Mixed signals from shy guy, what do you think?
October 14, 2018 6:35 AM Subscribe
Posted prematurely the other day, still a little confused and would appreciate advice!
Met a guy who was eyeing me from afar but too shy to approach. As soon as I smiled at him he came right over and we got talking. Next day we talk more & this leads to agreeing to go to the theatre together. We chat every day until then & have a great time. He insists on paying for everything & contacts me straight after the date. He also mentioned he is very shy & socially anxious but that he is working to improve this aspect of himself.
He then invites me to another event a few nights later. Again we have a great time & I’m getting strong vibes that he likes me. He pays me sincere compliments, touches me a little, and asks lots of in-depth questions/really listens. He gives me a starry eyed look whenever we’re together, a look I’ve only received from serious boyfriends. We sit talking for hours every time we meet and I feel we have a rare connection, although I don’t know what it’s really going to be yet.
Now I’m not taking any of it too seriously, as he has tentative plans to move to Germany around Feb. I’m in a really good place in my life, I finally feel content after a bad break up & bereavement earlier this year. It feels good to be simply dating and having nice evenings with this person I like a lot.
So after the last meeting we’ve again being talking every day. We offer each other mutual support throughout the week and right now I feel like I’ve mde a great connection/friend that could easily become more romantic even if it’s only short term.
Confusing part: He contacted me today to ask if I’d like to go to an all day music festival with him in a week’s time but then adds a disclaimer: ‘although I’ve not committed to getting a ticket 100% yet.’ What?! It feels like a non invitation even though I’m pretty sure he likes me. So basically, I’d love to go with him but I’d like to make it clear that I’m not thrilled about the non-committal tone without making it a big thing. It’s weird because I’m pretty sure he doesn’t think of me as just a friend.Thoughts?
Met a guy who was eyeing me from afar but too shy to approach. As soon as I smiled at him he came right over and we got talking. Next day we talk more & this leads to agreeing to go to the theatre together. We chat every day until then & have a great time. He insists on paying for everything & contacts me straight after the date. He also mentioned he is very shy & socially anxious but that he is working to improve this aspect of himself.
He then invites me to another event a few nights later. Again we have a great time & I’m getting strong vibes that he likes me. He pays me sincere compliments, touches me a little, and asks lots of in-depth questions/really listens. He gives me a starry eyed look whenever we’re together, a look I’ve only received from serious boyfriends. We sit talking for hours every time we meet and I feel we have a rare connection, although I don’t know what it’s really going to be yet.
Now I’m not taking any of it too seriously, as he has tentative plans to move to Germany around Feb. I’m in a really good place in my life, I finally feel content after a bad break up & bereavement earlier this year. It feels good to be simply dating and having nice evenings with this person I like a lot.
So after the last meeting we’ve again being talking every day. We offer each other mutual support throughout the week and right now I feel like I’ve mde a great connection/friend that could easily become more romantic even if it’s only short term.
Confusing part: He contacted me today to ask if I’d like to go to an all day music festival with him in a week’s time but then adds a disclaimer: ‘although I’ve not committed to getting a ticket 100% yet.’ What?! It feels like a non invitation even though I’m pretty sure he likes me. So basically, I’d love to go with him but I’d like to make it clear that I’m not thrilled about the non-committal tone without making it a big thing. It’s weird because I’m pretty sure he doesn’t think of me as just a friend.Thoughts?
This sounds to me like he's into spending the time with YOU but doesn't want to lock into it being the concert in case that's not your jam.
posted by spindrifter at 6:46 AM on October 14, 2018 [19 favorites]
posted by spindrifter at 6:46 AM on October 14, 2018 [19 favorites]
It sounds more like a "I'm not positive yet that I want to go to this thing, but if I do, do you want to go with me"? which seems.......fine? If he's never done it before, I wouldn't feel the need to "make it clear that I'm not thrilled about the non-committal tone without making it a big thing". If he continues to do it, then you should say something. But at this point it's just a one-off. He's feeling you out. Which seems fine, you said he was shy, so.
posted by the webmistress at 6:47 AM on October 14, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by the webmistress at 6:47 AM on October 14, 2018 [5 favorites]
Yeah he seems to be saying he likely won’t be going if you/nobody else wants to go with him, which is a normal thing and good to put out there imo.
