A man has been invited to sleep in my ex's backyard shed. We coparent.
October 2, 2018 7:11 AM Subscribe
According to my kids, my ex-wife is letting someone sleep in her backyard shed, and has given him a key to use the bathroom in their house. I'm not sure what to do about that. As many details as I have inside.
I have a 5yo son and a 7yo daughter. Recently, my daughter told me that their mom, my ex, is letting a man sleep in their backyard shed and has given him a house key in order to use their bathroom when they're not home.
I'm not automatically freaked out by this. My ex makes parenting decisions that I think are...less than great, but she's not reckless. I tend to support helping people in dire situations get back on their feet and have worked with the homeless in the past.
However, I would like to know more about this situation and am not confident that I will get a straight answer from her. She's very sensitive to my input on her parenting decisions. Our communication isn't terrible, but it's not great. My kids have only been told that this guy is "very poor"--there's not going to be more information from them.
What should I do?
I have a 5yo son and a 7yo daughter. Recently, my daughter told me that their mom, my ex, is letting a man sleep in their backyard shed and has given him a house key in order to use their bathroom when they're not home.
I'm not automatically freaked out by this. My ex makes parenting decisions that I think are...less than great, but she's not reckless. I tend to support helping people in dire situations get back on their feet and have worked with the homeless in the past.
However, I would like to know more about this situation and am not confident that I will get a straight answer from her. She's very sensitive to my input on her parenting decisions. Our communication isn't terrible, but it's not great. My kids have only been told that this guy is "very poor"--there's not going to be more information from them.
What should I do?
It's time for a consultation with your lawyer, if you have a court approved parenting agreement. Does this violate it? My concern nothing to do with his homelessness - it's the fact that there is someone unvetted with potential access to the place where your kids are. I'd have similar concern regarding an unvetted housemate or lodger.
posted by Mistress at 8:07 AM on October 2, 2018 [12 favorites]
posted by Mistress at 8:07 AM on October 2, 2018 [12 favorites]
it's the fact that there is someone unvetted with potential access to the place where your kids are. I'd have similar concern regarding an unvetted housemate or lodger.
But the two are not analogous. This person has access to the house only when nobody -- including the children -- is home. The kids are 5 and 7 and it isn't like their mother is leaving them at home unsupervised. This is very different to living with a 3rd party in the home.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:20 AM on October 2, 2018 [4 favorites]
But the two are not analogous. This person has access to the house only when nobody -- including the children -- is home. The kids are 5 and 7 and it isn't like their mother is leaving them at home unsupervised. This is very different to living with a 3rd party in the home.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:20 AM on October 2, 2018 [4 favorites]
This person is allowed access when no one is home, but he has a key - so that means he has the ability to come into the home at any time. Including when the household is asleep.
I think stopping by to speak with him is a good idea. Also make it clear to your children that if they have any concerns or ever feel uncomfortable, they can come and talk to you about it.
posted by Julnyes at 8:25 AM on October 2, 2018 [37 favorites]
I think stopping by to speak with him is a good idea. Also make it clear to your children that if they have any concerns or ever feel uncomfortable, they can come and talk to you about it.
posted by Julnyes at 8:25 AM on October 2, 2018 [37 favorites]
If the person has control of the key 24/7, the person has potential access to the house 24/7 regardless of what their agreement was.
posted by NormieP at 8:25 AM on October 2, 2018 [23 favorites]
posted by NormieP at 8:25 AM on October 2, 2018 [23 favorites]
Single men, even near-homeless, unemployed single men, are not innately a danger to children.
Seconding the "go visit" option, if that's available - that'll give you a sense of whether this person sets off your creep-o-meter warnings. There is likely nothing you can figure out at a distance; your ex would be (rightly) upset if you pestered her about, "hey you're letting some guy I don't know have access to my children" - as if they weren't her children too, as if she didn't make this decision with their safety in mind.
If she had a boyfriend, or even got engaged or married, you would have absolutely no legal rights to raise any objections, unless you specifically knew the new partner had a dangerous history. In this case, if he only has access to the house when they aren't home (or when everyone is home, because it'd seem odd to only have access to a bathroom when the house is empty), there's not even a potential direct danger to the kids to consider - the possibility is, "he might steal or break things in the house."
