Long distance relationship and how to close the distance?
November 26, 2018 8:49 AM Subscribe
Ended up in a LDR. Is it too late for me to let my heart lead the way, too risky?
We met seven months ago and even though we liked each other a lot we decided to keep things simple given that he lives in a neighbouring country and visits here every month for his job. We weren’t really considering anything more serious than hanging out for a couple of days when he is here. However, by the end of that month, I was at his place (a 7-hour drive from my home) for a weekend.
Three months in, we have spent a lot of time together, several long weekends and almost a full month during the summer, there have been some disagreements but we resolved them easily, communication is really good…
Seven months in – it seems much longer, no trust issues, communication is becoming better and better both online and when we are together. The distance, or rather how to close it, is actually the only thing that worries us at the moment. We do talk about it and there are several options we are considering, but there’s also an immense fear I feel.
The thing is, I come from Bosnia, I’m in my mid 40s, gay, and I work for the Government. I don’t love my job, but it is safe (no need to worry until retirement unless the country falls apart again) and, given the corruption and all the craziness in the system, if I leave it, there’s no way back.
On the other hand, no one would choose to live in Bosnia. The unemployment rate is huge, and overall, it’s not really a country where two gay people can expect to build a relatively nice life together. My boyfriend is from Croatia, he loves his city, he has a good job and him moving to Bosnia is something neither of us would want. My prospects for finding a job in Croatia are much better I guess, but for a certain period of time I would definitely be financially dependent on him. We are considering the option of me applying for a master’s degree in Croatia. That would give me the only legal basis I as a civil servant in Bosnia could have to ask for an unpaid leave of absence. That sounds like a good idea for now.
Does anyone have a similar experience? Is it too late for me to let my heart lead the way? A midife crisis? 😊
I am not going to make any quick decisions, but it’s impossible not to think about what ifs either way.
We met seven months ago and even though we liked each other a lot we decided to keep things simple given that he lives in a neighbouring country and visits here every month for his job. We weren’t really considering anything more serious than hanging out for a couple of days when he is here. However, by the end of that month, I was at his place (a 7-hour drive from my home) for a weekend.
Three months in, we have spent a lot of time together, several long weekends and almost a full month during the summer, there have been some disagreements but we resolved them easily, communication is really good…
Seven months in – it seems much longer, no trust issues, communication is becoming better and better both online and when we are together. The distance, or rather how to close it, is actually the only thing that worries us at the moment. We do talk about it and there are several options we are considering, but there’s also an immense fear I feel.
The thing is, I come from Bosnia, I’m in my mid 40s, gay, and I work for the Government. I don’t love my job, but it is safe (no need to worry until retirement unless the country falls apart again) and, given the corruption and all the craziness in the system, if I leave it, there’s no way back.
On the other hand, no one would choose to live in Bosnia. The unemployment rate is huge, and overall, it’s not really a country where two gay people can expect to build a relatively nice life together. My boyfriend is from Croatia, he loves his city, he has a good job and him moving to Bosnia is something neither of us would want. My prospects for finding a job in Croatia are much better I guess, but for a certain period of time I would definitely be financially dependent on him. We are considering the option of me applying for a master’s degree in Croatia. That would give me the only legal basis I as a civil servant in Bosnia could have to ask for an unpaid leave of absence. That sounds like a good idea for now.
Does anyone have a similar experience? Is it too late for me to let my heart lead the way? A midife crisis? 😊
I am not going to make any quick decisions, but it’s impossible not to think about what ifs either way.
I think that, if, after a year of an LDR, you two are still in this great place where your relationship is concerned, you should go with your plan of applying for a masters degree in Croatia. Seven months is still a short time in which to pack up and leave to another country for a relationship, but a year will tell you more about each other. Some may say that a year wouldn't make a huge difference, but most therapists I've seen define a relationship as 'new' in the first six months. YMMV, but this is my basis for suggesting waiting a year.
posted by Everydayville at 9:43 AM on November 26, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by Everydayville at 9:43 AM on November 26, 2018 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: "So, if I'm understanding this correctly, the leave of absence you'd get when going for the master's degree is the one way you would be able to return to your current job if things didn't work out?"
