My friend's abuser in the tech industry, what to do?
November 4, 2018 7:42 PM Subscribe
My friend's abuser is active in tech spaces and they need help. Pronouns and names obscured for protection.
My friend has been on the receiving side of an abusive relationship for ~2 years, and their abuser also works in tech. Even though my friend ended the relationship 1.5 years ago, their abuser has continued to follow them around their campus, doing various obnoxious actions that have resulted in my friend needing to go into therapy due to the stress of the entire situation. A recent example of this, would be my friend's abuser attending a career fair on campus, representing another company, thus preventing my friend from attending the same career fair and missing classes that day due to the proximity of the career fair to my friend's classes, and my friend not wanting to "break down in front of [their] professors crying because [they] saw [their] abuser".
Because my friend's abuser also works in tech, I was wondering if you could provide some perspective on how your tech company would handle a situation like this. Even though my friend has taken steps to separate from their abuser (ex. not applying to their abusers' company), they still remain paranoid about if their abuser follows them into the company. Additionally, my friend is scared that if their name becomes known, that tech companies will "blacklist" their name from roles, due to thinking that my friend is not a "team player" or is a "volatile asset". Finally, my friend is debating contacting the company that their abuser works at, in order to ask that the company no longer send their abuser on campus to prevent another career fair situation. Would you happen to know if such requests are usually honored/what happens to individuals that ask questions like this? As an additional note, my friend has also gone to the Title IX office as well as a multitude of other offices on campus, with negative responses throughout due to their abuser being an alumn.
My friend has been on the receiving side of an abusive relationship for ~2 years, and their abuser also works in tech. Even though my friend ended the relationship 1.5 years ago, their abuser has continued to follow them around their campus, doing various obnoxious actions that have resulted in my friend needing to go into therapy due to the stress of the entire situation. A recent example of this, would be my friend's abuser attending a career fair on campus, representing another company, thus preventing my friend from attending the same career fair and missing classes that day due to the proximity of the career fair to my friend's classes, and my friend not wanting to "break down in front of [their] professors crying because [they] saw [their] abuser".
Because my friend's abuser also works in tech, I was wondering if you could provide some perspective on how your tech company would handle a situation like this. Even though my friend has taken steps to separate from their abuser (ex. not applying to their abusers' company), they still remain paranoid about if their abuser follows them into the company. Additionally, my friend is scared that if their name becomes known, that tech companies will "blacklist" their name from roles, due to thinking that my friend is not a "team player" or is a "volatile asset". Finally, my friend is debating contacting the company that their abuser works at, in order to ask that the company no longer send their abuser on campus to prevent another career fair situation. Would you happen to know if such requests are usually honored/what happens to individuals that ask questions like this? As an additional note, my friend has also gone to the Title IX office as well as a multitude of other offices on campus, with negative responses throughout due to their abuser being an alumn.
I think, unfortunately, tech is just not homogeneous enough for it to be meaningful to ask this question. Some companies I know of take social justice and feminist values very, very seriously. Others... do not. This is awful, I'm very sorry for your friend. Does s/he have a record of any of these interactions with the police?
posted by namesarehard at 8:19 PM on November 4, 2018
posted by namesarehard at 8:19 PM on November 4, 2018
Entanglements with abusers have ripples that will profoundly impact the victim forever. This is one such example. My abuser occasionally goes to career events that I should also be attending. This is a fact in my life. He can have those events. If one ever becomes important enough for me to attend I'll go extra hard on therapy before and after and ask a very trusted friend to act as my "bodyguard" throughout. I don't think he'll harm me ever again but seeing him would take an emotional toll on me, for sure.
I'm sorry your friend is experiencing this. It's honestly one of the shittier parts of the whole mess for me. A gift that keeps on giving.
posted by sockermom at 9:09 PM on November 4, 2018 [6 favorites]
I'm sorry your friend is experiencing this. It's honestly one of the shittier parts of the whole mess for me. A gift that keeps on giving.
posted by sockermom at 9:09 PM on November 4, 2018 [6 favorites]
He did say some less than kind things to others after they broke up but
her insistence on constantly calling him pretty pointed names to mutual colleagues and online and refusing to be in the same city has only hurt her, not him.
