How do I tell her to lose some weight?
February 16, 2006 6:20 AM Subscribe
How do I tell my girlfriend that I am not physically attracted to her since she put on some weight?
Basically, this girl is my best friend and lover and has been for quite some time. We have always overcome obstacles in our relationship. Lately, though, I find that I am just not physically attracted to her since she has developed somewhat of a gut. I've tried being supportive, but as a man who constantly receives jokes based on how it appears he is not eating, I find it hard to practice what I preach. Just how to I tell her, without hurting her feelings, that she's just not attractive the way she is right now? I can't stand to see the hurt in her eyes if I don't say it the right way. Sorry for posting anon., but she pokes her nose around here sometimes.
Basically, this girl is my best friend and lover and has been for quite some time. We have always overcome obstacles in our relationship. Lately, though, I find that I am just not physically attracted to her since she has developed somewhat of a gut. I've tried being supportive, but as a man who constantly receives jokes based on how it appears he is not eating, I find it hard to practice what I preach. Just how to I tell her, without hurting her feelings, that she's just not attractive the way she is right now? I can't stand to see the hurt in her eyes if I don't say it the right way. Sorry for posting anon., but she pokes her nose around here sometimes.
Don't tell her - if you want her to make physical changes, start eating more healthfully and exercising, and encourage her to join you for her health. There is no nice way to say what you are thinking of saying.
posted by pinky at 6:28 AM on February 16, 2006
posted by pinky at 6:28 AM on February 16, 2006
There is no way to say it without hurting her.
What you're saying and what she'll hear is that you're only attracted to a specific set of physical characteristics which she no longer meets.
Instead of focusing on your dislike of her current shape, could you invite her on some nice evening walks with you? If you make it a habit, you may find the additional activity helping her general fitness improve.
posted by onhazier at 6:29 AM on February 16, 2006
What you're saying and what she'll hear is that you're only attracted to a specific set of physical characteristics which she no longer meets.
Instead of focusing on your dislike of her current shape, could you invite her on some nice evening walks with you? If you make it a habit, you may find the additional activity helping her general fitness improve.
posted by onhazier at 6:29 AM on February 16, 2006
I agree. You can't say it outright. You have to try and take over the cooking or suggest activities together. Then when she has lost a little say, "Wow, you look fucking amazing" and that will help give her a boost and help encourage her to become more fitness oriented. I promise that she has noticed that she has gained some weight and isn't happy about it.
This situation happened to me once. I felt trapped beccause my boyfriend ate junk food constantly and when I cooked healthy food he wouldn't touch it and when I suggested going outside for a walk, he always wanted to stay inside, and sure enough the sex went south. He said something to the effect of , "You remember when you said you were going to start going to the gym, well thats a good idea" and then he rolled over and kinda scooted to the edge of the bed. I promptly left him and 40 lbs (20 of which was less than I had ever been with him) at the door.
posted by stormygrey at 6:31 AM on February 16, 2006
This situation happened to me once. I felt trapped beccause my boyfriend ate junk food constantly and when I cooked healthy food he wouldn't touch it and when I suggested going outside for a walk, he always wanted to stay inside, and sure enough the sex went south. He said something to the effect of , "You remember when you said you were going to start going to the gym, well thats a good idea" and then he rolled over and kinda scooted to the edge of the bed. I promptly left him and 40 lbs (20 of which was less than I had ever been with him) at the door.
posted by stormygrey at 6:31 AM on February 16, 2006
Ditto everybody -- she knows she's gained weight, her clothes tell her. Hearing that it also makes her unattractive to you is not going to help. Start working out with her -- it'll do you both good. If you live with her, perhaps you can also take over meal preparation to get some healthier foods into both your lifestyles.
posted by JanetLand at 6:34 AM on February 16, 2006
posted by JanetLand at 6:34 AM on February 16, 2006
Do not say anything about not being attracted to her. Believe me, she knows she's gained weight. She knows she's looked better. You can't tell someone else to lose weight and expect them to do it in a healthy way. She needs to decide that SHE wants it for HER. Then you support her. I can't see how she could succeed any other way.
Setting a good example never hurts, though, as others have suggested.
For you, I hate to say it, but without all the "she doesn't deserve you" stuff, I still think you need to think hard and evaluate whether you can overcome this lack of attraction even if she doesn't end up losing the weight. Both of your bodies will change over time. Attraction and affection are really important to a relationship. You can't force her to lose weight, and even if she does, there's nothing stopping her from gaining it back and then some in the future, or from her body changing in other ways. If you don't feel like you can want her when she looks this way, ever...maybe it is best for both of you to just be friends. You both deserve a relationship that includes mutual attraction. That's just something you have to decide for yourselves.
posted by lampoil at 6:54 AM on February 16, 2006
Setting a good example never hurts, though, as others have suggested.
For you, I hate to say it, but without all the "she doesn't deserve you" stuff, I still think you need to think hard and evaluate whether you can overcome this lack of attraction even if she doesn't end up losing the weight. Both of your bodies will change over time. Attraction and affection are really important to a relationship. You can't force her to lose weight, and even if she does, there's nothing stopping her from gaining it back and then some in the future, or from her body changing in other ways. If you don't feel like you can want her when she looks this way, ever...maybe it is best for both of you to just be friends. You both deserve a relationship that includes mutual attraction. That's just something you have to decide for yourselves.
posted by lampoil at 6:54 AM on February 16, 2006
You don't tell her. You just don't.
(As someone who has studiously cultivated the tiniest bit of a belly that I myself really like) it's awkward to even have my boyfriend tell me that he likes the belly. I guess that's because I sense that I am falling out of this culture's "desired" form, even though I like this form better for me. There is something about being culturally desired that is powerful.
So, say it with me now "don't tell her." Tell her about the parts of her that you like, her eyes, her butt, her toenails. Something, anything that you like, tell her all the time, that would make way more positive difference than ever telling her about the negatives ever could.
posted by bilabial at 6:58 AM on February 16, 2006
(As someone who has studiously cultivated the tiniest bit of a belly that I myself really like) it's awkward to even have my boyfriend tell me that he likes the belly. I guess that's because I sense that I am falling out of this culture's "desired" form, even though I like this form better for me. There is something about being culturally desired that is powerful.
So, say it with me now "don't tell her." Tell her about the parts of her that you like, her eyes, her butt, her toenails. Something, anything that you like, tell her all the time, that would make way more positive difference than ever telling her about the negatives ever could.
posted by bilabial at 6:58 AM on February 16, 2006
Do you want to save your relationship? Don't hint, don't beat around the bush and just tell her. If you don't tell her, she will probably continue being overweight and you will drift apart.
posted by rinkjustice at 7:03 AM on February 16, 2006
posted by rinkjustice at 7:03 AM on February 16, 2006
Why the sublte suggestions?: We often lose interest in someone. Dump her and find another.
posted by Postroad at 7:08 AM on February 16, 2006
posted by Postroad at 7:08 AM on February 16, 2006
How do I tell my girlfriend that I am not physically attracted to her since she put on some weight?
By telephone, unless you like being kicked in the nuts. And then she'll just pig out in frustration until you're within nut-kicking range.
It would be safer and more effective to get her to join something active with you. That way, you spend more time together and you get to make sure she works off the flab by pushing her to do the extra lap or extra mile or whatever with you. Also go on a diet -- tell her you're going to get a nice six-pack just for her -- and try like hell to get her on it with you.
Then -- here's the key -- when she starts to lose weight, compliment her on it. Positive feedback. Make her feel hot. Jump all over her.
1. Exercise with her.
2. Diet with her.
3. Bonk her silly.
That's how to tell her.
posted by pracowity at 7:11 AM on February 16, 2006
By telephone, unless you like being kicked in the nuts. And then she'll just pig out in frustration until you're within nut-kicking range.
It would be safer and more effective to get her to join something active with you. That way, you spend more time together and you get to make sure she works off the flab by pushing her to do the extra lap or extra mile or whatever with you. Also go on a diet -- tell her you're going to get a nice six-pack just for her -- and try like hell to get her on it with you.
Then -- here's the key -- when she starts to lose weight, compliment her on it. Positive feedback. Make her feel hot. Jump all over her.
1. Exercise with her.
2. Diet with her.
3. Bonk her silly.
That's how to tell her.
posted by pracowity at 7:11 AM on February 16, 2006
You need to find someone more like yourself - thin and shallow. Hopefully your girlfriend will find happiness with a real man.
On the outside chance that this post is just a brain fart and you actually are not that shallow (for instance, perhaps you really meant "less physically attracted to"): If you want to stay in this relationship you need to accept her as she is, not as you would like her to be. Asking for someone to change so that you will like them more is no way to have a relationship. You can be supportive by offering to work out with her, cook healthy foods for her etc., but do not be surprised if these efforts are met with anger as frankly she probably knows that you are doing this for you and not for her. Think of her, not of you, and there may yet be hope for you.
posted by caddis at 7:12 AM on February 16, 2006
On the outside chance that this post is just a brain fart and you actually are not that shallow (for instance, perhaps you really meant "less physically attracted to"): If you want to stay in this relationship you need to accept her as she is, not as you would like her to be. Asking for someone to change so that you will like them more is no way to have a relationship. You can be supportive by offering to work out with her, cook healthy foods for her etc., but do not be surprised if these efforts are met with anger as frankly she probably knows that you are doing this for you and not for her. Think of her, not of you, and there may yet be hope for you.
posted by caddis at 7:12 AM on February 16, 2006
She already knows, believe me. Your bringing it up is just going to make her completely self-conscious about it whenever she eats around you, sleeps with you, or is just generally naked around you.
posted by elquien at 7:14 AM on February 16, 2006
posted by elquien at 7:14 AM on February 16, 2006
What rdurbin said, maybe. Even being that indirect is risky, in my sad experience.
This is, after all, a variation of the classic "Does this make me look fat?" conundrum, except in this case, you don't want to wait to be asked. Tactically, especially if you are going to do this in some way that she'll have to acknowledge that you've made the point (in other words, not ignore or toss off as a joke), I think you have to be prepared for some major blowback. Long term blowback. Life altering blowback.
And while I know your question is sincerely motivated, I hope you can appreciate that my equally sincerely motivated general advice would be to avoid this discussion like the plague, based on the collective wisdom I've borrowed over many years, from the 49.9 per cent of humanity afflicted with y chromosomes, who have ever tried to answer this question, or have the discussion you are contemplating.
In one of Dave Barry's columns he declares that the only appropriate response to:
Does this dress make me look fat?
is for the questionee to stick a fork into one or both eyes. Much less painful than answering...
I have taken this to heart, and whenever my wife lets slip an unanswerable question I holler:
Where's my fork?!
She cracks up, I dodge a bullet, and innocent bystanders are spared potential unpleasantness."
posted by paulsc at 7:16 AM on February 16, 2006 [1 favorite]
This is, after all, a variation of the classic "Does this make me look fat?" conundrum, except in this case, you don't want to wait to be asked. Tactically, especially if you are going to do this in some way that she'll have to acknowledge that you've made the point (in other words, not ignore or toss off as a joke), I think you have to be prepared for some major blowback. Long term blowback. Life altering blowback.