You can ask the kids if he seems okay, or the more neutral, "what's he like? does he seem friendly?" But mostly, this is a situation you shouldn't worry about; "my ex has contact with strangers, and some of them might have access to my kids" is going to continue to happen.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 8:26 AM on October 2, 2018 [13 favorites]
Seconding the "go visit" option, if that's available - that'll give you a sense of whether this person sets off your creep-o-meter warnings. There is likely nothing you can figure out at a distance; your ex would be (rightly) upset if you pestered her about, "hey you're letting some guy I don't know have access to my children" - as if they weren't her children too, as if she didn't make this decision with their safety in mind.
If she had a boyfriend, or even got engaged or married, you would have absolutely no legal rights to raise any objections, unless you specifically knew the new partner had a dangerous history. In this case, if he only has access to the house when they aren't home (or when everyone is home, because it'd seem odd to only have access to a bathroom when the house is empty), there's not even a potential direct danger to the kids to consider - the possibility is, "he might steal or break things in the house."
You can ask the kids if he seems okay, or the more neutral, "what's he like? does he seem friendly?" But mostly, this is a situation you shouldn't worry about; "my ex has contact with strangers, and some of them might have access to my kids" is going to continue to happen.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 8:26 AM on October 2, 2018 [13 favorites]
I have a rule of thumb as regards my ex and what happens when our daughter is out of my custody: Do I need to call the equivalent of CPS about this? The answer will either be "Yes", in which as I call CPS; or "No", in which case it is only my problem when our child wants to make it my problem. So I tell our daughter every now and then, "Hey, remember that you can come to me any time with any issue, no matter how small, no matter how temporary, no matter how uncertain you are whether it even is an issue." I don't bother saying "with your new family" or "with school" or whatever, because she knows what I mean.
Do you need to call the equivalent of CPS about this?
posted by Etrigan at 8:51 AM on October 2, 2018 [7 favorites]
Do you need to call the equivalent of CPS about this?
posted by Etrigan at 8:51 AM on October 2, 2018 [7 favorites]
This is a good opportunity to check in with your child and make sure they understand about bad feelings and “no secrets.” There are a number of age appropriate books about bodily autonomy and other body things so that your kids have the language to use about themselves. These books are helpful guides for parents as well for understanding how to communicate appropriate boundaries. And make sure you are modeling that as well. Asking for permission to hug. Taking “no” for an answer with tickling and touching. A kid who is confident that they will be believed and has some language for expressing their discomfort is not a good target for abusers.
But, you have to talk to your ex-spouse about this and just voice your concerns. Being on the same page about making sure your kids are safe and, if not safe, know how to get help is a really important conversation and life skill applicable in many situations.
posted by amanda at 9:29 AM on October 2, 2018 [5 favorites]
But, you have to talk to your ex-spouse about this and just voice your concerns. Being on the same page about making sure your kids are safe and, if not safe, know how to get help is a really important conversation and life skill applicable in many situations.
posted by amanda at 9:29 AM on October 2, 2018 [5 favorites]
She should be willing to give you a "straight answer" about this, including the guy's full name and an explanation for why she's letting him live in her backyard shed that makes sense and is not conspicuously missing relevant details.
Don't just drop by and expect your creep-o-meter to sort this out for you.
If your ex can't be completely forthcoming about the guy who lives in her shed and has a key to the house where your children sleep, call your lawyer or file for a change to the custody agreement that stipulates that mystery man doesn't stay at the property while your children are there.
If this is just some great guy who's down on his luck and your ex is being a super awesome person helping him out, cool. There should be no difficulty in relaying the necessary facts to you in order to establish that this is the case and give you sufficient information to reach the same conclusion. If she can't do that, then rock the fucking boat.
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:37 AM on October 2, 2018 [50 favorites]
Don't just drop by and expect your creep-o-meter to sort this out for you.
If your ex can't be completely forthcoming about the guy who lives in her shed and has a key to the house where your children sleep, call your lawyer or file for a change to the custody agreement that stipulates that mystery man doesn't stay at the property while your children are there.
If this is just some great guy who's down on his luck and your ex is being a super awesome person helping him out, cool. There should be no difficulty in relaying the necessary facts to you in order to establish that this is the case and give you sufficient information to reach the same conclusion. If she can't do that, then rock the fucking boat.