He’s making sure you know it’s not “I’m going for sure do you want to come?” and more “I’m interested in this, if you are too I’d like to go together”
posted by SaltySalticid at 6:49 AM on October 14, 2018 [10 favorites]
He’s making sure you know it’s not “I’m going for sure do you want to come?” and more “I’m interested in this, if you are too I’d like to go together”
posted by SaltySalticid at 6:49 AM on October 14, 2018 [10 favorites]
He's already admitted he's kind of socially anxious and shy and is working on it, so please, for the love of God, don't read his every line like it's some kind of power move that you have to interpret the precise implications of. Maybe it was his way of saying "This is definitely a date, not a thing I was already going to", maybe it was his way of hinting at "Tickets for an all day music festival are expensive, please ask me how much they are and offer to pay for your own", maybe it was his way of asking "I'm not sure I want to go to this, how excited are you about it?", maybe it was his way of offering "I was planning to go to this thing, but if you don't seem interested, I'll bag it so we can do something else together", maybe it was his way of offering something else like "I sort of have plans for that day, but I think you'll really be into this music festival and if you are, I'll bag them to go with you", etc, etc.
Do you want to go to an all-day music festival? Do you want to go with this guy?
Then say you're interested in going. Then if it doesn't quickly become clear, and it seems necessary to know, ask him what he meant. Because he will certainly have a better idea than we will.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:59 AM on October 14, 2018 [27 favorites]
Do you want to go to an all-day music festival? Do you want to go with this guy?
Then say you're interested in going. Then if it doesn't quickly become clear, and it seems necessary to know, ask him what he meant. Because he will certainly have a better idea than we will.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:59 AM on October 14, 2018 [27 favorites]
I would interpret this as a step in intimacy. He's moving from asking you to a specific event he's already chosen definitively "do you want to go to the theater" to the more mutual, informal, and yes in my mind closer "do you want to chat about maybe going to this thing together." If I got this message, I would take it to mean you could discuss the pros and cons of going, which feels less like a formal, rule-bound "date" mentality and more like an sense of two people doing things together... .which to me feels more like how relationships eventually are.
posted by nantucket at 7:02 AM on October 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by nantucket at 7:02 AM on October 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Ok, so the thing is I don’t want him to wait until the last minute but I understand he gets anxious and it’s probably a big deal to ask me.
I actually get anxious if I don’t have plans finalised a few days before, so it would be reasonable to basicallly be very enthusiastic, ‘could you please let me know by mid-week?’ So I can make other plans if he decides he doesn’t wasn’t to go.
Him saying he isn’t 100% committed to it I took to mean he isn’t 100% committed to seeing me as he might have something else on...
posted by Willow251 at 7:03 AM on October 14, 2018
I actually get anxious if I don’t have plans finalised a few days before, so it would be reasonable to basicallly be very enthusiastic, ‘could you please let me know by mid-week?’ So I can make other plans if he decides he doesn’t wasn’t to go.
Him saying he isn’t 100% committed to it I took to mean he isn’t 100% committed to seeing me as he might have something else on...
posted by Willow251 at 7:03 AM on October 14, 2018
I agree with the above assessment re. him not going unless you want to go too, but I also want to say: if you're dating someone and you don't know what they mean when they say something, it's SUPER OK to ask.
Like, he texts you something you don't get or you're interpreting as mixed signals. Just text back "what do you mean by that?" Let the other person clarify. It's not like he's going to say ugh gross she didn't immediately understand a text message, better dtmfa. No, of course not. Normal, kind people will rephrase. Because communication is awesome.
posted by phunniemee at 7:04 AM on October 14, 2018 [13 favorites]
Like, he texts you something you don't get or you're interpreting as mixed signals. Just text back "what do you mean by that?" Let the other person clarify. It's not like he's going to say ugh gross she didn't immediately understand a text message, better dtmfa. No, of course not. Normal, kind people will rephrase. Because communication is awesome.
posted by phunniemee at 7:04 AM on October 14, 2018 [13 favorites]
He said he's not 100% committed to getting a ticket. Hes reaching out to you, making plans, and being proactive. There os absolutely no indication that this means hes somehow not into you romantically; infact, it's the polar opposite. You are reading into things that aren't there. Take him at his word.
posted by Amy93 at 7:06 AM on October 14, 2018 [32 favorites]
posted by Amy93 at 7:06 AM on October 14, 2018 [32 favorites]
What I'm reading here is that you've been hanging out with this person a lot, like him romantically, but are unsure if he returns your feelings and this makes you anxious. You've written the question as if you are already dating which I think is affecting some of the answers. However, you later state, "I'm pretty sure he doesn't think of me as just a friend" which suggest that you two are not officially "dating" and there have been no romantic proclamations/physical intimacies yet.
