Getting up in the morning with spouse...together or seperate
September 19, 2018 11:13 AM   Subscribe

For all you married or living together couples out there, do you and your other half wake up together in the morning at the same time or does one wake up and leave before the other gets up?

Both my wife and I work. My wife has to drive to work...a pretty long drive of about 40 minutes. I am fortunate enough to work from home. Since I work for myself I don't really have a set schedule. I have never been much of a morning person. For the last several years I've always gotten up with my wife and had breakfast with her before she leaves for work. Recently she was out of town and I decided not to get up at the usual crack of dawn she gets us up for ever day. I must say I am way less tired with a couple extra hours of sleep. Would it be uncool of me to tell my wife I'm not waking up with her in the mornings any more during the week? In some ways it's nice for us to eat breakfast together. But I'm always so tired like a zombie that I'm not sure whether it really counts as "quality" time. At this point we have no kids. Thoughts? Do you and your significant other get up at the same time together? Do you think my wife might start to feel bad or resentful if I stopped getting up with her? Any thoughts here would be great.
posted by ljs30 to Human Relations (47 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
I start work at 7am and I'm up at 5am every day. My husband usually starts work around 8am and doesn't get up until I've already arrived at my office.

He has no issue with me pottering around with a low light on, even watching the news on the TV in the bedroom while I'm getting dressed. He stays firmly in bed, under the covers.

I kiss him goodbye at 5.45am every morning and it's usually met with a closed eye, groggy sounding "Bbbyyyyeyyeeyyyeee babes" from him, and then he promptly falls back to sleep.

I don't think it's unreasonable for 2 people to get up at completely different times. Actually I find your version quite lovely, but not the norm (for me at least).
In fact, it makes weekend mornings all the more special for us because we don't usually get to see each other at that time of day!

Make sure you discuss this with your wife though - she might be quite attached to this lovely morning routine and the only way you'll find out if it will make her feel bad is to talk to her!
posted by JenThePro at 11:19 AM on September 19, 2018 [7 favorites]

For the entire duration of my cohabitation relationship with my wife -- so since ~ 2002 -- I've worked at home, so I could really set my own hours. I've always made a point of getting up with her, though, so our schedules are in sync.
posted by uberchet at 11:21 AM on September 19, 2018 [1 favorite]

I’m in the same situation that you guys are in — I get up earlier and have an hour-long commute; he works from home and gets up way later. With the caveat that I’m an off-the-charts introvert, I’ll say that I actually enjoy having the time to myself in the morning. In fact, on the days where for some reason we get up at the same time on weekdays, I get grumpy because we're having to take turns in the bathroom and so forth. So it certainly doesn’t sound awful to me that you get up when you want instead of getting up early because you have to.
posted by holborne at 11:22 AM on September 19, 2018 [10 favorites]

I work 9-5 and my husband has a shift job, as a result we usually don't go to bed at the same time and we never get up at the same time. This is a complete non-issue to me, we always eat dinner together and spend the vast majority of our spare time together so the idea that one of us would need to get up unnecessarily early in the morning to hang out would never occur to me. However, I am NOT a morning person and I don't think I have ever sat down to eat breakfast at home before leaving for work in my entire life, so if that's something you both enjoy doing it might be a nice tradition to keep going.
posted by cakelite at 11:23 AM on September 19, 2018 [3 favorites]

We’ve had different routines over the years and honestly, both ways are nice. It’s pleasant to see my partner in the morning and talk a bit before we head our separate ways, but getting ready for work all by myself and not having to talk to anyone is also great.

No way to know how your wife feels about it, so I think you’re just going to have to talk to her and see. Maybe she’d be totally cool with morning alone time! Or would love you to see her off on Mondays but sleep in the rest of the week, or wake up when she does for ten minutes of morning cuddles before you go back to sleep, or wake up ten minutes before she leaves for a quick morning hug, or whatever works for you both.