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:37 AM on October 2, 2018 [50 favorites]
If this is just some great guy who's down on his luck and your ex is being a super awesome person helping him out, cool. There should be no difficulty in relaying the necessary facts to you
Actually there could be a difficulty. Imagine a women writing in to complain that ex controlling, second guesses at her every step. Here she is, in her opinion, doing a perfect safe and reasonable thing to help out a friend and she "just knows" that her ex will have fit so there is no point in even talking about it.
OP - You are perfectly right to be concerned. However, there may reason in the history of your relationship with your ex that are getting in the way of the two of you having a calm, fact based discussion about this. In that case, her reluctance to talk may have more to do with the dysfunction that ended your marriage than with the guy in the shed.
In the picture, do you really want to make a stink about this at this point in time? You have another 13+ years of co-parenting, how important do you think this is? (The other option is to encourage open communication with your children and wait until there are signs this is an actual problem - but I can understand your reluctance to wait for problems to happen)
The bad news about divorce is that the other parent can pretty much do as they see fit unless it is either explicitly covered in the parenting agreement or it is a CPS-level offense. This leaves you having to accept a lot of less-than-ideal parenting as the cost of having had children with a person that you can't maintain a cordial co-parenting relationship with. The best you can do is support your children in speaking up for their own needs and preferences, something that will get easier as they get older.
posted by metahawk at 12:35 PM on October 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
Actually there could be a difficulty. Imagine a women writing in to complain that ex controlling, second guesses at her every step. Here she is, in her opinion, doing a perfect safe and reasonable thing to help out a friend and she "just knows" that her ex will have fit so there is no point in even talking about it.
OP - You are perfectly right to be concerned. However, there may reason in the history of your relationship with your ex that are getting in the way of the two of you having a calm, fact based discussion about this. In that case, her reluctance to talk may have more to do with the dysfunction that ended your marriage than with the guy in the shed.
In the picture, do you really want to make a stink about this at this point in time? You have another 13+ years of co-parenting, how important do you think this is? (The other option is to encourage open communication with your children and wait until there are signs this is an actual problem - but I can understand your reluctance to wait for problems to happen)
The bad news about divorce is that the other parent can pretty much do as they see fit unless it is either explicitly covered in the parenting agreement or it is a CPS-level offense. This leaves you having to accept a lot of less-than-ideal parenting as the cost of having had children with a person that you can't maintain a cordial co-parenting relationship with. The best you can do is support your children in speaking up for their own needs and preferences, something that will get easier as they get older.
posted by metahawk at 12:35 PM on October 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
Background check on the person, a wellness check by the police? At least a photo of the person? Seems like those items would be no problem if all is well.
posted by Freedomboy at 12:50 PM on October 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by Freedomboy at 12:50 PM on October 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
However, I would like to know more about this situation and am not confident that I will get a straight answer from her. She's very sensitive to my input on her parenting decisions. Our communication isn't terrible, but it's not great.
The only real way forward here is to have a conversation with her. Since you want information from her and you know she's going to be defensive, you are going to have to do a ton of emotional labor to get what you want out of this conversation, so just be prepared and do that. Go in with the clear attitude that this isn't a criticism of her parenting or something you see as a problem per se -- you just need to be aware of the facts of the situation so that you know what the kids are talking about.
Model some good neutral communication. If she gets suspicious that you are fishing for things to criticize, don't jump, just stay focused on your nice, calm, neutral goal. You just need to be aware of the facts of the situation so that you know what the kids are talking about. There is no "but." If she tells you anything that does raise a red flag, sit on it for the moment and figure out how you'll deal with it later. Show her that she can have a conversation with you that does not end badly.
posted by desuetude at 12:56 PM on October 2, 2018 [5 favorites]
The only real way forward here is to have a conversation with her. Since you want information from her and you know she's going to be defensive, you are going to have to do a ton of emotional labor to get what you want out of this conversation, so just be prepared and do that. Go in with the clear attitude that this isn't a criticism of her parenting or something you see as a problem per se -- you just need to be aware of the facts of the situation so that you know what the kids are talking about.