the same post-breakup behavior will be perceived differently depending on whether it comes from a man or a woman, as illustrated above. so while I respect that you have obscured the gender of your friend and their ex, it will unfortunately be more difficult to elicit care and generosity from others if they are a woman and their ex is a man. it will be infinitely more difficult to harm his career by spreading rumors, even true ones, if they are a woman and their ex is a man, than the other way around.
if that's the case: if she wants to make a direct request to the ex's employer that they send someone else as a campus rep, there will have to be something other than her word to show them ( and for good reason, or else he could just as easily have her humiliated or fired someday in retaliation.) If there is ongoing stalking and harassment, she will have to document it and report it. to real authorities, not campus ones. (But get records of all the campus reports she made, if there are any.) she needs something to show people or she will not be listened to. police reports, hospital records, anything detailed written at the time the abuse was happening -- something.
contacting his employer is not something I would personally recommend unless there was illegal activity. whether or not there's documentation or proof, there needs to have been a crime or I don't think this will work, and shouldn't. and without evidence to show, they should not give their name to any employer of his they contact about this or it will very likely be spread around -- to the ex if not to anyone else.
if they don't have anything concrete to justify approaching police or an employer with, can they still tell anyone who knows him what he's like, if his name comes up? just in social situations where it's appropriate, calmly, with a controlled amount of the worst true details tailored to the listener's tolerance for hearing them? oh yes. absolutely.
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:13 PM on November 4, 2018 [10 favorites]
her insistence on constantly calling him pretty pointed names to mutual colleagues and online and refusing to be in the same city has only hurt her, not him.
the same post-breakup behavior will be perceived differently depending on whether it comes from a man or a woman, as illustrated above. so while I respect that you have obscured the gender of your friend and their ex, it will unfortunately be more difficult to elicit care and generosity from others if they are a woman and their ex is a man. it will be infinitely more difficult to harm his career by spreading rumors, even true ones, if they are a woman and their ex is a man, than the other way around.
if that's the case: if she wants to make a direct request to the ex's employer that they send someone else as a campus rep, there will have to be something other than her word to show them ( and for good reason, or else he could just as easily have her humiliated or fired someday in retaliation.) If there is ongoing stalking and harassment, she will have to document it and report it. to real authorities, not campus ones. (But get records of all the campus reports she made, if there are any.) she needs something to show people or she will not be listened to. police reports, hospital records, anything detailed written at the time the abuse was happening -- something.
contacting his employer is not something I would personally recommend unless there was illegal activity. whether or not there's documentation or proof, there needs to have been a crime or I don't think this will work, and shouldn't. and without evidence to show, they should not give their name to any employer of his they contact about this or it will very likely be spread around -- to the ex if not to anyone else.
if they don't have anything concrete to justify approaching police or an employer with, can they still tell anyone who knows him what he's like, if his name comes up? just in social situations where it's appropriate, calmly, with a controlled amount of the worst true details tailored to the listener's tolerance for hearing them? oh yes. absolutely.
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:13 PM on November 4, 2018 [10 favorites]
I'm a hiring manager in tech but I can only speak for my little start-up corner of that world. I have also experienced being in an abusive relationship.
posted by 4rtemis at 10:05 PM on November 4, 2018 [4 favorites]
Additionally, my friend is scared that if their name becomes known, that tech companies will "blacklist" their name from roles, due to thinking that my friend is not a "team player" or is a "volatile asset".I certainly would not blacklist Friend. I can't promise that Friend need not worry about that happening elsewhere.
Finally, my friend is debating contacting the company that their abuser works at, in order to ask that the company no longer send their abuser on campus to prevent another career fair situation. Would you happen to know if such requests are usually honored/what happens to individuals that ask questions like this?I would not honor this request unless it was backed up by a restraining order or other credible documentation of harassment, stalking, or threat to Friend's health and safety. From my standpoint as the employer, Abuser is attending the career fair to perform legitimate work activities. I would not curtail Abuser's job duties just because some unknown-to-me person said Abuser's presence at an event would make them uncomfortable, and it would set a bad precedent if I did.
posted by 4rtemis at 10:05 PM on November 4, 2018 [4 favorites]
I....dunno, it kind of sounds like their therapy isn't working, if they're going to break down crying on sight 1.5 years after a 2 year relationship ended. I mean this in the nicest possible way, a better therapist might be the best solution here. If they're in the same industry, and that industry is tech, never laying eyes on them ever might be a tall order even with a restraining order.
