What are some good senior jokes where the elderly come out on top?
October 7, 2018 9:17 AM Subscribe
There are a lot of jokes making fun of seniors. What are some jokes where the seniors come out winners? Where they aren't the butt of the joke?
President Woodrow Wilson used to tell a joke about meeting an elderly gentleman who had known Mark Twain when they were both young men. He asked him if he remembered Huck Finn, Tom Sawyer, etc. When he asked if he remembered Pudd'nhead Wilson, the old man said, “Yes, I voted for him last year.”
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:15 AM on October 7, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:15 AM on October 7, 2018 [3 favorites]
An elderly woman is carefully maneuvering her car to line it up for a tight parking space in a lot. Suddenly, a teenager in a convertible screeches in from the other direction and pulls into the space.
As the girl gets out of the car, she grins and says "Sorry, Grandma, but you've got to be young and fast."
The older woman, in response, gently accelerates, plowing into the convertible. She backs up and does it again, ramming the convertible's bumper until it's totally destroyed! As the teen watches in horror, she rolls down her window and smiles gently, saying "Sorry, my dear, but you've got to be old and have good car insurance!"
posted by What is E. T. short for? at 11:58 AM on October 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
As the girl gets out of the car, she grins and says "Sorry, Grandma, but you've got to be young and fast."
The older woman, in response, gently accelerates, plowing into the convertible. She backs up and does it again, ramming the convertible's bumper until it's totally destroyed! As the teen watches in horror, she rolls down her window and smiles gently, saying "Sorry, my dear, but you've got to be old and have good car insurance!"
posted by What is E. T. short for? at 11:58 AM on October 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
An old man and his grandson are playing golf. The grandson hits the ball into the rough near a tree. The grandfather says, “When I was your age I could hit my ball over that tree!” Try and try again and the grandson couldn’t hit the ball over the tree. He finally gives up and says “Okay, how did you do it?” The grandfather replies, “When I was your age that tree was only a few feet tall.”
posted by Crystalinne at 12:06 PM on October 7, 2018 [18 favorites]
posted by Crystalinne at 12:06 PM on October 7, 2018 [18 favorites]
The older woman, in response, gently accelerates, plowing into the convertible. She backs up and does it again, ramming the convertible's bumper until it's totally destroyed!
This works fine as a joke, but be aware that it's a retelling of a scene from Fried Green Tomatoes.
posted by zamboni at 12:22 PM on October 7, 2018 [9 favorites]
This works fine as a joke, but be aware that it's a retelling of a scene from Fried Green Tomatoes.
Towanda!
posted by zamboni at 12:22 PM on October 7, 2018 [9 favorites]
How about a very old joke about an elderly person?
"A young man invited into his home frisky old women. He said to his servants: "Mix a drink for one, and have sex with the other, if she wants to." The women spoke up as one: "I'm not thirsty."
Philogelos, #245A, third or fourth century AD.
posted by Sterros at 1:04 PM on October 7, 2018 [12 favorites]
"A young man invited into his home frisky old women. He said to his servants: "Mix a drink for one, and have sex with the other, if she wants to." The women spoke up as one: "I'm not thirsty."
Philogelos, #245A, third or fourth century AD.
posted by Sterros at 1:04 PM on October 7, 2018 [12 favorites]
A young man with a brightly coloured mohawk catches an older man staring at his rainbow hair.
"What's the matter, old man? Have you never done anything wild in your life?" he asks.
The older man replies: "Well, one time I got stoned and had sex with a parrot. I was wondering if you were my son."
posted by Cheese Monster at 3:51 PM on October 7, 2018 [15 favorites]
"What's the matter, old man? Have you never done anything wild in your life?" he asks.
The older man replies: "Well, one time I got stoned and had sex with a parrot. I was wondering if you were my son."
posted by Cheese Monster at 3:51 PM on October 7, 2018 [15 favorites]
There was an old bull and a young bull up on a hill, looking out over a pasture full of beautiful cows.
The young bull said, "Wow, look at those gorgeous cows! Let's run down there and have relations with one of 'em."
The old bull said, "Let's walk down there and have relations with all of 'em."
posted by 8603 at 4:37 PM on October 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
The young bull said, "Wow, look at those gorgeous cows! Let's run down there and have relations with one of 'em."