So it sounds like you are trying to determine whether he likes you via this concert invite. The easiest thing would be to tell him you'd love to go and would like to commit to getting tickets together ahead of time and see what he says. However, the only way to know for sure whether he is interested in you romantically is to ask him. A concert invite won't tell you that explicitly.
Good luck.
posted by bearette at 7:19 AM on October 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
So it sounds like you are trying to determine whether he likes you via this concert invite. The easiest thing would be to tell him you'd love to go and would like to commit to getting tickets together ahead of time and see what he says. However, the only way to know for sure whether he is interested in you romantically is to ask him. A concert invite won't tell you that explicitly.
Good luck.
posted by bearette at 7:19 AM on October 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
Phone him. Seriously. Communication by text can suck, especially if something doesn't come across clearly the first time.
Also, if you're super into him, you don't have to wait for him to do all the inviting. It's 2018!
posted by heatherlogan at 7:24 AM on October 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
Also, if you're super into him, you don't have to wait for him to do all the inviting. It's 2018!
posted by heatherlogan at 7:24 AM on October 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
Agree you need to talk about it.
One more possibility to be sensitive to: sounds like he's been paying for everything. These tickets can be expensive. He might also be concerned that it's a bit more than he can afford if he buys two tickets. Not being sure that he will be "Buying a ticket" might be a very nervous attempt to ask you if you can each buy your own ticket. But maybe not, of course, so definitely ask.
posted by nantucket at 7:32 AM on October 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
One more possibility to be sensitive to: sounds like he's been paying for everything. These tickets can be expensive. He might also be concerned that it's a bit more than he can afford if he buys two tickets. Not being sure that he will be "Buying a ticket" might be a very nervous attempt to ask you if you can each buy your own ticket. But maybe not, of course, so definitely ask.
posted by nantucket at 7:32 AM on October 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Bearette is correct. Unfortunately I don’t feel able to ask him if he has feelings for me straight out. My cheating ex knocked my confidence a lot at the start of the year and that feels a bit scary...
Last time we were together we were sharing a small table space and at one point he leaned so far into we effectively sat for 10 mins with our entire forearms touching. Doesn’t sound too racy, but I don’t do this with friends? Nor do I gaze at them. I looped my arm through his and walked with him which he seemed happy about.
I’d love to make some kind of move if we go to the concert but I know he’s shy. How do I do it Mefites?
posted by Willow251 at 7:36 AM on October 14, 2018
Last time we were together we were sharing a small table space and at one point he leaned so far into we effectively sat for 10 mins with our entire forearms touching. Doesn’t sound too racy, but I don’t do this with friends? Nor do I gaze at them. I looped my arm through his and walked with him which he seemed happy about.
I’d love to make some kind of move if we go to the concert but I know he’s shy. How do I do it Mefites?
posted by Willow251 at 7:36 AM on October 14, 2018
You don't ask him if he has feelings. Instead, say something like "I'd really like to date you, would you like to go on a date?" For this concert, you could text back and say something like, "I'd love to go with you, can we make it a date? Let me know and I'll get a ticket."
I hear you in feeling like you don't have confidence. Sometimes bad experiences with other boyfriends or girlfriends can make us feel really insecure in the future. But a good relationship is not possible without good communication, so I would suggest that you work through those concerns with yourself.
Take care.
posted by sockermom at 7:46 AM on October 14, 2018 [6 favorites]
I hear you in feeling like you don't have confidence. Sometimes bad experiences with other boyfriends or girlfriends can make us feel really insecure in the future. But a good relationship is not possible without good communication, so I would suggest that you work through those concerns with yourself.
Take care.
posted by sockermom at 7:46 AM on October 14, 2018 [6 favorites]
Yes please just call him. Texting is the devil in times like this.
posted by elgee at 7:49 AM on October 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by elgee at 7:49 AM on October 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
Yeah this guy is just testing the waters to see if it's something you are interested in. If it is, say, "yes I'd love to go let me know the details and I'll see you there!". If it's not something you're into doing, say, "hey I'm not really into music festivals so much, but please don't let that stop you from going. We can see each other after!" This is really not a big deal. He just doesn't want to drop a bunch of money on something with you that he's not sure you even want to go to. He's being rather considerate I think actually.
posted by greta simone at 7:54 AM on October 14, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by greta simone at 7:54 AM on October 14, 2018 [5 favorites]
I actually get anxious if I don’t have plans finalised a few days before, so it would be reasonable to basicallly be very enthusiastic, ‘could you please let me know by mid-week?’ So I can make other plans if he decides he doesn’t wasn’t to go.
