Love is like oxygen. Silent, silent oxygen.

October 1, 2018 7:23 PM

My boyfriend snores like a giant dragon and I am a light sleeper with insomnia.

I rarely get the chance to spend the night with my boyfriend. We both have kids living with us and don't want to introduce overnight partners into that, so sleepovers are precious and rare. I don't want to sleep in a different room on the occasions we have together. But last night wrecked me .

This question has two facets.
First of all, I am not sure how to tell him how much he snores. He wakes up very happy with me and I'm happy to be with him too, but I've been kept up all night.
He is not overweight, and in any case he would not like me to present this as a concern for his health -- I think that would seem kind of b.s. to him, when obviously it's mainly bout my own discomfort.
He is a lovely person and doesn't get mad or anything like that, but he is very polite and careful with his own words, I don't think he's ever criticized me about something physical like this, and I don't know how to tell him. In my marriage, my husband didn't care at all that he snored and kept me up, and I'm definitely still skittish from that. But also in previous relationships I would have said "Dude you snore, can you please fix it?" and the guy would have been fine with it. This new boyfriend is just not blunt like that, and I don't know how to mention it.
Second: I want to get some kind of anti-snoring device for him or suggest one. He has a very small nose. He isn't overweight, doesn't eat at night etc so I am thinking it might be his nose, not his epiglottis. But I can't imagine he'll be comfortable in the inner-nose things on Amazon, or with a mouth guard. Do Breathe Rights really stop snoring? What kind of over the counter thing should I suggest for him, or should I just get it myself for our next sleepover? It might not be for a month or so.
I know he SHOULD have a sleep study but he's an educated adult and can decide on his own if that's what he should do after learning from me how much he snores. (It's not every night either... it's happened about half the time.)

So: 1. How do I tell him in a way that doesn't seem furtive and weird but also doesn't embarrass either of us and
2. What kind of over the counter device works?

posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (31 answers total)

My husband has a snoring problem. Things that help somewhat:

1. Breathe-Right strips
2. Raising the head of the bed a few inches
3. Not consuming alcohol
4. Water-filled pillow (around $50 on Amazon)

He was also in snoring denial until I recorded him with my phone in the middle of the night.
posted by Ostara at 8:00 PM on October 1, 2018 [4 favorites]

1. Email him some Three Stooges clips.
2. I don't have an OTC recommendation because none ever helped my snoring.

I know you know your situation best, but in my opinion your expressing concern for his physical health would not be being critical of him. You're expressing concern for his health because you care about him, not because his sawing logs is keeping you up at night. Also, if you're going to suggest an OTC remedy for his snoring anyway suggesting a visit to his doctor is not that big of a stretch.
posted by Rob Rockets at 8:11 PM on October 1, 2018

Seconding Breathe-Right strips, but only after you play the recording.

Snorers’ are legendary for denial.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:26 PM on October 1, 2018 [4 favorites]

He was also in snoring denial until I recorded him with my phone in the middle of the night.

If you have an iOS device, Sleep Cycle will monitor sleep and record periods of snoring while doing so, so it's not as weird as staying up to record snoring and playing it back.

Theravent uses a different approach from bridge-of-the-nose strips and might work.
posted by holgate at 8:27 PM on October 1, 2018 [1 favorite]

I expressed some concern for my partners health, then recorded him to show exactly how bad it was.

What ended up helping was an air filter we got for the bedroom. I think it was $70, we’ve had it going for a year now and unless he’s sick he barely snores at all. He also reports feeling more rested, we’re both big fans.
posted by lepus at 8:43 PM on October 1, 2018

My husband snores when he sleeps on his back, but not on his side. If he rolls on his back and starts snoring, I gently poke him and he rolls back over. YMMV.
posted by radioamy at 8:59 PM on October 1, 2018 [6 favorites]

I don't think he's ever criticized me about something physical like this, and I don't know how to tell him.

I wouldn't think of it as "criticizing him." You're not telling him you think his music is annoying or you don't like his haircut - this is something that will make it impossible for you to sleep next to him comfortably. If you try to just 'get over it,' it could seriously negatively impact your health, and don't you think that he as a loving partner would care about that and want to address it? I think you might be carrying some leftover anxiety from your marriage about how your boyfriend will react, but this is seriously nothing you should feel even slightly bad about raising.
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:22 PM on October 1, 2018 [15 favorites]

I wear earplugs when my husband's snoring or breathing bothers me. And just like radioamy said, he only snores on his back (unless he's sick).. so he knows to roll over if I start pushing him in the middle of the night. If you dont like the idea of earplugs or you think he'll be offended by them, then try to figure out if he only snores in a certain position and see if you can work on getting him to sleep in a different position.
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 10:10 PM on October 1, 2018 [1 favorite]

"Dude you snore, can you please fix it?"

