I behaved super inappropriately with a friend while intoxicated
November 5, 2018 5:36 PM Subscribe
I behaved super inappropriately with a friend while intoxicated. How do I make amends?
Earlier this week I made plans with various people who are in town for a conference to catch up over drinks. Original plan was to catch up with a friend (let's call her Jane) over drinks. We don't work together but met professionally and have been casual friends for years. We're both single, I find her attractive but don't have any interest in dating her since we don't live in the same city. My plans were really just to catch up and talk about what we've been up to work wise, head home, have dinner and a normal day the next morning.
What ended up happening: Another friend (Joe. unknown to Jane) also texted wanting to catch up. Since Jane could not meet till later, I agreed to meet Joe first for a drink. Knowing that cocktails before dinner are a bad idea, I even ordered some food with my drink as soon as I got to the bar. Joe showed up (within minutes of me getting there) with his wife (who I had not met before), we hit it off, had a few drinks (3 cocktails). I had some bites of food (no carbs, which could have helped). When I'm distracted and chatty I don't pay attention.
When I Ubered over to the bar Jane picked, I was unfortunately already drunk (without realizing it myself). She got me a drink when I got there. Things went south after that. I was flirty (without reading any cues). She was meeting a friend for dinner (after drinks with me) and my plan was to leave, but I got invited to dinner (because I was so chatty and didn't just leave). I dominated the conversation with rambling thoughts, and at the end of the night asked Jane for a kiss goodnight. yuck. She said no, I asked again and at that point came to some sense and Ubered home.
Surely I woke up with a bad hangover the next am and didn't make it to work. I don't drink often (1-2 drinks a week if that) and know myself that I get bad hangovers when I drink without food. I also don't act inappropriately when alone with women friends at bars. I'm terribly embarrassed. How do I fix this?
I am beyond embarrassed at this point. I never meant to make Jane uncomfortable. At this point if she never wanted to speak to me again I totally understand. She texted back saying she was disappointed at the way the night went. I replied (but from the lack of read notification on her imessage, which she usually has on), I assume she has blocked me (which I don't blame her for).
Question: Do I just let this go, give her space and respect that she never wants to interact with me again? Do I write her an apology over email (I'm not sure if that would make things worse if she is trying to just forget the evening)? Like I said, I totally understand if she has written me off forever. But I want to tell her how truly sorry I am (not to make myself feel better, but more in the sense of not making the situation worse because she might perceive that I am not remorseful and that I never apologized for this).
Earlier this week I made plans with various people who are in town for a conference to catch up over drinks. Original plan was to catch up with a friend (let's call her Jane) over drinks. We don't work together but met professionally and have been casual friends for years. We're both single, I find her attractive but don't have any interest in dating her since we don't live in the same city. My plans were really just to catch up and talk about what we've been up to work wise, head home, have dinner and a normal day the next morning.
What ended up happening: Another friend (Joe. unknown to Jane) also texted wanting to catch up. Since Jane could not meet till later, I agreed to meet Joe first for a drink. Knowing that cocktails before dinner are a bad idea, I even ordered some food with my drink as soon as I got to the bar. Joe showed up (within minutes of me getting there) with his wife (who I had not met before), we hit it off, had a few drinks (3 cocktails). I had some bites of food (no carbs, which could have helped). When I'm distracted and chatty I don't pay attention.
When I Ubered over to the bar Jane picked, I was unfortunately already drunk (without realizing it myself). She got me a drink when I got there. Things went south after that. I was flirty (without reading any cues). She was meeting a friend for dinner (after drinks with me) and my plan was to leave, but I got invited to dinner (because I was so chatty and didn't just leave). I dominated the conversation with rambling thoughts, and at the end of the night asked Jane for a kiss goodnight. yuck. She said no, I asked again and at that point came to some sense and Ubered home.
Surely I woke up with a bad hangover the next am and didn't make it to work. I don't drink often (1-2 drinks a week if that) and know myself that I get bad hangovers when I drink without food. I also don't act inappropriately when alone with women friends at bars. I'm terribly embarrassed. How do I fix this?
I am beyond embarrassed at this point. I never meant to make Jane uncomfortable. At this point if she never wanted to speak to me again I totally understand. She texted back saying she was disappointed at the way the night went. I replied (but from the lack of read notification on her imessage, which she usually has on), I assume she has blocked me (which I don't blame her for).
Question: Do I just let this go, give her space and respect that she never wants to interact with me again? Do I write her an apology over email (I'm not sure if that would make things worse if she is trying to just forget the evening)? Like I said, I totally understand if she has written me off forever. But I want to tell her how truly sorry I am (not to make myself feel better, but more in the sense of not making the situation worse because she might perceive that I am not remorseful and that I never apologized for this).
