Securely connect
October 23, 2018 10:23 AM Subscribe
Tell me about healthy, secure patterns of attachment early in relationships! Relatedly, how do you get beyond “burn it down and run away” impulses as somebody still healing from childhood trauma?
I’m trying very hard to be open and vulnerable, not hide my emotions, ask for what I need, and be a caring and attentive partner without Performing Best Me all the time. It’s going well! I really care about the person I’m with, we connect very well on many levels, and enjoy our time together!
But. I hit a new roadblock with sexual compatibility (it’s a moderate difference in preferences and energy level, I think we can work it out, but it’s a legitimate thing we’re going to need to figure out) and also some new scary meeting more of their friends events next week. And I’m totally glitching out! I’m not sure how to take in this new sexuality information, and so I’m running mental circles of like, here’s how we can talk about it, no if I’m having this problem I should just run away before it hurts too much, but I also trust working through things with them and find the wonderfully attractive and we do have quite a lovely spark), and then with the friends meeting stuff, which is totally fine in practice, I’m freaking out and being like I can’t do this, no of course I can do this, maybe I should just leave this career and town, aaaaahhhhh!!! As you can see, a mess.
I’d love to hear more about healthy folks would approach this kind of situation. You’ve been with someone who you are really drawn to and love your time together for about two months. There’s a moderate legitimate issue, but you think you can work it out. I did bring it up a bit with them, and our conversation was positive but didn’t fully address the problem, so I’m guessing the approach is just more talking and trying things together. But I dunno, I’m having trouble with this one, and could use some more general ideas about how to approach healthy connection at this phase of a relationship (as you can see by my feelings re: meeting their friends, I have some deeper problems with scanning for threat/feeling secure that stem in part from learned trauma responsive from a prolonged abusive situation in childhood).
FWIW, I see a therapist, and we’re going to talk about this more soon. I’ve been processing a lot of trauma in therapy lately and realizing how deeply I’m affected by security/anxiety about ambiguity/etc lately, which is why I partly framed this question around that.
Thank you thank you!!
I’m trying very hard to be open and vulnerable, not hide my emotions, ask for what I need, and be a caring and attentive partner without Performing Best Me all the time. It’s going well! I really care about the person I’m with, we connect very well on many levels, and enjoy our time together!
But. I hit a new roadblock with sexual compatibility (it’s a moderate difference in preferences and energy level, I think we can work it out, but it’s a legitimate thing we’re going to need to figure out) and also some new scary meeting more of their friends events next week. And I’m totally glitching out! I’m not sure how to take in this new sexuality information, and so I’m running mental circles of like, here’s how we can talk about it, no if I’m having this problem I should just run away before it hurts too much, but I also trust working through things with them and find the wonderfully attractive and we do have quite a lovely spark), and then with the friends meeting stuff, which is totally fine in practice, I’m freaking out and being like I can’t do this, no of course I can do this, maybe I should just leave this career and town, aaaaahhhhh!!! As you can see, a mess.
I’d love to hear more about healthy folks would approach this kind of situation. You’ve been with someone who you are really drawn to and love your time together for about two months. There’s a moderate legitimate issue, but you think you can work it out. I did bring it up a bit with them, and our conversation was positive but didn’t fully address the problem, so I’m guessing the approach is just more talking and trying things together. But I dunno, I’m having trouble with this one, and could use some more general ideas about how to approach healthy connection at this phase of a relationship (as you can see by my feelings re: meeting their friends, I have some deeper problems with scanning for threat/feeling secure that stem in part from learned trauma responsive from a prolonged abusive situation in childhood).
FWIW, I see a therapist, and we’re going to talk about this more soon. I’ve been processing a lot of trauma in therapy lately and realizing how deeply I’m affected by security/anxiety about ambiguity/etc lately, which is why I partly framed this question around that.
Thank you thank you!!
Whoa. So much to take in here. And it seems like some information is missing?
