I want to see more of her, she's fine with how it is now
September 4, 2018 8:53 PM Subscribe
I have a friend, and I think I need her more than she needs me. And I want more contact with her more often than she does with me. If that's the case, how do I reconcile that, emotionally and logistically?
I have a very close friend, who is also a mother figure, who used to be super available and down to meet up and facetime regularly (we have both moved away). As she puts it, I have a parking space in her heart, and she in mine. We have both been going through a lot of changes lately and she's not even remotely as available as she used to be while I have been super available due to recovering from surgeries, and also maybe I prioritize spending time in friendships more than she does.
But the big issue is - I think I need her more than she needs me. And I want more contact with her more often than she does with me. And I don't know how to reconcile that, emotionally, logistically, in any way.
I tried to tell her that I'd like to talk about something serious, but she said that she can't handle it right now because life is overwhelming her, so I'm respecting that and giving her space. When things calm down on her end, and she becomes more available, I want to ask her if she would be fine with FaceTiming every 2 weeks.
My concern is that ultimately she'll say that she doesn't really need as much contact with me as I do with her, and that she can't commit to that. And that would break my heart. She's my favorite person. I can't imagine my life without her. And at the same time, it hurts so much to want to be in contact with her and not be able to have that. I'm afraid that I would have to stop all contact and get distance from her, just because I love her so much and the unrequited love and care is hurting me on the daily to an extreme degree. My feelings for her are so strong - she's not an acquaintance or a friend that I'm fine with seeing once in a while, or whenever we can make plans. I don't feel this way about anyone else in my life.
What do I do? How do I do it?
I have a very close friend, who is also a mother figure, who used to be super available and down to meet up and facetime regularly (we have both moved away). As she puts it, I have a parking space in her heart, and she in mine. We have both been going through a lot of changes lately and she's not even remotely as available as she used to be while I have been super available due to recovering from surgeries, and also maybe I prioritize spending time in friendships more than she does.
But the big issue is - I think I need her more than she needs me. And I want more contact with her more often than she does with me. And I don't know how to reconcile that, emotionally, logistically, in any way.
I tried to tell her that I'd like to talk about something serious, but she said that she can't handle it right now because life is overwhelming her, so I'm respecting that and giving her space. When things calm down on her end, and she becomes more available, I want to ask her if she would be fine with FaceTiming every 2 weeks.
My concern is that ultimately she'll say that she doesn't really need as much contact with me as I do with her, and that she can't commit to that. And that would break my heart. She's my favorite person. I can't imagine my life without her. And at the same time, it hurts so much to want to be in contact with her and not be able to have that. I'm afraid that I would have to stop all contact and get distance from her, just because I love her so much and the unrequited love and care is hurting me on the daily to an extreme degree. My feelings for her are so strong - she's not an acquaintance or a friend that I'm fine with seeing once in a while, or whenever we can make plans. I don't feel this way about anyone else in my life.
What do I do? How do I do it?
No, no -- don't have a serious talk with her, don't ask her to commit to a schedule. You need to manage your own feelings, you really shouldn't try to make that her job. Because you already know she is comfortable with less contact than you are, and that needs to be OK with you for the friendship to continue. I mean, what's the alternative? You get your way -- and she has more contact with you than she wants? No, no -- you wouldn't actually want that, would you?
With my best friend, over the last 25 years, at times I wanted more contact than she did, at times she wanted more contact than I did. It's in the latter state now -- I haven't talked to her in months. Her dad died a year and a half ago, and now my dad is dying, and I don't know, I just feel like I'm barely keeping it together by skating over the surface of life, and I couldn't skate through a conversation with her, so I just don't want to talk to her these days. I feel like I'd lose my shit, and right now I have to keep moving. I sent her a teapot last week. Maybe that counts? I am a definitely a pretty shitty friend, no question, but I don't love her any less than I ever did, for what that's worth. Your friend said "life was overwhelming her" so maybe she is in a similar spot?
