be you. And someone else will be going “dang s/he ghosted me!”
posted by St. Peepsburg at 2:17 PM on December 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
RE the wedding travel questions: I'd just say, "I wasn't invited." That should end the conversation.
posted by metasarah at 3:02 PM on December 2, 2018 [11 favorites]
posted by metasarah at 3:02 PM on December 2, 2018 [11 favorites]
A slightly softer way to address the wedding questions- “yikes, yeah I heard about that. I wasn’t invited, but Jay and I dated for a while, and I wish them well. It’s still always a little weird to see an ex get married!”
posted by samthemander at 3:20 PM on December 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by samthemander at 3:20 PM on December 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
I wouldn’t call it petty, but it is firmly not in the school of “hiding” the truth to save other people’s feelings.
Also to save your own! The problem with these softer versions is that the person or people asking about this probably don't know what happened, if they're asking, and if you just go "oh we've not kept in touch so I didn't get invited but I hope they're well" then you're not actually forestalling the same thing getting brought up repeatedly in future. You don't need to say this kind of thing to literally everybody you know, but if somebody brings this up, you're allowed to bring up that you and A split up and that B was your friend and so you're not actually interested in hearing more about this, in as nice a way as you can communicate what actually happened.
You don't have to pretend to be totally fine about it. People are rarely completely fine about their exes getting married. Their exes getting married to people they were also close to at the time? It shouldn't ruin your life, but anybody decent in your social circle will understand that this stings and you really do not need to be kept up-to-date about the wedding or the rest of their lives in future. There is a level of polite where you wind up making it overly difficult for others to be considerate, and IMO, this is it. This isn't really about the two people who are getting married, it's not like you're telling some horrible secret. You're allowed to communicate that you don't feel great about this so that your friends can behave accordingly.
posted by Sequence at 3:58 PM on December 2, 2018 [4 favorites]
Also to save your own! The problem with these softer versions is that the person or people asking about this probably don't know what happened, if they're asking, and if you just go "oh we've not kept in touch so I didn't get invited but I hope they're well" then you're not actually forestalling the same thing getting brought up repeatedly in future. You don't need to say this kind of thing to literally everybody you know, but if somebody brings this up, you're allowed to bring up that you and A split up and that B was your friend and so you're not actually interested in hearing more about this, in as nice a way as you can communicate what actually happened.
You don't have to pretend to be totally fine about it. People are rarely completely fine about their exes getting married. Their exes getting married to people they were also close to at the time? It shouldn't ruin your life, but anybody decent in your social circle will understand that this stings and you really do not need to be kept up-to-date about the wedding or the rest of their lives in future. There is a level of polite where you wind up making it overly difficult for others to be considerate, and IMO, this is it. This isn't really about the two people who are getting married, it's not like you're telling some horrible secret. You're allowed to communicate that you don't feel great about this so that your friends can behave accordingly.
posted by Sequence at 3:58 PM on December 2, 2018 [4 favorites]
Honestly, I’m a fan of the truth. And if that doesn’t cover the subjects in glory, frankly, that’s on them. “Well, Brad and I were a couple when he met my friend Bertha and decided she was a better fit, so I’m sure you can understand why I’m not first on their guest list. How’s that sporting team?” No opinions, no snark, just the truth. The fact that they ended up getting married doesn’t make it a less shitty thing to do.
posted by Jubey at 5:48 PM on December 2, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 5:48 PM on December 2, 2018 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you. I'm trying to be as dispassionate about the situation and as happy for these people, as I can. I know it's not a pattern. I'm not sure how clearly it came through in the question, but it's the dropping of friendship that hurt me much more than losing a non-serious dating partner. Both times with no explanation, leaving me to fend off queries awkwardly. When it happened the second time all the memories came rushing back and it was unpleasant, to put it mildly.
a humble nudibranch, THANK YOU. That made me laugh and helped me think of myself a little differently.
posted by Nieshka at 7:31 PM on December 2, 2018
a humble nudibranch, THANK YOU. That made me laugh and helped me think of myself a little differently.
posted by Nieshka at 7:31 PM on December 2, 2018
Oh, yeah, one of my exes is engaged to a friend I introduced him to (while we were dating), and another one of my exes is two-months married to a friend of mine... but the two of them already knew each other when I met him.
For a while my internal monologue was "If you want to meet your soulmate, date me for a couple months then pick from my friends list on Facebook!"
Really, though, it's just bad luck.
Don't work so hard on being dispassionate. I'm a huge fan of feeling my feelings, and (when it feel safe), sticking my head under the surface to get to the root of why I feel particular ways. Our brains are really good at solving problems when we can express them in simple enough terms. Hold space for yourself to mourn friendships-past and it'll give you more energy to invest in friendships-present and friendships-yet-to-come.
posted by itesser at 11:32 PM on December 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
For a while my internal monologue was "If you want to meet your soulmate, date me for a couple months then pick from my friends list on Facebook!"
