tfw your sounding board is the topic of your askme
October 26, 2018 3:16 AM Subscribe
An online friend of mine recently admitted they had an romantic interest in me. It was always a fear, in the back of my mind, that something like this would come to pass. I don't know what I'm even asking anymore but I would like some advice.
To put things into some context, we've known each other for close to two years.
I don't know how to proceed from here. While I've resolved to remain friends with him on the understanding that I'm not looking for a relationship and he not being ready for one, I don't know that the status quo will continue indefinitely without this one day requiring some manner of acknowledgment.
But I've been handling my feelings about it very badly. It's gone and turned into a catalyst that has dredged up a whole bunch of unrelated thoughts that tie into my ongoing self-worth issues. It tripped me up that he has romantic feelings for me; at one point I was questioning his motivations for becoming friends with me, and re-evaluating the reason why he gave me all his time, energy, and patience.
Most likely it started off as a plain old friendship; I have to extend that goodwill, or the basis of our relationship falls apart. I don't want to believe that he sought me out to score a potential love interest, and that it did indeed begin with what amounts to a kinship of like minds, though his perception of exactly how alike we are seems highly idealized.
But on some level, this change just hurts. It's not how I want to be thought of.
The problem is, this isn't something people can control. I can't fault him for his emotions; to do so would be to deny him the right to his feelings. All in all, though I don't want to ruin things for myself, I also don't want to ruin it for him. For all I know, it could be uncomfortable for him as well.
He understood me as someone isolated who needed someone to talk to, and it would seem our relationship started on that kind of footing. I don't know if he still understands that to be the case -- that I spent time with him because I was trying to give back what he gave me. Was it mixed signalling on my part? I was just trying to be a friend.
Since I started talking regularly to him he had been tremendously beneficial to my mental health in many ways. Basically, putting up with me in spite of my foibles -- even when I was being a weird, anxiety-ridden mess. I owe him.
Thanks to him I feel as though I had found something close to what may amount to self-confidence. It's still uncomfortable going and I still feel very tentative about it all sometimes, but with him I found the space and the inclination to at least try for things I'd have denied myself otherwise.
But if the price was to have someone fall in love with me romantically, I don't know that I have the heart to face that. I respect that it has come to pass, and there's no going back, but it makes me grieve for reasons I can't fully articulate.
I've always felt that I was taking advantage of him in some way. But factoring in romantic feelings just makes it worse. Not only do I have to contend with the concept that I'm taking advantage of his time and energy, I have to contend with the concept that, any reciprocal action I have to offer, someday might be seen as romantic interest on my part.
A romance is something I can't provide; it's not something I can give. If, one day, he wishes for our relationship to go in that direction, it's the one thing I can't offer in return. Because it's not central to my identity I haven't explored my preferences in depth, but I may be non-heterosexual on top of being possibly gender-fluid. There are additional roadblocks, that have little to do with me personally, but I won't go into them in too much detail.
It would take some time and effort to bring my immediate family around. To go through the hassle, it would have to be something I really want. They would never readily get on board with it; they distrust the internet implicitly. Much of my life was spent on the internet, so this is something I have to regularly reconcile.
I realize I may be taking things too seriously. But when it comes to how people feel, I'd rather err on the side of too careful than too harsh.
With my online friend, what sort of boundaries should I consider? I'm not the best at setting these.
Should I bring up the subject and address it, or should I just let it go until it comes up on its own?
Is there anything I might have missed that you think I should keep in mind?
To put things into some context, we've known each other for close to two years.
I don't know how to proceed from here. While I've resolved to remain friends with him on the understanding that I'm not looking for a relationship and he not being ready for one, I don't know that the status quo will continue indefinitely without this one day requiring some manner of acknowledgment.
But I've been handling my feelings about it very badly. It's gone and turned into a catalyst that has dredged up a whole bunch of unrelated thoughts that tie into my ongoing self-worth issues. It tripped me up that he has romantic feelings for me; at one point I was questioning his motivations for becoming friends with me, and re-evaluating the reason why he gave me all his time, energy, and patience.
Most likely it started off as a plain old friendship; I have to extend that goodwill, or the basis of our relationship falls apart. I don't want to believe that he sought me out to score a potential love interest, and that it did indeed begin with what amounts to a kinship of like minds, though his perception of exactly how alike we are seems highly idealized.
But on some level, this change just hurts. It's not how I want to be thought of.
The problem is, this isn't something people can control. I can't fault him for his emotions; to do so would be to deny him the right to his feelings. All in all, though I don't want to ruin things for myself, I also don't want to ruin it for him. For all I know, it could be uncomfortable for him as well.