Are you trying to say that your new partner has shared he/she is poly or something, and you are meeting some other partners, and don't know how to take it all in?
if so- I am also on Team Too Soon.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 10:54 AM on October 23, 2018
Are you trying to say that your new partner has shared he/she is poly or something, and you are meeting some other partners, and don't know how to take it all in?
if so- I am also on Team Too Soon.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 10:54 AM on October 23, 2018
One thing that I find helpful is to talk explicitly about the talking itself. Like, I will tell a partner that I find talking about X difficult for Y reason but I'd like to try to talk anyway. I remind myself that I don't have to be some kind of super smooth Expert Communicator, I just have to try, and have to be willing to be as honest and upfront as I can. It's so much easier when you can talk about the communication itself. It gives you a way to address misunderstandings, check in about feelings and not just be guessing what the other person meant when they said X or Y.
Since you trust this person to communicate with you, could you try just telling them about the fact that you are having some anxiety and freaking out a bit about this? That might help ground things and bring you out of your solo spiraling.
I think of it this way: I want to trust my partner to be able to be loving and supportive of me, especially when it comes to things I am struggling with. If they are going to be able to do that, then it's good to start establishing that kind of communication early on. If they are not going to be able to do that, then it's good to find that out early on, so that I can move on and fine someone who will be able to give me that kind of love and support.
I don't think it's too early to meet their friends at all. In fact, it might be really useful to meet their friends as a way of retraining yourself to stop expecting betrayal and disaster. Maybe write down your fears and feelings about meeting their friends before you do so, and tell yourself you are going to approach it as an experiment to see how accurate your fears turn out to be. Then after you meet their friends, look back at your list and ask yourself how many of your fears came true. I am betting that almost none of them will come true. It's not like you are never again going to have to wrestle with the attachment issues you learned growing up, but maybe this can help be a data point so that talking yourself down next time is slightly easier.
Also though, it's okay to take things slow! You mentioned multiple meet-the-friends events coming up. What if you just went to one of them? That way you are still addressing your fears and moving forward with connecting with this person and their life, but it might be a bit less overwhelming to only have to talk yourself through one scary event instead of multiple ones.
It sounds to me like this is a lovely and healthy relationship so far, and it seems like you are doing valuable work in therapy and in your communication so far with this person. Good luck! You are doing everything right and you are going to be just fine.
posted by aka burlap at 10:56 AM on October 23, 2018 [10 favorites]
Since you trust this person to communicate with you, could you try just telling them about the fact that you are having some anxiety and freaking out a bit about this? That might help ground things and bring you out of your solo spiraling.
I think of it this way: I want to trust my partner to be able to be loving and supportive of me, especially when it comes to things I am struggling with. If they are going to be able to do that, then it's good to start establishing that kind of communication early on. If they are not going to be able to do that, then it's good to find that out early on, so that I can move on and fine someone who will be able to give me that kind of love and support.
I don't think it's too early to meet their friends at all. In fact, it might be really useful to meet their friends as a way of retraining yourself to stop expecting betrayal and disaster. Maybe write down your fears and feelings about meeting their friends before you do so, and tell yourself you are going to approach it as an experiment to see how accurate your fears turn out to be. Then after you meet their friends, look back at your list and ask yourself how many of your fears came true. I am betting that almost none of them will come true. It's not like you are never again going to have to wrestle with the attachment issues you learned growing up, but maybe this can help be a data point so that talking yourself down next time is slightly easier.
Also though, it's okay to take things slow! You mentioned multiple meet-the-friends events coming up. What if you just went to one of them? That way you are still addressing your fears and moving forward with connecting with this person and their life, but it might be a bit less overwhelming to only have to talk yourself through one scary event instead of multiple ones.
It sounds to me like this is a lovely and healthy relationship so far, and it seems like you are doing valuable work in therapy and in your communication so far with this person. Good luck! You are doing everything right and you are going to be just fine.
posted by aka burlap at 10:56 AM on October 23, 2018 [10 favorites]
The suggestion above to write down your fears and feelings is a good one! And one thing that helps me communicate with my partner is writing down some of the hard stuff. Maybe it's just sharing my fears or feelings, sometimes, maybe it's asking questions sometimes. That gives us each space to think and articulate hard stuff that can seem overwhelming in person. And of course we also communicate face to face, too, but sometimes with the deepest vulnerabilities having something in an email or such can be a big help.
posted by ldthomps at 11:40 AM on October 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by ldthomps at 11:40 AM on October 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
y'all kinda vague here but I think meeting the friends before establishing whether sex is gonna work out for the two of you is putting the cart before the horse -- that's an event that starts building ties into that person's life outside your dating bubble, but you still have unfinished business inside the bubble. does that make sense?
two months is early enough that it's totally legit to give any "I'm not ready for this" reactions you're having a fair hearing. it shouldn't be a problem if you want to postpone friend event stuff until you're on more solid footing.