This is a separate issue from his/your feelings. You can definitely let people know you prefer to make firm plans well ahead of time or ask them when they think they'll know for sure if they want to go because you also have xyz to consider. Personally, I dislike going back and forth a lot about plans, but some people are not bothered by it at all. And anyway, he's not doing that at this point.
posted by BibiRose at 7:57 AM on October 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
This is a separate issue from his/your feelings. You can definitely let people know you prefer to make firm plans well ahead of time or ask them when they think they'll know for sure if they want to go because you also have xyz to consider. Personally, I dislike going back and forth a lot about plans, but some people are not bothered by it at all. And anyway, he's not doing that at this point.
posted by BibiRose at 7:57 AM on October 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: RE the part where I said 'Now I’m not taking any of it too seriously, as he has tentative plans to move to Germany around Feb.'- I could see him getting anxious about what becoming romantically involved could lead to seeing as he has moving plans next year. That's partially why I'm reluctant, as I don't want him to freak out over the meaning of a kiss. In truth I'm just content to see how things unfold and I don't think he should give up his job/moving dreams because also he is 3 years younger and I think its important to follow what you want when you're young. I don't want him to think my making a move is going to be the beginnings of an attempt to change his mind, y'know?
posted by Willow251 at 8:42 AM on October 14, 2018
posted by Willow251 at 8:42 AM on October 14, 2018
Stop thinking so much about him and what he may or may not be thinking and feeling. Think about yourself and what you are thinking and feeling. That is not only much more pertinent to you, it's the only information you can actually know for sure.
I would gently suggest that it might not be a great time to be in a relationship for you? It sounds like you have a lot of questions and worries about this. For me, that was always an indication that I wasn't in a great headspace for dating. Therapy helped. Your mileage may vary, but that could be something to consider.
posted by sockermom at 9:48 AM on October 14, 2018 [17 favorites]
I would gently suggest that it might not be a great time to be in a relationship for you? It sounds like you have a lot of questions and worries about this. For me, that was always an indication that I wasn't in a great headspace for dating. Therapy helped. Your mileage may vary, but that could be something to consider.
posted by sockermom at 9:48 AM on October 14, 2018 [17 favorites]
You seem to be stuck in the anxiety hamster-wheel thought spiral. Do what you can to focus on the present and not jump to eighty-seven-eleventy "What if..."s and "He must think..."s. You're making up all sorts of stories about what he means and what he thinks and what he'll think if you do X and those sorts of thoughts are really just not helpful in relationships, even if the patriarchy loves to tell women that we have to do all that emotional labor for men because heaven forfend they have to identify a feeling every now and then.
Do you want to go to the music festival? That's really the only relevant question in front of you.
posted by lazuli at 10:01 AM on October 14, 2018 [9 favorites]
Do you want to go to the music festival? That's really the only relevant question in front of you.
posted by lazuli at 10:01 AM on October 14, 2018 [9 favorites]
Yeah it wasn't the best wording, but it sounds like he wants to go, and if you say you want to go, then he'll commit to getting a ticket? By adding that disclaimer it sounds like he's on the fence about going, he asked you anyway, and even if you respond yes, he'll still be on the fence.
Making a move at the concert: I dunno about at the concert, but when you part ways and say goodnight, hug and kiss. Done.
On preview, what sockermom and lazuli said.
posted by foxjacket at 10:33 AM on October 14, 2018
Making a move at the concert: I dunno about at the concert, but when you part ways and say goodnight, hug and kiss. Done.
On preview, what sockermom and lazuli said.
posted by foxjacket at 10:33 AM on October 14, 2018
He just doesn't seem that shy and socially anxious to me. He seems to be into you, possibly interested in taking things slow, possibly due even to reading your signals which seem to possibly be broadcasting some social anxiety and fear of rushing in. Maybe? I'm not on your dates so obviously I don't know.
