Potential mentor didn't respond after introduction. What's polite?
October 30, 2018 9:32 PM Subscribe
A friend of mine introduced me to a potential mentor after getting their permission to do so, and after they offered to take an introductory meeting. I followed up to the intro within a day: Dropped the introducer to bcc:, thanked the person for their generosity, mentioned my general availability over the next couple of weeks, and expressed a lot of flexibility. They haven't responded. I'm not sure what the polite thing to do is.
I'm assuming, since this wasn't a cold introduction, and since my friend assured me that this person offered to meet with me, that a followup wouldn't be out of line in case I ended up in a spam folder, etc. I guess I'm just looking for the words to use to follow up, and if there's anything else I should be thinking about handling this in the event they never respond, etc. fwiw, it's been about a week since I replied to the initial introduction.
I'm assuming, since this wasn't a cold introduction, and since my friend assured me that this person offered to meet with me, that a followup wouldn't be out of line in case I ended up in a spam folder, etc. I guess I'm just looking for the words to use to follow up, and if there's anything else I should be thinking about handling this in the event they never respond, etc. fwiw, it's been about a week since I replied to the initial introduction.
Best answer: I'm wincing as I write this, thinking about the potential mentee who wrote me three weeks ago and to whom I never responded.
Assume the person is busy. Give them another week or two, and then politely try again. "Hi, this is mph again, I'm sorry to chase you since I know how busy you are. But if it's still okay to meet up, I wanted to let you know I was flexible and available during the coming week. If you're too busy to meet in person, perhaps we can have a call?"
posted by frumiousb at 9:42 PM on October 30, 2018 [37 favorites]
Assume the person is busy. Give them another week or two, and then politely try again. "Hi, this is mph again, I'm sorry to chase you since I know how busy you are. But if it's still okay to meet up, I wanted to let you know I was flexible and available during the coming week. If you're too busy to meet in person, perhaps we can have a call?"
posted by frumiousb at 9:42 PM on October 30, 2018 [37 favorites]
Sadly, I think you should let it go and absolutely do not follow up. They’re busy, their cat just died, they have an intense deadline at work, they got a phone call while reading your email and forgot to answer - none of this and all of this can be true.
My suspicion is they will contact you at some point in the next two months. This person is a stranger and you should not follow up. Let them respond when they feel like they can devote time and effort into getting to know you. Until then, stay busy.
posted by jbenben at 9:44 PM on October 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
My suspicion is they will contact you at some point in the next two months. This person is a stranger and you should not follow up. Let them respond when they feel like they can devote time and effort into getting to know you. Until then, stay busy.
posted by jbenben at 9:44 PM on October 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
Agree with fromiousb that another follow up in a couple weeks or so makes sense. If it's in the back of their mind that they mean to respond but it's just number eleven on their list of ten things to do, then the follow up e-mail gives them an effortless way to finally get to it. (Without it they may be in a position where they wonder if you are still interested and they have less incentive than you to risk "being a bother" or getting turned down.)
posted by mark k at 9:59 PM on October 30, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by mark k at 9:59 PM on October 30, 2018 [7 favorites]
One week is not a long time to wait to get a response from a possible mentor - this person is volunteering their time and energy, and may be very busy. You have no idea what type of deadlines/stress/personal issues the person may be dealing with. I would wait at least 2 more weeks before pinging them again.
Also: How self-aware is your friend? I've had experiences where a friend/contact overstates their relationship with another person and/or makes huge promises about their ability to connect me with people. There is a possibility that this would-be mentor said yes merely to get your friend to stop asking, and does not actually want to be a mentor. Don't take it personally if they never respond to you, it's probably not about you at all.
Like jbenben said, stay busy - focus on your own work. Keep actively looking for mentors if this is something you want in your life! Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.
posted by rogerrogerwhatsyourrvectorvicto at 11:13 PM on October 30, 2018 [6 favorites]
Also: How self-aware is your friend? I've had experiences where a friend/contact overstates their relationship with another person and/or makes huge promises about their ability to connect me with people. There is a possibility that this would-be mentor said yes merely to get your friend to stop asking, and does not actually want to be a mentor. Don't take it personally if they never respond to you, it's probably not about you at all.
Like jbenben said, stay busy - focus on your own work. Keep actively looking for mentors if this is something you want in your life! Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.
posted by rogerrogerwhatsyourrvectorvicto at 11:13 PM on October 30, 2018 [6 favorites]
Academic here, and it’s PhD application season. I wish I had a dime for every brokered contact some friend has sent my way, cc’d of course, requiring an initial polite reply.
I am currently several hundred emails behind in replying to PhD program inquiries or follow ups.
Assume the person is busy. Just write that you’re following up about scheduling an appointment. Don’t accuse them even implicitly of blowing you off. Nothing stimulates aversion to response as much as a guilt trip from someone who isn’t entitled to your time.
posted by spitbull at 3:59 AM on October 31, 2018 [5 favorites]
I am currently several hundred emails behind in replying to PhD program inquiries or follow ups.
Assume the person is busy. Just write that you’re following up about scheduling an appointment. Don’t accuse them even implicitly of blowing you off. Nothing stimulates aversion to response as much as a guilt trip from someone who isn’t entitled to your time.
posted by spitbull at 3:59 AM on October 31, 2018 [5 favorites]
Wait another two weeks and send a short email mid-week (Wednesday) saying "Hi there X, do you have any availability on _______ date (that week) or _______ date (the next week) for a 15-minute coffee meeting at _______ (location convenient to them). I'd love to hear about _______ (whatever it is you're looking for).
Don't cc your friend on it. If you hear nothing back after a month you can let your friend know they never followed up but don't make a big deal about it.