As an aside why would Title IX matter in this situation?
posted by Xany at 12:33 AM on November 5, 2018 [8 favorites]
As an aside why would Title IX matter in this situation?
posted by Xany at 12:33 AM on November 5, 2018 [8 favorites]
As someone who works in tech, attending conferences, university career fairs, industry drinks, talks/meetups is common and even expected at some companies. These all mean interacting with or being in the same room as people from other companies although it's a little unclear as to the friend's situation here - they work in tech but are also a student? In itself, attending one isn't an "obnoxious action" - when I've done university recruitment events in the past then HR had a list of where people had graduated from and voluntold people to go.
Without a court order I wouldn't expect an employer to prevent someone from doing any of the above - it can be an important part of career development so would be legally questionable to stop them just because an ex-partner contacted them to request it.
posted by JonB at 5:21 AM on November 5, 2018 [1 favorite]
Without a court order I wouldn't expect an employer to prevent someone from doing any of the above - it can be an important part of career development so would be legally questionable to stop them just because an ex-partner contacted them to request it.
posted by JonB at 5:21 AM on November 5, 2018 [1 favorite]
I wonder if your friend could break this situation down into chunks and address each separately.
1. Tech stuff - can they (have they) plugged into queer/female-friendly/etc tech nonprofits to seek supportive mentors and make connections? This might allow them to get a realistic assessment of hiring issues and help them make connections for future employment. It might also give them a window on tech jobs that are not "go to work for a techbro developer in San Francisco". Just allaying some of their fears and having a plan for this might help dial down the stress.
1.5. Meeting some women/GLBTQ mentors might help your friend strategize for "I got a job at Company; by happy coincidence my creepy ex is applying for a job in my division". I think that's something that Ask A Manager deals with in a few posts. (Has your friend looked at Ask A Manager?)
2. Better therapy. It sounds like your friend is in disaster/survival mode and this is not going to be sustainable in the long term. Does your friend have access to other therapists and techniques than what they are using now? Also, if your friend has underlying issues which make them especially vulnerable (a history of abuse as a child, etc) seek therapy to address that in particular.
3. Document/restraining order if possible. There are parts of the social world where "this happened to me, it was very destructive, I need you to do X" are effective but those are usually not academic or corporate, and it's a different ask when people know you than when you're a stranger.
4. If your friend isn't already doing this, I strongly recommend planning breaks from routine whenever possible. Just resetting your brain with new activities and new settings can short circuit some of the stress, interrupt rumination, etc. This can be as simple as "we're going to drive over to the state park twenty miles away and spend the day walking in the woods" or "we're going to go to this foreign film festival and watch two totally-unknown-to-us movies in a row". I find that spending a day in a different place or doing something totally different, learning a new skill (even a really low-level skill; you don't need to master something difficult) or doing something physical to exhaustion (sledding? skating? biking? dancing?) can really help.
5. Does your friend have access to any kind of abuse survivors' group? It might be helpful to have a sounding board who is not a friend.
posted by Frowner at 5:22 AM on November 5, 2018 [9 favorites]
1. Tech stuff - can they (have they) plugged into queer/female-friendly/etc tech nonprofits to seek supportive mentors and make connections? This might allow them to get a realistic assessment of hiring issues and help them make connections for future employment. It might also give them a window on tech jobs that are not "go to work for a techbro developer in San Francisco". Just allaying some of their fears and having a plan for this might help dial down the stress.
1.5. Meeting some women/GLBTQ mentors might help your friend strategize for "I got a job at Company; by happy coincidence my creepy ex is applying for a job in my division". I think that's something that Ask A Manager deals with in a few posts. (Has your friend looked at Ask A Manager?)
2. Better therapy. It sounds like your friend is in disaster/survival mode and this is not going to be sustainable in the long term. Does your friend have access to other therapists and techniques than what they are using now? Also, if your friend has underlying issues which make them especially vulnerable (a history of abuse as a child, etc) seek therapy to address that in particular.
3. Document/restraining order if possible. There are parts of the social world where "this happened to me, it was very destructive, I need you to do X" are effective but those are usually not academic or corporate, and it's a different ask when people know you than when you're a stranger.