Yes, if I were Jane, I would appreciate an apology if only because I'd be very confused about a night like this with someone I was friends with. You do sound aware not to make this about you, not to expect her do any emotional labor on this, which is good, so I think a sincere but brief apology is something that might be appreciated. But do make sure it's not one that remotely seems to be hinting for a reply. Leave it up to her how she wants to handle it from there -- it's entirely her call whether she wants to reply, block you, or answer you after she's ready, or not. Don't use being intoxicated as an excuse -- instead also apologize for meeting her when you were intoxicated, as well as for acting inappropriately and making her uncomfortable. Just tell her you are sorry, and don't ask her for absolution.
posted by nantucket at 6:00 PM on November 5, 2018 [10 favorites]
posted by nantucket at 6:00 PM on November 5, 2018 [10 favorites]
She might not have blocked you; she might have seen the preview for the text message, seen enough to have gone "I can't deal with this right now", and might be leaving it unread at the top of her text messages (to prevent the read receipt) until she has the ducks to deal with it. Not that I've ever triaged my own text messages the same way.
If you haven't already apologized (it wasn't clear if an apology text that she replied to her with her disappointment text), you MIGHT send her a very very short email (like, seriously, 3 sentences) with a subject line like "Apologies, no reply necessary" so she knows that you're not expecting her to do any heavy lifting from her. Say that you're sorry, say that you recognize that you behaved inappropriately, and that you will not do it again in the future with anyone else (though that doesn't fix the past), and that you absolutely don't expect to hear from her again but that you wanted to apologize. Just apologize; don't offer any explanation - she doesn't want any couldashouldawoulda.
And then you send it off, and then you expect to never hear from her again, and if you do, it's a pleasant surprise. And you do better from this moment out.
[Source: I have been on both sides of this situation. I am very very very lucky that the person I acted like a drunken teenager towards - for months - was able to forgive me and is a dear friend and spent an hour in my office this morning talking politics. I could have really ducked that up, and I didn't, but that is sheer grace on their end.]
posted by joycehealy at 6:01 PM on November 5, 2018 [35 favorites]
If you haven't already apologized (it wasn't clear if an apology text that she replied to her with her disappointment text), you MIGHT send her a very very short email (like, seriously, 3 sentences) with a subject line like "Apologies, no reply necessary" so she knows that you're not expecting her to do any heavy lifting from her. Say that you're sorry, say that you recognize that you behaved inappropriately, and that you will not do it again in the future with anyone else (though that doesn't fix the past), and that you absolutely don't expect to hear from her again but that you wanted to apologize. Just apologize; don't offer any explanation - she doesn't want any couldashouldawoulda.
And then you send it off, and then you expect to never hear from her again, and if you do, it's a pleasant surprise. And you do better from this moment out.
[Source: I have been on both sides of this situation. I am very very very lucky that the person I acted like a drunken teenager towards - for months - was able to forgive me and is a dear friend and spent an hour in my office this morning talking politics. I could have really ducked that up, and I didn't, but that is sheer grace on their end.]
posted by joycehealy at 6:01 PM on November 5, 2018 [35 favorites]
If she messaged you via text and you apologized via text, no further contact is appropriate on your part. Assuming she blocked you because she hasn't read your message yet is pretty self-centered - she's at a conference.
posted by muddgirl at 6:03 PM on November 5, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by muddgirl at 6:03 PM on November 5, 2018 [4 favorites]
I am beyond embarrassed at this point. I never meant to make Jane uncomfortable. At this point if she never wanted to speak to me again I totally understand. She texted back saying she was disappointed at the way the night went.
Is there a sentence missing here? Because it seems like you're saying she texted back to you but I don't know if you texted her something.
So, hey, you're in a lousy situation. That said, you know who is in a worse one? Jane. You may have seriously frightened her. Or you may not have and things are okay but she is like "Hey anon is a person who can't hold their drinks and acted boorishly." Your telling if this story, to my read, is a little odd.
- it doesn't matter why you got drunk and certainly not that Jane bought you a drink, that is all your responsibility
- you said you are not a person who acts inappropriately when alone with women friends at bars but... you are! And hey, it happens sometimes, but it's still not-good
- presuming you're blocked seems like a big jump, there are a ton of reasons she may have not read your message (or turned off read replies)
Your desire to apologize is something you should just sort of sit on right now. And when you do I'd make it very short, clear, and omit all the "you bought me a drink" and retelling of the story to explain it all. Just say you're sorry. Don't explain it except "I drank more than I thought and acted badly and I'm sorry." and leave it alone. Don't ask for her forgiveness, don't make her do any work at all to deal with this.