Model some good neutral communication. If she gets suspicious that you are fishing for things to criticize, don't jump, just stay focused on your nice, calm, neutral goal. You just need to be aware of the facts of the situation so that you know what the kids are talking about. There is no "but." If she tells you anything that does raise a red flag, sit on it for the moment and figure out how you'll deal with it later. Show her that she can have a conversation with you that does not end badly.
posted by desuetude at 12:56 PM on October 2, 2018 [5 favorites]
Here she is, in her opinion, doing a perfect safe and reasonable thing to help out a friend and she "just knows" that her ex will have fit so there is no point in even talking about it.
OP has no way of knowing that this is in fact perfectly safe and it sounds completely unreasonable and frankly insane to me. Obviously he isn’t that close a friend or else he would be allowed to stay inside. A vagrant squatting with unfettered access to my children’s home would be a hill to die on for me.
posted by tatiana wishbone at 1:05 PM on October 2, 2018 [32 favorites]
OP has no way of knowing that this is in fact perfectly safe and it sounds completely unreasonable and frankly insane to me. Obviously he isn’t that close a friend or else he would be allowed to stay inside. A vagrant squatting with unfettered access to my children’s home would be a hill to die on for me.
posted by tatiana wishbone at 1:05 PM on October 2, 2018 [32 favorites]
Does your ex-wife live in a fairly rural area? If not, it's hard to imagine her neighbors ignoring a fellow living in her shed. You do need to talk with her - if you don't make minor waves to clarify the situation now, people with far less investment in your kids may make major waves anyway.
To be clear: this set-up could be in violation of the local housing code or go against the accepted practices of that neighborhood. If the neighbors get involved, if the authorities get involved, and at some point you have to attest that the kids looped you in... I'm all for helping people down on their luck. Unfortunately, a shared co-parenting situation with young kids doesn't necessarily gel with the way your ex is expressing her altruism. Talk to her, nonjudgmentally. Mention your reservations, meet him, and then do everything you can to help him find better lodgings.
posted by Iris Gambol at 1:06 PM on October 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
To be clear: this set-up could be in violation of the local housing code or go against the accepted practices of that neighborhood. If the neighbors get involved, if the authorities get involved, and at some point you have to attest that the kids looped you in... I'm all for helping people down on their luck. Unfortunately, a shared co-parenting situation with young kids doesn't necessarily gel with the way your ex is expressing her altruism. Talk to her, nonjudgmentally. Mention your reservations, meet him, and then do everything you can to help him find better lodgings.
posted by Iris Gambol at 1:06 PM on October 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
Make an anonymous complaint to the police about some strange guy living in a shed. Slight investigation ensues. Whatever the outcome, GuyInShed now know the PoPo know where he's camping. If he's not there 24/7 and out and about the PoPo be watching (keeping an eye out, on their radar, just being informed and knowledgeable of the homeless population, not a bad thing).
Most RealHomelessBum types are well acquainted with the PoPo. Most are terrified of children or anyone under-age. It's PrisonRules and that shit ends up with you waking up dead. And he'll be the first suspect if *anything* comes up.
Unless you're wife has picked some crazy-assed mental-bastard psycho/pedo... It's more likely to be the case that GuyInShed tries to stay as far away from your kids as possible.
That's just my 2¢ from my homeless days dealing with other homeless and bums and junkies and PoPo and sleeping on nice people's floors to keep out of the rain and cold and escape from the drama of sleeping under bushes or squatting with the junkies.
posted by zengargoyle at 1:59 PM on October 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
Most RealHomelessBum types are well acquainted with the PoPo. Most are terrified of children or anyone under-age. It's PrisonRules and that shit ends up with you waking up dead. And he'll be the first suspect if *anything* comes up.
Unless you're wife has picked some crazy-assed mental-bastard psycho/pedo... It's more likely to be the case that GuyInShed tries to stay as far away from your kids as possible.
That's just my 2¢ from my homeless days dealing with other homeless and bums and junkies and PoPo and sleeping on nice people's floors to keep out of the rain and cold and escape from the drama of sleeping under bushes or squatting with the junkies.
posted by zengargoyle at 1:59 PM on October 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
also, family courts are usually very interested to know about other adults the kids may be cohabiting with in a shared custody situation, and comments about making sure the kids know how/when to say "no" or let you know after the fact if something skeevy happened are...just...yikes.
posted by prize bull octorok at 2:03 PM on October 2, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by prize bull octorok at 2:03 PM on October 2, 2018 [7 favorites]
Nowadays I'm against involving the police in most situations. I'm concerned someone (neighbor, kid's friend's parent, teacher) will make that call, with negative repercussions for your family and for him.
posted by Iris Gambol at 2:14 PM on October 2, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by Iris Gambol at 2:14 PM on October 2, 2018 [4 favorites]
I would be loath to call the police before you get the whole story from your ex. I just don’t trust the cops not to unnecessarily escalate the situation. But, you ex definitely has to fill in the enormous blanks in the story.