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:41 AM on October 23, 2018
two months is early enough that it's totally legit to give any "I'm not ready for this" reactions you're having a fair hearing. it shouldn't be a problem if you want to postpone friend event stuff until you're on more solid footing.
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:41 AM on October 23, 2018
Have you read the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment? It covers what are typical behaviors in people with secure, anxious, and avoidant attachment styles. It also tells you what to look out for in a partner and how to recognize these behaviors in yourself. I can't tell if you are anxious or fearful-avoidant based on what you've said (because it sounds like this is a conversation you are having in therapy?), but I think it'd be useful in either case. It was incredibly useful for me in understanding some of my own behaviors and partners' behavior, and I recommend it highly.
For folks saying this person is approaching this wrong: the poster told us they are dealing with recovering from childhood trauma. If you are a securely attached person, your behavior might look different than what this person is going through. That's not necessarily a red flag for the relationship, but an indication they are looking at potentially self-sabotaging behaviors and trying to head them off.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:58 AM on October 23, 2018 [13 favorites]
For folks saying this person is approaching this wrong: the poster told us they are dealing with recovering from childhood trauma. If you are a securely attached person, your behavior might look different than what this person is going through. That's not necessarily a red flag for the relationship, but an indication they are looking at potentially self-sabotaging behaviors and trying to head them off.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:58 AM on October 23, 2018 [13 favorites]
Agreed that people who don't deal with what OP does may not have a complete lens to understand this. I'm more like OP and we genuinely have to reprogram our "alarm" signals, because they are calibrated in sometimes inaccurate or unhelpful ways.
I've found it helpful to write out a thing I'm worried about, and then the best case, worst case, and most likely case scenarios. Think how you'd live with each one. Then decide you will engage one of these worrying things. For example: "Worst case: I meet the friends and we hate each other. In that case I will take some time to think about why that is, listen to my partner if they bring it up, and consider what to do with this new information."
It can be helpful to get an exposure to something that feels alarming, if you have figured out rationally that it's unlikely to actually blow up in your face. That exposure helps train your brain that things are likely to be okay the next time. This is a strategy recommended by my therapist.
Similarly, you can use this approach for conversations. Write out the best, worst, and likely results. Let the person know something, just enough so they can be gentle with you, like, "Hey, because of my past experiences I feel tentative bringing this up. But you are important to me and so is this, so I want to talk about it..." You don't have to go into everything. Just give a little prompt and then allow them to take on the relationship task of holding space for you and the conversation in a caring way.
posted by ramenopres at 12:56 PM on October 23, 2018 [9 favorites]
I've found it helpful to write out a thing I'm worried about, and then the best case, worst case, and most likely case scenarios. Think how you'd live with each one. Then decide you will engage one of these worrying things. For example: "Worst case: I meet the friends and we hate each other. In that case I will take some time to think about why that is, listen to my partner if they bring it up, and consider what to do with this new information."
It can be helpful to get an exposure to something that feels alarming, if you have figured out rationally that it's unlikely to actually blow up in your face. That exposure helps train your brain that things are likely to be okay the next time. This is a strategy recommended by my therapist.
Similarly, you can use this approach for conversations. Write out the best, worst, and likely results. Let the person know something, just enough so they can be gentle with you, like, "Hey, because of my past experiences I feel tentative bringing this up. But you are important to me and so is this, so I want to talk about it..." You don't have to go into everything. Just give a little prompt and then allow them to take on the relationship task of holding space for you and the conversation in a caring way.
posted by ramenopres at 12:56 PM on October 23, 2018 [9 favorites]
I have attachment issues due to childhood trauma and while most of what ramenopres says is like whoa not for me, the last is 100% my gold. I tell the people I want to trust that I literally can't speak sometimes when I want to say something difficult, and if they have patience with me eventually it'll come out. If they stick around I make the effort to get the words out, and if they don't that's enough information.
