new boss blues
November 26, 2018 10:23 AM   Subscribe

I've gotten off on the wrong foot with my new boss. Details of the situation below. In such a situation would you stick around and try to make the best of it? And if so how? Or are these signs that I should be dusting off my resume and starting looking for a new job?

I think my boss is struggling to get settled into his new role in our organisation. I have worked here now for 2 years. It's a confusing and labyrinthine place to work, but I very much have a 'place' here, have good relationships in place, know what I'm meant to be doing, have developed processes etc. I am a young POC, one of the few in my org. I am not a star, but I am good at what I do and have always received excellent feedback.

I feel that my new boss and I are not communicating clearly with each other. He often does not understand my emails and will respond to me in a somewhat belligerent 'tone' while the content of his response shows that he has not understood what I am saying. Equally often, he does not read my emails. There is a straightforward answer to this which is speak to him instead of email him, but that's not always logistically possible. Also on the communication issue, he seems to have developed a habit (in the short time he's been here) of criticising me for things I could have had no idea he wanted me to do. He has said things like "You should have known this already; I shouldn't have to tell you." But the job he wanted me to do is not something that is usually done in our organisation and his predecessor never required it of me. So there's no way I would have known it was required of me unless it was explicitly communicated to me - it's not super-obvious. He also forgets I've done things and will send me emails asking why I haven't done a piece of work which I actually have already done and have told him about.

He has also pushed back in quite a strident and aggressive way at my routine of working from home once a month. As I've said in previous questions I have a very long commute (3 hours a day) and my working from home routine was agreed with previous management after I explained that it was impacting my mental and physical health. But once new boss entered the picture, the work from home routine became a thing of the past. He essentially accused me of wanting to have a day at home to slack off.

Most worryingly he seems to be sowing seeds of rivalry between me and my colleagues. He recently told me "Colleague A recently did X piece of work; you should have too but didn't. I want you to do X piece of work in future without my needing to tell you." I came out of the meeting and asked Colleague A if I could look at X piece of work to get a better idea of what boss wanted; Colleague A had not done it. X piece of work did not exist.

I fear new boss has taken a dislike to me. I love my job (other than new boss) and don't want to leave! Is it just going to get worse or is this just the initial bumpy transition - and if so what can I do to smoothe his transition? I wonder if I should just try and become his new best friend and try to anticipate all his needs in the hope that this will make him like me.
posted by Ziggy500 to Work & Money (14 answers total)
 
the only time this happened to me it ended badly, and I wished very much that I had heeded the signs earlier and left on my own terms. To me it sounds like this guy has decided you're a liability to him and is determined to prove it somehow; he also sounds either not-grounded-in-reality, or like a straight up liar, which isn't something you're going to solve.

Maybe other people will have more optimistic stories to tell you. Mine is just one data point.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:52 AM on November 26, 2018 [7 favorites]


There are so many red flags here. This is creating a toxic work environment for you. It doesn't really matter if it's because he doesn't like you in particular, is insecure about his new role, or just has an abrasive management style. I would start looking for another job immediately (I'm sorry, I know that's a tough thing to do when you've got nicely settled into a role).

There is an off-chance he will settle down, or you could try bringing this up with the next tier of boss up from him to mediate and establish protocols. However, if he is well-liked by the high-ups this could backfire in the extreme.

In the meantime document EVERYTHING that is happening. Also mail him after in-person conversations to confirm his directives. ("Dear [boss], per our conversation today, you would like me to [x] and have it completed by [timeframe]. If this is incorrect, or you have anything to add, please let me know.") This will be invaluable material should he try to get you fired for cause or discipline you in other ways.
posted by ananci at 11:16 AM on November 26, 2018 [12 favorites]


Someone close to me has been experiencing something similar (long time in role, very successful, undermining/micromanaging new boss who has conflicting expectations and fails to communicate clearly). I'm afraid this will not get better. Please leave on your own terms before your reputation takes a hit through no fault of your own.
posted by matildaben at 11:16 AM on November 26, 2018 [3 favorites]


I doubt you're the only one having problems with this guy. He probably skims and misunderstands everyone's emails and gets annoyed at everyone for not doing things he failed to let them know he expected. My guess is that he will rapidly become hated by most of the people he supervises. If you're lucky, his managerial failings will become evident to his supervisor and they'll get rid of him, but I wouldn't count on it.