My guy, who I love very much, always wants to tell me WHY he did the thing that made me feel bad, whatever it was. I love him terribly but I DO NOT CARE about his story and yet he BADLY FEELS he needs to tell it to me. It's like a joke with us at this point and we've been together ten years. However, you are not in a relationship with this woman so it's not her job to work any of this out with her and it might be useful for you to talk to a friend so you don't try talking to her about this.
posted by jessamyn at 6:06 PM on November 5, 2018 [57 favorites]
Is there a sentence missing here? Because it seems like you're saying she texted back to you but I don't know if you texted her something.
So, hey, you're in a lousy situation. That said, you know who is in a worse one? Jane. You may have seriously frightened her. Or you may not have and things are okay but she is like "Hey anon is a person who can't hold their drinks and acted boorishly." Your telling if this story, to my read, is a little odd.
- it doesn't matter why you got drunk and certainly not that Jane bought you a drink, that is all your responsibility
- you said you are not a person who acts inappropriately when alone with women friends at bars but... you are! And hey, it happens sometimes, but it's still not-good
- presuming you're blocked seems like a big jump, there are a ton of reasons she may have not read your message (or turned off read replies)
Your desire to apologize is something you should just sort of sit on right now. And when you do I'd make it very short, clear, and omit all the "you bought me a drink" and retelling of the story to explain it all. Just say you're sorry. Don't explain it except "I drank more than I thought and acted badly and I'm sorry." and leave it alone. Don't ask for her forgiveness, don't make her do any work at all to deal with this.
My guy, who I love very much, always wants to tell me WHY he did the thing that made me feel bad, whatever it was. I love him terribly but I DO NOT CARE about his story and yet he BADLY FEELS he needs to tell it to me. It's like a joke with us at this point and we've been together ten years. However, you are not in a relationship with this woman so it's not her job to work any of this out with her and it might be useful for you to talk to a friend so you don't try talking to her about this.
posted by jessamyn at 6:06 PM on November 5, 2018 [57 favorites]
I may have misread the timeline and she may be home from the conference - that doesn't change the equation. If she didn't block you, she's seen the apology that you already sent, right? If she did block you, that's a clear message that no further contact with you is desired.
posted by muddgirl at 6:06 PM on November 5, 2018
posted by muddgirl at 6:06 PM on November 5, 2018
I don't think there's anything wrong with a short, sincere emailed apology. I would appreciate it if I were her (it's a much more deliberate gesture than a text.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:06 PM on November 5, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:06 PM on November 5, 2018 [1 favorite]
I am a woman who's dealt with men friends behaving inappropriately. (I have also behaved inappropriately, but well ...)
I am unclear from your question if you did apologize to Jane at all. If you didn't, do so now, and do so without any excuses -- no "but I was drunk!" caveats or excuses. "I behaved super inappropriately and I am sorry." is all you need to say. I think you can also incorporate some of the language you used here.
But if Jane doesn't want to interact with you again, that's her right. That doesn't mean you shouldn't apologize, though.
(And for me, even when I've decided I didn't want these men in my life anymore, I just really wanted an acknowledgement of what happened and that they put me in a bad situation. That can go far!)
Also, hangover anxiety is a thing. This is not to let you off the hook or say that what you did wasn't so bad, but hangovers can make things seem worse than they are.
You can move past this. Just remember to eat more while drinking and don't drink as much.
posted by darksong at 6:07 PM on November 5, 2018 [5 favorites]
I am unclear from your question if you did apologize to Jane at all. If you didn't, do so now, and do so without any excuses -- no "but I was drunk!" caveats or excuses. "I behaved super inappropriately and I am sorry." is all you need to say. I think you can also incorporate some of the language you used here.
But if Jane doesn't want to interact with you again, that's her right. That doesn't mean you shouldn't apologize, though.
(And for me, even when I've decided I didn't want these men in my life anymore, I just really wanted an acknowledgement of what happened and that they put me in a bad situation. That can go far!)
Also, hangover anxiety is a thing. This is not to let you off the hook or say that what you did wasn't so bad, but hangovers can make things seem worse than they are.
You can move past this. Just remember to eat more while drinking and don't drink as much.
posted by darksong at 6:07 PM on November 5, 2018 [5 favorites]
What you did wasn’t so bad and the embarrassment will fade and you’ll remember not to do this again.