I have traditionally focused on worst scenario all the time, so now I consciously ask myself, "what if everything goes right?" after my therapist suggested it. Best scenario is sometimes even more likely than worst, whaddya know.
posted by wellred at 1:17 PM on October 23, 2018 [3 favorites]
I have traditionally focused on worst scenario all the time, so now I consciously ask myself, "what if everything goes right?" after my therapist suggested it. Best scenario is sometimes even more likely than worst, whaddya know.
posted by wellred at 1:17 PM on October 23, 2018 [3 favorites]
Hey, Sock Meets Body, would you feel comfortable expanding a bit on what you mean by things like "roadblock with sexual compatibility" and "scary meeting more of their friends event"?
It seems like there's a lot of projection going on in the responses, with interpretations ranging from thinking your partner is poly and pushing you to meet their other partners, to it being that they want sex more often/less often than you do and you're wondering whether their friends will like you and you'll like their friends.
posted by Lexica at 3:53 PM on October 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
It seems like there's a lot of projection going on in the responses, with interpretations ranging from thinking your partner is poly and pushing you to meet their other partners, to it being that they want sex more often/less often than you do and you're wondering whether their friends will like you and you'll like their friends.
posted by Lexica at 3:53 PM on October 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
I can only speak as someone who worked through their own major attachment issues. I'm going to answer the question anyway though, regardless of my personal qualifications! The internet is my soapbox!
When I got into my current relationship, I experienced a simultaneous spike of anxiety that ended up focused both on $HYPOTHETICAL_TERRIBLE_EVENT and on my relationship. It was terrifying and it made me feel very insecure in my choice to be in relationship with this person, but I enjoyed my time with this person so much that I was unwilling to ditch and run.
Things that emphatically did not work for me:
- Catastrophic thinking. I tend towards a nihilist/pessimistic perspective. It took me many years of therapy to figure out that just because I thought something, doesn't mean it's true. (My therapist says, "Just because you see it at the store doesn't mean you buy it, right? You're gonna read the nutrition label first! Put your corn syrup thoughts back on the shelf!")
- Googling/reassurance seeking. The internet will tell you that any anxiety is a sign that you have to leave. This is not true for people like us! Otherwise I could never bear to leave the house.
- Trying to find certainty. Relationship is inherently uncertain, as is life.
- The therapist that asked me to imagine myself as a vegetable. (While somatic and art-assisted therapy must be useful for some, the only value I derived from it was my crayon broccoli drawing.)
Things that did work for me:
- Giving up and accepting that I am uncertain. Yes! Things might go terribly! Or, as wellred says, they might go perfectly. Me torturing myself right now will not make the latter more likely, but I can certainly overthink myself into making the former more likely.
- Starting a practice of being gentle and loving to myself. I did not have an adult in my life to securely attach to. I had to become that person for myself. I do not do this enough, or often at all, but I found it deeply helpful when, during my dark moments, I could talk to my inner wounded child/fear-based self and be gentle to that part of myself. I wrote dialogues between my 'inner wounded part' and this 'loving adult part' that were super helpful.
- I found a comment on the green (in a bout of ill-advised Googling) from someone who had similar issues. They said sometimes you just have to white-knuckle it. That really resonated with me. Granted, I had been with my partner for about 1.5 years at that point -- I don't recommend white-knuckling it through red flags! But if you are fairly confident there are no red flags, and only the frightening flares of anxiety (which can be hard to separate, to be sure), then sometimes the only way out is through.
Last month, my person and I got engaged (!!!). I was petrified that at the moment of proposal, all my doubt would finally crystalize into a feeling of ~Abject Certainty~ that this was a terrible idea! all along! and everyone knew but me! and ruin! forever! But nope, none of that happened. I Felt My Feelings for a few days, and now I feel very happy and secure in my decision. So while a long-term pair-bond may or may not happen with this person you met, I am confident that it can happen to many people who struggle with attachment issues. Feel free to PM me if you like!
posted by opossumnus at 4:00 PM on October 23, 2018 [8 favorites]
When I got into my current relationship, I experienced a simultaneous spike of anxiety that ended up focused both on $HYPOTHETICAL_TERRIBLE_EVENT and on my relationship. It was terrifying and it made me feel very insecure in my choice to be in relationship with this person, but I enjoyed my time with this person so much that I was unwilling to ditch and run.
