I just want things to not be weird
December 1, 2018 2:38 PM   Subscribe

So, I am a 30-something trans guy living in a mid-size city in the South. Pre any kind of medical transition, out to a couple good friends and family members and the folks in a trans support group, have an appointment at a trans health clinic in a couple months, planning to transition during the next year. I am struggling with how to handle it professionally, and looking for advice from anyone who may have insight about any of the topics I'm concerned about--trans people, what has and has not worked for you, cis people, what have you observed that did or didn't work out smoothly for someone in your community, etc.

Lots of snowflakes:
--I am an attorney and sole practitioner. The people I deal with for work regularly include clients, other attorneys who do what I do (criminal defense), prosecutors, judges, court staff, police officers, witnesses, etc. My clients are generally not very educated but I'm more worried about the reactions of other professionals, to be honest.
--If this kills my business or becomes unlivable, I'm just going to move. I've been considering moving anyway to the northern city my brother lives in. Probably it's more likely that people here will make it weird than be threatening and very hostile. There are some people I know who I expect would be supportive, too, like my cis friend I used to work with who has his pronouns on his business card.
--If there are any trans people in my professional community, they are totally stealth, so I haven't been able to observe how anyone else handled a gender transition. (I HAVE had trans clients, and in my observation, the vast majority of people do not make an effort to even call trans defendants by the correct name and pronouns even if otherwise being respectful, and not unusual for people to talk about their trans-ness like "haha funny client story dude dressed like a woman.")
--Relatedly, as liberal as I am, I am not really the activist type and I don't want to "educate" people. Google is readily available to anyone who wants to educate themselves. However, I would like handle this in a way that leaves a positive impression of real-life experience with a trans person, so it is important to me what message I am sending.
--Since I don't work in an office, I can't just send out a mass email saying, "hey, my name is now X, please use male pronouns." The info is going to spread either through gossip or my constant coming out. Any advice on what to say, how to handle this?
--I am especially worried about clothes, and the transition to more masculine clothes. Going to court is business formal so men wear the male uniform--suit, tie, button down shirt. Women can wear a (women's) suit and can get away with less formal attire too. Something I have taken advantage of in the summer because it is HOT and hot weather makes me intensely uncomfortable. Right now I tend to wear dresses because (1) they are "socially acceptable" for my (fat, curvy) body type and that "makes my life easier" (or so I thought) and (2) it is cheaper than taking care of nice suits. I would feel super awkward going straight from this to showing up in a men's suit and tie one day. We're not at the level where "women can't wear pantsuits to court," but no attorneys dress androgynously. I was thinking I could try to dress androgynously until my physical appearance starts changing and by then, it will not come off like "why is she cross dressing?" when I show up in a suit.
--I also can't afford to drop tons of money on clothes while everything is evolving and my body is changing.
--Right now, I think I look ok in something like men's trousers, oxford shoes, button down shirt, and sweater vest. I have not tried it in court though. Assuming I still look female-bodied this summer, I'm more concerned about what to wear when it gets hot again.
--Oh and...bathrooms. Thank God there are some single-person bathrooms in the courthouse, though they are still labeled "male/female" at least I can avoid having anyone confront me while I'm literally trying to pee.

I wish this could just not be A Thing. I am not a person who likes having attention on them, at all. Just hate that other people are probably going to make it A Thing when all I want is for people to treat me normally and do their best to call me by my correct name and pronouns. Which...should not be a big ask, but apparently the world thinks differently.
posted by anonymous to Work & Money (7 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
 
Natural materials are a lot more comfortable for me than artificial materials. They breathe. Linen is the fabric for summer. I don't know the minutiae of suits-for-courthouses, but it looks like there exist formal linen men's suits.
posted by aniola at 3:21 PM on December 1, 2018


I practiced law for many years in a mid-size southern city, (Bham AL) including some criminal defense work, and much of my work is still "from" there even though I now live elsewhere. What I am about to suggest is just a suggestion, based on my experience with how such legal communities work. If I were in your shoes with my personality (which is obviously not necessarily like yours) I would be proactive and direct at the beginning of the process. I think that most other lawyers and judges would appreciate the courage and directness even if they find it befuddling. I would think of (a) going to talk to the nicest Circuit Judge and telling them the situation, asking for their advice as to how to give the other judges a heads-up, and (b) posting something to the local bar, or criminal defense bar, group chat or listserv if there is such a thing. I am not saying those things would be easy - I am sure they would be hard for anyone. Some lawyers and judges will be weird about it. But you sound brave AF.
posted by sheldman at 3:21 PM on December 1, 2018 [6 favorites]