All you can do for now, I think, is ease off -- maybe have a few adventures you can tell her about later, save up interesting stuff online to show her later, stuff like that. Or hell, you could buy her a teapot. Here's a nice one.
posted by pH Indicating Socks at 9:45 PM on September 4, 2018 [31 favorites]
With my best friend, over the last 25 years, at times I wanted more contact than she did, at times she wanted more contact than I did. It's in the latter state now -- I haven't talked to her in months. Her dad died a year and a half ago, and now my dad is dying, and I don't know, I just feel like I'm barely keeping it together by skating over the surface of life, and I couldn't skate through a conversation with her, so I just don't want to talk to her these days. I feel like I'd lose my shit, and right now I have to keep moving. I sent her a teapot last week. Maybe that counts? I am a definitely a pretty shitty friend, no question, but I don't love her any less than I ever did, for what that's worth. Your friend said "life was overwhelming her" so maybe she is in a similar spot?
All you can do for now, I think, is ease off -- maybe have a few adventures you can tell her about later, save up interesting stuff online to show her later, stuff like that. Or hell, you could buy her a teapot. Here's a nice one.
posted by pH Indicating Socks at 9:45 PM on September 4, 2018 [31 favorites]
+1 to pH Indicating socks. Ease off. Maybe join some Meetup groups? Have some adventures that you can tell her about. Engage in ways that seem like they are good fits for both of you.
posted by arnicae at 10:22 PM on September 4, 2018
posted by arnicae at 10:22 PM on September 4, 2018
I have friends I wish I saw more of or less of but your intensity is a bit frightening here.
I think learning to be your own mother figure is necessary and appropriate at this point.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:38 PM on September 4, 2018 [16 favorites]
I think learning to be your own mother figure is necessary and appropriate at this point.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:38 PM on September 4, 2018 [16 favorites]
being someone's mother figure is more demanding and draining than just being their intimate friend. as long as you position her that way in your mind, this tension and inequality of investment will persist. mother figures have to listen and tend and reassure. mother figures always reach this breaking point with real or symbolic children who don't initiate the separation process on their own.
the problem is that if this dynamic is exactly why she means more to you than anyone else, trying to see her as a real peer instead of a mother figure may feel as much like losing her as actually losing her would. but it's still a good idea. this kind of symbolic maternal role has to be temporary in order for a real friendship between you to be permanent.
posted by queenofbithynia at 10:44 PM on September 4, 2018 [27 favorites]
the problem is that if this dynamic is exactly why she means more to you than anyone else, trying to see her as a real peer instead of a mother figure may feel as much like losing her as actually losing her would. but it's still a good idea. this kind of symbolic maternal role has to be temporary in order for a real friendship between you to be permanent.
posted by queenofbithynia at 10:44 PM on September 4, 2018 [27 favorites]
Best answer: I was in your exact same situation. She left me due to the weight and strain and I went almost catatonic. Don't be me.
The advice given to me by a professor who talked to me as I sobbed and broke down in the middle of my final due to this situation was that I absolutely needed to immediately start making friends and more support networks. Later, I found out that I was experiencing terrible issues with codependency and it takes a lot to heal those holes in my heart. Sometimes the high of a mother figure is an emotional replacement for other parts of emptiness in your life, and initially making friends with other people who weren't necessarily mother figures felt wrong and weird to me, but I then learned how to appreciate how they brought new light to aspects of my life that wasn't even known to me before, and I can be my own inner mother.
Inner child therapy also helped me a lot as well. Learning how to reassure yourself is a skill that can be built through therapy. Took me around 4-5 years to heal a lot of this, and even then I get a twinge every now and then. But now I marvel at how deep my networks and friendships are, and how grateful I am to be able to love one person so deeply, and now how I can love myself with that much intensity and even more. It's a peaceful life, to not have to rely on someone more than they can give, because you know you will be fine without them, although I still get pangs of anxiety every now and then but then I try to reassure myself or seek out others who support me in my self-reassurances. Truly, believe in that for yourself, and if you find that hard, then try to nurture the source of that pain and take care of yourself gently and with much self-compassion. It's not easy.
posted by yueliang at 11:06 PM on September 4, 2018 [16 favorites]
The advice given to me by a professor who talked to me as I sobbed and broke down in the middle of my final due to this situation was that I absolutely needed to immediately start making friends and more support networks. Later, I found out that I was experiencing terrible issues with codependency and it takes a lot to heal those holes in my heart. Sometimes the high of a mother figure is an emotional replacement for other parts of emptiness in your life, and initially making friends with other people who weren't necessarily mother figures felt wrong and weird to me, but I then learned how to appreciate how they brought new light to aspects of my life that wasn't even known to me before, and I can be my own inner mother.