He understood me as someone isolated who needed someone to talk to, and it would seem our relationship started on that kind of footing. I don't know if he still understands that to be the case -- that I spent time with him because I was trying to give back what he gave me. Was it mixed signalling on my part? I was just trying to be a friend.
Since I started talking regularly to him he had been tremendously beneficial to my mental health in many ways. Basically, putting up with me in spite of my foibles -- even when I was being a weird, anxiety-ridden mess. I owe him.
Thanks to him I feel as though I had found something close to what may amount to self-confidence. It's still uncomfortable going and I still feel very tentative about it all sometimes, but with him I found the space and the inclination to at least try for things I'd have denied myself otherwise.
But if the price was to have someone fall in love with me romantically, I don't know that I have the heart to face that. I respect that it has come to pass, and there's no going back, but it makes me grieve for reasons I can't fully articulate.
I've always felt that I was taking advantage of him in some way. But factoring in romantic feelings just makes it worse. Not only do I have to contend with the concept that I'm taking advantage of his time and energy, I have to contend with the concept that, any reciprocal action I have to offer, someday might be seen as romantic interest on my part.
A romance is something I can't provide; it's not something I can give. If, one day, he wishes for our relationship to go in that direction, it's the one thing I can't offer in return. Because it's not central to my identity I haven't explored my preferences in depth, but I may be non-heterosexual on top of being possibly gender-fluid. There are additional roadblocks, that have little to do with me personally, but I won't go into them in too much detail.
It would take some time and effort to bring my immediate family around. To go through the hassle, it would have to be something I really want. They would never readily get on board with it; they distrust the internet implicitly. Much of my life was spent on the internet, so this is something I have to regularly reconcile.
I realize I may be taking things too seriously. But when it comes to how people feel, I'd rather err on the side of too careful than too harsh.
With my online friend, what sort of boundaries should I consider? I'm not the best at setting these.
Should I bring up the subject and address it, or should I just let it go until it comes up on its own?
Is there anything I might have missed that you think I should keep in mind?
Best answer: There's a huge amount riding on this friendship for you. His revelation seems to have thrown a lot of things up for you, really heavy stuff! You've tied up your sense of self-worth and your self-confidence in this relationship. Your trust in friendships, both in terms of trusting other people and yourself. Your relationship with your family. Your relationship to the internet. Your sexuality and gender identity.
It's no wonder you're feeling a lot about this situation! Be kind to yourself. Also maybe consider trying to expand your social network. It's not sustainable to have one friendship be the only place that nurtures you and gives you a sense of self-confidence and space for exploration. In fact, this might be a good trigger for you to realise how much you've put into this one friendship, and try to find other people and other relationships you can explore yourself within.
A good friend of mine confessed feelings for me this year. It threw me for a loop and did make me question things like their motivation and mine, was I subliminally encouraging them, was I misreading things, what would this mean for our friendship, etc. etc. I also grieved for the change their confession had on what had been an uncomplicated friendship. Ultimately though, I knew that they were entitled to express their feelings, and so was I- that I was not romantically interested in them and just wanted to continue being their close friend. I said this and after a few awkward moments, we've recovered what we had before.
I think you should acknowledge this, and kindly and clearly communicate to your friend that you love and appreciate their friendship, but that you're not interested in a romantic connection with them. If they are a good person they will understand this kind rejection and you two can take it from there. I wouldn't pre-empt needing to draw huge boundaries initially. Trust yourself and your friend to have an adult conversation about this and figure out together how to proceed.
Sweeping it under the carpet will result in awkwardness, angst, and will make you doubt and read into all of their actions and your own, forever.
posted by mymbleth at 3:56 AM on October 26, 2018 [5 favorites]
It's no wonder you're feeling a lot about this situation! Be kind to yourself. Also maybe consider trying to expand your social network. It's not sustainable to have one friendship be the only place that nurtures you and gives you a sense of self-confidence and space for exploration. In fact, this might be a good trigger for you to realise how much you've put into this one friendship, and try to find other people and other relationships you can explore yourself within.
A good friend of mine confessed feelings for me this year. It threw me for a loop and did make me question things like their motivation and mine, was I subliminally encouraging them, was I misreading things, what would this mean for our friendship, etc. etc. I also grieved for the change their confession had on what had been an uncomplicated friendship. Ultimately though, I knew that they were entitled to express their feelings, and so was I- that I was not romantically interested in them and just wanted to continue being their close friend. I said this and after a few awkward moments, we've recovered what we had before.