Sometimes people get cornered into being mentors/contacts but don't actually want to serve as that role, or because they are an obvious choice they do too much of it. It happened to a colleague recently, they were asked if they knew someone, indicated yes, and next thing they knew they had an email asking them to connect with that person for some sort of mentoring or career connection, my colleague was not enthused as she hadn't been asked about her interest before the connection email was sent to her and the potential mentee. I can think of another colleague who gets pulled all the time to serve as a mentor to business students but should really start saying no because of how much of a distraction it is from their work. Just remember that most successful people who work in corporate roles are up to their ears in meetings and distractions already so it's not that they don't want to help it's that they can't get their own work done when spend most of their time in meetings.
posted by lafemma at 5:15 AM on October 31, 2018 [5 favorites]
Don't cc your friend on it. If you hear nothing back after a month you can let your friend know they never followed up but don't make a big deal about it.
Sometimes people get cornered into being mentors/contacts but don't actually want to serve as that role, or because they are an obvious choice they do too much of it. It happened to a colleague recently, they were asked if they knew someone, indicated yes, and next thing they knew they had an email asking them to connect with that person for some sort of mentoring or career connection, my colleague was not enthused as she hadn't been asked about her interest before the connection email was sent to her and the potential mentee. I can think of another colleague who gets pulled all the time to serve as a mentor to business students but should really start saying no because of how much of a distraction it is from their work. Just remember that most successful people who work in corporate roles are up to their ears in meetings and distractions already so it's not that they don't want to help it's that they can't get their own work done when spend most of their time in meetings.
posted by lafemma at 5:15 AM on October 31, 2018 [5 favorites]
Dropped the introducer to bcc:, thanked the person for their generosity, mentioned my general availability over the next couple of weeks, and expressed a lot of flexibility.
I get these once in a while. Your description of what you sent sounds like you were hinting for an invitation; when I get an email like that, I just file it and figure that if the person really wants to meet, they will follow up with a specific request. Unless I owe your friend a big favor, I'm not going to reach out and set up a meeting with someone who is looking to get something from me, that is their job to do.
At least in my case, I'd prefer to get an email like lafemma's template just above: tell me what you want (eg, meet for coffee to discuss XYZ), propose some dates/times/location, and give me an easy way to follow up. I've had a few of these in the last couple of years turn very quickly into clumsy attempts to push for an immediate job opportunity, which has kind of left a bad taste in my mouth about the whole thing -- I'll still say yes when contacted, but I wish people were more often better prepped and advised.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:14 AM on October 31, 2018 [2 favorites]
I get these once in a while. Your description of what you sent sounds like you were hinting for an invitation; when I get an email like that, I just file it and figure that if the person really wants to meet, they will follow up with a specific request. Unless I owe your friend a big favor, I'm not going to reach out and set up a meeting with someone who is looking to get something from me, that is their job to do.
At least in my case, I'd prefer to get an email like lafemma's template just above: tell me what you want (eg, meet for coffee to discuss XYZ), propose some dates/times/location, and give me an easy way to follow up. I've had a few of these in the last couple of years turn very quickly into clumsy attempts to push for an immediate job opportunity, which has kind of left a bad taste in my mouth about the whole thing -- I'll still say yes when contacted, but I wish people were more often better prepped and advised.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:14 AM on October 31, 2018 [2 favorites]
I used to get a lot of this sort of intro made to me when I was working in a position where it appeared I could be very useful to others. People would sometimes, but not always, ask offline first when wanting me to help their friends; more often I'd get an email from an acquaintance saying "F&T, I thought you'd be a great source of insight for my friend Bob, I'll let you take it from here!" I was not in fact in a position to help these people and even if I were, what was proposed was never something reciprocal that incentivized me to get involved; it was always "can you take time out from your already challenging job responsibilities to help my friend?"
So this person might just be busy or out of town, and it's not unreasonable to follow up in a couple weeks, in a polite way, to find out if that's the case. But if they don't respond, or respond to say "I'm busy, maybe we can meet up one of these days when I get less busy" you can assume that their interest in mentoring was overstated by your mutual friend.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:28 AM on October 31, 2018 [1 favorite]
So this person might just be busy or out of town, and it's not unreasonable to follow up in a couple weeks, in a polite way, to find out if that's the case. But if they don't respond, or respond to say "I'm busy, maybe we can meet up one of these days when I get less busy" you can assume that their interest in mentoring was overstated by your mutual friend.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:28 AM on October 31, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Allow more time. I get these kinds of requests and I'm just very busy - not just busy like "I have a lot of meetings" but busy like "..and I'm working on several concurrent projects with deadlines coming up soon and I really have to triage the inbox and deal with only the highest and most urgent work priorities." You're on their timeline, not your timeline. Follow up after 2 weeks (using a forward to include your older email" and just say you are checking in again and understand that they're very busy, and here are some times/days you can be available in case the person has a window.
If no response, move on to someone else - but at the same time, don't be surprised if you get an email response in a month with profuse apologies that they are just catching up on their inbox.
posted by Miko at 6:59 AM on October 31, 2018 [1 favorite]
If no response, move on to someone else - but at the same time, don't be surprised if you get an email response in a month with profuse apologies that they are just catching up on their inbox.
posted by Miko at 6:59 AM on October 31, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks, everybody, for the range of responses. I will sit tight for a bit. On reflection, I think my sense of urgency came from the fact that I periodically meet with the friend who made the introduction and hadn't formed a thought about how to deal with them asking if I ever heard back from that potential mentor.
posted by mph at 9:10 AM on November 1, 2018
posted by mph at 9:10 AM on November 1, 2018
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posted by AlexiaSky at 9:42 PM on October 30, 2018 [3 favorites]