The biggest issue we have when I don’t get up with my partner is just him getting dressed in the dark. Picking out clothes the night before is highly recommended. Otherwise he’s in and out of the bedroom half a dozen times trying to pick out matching clothes in the dark.
posted by Stacey at 11:23 AM on September 19, 2018 [5 favorites]

You should ask your wife if she cares, because everybody is different and none of us know her. I'm a wife in my relationship and I never get up when my husband does.
posted by something something at 11:23 AM on September 19, 2018 [35 favorites]

I shifted my hours earlier because it's pleasant for me to wake up with my wife. It's nice for us to go through our befuddled morning routines; she makes tea for me, sometimes I cut extra fruit for her, we can talk about what's going to happen after work, show affection for each other and so on. If she has to leave extra early, I enjoy the lie-in as you did today; it's a bit of a treat. Part of this was I had to start going to bed a little earlier so I have enough sleep; I still stay up later than her, but I can't stay up as late as I used to.

Do you think my wife might start to feel bad or resentful if I stopped getting up with her?
There is one person in the entire world who will have the correct answer to this. The bad news is she doesn't post here, but the good news is that she lives with you.
posted by Homeboy Trouble at 11:23 AM on September 19, 2018 [23 favorites]

My wife and I never get up at the same time during the week. I get up at 6am and not only would I never expect her to get up to keep me company, I actually prefer grumbling around solo until I get to the office and have become something (kind of) resembling a pleasant member of society.
posted by joelhunt at 11:23 AM on September 19, 2018 [5 favorites]

I need more sleep than my spouse. I try to go to bed when he does, but I sleep later. I work from home, and usually get up just after he heads out the door. I need the sleep, and he enjoys the alone-time in the morning.
posted by hydra77 at 11:24 AM on September 19, 2018 [2 favorites]

My wife needs to be at the bus for work by 7:15. I work from home.

I wake up at 5 to make coffee and deal with the animals. She's up a half hour later to get ready for work. If wanted to sleep in, she would not begrudge me. In fact, if I'm feeling tired I just get up, start the coffee and go right back to bed. I would offer that it only feels weird because your spouse is 'suffering' while you live large with an extra hour of sleep. Perfectly normal and good feeling to have (in marriage in general) but ultimately unnecessary. I think as long as your wife knows that if she needed you at the asscrack of dawn you would be there in a heartbeat ( I assume this is true) then no harm, no foul, whatever keeps you happy and productive.
posted by deadwater at 11:30 AM on September 19, 2018 [1 favorite]

Perhaps you could aim for something of a compromise, where you still have some time together, but she's up before you, and you get woken up just in time for the shared event.

My wife and I do that. Part of it depends upon her schedule which issn't the same each day. But on most days, I wake up before her at stupid o'clock. I run with her dog, feed him, shower, pack my lunch, then wake up my wife for coffee. We have coffee time together, then I head off to work while she starts getting ready.

Granted, since your wife likely spends less time getting ready for work than my hour+ run the shifting might be less of a time-saving. But even 20-30 minutes might leave you feeling better. At least I know when I recently switched my wake up calls to be 10 minutes earlier I *really* felt that for the first 2 weeks. It didn't help that the shortening days already complicated my circadian rhythm.
posted by nobeagle at 11:34 AM on September 19, 2018

Do you and your significant other get up at the same time together?

It depends on the day. My bf is in the restaurant industry and has very late hours (roughly 2pm-1am). I have an office job, but fortunately a very flexible one, and I usually start work between 10am and 12pm.

On some days, this all means I wake up a couple of hours before him, try my damnedest to let him sleep in, and leave for work without seeing him. (I'm actually experimenting with sleeping in our guest room on nights like this, so I don't have to tiptoe when getting ready and he's less likely to be disturbed.) I miss hanging out with him in the morning, but it's better for him if he gets to sleep in, and better for me and our relationship if he's well-rested and in a good mood!