And while I know your question is sincerely motivated, I hope you can appreciate that my equally sincerely motivated general advice would be to avoid this discussion like the plague, based on the collective wisdom I've borrowed over many years, from the 49.9 per cent of humanity afflicted with y chromosomes, who have ever tried to answer this question, or have the discussion you are contemplating.
In one of Dave Barry's columns he declares that the only appropriate response to:
Does this dress make me look fat?
is for the questionee to stick a fork into one or both eyes. Much less painful than answering...
I have taken this to heart, and whenever my wife lets slip an unanswerable question I holler:
Where's my fork?!
She cracks up, I dodge a bullet, and innocent bystanders are spared potential unpleasantness."
posted by paulsc at 7:16 AM on February 16, 2006 [1 favorite]
This is, after all, a variation of the classic "Does this make me look fat?" conundrum
This is kind of the opposite, really. The classic version involves a woman who's hypercritical of her own body and a man who isn't. This is more like, "I'm not attracted to my boyfriend anymore after his hair started thinning a bit." You wouldn't tell the questioner that they should try on wigs together.
posted by transona5 at 7:20 AM on February 16, 2006
This is kind of the opposite, really. The classic version involves a woman who's hypercritical of her own body and a man who isn't. This is more like, "I'm not attracted to my boyfriend anymore after his hair started thinning a bit." You wouldn't tell the questioner that they should try on wigs together.
posted by transona5 at 7:20 AM on February 16, 2006
You need to find someone more like yourself - thin and shallow. Hopefully your girlfriend will find happiness with a real man.
Glad to see that, unbeknownst to me, humans have somehow developed the ability to change - through sheer will - the bodies to which they're attacted. This will be good news for the ex-gay ministries. Terrible advice in the first paragraph, good advice in the second.
Set a good example, cook dinner more odten, do physical stuff together. That's pretty much all you can do without being horrible.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 7:24 AM on February 16, 2006
Glad to see that, unbeknownst to me, humans have somehow developed the ability to change - through sheer will - the bodies to which they're attacted. This will be good news for the ex-gay ministries. Terrible advice in the first paragraph, good advice in the second.
Set a good example, cook dinner more odten, do physical stuff together. That's pretty much all you can do without being horrible.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 7:24 AM on February 16, 2006
Most women would rather hear that you're sleeping with their sister than that you think they're fat.
posted by jellicle at 7:37 AM on February 16, 2006
posted by jellicle at 7:37 AM on February 16, 2006
You might also seriously consider the possibility that this isn't what is actually turning you off...that the weight is something obvious to focus on, and maybe part of something more general, or an alibi for something altogether different. Everything in the world will validate your view that weight is a turn off but very little will point you towards other interpersonal problems that you might not be examining in proper detail. 'Displacement' is extremely common.
posted by anglophiliated at 7:42 AM on February 16, 2006
posted by anglophiliated at 7:42 AM on February 16, 2006
Response by poster: whenever she eats around you, sleeps with you, or is just generally naked around you.
I find this "naked eating" fascinating, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter!
More seriously, I agree with most of the other posters. It doesn't make you an awful, awful, awful person to be less attracted to your girlfrield/boyfriend/signficant other when they get fat. Keeping in mind though, there is a big difference between "fat" and a "bit of a gut", and if you ever get married you're going to have to not only get used to your partner developing a bit of a gut, but wrinkles, dentures, hair in places you wish it wasn't, hair not in places you wish is was, and saggy buttocks.
That said, if you're accepting of all that but you're still finding her gut-development worrisome, you're going to have to do this discreetly. Walk with her, exercise with her, cook and eat healthfully with her, and make sure you're still complimenting her on the things you like and fucking her brains out so she doesn't succumb to insecurity, pints of Ben & Jerry's, and boys who don't mind her gut.
posted by Anonymous at 7:55 AM on February 16, 2006
I find this "naked eating" fascinating, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter!
More seriously, I agree with most of the other posters. It doesn't make you an awful, awful, awful person to be less attracted to your girlfrield/boyfriend/signficant other when they get fat. Keeping in mind though, there is a big difference between "fat" and a "bit of a gut", and if you ever get married you're going to have to not only get used to your partner developing a bit of a gut, but wrinkles, dentures, hair in places you wish it wasn't, hair not in places you wish is was, and saggy buttocks.
That said, if you're accepting of all that but you're still finding her gut-development worrisome, you're going to have to do this discreetly. Walk with her, exercise with her, cook and eat healthfully with her, and make sure you're still complimenting her on the things you like and fucking her brains out so she doesn't succumb to insecurity, pints of Ben & Jerry's, and boys who don't mind her gut.
posted by Anonymous at 7:55 AM on February 16, 2006
You are pretty much screwed. Even if you suggest "hey, you wanna go to the gym with me?" you are pretty much guaranteed to spend the next 3 hours with her crying, and screaming "You think I'm fat!". I have to say though, those who are saying "God, stop being a stupid shallow asshole" aren't really that helpful either. If you aren't physically attracted to someone who has DRASTICALLY changed, there is often very little you can do about it. Sexual attraction isn't the ONLY thing in a relationship, but it's a VERY BIG thing, and if you can't get it up when you see them naked, neither one of you is going to be particularly happy in the long run.
posted by antifuse at 7:58 AM on February 16, 2006
posted by antifuse at 7:58 AM on February 16, 2006
Most women would rather hear that you're sleeping with their sister than that you think they're fat.
posted by jellicle at 9:37 AM CST on February 16 [!]
Of course, that is unless the sister looks similar but weighs 40 lb less. ;)
My g/f had some pudge, and it was a turnoff, but I took a different tack - I led by example. Took to riding my bike an hour a day, not making that second cheese sandwich, etc. Within weeks, she started taking walks.
posted by notsnot at 8:05 AM on February 16, 2006
posted by jellicle at 9:37 AM CST on February 16 [!]
Of course, that is unless the sister looks similar but weighs 40 lb less. ;)
My g/f had some pudge, and it was a turnoff, but I took a different tack - I led by example. Took to riding my bike an hour a day, not making that second cheese sandwich, etc. Within weeks, she started taking walks.
posted by notsnot at 8:05 AM on February 16, 2006
Response by poster: I don't think he's guaranteed to break her heart by asking her to go to the gym with him. Especially if it's something like asking her to go to a class at the gym--"Hey, will you take a Pilates class with me?" or "Hey, will you take this beginning Yoga class?", or "Hey, let's do ballroom dancing!" If you throw in the "Man, I'm going to be the only dude in the class but I want to try it so could you come along", you will likely pull the heartstrings and she'll think nothing of it. Granted, you might really be the only dude in the class and you'll be afraid to come along, but these are the sacrifices we make for the ones we love. And your increased flexibility and/or dancing skills might make her more attracted to you (or at least boinking a lot more fun).
As for taking a walk, it's as simple as "I want to spend some time with you, let's go to the park for a stroll."
Cooking is the same thing. "I want to start learning to cook more healthfully, I'm worried my nutrition isn't great, blahblah etc etc".
The important thing is you frame the question (and think about the situation) as you wanting to spend time with her that just happens to be in a healthful manner.
posted by Anonymous at 8:07 AM on February 16, 2006
As for taking a walk, it's as simple as "I want to spend some time with you, let's go to the park for a stroll."
Cooking is the same thing. "I want to start learning to cook more healthfully, I'm worried my nutrition isn't great, blahblah etc etc".
The important thing is you frame the question (and think about the situation) as you wanting to spend time with her that just happens to be in a healthful manner.
posted by Anonymous at 8:07 AM on February 16, 2006
Try being less specific but still addressing the issue, such as "You look different for some reason."
The problem here seems to be that your feelings are hurt because of the newly gained weight, and any suppression of feelings that need to be done would be her reaction, not yours. Since it does bother you (and me, I am attracted most to waif-like) it needs to be addressed in some capacity. If her feelings are hurt because you brought it up, even if she goes crybaby (perhaps not the most wisely chosen word) on you, it is well justified because its very present is quite honestly a deterrent to genuine attraction and going along with it without mentioning it would be pretending there's no problem when there really is.
Just expect to also receive some frank, "well now that you're being so outright with it, I've got a problem with this issue," also.
posted by vanoakenfold at 8:11 AM on February 16, 2006
The problem here seems to be that your feelings are hurt because of the newly gained weight, and any suppression of feelings that need to be done would be her reaction, not yours. Since it does bother you (and me, I am attracted most to waif-like) it needs to be addressed in some capacity. If her feelings are hurt because you brought it up, even if she goes crybaby (perhaps not the most wisely chosen word) on you, it is well justified because its very present is quite honestly a deterrent to genuine attraction and going along with it without mentioning it would be pretending there's no problem when there really is.
Just expect to also receive some frank, "well now that you're being so outright with it, I've got a problem with this issue," also.
posted by vanoakenfold at 8:11 AM on February 16, 2006
If he loves her and likes her but is losing his lust for her, and if she could make herself generally more lustworthy (and probably healthier and happier) through a little exercise and sensible eating, there's nothing wrong with him trying to come up with a nice scheme to get the thinner version of her back. It's better than risking losing love and friendship on both sides because they are no longer quite sexually compatible.
If they "grow old together," as the cliche goes, then they can gracefully fall apart together -- lose hair, lose teeth, lose muscle, lose posture, lose eyesight, grow tufts of wiry hair from their formerly smooth skin, gain huge mounds of horrible jiggling blubber that frightens the pets -- but there's no reason for one half of a young and healthy couple (I assume that's what this is -- I don't think an old-timer would ask such a question) to just watch the other half drift prematurely down the manatee canal.
But be careful, anonymous. You're out to help her, not hurt her.
Most women would rather hear that you're sleeping with their sister than that you think they're fat.
I forgot about the sister angle. If her sister is younger and thinner, she could be the quickest solution.
posted by pracowity at 8:32 AM on February 16, 2006
If they "grow old together," as the cliche goes, then they can gracefully fall apart together -- lose hair, lose teeth, lose muscle, lose posture, lose eyesight, grow tufts of wiry hair from their formerly smooth skin, gain huge mounds of horrible jiggling blubber that frightens the pets -- but there's no reason for one half of a young and healthy couple (I assume that's what this is -- I don't think an old-timer would ask such a question) to just watch the other half drift prematurely down the manatee canal.
But be careful, anonymous. You're out to help her, not hurt her.
Most women would rather hear that you're sleeping with their sister than that you think they're fat.
I forgot about the sister angle. If her sister is younger and thinner, she could be the quickest solution.
posted by pracowity at 8:32 AM on February 16, 2006
It is my opinion that you've got to ask yourself if this is a relationship-ender for you. Because hearing you say that she's gotten so fat that you can't bring yourself to fuck her could very well be a relationship-ender for her. If you decide that you'd rather not risk that, I think you'd be better served by attempting to change yourself than your partner.
Also, ask yourself if you're as pretty as you were when she met you, too. How's your hairline? Transona5's analogy is really on the mark here; how would you feel if she suggested that you weren't fuckable anymore and wouldn't be again until you got some plugs?
I reckon none of that really helps, but maybe it underlines how awful (awful) it would be to tell her what you asked us how to tell her (and implying the same as telling). I guess if the chance that she might take your advice (and not leave you) means more to you than not being awful, you could roll the dice.