False. It was that bad. Women don't exist for men, and treating a friend/colleague this way is extremely disrespectful. She probably is wondering how she misread what type of person you are and I don't think an apology will help (but you should still send one, through email, and definitely mention that you don't expect a reply but that she has done NOTHING WRONG and your mistake was 100% on you).
posted by masquesoporfavor at 6:12 PM on November 5, 2018 [36 favorites]
False. It was that bad. Women don't exist for men, and treating a friend/colleague this way is extremely disrespectful. She probably is wondering how she misread what type of person you are and I don't think an apology will help (but you should still send one, through email, and definitely mention that you don't expect a reply but that she has done NOTHING WRONG and your mistake was 100% on you).
posted by masquesoporfavor at 6:12 PM on November 5, 2018 [36 favorites]
Email a simple apology, Jane doesn't want a novel about how you didn't eat carbohydrates. If she gets back in contact with you, that's great, if she doesn't, let it drop.
posted by betweenthebars at 6:24 PM on November 5, 2018 [22 favorites]
posted by betweenthebars at 6:24 PM on November 5, 2018 [22 favorites]
I also don't act inappropriately when alone with women friends at bars. I'm terribly embarrassed. How do I fix this?
You apparently do act inappropriately, at least on some occasions. You may not be able to fix this one, at least not right away. Apologize by email and save the excuses unless she asks. If you and she ever hang out again stick to water. In general I'd also have a hard limit on how many drinks you consume in an evening, and if that's too difficult just stop drinking period.
posted by ghost phoneme at 6:43 PM on November 5, 2018 [3 favorites]
You apparently do act inappropriately, at least on some occasions. You may not be able to fix this one, at least not right away. Apologize by email and save the excuses unless she asks. If you and she ever hang out again stick to water. In general I'd also have a hard limit on how many drinks you consume in an evening, and if that's too difficult just stop drinking period.
posted by ghost phoneme at 6:43 PM on November 5, 2018 [3 favorites]
yeah, it was bad. if you have already apologized, do not apologize again if the reason you feel the urge to do so is that she hasn't said anything nice to you back. if she doesn't reply to say she forgives you, it doesn't mean your apology wasn't good enough, it doesn't tell you anything about that. it means she has nothing to say to you.
however, if you have not apologized clearly, for god's sake hurry up and do it now. you absolutely do have to, or she will believe, like any reasonable person would, that you aren't sorry. or that you don't even remember and also, aren't sorry.
if you haven't done it yet, the one thing you have to do is not ask for anything. that means no passive-aggressive bullshit about how you don't know how she can ever forgive you, or how it might be hard for her to ever want to see you again, or any other transparent demand for a concession or a reassurance on her part. just say that you remember being rude, aggressive, and socially/sexually inappropriate, and you are sorry about all of it. say that although you drank too much, you still remember everything you said and did, and although intoxication is not an excuse, and you are responsible regardless, you will not put yourself in that state around other people again. DO NOT say any shit about (mis)reading "cues."
that's it, though. don't repeat yourself over and over, don't say you understand if she never wants to speak to you again, what can you do to earn back her trust, etc. etc. etc. no implicit requests of any kind, which those are. just apologize through whatever avenues of contact are open to you, once. and then leave it.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:45 PM on November 5, 2018 [14 favorites]
however, if you have not apologized clearly, for god's sake hurry up and do it now. you absolutely do have to, or she will believe, like any reasonable person would, that you aren't sorry. or that you don't even remember and also, aren't sorry.
if you haven't done it yet, the one thing you have to do is not ask for anything. that means no passive-aggressive bullshit about how you don't know how she can ever forgive you, or how it might be hard for her to ever want to see you again, or any other transparent demand for a concession or a reassurance on her part. just say that you remember being rude, aggressive, and socially/sexually inappropriate, and you are sorry about all of it. say that although you drank too much, you still remember everything you said and did, and although intoxication is not an excuse, and you are responsible regardless, you will not put yourself in that state around other people again. DO NOT say any shit about (mis)reading "cues."
that's it, though. don't repeat yourself over and over, don't say you understand if she never wants to speak to you again, what can you do to earn back her trust, etc. etc. etc. no implicit requests of any kind, which those are. just apologize through whatever avenues of contact are open to you, once. and then leave it.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:45 PM on November 5, 2018 [14 favorites]
Having had a similar (if slightly more invasive physically) experience with an acquaintance at a party 30 years ago, I encourage you to make the effort to apologize.
I received an in person apology that was short and to the point the next day. The guy just told me that he looked back and realized he'd been out of line and should have realized I was uncomfortable with his behaviour. I don't believe I responded, just kind of nodded mutely and stared (we were 18).