The old bull said, "Let's walk down there and have relations with all of 'em."
posted by 8603 at 4:37 PM on October 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
A new minister went to visit an elderly parishioner. She offered him a seat and a bowl of peanuts, and they began to chat.
Finally, he realized he was being selfish. "Mrs. Smith," he said, "I'm sorry, I've been eating all of your delicious peanuts. Why don't you have some?"
"Oh, Reverend," she said "I don't have any teeth left, all I can do these days is suck off the chocolate."
posted by bunderful at 5:31 PM on October 7, 2018 [9 favorites]
Finally, he realized he was being selfish. "Mrs. Smith," he said, "I'm sorry, I've been eating all of your delicious peanuts. Why don't you have some?"
"Oh, Reverend," she said "I don't have any teeth left, all I can do these days is suck off the chocolate."
posted by bunderful at 5:31 PM on October 7, 2018 [9 favorites]
An elderly man was having hearing problems and went to see a specialist. The doctor fitted him with some hearing aids that brought his hearing back to full strength.
After a few weeks the man came back to make sure the new equipment was working properly, which it was.
The hearing specialist said, “It all seems perfect. Your family should be delighted you can hear everything now.”
“Oh no,” the man responded. “I haven’t told any of them. I just sit quietly, listening carefully. I’ve changed my will four times.”
posted by bunderful at 5:36 PM on October 7, 2018 [18 favorites]
After a few weeks the man came back to make sure the new equipment was working properly, which it was.
The hearing specialist said, “It all seems perfect. Your family should be delighted you can hear everything now.”
“Oh no,” the man responded. “I haven’t told any of them. I just sit quietly, listening carefully. I’ve changed my will four times.”
posted by bunderful at 5:36 PM on October 7, 2018 [18 favorites]
On an overseas flight, a lawyer and an older man were in adjoining seats. The lawyer asked the senior if he’d like to play a little game. The older man was tired, and he told the lawyer he only wanted to sleep. But the lawyer insisted the game was a lot of fun.
“Here’s how it works,” he said. “I’ll ask you a question. If you can’t come up with the answer, you have to give me a dollar. Then it’s your turn to ask me one. But if I can’t answer it, I have to give you $20.”
The senior figured if he just got this over with, maybe he could get some sleep. So he agreed to play. The first question from the lawyer was “How far apart are the earth and the moon?”
The senior stayed completely silent, reached for a dollar, and gave it to the lawyer. Then he said, “My turn. What walks upstairs backward and comes downstairs forward?”
The lawyer was stumped. He thought and thought. He tried to remember all the riddles he knew. He searched every corner of his brain. He even cheated and asked the flight attendants and other passengers.
Finally he gave up. He woke up the older man and gave him a twenty. The senior stuffed the twenty in his coat and went immediately back to sleep. The lawyer couldn’t stand it. He woke up the older man and said, “I have to know. What walks upstairs backward and comes downstairs forward?”
The senior got out his wallet, gave the lawyer a dollar, and went back to sleep.
posted by bunderful at 5:38 PM on October 7, 2018 [33 favorites]
“Here’s how it works,” he said. “I’ll ask you a question. If you can’t come up with the answer, you have to give me a dollar. Then it’s your turn to ask me one. But if I can’t answer it, I have to give you $20.”
The senior figured if he just got this over with, maybe he could get some sleep. So he agreed to play. The first question from the lawyer was “How far apart are the earth and the moon?”
The senior stayed completely silent, reached for a dollar, and gave it to the lawyer. Then he said, “My turn. What walks upstairs backward and comes downstairs forward?”
The lawyer was stumped. He thought and thought. He tried to remember all the riddles he knew. He searched every corner of his brain. He even cheated and asked the flight attendants and other passengers.
Finally he gave up. He woke up the older man and gave him a twenty. The senior stuffed the twenty in his coat and went immediately back to sleep. The lawyer couldn’t stand it. He woke up the older man and said, “I have to know. What walks upstairs backward and comes downstairs forward?”
The senior got out his wallet, gave the lawyer a dollar, and went back to sleep.
posted by bunderful at 5:38 PM on October 7, 2018 [33 favorites]
An elderly Jewish woman is leaving the garment district to go home from work.