(on preview, regarding schroedinger's comment) No, it doesn't make you awful to feel less attracted; you are entitled to your feelings. But there are a few arenas in which your feelings are your problem, and yours alone; your partner's fluctuating attractiveness (which is inevitable; it happens to every single person in the world, one way or another) is one of them, and once you tell her, you make those feelings her problem, and that is awful. Everybody thinks critical things about other people, whether it's the mailman, your best friend, your boss, or your your lover; it's the understanding that your critical thoughts and feelings frequently mean more about you than about them that separates the men from the jackasses.
posted by willpie at 8:33 AM on February 16, 2006 [1 favorite]
Also, ask yourself if you're as pretty as you were when she met you, too. How's your hairline? Transona5's analogy is really on the mark here; how would you feel if she suggested that you weren't fuckable anymore and wouldn't be again until you got some plugs?
I reckon none of that really helps, but maybe it underlines how awful (awful) it would be to tell her what you asked us how to tell her (and implying the same as telling). I guess if the chance that she might take your advice (and not leave you) means more to you than not being awful, you could roll the dice.
(on preview, regarding schroedinger's comment) No, it doesn't make you awful to feel less attracted; you are entitled to your feelings. But there are a few arenas in which your feelings are your problem, and yours alone; your partner's fluctuating attractiveness (which is inevitable; it happens to every single person in the world, one way or another) is one of them, and once you tell her, you make those feelings her problem, and that is awful. Everybody thinks critical things about other people, whether it's the mailman, your best friend, your boss, or your your lover; it's the understanding that your critical thoughts and feelings frequently mean more about you than about them that separates the men from the jackasses.
posted by willpie at 8:33 AM on February 16, 2006 [1 favorite]
"You look different for some reason."
Oh, that will go over well.
posted by caddis at 8:34 AM on February 16, 2006
Oh, that will go over well.
posted by caddis at 8:34 AM on February 16, 2006
As most have mentioned, the direct approach is certain painful death.
Going for walks and inconspicious activities that burn calories is a good idea, plus you get to spend more time together without electronics, televisions, etc. interrupting you.
If you want to go for the gold... tell her you want to learn to salsa or some other high-calorie burning dance. Not only will she be impressed by the whole undertaking, she'll never know your secret.
posted by JFitzpatrick at 8:34 AM on February 16, 2006
Going for walks and inconspicious activities that burn calories is a good idea, plus you get to spend more time together without electronics, televisions, etc. interrupting you.
If you want to go for the gold... tell her you want to learn to salsa or some other high-calorie burning dance. Not only will she be impressed by the whole undertaking, she'll never know your secret.
posted by JFitzpatrick at 8:34 AM on February 16, 2006
Read the answers to this AskMe Question
I'm not going to quote what I said there in this question, but I encourage you to read the question and all the answers.
I also wonder: why did she gain this weight. Is it just that she's eating more and being less active? Or did she start a new medication (perhaps birth control pills) that caused her to gain some weight despite her still eating the same and being as active. Or maybe she's under stress at her job?
Some day, you are going to develop a gut, or lose you hair, you'll both become old, change shape, perhaps even (heaven forbid!) becomes ill -- if these things happen, how would you want her to handle it?
posted by anastasiav at 8:35 AM on February 16, 2006
I'm not going to quote what I said there in this question, but I encourage you to read the question and all the answers.
I also wonder: why did she gain this weight. Is it just that she's eating more and being less active? Or did she start a new medication (perhaps birth control pills) that caused her to gain some weight despite her still eating the same and being as active. Or maybe she's under stress at her job?
Some day, you are going to develop a gut, or lose you hair, you'll both become old, change shape, perhaps even (heaven forbid!) becomes ill -- if these things happen, how would you want her to handle it?
posted by anastasiav at 8:35 AM on February 16, 2006
You need to find someone more like yourself - thin and shallow. Hopefully your girlfriend will find happiness with a real man.
Oh lard, give me a break. It's perfectly normal for people to find others unattractive when they've gained weight. It's not shallow, it's part of being a human. But you sound like you're reacting emotionally, and not really rationally with such a response, but so be it.
Tough thing is I don't think you can tell her, without causing some rift. Like others said I think you need to try to get her involved with more activity and be careful where you guys go out to eat (and how often).
posted by xmutex at 8:50 AM on February 16, 2006
Oh lard, give me a break. It's perfectly normal for people to find others unattractive when they've gained weight. It's not shallow, it's part of being a human. But you sound like you're reacting emotionally, and not really rationally with such a response, but so be it.
Tough thing is I don't think you can tell her, without causing some rift. Like others said I think you need to try to get her involved with more activity and be careful where you guys go out to eat (and how often).
posted by xmutex at 8:50 AM on February 16, 2006
If you don't want to hurt her feelings you have only two options; become attracted to her, or hope she loses weight somehow. Not telling her and still not being attracted to her will hurt her feelings, telling her will hurt her feelings, and leaving will hurt her feelings, somehow tricking into losing weight won't work and will hurt her feelings. The only difference is the temporal element of when you hurt her feelings.
Becoming attracted to her as she is may in fact be an option, I don't know how it would be done but I don't think it would be easy or impossible. I think it might have something to do with always acting as though you find her incredibly attractive until it comes true.
I say put on your goulashes, tell her how you feel, talk about possible solutions, and wait for the flood. This might end things, but things end.
posted by I Foody at 8:54 AM on February 16, 2006
Becoming attracted to her as she is may in fact be an option, I don't know how it would be done but I don't think it would be easy or impossible. I think it might have something to do with always acting as though you find her incredibly attractive until it comes true.
I say put on your goulashes, tell her how you feel, talk about possible solutions, and wait for the flood. This might end things, but things end.
posted by I Foody at 8:54 AM on February 16, 2006
If your girlfriend cuts all her hair off, it won't break her heart to say "this is nice but I kinda miss your hair." It will grow back, but not right away, and unless she's really insecure, she'll just say "yeah, well, I was sick of it so you'll have to deal with me this way for a while."
Women can be brutal when they have a comment to pass on: "That facial hair? Nuh-uh. I mean, what were you thinking?" Or: "Are you really going to wear that t-shirt? I know you like it, but honey, it's got to go." Or: "Eww! You're touching me with your scary back-hairs!" People in a couple exchange remarks about each other's appearance all the time. It can be playful, it can be hurtful, it can be normal, it can be a disaster.
In addition to the supportive exercising and all, I suggest you try to break down the veil of discomfort about talking about this stuff. If you have this high wall of "don't talk about the way I look because it = my soul and cannot be changed" then I think there's some dysfunction going on. Of course, it's always helpful to have more compliments than criticisms being exchanged. But while the weight thing is touchy, I don't think it's untouchable.
With sufficient trust, it doesn't have to be a disaster to say something like "I noticed you gained some weight. How are you feeling? Did anything change? What do you think about it?" Don't jump straight to "I am not attracted to you anymore," but you *can* open up the subject tactfully.
posted by scarabic at 9:00 AM on February 16, 2006
Women can be brutal when they have a comment to pass on: "That facial hair? Nuh-uh. I mean, what were you thinking?" Or: "Are you really going to wear that t-shirt? I know you like it, but honey, it's got to go." Or: "Eww! You're touching me with your scary back-hairs!" People in a couple exchange remarks about each other's appearance all the time. It can be playful, it can be hurtful, it can be normal, it can be a disaster.
In addition to the supportive exercising and all, I suggest you try to break down the veil of discomfort about talking about this stuff. If you have this high wall of "don't talk about the way I look because it = my soul and cannot be changed" then I think there's some dysfunction going on. Of course, it's always helpful to have more compliments than criticisms being exchanged. But while the weight thing is touchy, I don't think it's untouchable.
With sufficient trust, it doesn't have to be a disaster to say something like "I noticed you gained some weight. How are you feeling? Did anything change? What do you think about it?" Don't jump straight to "I am not attracted to you anymore," but you *can* open up the subject tactfully.
posted by scarabic at 9:00 AM on February 16, 2006
I agree with the folks who suggest cooking healthier for both of you and trying to do active stuff as a couple. The advantage is that you can get in better shape at the same time, and it'll be fun.
As someone whose longterm boyfriend said the same thing (not attracted with the weight gain), even though he tried to be open, honest and gentle about it, for me, it has left permanent scars on our relationship, and I resent it. Even after I lost the weight on my own.
posted by ugf at 9:03 AM on February 16, 2006
As someone whose longterm boyfriend said the same thing (not attracted with the weight gain), even though he tried to be open, honest and gentle about it, for me, it has left permanent scars on our relationship, and I resent it. Even after I lost the weight on my own.
posted by ugf at 9:03 AM on February 16, 2006
Dang, I'd just be tactful but direct. I'd want to be told in her shoes. Knowing that she has been finding me less attractive would be one of the few things that would make me want to enfitten myself. I'd probably actually resent it if I felt she was trying to manipulate me into exercise.
With that answer, though, I'm assuming that anony's partner's problem is only one of weight. Which is quite an assumption.
(Speaking as someone who's been in a romantic relationship for 13 years.)
posted by skryche at 9:07 AM on February 16, 2006
With that answer, though, I'm assuming that anony's partner's problem is only one of weight. Which is quite an assumption.
(Speaking as someone who's been in a romantic relationship for 13 years.)
posted by skryche at 9:07 AM on February 16, 2006
I personally would not want to be with a partner who couldn't put "a bit of a gut" aside and love me anyway. Questions like these make me doubt the validity of my relationship, as I have quite a lanky boyfriend, quite a gut that's appeared since his debut in my life and a hell of a sex life.
Yes, it's normal to not be attracted to someone who's gained a few. But your girlfriend? Why are you even dating her? Do her a favor and gtfo, for her sake.
posted by sian at 9:12 AM on February 16, 2006
Yes, it's normal to not be attracted to someone who's gained a few. But your girlfriend? Why are you even dating her? Do her a favor and gtfo, for her sake.
posted by sian at 9:12 AM on February 16, 2006
For me this hinges on how much weight she's gained, and how quickly.
If it's just 'somewhat of a gut,' then this is your problem, not hers. People's bodies change shapes as they get older. None of us will look young and beautiful forever. If you're incapable of being attracted to someone who doesn't have rock-hard abs, you better get used to not having sex much once you no longer have them yourself.
If she's gained an unhealthy amount of weight -- or if it's a smaller but rapid weight gain -- then you guys do need to talk about it, because there's something going on that's causing it. But know that it will be an uncomfortable and painful conversation. You say you don't want to see the hurt in her eyes if you "say it the wrong way"... but what you're saying is hurtful. There's no magic way to say it that will make it not hurtful.
posted by ook at 9:13 AM on February 16, 2006
If it's just 'somewhat of a gut,' then this is your problem, not hers. People's bodies change shapes as they get older. None of us will look young and beautiful forever. If you're incapable of being attracted to someone who doesn't have rock-hard abs, you better get used to not having sex much once you no longer have them yourself.