I think you should acknowledge this, and kindly and clearly communicate to your friend that you love and appreciate their friendship, but that you're not interested in a romantic connection with them. If they are a good person they will understand this kind rejection and you two can take it from there. I wouldn't pre-empt needing to draw huge boundaries initially. Trust yourself and your friend to have an adult conversation about this and figure out together how to proceed.
Sweeping it under the carpet will result in awkwardness, angst, and will make you doubt and read into all of their actions and your own, forever.
posted by mymbleth at 3:56 AM on October 26, 2018 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I was good friends with a woman I had a romantic interest in for five or six years before I confessed my interest. She said she wasn’t interested, which was disappointing but really not the end of the world. I moved my romantic interests elsewhere and we’ve remained good friends for the ensuing thirty years with nary a bit of romance in sight.
The narrative of tragic unrequited love runs pretty deep in our culture, but mostly because it’s a good story. Truly obsessed suitors become stalkers; the vast majority of people just move along.
So yes, of course talk to him. Tell him you’re not interested in romance, and do yourselves both the favor of not trying to "soften the blow". The nicest way you can handle the situation is to be very clear and very consistent about how you feel.
> I owe him
Uch. It makes me shiver to read those words in a relationship question. Just. Don’t. Go. There.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:22 AM on October 26, 2018 [14 favorites]
The narrative of tragic unrequited love runs pretty deep in our culture, but mostly because it’s a good story. Truly obsessed suitors become stalkers; the vast majority of people just move along.
So yes, of course talk to him. Tell him you’re not interested in romance, and do yourselves both the favor of not trying to "soften the blow". The nicest way you can handle the situation is to be very clear and very consistent about how you feel.
> I owe him
Uch. It makes me shiver to read those words in a relationship question. Just. Don’t. Go. There.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:22 AM on October 26, 2018 [14 favorites]
Best answer: Most likely it started off as a plain old friendship; I have to extend that goodwill, or the basis of our relationship falls apart. I don't want to believe that he sought me out to score a potential love interest, and that it did indeed begin with what amounts to a kinship of like minds
I'd just say that it might not have been so black and white--he might have become your friend for the same reason he's attracted to you romantically. In any case, his reaction to your boundary-setting may reveal how much he values your friendship vs. the potential for a love interest.
posted by benbenson at 8:45 AM on October 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
I'd just say that it might not have been so black and white--he might have become your friend for the same reason he's attracted to you romantically. In any case, his reaction to your boundary-setting may reveal how much he values your friendship vs. the potential for a love interest.
posted by benbenson at 8:45 AM on October 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
I owe him.
No you do not. Friendship is not transactional.
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:26 AM on October 26, 2018 [7 favorites]
No you do not. Friendship is not transactional.
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:26 AM on October 26, 2018 [7 favorites]
Best answer: I owe him.
Nope. He's in a tough and vulnerable spot here but you are not, necessarily. You can tell him in whatever way is useful for you "I care about you a lot but I do not have feelings for you in that way" and you can talk about it (briefly) and then you go into the phase I call Loving Broken Record if he brings it up again."I care about you a lot but I do not have feelings for you in that way" "I care about you a lot but I do not have feelings for you in that way"
Because, realistically, some people handle the news that their feelings are unrequited well and some do not. You don't know what kind of person your friend is. And so you have to wait, which can be scary. But realistically, if you want to be transactional about this, you hold the power in this situation. You can be gracious and try to be kind to your friend about this because they're in a vulnerable place and this is what I would suggest. No one can make you be in a relationship with them. If this isn't a relationship you want to pursue further, romantically, just, kindly, say no.
And also it's tough because this is a thing you may not be able to help your friend with. Sometimes the fail mode of this sort of revelation is a lot of "BUT WHY???" questioning, or a lot of "But I want to talk about the time you said this one thing that made me feel that you were interested in me and that is why I've had these feelings for so long" If you're a woman on the internet, you have had these conversations with online friends, or also "friends" SO maybe think about how you truly feel because even if you decide you want to continue this friendship, and it sounds like you would like to, you can still establish boundaries around a possible romantic attachment. So no means no and if your friend isn't respecting thoseboundaries, that is not a very friendly action.
