Mild postpartum depression or just normal newborn stuff? Second kid.
October 31, 2018 10:47 AM Subscribe
I had my second baby three weeks ago and am emotionally having a different experience than I did the first time around. Is this postpartum depression or just a normal yet different experience than I had with my first kid? And how can my spouse support me?
I was enamored with my first kid from the start and still am (she’s now 21 months). I did have baby blues for about two weeks after she was born that manifest as a feeling of loneliness as the sun went down, but it was short-lived every time it happened and it dissipated right around the two-week mark.
I feel indifferent toward my second kid. I don't mind taking care of her--nursing, changing diapers, rocking her is all fine, but pretty much nothing she does makes me feel anything. I feel on the verge of tears for no real reason a few times a day, but I don't actually spend much time crying. Sometimes I will leave her in her bassinet crying while I go take care of something else for a few minutes even though I know she needs something (I always return to give her what she needs but I don't feel in a hurry). Sleep has been ok--I deal with lack of sleep better than most and don’t feel excessively tired, but there’s no question I’m still tired. I have trouble taking naps because my mind is racing. I have less anxiety in general about something randomly happening to the second baby than I did with my first kid. I am irritable toward family that’s in town to help, but I don’t feel irritable toward my spouse who is sharing the parenting load. I think I'm eating less than I should be.
I’ve had one scary vision where I saw myself drop my oldest kid over a railing. I had the vision about a month before the second kid was born. At that time I thought about it as an isolated thing. I haven’t had it again but I have thought a fair amount about the fact that I had the scary vision, though less this week than last week. I also have caught my mind wandering to situations where my oldest child dies in unlikely accidents—in the shower (not bath), being bitten by a snake, etc., but I don't have that issue with my second kid. This week I was on a walk near a lake with the newborn and thought about how I could just push the stroller into the lake and nothing is stopping me but myself. It wasn’t something I actually wanted to do but more of a thing where I thought to myself, “this would be so easy and it’s scary that it would be so easy.”
And to be clear—I do not even remotely want to harm myself or either of my children! I also am already seeking help from a therapist and saw my OB who prescribed a low dose of Zoloft but seemed to think I could also continue with the therapist and not go on meds if I preferred that. It’s also clear that we’ve needed to amp up the support in other ways so I’ve joined two mom’s groups (one starting this week, another starting next week), I’ve talked to my sister and a couple of close friends who have kids about how I’m feeling, I’m continuing with the therapist once a week and we’ve hired a postpartum doula to help for a couple nights a week to help make sure I’m getting at least some sleep. I am also going to start a postpartum workout group next month (I legit enjoy working out for my sanity).
My wife and I communicate well and are open with each other but she doesn’t know how to respond and feels sad when I tell her I’m indifferent toward our newest kid, especially because she thinks our newborn is precious and wonderful. My wife is very concerned about making sure I have what I need, but I don’t really know what to tell her when she asks how she can help me. She understands the pressures put on new moms and women in general and basically handles everything with our toddler, rocks the baby back to sleep at night after feedings and takes care of household stuff when she’s not at work (she’ll be home again part time in a couple of weeks though the end of the year).
I am spending a lot of time thinking about my current state, but I realize I’m only three weeks postpartum and it’s still early. This all just feels like such a gray area. So, is this all normal and just different from what I experienced with my first kid? Or not? What can I tell my wife when she asks how she can help? What were your experiences?
Lastly, here's a throwaway email if you'd rather not publicly comment: anon103018@gmail.com. Thanks!
I was enamored with my first kid from the start and still am (she’s now 21 months). I did have baby blues for about two weeks after she was born that manifest as a feeling of loneliness as the sun went down, but it was short-lived every time it happened and it dissipated right around the two-week mark.
I feel indifferent toward my second kid. I don't mind taking care of her--nursing, changing diapers, rocking her is all fine, but pretty much nothing she does makes me feel anything. I feel on the verge of tears for no real reason a few times a day, but I don't actually spend much time crying. Sometimes I will leave her in her bassinet crying while I go take care of something else for a few minutes even though I know she needs something (I always return to give her what she needs but I don't feel in a hurry). Sleep has been ok--I deal with lack of sleep better than most and don’t feel excessively tired, but there’s no question I’m still tired. I have trouble taking naps because my mind is racing. I have less anxiety in general about something randomly happening to the second baby than I did with my first kid. I am irritable toward family that’s in town to help, but I don’t feel irritable toward my spouse who is sharing the parenting load. I think I'm eating less than I should be.
I’ve had one scary vision where I saw myself drop my oldest kid over a railing. I had the vision about a month before the second kid was born. At that time I thought about it as an isolated thing. I haven’t had it again but I have thought a fair amount about the fact that I had the scary vision, though less this week than last week. I also have caught my mind wandering to situations where my oldest child dies in unlikely accidents—in the shower (not bath), being bitten by a snake, etc., but I don't have that issue with my second kid. This week I was on a walk near a lake with the newborn and thought about how I could just push the stroller into the lake and nothing is stopping me but myself. It wasn’t something I actually wanted to do but more of a thing where I thought to myself, “this would be so easy and it’s scary that it would be so easy.”