If she's gained an unhealthy amount of weight -- or if it's a smaller but rapid weight gain -- then you guys do need to talk about it, because there's something going on that's causing it. But know that it will be an uncomfortable and painful conversation. You say you don't want to see the hurt in her eyes if you "say it the wrong way"... but what you're saying is hurtful. There's no magic way to say it that will make it not hurtful.
posted by ook at 9:13 AM on February 16, 2006
And I apologize for the double post, but hindsight is 20/20:
You don't think she recieves shit about getting thin on a daily basis in the first place? Girls and women are constantly bombarded with "lose weight" in neon flashing lights. Wouldn't you want to provide a safe haven for her, being her best friend and lover?
posted by sian at 9:16 AM on February 16, 2006
You don't think she recieves shit about getting thin on a daily basis in the first place? Girls and women are constantly bombarded with "lose weight" in neon flashing lights. Wouldn't you want to provide a safe haven for her, being her best friend and lover?
posted by sian at 9:16 AM on February 16, 2006
You really need to be forthright. No one else will tell her to go to the gym, only you will.
She may not even realize it. Maybe get a gym membership for yourself, and encourage her to go as your guest.
If she keeps eating, knowing all of this, leave her. Life is much to short to fuck around with something that goes against what you want from life.
posted by The Jesse Helms at 9:39 AM on February 16, 2006
She may not even realize it. Maybe get a gym membership for yourself, and encourage her to go as your guest.
If she keeps eating, knowing all of this, leave her. Life is much to short to fuck around with something that goes against what you want from life.
posted by The Jesse Helms at 9:39 AM on February 16, 2006
Oh, and don't let people berate you with "thin and shallow" bullshit. It's your life friend, not theirs. Let them go shopping at Lane Bryant with someone else.
posted by The Jesse Helms at 9:42 AM on February 16, 2006
posted by The Jesse Helms at 9:42 AM on February 16, 2006
If you're not as attracted to her, she will pick up on this. She may not recognize it consciously, but there will be signs. Best not to let it fester. What follows is a long and detailed response, from the heart, of my own personal experience with this very issue. Please take the time to read it through fully before formulating a response.
So, first off, you're not being shallow. You are still attracted to her, just not physically. And why not? Because her physical characteristics have changed. My S.O. put on a lot of weight around the time we started dating steadily because of a bad previous relationship. I love her to death, but she needs to lose weight for her health (this is not 5-10 lbs. we're talking about). It's not a physical issue so much as if I plan to have a life and children with someone, I want her staying around and mobile. I feel like I was never as close with my mother because she was not active with me the way my father was. I don't want my kids to have that. At the same time, she is a wonderful woman who would make an excellent mother in many respects. But I don't think it makes you shallow to want your partner to be the best person she can be; it's good for your genes. At the same time, you have to also maintain yourself (physically, mentally, spiritually). My girl and I got bikes and went riding together, walks, dancing (which she LOVES! so this is a favorite).
What I did was explain to her how in my family I have a number of relatives who have always been heavy. Now they are having health problems in their 40s and 50s that they shouldn't see for another 20 years. One of my mom's cousins couldn't even walk for awhile (and I think introducing my gf to her may have scared her straight, even if that wasn't my intention), though she's gotten better now she'll need a cane for the rest of her life no matter what her weight due to the damage she's done to herself. I explained to her how much I love her, and that I am not going anywhere, and how I will support her (for awhile I ate whatever she ate, and it was cute for a bit but now we're less uncomfortable about that). We have a very loving relationship and are very open with each other. She calls me sometimes and tells me she's scared about losing the weight and that I will leave her. But I have to remind her that I don't want anyone but her, but I want her+healthy. At the same time, I told her (this was several months after the initial conversation; not something to lead off with) that while I had no interest in running around that it wasn't fair to expect someone to stay attracted to you if you don't take care of yourself. To love someone else, you gotta love yourself; the same thing holds true for expecting someone to love you. How can you expect someone else to care about you if you don't care about yourself? If you think you're worthless and someone else thinks you're wonderful, you think their opinion is worthless (that's the logical conclusion we make subconsciously, even if it's not entirely rational). Conversely, if someone thinks you're wonderful, you must have something wonderful about you worth loving and taking care of. It took her awhile to process this, but she wasn't mad at me the way I thought she would be (told you she was wonderful! Smart, too!) and said she understood. And that it made her want to start taking care of herself.
It's not as simply a case of "I love you now change" the way a lot of people are making it out to be in this thread. I understand that. Love and sex are not the same thing, and you can love someone who fails to turn you on. But I think if you're going to spend the rest of your life chained to one person, that person should be as many things to you as possible (friend & lover & caretaker & care-took, if that's a word). But also be understanding of slow change, and that no one's perfect. My lady love and I celebrate in one way or another every week that she's down at Weight Watchers, even if it's a tenth of a pound. Every step in the right direction counts. Lots of positive reinforcement. Minimize the preachiness and do things together. Never let her forget for an instant that you love her and that this is important to you only because she is important to you. But sometimes you have to push. I didn't for awhile and my girlfriend only got worse. Now it's harder for her to dig herself out. Be gentle, but firm. If it's about her health, she has to do this; not for you, or the next guy, or for other people, but for herself. I know I've done right when after we have one of our conversations she showers me with kisses. As reinforcement goes, that's made me very good at providing just the right kind of encouragement. ;)
E-mail's in my profile. And if you do want to talk, or your gf wants to talk after you two have a heart-to-heart, I'm sure my sweetie will not mind talking to her about the female perspective.
I hope I've done the issue justice. I'll probably show this answer to her when she's over tomorrow and get her feedback, so hopefully she will also have some response which she can post under my login. Good luck, and good love to you both.
posted by Eideteker at 9:47 AM on February 16, 2006 [1 favorite]
So, first off, you're not being shallow. You are still attracted to her, just not physically. And why not? Because her physical characteristics have changed. My S.O. put on a lot of weight around the time we started dating steadily because of a bad previous relationship. I love her to death, but she needs to lose weight for her health (this is not 5-10 lbs. we're talking about). It's not a physical issue so much as if I plan to have a life and children with someone, I want her staying around and mobile. I feel like I was never as close with my mother because she was not active with me the way my father was. I don't want my kids to have that. At the same time, she is a wonderful woman who would make an excellent mother in many respects. But I don't think it makes you shallow to want your partner to be the best person she can be; it's good for your genes. At the same time, you have to also maintain yourself (physically, mentally, spiritually). My girl and I got bikes and went riding together, walks, dancing (which she LOVES! so this is a favorite).
What I did was explain to her how in my family I have a number of relatives who have always been heavy. Now they are having health problems in their 40s and 50s that they shouldn't see for another 20 years. One of my mom's cousins couldn't even walk for awhile (and I think introducing my gf to her may have scared her straight, even if that wasn't my intention), though she's gotten better now she'll need a cane for the rest of her life no matter what her weight due to the damage she's done to herself. I explained to her how much I love her, and that I am not going anywhere, and how I will support her (for awhile I ate whatever she ate, and it was cute for a bit but now we're less uncomfortable about that). We have a very loving relationship and are very open with each other. She calls me sometimes and tells me she's scared about losing the weight and that I will leave her. But I have to remind her that I don't want anyone but her, but I want her+healthy. At the same time, I told her (this was several months after the initial conversation; not something to lead off with) that while I had no interest in running around that it wasn't fair to expect someone to stay attracted to you if you don't take care of yourself. To love someone else, you gotta love yourself; the same thing holds true for expecting someone to love you. How can you expect someone else to care about you if you don't care about yourself? If you think you're worthless and someone else thinks you're wonderful, you think their opinion is worthless (that's the logical conclusion we make subconsciously, even if it's not entirely rational). Conversely, if someone thinks you're wonderful, you must have something wonderful about you worth loving and taking care of. It took her awhile to process this, but she wasn't mad at me the way I thought she would be (told you she was wonderful! Smart, too!) and said she understood. And that it made her want to start taking care of herself.
It's not as simply a case of "I love you now change" the way a lot of people are making it out to be in this thread. I understand that. Love and sex are not the same thing, and you can love someone who fails to turn you on. But I think if you're going to spend the rest of your life chained to one person, that person should be as many things to you as possible (friend & lover & caretaker & care-took, if that's a word). But also be understanding of slow change, and that no one's perfect. My lady love and I celebrate in one way or another every week that she's down at Weight Watchers, even if it's a tenth of a pound. Every step in the right direction counts. Lots of positive reinforcement. Minimize the preachiness and do things together. Never let her forget for an instant that you love her and that this is important to you only because she is important to you. But sometimes you have to push. I didn't for awhile and my girlfriend only got worse. Now it's harder for her to dig herself out. Be gentle, but firm. If it's about her health, she has to do this; not for you, or the next guy, or for other people, but for herself. I know I've done right when after we have one of our conversations she showers me with kisses. As reinforcement goes, that's made me very good at providing just the right kind of encouragement. ;)
E-mail's in my profile. And if you do want to talk, or your gf wants to talk after you two have a heart-to-heart, I'm sure my sweetie will not mind talking to her about the female perspective.
I hope I've done the issue justice. I'll probably show this answer to her when she's over tomorrow and get her feedback, so hopefully she will also have some response which she can post under my login. Good luck, and good love to you both.
posted by Eideteker at 9:47 AM on February 16, 2006 [1 favorite]
With sufficient trust, it doesn't have to be a disaster to say something like "I noticed you gained some weight. How are you feeling? Did anything change? What do you think about it?" Don't jump straight to "I am not attracted to you anymore," but you *can* open up the subject tactfully.
I absolutely agree.
My partner has opened up conversations about weight that way. I walk 3 to 7 miles 5 days a week now because he suggested it.
(It doesn't feel super awesome that my partner told me to get fit, but it really doesn't have to be earth shattering.)
posted by birdie birdington at 9:49 AM on February 16, 2006
I absolutely agree.
My partner has opened up conversations about weight that way. I walk 3 to 7 miles 5 days a week now because he suggested it.
(It doesn't feel super awesome that my partner told me to get fit, but it really doesn't have to be earth shattering.)
posted by birdie birdington at 9:49 AM on February 16, 2006
I had the same experience ugf had—my fiancé told me he'd really like me to lose the weight I'd put on in the first two years of college by the time we graduated, which was when we were set to get married. But it wasn't until I broke off the engagement that I could bring myself to work on losing weight for myself, 'cause I wanted to be attractive for all the other guys out there. Losing weight and going after other guys felt freeing, 'cause they didn't know me when I was overweight, so I didn't feel like they were continually judging me against some past self.
I didn't like being overweight before, and I certainly knew I was overweight—but for whatever reason, I had no motivation to lose the weight when it was just for him. I think part of me feared that the weight loss just wouldn't be enough, and then I'd be stuck with a judgmental asshole who wasn't attracted to me regardless of what I did.
These days, I feel a lot better, having lost about 20 pounds, and I find it much easier to "let go" in bed and in general. But again, I didn't get to that point because a judgmental boyfriend told me I needed to—I got there when I found it in myself to get my act together.
So yeah—she has to want to lose the weight herself. Do your best to foster an environment where that can take place inadvertently, e.g. one where you eat healthy, take walks, etc. But definitely don't tell her flat out, "You need to lose weight."
posted by limeonaire at 9:53 AM on February 16, 2006
I didn't like being overweight before, and I certainly knew I was overweight—but for whatever reason, I had no motivation to lose the weight when it was just for him. I think part of me feared that the weight loss just wouldn't be enough, and then I'd be stuck with a judgmental asshole who wasn't attracted to me regardless of what I did.