On other days, particularly days we both have off from work, we'll both sleep in together. Those mornings are obviously more fun but I view both types of day as necessary to our health and well-being.

Do you think my wife might start to feel bad or resentful if I stopped getting up with her?

I mean, hopefully not, but you know your wife better than we do! Personally, when we started trying out the occasionally-sleeping-in-separate-bedrooms experiment, I told my bf upfront that I would need some extra affection when we are together to help me feel good about sleeping separately. So I recommend asking your wife what you can do to make this easier for her.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 11:34 AM on September 19, 2018

My parents have separate bedrooms because of how disparate their morning routines are. Once my dad has made my mom coffee, she comes downstairs and they begin their day together. Both are light sleepers with sleep issues. YMMV.
posted by Hermione Granger at 11:36 AM on September 19, 2018

I wouldn’t think of getting up at the same time as my partner and neither would they. In fact, I’m sure they really love the hour or more before I get up to spend as they please.
posted by Marinara at 11:38 AM on September 19, 2018 [3 favorites]

Presently. my wife and I commute to work together on the MBTA Commuter Rail almost every day, but I get out of bed at 5:30 so I can shower, dress, feed the cats, eat a little breakfast, make coffee, and watch a bit of the morning news. My wife generally gets out of bed around 6:30 so we can leave for the train by 6:40.
posted by briank at 11:47 AM on September 19, 2018

I used to get up before my partner, and really cherished the quiet mornings to myself. Then my partner got up before me, and I really cherished the quiet mornings when he left. Now we get up at the same time and while it does involve some getting-ready choreography, I really cherish our time together and I'm always in a good mood in the morning as a result of our chatting and joking through the a.m. routine (and I find quiet time elsewhere in the day, now).

Ask your wife what she prefers, and think about what you prefer--it might change by the season, and there's also no reason you have to do it and stick to it. Maybe some mornings you get up together, others you don't.
posted by stellaluna at 11:53 AM on September 19, 2018 [1 favorite]

There's no right answer here, only what's right for you. That said, I'm in exactly your situation, except that I'm more of a morning person than my wife. On weekdays, we get up together, we both attend to our cats' various needs, I make coffee for us, and sometimes I make lunch for her. It would definitely slow her down (forcing her to get up earlier, which she would not like) if I did not get up with her. If she needs to be up especially early for an appointment, she'll always say I don't need to get up with her, but I usually do anyhow. On weekends, we both get up whenever we want, but I usually wind up getting up a couple hours before her.
posted by adamrice at 11:57 AM on September 19, 2018 [1 favorite]

Nthing ask your wife. But beyond that, it sounds like you like that together time, so can you nap, maybe right after she leaves the house? Or after you have lunch?

If you find that once you're up, you have trouble getting back to sleep, you could do morning exercises, anything from biking or jogging or yoga, or even a few push-ups and sit-ups, to get your blood pumping. That might also make it more feasible for you to nap in the afternoon, if you feel yourself dragging then.
posted by filthy light thief at 12:02 PM on September 19, 2018

Do you think my wife might start to feel bad or resentful if I stopped getting up with her?

You could always test this for a few weeks and then check in on how you're both feeling. It doesn't have to be all-or-nothing.
posted by capricorn at 12:04 PM on September 19, 2018 [4 favorites]

adamrice makes an excellent point. Are you a help or an accidental hindrance in the morning? If your sleeping in means a shorter morning preparation time for your wife, allowing her to lie in longer, that might be a bonus. But you still have to talk to her about it.
posted by Iris Gambol at 12:04 PM on September 19, 2018 [1 favorite]

Not married, but I’ve actually talked to my mom about this. She gets up at 4 in the morning to have breakfast with my stepdad. I was like, but it’s 4 in the morning and YOU don’t have to work; why don’t you just sleep in? Apparently, growing up, her parents never made breakfast for her and she felt like she wasn’t important. So, for her, it’s an expression of love and it’s important for her to do.
posted by Weeping_angel at 12:06 PM on September 19, 2018 [4 favorites]

Yeah, this is a question for her. Not only would asking her get at the details of how she'll feel in a way that we can't, but it also expresses an important respect for the fact that the opportunity to sleep late would be a privilege that she wouldn't have, and that that MIGHT hurt her feelings. It might not, but recognizing that it wouldn't be ridiculous for her to be frustrated that you get a benefit she might wish she has would go a long way to ameliorating the effect.