I would stop thinking of this as a problem you might have caused by somehow doing something to get off on the wrong foot, or one that you could potentially fix by being more likeable or anticipating his needs better. Flat-out lying to you about what work a colleague has been doing shows you that he's not only a bad boss but a bad person. Someone like that doesn't just act badly to the occasional person who gets off on the wrong foot with him; they act badly all the time because it's the way they operate.

I wouldn't bend over backwards to try to make him like you or to anticipate his needs. If he has an unreasonable complaint, calmly explain why it's unreasonable and don't apologize. Most importantly, try not to let him screw things up between you and your co-workers. Do what you can to make sure everyone knows about the "Colleague A did X piece of work" lie so other people know to be skeptical if they hear something similar. The more you can all talk to and support each other, the easier it will be to cope with having such a crappy boss.

And, yeah, dusting off that resume might not be a bad idea. If you love everything else about your job it's probably worth hanging in there for a while to see if things improve, but this guy doesn't sound like he's just having a bumpy transition.
posted by Redstart at 11:28 AM on November 26, 2018 [11 favorites]


You sound like a wonderful employee and this guy sounds like a total douche. I know jobs don't exactly grow on the jobs tree but I would look for something else. He is setting you up to fail, possibly because he is understandably threatened by you, someone vastly more competent than him-- and it's tough to survive that no matter how much bending you do.

Only caveat-- try to see how other people feel about him. If other people see problems with his leadership style or seem reticent to comment on his transition into his new role-- well, then maybe you can outlive him.
posted by coffeeand at 11:34 AM on November 26, 2018 [4 favorites]


He recently told me "Colleague A recently did X piece of work; you should have too but didn't. I want you to do X piece of work in future without my needing to tell you." I came out of the meeting and asked Colleague A if I could look at X piece of work to get a better idea of what boss wanted; Colleague A had not done it. X piece of work did not exist.

This was the point at which, based on personal experience, I thought "Nope, you need to get out of there." When your supervisor is out-and-out lying to you, it's not going to get better.

In my case, by the time I left the job (was "offered the opportunity to submit my resignation", which I would not do now, knowing what I know about unemployment, disability accommodations, and more) I'd spent every work morning for a year waking up with nausea and dry heaves, to the point that I broke a capillary under one eye from retching and had a visual reminder of the Job From Hell for about two years as it slowly reabsorbed. The day after I submitted my resignation, I woke up without nausea and it never happened again. Not a coincidence...
posted by Lexica at 11:54 AM on November 26, 2018 [11 favorites]


Before you jump ship, you should really be leveraging any relationships you have with his peers or superiors to get a sense of how he is perceived by those groups. Don't be blunt about it, but he could easily be struggling all around. Think about how you can figure that out. Also, to see if there are any possibilities of a lateral move inside the company to work with someone who respects you.
posted by He Is Only The Imposter at 11:59 AM on November 26, 2018 [17 favorites]


Sorry, but I would suspect that the fact that you're a POC is strongly at issue for the new boss (Boss). If the Boss was having this issue more broadly, he wouldn't be bringing up that co-worker did X to try to shame/put down the OP; he's probably be talking down about everyone who isn't himself or above Boss on the org chart. Are you seeing Boss having problems with anyone else, or just with you? If just with you, how many other POC does your boss have report to him?

I agree that things don't look like they're going to end well. "best" but painful thing is going to be document and see a lawyer to find out what might cross lines. Note that this may involve paying a lawyer (which from your previous asks doesn't seem is in good supply), or likely having to file suit and being represented on a contingency basis. This will be time and life disrupting, but might work out better in the medium to long term.