These days, I feel a lot better, having lost about 20 pounds, and I find it much easier to "let go" in bed and in general. But again, I didn't get to that point because a judgmental boyfriend told me I needed to—I got there when I found it in myself to get my act together.
So yeah—she has to want to lose the weight herself. Do your best to foster an environment where that can take place inadvertently, e.g. one where you eat healthy, take walks, etc. But definitely don't tell her flat out, "You need to lose weight."
posted by limeonaire at 9:53 AM on February 16, 2006
At the same time, telling a girl who's a healthy weight, but doesn't have the six pack she had when you met her, that you're concerned with her health and want her to have a long and happy life is manipulative, obvious and ridiculous. Don't do that.
(I'm not disagreeing with Eideteker, but I don't know how much weight we're talking about)
posted by crabintheocean at 9:53 AM on February 16, 2006
(I'm not disagreeing with Eideteker, but I don't know how much weight we're talking about)
posted by crabintheocean at 9:53 AM on February 16, 2006
Mod note: a few comments removed, you know the drill
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 10:11 AM on February 16, 2006
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 10:11 AM on February 16, 2006
Being in a committed relationship means that you are committed to taking care of yourself and being healthy. How could anyone who genuinely loves someone not want the other person to be healthy? How can you love someone else without loving yourself?
You should work together to be healthier. You should recognize that the life style you have chosen together, what you eat, what you do, isn't healthy for her, and probably isn't for you whether you notice it or not.
She's the canary in the trenches, and you should tell her that you need to take better care of each other... stop buying food that's bad for you, and start exercising together.
If you can't talk about what you want in a constructive way, then you need to go to a counselor and learn how.
Fat is bad. Tolerance for fat is stupid. Anyone who disagrees deserves their heart disease, diabetes, and colorectal cancer.
posted by ewkpates at 10:17 AM on February 16, 2006
You should work together to be healthier. You should recognize that the life style you have chosen together, what you eat, what you do, isn't healthy for her, and probably isn't for you whether you notice it or not.
She's the canary in the trenches, and you should tell her that you need to take better care of each other... stop buying food that's bad for you, and start exercising together.
If you can't talk about what you want in a constructive way, then you need to go to a counselor and learn how.
Fat is bad. Tolerance for fat is stupid. Anyone who disagrees deserves their heart disease, diabetes, and colorectal cancer.
posted by ewkpates at 10:17 AM on February 16, 2006
Worth pointing out that if you go down the route of helping her to eat more healthily and take more exercise then it'll be quite a while before she returns to the shape of old.
Whether you a prepared to put that amount of time and effort in is something only you know. Additionally she may even like her new (heavier) weight or, after you've helped her lose it, put it all back on again in less than half the time.
posted by mr_silver at 10:30 AM on February 16, 2006
Whether you a prepared to put that amount of time and effort in is something only you know. Additionally she may even like her new (heavier) weight or, after you've helped her lose it, put it all back on again in less than half the time.
posted by mr_silver at 10:30 AM on February 16, 2006
Correct, crabby. In fact, I told my girlfriend there is a weight she is not allowed to go under, because I love her breasts, hips, and butt...ocks (had to keep the plurals running). She is still lovely, and she looked fantastic when she was a swimmer in high school, but I don't expect her to maintain the physique she had at 17 she had to swim 3+ hrs./day to maintain. Look is not the whole picture; I want her soft, squishy, and cuddly. Thin is OUT. But if anon's girlfriend has a problem, it's better to address it tactfully. If they can't work it out, maybe it's best they go their separate ways. But judging from a) the fact he asked and b) the way he suggested they have good communication and can get over obstacles, I would say that he's got a good chance of doing it right and respectfully; he just needs a little help. I remember doing it without help, and I empathize (especially when she would complain to me about her parents harassing her about her weight. That made it REEEeeeal easy to bring up in conversation).
The alternative is to not say anything and wait for her to notice the reduced physical intimacy, affection, and warmth. Which is ten times worse, because she won't know what the problem is (I'm taking this from things my own SO has said in the past). At least if she knows she can make an informed decision if this is something she wants to fix or if she would rather say good-bye. It may not look like it now, but it's better to know now rather than waste time in a relationship going nowhere. But, like I said, it sounds like they do care about each other.
If the asker is being superficial, he should at least be honest about it. Everybody's at least a little superficial. Who knows? Maybe she will get turned on by the thought of 'being' (role-playing or looking like, rather) a "young, hot trophy girlfriend(now)/wife(later)" that he can show off. Some women find that empowering, and some find a bit of jealousy a turn-on because it makes them feel desirable. She may enjoy buying a new slinky dress (or undergarment!) for every size she goes down, just to reduce anon further and further to putty in her hands. He has to hold up his end by really appreciating the effort she is making to basically "keep him." It may not hold true for everyone, but some women like to look and feel sexy. It's up to anon to make her feel sexy. It's up to her to look it (which is actually more to do with how she carries herself, but if the weightloss is a confidence issue, this will actually help/create a positive feedback loop). It's a very thin line to straddle, but the point is really to make her feel better about herself, because that's really what makes her feel/be/act sexy. The thinness is what makes help all the more necessary.
And I'll just reiterate for anonymous or anyone else reading this now or in the archives that I absolutely open to e-mail or IMs if I feel I can be of any help.
posted by Eideteker at 10:30 AM on February 16, 2006
The alternative is to not say anything and wait for her to notice the reduced physical intimacy, affection, and warmth. Which is ten times worse, because she won't know what the problem is (I'm taking this from things my own SO has said in the past). At least if she knows she can make an informed decision if this is something she wants to fix or if she would rather say good-bye. It may not look like it now, but it's better to know now rather than waste time in a relationship going nowhere. But, like I said, it sounds like they do care about each other.
If the asker is being superficial, he should at least be honest about it. Everybody's at least a little superficial. Who knows? Maybe she will get turned on by the thought of 'being' (role-playing or looking like, rather) a "young, hot trophy girlfriend(now)/wife(later)" that he can show off. Some women find that empowering, and some find a bit of jealousy a turn-on because it makes them feel desirable. She may enjoy buying a new slinky dress (or undergarment!) for every size she goes down, just to reduce anon further and further to putty in her hands. He has to hold up his end by really appreciating the effort she is making to basically "keep him." It may not hold true for everyone, but some women like to look and feel sexy. It's up to anon to make her feel sexy. It's up to her to look it (which is actually more to do with how she carries herself, but if the weightloss is a confidence issue, this will actually help/create a positive feedback loop). It's a very thin line to straddle, but the point is really to make her feel better about herself, because that's really what makes her feel/be/act sexy. The thinness is what makes help all the more necessary.
And I'll just reiterate for anonymous or anyone else reading this now or in the archives that I absolutely open to e-mail or IMs if I feel I can be of any help.
posted by Eideteker at 10:30 AM on February 16, 2006
Just tell her. Hiding or trying to bury these sorts of things does a lot more damage in the long term then putting them out in the open. If she's changed in a way you don't like, let her know you don't like it. Do what you can to soften the blow, and make it clear you still love her and want to be with her, but also be clear about what the problem is. Also it's important to make it clear that this is your problem. This is about you, not her. She may be perfectly comfortable with her weight in which case it's you that'll have to compromise or leave. But yeah, if she cares for you, she'll be willing to make some changes. Once the problem is out on the table for all to see you two can work together to fix it.
posted by nixerman at 10:40 AM on February 16, 2006
posted by nixerman at 10:40 AM on February 16, 2006
Huh. Half an hour ago there were 48 comments.
posted by Saucy Intruder at 10:44 AM on February 16, 2006
posted by Saucy Intruder at 10:44 AM on February 16, 2006
You need to tell her. She needs to know how important this is to you. Hope for the best, plan for the worst.
posted by lilboo at 11:23 AM on February 16, 2006
posted by lilboo at 11:23 AM on February 16, 2006
I think ook hit the real point. Is she unhappy with her current weight? Remember that different people really do feel differently about what makes someone attractive. Having "developed somewhat of a gut" may be something she's really unhappy with or may be something she'd be upset you found unattractive. I think the line is different for everyone. I would guess that pretty much everyone would have a point at which someone's weight would alter their perception, but remember that it may not be the same.
I never think of myself as fat, but the last time I was weighed (at a dr's office) I was about 10 lbs heavier than I used to be when I was in college... I don't notice it, don't really think I look different, but my weight probably fluctuates along those lines. But there would be a point over which I would feel yucky. As it is, I look in the mirror & am happy (weightwise) with what I see. But I have had occasions where someone will comment on my having lost weight - to them, I look better (this happened, for instance, after I got chemo treatments :), and another time after a 'cleansing' fast). And this happens in reverse, but I just think my 'line' is not at waifish. People become markedly less attractive to me when they pass a certain point, but I don't think I ever pass that point. But for some folks, the point is clearly earlier on.
So the problem could be that your ideal of attractiveness is thinner than your partner's, which is just kind of a sucky fact of the matter. There are always couples like this, where it seems to outsiders that they "just don't appreciate" what they have, because the fact is that they have different preferences. You can't really control what you're attracted to, though.
So, I think you have to consider:
a) is she happy with her current weight/health?
b) is the change significant to others?
c) are there other stresses on your relationship at the moment?
d) if it's a difference of preference, will she be willing to compromise / work with you to make you happy? would you do analogous things for her?
e) if it's something she's unhappy about already, will she feel more supported or more pressured if you bring it up with her?
posted by mdn at 11:26 AM on February 16, 2006
I never think of myself as fat, but the last time I was weighed (at a dr's office) I was about 10 lbs heavier than I used to be when I was in college... I don't notice it, don't really think I look different, but my weight probably fluctuates along those lines. But there would be a point over which I would feel yucky. As it is, I look in the mirror & am happy (weightwise) with what I see. But I have had occasions where someone will comment on my having lost weight - to them, I look better (this happened, for instance, after I got chemo treatments :), and another time after a 'cleansing' fast). And this happens in reverse, but I just think my 'line' is not at waifish. People become markedly less attractive to me when they pass a certain point, but I don't think I ever pass that point. But for some folks, the point is clearly earlier on.
So the problem could be that your ideal of attractiveness is thinner than your partner's, which is just kind of a sucky fact of the matter. There are always couples like this, where it seems to outsiders that they "just don't appreciate" what they have, because the fact is that they have different preferences. You can't really control what you're attracted to, though.
So, I think you have to consider:
a) is she happy with her current weight/health?
b) is the change significant to others?
c) are there other stresses on your relationship at the moment?
d) if it's a difference of preference, will she be willing to compromise / work with you to make you happy? would you do analogous things for her?
e) if it's something she's unhappy about already, will she feel more supported or more pressured if you bring it up with her?
posted by mdn at 11:26 AM on February 16, 2006
Can you honestly expect not to ever get a little gut? Something about this question suggests to me that you are in your early 20s...
Do yourself a favor: Take a picture of yourself naked now. Wait five years, take another picture. Look at them side-by-side. Re-read this question. Reflect.
posted by misterbrandt at 12:06 PM on February 16, 2006
Do yourself a favor: Take a picture of yourself naked now. Wait five years, take another picture. Look at them side-by-side. Re-read this question. Reflect.
posted by misterbrandt at 12:06 PM on February 16, 2006
Most of the responses here miss the forest for the trees. Yes, pretty much anything you say will hurt her deeply. Yes, it's POSSIBLE you could get her to lose weight via some oblique suggestions ("I'm thinking of taking up jogging. Wanna do it with me?"). But this just delays the problem.