Some variation on this. If you like, couch it as concern. But tell him you don’t sleep. Any decent human would also want to work to find a solution. Recording him is a great idea. And YES, Breathe Right strips can make a difference! Also: ear plugs and a white noise machine could help matters while you figure it out.
posted by AnOrigamiLife at 10:13 PM on October 1, 2018

I am a terrible snorer and have a moderate sleep apnea. My wife suffered with my snoring for a few years. After she finally told me that it was creating a quality of life issue some days, I messed around with OTC remedies (none of which worked) before finally going to get a sleep study, which found I had that moderate sleep apnea, at which point I got a CPAP, and it's been fine since. When we travel or go on camping trips where there's a chance my travel CPAP battery won't last, I pack along some ear plugs so she can have them.

If he's "lovely," "polite," and "careful with his words," I think that means he's probably also considerate of others and wouldn't want you to suffer, which is what happens when you're awake all night because the person next to you is snoring so much you can't sleep.

Since you don't get to spend the night together a lot, this could be perfect: There are apps that help people assess their snoring (way better than recording it and playing it back like you're in an evidentiary hearing). Then he can decide whether or not to try a few OTC things (breathe-right strips, etc.) and use the app to gauge whether they seem to help. I guess it depends on how willing he is to apply himself to the problem.

If you have noticed that he seems to stop breathing or gasps when he's snoring, it could be a sleep apnea thing and he should hear from you that this is something you observed. You mentioned being overweight a few times, so I feel compelled to point out that my wife started complaining about my snoring while I was still in the army and walking around well under the recommended weight for people my size in the military. Just got saggy throat tissue, I guess.

Oh, as someone else mentioned, the back-sleeping thing is a common aggravator, btw. There are belts you can buy that allow you to stick a tennis ball in the small of your back (well, his back) to keep the snorer from rolling completely on their back. My wife said that getting me to get off my back usually helped for a bit, until I rolled back on it.

Bottom line, you should say something. My wife suffered a lot before complaining, then suffered more while I worked through my denial about the whole thing. I wish I'd been better about the whole thing at the time. She shouldn't have put up with it as long as she did, and you shouldn't put up with it either. It's terrible to not be able to sleep.
posted by mph at 10:14 PM on October 1, 2018 [4 favorites]

„Okay, so...here‘s a problem. I‘m a light sleeper and last time we spent the night together I couldn‘t sleep at all because of the snoring. And that sucks because I love it when we get to spend the night together. I love (insert details). But I was utterly exhausted the next morning. What do you think?“
posted by Omnomnom at 11:45 PM on October 1, 2018 [3 favorites]

Some people snore when the air is too dry. It's worth trying out whether that will help here. If a laundry load of wet laundry on a clothes horse makes thing better, get a humidifyer.

I second the notion that you should say something. It's not critique, it's a genuine issue, a shared problem. Something that needs solving. Once he knows that he's keeping you awake, he will want to fix it.
posted by Too-Ticky at 12:05 AM on October 2, 2018

Tell him, straightforward. My snoring has gotten worse over the years and I'm grateful my wife told me about it. When we moved in together, I went through a couple of snoring solution things, but until then she tended to use earplugs when I slept over.

He probably knows that he snores, but doesn't know how loudly or how much it kept you awake. Once he does, you two can work on figuring out what to do to make sleep overs better.

Also, if it's an apnea type snoring, please tell him, as that's a health issue. While weight is a contributing factor, skinny people can also have it.
posted by Hactar at 2:19 AM on October 2, 2018

I don't think you need to worry about telling him, but one thing you do need to realise is that in most cases people can't help snoring - he isn't doing it deliberately and the problem is as much yours as it is his (it's not his fault you're a light sleeper), and it may mean you have to work together to find a solution that involves both of you having to do something. Saying "Dude you snore, can you please fix it?" is rude at best, and quite frankly, stupid at worst.
posted by ryanbryan at 2:54 AM on October 2, 2018 [5 favorites]

If some of the above suggestions help diminish the snoring but don't eliminate it and you're still woken up because it's something different throughout the night, a white noise machine or maybe something like a box fan can help smooth over changes in his snoring so you can hopefully sleep through it better.
posted by Mizu at 3:07 AM on October 2, 2018

Chances are his ex and his children know he snores and have mentioned it. You are likely not sharing new information. HOWEVER, denial is real, or there might be associations with old complaints. Framing this as pro-snuggling and you not being able to function- what does he see as your options- suck it up & deal? Without him exploring the nature of the experience? Unlikely if he’s wanting the relationship to work. You do have options-sleeping elsewhere in the home, or home to be rested for the next day.

