I want to be alone

October 19, 2018 1:38 PM

I don't want my friend to sleep on the street, but I don't want him to sleep on my couch. Details below...

About 10 or 15 years ago, something happened and I had to sleep on my friends couch for a week or so. I had a job, so as soon as I could, I got back on my own. I told my friend if I can ever return the favor, just let me know. Well he disappeared for a while and now without warning he came back to town and I let him crash on my couch. He doesn't have a plan for what he's going to do, or a job to do it with. Now the weather's changing and I don't want to kick him out right before winter, but I also value my privacy and I don't want him on my couch all winter. Has anybody else ever had a similar problem, and if so how did you solve it?

posted by ambulocetus to Human Relations (10 answers total)

Have you talked to him about a time frame for getting it together and getting out of your hair? If you haven't discussed it at all, he may think you're fine with however long he has to stay there. There's a lot of room between "you can stay forever" and "out into the snow with you!" but you have to have the conversation.
posted by Smearcase at 1:53 PM on October 19, 2018 [3 favorites]

Best answer: I think it's okay to draw firm boundaries, but as a friend you want to do it in a loving way by helping him make a plan. Be upfront. "Friend, I love you and you're welcome to stay for a couple of weeks, but we need to get a longer-term plan in order for you. Do you have an idea of what you want to do? Who can I call for you? What resources can I help you follow up on?" That sort of thing. You're being a friend, you're making him responsible for his own agency, and in the end you won't feel taken advantage of. Make a healthy dinner for the two of you, then ask him to sit down and chat with you about what he thinks his next steps will be. But be clear that although you love him, your couch is not a long-term solution.
posted by vignettist at 1:54 PM on October 19, 2018 [17 favorites]

Best answer: It is to everyone's advantage to be super-duper explicit about expectations up front and on an ongoing basis, so you should definitely sit down and put some reins on this buggy before it goes on any longer. I am dealing with a little bit of a similar situation right now and the biggest mistake was underestimating the strength of some people's low-effort survival skills, in which they will convince themselves that it's fine - especially if you are being nice about it to start with - and you like barely even notice they're there, and also like really you've got a secure place to live and so you want to share that, hell you probably love having someone around, etc etc etc. And then be shocked and hurt when you've politely waited long enough for that magical thinking to set in real good and you finally are like hey, were you gonna gtfo?

(It's been a year. Learn from my mistake.)

Be painfully explicit. Don't say hey dude, time to get working on your plan. Say hey dude, I need to know what your plan is by Monday. I get that it'll take you a little time to get something turned around, but I wasn't expecting you to stay more than (specific amount of time) so you really do need to be finding your next living arrangement. If you want me to help you figure that out, I am happy to help, but this can't be long-term.

I suspect you have feelings much like mine, which is "I should NOT have to do this, be a damn adult dude" and you are right but if you want to ever get this resolved, especially when you are dealing with someone who maybe has a habit of just going wherever the wind blows, you will have to be your own wind here.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:26 PM on October 19, 2018 [31 favorites]

Unfortunately, some people aren't self-motivated enough to make these kinds of plans on their own and really need the impetus of being told that there is a limit to the amount of time and patience that you have to give. Be kind but very firm.
posted by acidnova at 3:03 PM on October 19, 2018 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Yep, work on your boundaries. Start small and work up to "We need to work on what your plan is because your plan can't be 'stay on this couch indefinitely'" If you want you can apologize for the misunderstanding, maybe he thought you were okay with him basically moving in. Some people are more puppy-pile and don't feel at all put out by other people always being around, other people really feel it as if it's a low level grating noise that they always hear. So it's possibly your friend doesn't really know it's a problem, but now is a good time to make him aware of that.

Also note, you crashed with him 10-15 years ago and it sounds like you maybe feel you owe him more than just "Hey crash with me sometime" but I also want to help you reality check that theoretically you should all be 10-15 years older meaning stuff like needing a couch to crash on is a little less of a life plan. Or maybe it is for some people but I think it's okay for you to outline, in friendly terms, that it won't work for you.

Sometimes people just need a fire lit under their ass. Sometimes people are managing mental health or other issues. Sometimes people are just mooches and will take advantage until you literally are at the point of calling the cops.

And be honest with yourself. Would you be better with this arrangement if he were gone more of the time, contributed around the house or were volunteering to Get Out The Vote? Think about if there are alternatives that might work for you (it's OK if there aren't!) and if not, be pretty hard and fast "I need you to have a new plan by the end of next month. It's okay if it takes time, but that's my deadline" Look out for things like "Well can I just keep some stuff here...?" (that is always my personal achilles heel) and the usual answer to that should be "No, sorry"
posted by jessamyn at 3:08 PM on October 19, 2018 [17 favorites]

Response by poster: Thanks for the good answers. I knew this would be a good place to ask. Sometimes you need a view from a different perspective.
posted by ambulocetus at 3:36 PM on October 19, 2018 [2 favorites]

We had a friend who slept in our second bedroom, rent-free, for three months after a breakup. This was despite the fact that she had a prestigious job that paid her at least £60K/ year. She even went on holiday while she slept in our bedroom. Basically her current situation was too easy for her to make other plans and we were too nice. You need to draw boundaries. You need your space, and it is okay to make a time limit. Don’t be us.
posted by moiraine at 12:30 AM on October 20, 2018 [2 favorites]

You crashed for a week 10-15 years ago. It was really nice of him to let you crash, certainly, but you don't owe him an open-ended months-long crash in return. Given that he has no job and no plan (that you know of) I think it'd be very reasonable to have a conversation about plans/timelines.
posted by sunflower16 at 5:50 AM on October 20, 2018

Best answer: You could offer information about local resources, and the MeFi Wiki Homeless Survival Guide is a place to start. Also, links to crisis intervention and mental health resources are listed on the ThereIsHelp page.
posted by Little Dawn at 9:15 AM on October 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

My brother asked to stay with us for 3 - 4 months.

1.5 years later we had to have “the talk”.

I asked him straight-forwardly what his timeframe was for relocating.

He initially reacted poorly and dramatically - “You want me to leave??? I’ll pack right now and be out of your hair!” (It was snowing. He had no place to go.)

I immediately told him not to act like that - that I simply wanted to know he was working on a plan.

He didn’t move out till the following April, but if we hadn’t started the conversation when we did, I think he would still be here 7 years later.

So I enthusiastically second all the great recommendations of starting a dialogue- but I also would warn you that if you are conflict adverse, be ready to react if your friend doesn’t respond well initially.
posted by hilaryjade at 6:06 PM on October 20, 2018