Anon, it sounds like you are in a marriage-type relationship (i.e. long-term, best friends, soulmates). What are you going to do when she gets old and wrinkled? Or, if you end this relationship, what are you going to do when WHOEVER you're with gets old and wrinkled? Unless you're turned on by age, you're going to have to deal with the fact that anyone you're with will become less attractive with age.
I'm not suggesting this is easy to deal with. It's a BIG problem for many people. Which is one of the reasons people have affairs. Sometimes it has nothing to do with looks. Sometimes it has to do with sexual flare. As an old married guy (almost 10 years of marriage), I can tell you that attraction waxes and wanes. Sometimes life in the bedroom gets dull (even with the most attractive woman/man in the world). Sometimes you long for variety.
If you also long for a longterm relationship with a single person (really worthwhile in my opinion), you have to find a way to deal with these feelings.
I'm wondering if there's a way you and your gf can sex things up a bit. Personally (and I think most men are like this -- and most women, too), someone I'm totally unattracted to can suddenly become SUPER hot if they push my buttons the right way. Have you tried getting kinky? Have you discussed (and played out) your fantasies? Watched porn together? Hired a prostitute? Read sex manuals and tried all sorts of crazy positions?
If your either of you is unwilling to spice it up, then there may be other things wrong besides weight gain. Couples therapy might help.
But ultimately, you need to ask yourself what you'd do if your gf got in an accident and became a paraplegic. Would you still stay with her? I'm not suggesting you should. I'm suggesting you should do some deep thinking about what's important to you. Maybe you CAN'T have it all. Maybe certain things are worth settling for. Maybe not.
posted by grumblebee at 12:41 PM on February 16, 2006
Anon, it sounds like you are in a marriage-type relationship (i.e. long-term, best friends, soulmates). What are you going to do when she gets old and wrinkled? Or, if you end this relationship, what are you going to do when WHOEVER you're with gets old and wrinkled? Unless you're turned on by age, you're going to have to deal with the fact that anyone you're with will become less attractive with age.
I'm not suggesting this is easy to deal with. It's a BIG problem for many people. Which is one of the reasons people have affairs. Sometimes it has nothing to do with looks. Sometimes it has to do with sexual flare. As an old married guy (almost 10 years of marriage), I can tell you that attraction waxes and wanes. Sometimes life in the bedroom gets dull (even with the most attractive woman/man in the world). Sometimes you long for variety.
If you also long for a longterm relationship with a single person (really worthwhile in my opinion), you have to find a way to deal with these feelings.
I'm wondering if there's a way you and your gf can sex things up a bit. Personally (and I think most men are like this -- and most women, too), someone I'm totally unattracted to can suddenly become SUPER hot if they push my buttons the right way. Have you tried getting kinky? Have you discussed (and played out) your fantasies? Watched porn together? Hired a prostitute? Read sex manuals and tried all sorts of crazy positions?
If your either of you is unwilling to spice it up, then there may be other things wrong besides weight gain. Couples therapy might help.
But ultimately, you need to ask yourself what you'd do if your gf got in an accident and became a paraplegic. Would you still stay with her? I'm not suggesting you should. I'm suggesting you should do some deep thinking about what's important to you. Maybe you CAN'T have it all. Maybe certain things are worth settling for. Maybe not.
posted by grumblebee at 12:41 PM on February 16, 2006
grumblebee nails it, as usual.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:42 PM on February 16, 2006 [1 favorite]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:42 PM on February 16, 2006 [1 favorite]
I'd like to reiterate something anastasiav said, which is Are there other factors here? Everyone is assuming that the weight-gain is simply from not eating well/exercising. Depression can be a big cause of weight gain, as can anything that changes metabolism (such as medication). So there may be other factors to talk about.
Also, I wouldn't be surprised if she saw right through any kind of "Hey, let's go to the gym together" line. If it's something they've never done before nor had any inclination to do — that is, if it comes out of the blue — it'll send up a red flag in her mind.
And again, people change. Their bodies change, their temperaments change, their passions change. Long-term relationships rest on the periodic re-negotiation of these things. Which means that you _should_ examine your own needs/desires in this area and ask yourself if you can adjust.
posted by drewbeck at 12:59 PM on February 16, 2006
Also, I wouldn't be surprised if she saw right through any kind of "Hey, let's go to the gym together" line. If it's something they've never done before nor had any inclination to do — that is, if it comes out of the blue — it'll send up a red flag in her mind.
And again, people change. Their bodies change, their temperaments change, their passions change. Long-term relationships rest on the periodic re-negotiation of these things. Which means that you _should_ examine your own needs/desires in this area and ask yourself if you can adjust.
posted by drewbeck at 12:59 PM on February 16, 2006
I'm voting for "tactful but direct." It depends on her background (i.e. whether she was brought up being told bluntly about her shortcomings) but it's possible that the best way to deal with this is to confront it head-on. Don't say "I'm not attracted to you," as that's totally unnecessary. Just be honest, and say "you've gained some weight recently, and although I love you and you're my best friend, I wish you could un-gain the weight. I will do anything you want to help you with this."
posted by rxrfrx at 1:12 PM on February 16, 2006
posted by rxrfrx at 1:12 PM on February 16, 2006
rxrfrx, with all due respect: you're male. I'm obviously generalizing here, but we men can't appreciate the devastating effect "I wish you could un-gain the weight" would have on many women (at least on American women).
Perhaps the best male equivalent would be something like, "I wish you could have a bigger penis", "I wish you were less bald," or "I wish you were stronger and more manly," but I'm not sure any of these do justice to the problem.
Most of the women I've met have grown up in a culture that SCREAMS "Fat! fat! Fat!" at them from birth until death. If it doesn't scream, "You're fat," it screams, "if you're bad, God will MAKE you fat." And it also screams, "If you're fat, no one will love you." AND it also screams, "Depressed 'cause you're fat? Have some CHOCOLATE!!! It will make you feel better. And sure, it will make you fatter, but you know what? You were always meant to be fat anyway. No matter how hard you try, no matter how thin you get, you will NEVER be thin enough."
We value slimness in girls SO much that (horribly) we pester our young daughters to stay thin and lose weight. So girls grow up associating thinness with approval (from their MALE dads!) All girls are either bullied for being fat in grade school or high school -- or they see other girls being bullied this way, and know it could happen to them if they ever get fat.
Honestly -- and I say this as a guy who is insecure about pretty much every part of his body and personality (including his weight) -- I don't think there's any true male equivalent to the female/weight issue. Saying, implying or hinting "you're fat" or "you need to lose a little" is the most cruel thing that can be said to many women.
If you have any doubt about the food/fat/female issue, I urge you to watch the film "Eating." As a guy, it spoke volumes to me. Every boyfriend/husband should see it.
And I say ALL of this as a typical male, attracted to slim women. Yes, I am turned off by obesity. Yes, I value honesty and directness in a relationship. No, I would NEVER tell a woman was fat (or even slightly overweight). This is a SPECIAL issue and normal rules re: honesty don't apply. If I couldn't deal with the weight, I would end the relationship. But I hope I could learn to deal with it. Any woman in my life has to deal with all of my imperfections. I hope I could be man enough to deal with hers.
posted by grumblebee at 2:19 PM on February 16, 2006
Perhaps the best male equivalent would be something like, "I wish you could have a bigger penis", "I wish you were less bald," or "I wish you were stronger and more manly," but I'm not sure any of these do justice to the problem.
Most of the women I've met have grown up in a culture that SCREAMS "Fat! fat! Fat!" at them from birth until death. If it doesn't scream, "You're fat," it screams, "if you're bad, God will MAKE you fat." And it also screams, "If you're fat, no one will love you." AND it also screams, "Depressed 'cause you're fat? Have some CHOCOLATE!!! It will make you feel better. And sure, it will make you fatter, but you know what? You were always meant to be fat anyway. No matter how hard you try, no matter how thin you get, you will NEVER be thin enough."
We value slimness in girls SO much that (horribly) we pester our young daughters to stay thin and lose weight. So girls grow up associating thinness with approval (from their MALE dads!) All girls are either bullied for being fat in grade school or high school -- or they see other girls being bullied this way, and know it could happen to them if they ever get fat.
Honestly -- and I say this as a guy who is insecure about pretty much every part of his body and personality (including his weight) -- I don't think there's any true male equivalent to the female/weight issue. Saying, implying or hinting "you're fat" or "you need to lose a little" is the most cruel thing that can be said to many women.
If you have any doubt about the food/fat/female issue, I urge you to watch the film "Eating." As a guy, it spoke volumes to me. Every boyfriend/husband should see it.
And I say ALL of this as a typical male, attracted to slim women. Yes, I am turned off by obesity. Yes, I value honesty and directness in a relationship. No, I would NEVER tell a woman was fat (or even slightly overweight). This is a SPECIAL issue and normal rules re: honesty don't apply. If I couldn't deal with the weight, I would end the relationship. But I hope I could learn to deal with it. Any woman in my life has to deal with all of my imperfections. I hope I could be man enough to deal with hers.
posted by grumblebee at 2:19 PM on February 16, 2006
Similar topics here and here might also be helpful. Good luck.
posted by mewithoutyou at 2:33 PM on February 16, 2006
posted by mewithoutyou at 2:33 PM on February 16, 2006
Ha!.. About 5 years ago someone I fell in love with and was with for a while told me, as honestly and nicely as he could muster, "Sometimes, I find you repulsive." (This was after a year and a half of knowing each other and being in a non-committed relationship.) At that time I internalized it and took it deeply, and it really created some deep issues I've been trying to get over for the last 5 years now. Prior to that, I felt beautiful and wasn't very inhibited and my life felt pretty good from day to day. So it really made me not only think that everyone must think I'm repulsive, but that I must've been wrong in how I felt about myself since the "people see you how you see yourself" rule-of-thumb wasn't working for me.
That was the most hurtful situation I've ever had to endure in my life. I think it affected me more than the death of my father. (I know it probably sounds ridiculous to take it that harshly, but I'm omitting other life-long details that would make this more reasonable.)
So even though I am a person who is all for straightforwardness even when most others aren't, and I'd rather be honest than spare feelings in most cases, in THIS case, please don't say anything, unless she is that rare kind of girl who could probably not internalize it. I'm willing to bet she is not that girl, though.
I have a sort of theory that thinner men (especially men who FEEL small or FEEL too thin or whatever) tend to prefer thinner women, because it's more comfortable to be naked with a woman smaller than you, since she doesn't make you feel small. Maybe she's so much smaller than you that she makes your scrawny ass feel big and even "manly." Conversely, I think plump people tend to prefer plump people because it's more comfortable to be naked with them. If you FEEL fat and especially if you feel ashamed of yourself, getting naked with someone much smaller than you seems to exacerbate that feeling.
So, don't say anything, and in the meantime, perhaps explore the idea that this may have more to do with you (especially how you feel about yourself) than with her.
