How do I stop being so sensitive about my weight?

September 6, 2018 11:11 AM

I’m mildly obese and have been for years. I occasionally get comments and advice about this, often well-intentioned, sometimes not. I always react to any comment that mentions the size of my body by visibly tearing up. Recently, a random elderly lady acquaintance told me, “you’re so skinny! You need to eat more!” and I cried. What I can I do to adjust my in-the-moment reaction?

I’m in therapy to work on my relationship with my body and I’m also taking steps to figure out my habits around eating and exercise and so on. I have also come up with a narrative to explain why I react so strongly, to do with childhood bullying from my family and from other kids. So I think I’m making progress on this issue more generally. But I would really like to stop accidentally crying at coworkers and distant family members and stray old ladies soon, sooner than I think it will take for me to achieve perfect—or even significantly improved—psychological health. Are there any mental scripts or somatic quieting tips or anything that I can use to minimise my reaction to these comments in the meanwhile?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (8 answers total)

I'll tell you what worked for me, although this advice won't go over well for everyone.

I accepted that I was overweight. I stopped letting people say things like "oh you're not that chubby" and because comfortable saying "Yea I'm chubby/fat," in a matter of fact way without expressing pity for myself. It's ok to also mention wanting to get healthier, and some of the ways you've tackled the issue.

Also being around lots of other body types in a hamam helped a lot. It really taught me a lot to be around others of all shapes and sizes who didn't care about it! Shame about our bodies is taught, and is a lesson that can be unlearned. This particular classroom might be harder to find outside of the Middle East.
posted by cacao at 11:23 AM on September 6, 2018 [12 favorites]

I second the advice about a hamam, though if you're in the U.S. a Korean spa may be easier to find. It has the same effect of seeing a people of various ages and body types walking around naked and not paying any attention to each other.
posted by missrachael at 11:27 AM on September 6, 2018 [5 favorites]

I'm in the US and have had a similar hamam/spa experience in the locker rooms at the YMCA where I swim, if the previous suggestions appeal to you and you're located near a Y.
posted by ferret branca at 11:41 AM on September 6, 2018 [3 favorites]

Get angry instead.

Don't even get angry on your own behalf if you're not ready for that. Get angry because it's fucking rude to comment on someone's physical being, what the fuck ever the comment is unless it's on a topic that might involve a call to 911, like "hey, you're on fire" or "did you know you were bleeding?" Rehearse a response to that, one you can use whether it's someone telling you you're fat or commenting on someone's number of limbs or skin color or sexy/unsexy booty. "Nobody needs your feedback on that" or "that's not your business" or "don't comment on people's bodies". Or "go fuck yourself," that's entirely deserved too for being intrusive.

For people who are extra close, like relatives, you may have to use more than one phrase, but I still think you can start with "Don't comment on people's bodies." Some of those people you may have to sit down and explain in stronger terms that you aren't interested in their commentary and you will remove yourself from the area every time it happens if they can't control it, and you will absent yourself prophylactically if they continue to not control it.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:03 PM on September 6, 2018 [16 favorites]

Mainstream media rarely allows us to look at beautiful fat bodies. I found it really helpful to create my own stream of media (via Tumblr and Instagram) that showcased fat people living their lives, wearing great clothes, looking great naked, etc... The more I saw positive images of other fat people, the better I felt about my own fat body. Reading work by fat activists helps, too.
posted by tangosnail at 12:04 PM on September 6, 2018 [6 favorites]

What worked for me was desensitization. I started talking more about weight and my weight and bodies in general with friends (of course treading carefully as many of us are sensitive due to enduring bullying and societal misogyny). I also read a lot of fat-positive and body-positive articles and essays. I followed lots of fatshion blogs and instagrams and worked to really embrace myself and counterprogram my brain. It takes time, but it works.

I'm not sure if it's a bad thing altogether to cry. It might give rude people some pause to see how they're being rude and cruel. Have some ready phrases to offer people about how talking about the bodies of others is just rude/unnecessary/inappropriate/etc. And, converting the impulse to cry into anger helped, too. Fat activism helped me realize that cruelty around how people look is a failure of culture and society and not an individual "failing."
posted by quince at 12:48 PM on September 6, 2018 [5 favorites]

I'm getting older so it's getting hard to give two fucks or even one about someone else's opinion about my body, but if someone were to say something to me, assuming it was safe to do so (i.e. not a man who looked like they were spoiling for a fight of some kind for instance) I'd say "My body is none of your (damn) business." Granted I live in a more progressive area so the rebuke might be taken more to heart than other areas. I do revert to anger and it might help you to get in touch with yours because wow is it really super not anybody's business. The pain is very real but if you focus more on anger or on assertiveness within, it's an active emotion and will help with the tear reaction. This doesn't make the hurt go away and you don't have to ignore or tamp down the hurt, but focusing on how super inappropriate it is that some person assumes they can just say something about your body unsolicited will be more empowering in the short term I think.
posted by Rufous-headed Towhee heehee at 5:29 PM on September 6, 2018

There are other asks about just not crying - you can search for those and see what answers might be useful. I’d search for and post links but am at work and on phone.

One other thing to try might be rehearsing these situations with your therapist or a trusted friend. I don’t always respond as I want to in the moment and I’ve asked friends to help me by getting coffee and just using whatever prompts I give them. Sort of like improv - I practice responding as if it were a real situation. Then we talk about it and I try again if I want.
posted by bunderful at 7:34 AM on September 7, 2018