I have been the first one up and the last one up over the years; I don't think we've ever gotten up together, though our morning routines have overlapped at times.
posted by gideonfrog at 12:10 PM on September 19, 2018 [1 favorite]

Do you go to bed at the same time? Is that enough sleep for you? My husband needs less sleep than I do. We go to bed at about the same time and I sleep my full eight hours until the alarm goes off. He wakes up naturally an hour to an hour and a half before I do. he makes me coffee and acts as a backup alarm. Then we do a Guardian Crossword together. This is the best part of the day.

Only your wife can tell you whether she will be okay with a change in your routine. Only you know if the zombie thing is because of the wake time or if you are actually short on sleep.
posted by TORunner at 12:18 PM on September 19, 2018 [1 favorite]

I wake up with my husband, who leaves 2-1/2 hours before I do. He's a teacher and his co-curricular usually runs late into the evening, so we enjoy 30 minutes of coffee time to check in with each other in the morning, because we really don't get much together time in the evening. In the summer, we do our own things in the mornings because we can catch up in the evening. Agreeing with everyone to ask your wife what she would like.
posted by sarajane at 12:25 PM on September 19, 2018

When I was unemployed a few years ago, I got up at the same time as my husband and did little things for him -- got his lunch out of the fridge and put together, filled up with water bottle, etc., and then usually went back to bed after he arrived at work. But once I started working, no way. He gets up about 5:40 and has to be at work at 7. I roll out of bed between 7:30-8 and get to work when I get to work (9, 9:30). Sometimes I can fall asleep after he gets up but not always, but the one day in a million where I actually get out of bed when he gets up, I'm totally worthless and exhausted. However, we have lots of evening time together and every weekend. It might be different if our schedules were very different.
posted by jabes at 12:30 PM on September 19, 2018

When I've been the early riser in my relationship, ultimately my sleep suffered because we're in the habit of going to bed at the same time (anything else would be more difficult for both of us). When I realized that was one of the reasons I was consistently more tired, we changed our morning routine (he does the morning dog walk, plus he goes to work slightly earlier) so that we were better aligned. We don't have a ton of together time or anything, but it definitely works better for my sleep schedule.

Long answer short: to me it depends on whether you prefer to go to bed simultaneously, and whether you both need the same amount of sleep.
posted by mosst at 12:31 PM on September 19, 2018

I'm a night owl and my husband is a morning person. He gets up at half 6, feeds the cats, and leaves for work about half seven. I work from home and I sleep in whilst cuddling the cats who come back to bed. This works for us because he enjoys quite a lot of alone time anyway, and whilst when we do get up together it's nice, it's not as nice as sticking to my natural sleep schedule and not feeling tired all the time.

I do compensate for not getting up by making sure that, before I come to bed, I clean off all the kitchen surfaces and set out his bowl cereal and coffee stuff and everything for the next day.
posted by stillnocturnal at 12:31 PM on September 19, 2018 [1 favorite]

My husband gets up at 415 most days and I stay in bed until 630-700 and it’s fine, I did ask him once if it bothered him and he said not at all. My issue is he goes to bed hours before me and that bothers me, but I know he needs a good nights sleep and I’m not bothered enough to shift to his schedule. I would suggest asking your wife how she feels about it. Your morning routine together sounds pretty nice to me, I’d love having some time together waking up and getting ready for the day.
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 12:36 PM on September 19, 2018

I think a lot depends on your morning routines, when my husband still worked we had an offset such that I got up, did my bathroom stuff, ate a food, then checked if he was up and shoved him in the shower as needed. This was because I need that unhurried private time for my own sanity, and he needed human intervention to actually get out of bed. This worked out perfectly for us for many years.