It's possible, that mentioning suspicion or racism from your manager might help get this righted, but HR's job is to protect the company. They might decide that the best thing is to protect you from the manager and prevent a law suit, or they might think they best thing to do is get rid of you quickly (with little time to build evidence of a pattern of discrimination/harrasment) and hope you don't/won't be able to sue.
posted by nobeagle at 12:39 PM on November 26, 2018 [9 favorites]


New Boss sounds like an asshole. Your post bends over backwards to be neutral. I would try less hard in some ways. Send an end-of-day email, every day, or at least at the same time every day: status of projects, unanswered questions, etc. questions stay on until resolved. Be super calm, very polite. Send minutes back after every meeting. As you stated, Employee X accomplished X task, and you want me to accomplish X task. Blind copy everything to an email account outside of work. Every email he sends, forward it out. Documentation means you don't just tell him verbally, you put stuff in writing. Make notes in the calendar portion of the outside email.

New Boss sounds like an asshole, and if so, he may asshole himself out of his job. Enable this outcome as gently as you can. Assholes like that tend to bully anybody they perceive as weak, so don't be too accommodating, as he will think it's weakness.

Get your resume in order. Copy anything you need. Make lists of accomplishments. It's always good to be ready to find a job, in this case it may be critical.

I once had a new boss who might have been crazy. She would ask for stuff, then be really rude when email was provided regarding that stuff. I eventually blind-copied her boss on an email exchange. New Boss left soon after, no idea if that contributed, or how much. Documentation is everything.
posted by theora55 at 12:55 PM on November 26, 2018 [7 favorites]


Document everything and start looking for a different place to work.
posted by turbid dahlia at 1:55 PM on November 26, 2018 [8 favorites]


It’s time to go. I imagine after writing all that down you know it too.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:03 PM on November 26, 2018


This situation reads as incredibly familiar to me. Unfortunately, it also sounds incredibly unlikely to resolve itself in a way you want on it's own and is likely to get worse. Better to recognize this sooner rather than later, and take steps to prepare yourself for a better future somewhere else.

The advice you have received from posters above is all excellent, and I encourage you to take the advice to heart.

It won't be easy or better in all ways, but with effort you should be able to find a job that is better in the ways that matter to you most. Best of luck!
posted by Goblin Barbarian at 9:35 AM on November 27, 2018


I have survived a shitty boss who eventually bossed themselves out of a job. (Not fired, because OH NO that never happens, but no-one was happy with him and he eventually moved on.) It's possible. Here's my advice.

Things that, in and of themselves, will probably not work as the subject of an official complaint lest you come off as "oversensitive" or entitled:

* The tone of his emails. The fact that he does not read his emails thoroughly. Him forgetting about work that you've already done and asking for it again. (Document the hell out of this, mind you, just don't bother complaining about it specifically unless he blows it up into an accusation that you haven't done your work thoroughly.)

* Feeling unfairly criticized by his "you should have known to do this non-obvious task" habit. It IS unfair and condescending. You're not crazy. But keep framing it as a "communication issue" and document how you adjust to his expectations.

* The prior arrangement to work from home and his insinuation that it's a slacker move. I hate to say it, but it's within the boss's sphere of authority to prefer employees to be physically present in the office and to be paternalistic about it. (Yes, this is some hypocritical bullshit because certain management-level folks take liberties all the damn time.) However, I fear that bringing up the effect on your mental and physical health is going to fit into a millennial stereotype that won't serve you well.

Most worryingly he seems to be sowing seeds of rivalry between me and my colleagues. He recently told me "Colleague A recently did X piece of work; you should have too but didn't. I want you to do X piece of work in future without my needing to tell you." I came out of the meeting and asked Colleague A if I could look at X piece of work to get a better idea of what boss wanted; Colleague A had not done it. X piece of work did not exist.

This is the thing that gives me hope that he'll talk himself out of "being a good fit," because he's going to try to pull a version of this nonsense with people closer to his pay grade.

Meanwhile:
Shore up your politically-advantageous connections to those above you in the hierarchy.

Be an exceptionally competent and kind coworker to your colleagues and take the high road, but look for the occasional small opportunity with your similar-level coworkers where you can politely indicate your frustration with the boss (without actually badmouthing him.) People like to see vulnerability and it will endear you to them, plus he's undoubtedly being an ass to someone else.

Give yourself some extra self-care, because this shit is draining. Vent to a friend, throw some axes, schedule a regular massage.
posted by desuetude at 2:03 PM on November 27, 2018 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: Thanks. This is an amazingly helpful thread. You're all best answers.
posted by Ziggy500 at 9:36 AM on November 28, 2018


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