Really, though, it's just bad luck.
Don't work so hard on being dispassionate. I'm a huge fan of feeling my feelings, and (when it feel safe), sticking my head under the surface to get to the root of why I feel particular ways. Our brains are really good at solving problems when we can express them in simple enough terms. Hold space for yourself to mourn friendships-past and it'll give you more energy to invest in friendships-present and friendships-yet-to-come.
posted by itesser at 11:32 PM on December 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
Best answer: As I read your question, and considered it, I really don't see that you've any problem here. Jangly, yes, confusing, yes, especially there at the first, when the facts began to rain down on you, cold rain, or even come down as hail, some the size of a pullet egg, maybe bonked you on your head, which isn't fun, not one little bit, not at all.
But! You're clearly doing something very well, in that your life is perfectly aligned in such a way that you have had four (Four! You really are rockin'!) you have had four vile, disgusting, odious, cowardly, classless wretches removed from your life like magic.
I know you're hurting. I wish you weren't but I know you are. Try to balance out that hurt by holding tight to the knowledge that there is a part of you that keeps dolts away, and protects yourself.
You've had to walk through this jive to get to being that sweet raisin.
You've done nothing wrong. Maybe choosing bad friends who don't have the jam to tell you straight-up what is up. But I bet you won't choose them again.
Have a nice sandwich. Watch a movie you love. Know that you're being protected from hanging around with jerks, some piece of your personality is protecting you. Make a smoothie, a real good one, blue-berries, avocado, beets, oats, quinoa, lots of greens, too (damnit, now I want one but it's too damned early to be running a damned blender chopping up ice etc and etc.)
You seem a fine person. I hope you find peace behind this stuff -- you deserve it.
Good luck.
posted by dancestoblue at 3:39 AM on December 3, 2018 [3 favorites]
But! You're clearly doing something very well, in that your life is perfectly aligned in such a way that you have had four (Four! You really are rockin'!) you have had four vile, disgusting, odious, cowardly, classless wretches removed from your life like magic.
I know you're hurting. I wish you weren't but I know you are. Try to balance out that hurt by holding tight to the knowledge that there is a part of you that keeps dolts away, and protects yourself.
You've had to walk through this jive to get to being that sweet raisin.
You've done nothing wrong. Maybe choosing bad friends who don't have the jam to tell you straight-up what is up. But I bet you won't choose them again.
Have a nice sandwich. Watch a movie you love. Know that you're being protected from hanging around with jerks, some piece of your personality is protecting you. Make a smoothie, a real good one, blue-berries, avocado, beets, oats, quinoa, lots of greens, too (damnit, now I want one but it's too damned early to be running a damned blender chopping up ice etc and etc.)
You seem a fine person. I hope you find peace behind this stuff -- you deserve it.
Good luck.
posted by dancestoblue at 3:39 AM on December 3, 2018 [3 favorites]
In some non-romantic but similar situations, I have taken weird comfort from this bittersweet poem by David Rakoff from This American Life.
posted by nicebookrack at 7:48 AM on December 6, 2018
posted by nicebookrack at 7:48 AM on December 6, 2018
it's the dropping of friendship that hurt me much more than losing a non-serious dating partner
While this is very painful, it may help to keep in mind that some people drop large numbers of their friends when they get coupled up. I've actually seen an advice book -- it was on the shelf of two friends I was housesitting for while they were off getting married -- that recommended a married couple have only other married couples as friends.
Personally I think it's a terrible way to relate to others, but it's not uncommon. It feels very personal to be treated in such a disposable way by a friend, but you are probably neither the first or the last friend they have dropped all of a sudden.
posted by yohko at 1:27 PM on December 7, 2018
While this is very painful, it may help to keep in mind that some people drop large numbers of their friends when they get coupled up. I've actually seen an advice book -- it was on the shelf of two friends I was housesitting for while they were off getting married -- that recommended a married couple have only other married couples as friends.
Personally I think it's a terrible way to relate to others, but it's not uncommon. It feels very personal to be treated in such a disposable way by a friend, but you are probably neither the first or the last friend they have dropped all of a sudden.
posted by yohko at 1:27 PM on December 7, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
“Yes! I just recently heard about this and I’m very happy for them. I was dating Brad when I introduced them 2 yrs ago, and now I know why I haven’t heard from either of them since. I wish they had been honest back then, but I still wish them the best.”
posted by jbenben at 1:12 PM on December 2, 2018 [23 favorites]