Looking back, though, I still appreciate this brief and sincere apology I received, and after #metoo I realized that since he made ammends, it ended up different from other incidents I experienced in that this experience never was among those that continued to trouble me. I wish him well.
So, in short, you may never know the apology has the intended result, but it is worth ensuring it happens to give her that closure.
posted by chapps at 6:48 PM on November 5, 2018 [18 favorites]
I received an in person apology that was short and to the point the next day. The guy just told me that he looked back and realized he'd been out of line and should have realized I was uncomfortable with his behaviour. I don't believe I responded, just kind of nodded mutely and stared (we were 18).
Looking back, though, I still appreciate this brief and sincere apology I received, and after #metoo I realized that since he made ammends, it ended up different from other incidents I experienced in that this experience never was among those that continued to trouble me. I wish him well.
So, in short, you may never know the apology has the intended result, but it is worth ensuring it happens to give her that closure.
posted by chapps at 6:48 PM on November 5, 2018 [18 favorites]
If you have her email address, a brief email apologizing (making NO excuses and also not explaining about the carbs and the drinks and the etc.) would be appropriate. 3-4 sentences that focus on the impact of your actions, not on your feelings:
YES: "Dear ____, I apologize for behaving unprofessionally last night. There is absolutely no excuse for my actions and I am so sorry for the discomfort I caused you."
NO: "Dear ____, I feel so horrible... I'm so embarrassed... please forgive me.... I don't blame you if you never want to see me again... I can't believe what I did..."
Then, drop any expectation of further contact. The way to move forward is not to let this happen again with anyone else. You said, "I also don't act inappropriately when alone with women friends at bars," but apparently you DO act inappropriately. I would suggest quitting drinking for a while. Channel your discomfort into learning from the mistake and moving on -- feeling awful is an appropriate response, but use that feeling to move forward. Avoid just stewing in self-flagellation.
posted by rogerrogerwhatsyourrvectorvicto at 6:53 PM on November 5, 2018 [27 favorites]
YES: "Dear ____, I apologize for behaving unprofessionally last night. There is absolutely no excuse for my actions and I am so sorry for the discomfort I caused you."
NO: "Dear ____, I feel so horrible... I'm so embarrassed... please forgive me.... I don't blame you if you never want to see me again... I can't believe what I did..."
Then, drop any expectation of further contact. The way to move forward is not to let this happen again with anyone else. You said, "I also don't act inappropriately when alone with women friends at bars," but apparently you DO act inappropriately. I would suggest quitting drinking for a while. Channel your discomfort into learning from the mistake and moving on -- feeling awful is an appropriate response, but use that feeling to move forward. Avoid just stewing in self-flagellation.
posted by rogerrogerwhatsyourrvectorvicto at 6:53 PM on November 5, 2018 [27 favorites]
If you haven't apologised, you should, and you should follow the template that others have outlined, with zero asks on her part and zero emphasis on excuses or your own feelings. Take your desire for some kind of absolution, put it in a box, dig a hole and bury it.
posted by holgate at 7:30 PM on November 5, 2018
posted by holgate at 7:30 PM on November 5, 2018
Email:
Hi Jane,
I got way too drunk the other night and I behaved badly.
Looking back, I see that I was rambling and overbearing, I overstayed my welcome by joining you for dinner, and I flirted with you even though you were not flirting back. And when it was time to leave, I asked to kiss you... and then asked again when you said no. I was completely out of line.
I am so sorry that I behaved this way. I am sorry for making you uncomfortable, and embarrassed and disappointed with myself.
I will be much more careful- both with alcohol and with treating people respectfully- going forward.
I don't blame you if you don't want to talk to me any more, and I'm not writing this to get a reply or demand more of your attention.
I just wanted to fully apologize, without reservation: I'm sorry.
Dan.
And then: leave her alone, if you see her in public just avoid her, and DO NOT make this cost her anything more- don't talk about it to others, don't mysteriously sigh "Jane hates me" at mutual friends, don't cost her any goodwill from others by implying she's "mean", don't beg for her forgiveness in active or passive ways. You're cut off from her.
Also: re-examine your drinking and your self-concept. You say you don't do this, but YOU DID. Own that.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 8:24 PM on November 5, 2018 [17 favorites]
Hi Jane,
I got way too drunk the other night and I behaved badly.
Looking back, I see that I was rambling and overbearing, I overstayed my welcome by joining you for dinner, and I flirted with you even though you were not flirting back. And when it was time to leave, I asked to kiss you... and then asked again when you said no. I was completely out of line.