And to be clear—I do not even remotely want to harm myself or either of my children! I also am already seeking help from a therapist and saw my OB who prescribed a low dose of Zoloft but seemed to think I could also continue with the therapist and not go on meds if I preferred that. It’s also clear that we’ve needed to amp up the support in other ways so I’ve joined two mom’s groups (one starting this week, another starting next week), I’ve talked to my sister and a couple of close friends who have kids about how I’m feeling, I’m continuing with the therapist once a week and we’ve hired a postpartum doula to help for a couple nights a week to help make sure I’m getting at least some sleep. I am also going to start a postpartum workout group next month (I legit enjoy working out for my sanity).
My wife and I communicate well and are open with each other but she doesn’t know how to respond and feels sad when I tell her I’m indifferent toward our newest kid, especially because she thinks our newborn is precious and wonderful. My wife is very concerned about making sure I have what I need, but I don’t really know what to tell her when she asks how she can help me. She understands the pressures put on new moms and women in general and basically handles everything with our toddler, rocks the baby back to sleep at night after feedings and takes care of household stuff when she’s not at work (she’ll be home again part time in a couple of weeks though the end of the year).
I am spending a lot of time thinking about my current state, but I realize I’m only three weeks postpartum and it’s still early. This all just feels like such a gray area. So, is this all normal and just different from what I experienced with my first kid? Or not? What can I tell my wife when she asks how she can help? What were your experiences?
Lastly, here's a throwaway email if you'd rather not publicly comment: anon103018@gmail.com. Thanks!
I can't speak directly to your experience, but the MeFi Wiki ThereIsHelp page has a section for postpartum depression, including links to past AskMe threads and additional resources.
posted by Little Dawn at 11:03 AM on October 31, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Little Dawn at 11:03 AM on October 31, 2018 [1 favorite]
This definitely feels like PPD (with perhaps a smattering of postpartum/perinatal OCD, regarding the thoughts about your older child and also the image of pushing the stroller in a lake). You are not alone, and these thoughts/feelings don't mean anything about your abilities as a mother or your eventual relationship with your children. I think reading more about PPD/P-OCD is good, as is talking openly and honestly about your feelings (from what I've learned, the worst is for new moms to feel isolated or ashamed about these experiences).
The love and connection to your child will grow with time. Keep trying to spend quality time with her, but also keep taking care of yourself. I'm glad you have a supportive spouse. Best wishes to all of you.
posted by Bebo at 11:47 AM on October 31, 2018 [3 favorites]
The love and connection to your child will grow with time. Keep trying to spend quality time with her, but also keep taking care of yourself. I'm glad you have a supportive spouse. Best wishes to all of you.
posted by Bebo at 11:47 AM on October 31, 2018 [3 favorites]
The stroller in the lake thing sounds almost like a parent version of the call of the void, which is a fairly normal phenomenon, if that helps.
posted by Weeping_angel at 12:15 PM on October 31, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by Weeping_angel at 12:15 PM on October 31, 2018 [4 favorites]
If, by any chance, you're taking prepared placenta as a post-birth tonic, stop. For many women the reaction to taking them is a magnification of anxiety and depression and also sleep disturbance. But, I agree that this sounds like PPD and you're doing the right things. With treatment and support, you'll feel very differently about your newborn. Congratulations and good luck.
posted by quince at 12:30 PM on October 31, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by quince at 12:30 PM on October 31, 2018 [1 favorite]
Wow, I've not had a baby, but I have decades of experience with depression, and this part of your post really stuck out to me:
I feel indifferent toward my second kid. I don't mind taking care of her--nursing, changing diapers, rocking her is all fine, but pretty much nothing she does makes me feel anything. I feel on the verge of tears for no real reason a few times a day, but I don't actually spend much time crying.
This all sounds like hella depression to me. It's not always "I'm sad," sometimes it's just "I'm...nothing."
posted by fiercecupcake at 12:41 PM on October 31, 2018 [6 favorites]
I feel indifferent toward my second kid. I don't mind taking care of her--nursing, changing diapers, rocking her is all fine, but pretty much nothing she does makes me feel anything. I feel on the verge of tears for no real reason a few times a day, but I don't actually spend much time crying.
This all sounds like hella depression to me. It's not always "I'm sad," sometimes it's just "I'm...nothing."
posted by fiercecupcake at 12:41 PM on October 31, 2018 [6 favorites]
This really does strike a chord as PPD to me. Don't understate your feelings,raising a new born is incredibly hard work, but I think some extra help is warranted.
It's great you're seeing a doctor and therapist. I would suggest you ask your wife to take more time off work if it's financially doable so she can help it a bit more and you can spend more time outside the baby rearing bubble which is super intense, and hopefully the days won't feel quite so long.