To provide some anecdotal evidence.. I had a (different from aforementioned) boyfriend for a couple years who was a work-out-a-holic - did all kinds of exercises at least 2 hours a day every day, and he taught cardio kickboxing. He was muscular and had 8% body fat but he was only 5'7" and had a small frame, and I think he felt insecure about that, and I know he felt insecure about many other things, including his face. This was the kind of guy who was never satisfied with anything - was never once faithful to any woman he was with, and no matter how hot and in shape I got I was never good enough for him either. (This was when I was working out maybe 10 hours a week for over a year, had the perfect balance of ab muscles where you could see the muscle tone but it wasn't too muscular for a woman -- and the rest of my body was that way.) It wasn't until we broke up that I realized how "hot" I was via men howling at me (even meatheads at the gym) and for the first time in my life, I knew what it was like to be treated like a piece of meat.
posted by mojabunni at 3:09 PM on February 16, 2006 [1 favorite]
That was the most hurtful situation I've ever had to endure in my life. I think it affected me more than the death of my father. (I know it probably sounds ridiculous to take it that harshly, but I'm omitting other life-long details that would make this more reasonable.)
So even though I am a person who is all for straightforwardness even when most others aren't, and I'd rather be honest than spare feelings in most cases, in THIS case, please don't say anything, unless she is that rare kind of girl who could probably not internalize it. I'm willing to bet she is not that girl, though.
I have a sort of theory that thinner men (especially men who FEEL small or FEEL too thin or whatever) tend to prefer thinner women, because it's more comfortable to be naked with a woman smaller than you, since she doesn't make you feel small. Maybe she's so much smaller than you that she makes your scrawny ass feel big and even "manly." Conversely, I think plump people tend to prefer plump people because it's more comfortable to be naked with them. If you FEEL fat and especially if you feel ashamed of yourself, getting naked with someone much smaller than you seems to exacerbate that feeling.
So, don't say anything, and in the meantime, perhaps explore the idea that this may have more to do with you (especially how you feel about yourself) than with her.
To provide some anecdotal evidence.. I had a (different from aforementioned) boyfriend for a couple years who was a work-out-a-holic - did all kinds of exercises at least 2 hours a day every day, and he taught cardio kickboxing. He was muscular and had 8% body fat but he was only 5'7" and had a small frame, and I think he felt insecure about that, and I know he felt insecure about many other things, including his face. This was the kind of guy who was never satisfied with anything - was never once faithful to any woman he was with, and no matter how hot and in shape I got I was never good enough for him either. (This was when I was working out maybe 10 hours a week for over a year, had the perfect balance of ab muscles where you could see the muscle tone but it wasn't too muscular for a woman -- and the rest of my body was that way.) It wasn't until we broke up that I realized how "hot" I was via men howling at me (even meatheads at the gym) and for the first time in my life, I knew what it was like to be treated like a piece of meat.
posted by mojabunni at 3:09 PM on February 16, 2006 [1 favorite]
I just asked my sister what she thought about this and she said this:
"Well physical attraction is great when you meet someone, but there has to be more than that to sustain a relationship. So apparently physical attraction is all there ever was 'cause now that it's not there anymore, he's lost attraction." Simplistic, but might be worth it to consider how much you are overemphasizing the physical?
Maybe you can tell her that YOU want to go to the gym and work out to build some muscle if you're as skinny as you made yourself sound. Ask her to come along with you as a way to support you and suggest this is something you can do together and feel good about together.
That's to help the surface anyway... though I can't help but feel there are deeper issues here.
posted by mojabunni at 3:34 PM on February 16, 2006
"Well physical attraction is great when you meet someone, but there has to be more than that to sustain a relationship. So apparently physical attraction is all there ever was 'cause now that it's not there anymore, he's lost attraction." Simplistic, but might be worth it to consider how much you are overemphasizing the physical?
Maybe you can tell her that YOU want to go to the gym and work out to build some muscle if you're as skinny as you made yourself sound. Ask her to come along with you as a way to support you and suggest this is something you can do together and feel good about together.
That's to help the surface anyway... though I can't help but feel there are deeper issues here.
posted by mojabunni at 3:34 PM on February 16, 2006
Imagine the hue and cry if anonymous had said, "I'm not attracted to my girlfriend anymore because she lost weight... how do I get her to gain it back?"
I agree with mojabunni's sister... If this is such a big deal, it's because physical attraction was the major basis of the relationship, and now there is nothing.
posted by Shoeburyness at 5:00 PM on February 16, 2006
I agree with mojabunni's sister... If this is such a big deal, it's because physical attraction was the major basis of the relationship, and now there is nothing.
posted by Shoeburyness at 5:00 PM on February 16, 2006
Grumblebee, I agree that saying "you should have a bigger penis" and maybe "don't be so bald" serves no constructive purpose, because these things can't be changed with a simple lifestyle alteration (I'm no expert on potential baldness remedies, so I'm not sure about that one).
Saying "lose a little weight" is a request for the person to put in some work for your sake, not to be someone they're not. 2 or 3 months of eating less and walking more is all it takes to lose a little fat.
And yeah, the reason I mentioned "background" is that I know a lot of US women would be devastated by anyone telling them that they could use to lose a little fat. I see things a little differently because my wife was raised in a culture where if she gained 5 pounds, one of her parents would be like, "you're fat," and this wouldn't be an example of unusually mean parents. This is reflected in her bluntness and ability to communiate in a very straightforward manner.
posted by rxrfrx at 6:44 AM on February 17, 2006
Saying "lose a little weight" is a request for the person to put in some work for your sake, not to be someone they're not. 2 or 3 months of eating less and walking more is all it takes to lose a little fat.
And yeah, the reason I mentioned "background" is that I know a lot of US women would be devastated by anyone telling them that they could use to lose a little fat. I see things a little differently because my wife was raised in a culture where if she gained 5 pounds, one of her parents would be like, "you're fat," and this wouldn't be an example of unusually mean parents. This is reflected in her bluntness and ability to communiate in a very straightforward manner.
posted by rxrfrx at 6:44 AM on February 17, 2006
A factor that's been mentioned that should probably be emphasized here is that if it was a LOT of weight over a short period of time (say, several pounds in a year), that is MUCH different from "What happens when she gets old and wrinkly?" We get old and wrinkly in a very subtle manner over time, likewise as we get a bit older we tend to get softer. But if you're dating someone, and they baloon up 50% in a year, it's not all THAT unexpected to be a bit put off, sexually.
Not that this is necessarily the case. Once again, I wish anon posters could update their questions with additional detail.
posted by antifuse at 7:26 AM on February 17, 2006
Not that this is necessarily the case. Once again, I wish anon posters could update their questions with additional detail.
posted by antifuse at 7:26 AM on February 17, 2006
I've tried being supportive, but as a man who constantly receives jokes based on how it appears he is not eating, I find it hard to practice what I preach.
I'm wondering just what all there is to that statement. The interpretation instinct tends me to is that she is also not happy with her weight and wants to lose weight, and you don't know how to support her because you you don't have to work to be thin. If that's the case, seriously think about ways in which your behavior undermines her attempts. If you are not supporting a healthy lifestyle and healthy pantry at home simply because you don't need to, then you are contributing to the problem.
For most people keeping weight at a healthy level as we age is in fact quite difficult. Most industrial culture is awash in high fat and/or sugar, low nutrition garbage frequently marketed as entertainment rather than sustenance, our metabolisms slow and our lifestyles tend to become more sedentary as we age, and millions of years of evolution gift most people with impulses that are based in the metabolic assumption that putting on fat is a good thing. It requires a sustained lifestyle change that for most is the work of years to develop and become consistent about.
The only useful thing you can do is make it easier for her, that is, particpate and encourage any efforts she initiates to change her lifestyle, and don't rub her nose in the fact that you don't really have to (though if you're eating poorly and being relatively sedentary, the fact that you're skinny doesn't mean you're not harming your health). My wife is the kind of person who can smoke a cigarette every now and again and think nothing of it: I'm not. Either I'm off them completely or I end up pushing a pack a day.
I don't ask her to never smoke, as she enjoys it sometimes, but she doesn't keep a pack around the house or insist on smoking in the living room, you know?
Just how to I tell her, without hurting her feelings, that she's just not attractive the way she is right now?
That is such an absurd question. I wonder how many overweight female lurkers with congenitally skinny partners there are around here? 'Cause they're all about to have a nasty fight with their fellas.
posted by nanojath at 9:38 AM on February 17, 2006
I'm wondering just what all there is to that statement. The interpretation instinct tends me to is that she is also not happy with her weight and wants to lose weight, and you don't know how to support her because you you don't have to work to be thin. If that's the case, seriously think about ways in which your behavior undermines her attempts. If you are not supporting a healthy lifestyle and healthy pantry at home simply because you don't need to, then you are contributing to the problem.
For most people keeping weight at a healthy level as we age is in fact quite difficult. Most industrial culture is awash in high fat and/or sugar, low nutrition garbage frequently marketed as entertainment rather than sustenance, our metabolisms slow and our lifestyles tend to become more sedentary as we age, and millions of years of evolution gift most people with impulses that are based in the metabolic assumption that putting on fat is a good thing. It requires a sustained lifestyle change that for most is the work of years to develop and become consistent about.
The only useful thing you can do is make it easier for her, that is, particpate and encourage any efforts she initiates to change her lifestyle, and don't rub her nose in the fact that you don't really have to (though if you're eating poorly and being relatively sedentary, the fact that you're skinny doesn't mean you're not harming your health). My wife is the kind of person who can smoke a cigarette every now and again and think nothing of it: I'm not. Either I'm off them completely or I end up pushing a pack a day.
I don't ask her to never smoke, as she enjoys it sometimes, but she doesn't keep a pack around the house or insist on smoking in the living room, you know?
Just how to I tell her, without hurting her feelings, that she's just not attractive the way she is right now?
That is such an absurd question. I wonder how many overweight female lurkers with congenitally skinny partners there are around here? 'Cause they're all about to have a nasty fight with their fellas.
posted by nanojath at 9:38 AM on February 17, 2006
That is such an absurd question. I wonder how many overweight female lurkers with congenitally skinny partners there are around here? 'Cause they're all about to have a nasty fight with their fellas.
Oh man. My girlfriend is not (not!) overweight, but I'm a thin guy, and she definitely e-mailed me with a link to this thread and the subject line "Please tell me this isn't you."
Anyway, I think grumblebee gives good advice, as is his wont.
posted by ludwig_van at 3:33 PM on February 17, 2006
Oh man. My girlfriend is not (not!) overweight, but I'm a thin guy, and she definitely e-mailed me with a link to this thread and the subject line "Please tell me this isn't you."
Anyway, I think grumblebee gives good advice, as is his wont.
posted by ludwig_van at 3:33 PM on February 17, 2006
I have a sort of theory that thinner men (especially men who FEEL small or FEEL too thin or whatever) tend to prefer thinner women, because it's more comfortable to be naked with a woman smaller than you, since she doesn't make you feel small. Maybe she's so much smaller than you that she makes your scrawny ass feel big and even "manly."
I think there's plenty of validity to this. It doesn't change things, though. You suggest he consider how much of this situation is how he feels (as in: his problem) but there's no need to place the blame. Attraction is attraction. And being able to put a name to some of its motivations doesn't change its mechanics, nor lessen its importance.