I am so sorry that I behaved this way. I am sorry for making you uncomfortable, and embarrassed and disappointed with myself.
I will be much more careful- both with alcohol and with treating people respectfully- going forward.
I don't blame you if you don't want to talk to me any more, and I'm not writing this to get a reply or demand more of your attention.
I just wanted to fully apologize, without reservation: I'm sorry.
Dan.
And then: leave her alone, if you see her in public just avoid her, and DO NOT make this cost her anything more- don't talk about it to others, don't mysteriously sigh "Jane hates me" at mutual friends, don't cost her any goodwill from others by implying she's "mean", don't beg for her forgiveness in active or passive ways. You're cut off from her.
Also: re-examine your drinking and your self-concept. You say you don't do this, but YOU DID. Own that.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 8:24 PM on November 5, 2018 [17 favorites]
I'm going to come down on side of the unpopular answer "Do not try to apologize" but really I mean the more general "Do not contact her." It sounds like you feel awful about the situation, and you want to apologize so you can stop feeling so awful about the situation. Your guilt isn't her problem.
You said she texted you *back*, which indicates that you texted her something already. That's enough. Leave her alone.
posted by tzikeh at 8:27 PM on November 5, 2018 [8 favorites]
You said she texted you *back*, which indicates that you texted her something already. That's enough. Leave her alone.
posted by tzikeh at 8:27 PM on November 5, 2018 [8 favorites]
I can only respond with what I would want if I were Jane: I’d want to be left the fuck alone.
I agree with Tzikeh that it seems like you want to speak to her to make yourself feel better. That’s not the right reason. If she wants to have any more contact with you, let her initiate it.
Move on. And drink less.
posted by ocherdraco at 9:28 PM on November 5, 2018 [12 favorites]
I agree with Tzikeh that it seems like you want to speak to her to make yourself feel better. That’s not the right reason. If she wants to have any more contact with you, let her initiate it.
Move on. And drink less.
posted by ocherdraco at 9:28 PM on November 5, 2018 [12 favorites]
You need to apologize and basically say you had are too much to drink, behaved terribly and are very sorry. Then tell her you will not ever flirt with her again, that you understand it was out of line and it'll never happen again.
When this has happened to me, about 400 times btw, I mainly want to know the guy isn't going to stalk me or pine after me or keep trying in any way. If someone said "omg, I had waaaay more to drink than I thought and was incredibly embarrassed when I woke up, I do NOT think of you that way, I apologize profusely!!" I'd probably be much more OK with it than if he ghosted me in which case I'd be worried he really was like a stalker or was bad mouthing me or something. People do act stupidly when they are drunk and we all know that. You should probably also apologize to the friend, even just a "tell your friend I'm mortified and apologize for ruining your evening".
Then you make it up to her by treating her exactly the same as you did before at work, so no one would ever guess anything happened.
posted by fshgrl at 10:55 PM on November 5, 2018 [6 favorites]
When this has happened to me, about 400 times btw, I mainly want to know the guy isn't going to stalk me or pine after me or keep trying in any way. If someone said "omg, I had waaaay more to drink than I thought and was incredibly embarrassed when I woke up, I do NOT think of you that way, I apologize profusely!!" I'd probably be much more OK with it than if he ghosted me in which case I'd be worried he really was like a stalker or was bad mouthing me or something. People do act stupidly when they are drunk and we all know that. You should probably also apologize to the friend, even just a "tell your friend I'm mortified and apologize for ruining your evening".
Then you make it up to her by treating her exactly the same as you did before at work, so no one would ever guess anything happened.
posted by fshgrl at 10:55 PM on November 5, 2018 [6 favorites]
Unless you left out part of the story, or I'm severely misunderstanding things, I don't see anything wrong with your behavior (I know most mefites feel differently, but I just want to offer my perspective.). You didn't grope her, forcefully kiss her (you even asked! that's the right thing!), talk gross and inappropriate despite her asking you to stop, etc. You were flirty with a friend while out at a bar. I think that's perfectly ok. You might have been the "annoying friend" by talking so much, but we've all been the annoying friend at some point. That doesn't make you a creep.
However, I can understand why she feels disappointed that you want more from your friendship. I've occasionally felt that way when I found out a male friend/acquaintance is trying to pursue more from our relationship, but only because it means then I'll continually have to question their motivation behind dinner invites, birthday cards, carpool offers, etc. But it's only a slight disappointment, not a huge deal.