Things that emphatically did not work for me:
- Catastrophic thinking. I tend towards a nihilist/pessimistic perspective. It took me many years of therapy to figure out that just because I thought something, doesn't mean it's true. (My therapist says, "Just because you see it at the store doesn't mean you buy it, right? You're gonna read the nutrition label first! Put your corn syrup thoughts back on the shelf!")
- Googling/reassurance seeking. The internet will tell you that any anxiety is a sign that you have to leave. This is not true for people like us! Otherwise I could never bear to leave the house.
- Trying to find certainty. Relationship is inherently uncertain, as is life.
- The therapist that asked me to imagine myself as a vegetable. (While somatic and art-assisted therapy must be useful for some, the only value I derived from it was my crayon broccoli drawing.)
Things that did work for me:
- Giving up and accepting that I am uncertain. Yes! Things might go terribly! Or, as wellred says, they might go perfectly. Me torturing myself right now will not make the latter more likely, but I can certainly overthink myself into making the former more likely.
- Starting a practice of being gentle and loving to myself. I did not have an adult in my life to securely attach to. I had to become that person for myself. I do not do this enough, or often at all, but I found it deeply helpful when, during my dark moments, I could talk to my inner wounded child/fear-based self and be gentle to that part of myself. I wrote dialogues between my 'inner wounded part' and this 'loving adult part' that were super helpful.
- I found a comment on the green (in a bout of ill-advised Googling) from someone who had similar issues. They said sometimes you just have to white-knuckle it. That really resonated with me. Granted, I had been with my partner for about 1.5 years at that point -- I don't recommend white-knuckling it through red flags! But if you are fairly confident there are no red flags, and only the frightening flares of anxiety (which can be hard to separate, to be sure), then sometimes the only way out is through.
Last month, my person and I got engaged (!!!). I was petrified that at the moment of proposal, all my doubt would finally crystalize into a feeling of ~Abject Certainty~ that this was a terrible idea! all along! and everyone knew but me! and ruin! forever! But nope, none of that happened. I Felt My Feelings for a few days, and now I feel very happy and secure in my decision. So while a long-term pair-bond may or may not happen with this person you met, I am confident that it can happen to many people who struggle with attachment issues. Feel free to PM me if you like!
posted by opossumnus at 4:00 PM on October 23, 2018 [8 favorites]
If the sexuality thing is red-flagging you, that's actually important information.
Don't undervalue whatever your subconscious is telling you. Particularly if you were socialized as a female and therefore taught to make nice and agree and squish your own preferences and concerns.
Maybe whatever sexual thing this other person wants that you can't even bring yourself to explain here is actually a bad fit for you. It's ok if that's true and you should honour the part of you that's saying no.
You are not required to participate in other people's sexual preferences if they are not actually your own real preferences, and even less so if those preferences feel bad or uncomfortable to you.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 6:50 PM on October 23, 2018 [2 favorites]
Don't undervalue whatever your subconscious is telling you. Particularly if you were socialized as a female and therefore taught to make nice and agree and squish your own preferences and concerns.
Maybe whatever sexual thing this other person wants that you can't even bring yourself to explain here is actually a bad fit for you. It's ok if that's true and you should honour the part of you that's saying no.
You are not required to participate in other people's sexual preferences if they are not actually your own real preferences, and even less so if those preferences feel bad or uncomfortable to you.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 6:50 PM on October 23, 2018 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Extremely helpful answers so far.