Inner child therapy also helped me a lot as well. Learning how to reassure yourself is a skill that can be built through therapy. Took me around 4-5 years to heal a lot of this, and even then I get a twinge every now and then. But now I marvel at how deep my networks and friendships are, and how grateful I am to be able to love one person so deeply, and now how I can love myself with that much intensity and even more. It's a peaceful life, to not have to rely on someone more than they can give, because you know you will be fine without them, although I still get pangs of anxiety every now and then but then I try to reassure myself or seek out others who support me in my self-reassurances. Truly, believe in that for yourself, and if you find that hard, then try to nurture the source of that pain and take care of yourself gently and with much self-compassion. It's not easy.
posted by yueliang at 11:06 PM on September 4, 2018 [16 favorites]
It kind of sounds like you have romantic feelings for your friend. Have you fully thought about that?
Romantic feelings may or may not fit into what you both believe your sexualities to be- but this level of intensity sounds to me like it stems from a non platonic impulse.
Your friend is giving pretty clear signals and in fact is explicitly saying that more contact / a romance with you is not a good fit for her right now, so you need to respect that.
But I wonder if interrogating the type of feelings you're having would be helpful for you as a way to gain awareness around the dynamic happening here.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 11:20 PM on September 4, 2018 [4 favorites]
Romantic feelings may or may not fit into what you both believe your sexualities to be- but this level of intensity sounds to me like it stems from a non platonic impulse.
Your friend is giving pretty clear signals and in fact is explicitly saying that more contact / a romance with you is not a good fit for her right now, so you need to respect that.
But I wonder if interrogating the type of feelings you're having would be helpful for you as a way to gain awareness around the dynamic happening here.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 11:20 PM on September 4, 2018 [4 favorites]
Wait...is this the former therapist from your previous question that you wanted to sue?
From previous question: "The (female) therapist would tell me she loved me, that I had "a parking space in her heart," "
Sorry to dig but seems relevant if so!
posted by bearette at 1:23 AM on September 5, 2018 [29 favorites]
From previous question: "The (female) therapist would tell me she loved me, that I had "a parking space in her heart," "
Sorry to dig but seems relevant if so!
posted by bearette at 1:23 AM on September 5, 2018 [29 favorites]
I am also wondering if this is the therapist you wanted to sue? But I've never heard, "a parking space in the heart" so it might be a common phrase between friends where you are.
If she is the former therapist I think you should stop contacting her, grieve, and move on. She is unable to take the role you want her to have.
Likewise, if she isn't that therapist, I think you need to step back. If she didn't give birth to you, foster you or adopt you, or raise you for a significant portion of your childhood then she is not your mother. You have no right to ask that role of anyone else. Which for those of us with crappy, toxic, absent or deceased mothers I know SUCKS SO HARD but there it is. Mothers owe their children that kind of love, nobody else owes you that, and asking it is really pretty unfair.
On looking at your previous asks you've had a really tough time recently, with many physical, social and emotional challenges. It's okay to need comfort and reassurance, but it's good to spread that need around. Like 5 mates or 10 acquaintances you can spend a little time and get a little support from is fairer that trying to seek it all in one place, you know? My husband is my best friend in the world, but I don't ask him to provide all my support.
Widen your social circle, go on meet ups, hang out in places where talking to new people is possible (which depend a lot on your locality). Mourn that this person cannot give all you are looking for, and look for it in new places.
posted by intergalacticvelvet at 2:13 AM on September 5, 2018 [10 favorites]
If she is the former therapist I think you should stop contacting her, grieve, and move on. She is unable to take the role you want her to have.