That being said, taking on a potential diagnosis of sleep apnea is its own personal wrestling match. My partner got written up at work for falling asleep at work before he went for a sleep study. They put a cpap on him during the study, it was that bad. We were pre-smart-phone. I hope your mileage varies for the better.
posted by childofTethys at 6:30 AM on October 2, 2018

Back up a bit and use this as a way of opening up deeper connections with your BF. Apparently this is the first serious issue of conflict you two have had? Where one person is doing a thing, and other person needs that thing to stop? How you approach this, and how he responds to it, are going to be pretty huge for your relationship as a whole.

So my advice is just be authentic about it. Bring it up honestly and earnestly, without anger or blame, just factually -- your snoring is very loud and I have difficulty sleeping through it -- and see how he approaches the response. Ideally you want acceptance of the issue immediately (because why would someone lie about that) and co-operative problem solving.

If that's not what you get, that's information you can use not just for how to solve the snoring issue, but how to deal with the relationship going forward. Or not going forward.
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:45 AM on October 2, 2018 [1 favorite]

This is actually a health concern and it is solvable in multiple ways, including just getting a fancy pillow that shifts his position

His airway is partially blocked while sleeping. You have to say something that frames this as the medical concern that it is.
posted by jbenben at 6:46 AM on October 2, 2018 [1 favorite]

I had my (ex) husband try everything to try to curtail his snoring, which kept me up constantly. Literally nothing worked. I even tried sleeping every night wearing ear plugs but ended up with pressure sores in my ears from the plugs.

If you want my advice, don't waste your money on a bunch of expensive implements and gimmicks. Sure, try some of the cheaper options (like breathe right strips) but I would keep your expectations low, especially if he has sleep apnea. I know you don't want to sleep in separate rooms, but that may just be the long term fix. Your sleep matters, and chronically not getting enough sleep can have quite far reaching impacts on you.

You approach it with him by reiterating that you know this isn't something he is doing deliberately, this isn't an attack or blame thing, but none the less it is having a huge impact on your sleep quality. You tell him you're concerned for him because his snoring is very likely impacting HIS sleep, especially if he has sleep apnea, and that you are concerned for YOUR sleep as well.

Keep in mind that he may not be able to fix this. There may not be a way to make him stop snoring. That doesn't mean you shouldn't try, but you do need to be aware of that fact. (similarly, I am someone who talks/screams in my sleep and it isn't something I can control. I feel terrible that it no doubt affects my partner, but I literally can do nothing about it. I would be really upset if my partner expected me to be able to stop doing it.) And if he isn't able to stop snoring after trying multiple things, then the end result may just be that you sleep in separate rooms. That may just be your reality.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 7:04 AM on October 2, 2018

Telling him that he snores is not a criticism, it is a fact. It is not easy to hear. I snore loudly, but please don't wake me up to tell me as I will not be in a good mood. Picking the right time is important. You should request that he talk to his doctor about this as you are right to be concerned for his health. People can have sleep apnea even if they are not overweight. It is not up to you to determine what the cause of the snoring is or the best solution for it, so don't buy him anything. Breathe Rights did nothing for me but attached to my partner for him to find the next morning.
posted by soelo at 7:34 AM on October 2, 2018

Does he drink before bed? My husband used to have an six-pack of Miller Lite or something a night (ugh) and once he cut that shit out, all snoring stopped. He can have a couple of beers with a later dinner and the problem doesn’t come back, but once he goes over that limit, I’m back to smacking him in the face with a pillow until his breathing pattern changes.
posted by Yoko Ono's Advice Column at 8:09 AM on October 2, 2018

What I would respond well to from my partner would be something like this:

"Hey babe, I love you but you SNORE LIKE A GIANT DRAGON and it kept me up all last night. Do you think you could do something about it?"

Basically, I think you're way overthinking this. Snoring happens. Just tell him.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 8:53 AM on October 2, 2018

"Hey boyfriend, did you know that you snore?"... "Well you do and I'm a light sleeper and I love spending the night with you, but I hardly sleep at all when you do snore. What do you think we should do?"
posted by purple_bird at 9:13 AM on October 2, 2018

On the other end of this, if it is okay to ask one to "do something" about snoring, would it also be acceptable to ask someone to "do something" about being a light sleeper?
posted by GoblinHoney at 9:43 AM on October 2, 2018 [3 favorites]

As a snorer whose previous marriage was strained partially due to my snoring (and other things not relevant here) let me chime in.

1. It is important that you let him know. Be up front, but be kind. Definitely don't wait until you are exhausted from not getting enough sleep. Your boyfriend probably already knows he snores (surely someone has told him before) and either doesn't know it bothers you or doesn't realize how bad it is. If he is a good human he will listen to what you have to say and take actions to address the problem.