I personally believe these feelings are way, way more common than society is prepared to talk about.
Hang in there op, you're doing so great.
posted by smoke at 1:20 PM on October 31, 2018 [2 favorites]
It's great you're seeing a doctor and therapist. I would suggest you ask your wife to take more time off work if it's financially doable so she can help it a bit more and you can spend more time outside the baby rearing bubble which is super intense, and hopefully the days won't feel quite so long.
I personally believe these feelings are way, way more common than society is prepared to talk about.
Hang in there op, you're doing so great.
posted by smoke at 1:20 PM on October 31, 2018 [2 favorites]
Here's a great piece recently published by Stat about depression creeping up on a mother in ways she didn't expect.
posted by msbrauer at 1:38 PM on October 31, 2018
posted by msbrauer at 1:38 PM on October 31, 2018
I also came in to mention P-OCD. I have OCD regularly so I was expecting some of it when my child (almost a year old now) was born, but those kind of intrusive thoughts you mention - the image of dropping a child over the railing or into a lake - are awful. I find them to be either terrifying, or not terrifying and then terrifying that I’m not terrified. It’s just so unfun.
Couple thoughts: the gold standard for OCD is cognitive-behavioral therapy, so you might talk to your therapist about that. I didn’t actually read these (I haven’t had time!) but I got the Kindle sample of Dropping the Baby and Other Scary Thoughts (no clue why it’s so expensive! Maybe there are used copies for cheaper?) and bought The Pregnancy and Postpartum Anxiety Workbook, which both appear to cover intrusive thoughts. I also find, as much as possible, distraction, self-care/self-kindness, and a refusal to engage with the thoughts helpful. For that last I usually just try to think something short like, “Nope, I’m a good mom and I’m not going to do that!” and then move on to something distracting rather than dwelling on the thought or image (easier said than done a lot of the time!).
As far as your wife, I agree it might be helpful for her to take more time off work if possible. My husband will take the baby for a few hours on the weekends and have me get out of the house for self-care (massages, seeing friends, or just time alone at a cafe to play on my phone). I don’t know if you have family that could come visit for a few days to a week and stay with you, but I’ve found having someone around during the day really helpful too, and your wife could maybe help arrange that.
It definitely sounds like there’s some PPD going on too, but I know less about that.
Good luck, hang in there (you’re doing awesome!), and MeMail me if you want to chat!
posted by bananacabana at 7:27 PM on October 31, 2018
Couple thoughts: the gold standard for OCD is cognitive-behavioral therapy, so you might talk to your therapist about that. I didn’t actually read these (I haven’t had time!) but I got the Kindle sample of Dropping the Baby and Other Scary Thoughts (no clue why it’s so expensive! Maybe there are used copies for cheaper?) and bought The Pregnancy and Postpartum Anxiety Workbook, which both appear to cover intrusive thoughts. I also find, as much as possible, distraction, self-care/self-kindness, and a refusal to engage with the thoughts helpful. For that last I usually just try to think something short like, “Nope, I’m a good mom and I’m not going to do that!” and then move on to something distracting rather than dwelling on the thought or image (easier said than done a lot of the time!).
As far as your wife, I agree it might be helpful for her to take more time off work if possible. My husband will take the baby for a few hours on the weekends and have me get out of the house for self-care (massages, seeing friends, or just time alone at a cafe to play on my phone). I don’t know if you have family that could come visit for a few days to a week and stay with you, but I’ve found having someone around during the day really helpful too, and your wife could maybe help arrange that.
It definitely sounds like there’s some PPD going on too, but I know less about that.
Good luck, hang in there (you’re doing awesome!), and MeMail me if you want to chat!
posted by bananacabana at 7:27 PM on October 31, 2018
PPD, friend. Talk to your doc about this. It's super normal, but needs to be addressed.
posted by Toddles at 8:51 PM on October 31, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by Toddles at 8:51 PM on October 31, 2018 [2 favorites]
So what you describe definitely could be PPD, but I also want to emphasize that you do not need a PPD diagnosis for it to be okay to not feel an immediate rush of love for the baby right off the bat. You've just met face-to-face! It's absolutely okay for a new parent not to experience love at first sight. The instantaneous hormonal rush of love some parents experience right after birth is nice for some people, but it's not the kind of parental love that matters - that's something that develops over time as the two of you share experiences, and it will happen. Good luck.
posted by waffleriot at 10:12 AM on November 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by waffleriot at 10:12 AM on November 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
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The great thing is that you've reached out for emotional support from family and friends, and medical support from your therapist. If this is PPD - and it does sound like it is - you're on the right course to feeling more like yourself. There's nothing wrong with how you're feeling. It's your brain chemistry, not within your control. It's not even out of the ordinary to be diagnosed with PPD with your second and not your first. You're doing all the right things and it sounds like you have an amazing support system.
posted by Everydayville at 11:01 AM on October 31, 2018 [8 favorites]