And on the bedtime end of things I went to bed with a book for a couple of hours while he watched TV in the other room, and I was usually asleep before he came to bed.

That said, when he was out of work for years and did not bother getting up until I was gone for the day, it became a symbol in my mind of how much more work I did, with my day job and all the house work and trying to be his therapist and all that. I absolutely resented knowing that he was still sleeping peacefully while I sat in morning traffic, and might still be in pjs when I got home.
posted by buildmyworld at 12:48 PM on September 19, 2018


We both set our own work schedules, and it's just the two of us for now, so this grants us a fair amount of flexibility. But I wake naturally with the sun or after a sufficient 7-8 hours of sleep like clockwork; the only time I've had to set an alarm for wakeup in the last few years is when I have to catch an early flight. And when I'm ready to go to sleep, I'm out like a light within 10 minutes. So sometimes I'll go to bed before my husband, sometimes after, sometimes at the same time; I'm just listening to whatever my body says.

Mr. Kouti, on the other hand, has a much harder time with sleep. His alarm goes off and it still takes him like 45-90 minutes to get out of bed; when it's time to go to sleep at night, he needs perfect dark and quiet (like, even the dishwasher running quietly in the kitchen will keep him up). He resents the need to sleep, but he also resents the need to get out of the warm bed. He is definitely a morning zombie like you. :)

This usually adds up to mornings being mine. I'll wake up somewhere around 7 (maybe 8 on weekends), pad out to the kitchen and make breakfast, then hop onto the computer to start planning my day. On weekdays, if he doesn't have a morning call scheduled, he'll wake up enough to look at email on his phone somewhere around 8:30, is usually coherent enough to stumble out to the kitchen to make coffee around 9:30, and then after a powerbar and a shower, heads out to write around 10. Weekends, he likes staying in bed until 11 or noon; our "togetherness" time is usually evenings and weekend afternoons because he's just not lucid until 10 am on average.

Before this, though, he used to have the 45 minute driving commute to have to be to work by 8 when I had a 45 minute transit commute but didn't have to be in until 8:30 or 9; he'd wake up and get ready to go and then wake me up when he was about to head out. That way we weren't tripping over each other in the bathroom in the morning.

So the real answer is that I'd talk to your wife and see what she thinks - maybe you could set up a dinner routine for togetherness instead, or some other little ritual that would replace the morning ritual you have right now. Maybe she'd like mornings to herself! Maybe she'd miss them, but understands you feel better physically when you when you can sleep in later. Maybe she feels like you two should always go to sleep and get up together - but maybe she doesn't!
posted by Pandora Kouti at 12:58 PM on September 19, 2018

Talk to your wife, she may not care, She may care a lot or you may get a compromise. Only she can answer.
The ex and I never went to bed together (He stayed up later) or got up at the same time. We just did not sync well in that area and neither of us was bothered by it.

Now, boyfriend and I go to bed at the same time, get up at the same time, He also gets up with me on the two days I go to work super early. BUT we both had similar schedules before we lived together, so it was easy.
posted by ReiFlinx at 1:18 PM on September 19, 2018

Must it be all or nothing? Could you sleep in 3 days, get up in time for breakfast with her 2 days? Or some combination?
posted by greermahoney at 1:29 PM on September 19, 2018 [2 favorites]

Do you think my wife might start to feel bad or resentful if I stopped getting up with her?

This is a question for you wife, not us.

My husband works from home and I do not. I generally wake up at 7:00 and am out the door by 8:00. He is NOT a morning person and I have never, ever expected him to get up at the same time as me. On the rare occasions he does, it's a total distraction for me and honestly, I like the quiet, alone time.

