Ask him out or focus on myself for a while? Rebound risk!
September 24, 2018 9:04 AM   Subscribe

I've met someone I'd like to get to know, but I'm not 100% over my last relationship. Also now sure how interested he is.

Hey everyone. I went through a break up 6 months ago and I was totally heartbroken. My ex had asked me to move in with him but then emailed to break up and had a 'new' girlfriend within a week. I absolutely adored him and felt shattered for a long time.

In the last week I've moved to a new country, have a new job & joined a social group. The evening I went the group was quite big so we formed lots of circles and I saw a guy in a different circle kept looking over at me. So I smiled and he came right over shook my hand & introduced himself. Turns out we had lots in common but he seemed shy/nervous. As the rest of the group talked I noticed he kept looking back at me even when others were talking. I think I must fancy him at least a bit because I touched him a couple of times and I never do this with guys I don't know!

At the end of the night, we all said goodbye and he looked like he wanted to ask me out but everyone else was there so it would have been awkward. He added me on Facebook the next day but hasn't actually contacted me.

On the one hand, I don't want to read too much into it (he did add other people from the event) and I know I am actively still healing from the last break up. On the other hand, I'd like to get to know him more. Should I wait to see at him at the next social event and see if he makes a move or should I contact him? Or do nothing and just enjoy my newfound developing sense of self sans guy for a while?
posted by Willow251 to Human Relations (10 answers total)
I would see if he invites you via facebook to an event or invite him to something you're going to (or wait for a meet-up like the one you met him at) in the next week or so, and feel him out a bit more before you invest any more energy into it. Enjoy having a crush!
posted by lafemma at 9:24 AM on September 24, 2018 [1 favorite]

Contact him. "Hey, I enjoyed talking with you at [event], I feel like there was a good connection there. Want to grab a [ consumable ] [ somewhere public ]? What's your schedule look like, I'm free [ several days/times in next week ]."

You can always pull the brakes any time. But if someone doesn't push it forward, it isn't going to go anywhere.
posted by seanmpuckett at 9:25 AM on September 24, 2018 [3 favorites]

I think taking time away from relationships and focusing on oneself is a really good idea--for people who have a problem being codependent or who aren't happy with the way they latch onto other people for a sense of identity. If that's you, maybe hold off. But is that you?

For just about anybody else, six months is plenty of time. If you're interested, why not?
posted by skewed at 9:25 AM on September 24, 2018 [6 favorites]

Given the intensity of that previous situation for you, I think there would be a lot of power in just having the experience of letting it go. You may have a panic reaction at some point, and that's fine - breathe through it, feel yourself being totally unharmed by choosing yourself this time.

Just let it ride on Facebook a while. It's not like you can't find him again later if you decide you're ready to give it a shot, but spend some time not being ready as a personal choice, for now. You've just had a major life change, focus on getting settled first.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:05 AM on September 24, 2018 [4 favorites]

Also, following someone quietly on FB is a good way to find out if he is garbage or if his friends are garbage. I mean, it won't help if he has a highly curated safe FB presence, but still. It's worth watching and waiting a bit to see.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:40 AM on September 24, 2018 [7 favorites]

Answering as a man I would say that we all have different intentions, I would advise that if you are interested proceed with caution. He sounds like a bit of a player if he made a bee line straight for you. Nothing wrong with going for a date if he asks and then you might be able to recognise better what his intentions are.
posted by gypsyfighter at 11:05 AM on September 24, 2018

Or do nothing and just enjoy my newfound developing sense of self sans guy for a while?

It doesn't have to be either/or--you can do both! This guy sounds like a good candidate for a casual date or fwb situation, or just someone you can think of from time to time as a distraction from your ex. In my experience, the hands-down best way to get over a breakup is to hook up with someone else. I don't think "rebound" is an inherently bad thing, either, just for what it's worth.
posted by witchen at 12:34 PM on September 24, 2018 [2 favorites]

Maybe just enjoy this new potential 'thing' with this guy for a while, without pushing it to be 'something'. Keep observing how he acts with you and other people and maybe after a while if you keep going to meet ups you would have seen enough to ask him out. Personally, I wouldn't ask him out after one meeting, occurring in this kind of social group. There's no hurry, just enjoy!
posted by thereader at 12:35 PM on September 24, 2018 [1 favorite]

Eh, I don’t know. I went through your posts to find out more about your ex and I’m sorry he did such awful things to you. The only issue I have with this is it doesn’t seem like you’re quite moved on from it (and you admit that).

Everyone heals at their own pace, but, how long are you going to take here? Have you dated anyone since? The reason I ask is because at some point, if you want love in your life, you have to take a chance. Love is rarely ever convenient.

So you can contact him, and ask him how he is if you want to. His response to you will tell you what you need to know. If anything, you can make a new friend. There’s really no harm in reaching out to people. That’s the beauty of social media.

I honestly don’t think, if he responds favorably, he’d be a rebound. I think you’re closer to being healed than anybody would admit. Your last relationship was a year and a half long. You’re young; you can’t let a breakup shackle you to fear.

I say: put yourself back out there. You’ve spent 6 months working on yourself.
posted by AlexandriaParis at 4:45 PM on September 24, 2018 [1 favorite]

I let it stew for almost a week and asked him today - he said yes. :)

I'm not going to dive into anything this time, for the moment I'd just like to get to know him a bit better. I'm barely the thinking about the ex at all now, although I recognise there is still healing to take place. It's an on-going process but I'd like to get to know this person better in the meantime.
posted by Willow251 at 10:09 AM on September 29, 2018

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