Take a breath. Enjoy a moment of quiet calm. Your current friend is not your ex. There is no "all men" when you are falling in like with someone. There is only the person in front of you and the person that you are. Be kind and open to him as you would like him to be kind and open to you. What is your 100%? If you could just ask for what you want, today, from this friend, what would it be? To take it slow but keep on the same beat? Or to take it up a notch and confirm feelings? He wants to go to the music festival with you but if you'd rather do something else with him then he wants to do that. Being open with yourself about your feelings, and voicing them to your friend, taking it up a notch (kissing?!) if that's where you are at, is not going to foretell any other kind of future other than possibly a future where you have a very nice person in your life, maybe even a romantic person. Someone who listens to your signals, if you feel like he is doing so, is a good catch. Think about your 100% and be open to a universe where decent things can happen to decent people.
posted by amanda at 11:14 AM on October 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
Take a breath. Enjoy a moment of quiet calm. Your current friend is not your ex. There is no "all men" when you are falling in like with someone. There is only the person in front of you and the person that you are. Be kind and open to him as you would like him to be kind and open to you. What is your 100%? If you could just ask for what you want, today, from this friend, what would it be? To take it slow but keep on the same beat? Or to take it up a notch and confirm feelings? He wants to go to the music festival with you but if you'd rather do something else with him then he wants to do that. Being open with yourself about your feelings, and voicing them to your friend, taking it up a notch (kissing?!) if that's where you are at, is not going to foretell any other kind of future other than possibly a future where you have a very nice person in your life, maybe even a romantic person. Someone who listens to your signals, if you feel like he is doing so, is a good catch. Think about your 100% and be open to a universe where decent things can happen to decent people.
posted by amanda at 11:14 AM on October 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
Please don't "make it clear" that you're "not thrilled about the non-committal tone"! You've only seen the guy twice and he is clearly just testing the waters! I'm sure that if you say "yes I'd like to go" he will get a ticket.
I may have read this wrong but it sounds like you want to raise his tone with him as an 'issue'? If I'm wrong, ignore this, but if this is what you're saying, it would be really inappropriate at this stage to do this.
Also I know you said you were anxious but make sure you aren't playing games to assuage your own anxiety. For example, you say: "so it would be reasonable to basically be very enthusiastic, ‘could you please let me know by mid-week?’ So I can make other plans if he decides he doesn’t wasn’t to go. " This kind of just ignores all the comments that came before it. If I were you I'd say: "I'd love to go, let's go together!" which is the truth, not "yeah if you want to go let me know". He only wants to go if you are going, so you need to indicate whether you want to go.
posted by thereader at 11:15 AM on October 14, 2018 [10 favorites]
I may have read this wrong but it sounds like you want to raise his tone with him as an 'issue'? If I'm wrong, ignore this, but if this is what you're saying, it would be really inappropriate at this stage to do this.
Also I know you said you were anxious but make sure you aren't playing games to assuage your own anxiety. For example, you say: "so it would be reasonable to basically be very enthusiastic, ‘could you please let me know by mid-week?’ So I can make other plans if he decides he doesn’t wasn’t to go. " This kind of just ignores all the comments that came before it. If I were you I'd say: "I'd love to go, let's go together!" which is the truth, not "yeah if you want to go let me know". He only wants to go if you are going, so you need to indicate whether you want to go.
posted by thereader at 11:15 AM on October 14, 2018 [10 favorites]
The bit about whether or not he decides to go to Germany in 5(?) months time: why are you even thinking about this??? You are trying to control way too much. At the moment, you should just be enjoying things, not thinking about whether a grown man will make his own decision to stay in the country.
My husband was going to move to the USA to do his doctorate but within 3 days of meeting he decided not to <3 That is life. We never know what is going to happen so you need to let go of all of this and just go to the concert. Get your own ticket, too, as someone above suggested.
posted by thereader at 11:26 AM on October 14, 2018 [4 favorites]
My husband was going to move to the USA to do his doctorate but within 3 days of meeting he decided not to <3 That is life. We never know what is going to happen so you need to let go of all of this and just go to the concert. Get your own ticket, too, as someone above suggested.
posted by thereader at 11:26 AM on October 14, 2018 [4 favorites]
Say, “Sure, I’d be interested in going to the music festival if you’re going. On a related note, would you like to grab lunch or dinner sometime this weekend?” Ask the guy out. You’ve already hung out a few times so it shouldn’t be weird, and if he’s looking for signs that you reciprocate his interest, that should clear it up for him.
posted by Autumnheart at 12:24 PM on October 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by Autumnheart at 12:24 PM on October 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
I'm reading it as "don't feel obligated because you think I've already spent the money."
posted by rhizome at 12:55 PM on October 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by rhizome at 12:55 PM on October 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
Met a guy who was eyeing me from afar but too shy to approach. As soon as I smiled at him he came right over and we got talking.