I would also consider running this by your attorney just to see if this might, in fact, violate the co-parenting agreement.
posted by Thorzdad at 2:26 PM on October 2, 2018 [6 favorites]
I would also consider running this by your attorney just to see if this might, in fact, violate the co-parenting agreement.
posted by Thorzdad at 2:26 PM on October 2, 2018 [6 favorites]
If it's been decided that the issue is that homeless dude has a key and could possibly access the house at night when mom's asleep- assuming that the door has a traditional lock-in-the doorknob + a separate deadbolt, the easy solution would be to just change or re-key one of the two locks. Homeless guy is given only a key to one of the two locks and at night, the lock which homeless dude doesn't have a key to is locked from the inside. You could offer to pay for the locksmithing work.
posted by Larry David Syndrome at 2:31 PM on October 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by Larry David Syndrome at 2:31 PM on October 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
Are your kids super reliable narrators of what's going on in general? I might approach this as if the information is off a bit. I would not drop by her house to quiz him. That's so not appropriate. Is it possible he's doing yard work or something, and isn't sleeping there?
How about a text or email along the lines of, "Hey, I'm trying to understand something the kids said about a man sleeping in the shed?"
In any case, if your communication is difficult, I think I would try very hard to give her the benefit of the doubt.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:46 PM on October 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
How about a text or email along the lines of, "Hey, I'm trying to understand something the kids said about a man sleeping in the shed?"
In any case, if your communication is difficult, I think I would try very hard to give her the benefit of the doubt.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:46 PM on October 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
Coincidentally, I am in a very similar situation. I found out yesterday that a man I'll call "Pete" (a stranger to me) has moved into my ex's basement. There are no bathrooms or kitchen appliances in the basement, so it is safe to assume he has access to the entire house. According to my son, he had nowhere else to live for the next three months or so. Apparently he is a friend of one of the adults in the house.
Complicating things, I have four daughters (6, 8, 11, and 17) and one son (15) and their mom works night shift and stepdad works swing shift, so the kids are home alone at least two nights a week. And now it is possible they are home alone with Pete on those nights. My son confirmed that all four girls were left with Pete last week for a few hours.
The idea that my ex is letting a strange man have so much access to young girls is baffling to me. And, like the OP, there has been a complete breakdown of communication between us (her new husband is my ex- best friend, if that helps clarify) and she refuses to have conversations like this one.
I will be talking to a lawyer tomorrow to see what my rights and/or options are. I have spoken to three of my kids about safety since I learned of Pete - including the two youngest - but I refuse to risk my kids' innocence on a man I have never met if there is something I can do. If I learn anything useful, I'll let you know.
posted by tacodave at 4:20 PM on October 2, 2018 [7 favorites]
Complicating things, I have four daughters (6, 8, 11, and 17) and one son (15) and their mom works night shift and stepdad works swing shift, so the kids are home alone at least two nights a week. And now it is possible they are home alone with Pete on those nights. My son confirmed that all four girls were left with Pete last week for a few hours.
The idea that my ex is letting a strange man have so much access to young girls is baffling to me. And, like the OP, there has been a complete breakdown of communication between us (her new husband is my ex- best friend, if that helps clarify) and she refuses to have conversations like this one.
I will be talking to a lawyer tomorrow to see what my rights and/or options are. I have spoken to three of my kids about safety since I learned of Pete - including the two youngest - but I refuse to risk my kids' innocence on a man I have never met if there is something I can do. If I learn anything useful, I'll let you know.
posted by tacodave at 4:20 PM on October 2, 2018 [7 favorites]
Can you phrase it in a "hey, I heard you're helping some guy out who needs it - that's great! Who is he?" in a genial tone of voice? That way you won't put her immediately on defensive and can find out some information about this person.