If you really think that she was so deeply offended by your behavior (and perhaps by her text message, she was), then definitely apologize, but then carry on as before. You don't speak to her often anyways, so just hang cool for awhile until/unless she initiates more conversation/meet-ups. Don't, however, continue to grovel and apologize and bring the subject up every time you see her. One polite apology, and then move on.
posted by hasna at 11:26 PM on November 5, 2018 [7 favorites]
However, I can understand why she feels disappointed that you want more from your friendship. I've occasionally felt that way when I found out a male friend/acquaintance is trying to pursue more from our relationship, but only because it means then I'll continually have to question their motivation behind dinner invites, birthday cards, carpool offers, etc. But it's only a slight disappointment, not a huge deal.
If you really think that she was so deeply offended by your behavior (and perhaps by her text message, she was), then definitely apologize, but then carry on as before. You don't speak to her often anyways, so just hang cool for awhile until/unless she initiates more conversation/meet-ups. Don't, however, continue to grovel and apologize and bring the subject up every time you see her. One polite apology, and then move on.
posted by hasna at 11:26 PM on November 5, 2018 [7 favorites]
"Dear ____, I apologize for behaving unprofessionally last night. There is absolutely no excuse for my actions and I am so sorry for the discomfort I caused you."
This is the only thing you should be sending, if anything.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:45 AM on November 6, 2018 [6 favorites]
This is the only thing you should be sending, if anything.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:45 AM on November 6, 2018 [6 favorites]
If you've already apologised by text, please don't apologise again by email - after apologising once, you said your piece and should give her space (forever, if she wants).
posted by carbide at 12:51 AM on November 6, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by carbide at 12:51 AM on November 6, 2018 [1 favorite]
just want to chime in because i haven't seen it said, i don't think -- in my opinion / if you were apologizing to me, i'd say your drunkenness DOES NOT MATTER. getting drunk isn't a free pass to be scary. if anything, drunk inappropriate men are even MORE scary than sober ones, in my (horrific and similar) experiences. it sucks to realize we are capable of awful things, which it sounds like that's where you're sitting right now.
if you're apologizing, just drop any caveats about having had so much to drink. unless you are prepared to be like "wow, this has made me realize i am a threat to women when i have too much alcohol, which is not worth it for me, so i am quitting drinking post haste to prevent any future damage to women i care about," then it doesn't make it any less awful that you were drunk. any apology you make will be minimized if you feel the need to tag on any sort of "the alcohol tho" sentiments.
can you be sure you won't treat women like this when you are drunk in the future? what will you be doing to make sure you won't? sending you wishes for clarity and calm.
posted by crawfo at 5:13 AM on November 6, 2018 [5 favorites]
if you're apologizing, just drop any caveats about having had so much to drink. unless you are prepared to be like "wow, this has made me realize i am a threat to women when i have too much alcohol, which is not worth it for me, so i am quitting drinking post haste to prevent any future damage to women i care about," then it doesn't make it any less awful that you were drunk. any apology you make will be minimized if you feel the need to tag on any sort of "the alcohol tho" sentiments.
can you be sure you won't treat women like this when you are drunk in the future? what will you be doing to make sure you won't? sending you wishes for clarity and calm.
posted by crawfo at 5:13 AM on November 6, 2018 [5 favorites]
I also vote for a short sincere apology email. I would appreciate hearing something like "I value you as a friend and last night I was not a good friend to you. I'm sorry. It won't happen again with you or anyone else".
If you do get together in the future you can show your sincerity by suggesting you meet up at a coffee place instead of a bar and making a clean exit.
Re: the unanticipated drinking, you need to make rules for yourself so this doesn't happen again. I order virgin drinks that I like when I'm out and I don't want to be intoxicated because of how it affects my sleep and subsequent day. I tell people very clearly "I have a low alcohol tolerance and don't want to be hungover tomorrow, I'll be drinking virgin cocktails and water but am happy to split a dessert or appetizer with you". Then stick to that and show people you don't drink, if you do that people will adjust, tell the servers you're the designated driver and they won't try to serve you alcohol.
posted by lafemma at 6:15 AM on November 6, 2018 [1 favorite]
If you do get together in the future you can show your sincerity by suggesting you meet up at a coffee place instead of a bar and making a clean exit.
Re: the unanticipated drinking, you need to make rules for yourself so this doesn't happen again. I order virgin drinks that I like when I'm out and I don't want to be intoxicated because of how it affects my sleep and subsequent day. I tell people very clearly "I have a low alcohol tolerance and don't want to be hungover tomorrow, I'll be drinking virgin cocktails and water but am happy to split a dessert or appetizer with you". Then stick to that and show people you don't drink, if you do that people will adjust, tell the servers you're the designated driver and they won't try to serve you alcohol.
posted by lafemma at 6:15 AM on November 6, 2018 [1 favorite]
I vote for you to stop drinking.