if he says he's shy, he would know. but this isn't a sign of shyness, this is textbook good manners. you don't come up and startle a strange woman out of nowhere, you catch her eye, wait until she smiles at you. you pause for a reaction every time you make a move, so that you know she's interested, not just passively enduring, and you're not imposing on her. this is right in line with the way he's touched you, so you know he's physically attracted, but he hasn't been aggressive in a way you can't easily ignore or withdraw from. he sounds very socially skilled, anxious or not.
same with this music festival. if he'd already bought two tickets, you might feel pressured to say yes or just uncomfortable that he'd made plans with you in mind before inviting you. if he decided to go on impulse the day before and didn't mention it to you until then, you might be insulted that he asked you at the last minute. instead, he's checking with you in advance.
also, these things can be expensive, so if you want to go you might want to buy your own ticket even if he invited you. this is also a potential reason he's being tentative until he's sure you're interested in the event for its own sake -- so if you want to see him again but don't really care about the music, you could say so.
it seems really pessimistic to take his overt gestures of respect as a symptom of some social difficulty.
posted by queenofbithynia at 1:52 PM on October 14, 2018 [19 favorites]
He’s indicating that if it is something you would like to do he would like to do it too.
Only it’s done with the sort of half-assed communication that leads to suicide in 14th century Italian teenagers. If he had used his words he would have said "I want to go to this but before I buy a ticket I thought I’d see if you wanted to come too."
You are not helping the situation of our star-crossed lovers by asking the internet to interpret the signs.
It can be difficult, nay petrifying, to risk rejection by talking openly about your feelings but given that you have limited time here I’d say you need to take that step.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:01 PM on October 14, 2018 [5 favorites]
Only it’s done with the sort of half-assed communication that leads to suicide in 14th century Italian teenagers. If he had used his words he would have said "I want to go to this but before I buy a ticket I thought I’d see if you wanted to come too."
You are not helping the situation of our star-crossed lovers by asking the internet to interpret the signs.
It can be difficult, nay petrifying, to risk rejection by talking openly about your feelings but given that you have limited time here I’d say you need to take that step.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:01 PM on October 14, 2018 [5 favorites]
He’s not sure yet if he wants to go, probably because it’s expensive. Not a big deal. It’s also fine to text, people are capable of being uncertain over the phone as well. A lot of people actually find it easier to be open and honest over text.
I’m honestly not sure what you’re reacting so strongly to here— he’s just saying he might be interested in this event, what do you think? He’s treating you normally.
posted by stoneandstar at 9:52 AM on October 15, 2018
I’m honestly not sure what you’re reacting so strongly to here— he’s just saying he might be interested in this event, what do you think? He’s treating you normally.
posted by stoneandstar at 9:52 AM on October 15, 2018
Mod note: One deleted. Willow251: We've said this before, and need you to internalize it: AskMe isn't a place for ongoing processing or play-by-play of relationship stuff. If you need someone to talk to like this on an intensive ongoing basis, that's something you need to get somewhere else (eg therapy).
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 2:09 PM on October 16, 2018
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 2:09 PM on October 16, 2018
I can't read this guys mind either – but as a socially anxious person myself, it sounds like he would love for you to come with him to this festival. But he's leaving himself an "out" with the "not 100% committed" bit – if you turn him down, then he can say "eh, that's okay, I wasn't sure I wanted to go anyway".
Or maybe he's specifically interested in going to this festival with you, and doesn't think he'll be going if you say no.
You know? Sounds like he has butterflies for you, but is scared of rejection.
At the end of the day, though: even if this interpretation isn't the right one, it doesn't really matter. He asked whether you'd like to go to this festival. You say that you would. So just tell him "sure; I'd love to go!". And let things happen from there.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 10:25 AM on September 8, 2019
Or maybe he's specifically interested in going to this festival with you, and doesn't think he'll be going if you say no.
You know? Sounds like he has butterflies for you, but is scared of rejection.
At the end of the day, though: even if this interpretation isn't the right one, it doesn't really matter. He asked whether you'd like to go to this festival. You say that you would. So just tell him "sure; I'd love to go!". And let things happen from there.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 10:25 AM on September 8, 2019
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I think maybe this person is hinting at they want to do something with you, and that while this event sounds exciting, he would like to talk to you about it first, maybe share some concerns or social anxieties he has, or wanting to check in and make sure it's something you are super into before he just decides it's happening?
posted by nikaspark at 6:44 AM on October 14, 2018 [35 favorites]