Because while I am very much in favor of helping people who need help, this situation would make me very uncomfortable. You are well within your rights to find out who he is, where he came from, and what his plans are.
posted by lyssabee at 4:48 PM on October 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
Because while I am very much in favor of helping people who need help, this situation would make me very uncomfortable. You are well within your rights to find out who he is, where he came from, and what his plans are.
posted by lyssabee at 4:48 PM on October 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
Which would you prefer. Your kids know to help those in need. Or dad went nuts because mom wanted to help somebody. Where does your paranoia lie. The bestest of people I've run across are the former and not the latter. For the most part, people are decent. Assuage your fears however... don't make it into a thing that defines your children's future (or make it a thing that defines your children's future in a good way.)
posted by zengargoyle at 5:14 PM on October 2, 2018
posted by zengargoyle at 5:14 PM on October 2, 2018
Helping apparently homeless strangers, as an adult making choices for oneself, is one thing. Helping strangers who can enter the house at will where children live is quite another. Perhaps OP's ex has not been a"reckless" parent in the past, but this seems exorbitantly reckless to me.
I would say start by getting the man's name and searching the Texas Sex Offender Database, at the very least, but from Googling it, apparently Texas law is such that not all offenders will turn up if searched for in this way. Yes, I understand some people get put on these lists for seemingly trivial or unfair offenses. Nevertheless, in Florida at least, the database also registers those deemed sex predators. I do take it seriously if people are required to register under that designation and I would definitely want to know if the man in the backyard was classified as such.
If this were happening here, rather than immediately approaching the ex and possibly causing a complete breakdown in communication, I would attempt to get the man's name and consult a lawyer in regards to what my rights are in running a real background check on him. Not the silly background checks you get by Googling "background check." If nothing turns up, okay, that's a good start. If something does, then OP has a legal basis for concern and can present the facts to the ex (or ex's lawyer) on those grounds.
posted by Crystal Fox at 6:06 PM on October 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
I would say start by getting the man's name and searching the Texas Sex Offender Database, at the very least, but from Googling it, apparently Texas law is such that not all offenders will turn up if searched for in this way. Yes, I understand some people get put on these lists for seemingly trivial or unfair offenses. Nevertheless, in Florida at least, the database also registers those deemed sex predators. I do take it seriously if people are required to register under that designation and I would definitely want to know if the man in the backyard was classified as such.
If this were happening here, rather than immediately approaching the ex and possibly causing a complete breakdown in communication, I would attempt to get the man's name and consult a lawyer in regards to what my rights are in running a real background check on him. Not the silly background checks you get by Googling "background check." If nothing turns up, okay, that's a good start. If something does, then OP has a legal basis for concern and can present the facts to the ex (or ex's lawyer) on those grounds.
posted by Crystal Fox at 6:06 PM on October 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
That’s an illegal living arrangement that is likely to put your children in harm’s way. You have every right to document and record what is happening, seek a lawyer, and get full custody of your children. Their health and future may depend on it.
posted by metasunday at 7:45 PM on October 2, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by metasunday at 7:45 PM on October 2, 2018 [6 favorites]
In the picture, do you really want to make a stink about this at this point in time? You have another 13+ years of co-parenting, how important do you think this is? (The other option is to encourage open communication with your children and wait until there are signs this is an actual problem - but I can understand your reluctance to wait for problems to happen)
A parent's very first responsibility is to their children. The children did not choose to be brought into this world, and they are vulnerable. I don't care how nice a guy is living in the shed and has a key to the house, all I could think about reading this question was what happened to Elizabeth Smart. Her parents liked to help down-on-their luck men as well.
Make a stink about this. It is not okay. People should not be cavalier with their children's safety, or prioritize the stranger living in a shed in the backyard. The kids and their safety come first no matter what.
posted by 41swans at 8:38 PM on October 2, 2018 [13 favorites]
A parent's very first responsibility is to their children. The children did not choose to be brought into this world, and they are vulnerable. I don't care how nice a guy is living in the shed and has a key to the house, all I could think about reading this question was what happened to Elizabeth Smart. Her parents liked to help down-on-their luck men as well.