Yes, I would be able to return to my current job. Also, we have another at least10 months of LDR as it is until then.
posted by Nnennoo at 10:03 AM on November 26, 2018
Yes, I would be able to return to my current job. Also, we have another at least10 months of LDR as it is until then.
posted by Nnennoo at 10:03 AM on November 26, 2018
Based on your update, then yes, it doesn't seem to me that you are being foolish or rushing into things. Plus, I've spent some time in Croatia and thought it was really lovely, at least the parts I visited--just my impression from a few weeks there, but if you're going to go through this much upheaval at this point in your life, it's better if you can move to a place that has a lot to offer, which it seems to.
posted by tiger tiger at 11:13 AM on November 26, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by tiger tiger at 11:13 AM on November 26, 2018 [3 favorites]
I'm in a very similar situation right now. That kind of distance is tough and the prospect of moving to a new country is really, really intimidating. While I think it would be arrogant to say I know exactly what you're going through (my move would be from the US to Canada; we're in our 30s; we're a cishet couple), I will say that I recognize and empathize with some of that fear you're feeling. Not once have I doubted that I want to move for love, it's just intimidating and overwhelming, which is what makes it feel a little scary sometimes. So many laws and customs and red tape to navigate. Not to mention you're giving up a life in a country you've always known; you're leaving family and friends behind; you're going to be adjusting to certain cultural differences - some of which you may not even be aware of just yet. What you're going through right now isn't easy and I totally understand why you're asking the questions you're asking. You should ask these questions!
That being said, if you are just looking for permission from the internet to take this romantic leap of faith, then you have this random internet person's permission. And blessings! We only live once. And it can be so difficult to find one's "person" in life. When you find that person, do what you must to be with them. Let your heart lead the way, you ask? Hell yes. Ideally on terms that both of you can accept. If you want to go to grad school anyway - and if that will make you feel more secure in your decision since it would enable you to return to your government job in Bosnia if things don't work out - I think that's a great way to turn this move into more of a "calculated risk." Plus, going to grad school will give you a way to make friends, learn the ins and outs of Croatia, and develop a social circle beyond your relationship so that you don't feel quite so socially dependent on him.
Concerning finances and financial dependence: I'd make sure that you both talk about that in advance, as much as possible. Money is an ugly, ugly thing that has killed otherwise great relationships. Don't let it kill yours. Be open, have a plan, use these next ten months to save up money if that's an option for you, learn in advance what your expenses in Croatia will be (both for cost of living and for any fees or costs associated with obtaining legal residency there), make a budget, talk with him about it, and find out what - if any - concerns he may have about how finances will work when/if you are dependent on him for a time. You need to learn right now what your financial arrangement will be so that it's not a surprise when you get there. Also, have a plan of action in place for how you two will discuss any disagreements about money.
Something else I want to say. If you are the person moving to a new country to be with him, he should be supporting you emotionally through that process. (I'm not saying that he isn't. Just that it's something that is really important and should not be overlooked.) Because moving sucks, but moving to a new country sucks even more - romance or not. It's a lot of work, and a lot of change. There's so much to think about. It's totally surmountable, but that doesn't change the fact that it's a lot of stuff to process. Even if he's going to be supporting you financially when you first get there, which is no laughing matter for him (and you should be mindful of that, too, which it sounds like you are), it's important for the health of your relationship that he recognize the dramatic life change (some may even say "sacrifice", though I don't personally look at it that way when it's for love) you're making so that the two of you can be together. If you're feeling stressed or overwhelmed with the moving process, make sure you're being open and communicating with him about that. Maybe even let him know right now, "Hey, this may be pretty challenging for me on an emotional and/or logistical level at times, and I may need a little more emotional support than normal while I'm going through that." You may not be sure right now what that support you're going to need from him "looks" like, but if you're open with him, it's something you can surely work together to figure out.
I agree with others here: you aren't being foolish and you aren't rushing into this. You're asking the right questions, thinking through the right things, and it sounds like you two have a great relationship. Even though it's intimidating to navigate at times, it's still really exciting. I'm rooting for you!
