How do I deal with my ejaculation? Logistics.
October 26, 2018 11:21 PM   Subscribe

I'm a 48-year-old woman who's been single for eight years.

All the orgasms I've had in my life up until recently have been an intense flash of pleasure followed by some tremors and then a very sensitive vulva.

In the last six months or so my orgasms have changed. First, I'm horny all the time. I masturbate at least two or three times an evening but the orgasm isn't a flash anymore, it's a long sequence of 5-second-long mini-orgasms.

But when I cum I just spray liquid everywhere - it's not pee but has a faint smell of pee.

My question is this: my bed and my desk chair and my clothes and my towels and my stretchy pants and my slippers are all wet from this liquid and laundry costs $3 a load.... how do I contain this? Or clean this? Or somehow avoid squirting in the first place?
posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (8 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite

Oh gosh, anon answer would be nice but here goes.

Specific towel. Mop up as required. Be naked, if possible. Re-use towel as possible, this really cuts down on washing. It's better to wash a towel than to need to wash all the sheets.
posted by freethefeet at 11:39 PM on October 26, 2018 [1 favorite]

For easier clean-up of any sex-related liquids one might encounter, use a picnic blanket underneath the relevant bum(s). There *are* actual "sex blankets" one could buy, but they tend to be very expensive. A picnic blanket is usually soft on one side with a water-proof type layer on the other. Voila! ;p
posted by Halo in reverse at 12:06 AM on October 27, 2018 [6 favorites]

Empty your bladder before you start masturbating or having sex, and have a few towels you put underneath you. You can get a waterproof mattress liner to put under those if it would help.

To clean: there’s enzymatic pet stain cleaner that’s good at removing urine smells. Look for it with pet supplies at the grocery store.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:41 AM on October 27, 2018 [3 favorites]

If you want to try a sex blanket, I strongly recommend the "fascinator throw" (or "throe" as a brand name, I think?). They're pricey, but feel nice and very effective as long as they're strategically placed. Apparently you can even buy them through Target, but probably not in the store.

If you want to go cheaper and more utilitarian, there's something like this that is marketed for incontinence rather than adult fun times.

Or go even cheaper and get the outdoor blanket. As a bonus, you now have a great blanket for sitting on the ground or outdoors. Suitable for solo activities, but it's a bit crinkly IMO for couples. In my experience this one isn't completely waterproof but it'll do the job if you don't leave it sitting for too long after it gets wet.

(Sadly, that last bit of knowledge is not related to any adult shenanigans, but because I was using the stadium blanket to cover a seat favored by my oldest cat that I suspected my newest cat would try to spray on. I was right. It did the trick, but I suspect it would have leaked given a few hours.)

@bluedaisy is right about emptying your bladder, in my second-hand experience. It won't necessarily mean no spray, but it can cut down on volume.
posted by jzb at 4:57 AM on October 27, 2018

Can you change your routine so you’re masturbating in the shower/bath?
posted by coppermoss at 5:21 AM on October 27, 2018

I can confirm that the type of incontinence blankets jzb links, while not very sexy, are excellent for this purpose. They're comfier if you put a soft towel over top of them.
posted by ITheCosmos at 7:05 AM on October 27, 2018

Maybe puppy pee pads will do the trick? Cheap, absorbent, disposable, have a reasonably soft surface.
posted by Fig at 8:19 AM on October 27, 2018

Mod note: This is an answer from an anonymous commenter.
I asked a kinky friend of mine and she says:
All kinky people she knows, use these: A World Of Deals Disposable Blue Underpad 23 X 36, 150/Case
posted by cortex (staff) at 8:46 PM on October 28, 2018

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