Make a stink about this. It is not okay. People should not be cavalier with their children's safety, or prioritize the stranger living in a shed in the backyard. The kids and their safety come first no matter what.
posted by 41swans at 8:38 PM on October 2, 2018 [13 favorites]
The entries above give you a range of directions to go in, but if you do find a need to rock the boat on this, you might also want to get in touch with the relevant Homeowners Association (HOA) for the property in question. They would likely be quite uncool with a shed being used as a residence.
posted by eelgrassman at 9:43 PM on October 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by eelgrassman at 9:43 PM on October 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
Single men, even near-homeless, unemployed single men, are not innately a danger to children.
Agreed. Ironically, however, allowing single men of any stripe close access to your children *looks* bad. It’s the kind of thing that will get CPS called on you.
OP, at the very least I would go introduce yourself to this man who will be interacting with your children. I don’t think you’re going to get too far figuring out what to do without a sense of who he is.
You are definitely within your rights — within your duties actually — to fully understand the situation your children are living in.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:16 AM on October 3, 2018
Agreed. Ironically, however, allowing single men of any stripe close access to your children *looks* bad. It’s the kind of thing that will get CPS called on you.
OP, at the very least I would go introduce yourself to this man who will be interacting with your children. I don’t think you’re going to get too far figuring out what to do without a sense of who he is.
You are definitely within your rights — within your duties actually — to fully understand the situation your children are living in.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:16 AM on October 3, 2018
Any mutual friends who could be intermediaries?
posted by trig at 7:20 AM on October 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by trig at 7:20 AM on October 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
I would be loath to call the police before you get the whole story from your ex. I just don’t trust the cops not to unnecessarily escalate the situation.
Seconded. If the guy is not white, or looks like he may not be white, calling the police may be signing his death warrant.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 1:50 PM on October 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
Seconded. If the guy is not white, or looks like he may not be white, calling the police may be signing his death warrant.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 1:50 PM on October 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
I would be loath to call the police before you get the whole story from your ex. I just don’t trust the cops not to unnecessarily escalate the situation.
Seconded. If the guy is not white, or looks like he may not be white, calling the police may be signing his death warrant.
Well, I did a quick risk assessment and the risk of random death seems smaller than the risk of J. Rando being a registered sex offender. While I would probably try some other options first, I'd say involving the police is reasonable if those fail. We are talking about a parent's responsibility towards their children.
posted by Gilgamesh's Chauffeur at 4:17 PM on October 3, 2018
Seconded. If the guy is not white, or looks like he may not be white, calling the police may be signing his death warrant.
Well, I did a quick risk assessment and the risk of random death seems smaller than the risk of J. Rando being a registered sex offender. While I would probably try some other options first, I'd say involving the police is reasonable if those fail. We are talking about a parent's responsibility towards their children.
posted by Gilgamesh's Chauffeur at 4:17 PM on October 3, 2018
> Well, I did a quick risk assessment and the risk of random death seems smaller than the risk of J. Rando being a registered sex offender. While I would probably try some other options first, I'd say involving the police is reasonable if those fail. We are talking about a parent's responsibility towards their children.
A quick risk assessment would rule out allowing any male relative, married or no, to stay in the guest room for the Christmas holiday or whatever. And yet there isn't a chorus of "call the lawyer, call the police, check the lease/HOA policy!" every time someone mentions family houseguests on the Green.
posted by desuetude at 2:04 PM on October 4, 2018 [2 favorites]
A quick risk assessment would rule out allowing any male relative, married or no, to stay in the guest room for the Christmas holiday or whatever. And yet there isn't a chorus of "call the lawyer, call the police, check the lease/HOA policy!" every time someone mentions family houseguests on the Green.
posted by desuetude at 2:04 PM on October 4, 2018 [2 favorites]
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Can you drop by and introduce yourself to the guy?
I come from a milieu where someone might easily do this, and I've had a couple of friends who have lived in garages and sheds while they sought a way out of homelessness. If your ex isn't prone to terrible decisions, it may very well be that he's a perfectly reliable person who has caught some bad breaks - if he is, he'll probably be eager to tell you the basics about his situation because it will be immediately apparent that you have a good reason to inquire.
It would seem awkward, but could you just go and knock on the shed? "Hi, I'm [the kids' dad]. I thought I'd introduce myself since I'll be around a bit."
It might be that you'll have some connections that can help him out, too.
posted by Frowner at 7:30 AM on October 2, 2018 [33 favorites]