Also, serious offer: if you ever need to chat or vent with someone else who's in the process of doing the same thing right now, please MeMail me. Sometimes it's just good to have someone else to relate.
posted by nightrecordings at 5:58 PM on November 26, 2018 [3 favorites]
That being said, if you are just looking for permission from the internet to take this romantic leap of faith, then you have this random internet person's permission. And blessings! We only live once. And it can be so difficult to find one's "person" in life. When you find that person, do what you must to be with them. Let your heart lead the way, you ask? Hell yes. Ideally on terms that both of you can accept. If you want to go to grad school anyway - and if that will make you feel more secure in your decision since it would enable you to return to your government job in Bosnia if things don't work out - I think that's a great way to turn this move into more of a "calculated risk." Plus, going to grad school will give you a way to make friends, learn the ins and outs of Croatia, and develop a social circle beyond your relationship so that you don't feel quite so socially dependent on him.
Concerning finances and financial dependence: I'd make sure that you both talk about that in advance, as much as possible. Money is an ugly, ugly thing that has killed otherwise great relationships. Don't let it kill yours. Be open, have a plan, use these next ten months to save up money if that's an option for you, learn in advance what your expenses in Croatia will be (both for cost of living and for any fees or costs associated with obtaining legal residency there), make a budget, talk with him about it, and find out what - if any - concerns he may have about how finances will work when/if you are dependent on him for a time. You need to learn right now what your financial arrangement will be so that it's not a surprise when you get there. Also, have a plan of action in place for how you two will discuss any disagreements about money.
Something else I want to say. If you are the person moving to a new country to be with him, he should be supporting you emotionally through that process. (I'm not saying that he isn't. Just that it's something that is really important and should not be overlooked.) Because moving sucks, but moving to a new country sucks even more - romance or not. It's a lot of work, and a lot of change. There's so much to think about. It's totally surmountable, but that doesn't change the fact that it's a lot of stuff to process. Even if he's going to be supporting you financially when you first get there, which is no laughing matter for him (and you should be mindful of that, too, which it sounds like you are), it's important for the health of your relationship that he recognize the dramatic life change (some may even say "sacrifice", though I don't personally look at it that way when it's for love) you're making so that the two of you can be together. If you're feeling stressed or overwhelmed with the moving process, make sure you're being open and communicating with him about that. Maybe even let him know right now, "Hey, this may be pretty challenging for me on an emotional and/or logistical level at times, and I may need a little more emotional support than normal while I'm going through that." You may not be sure right now what that support you're going to need from him "looks" like, but if you're open with him, it's something you can surely work together to figure out.
I agree with others here: you aren't being foolish and you aren't rushing into this. You're asking the right questions, thinking through the right things, and it sounds like you two have a great relationship. Even though it's intimidating to navigate at times, it's still really exciting. I'm rooting for you!
Also, serious offer: if you ever need to chat or vent with someone else who's in the process of doing the same thing right now, please MeMail me. Sometimes it's just good to have someone else to relate.
posted by nightrecordings at 5:58 PM on November 26, 2018 [3 favorites]
overall, it’s not really a country where two gay people can expect to build a relatively nice life together
I don't know how important having a nice life together with another gay person is to you, but if that's something you would want in your life (with this partner, or any other partner) it sounds like you will never have that where you live now.
If you want that in your life, apply for the master's and take the leave of absence. And if it doesn't work out with this person and you feel you want that life more than the life of working for the government until you retire, take your master's and look for a place to go where having that in your life is something that could be a possibility.
posted by yohko at 9:02 PM on November 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
I don't know how important having a nice life together with another gay person is to you, but if that's something you would want in your life (with this partner, or any other partner) it sounds like you will never have that where you live now.
If you want that in your life, apply for the master's and take the leave of absence. And if it doesn't work out with this person and you feel you want that life more than the life of working for the government until you retire, take your master's and look for a place to go where having that in your life is something that could be a possibility.
posted by yohko at 9:02 PM on November 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
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I think you should give it a little longer, but if things continue to be good, you should go for it. Seven months isn't very long, especially for an LDR, so I don't think you should rush into it, but I think your plan is a good one over the longer term. I don't think your age is an issue at all. People find love at all kinds of ages.
posted by tiger tiger at 9:31 AM on November 26, 2018 [2 favorites]