4. If your friend isn't already doing this, I strongly recommend planning breaks from routine whenever possible. Just resetting your brain with new activities and new settings can short circuit some of the stress, interrupt rumination, etc. This can be as simple as "we're going to drive over to the state park twenty miles away and spend the day walking in the woods" or "we're going to go to this foreign film festival and watch two totally-unknown-to-us movies in a row". I find that spending a day in a different place or doing something totally different, learning a new skill (even a really low-level skill; you don't need to master something difficult) or doing something physical to exhaustion (sledding? skating? biking? dancing?) can really help.
5. Does your friend have access to any kind of abuse survivors' group? It might be helpful to have a sounding board who is not a friend.
posted by Frowner at 5:22 AM on November 5, 2018 [9 favorites]
As an aside why would Title IX matter in this situation?
Though Title IX was originally concieved to create equity in college athletics facilities, it has increasingly been used as a method of grievance in sexual assualt and harassment cases on campus.
The full text of the law:
Though Title IX was originally concieved to create equity in college athletics facilities, it has increasingly been used as a method of grievance in sexual assualt and harassment cases on campus.
The full text of the law:
No person in the United States shall, on the basis of sex, be excluded from participation in, be denied the benefits of, or be subjected to discrimination under any education program or activity receiving Federal financial assistance.posted by Brittanie at 9:10 AM on November 5, 2018 [1 favorite]
It sounds like your friend dated someone in college who was older than them, that person graduated and got a job, and was then back on campus recruiting for the company they (abuser) work for? And maybe abuser took a job that is in the local area so they can cause your friend additional problems?
Here's my tech company perspective:
If your friend is in a small local tech market at a school that mostly gets attention from local companies, this is definitely a difficult situation. I would advise that friend get through their degree and do everything in their power to get a job in another region. Apply to bigger companies for internship opportunities, do what they can to get away. There are a lot of jobs in tech (whether or not they are in the "tech industry") and it should be possible to get away from this person.
At many companies, they will look and see who is connected to candidates when they are interviewing them. It depends on how big the company is but certainly if someone came to me and said, basically, "you're interviewing someone I used to date who was abusive to me" I would almost certainly not hire that person (the same as if you told me the person we were considering was unethical in other ways). Most companies will take the word of pre-existing employees more seriously than that of applicants. That being said, if someone contacted my company and said "please don't send X to the career fair because I used to date them and it was an abusive relationship" I'm not sure that I would be able to do anything with that information, even if I wanted to.
It is extremely unlikely that your friend will get "blacklisted" from companies because their ex was abusive and is maybe trash talking them, especially given that the ex seems to have only dated them in college, not worked with them. This ex is also a recent college grad which does not generally put them in much of a position of influence or power in any company. So I really don't think that should be their major concern. Get out of the local area. Put this person behind them. Stay in therapy. Good luck.
posted by ch1x0r at 7:12 PM on November 5, 2018 [1 favorite]
Here's my tech company perspective:
If your friend is in a small local tech market at a school that mostly gets attention from local companies, this is definitely a difficult situation. I would advise that friend get through their degree and do everything in their power to get a job in another region. Apply to bigger companies for internship opportunities, do what they can to get away. There are a lot of jobs in tech (whether or not they are in the "tech industry") and it should be possible to get away from this person.
At many companies, they will look and see who is connected to candidates when they are interviewing them. It depends on how big the company is but certainly if someone came to me and said, basically, "you're interviewing someone I used to date who was abusive to me" I would almost certainly not hire that person (the same as if you told me the person we were considering was unethical in other ways). Most companies will take the word of pre-existing employees more seriously than that of applicants. That being said, if someone contacted my company and said "please don't send X to the career fair because I used to date them and it was an abusive relationship" I'm not sure that I would be able to do anything with that information, even if I wanted to.
It is extremely unlikely that your friend will get "blacklisted" from companies because their ex was abusive and is maybe trash talking them, especially given that the ex seems to have only dated them in college, not worked with them. This ex is also a recent college grad which does not generally put them in much of a position of influence or power in any company. So I really don't think that should be their major concern. Get out of the local area. Put this person behind them. Stay in therapy. Good luck.
posted by ch1x0r at 7:12 PM on November 5, 2018 [1 favorite]
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