On weekends, I just naturally wake up around 7:30/8:00, and he doesn't, so I'll just hang out with the dog, drinking coffee or tea, reading the internet. Suits me just fine.
posted by cooker girl at 1:31 PM on September 19, 2018

I think only your wife can answer this. I teach and work pretty early, my husband works all kinds of shifts. We don’t get up together, ever, although on days I’m not working I’ll wait to have breakfast with him most of the time.

The only problem this presents is him occasionally being an ass and complaining when I go to bed at an hour he thinks is unseemly early (say, 10 PM, so I can be asleep by 10:30 and get a full 8 hours of sleep before the alarm goes off at 6:30), when he is not waking up until 10:30 or 11. So: don’t be an ass, and respect her need for a more regimented schedule. If you find yourself staying up later, be quiet and respectful and make sure you don’t put her in a situation where she’s going to resent you because she wakes up every morning and the sink she left clean is full of dishes or whatever NOT THAT THIS EVER HAPPENS TO ME I’M FINE.
posted by charmedimsure at 1:36 PM on September 19, 2018 [3 favorites]

Mr. rw gets up between 2:30 and 3 a.m. and starts falling asleep around 7:30 or 8 p.m.

At 6 a.m., he comes into the bedroom, says "good morning, hon! are you ready for me to bring you coffee the paper?" He sits on the side of my bed and rubs my back for a couple minutes. At about 6:05 a.m., he comes back with coffee and the morning paper and turns the light on, after asking if it's okay.

At 6:50 a.m., we leave for a two-mile walk together. At 8 a.m., he makes me an egg or an omelette. Sometimes, he buys me a coffee or latte on our walks.

I don't get up at the same time, but our morning routine is pretty set. He almost always leaves before I do and he would not be happy if I got up when he did. (Frankly, I'd hate it too.)

Sometimes, I have meetings that go very late and, if I want to sleep in, I send him an email the night before and he lets me sleep in.

I feel very doted on and enjoy our time in the morning. Mr. rw is the best!
posted by rw at 1:43 PM on September 19, 2018 [1 favorite]

It's so dependent on the individuals -- I, for one, will happily murder anyone who so much as glances at me until I've been up for a full hour and gotten my own morning routine and quiet time in. My husband gets up about half an hour after me and we will often go entire mornings saying less than ten words to each other.

But then we do get plenty of quality time in the evenings, which we both much prefer.
posted by EmilyFlew at 2:18 PM on September 19, 2018

My spouse needs a lot more sleep than me and my schedule involves more early mornings and some extremely early mornings. In the ten years we've been living together, I'm not sure we've ever woken up at the same time except when camping.

On weekdays, when we're both at home (we mostly live in different cities at the moment, for work-related reasons), she's never awake when I leave the house. On weekends, I usually get up three or four hours before her, do some computer work or putter around the house, and then make breakfast in bed when she wakes up. Half the time she's fallen asleep again before I can serve it - but it heats up easily enough.

Personally, I'd much rather have a well-rested spouse whose evenings are synced up with mine than someone who goes to bed early or is stressed out about not getting enough rest. As long as the time you spend together is rewarding, I wouldn't worry about it. Sleep in.
posted by eotvos at 2:27 PM on September 19, 2018

I'm a lark and my husband is an owl, so I'm almost always up first, to run, do dishes, do freelance work at home, etc. I can see our bed from my desk and enjoy watching him sleep while I sit at the computer (vicarious sleeping in?). He wakes up a little before I need to leave, greets me blearily, eats the rest of the bowl of fruit and yogurt I've had the first half of, and sees me off at the door. Once in a while on his weekend days he's still asleep and that's fine, I just text him after I've left to say have a good day, fruit in fridge, see you later.
No right answer, whatever works for you and your wife is good.
posted by huimangm at 3:01 PM on September 19, 2018