Suddenly, a man jumps out of an alley, blocks her path, opens up his raincoat and flashes her.
"Ewwwwwwww", she cried in a plaintive tone, "you call that a lining?"
posted by lalochezia at 7:21 PM on October 7, 2018 [5 favorites]
Suddenly, a man jumps out of an alley, blocks her path, opens up his raincoat and flashes her.
"Ewwwwwwww", she cried in a plaintive tone, "you call that a lining?"
posted by lalochezia at 7:21 PM on October 7, 2018 [5 favorites]
One of my favorites:
It’s Bernie’s 93nd birthday, and he wants to celebrate. So he heads down the hallway of the nursing home until he comes up to Mrs. Abramowitz.
He asks her, “Mrs. Abramowitz. Guess how old I am today.”
And she says “Oh, I don’t know, Bernie. 87?”
He says, “I’m 93!” She says congratulations.
So he moves on, and comes up to Mrs. Schwartz and asks, “Mrs. Schwartz! Guess how old I am today!”
So Mrs. Schwartz thinks about it, and says “Oh, Bernie, I don’t know. Maybe 90?”
He says “I’m 93!”
So, she’s impressed, she says “Happy Birthday”, he moves on.
So next he comes up to Mrs. Nussbaum. "Mrs. Nussbaum! Guess how old I am today!”
Mrs. Nussbaum responds, “Unzip your pants.”
He says “What??”
She says “Your fly. Unzip it.” So, he does! So she reaches her hand in, wiggles it around a bit, she moves things a little a little to the left, a little to the right, gives a tug or two, then she takes her hand out, looks him right in the eye, she says “You’re 93.”
He says, “That’s amazing! How did you know?”
She says, “I heard you telling Mrs. Schwartz.”
posted by Mchelly at 5:50 AM on October 8, 2018 [5 favorites]
It’s Bernie’s 93nd birthday, and he wants to celebrate. So he heads down the hallway of the nursing home until he comes up to Mrs. Abramowitz.
He asks her, “Mrs. Abramowitz. Guess how old I am today.”
And she says “Oh, I don’t know, Bernie. 87?”
He says, “I’m 93!” She says congratulations.
So he moves on, and comes up to Mrs. Schwartz and asks, “Mrs. Schwartz! Guess how old I am today!”
So Mrs. Schwartz thinks about it, and says “Oh, Bernie, I don’t know. Maybe 90?”
He says “I’m 93!”
So, she’s impressed, she says “Happy Birthday”, he moves on.
So next he comes up to Mrs. Nussbaum. "Mrs. Nussbaum! Guess how old I am today!”
Mrs. Nussbaum responds, “Unzip your pants.”
He says “What??”
She says “Your fly. Unzip it.” So, he does! So she reaches her hand in, wiggles it around a bit, she moves things a little a little to the left, a little to the right, gives a tug or two, then she takes her hand out, looks him right in the eye, she says “You’re 93.”
He says, “That’s amazing! How did you know?”
She says, “I heard you telling Mrs. Schwartz.”
posted by Mchelly at 5:50 AM on October 8, 2018 [5 favorites]
Mark Twain:
“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”
posted by dono at 6:48 AM on October 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”
posted by dono at 6:48 AM on October 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
> be aware that it's a retelling of a scene from Fried Green Tomatoes.
Oh wow, that's awesome!
The original dialog has superior phrasing, too; I'm excited to use it the next time I tell this joke.
"Face it lady, we're younger and faster"...
"Face it, girls, I'm older and I have more insurance"
posted by What is E. T. short for? at 9:00 AM on October 8, 2018
Oh wow, that's awesome!
The original dialog has superior phrasing, too; I'm excited to use it the next time I tell this joke.
"Face it lady, we're younger and faster"...
"Face it, girls, I'm older and I have more insurance"
posted by What is E. T. short for? at 9:00 AM on October 8, 2018
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well for example, the other day Jane and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So Jane called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Then our bus came and we got on it.
posted by bendy at 8:09 PM on October 8, 2018 [11 favorites]
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So Jane called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Then our bus came and we got on it.
posted by bendy at 8:09 PM on October 8, 2018 [11 favorites]
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Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
posted by bunderful at 10:00 AM on October 7, 2018 [36 favorites]