Additional info re: sexytimes: I don't feel comfortable being too specific here. But the basics are that they don't want some of the basic kinds of sexual contact, which in itself I can definitely understand/work with. As a result their mentality is very "anything is fine for me, I'm open for whatever you want if you want more". It's hard for me because this kind of mutual, desirous, very active sexual connection is very important to me (i.e. us both actively and enthusiastically expressing desire for each other), and while I'm trying to meet them at a more minimal/comfy/sweet energy (which they express in such a lovely way), the part of me that's tried to express more of a "let's make this happen, right now." jump-each-others'-bones energy feels shot down/isn't finding an outlet when it feels like it would just be for my benefit alone to do something. We've started having a conversation about this, and their answer is more like "I like where we're at, but I'm open to whatever you want to try" but I'm not really sure how to express like "I want to understand what makes YOU want more" without it being like, wanting to challenge their boundaries or make them do something they're not comfortable with, which I have NO interest in doing. Maybe I need to give it more time, or ask more about things like fantasy/roleyplay, maybe? I dunno.
posted by Sock Meets Body at 7:50 PM on October 23, 2018
Additional info re: sexytimes: I don't feel comfortable being too specific here. But the basics are that they don't want some of the basic kinds of sexual contact, which in itself I can definitely understand/work with. As a result their mentality is very "anything is fine for me, I'm open for whatever you want if you want more". It's hard for me because this kind of mutual, desirous, very active sexual connection is very important to me (i.e. us both actively and enthusiastically expressing desire for each other), and while I'm trying to meet them at a more minimal/comfy/sweet energy (which they express in such a lovely way), the part of me that's tried to express more of a "let's make this happen, right now." jump-each-others'-bones energy feels shot down/isn't finding an outlet when it feels like it would just be for my benefit alone to do something. We've started having a conversation about this, and their answer is more like "I like where we're at, but I'm open to whatever you want to try" but I'm not really sure how to express like "I want to understand what makes YOU want more" without it being like, wanting to challenge their boundaries or make them do something they're not comfortable with, which I have NO interest in doing. Maybe I need to give it more time, or ask more about things like fantasy/roleyplay, maybe? I dunno.
posted by Sock Meets Body at 7:50 PM on October 23, 2018
I'm kind of a textbook how not to do it, but this is where I got stuck the last time: what I thought I wanted was a normal relationship and vanilla intimacy; what I was subconsciously seeking out was someone who would replicate the situation that created the original trauma (and I ignored the Huge F-ing Red Flag that said that, which at the gut level was a simultaneous desire for and anxiety about intimacy). And it might turn out that you might not be ready to meet them where they are at, and they are not ready to meet you at the level you need, and that's just how it is for where you are in the healing process. (&, you want to understand what they want ---- do they want to understand and accommodate what you want?)
posted by ahundredjarsofsky at 10:23 PM on October 23, 2018
posted by ahundredjarsofsky at 10:23 PM on October 23, 2018
I think securely attached people... just don't think about each issue in so much depth if the relationship is good and there really aren't any red flags. It's hard to know because we don't know what the sex thing is but as a secure attacher I think I would just not really think about it two months in, or just assume it will work out. (Unless it really is a big issue, and then I'd probably just mention it, still assuming it would work out.) I'm securely attached to my husband, I think, and honestly I just don't analyse our relationship and never have. Even at the beginning I didn't analyse it.
I really think the difference is not the problems themselves but the level of focus and time spent thinking about them.
Take this with a grain of salt - I am also someone who thinks that lots of people over-communicate. Not every tiny problem needs hashing out.
posted by thereader at 11:52 PM on October 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
I really think the difference is not the problems themselves but the level of focus and time spent thinking about them.
Take this with a grain of salt - I am also someone who thinks that lots of people over-communicate. Not every tiny problem needs hashing out.
posted by thereader at 11:52 PM on October 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
Honestly, the issues you're bringing up are valid. When your lives start knitting together and you're not happy with the prospect of what your shared life is shaping up to be, that's a real, valid problem. When you find your sex life unfulfilling and your relationship lacks passion, that's a real, valid problem, too.
You can't soothe yourself by preemptively dismissing these problems as solvable or as problems with you rather than with the relationship. In fact, you can't dismiss these problems at all. You can't just wish them away. They're real. Because YOU are a real member of this relationship, not just someone who is un/successfully filling the role of SO to their partner's dis/satisfaction. So if something about a relationship isn't working FOR YOU, then it's not working.
I think that you need to stop working so hard to dismiss these problems and worries, and to start working harder on communicating with your SO about them.