Maybe I can say something useful about a few of these things. You are welcome to me-mail me if you want.
  • As a general rule, people do better when given explicit instructions. "Call me X and use [pronouns]". Don't actually say the word 'pronoun'--people don't know what it means.
  • People are often timid about changing name/pronouns rather than actively resisting. No one else is doing it, they feel weird being the only one, so then they don't and you get stuck asking endlessly. If there is anyone at the courthouse (probably bonus points if it's a judge) who you can say "No, really, stick your neck out for me and just do it," it'll go a long way.
  • Even though you work alone, you can still mass email people, at least the ones whose email addresses you have.
  • I did come out via the gossip mill (in an academic setting). It was a lot less efficient than you'd think and there were people who years later hadn't gotten the memo. The ones I interacted with regularly did, but not people I only worked with occasionally. (I had already changed names, which I'm sure was a factor.) The lesson here is perhaps that your transition is less juicy gossip than you might expect. (Or they gossiped but the lack of explicit instruction meant people were just confused?)
  • My instinct is to tell you to go the route of picking a date for "officially transitioning at work" and put word round at the courthouse in advance. The people I've known who've gone for that option have tended to be people with somewhat similar work situation--clients (via a mass email) and/or where their name is public in a way that makes it easier for people to switch names en masse.
  • Bathrooms suck. More or less the only good news is that cis people generally don't hang around waiting to use single user bathrooms--if it's occupied, most people will just go to a multi-user, so you will almost always get in and out without seeing anyone.

posted by hoyland at 3:31 PM on December 1, 2018 [6 favorites]


Is this a topic that has come up at your trans support group? It could be worth getting folks' read there.

I'll also say that this sorta thing is something I discussed a lot with my (trans) therapist who focuses on working with trans clients. Are you seeing an individual therapist? Especially if they specialize at working with trans folks, they've likely walked multiple folks through it.

I'm a trans woman working in political marketing in the bay area ... so probably some differences in our experiences! But in case it's helpful, here's the script I used to "come out" to clients:

To avoid any confusion, I wanted to let you know that -- as part of my gender transition to [gender] -- I've recently changed my name to [new name] (including the "from name" in my email), and my pronouns are now [pronouns]. Feel free to let me know if any questions there, and thanks!

Folks in my industry are at least familiar with trans folks, so could be worth elaborating a bit for you (maybe adding a trans 101 link) -- but maybe a helpful place to start.

Wishing you the best in your transition, and feel free to PM if you'd like!
posted by kylej at 3:35 PM on December 1, 2018 [1 favorite]


I did come out via the gossip mill (in an academic setting). It was a lot less efficient than you'd think and there were people who years later hadn't gotten the memo.

This was my experience too — and I think people are also reluctant to act on information they got through the rumor mill, so even if someone does tell them you're transitioning, and even if they believe it, they still might decide they're not confident enough to go to the length of calling you "he" in public based on that rumor. Having a direct "please call me this name, please call me 'he'" message from you will go a lot farther towards making people confident enough to act. (And some, in my experience, still just won't. But if you can make those people the outliers, they will suck it up eventually.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 4:21 PM on December 1, 2018 [1 favorite]


You could reach out to Ames Simmons at Equality NC. He does legal counsel and used to practice in Atlanta and probably has some all around tips/ideas
Best wishes!
posted by raccoon409 at 5:01 PM on December 1, 2018 [1 favorite]


For a solo practitioner lawyer, business cards? You’re in one of the only professions where handing someone a business card is a normal thing that happens a lot — I think you might be able to help people handle the transition by getting assertive about passing out cards.

What I’m picturing is someone gives you a weird look or bobbles your name/pronouns, and you give them a bright smile and a “let me give you my card with my correct information.” You’ve got a natural bit of business to get through the moment with, and they have something to hang onto for reference.

And maybe even when no one’s awkward yet — go for your cards early when you meet people on new cases. It’s not totally ordinary, but some people do it like that, and it’ll give them guidance. Even if they have some vague awareness that you used to go by [women’s name], having a card with Mr. [man’s name], Esq. on it should keep them from going wrong.
posted by LizardBreath at 5:13 AM on December 2, 2018 [4 favorites]


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