2. Snoring is a medical condition. Your partner isn't doing it just to drive you crazy. They aren't even conscious when they are doing it. Your partner should be trying things to improve the situation for you, but it's also your responsibility to try things as well (assuming you want to share a sleeping space). Ear plugs, white noise machines, environmental changes, going to bed earlier than your partner so you fall asleep before they do, etc.. Most importantly, you need to provide feedback as to which changes they make are helping. The process is going to take time and you need to approach it as a team.

3. Allergens were a major contributor to my snoring. I did not learn this until I started using flonase one summer and found that it reduced the intensity of my snoring. Adding a HEPA filter to the bedroom also improved the situation. This seems to rarely be mentioned online where most people are trying to sell you a solution of some kind.

4. Most of the medical devices do very little. Mandibular Advancement Devices do sort of work if you can get used to them AND you are a throat snorer and not a tongue snorer. If you are a tongue snorer then tongue restrainers can help, but it's far more comfortable to train yourself to sleep in a different position where your tongue doesn't fall back into your throat. Your boyfriend will need to figure out which type of snorer they are. Breath right strips do very little for intense snorers.

5. Alcohol is the worst. It would make me snore so loud that I would wake myself up AND I wear earplugs when I sleep because I grew up with a large family where there was constant noise disturbing my sleep.

My recommendation, after you break the news to your boyfriend, is to leave anti-snoring devices for last. They quickly get expensive, are painful in the morning, and hard to adjust to sleeping with. Start with antihistamines, a good air filter, and sleeping position. Use one of those phone apps for tracking snoring at night so that you have an idea of which changes are helping (these can also help diagnose sleep apnea, which is also a possibility). With just those changes I went from a "demonic" snorer to a regular human that snores sometimes, typically lightly.
posted by forbiddencabinet at 9:49 AM on October 2, 2018 [2 favorites]

I don't think he's ever criticized me about something physical like this, and I don't know how to tell him.

I wouldn't think of it as "criticizing him."

Being a "Giant Dragon" of a snorer myself, it can feel critical when you are informed that you snore.
posted by Dr. Twist at 9:49 AM on October 2, 2018 [1 favorite]

in my experience it is not at all necessary to be a "light sleeper" for partner snoring to become a major problem. Snoring is loud AF and it's two feet from your head. You might be a light sleeper, OP, but I'm not, and I can't sleep through partner snoring.

As to what helps... muffling white noise can help quite a lot. Cheapest and easiest are the phone apps that produce white noise. A fan (ideally in combination with the phone) can also help so you have the white noise coming from different spots in the room.

That said, you have to tell him. It isn't a criticism, but obviously it might be taken that way. Try to present it as a sort of thing that's been happening to him rather than that he's been "doing."

I haven't tried the air filter but will be keeping it in mind! Very interesting.
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:25 PM on October 2, 2018 [2 favorites]

Does the position he sleeps in make a difference? I was the dragon in my relationship and my husband used to gently guide me to turn on my side which stopped the snoring. After a few years he could just touch me and murmur "turn" and I'd turn without even waking.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 9:21 PM on October 2, 2018

He should see a sleep doctor and have a sleep study done before trying the suggestions of a group of strangers on the internet.
posted by medusa at 9:41 AM on October 3, 2018 [2 favorites]

Sleep apnea shortens your life and reduces its quality. Most people who have sleep apnea don't know it, and most people underestimate the enormous effect that sleep quality has on quality of life. Even if your motivation is selfish, you could be doing him an enormous lifelong favor by encouraging him to get it checked out by a board-certified sleep doctor. Hopefully he has the wisdom to understand that.

This is especially critical if he has breathing irregularities during sleep (stops breathing for several seconds, or gasps or chokes or snorts suddenly), as those are strong indicators for apnea.

Sincerely,
A person who snored for years, assumed I likely didn't have sleep apnea because I was young and not overweight, and now don't snore thanks to the CPAP machine I got after my spouse suspected sleep apnea and encouraged me to get it checked
posted by Syllepsis at 8:50 PM on October 3, 2018

My husband snores like nothing I've ever heard before. I've been mentioning it a while and was even considering separate rooms. But I do miss him, so skuypered that one. Recently, I started noticing the hearing in my left ear wasn't nearly as good as my right. They used to be pretty close. I'm only 37 with no congenital hearing loss in my families. But I did have someone snoring in my left ear for 15 years. Hmm...wonder what that could be?

All this to say, I finally settled on ear plugs. I like Mack's Ultra Soft Foam earplugs, in 32 dbl strength. Works like a charm! The bonus being that my body now automatically knows it's time for sleep. I used to have bad insomnia as well, which has corrected itself since I began using them. My ears also don't feel like they've been sodomized every morning. Hope that helps.
posted by arishaun at 11:20 PM on October 4, 2018 [1 favorite]