My wife and I get up at roughly the same time. My work starts late so I'm responsible for making breakfast for our kids and dropping them off at school while my wife gets ready herself and leaves. Even when she was at home and I could theoretically sleep in these were still my responsibilities because I get home after the kids are asleep so this was my way to spend some time with them during the week. If we didn't have kids I'd probably still get up at the same time to have breakfast with her because even though I'm more of a night-owl, I'm not really doing anything most mornings that requires me to be at my sharpest.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 3:06 PM on September 19, 2018

Spouse just retired two weeks ago, but before that for the past 20+ years he has gotten up on most weekdays around 5:45 and left by 7. He would wake me to kiss me goodbye each morning, and then I'd continue sleeping usually until 8 or 9 (I don't work) unless I had an early appointment of some kind. Now that he's retired, he gets up most days around 7 or 8 and I still get up around 8 or 9. We have never breakfasted together except if we do something special on weekends at home or out. I don't like food before 9 or 10 and he needs it the minute he's out of bed. Our different waking hours has never posed a problem for us.
posted by mmw at 5:17 PM on September 19, 2018

Why are you asking us? Ask your wife!
posted by summerstorm at 5:59 PM on September 19, 2018 [3 favorites]

My husband gets up earlier than I do, but sometimes I get up with him. He doesn't really appreciate it because he wants his early time. Mostly, I try to stay in bed until he is gone.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 7:57 PM on September 19, 2018

I commute to work and my husband works from home, and we rarely get up at the same time. Half the time I'm getting up ungodly early to go to the gym anyway, the other half I get to enjoy ("enjoy") bleary getting-ready times when I'd really prefer not to talk to anyone, and when I don't have to worry that I'm hogging the good bathroom. He's usually up and about by the time that I'm ready to leave the house, and gives me a ride to the train station if it's too gross for biking.

So staggered getting-up works well for us! That said, if your breakfasting together(/if you both enjoy both eating and being somewhat social in the mornings, which is not something I can relate to) is nice tradition that you both value, I'd keep it up.
posted by quatsch at 6:58 AM on September 20, 2018

You have to ask your wife how she feels about it. And be sure to ask her again periodically, especially if you plan to have children. I'm a morning person, and a quiet introvert; my kid's dad is a night person, and a loud one. Pre-kid, I loved the morning solitude while he slept in. Post-kid, I resent the shit out of his sleeping until 10am every morning while I handle the kid solo for 3-4 hours.
posted by xylothek at 7:30 AM on September 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

When I worked in central London I would get up first, and make everyone’s breakfast.

Now I’m at home I wake up when my wife’s alarm goes off but I don’t get up until she has left. It has not been any kind of problem.
posted by Segundus at 9:24 AM on September 20, 2018

I have been with my husband for 16 years and the only time we get up together is when we are on vacation. Even on weekends, we trade off sleep-ins for the other one getting up to hang with our kid.

I work from home, but on weekdays I get up first and get our daughter organized for school. Then I generally grab a coffee at a coffee shop and wait until my husband leaves (around 8:45) before I get home and start my work. I don't even want to see him in the morning. I am no use as a companion in the mornings and find other people irritating at that time of day.

I wouldn't like to change. But the only person who can answer this is your wife.
posted by gaspode at 11:42 AM on September 20, 2018

My husband and I have woken up at the same time (during the work week) ever since we moved in together, but we also commute part-way together to work so it just makes sense. It's not quality time per se, but it's quantity time. It's all the little routine things that I love, like how he takes an antihistamine and then rolls over and gives me a glass of water and a tablet for me, how we spend 15 minutes patting and hugging the dog together, how we talk through our sleep, dreams, plans for the day while we get ready in the bathroom...for me it would make me sad that I didn't have much, if any, contact with my partner until 6pm that night, and I really felt the difference when our work scheduled changed for a little while and he had to leave before me. On the other hand, my husband doesn't really see the value in it and does it only because it makes sense logistically.

It's going to be hugely dependent on your wife and what she likes and values.
posted by liquorice at 6:39 PM on September 20, 2018

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