I'm sorry if I am sounding a lot like your friend is being transgressive when it sounds like so far he is not, but sometimes men whose affections are unreturned can grow sour and it's worth it to at least know that might happen so you are not surprised if it does.
posted by jessamyn at 11:24 AM on October 26, 2018 [2 favorites]
Nope. He's in a tough and vulnerable spot here but you are not, necessarily. You can tell him in whatever way is useful for you "I care about you a lot but I do not have feelings for you in that way" and you can talk about it (briefly) and then you go into the phase I call Loving Broken Record if he brings it up again."I care about you a lot but I do not have feelings for you in that way" "I care about you a lot but I do not have feelings for you in that way"
Because, realistically, some people handle the news that their feelings are unrequited well and some do not. You don't know what kind of person your friend is. And so you have to wait, which can be scary. But realistically, if you want to be transactional about this, you hold the power in this situation. You can be gracious and try to be kind to your friend about this because they're in a vulnerable place and this is what I would suggest. No one can make you be in a relationship with them. If this isn't a relationship you want to pursue further, romantically, just, kindly, say no.
And also it's tough because this is a thing you may not be able to help your friend with. Sometimes the fail mode of this sort of revelation is a lot of "BUT WHY???" questioning, or a lot of "But I want to talk about the time you said this one thing that made me feel that you were interested in me and that is why I've had these feelings for so long" If you're a woman on the internet, you have had these conversations with online friends, or also "friends" SO maybe think about how you truly feel because even if you decide you want to continue this friendship, and it sounds like you would like to, you can still establish boundaries around a possible romantic attachment. So no means no and if your friend isn't respecting thoseboundaries, that is not a very friendly action.
I'm sorry if I am sounding a lot like your friend is being transgressive when it sounds like so far he is not, but sometimes men whose affections are unreturned can grow sour and it's worth it to at least know that might happen so you are not surprised if it does.
posted by jessamyn at 11:24 AM on October 26, 2018 [2 favorites]
putting up with me in spite of my foibles -- even when I was being a weird, anxiety-ridden mess. I owe him.
No. You befriended him. There is no owing in that situation.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:17 PM on October 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
No. You befriended him. There is no owing in that situation.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:17 PM on October 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks for the advice, shared experiences, and remarks; it was somewhat orienting. I'm not responding to some things directly but I've read it and thought it over.
> try to find other people and other relationships you can explore yourself within
I can't in good conscience talk to people with the intent of exploring who I am; no one has time for that. Of course, with no such outlet, consistently being told what I should be with little in the way of self-affirmation is, in itself, a bad situation to find oneself in. Well, sometimes it's just indifference rather than consistent messaging.
Of course, I would probably also say no one has time to waste on nurturing me or giving me self-confidence; it's a ludicrous response but it's where I'm at some days.
> Friendship is not transactional
> if you want to be transactional about this
I don't want to be transactional, exactly, it's just that I have a bad sense of how much is too much or not enough. Thinking of things in a 1:1 manner is a measuring stick of sorts and I know it's lazy, but sometimes I just don't know a better approach to things. I don't trust my gut to make the right call. Usually my problem is that I don't do enough, because my need to recharge overshadows my need to socialize.
> I owe him
> Just. Don’t. Go. There.
> There is no owing in that situation
I know -- it's true if that sentiment's left unchecked it doesn't have a good outcome. I understand acting on it unconditionally can lead to a toxic relationship. I can't stop myself from feeling that I owe people things, but I get it.
Thank you.
posted by quiet bayleef at 7:20 AM on November 5, 2018 [1 favorite]
> try to find other people and other relationships you can explore yourself within
I can't in good conscience talk to people with the intent of exploring who I am; no one has time for that. Of course, with no such outlet, consistently being told what I should be with little in the way of self-affirmation is, in itself, a bad situation to find oneself in. Well, sometimes it's just indifference rather than consistent messaging.
Of course, I would probably also say no one has time to waste on nurturing me or giving me self-confidence; it's a ludicrous response but it's where I'm at some days.
> Friendship is not transactional
> if you want to be transactional about this
I don't want to be transactional, exactly, it's just that I have a bad sense of how much is too much or not enough. Thinking of things in a 1:1 manner is a measuring stick of sorts and I know it's lazy, but sometimes I just don't know a better approach to things. I don't trust my gut to make the right call. Usually my problem is that I don't do enough, because my need to recharge overshadows my need to socialize.
> I owe him
> Just. Don’t. Go. There.
> There is no owing in that situation
I know -- it's true if that sentiment's left unchecked it doesn't have a good outcome. I understand acting on it unconditionally can lead to a toxic relationship. I can't stop myself from feeling that I owe people things, but I get it.
Thank you.
posted by quiet bayleef at 7:20 AM on November 5, 2018 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Either way I don't think you have to begin a huge project here about boundaries. Just don't lead him on. You can slowly cut down the amount of time you spend interacting, and don't encourage lines of conversation that become too intimate when you do talk. I don't think you need to make a big statement to him like you did here – just reduce the pressure.
posted by zadcat at 3:38 AM on October 26, 2018 [5 favorites]