What I personally would do:
-- Express your sexuality as genuinely and openly as possible. NOT just mirroring your SO or worrying constantly about what they're feeling. If you're feeling passionate or playful or romantic, then act that way. Convey that. Don't cross their boundaries but don't neuter yourself! I would also acknowledge/stoke the sexual and romantic parts of your relationship even when you're not about to fall into bed. Things like holding hands, flirtation, casual touch, maybe even light kissing, etc, are totally fine ways to convey romantic passion in public (let alone in private!). Let passion infuse your relationship. And if, try as you might, your relationship just doesn't become as passionate as you need it to be...that's a huge problem. That's getting into relationship viability territory, in my opinion.
-- Be frank that you're feeling overwhelmed by all these social engagements with their friends and ask which get-togethers it's actually important to them that you come to and which ones you'd just be tagging along to (and skip some of the tagging along ones). Be welcoming in inviting your SO into YOUR life and into YOUR circle of friends -- don't silo them. Also nurture some hobbies/social engagements/whatever that are about you guys socializing with EACH OTHER (rather than about you socializing with others as a couple).
You also need to accept that maybe these incompatibilities and problems aren't solvable and that this relationship may not actually be viable (not saying this is the case, just saying it's a possibility). I absolutely, utterly understand why that uncertainty makes you anxious -- probably, we all do. But you still need to accept and live with that uncertainty anyway. You can't wish away your feelings, you can't wish away your needs, you can't wish away your worries.
posted by rue72 at 12:01 PM on October 24, 2018
You can't soothe yourself by preemptively dismissing these problems as solvable or as problems with you rather than with the relationship. In fact, you can't dismiss these problems at all. You can't just wish them away. They're real. Because YOU are a real member of this relationship, not just someone who is un/successfully filling the role of SO to their partner's dis/satisfaction. So if something about a relationship isn't working FOR YOU, then it's not working.
I think that you need to stop working so hard to dismiss these problems and worries, and to start working harder on communicating with your SO about them.
What I personally would do:
-- Express your sexuality as genuinely and openly as possible. NOT just mirroring your SO or worrying constantly about what they're feeling. If you're feeling passionate or playful or romantic, then act that way. Convey that. Don't cross their boundaries but don't neuter yourself! I would also acknowledge/stoke the sexual and romantic parts of your relationship even when you're not about to fall into bed. Things like holding hands, flirtation, casual touch, maybe even light kissing, etc, are totally fine ways to convey romantic passion in public (let alone in private!). Let passion infuse your relationship. And if, try as you might, your relationship just doesn't become as passionate as you need it to be...that's a huge problem. That's getting into relationship viability territory, in my opinion.
-- Be frank that you're feeling overwhelmed by all these social engagements with their friends and ask which get-togethers it's actually important to them that you come to and which ones you'd just be tagging along to (and skip some of the tagging along ones). Be welcoming in inviting your SO into YOUR life and into YOUR circle of friends -- don't silo them. Also nurture some hobbies/social engagements/whatever that are about you guys socializing with EACH OTHER (rather than about you socializing with others as a couple).
You also need to accept that maybe these incompatibilities and problems aren't solvable and that this relationship may not actually be viable (not saying this is the case, just saying it's a possibility). I absolutely, utterly understand why that uncertainty makes you anxious -- probably, we all do. But you still need to accept and live with that uncertainty anyway. You can't wish away your feelings, you can't wish away your needs, you can't wish away your worries.
posted by rue72 at 12:01 PM on October 24, 2018
So, it sounds like anxiety because it's unclear how it will all work out. Will the sexuality thing turn out to be a speedbump that you ultimately figure out, or a red flag indicating you and this person aren't compatible? There's not enough information to know right now. And I could be wrong, but it sounds like meeting the friends might be morphing into a self-imposed deadline by which you want to have it figured out.
As a fellow person with insecure attachment who tends to run but has been working on that, I can tell you that in your shoes, I would be anxious right now, and my anxiety-brain would be working overtime to Figure It Out, and the easiest way to reach certainty would be to say "I'm certain it won't work out because I'm ending it now."