Rather than apologize, make sure you never do this again to anyone. That's what sincere regret looks like; it makes your apology something more than merely words. Either it's the drinking that caused your behavior, in which case don't drink, or else it was you, not the drinking.
I'm sorry. You have an alcohol problem. Get it addressed.
posted by Jane the Brown at 7:43 AM on November 6, 2018 [2 favorites]
Rather than apologize, make sure you never do this again to anyone. That's what sincere regret looks like; it makes your apology something more than merely words. Either it's the drinking that caused your behavior, in which case don't drink, or else it was you, not the drinking.
I'm sorry. You have an alcohol problem. Get it addressed.
posted by Jane the Brown at 7:43 AM on November 6, 2018 [2 favorites]
I vote for you to stop drinking. [...] I'm sorry. You have an alcohol problem. Get it addressed.I kinda feel like every AskMe that involves alcohol will include at least one admonition to quit drinking and get help, but that seems like a weird takeaway here. OP made it clear he's a light drinker as is (1-2 drinks a week), and is so (justifiably!) mortified as his behavior -- enough to post here! -- that it seems reasonable to extrapolate that this is not a pattern.
I'm not convinced that "$person had too much to drink and flirted inappropriately" is prima facie evidence of an alcohol problem.
If OP is dissembling here, and has a *pattern* of this kind of behavior when drinking, that's an entirely other question, and speaks to both a potential alcohol issue and a DEFINITE issue with relating to women and understanding & accepting social cues.
As far as the apology email is concerned, I think it's a good plan. Count me as one who suggests actively owning what you did by saying "I did X, Y, and Z that were all inappropriate" as opposed to a vague, less specific apology.
My guess it that you've damaged your relationship here, but unless you haven't told the whole story I suspect it's not unsalvageable given time and (obviously) a total lack of recurrence.
posted by uberchet at 8:23 AM on November 6, 2018 [13 favorites]
> YES: "Dear ____, I apologize for behaving unprofessionally last night. There is absolutely no excuse for my actions and I am so sorry for the discomfort I caused you."
NO: "Dear ____, I feel so horrible... I'm so embarrassed... please forgive me.... I don't blame you if you never want to see me again... I can't believe what I did..."
Seconding this. It's the difference between apologizing for her benefit and apologizing for your benefit.
posted by desuetude at 7:30 AM on November 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
NO: "Dear ____, I feel so horrible... I'm so embarrassed... please forgive me.... I don't blame you if you never want to see me again... I can't believe what I did..."
Seconding this. It's the difference between apologizing for her benefit and apologizing for your benefit.
posted by desuetude at 7:30 AM on November 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
I don't see the harm in sending an email where you express your embarrassment and apologize, and let her know you aren't expecting her to forgive you and you will respect if she never wants to speak with you again. Let her know that you won't bug her again, but you thought an email would be more appropriate than a text. I personally think it's easier over email than text be able to write something like that out, but don't make it too long or dramatic - don't force her to deal with some long-winded email. And after it's sent, let it go - don't try to contact her again. And if she makes it clear that she does never wants to speak to you again, you must actually respect it and keep to your word.
posted by AppleTurnover at 10:56 AM on November 7, 2018
posted by AppleTurnover at 10:56 AM on November 7, 2018
As a woman who's had male colleagues embarrass themselves to me more than once, I'd appreciate an apology with no expectation of a response or of a desire to interact you with any further. My reaction to your apology and any future interactions with you really depends on the opinion I'd formed of you prior to the incident. If I truly felt that this was a one-off thing and that the cause of all this was a genuine instance of bad judgment as a result of having too many drinks, I'm likely to forgive you and treat you much the same as I'd had before, likely with more reservation. Certainly, I'd need time to process it, and wouldn't text you immediately except to say I was disappointed in the events of the evening, as Jane did already.
Apologize to her, but please, for the love of all that's dear to you - keep it short. DarlingBri's script is, in my opinion, the best one here. All the others seem too long-winded and it would piss me off to have to read anything more than 3-4 sentences, tops.
posted by Everydayville at 1:40 PM on November 7, 2018
Apologize to her, but please, for the love of all that's dear to you - keep it short. DarlingBri's script is, in my opinion, the best one here. All the others seem too long-winded and it would piss me off to have to read anything more than 3-4 sentences, tops.
posted by Everydayville at 1:40 PM on November 7, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
With that said, you’ve said your piece. Leave it be.
posted by ftm at 5:59 PM on November 5, 2018 [5 favorites]