It's absolutely true that much of what we're attracted to has to do with how we perceive ourselves. Your comment, above, is astute. I just wouldn't offer it as any kind of "aha!" that anonymous can now run with, because it doesn't change much.
posted by scarabic at 10:29 AM on February 19, 2006
I think there's plenty of validity to this. It doesn't change things, though. You suggest he consider how much of this situation is how he feels (as in: his problem) but there's no need to place the blame. Attraction is attraction. And being able to put a name to some of its motivations doesn't change its mechanics, nor lessen its importance.
It's absolutely true that much of what we're attracted to has to do with how we perceive ourselves. Your comment, above, is astute. I just wouldn't offer it as any kind of "aha!" that anonymous can now run with, because it doesn't change much.
posted by scarabic at 10:29 AM on February 19, 2006
Many good responses here, and it's been touched on, but I wanted to say again that staying with someone you're not attracted to hurts them anyway. You can't hide it forever, and the choice between being told you're unattractive vs. being turned away in bed repeatedly is not much of a choice.
Unless you're in a marriage-level committment and willing to see this through no matter what, I think you ought to fess up. Saying nothing will lead to saying "goodbye" eventually, if nothing changes. Perhaps you should couch it as "problems with our sexual chemistry" and touch on the weight issue only lightly if at all. But in my estimation your sex life is probably already suffering, and you should be talking about that.
You should never be such an asshole as to say "sometimes I find you repulsive." That's totally inexcusable and not necessary. Be tactful, supportive, fair, and gentle. Share the responsibility (eg: "I'm a small guy and I don't like feeling outsized in bed"). But I'm not in favor of lying utterly to spare someone's feelings. You can't lie utterly, is what I'm saying. Unless you're one hell of an actor and your cock is on push-button remote control.
posted by scarabic at 10:40 AM on February 19, 2006
Unless you're in a marriage-level committment and willing to see this through no matter what, I think you ought to fess up. Saying nothing will lead to saying "goodbye" eventually, if nothing changes. Perhaps you should couch it as "problems with our sexual chemistry" and touch on the weight issue only lightly if at all. But in my estimation your sex life is probably already suffering, and you should be talking about that.
You should never be such an asshole as to say "sometimes I find you repulsive." That's totally inexcusable and not necessary. Be tactful, supportive, fair, and gentle. Share the responsibility (eg: "I'm a small guy and I don't like feeling outsized in bed"). But I'm not in favor of lying utterly to spare someone's feelings. You can't lie utterly, is what I'm saying. Unless you're one hell of an actor and your cock is on push-button remote control.
posted by scarabic at 10:40 AM on February 19, 2006
It doesn't change things, though. [...] And being able to put a name to some of its motivations doesn't change its mechanics, nor lessen its importance. [...] I just wouldn't offer it as any kind of "aha!" that anonymous can now run with, because it doesn't change much.
I disagree. I think realization is half the battle. Putting it into perspective can help propel this person to come to a better decision -- his decision, not yours or mine. I think there are too many unknowns here (an anonymous user posting a couple paragraphs on the Internet) for anyone to give a hard and fast "answer," so why not offer food for thought?
Maybe he can realize that he's feeling unattracted because it's impossible to feel aroused when you're hung up about feeling small or inferior. Or maybe it will help him realize that's not the case and further validate his need to end it. Who knows... As wise men have suggested, it's not the outcome that matters but what you've learned.
posted by mojabunni at 1:56 PM on February 19, 2006
I disagree. I think realization is half the battle. Putting it into perspective can help propel this person to come to a better decision -- his decision, not yours or mine. I think there are too many unknowns here (an anonymous user posting a couple paragraphs on the Internet) for anyone to give a hard and fast "answer," so why not offer food for thought?
Maybe he can realize that he's feeling unattracted because it's impossible to feel aroused when you're hung up about feeling small or inferior. Or maybe it will help him realize that's not the case and further validate his need to end it. Who knows... As wise men have suggested, it's not the outcome that matters but what you've learned.
posted by mojabunni at 1:56 PM on February 19, 2006
...staying with someone you're not attracted to hurts them anyway.
The assumption here seems to be that while one can grow unattracted to someone, one can't grow re-attracted to someone. Personally, I've found that to be false. I've had relationships where attraction has waxed and waned. Just because I'm not attracted THIS month, doesn't mean I won't be NEXT month. Of course, for that to happen, something probably has to change. What changes MIGHT be weight -- but it might be other things, i.e. skill in the sack, intimacy, etc.
If you're "just dating around," it may not be worth waiting out the not-attracted periods. But if the relationship is serious and longterm, you're selling it short if you say, "That's it. I'm unnattracted. I'm outahere!"
My wife and I were talking just the other day about how we have one of the best, most-stable marriages we know. Most of our friends have gotten divorces years ago, but here we are, still together, still in love, etc.
Do we have problems? Of course! But I think one of the reasons we're so long-lasting has to do with expectation. My wife is a beautiful, lovely, sexy woman, but do I EXPECT to be attracted to her all the time? No. That's not part of my mindset. It wouldn't occur to me for a second to leave her if I felt unattracted to her. Sure, if I stayed unattracted for months or years I would consider this a problem that needs to be dealt with.
I think most young couples take an overly romantic view of longterm relationships. They expect the spark to be everlasting, they expect eyes to never wander, etc. Romance is great, but it's pretty much impossible to keep it 100% aflame ALL the time. Part of being in an adult, committed, longterm relationship is simply honoring the commitment. Honoring what you've built together.
At 40, I REALLY see the value of having someone to grow old with. My wife and I share SO much history. What if I got unattracted to her and left her? What would I do then? Start over with someone new? I guess so. But that knew person wouldn't have lived through 9-11 with me, wouldn't have dealt with deaths of family members with me, wouldn't share volumes of in-jokes with me, etc. All that shared experience is worth fighting for and sticking with!
posted by grumblebee at 2:42 PM on February 19, 2006
The assumption here seems to be that while one can grow unattracted to someone, one can't grow re-attracted to someone. Personally, I've found that to be false. I've had relationships where attraction has waxed and waned. Just because I'm not attracted THIS month, doesn't mean I won't be NEXT month. Of course, for that to happen, something probably has to change. What changes MIGHT be weight -- but it might be other things, i.e. skill in the sack, intimacy, etc.
If you're "just dating around," it may not be worth waiting out the not-attracted periods. But if the relationship is serious and longterm, you're selling it short if you say, "That's it. I'm unnattracted. I'm outahere!"
My wife and I were talking just the other day about how we have one of the best, most-stable marriages we know. Most of our friends have gotten divorces years ago, but here we are, still together, still in love, etc.
Do we have problems? Of course! But I think one of the reasons we're so long-lasting has to do with expectation. My wife is a beautiful, lovely, sexy woman, but do I EXPECT to be attracted to her all the time? No. That's not part of my mindset. It wouldn't occur to me for a second to leave her if I felt unattracted to her. Sure, if I stayed unattracted for months or years I would consider this a problem that needs to be dealt with.
I think most young couples take an overly romantic view of longterm relationships. They expect the spark to be everlasting, they expect eyes to never wander, etc. Romance is great, but it's pretty much impossible to keep it 100% aflame ALL the time. Part of being in an adult, committed, longterm relationship is simply honoring the commitment. Honoring what you've built together.
At 40, I REALLY see the value of having someone to grow old with. My wife and I share SO much history. What if I got unattracted to her and left her? What would I do then? Start over with someone new? I guess so. But that knew person wouldn't have lived through 9-11 with me, wouldn't have dealt with deaths of family members with me, wouldn't share volumes of in-jokes with me, etc. All that shared experience is worth fighting for and sticking with!
posted by grumblebee at 2:42 PM on February 19, 2006
Even though this post is old, I had to throw in my comment. I am the girl...just so you know. I am completely in love with my boyfriend. In fact, we are living together. We are early 30's and have great communication. BOTH of us are very sexual (we're both Libras) but physical sexual attractiveness has been an issue for us since the very beginning. We both knew it. We are still dealing with it. EVERY OTHER aspect of our relationship is PERFECT...I mean it. We are connected ina way that neither one of us felt possible. We lay together on the couch every evening and cuddle. We ride bikes together, we work out at the gym together and both of us say we are each other's best friend. Sexually, we're okay. he has no trouble getting it up or maintaining or anything and I am satisfied. But our conversations about it revolve around whether or not he is willing to "compromise" sexual intimacy for what we have. He said the secual fireworks were better with previosu partners. Our record is going 23 days without sex. Believe me I'm not a cold fish by any means and have done everything he's asked. We are both attractive people. I am about 20-30 pounds overweight, but I wouldn't say I'm "fat". I even ran a marathon last year. But I asked if I lost weight if it would make a difference and he said he didn't know. He says he doesn't want to break up. He wants to see if things change. He is the love of my life and I can't imagine life without him. This SAME ISSUE came up only about 3 months into our relationship and we broke up. I started dating another man (my heart wasn't in it but I was trying to move on) and he couldn't take it and BEGGED me to come back to him. I did and neither of us can imagine the other with anyone else.
I don;t know what to do and am crying while I write this. Not only the two of us our in love but both of our families adore each other. They're just waiting with bated breath for our engagement. We've told no one about this issue and we have decided we won't take that step of engagement until we are sure we'll be okay. I hope someone reads this. ALSO, I'd liek to know what happened with the issue above. One last item. In our discussion, his exact words were that he wanted to be able to explore each other and not just have sex. I am insecure about my body BUT ONLY because I know he has an issue being attracted to me. I have a scar on my stomach that I depsise and I've never taken off my shirt in front of him. During sex I wear a tank top and pull the straps down so about 5 inches of my midriff is covered. I told him I'd try to get to the point of being naked with him and he honestly aid to me...that he was worried if I did that it may wipe out the small amount of sexual attraction he DOES have for me. I'm not mad at him for saying that. I'm just so sad. I want better for him...and frankly for me. but I can't imagine finding anyone better than him. I never did before him anyway.
Thanks to anyone that may respond. :-)
posted by VegasAnna at 5:34 PM on April 11, 2006
I don;t know what to do and am crying while I write this. Not only the two of us our in love but both of our families adore each other. They're just waiting with bated breath for our engagement. We've told no one about this issue and we have decided we won't take that step of engagement until we are sure we'll be okay. I hope someone reads this. ALSO, I'd liek to know what happened with the issue above. One last item. In our discussion, his exact words were that he wanted to be able to explore each other and not just have sex. I am insecure about my body BUT ONLY because I know he has an issue being attracted to me. I have a scar on my stomach that I depsise and I've never taken off my shirt in front of him. During sex I wear a tank top and pull the straps down so about 5 inches of my midriff is covered. I told him I'd try to get to the point of being naked with him and he honestly aid to me...that he was worried if I did that it may wipe out the small amount of sexual attraction he DOES have for me. I'm not mad at him for saying that. I'm just so sad. I want better for him...and frankly for me. but I can't imagine finding anyone better than him. I never did before him anyway.
Thanks to anyone that may respond. :-)
posted by VegasAnna at 5:34 PM on April 11, 2006
This thread is closed to new comments.
The only way to address the situation is by being positive. Try something like.. "Hey you want to take tennis lessons with me?". That's your only chance bucko.
posted by rdurbin at 6:26 AM on February 16, 2006