The path forward is to do things that address the anxiety itself but not the Figure It Out impulse. So, like, chamomile tea, meditation, walking, yoga, brief intense exercise, hot bath, read a good distracting book, etc. When your mind drifts back to the uncertainty, remind yourself that it's OK not to know. You don't have to have it all figured out right now. You can sit with the uncertainty. Take really good care of yourself, and enjoy this person regardless, and enjoy meeting their friends regardless. Feeling confident that things will work out long term is not necessary in order to enjoy right now.
posted by Former Congressional Representative Lenny Lemming at 3:21 PM on October 24, 2018
As a fellow person with insecure attachment who tends to run but has been working on that, I can tell you that in your shoes, I would be anxious right now, and my anxiety-brain would be working overtime to Figure It Out, and the easiest way to reach certainty would be to say "I'm certain it won't work out because I'm ending it now."
The path forward is to do things that address the anxiety itself but not the Figure It Out impulse. So, like, chamomile tea, meditation, walking, yoga, brief intense exercise, hot bath, read a good distracting book, etc. When your mind drifts back to the uncertainty, remind yourself that it's OK not to know. You don't have to have it all figured out right now. You can sit with the uncertainty. Take really good care of yourself, and enjoy this person regardless, and enjoy meeting their friends regardless. Feeling confident that things will work out long term is not necessary in order to enjoy right now.
posted by Former Congressional Representative Lenny Lemming at 3:21 PM on October 24, 2018
Response by poster: Thank you so much for these kind and perceptive and answers, truly.
Last night I decided to be open and bring everything up in a conversation. I was extremely nervous, and feeling pessimistic about how everything would go. It took me almost half an hour from "I wanted to talk to you about a few things but I'm not sure how" to actually speaking. Once we were talking, however, we were able to talk with a degree of honesty and mutual care that was just.. yeah, it was so good and helped me learn so much more about them. I realized these things that felt like IMPOSSIBLE and scary and giant were absolutely something I could trust them with. We identified some strategies and goals together for both issues, and then we felt super close and actually pretty much immediately had this reallllly nice night together (that emphatically confirmed that we are in fact able to find that common energy together). I think I was most touched how not only could I trust them with feelings I was very uncomfortable to express, but that they were trusting of me as well and opened up on a number of fronts, while communicating this very safe and powerful "we can take these things on together" feeling. It doesn't mean everything is automatically solved, but it means I can trust them in figuring it out together.
I mean I could gush about this conversation more, but I wanted to spell it out for others who might walk similar paths in the future (and it sounds like fellow anxious/trauma-processing folks have shared their experience here already). God I feel a billion times less freaked out/a billion times more cared for and connected. Thank you again.
posted by Sock Meets Body at 8:47 AM on October 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
Last night I decided to be open and bring everything up in a conversation. I was extremely nervous, and feeling pessimistic about how everything would go. It took me almost half an hour from "I wanted to talk to you about a few things but I'm not sure how" to actually speaking. Once we were talking, however, we were able to talk with a degree of honesty and mutual care that was just.. yeah, it was so good and helped me learn so much more about them. I realized these things that felt like IMPOSSIBLE and scary and giant were absolutely something I could trust them with. We identified some strategies and goals together for both issues, and then we felt super close and actually pretty much immediately had this reallllly nice night together (that emphatically confirmed that we are in fact able to find that common energy together). I think I was most touched how not only could I trust them with feelings I was very uncomfortable to express, but that they were trusting of me as well and opened up on a number of fronts, while communicating this very safe and powerful "we can take these things on together" feeling. It doesn't mean everything is automatically solved, but it means I can trust them in figuring it out together.
I mean I could gush about this conversation more, but I wanted to spell it out for others who might walk similar paths in the future (and it sounds like fellow anxious/trauma-processing folks have shared their experience here already). God I feel a billion times less freaked out/a billion times more cared for and connected. Thank you again.
posted by Sock Meets Body at 8:47 AM on October 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
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In general, I think healthy people experience anxiety in a new relationship as a sign to step way back and take time to gain perspective. In other words, slow down. Don’t meet their friends. Refocus on yourself for a while. See YOUR friends without the partner. Reconnect with yourself and your support system.
Be Team You.
posted by jbenben at 10:37 AM on October 23, 2018 [6 favorites]