Likewise, if she isn't that therapist, I think you need to step back. If she didn't give birth to you, foster you or adopt you, or raise you for a significant portion of your childhood then she is not your mother. You have no right to ask that role of anyone else. Which for those of us with crappy, toxic, absent or deceased mothers I know SUCKS SO HARD but there it is. Mothers owe their children that kind of love, nobody else owes you that, and asking it is really pretty unfair.
On looking at your previous asks you've had a really tough time recently, with many physical, social and emotional challenges. It's okay to need comfort and reassurance, but it's good to spread that need around. Like 5 mates or 10 acquaintances you can spend a little time and get a little support from is fairer that trying to seek it all in one place, you know? My husband is my best friend in the world, but I don't ask him to provide all my support.
Widen your social circle, go on meet ups, hang out in places where talking to new people is possible (which depend a lot on your locality). Mourn that this person cannot give all you are looking for, and look for it in new places.
posted by intergalacticvelvet at 2:13 AM on September 5, 2018 [10 favorites]
I tried to tell her that I'd like to talk about something serious, but she said that she can't handle it right now because life is overwhelming her, so I'm respecting that and giving her space.
It kind of sounds like the bulk of your interaction/ wants are that you talk about yourself and she listens and gives advice. From what you've written anyway. That does get wearying and I've had to step away from people like that too as I got nothing out of the relationship except a bunch of negative energy. It's fine for a bit or if the rest of my life is sunshine and roses at the time so I have some extra good vibes to share but I can't always be available to cheer people up or give them all my energy
If you want to be good friends with a person you need to be a good friend to them: caring, considerate, protectful etc. Not just expect them to do it for you. Things to consider are do you call her when you know she's had a tough time or do you just sit around and wait for her to feel better so she'smore available to you? Does every conversation end up being about you? How much do you know of her life outside your relationship- do you know about her work and other friends and hobbies?
posted by fshgrl at 3:32 PM on September 5, 2018 [3 favorites]
It kind of sounds like the bulk of your interaction/ wants are that you talk about yourself and she listens and gives advice. From what you've written anyway. That does get wearying and I've had to step away from people like that too as I got nothing out of the relationship except a bunch of negative energy. It's fine for a bit or if the rest of my life is sunshine and roses at the time so I have some extra good vibes to share but I can't always be available to cheer people up or give them all my energy
If you want to be good friends with a person you need to be a good friend to them: caring, considerate, protectful etc. Not just expect them to do it for you. Things to consider are do you call her when you know she's had a tough time or do you just sit around and wait for her to feel better so she'smore available to you? Does every conversation end up being about you? How much do you know of her life outside your relationship- do you know about her work and other friends and hobbies?
posted by fshgrl at 3:32 PM on September 5, 2018 [3 favorites]
It seems possible you're basically giving this person a ton of emotional labor to do for you, while having little to bear from them, either because they don't dump it on you or they have ways of doing the labor themselves. When a woman is referred to as a mother-like figure, it often means someone is loading them up with unfair duties and expectations, sometimes that would be unfair even for their actual mother(s). Sounds like a wider social net would do you good, with more people to shoulder less individual burden. Techniques to manage some of it yourself internally would also be helpful.
If nothing else, please, please do not have a "serious talk" where you try and get her to commit to some scheduled meetings like she's your damn therapist or something. Friends, girlfriends, lovers, etc should not be made to be your therapist, that's a gross abuse of relationship.
My best advice would be to start distancing yourself from this person. You have unhealthy unrequited feelings for them, seem to bring emotional labor, and are on the verge of obsessing about it. It's going to hurt for a while both both you and her will be better off once you've either managed your feelings about them or have moved on, most likely the latter. If you had someone else in your life romantically, it'd be much easier to evaluate if and what kind of friendship to maintain with this person.
posted by GoblinHoney at 3:40 PM on September 5, 2018 [1 favorite]
If nothing else, please, please do not have a "serious talk" where you try and get her to commit to some scheduled meetings like she's your damn therapist or something. Friends, girlfriends, lovers, etc should not be made to be your therapist, that's a gross abuse of relationship.
My best advice would be to start distancing yourself from this person. You have unhealthy unrequited feelings for them, seem to bring emotional labor, and are on the verge of obsessing about it. It's going to hurt for a while both both you and her will be better off once you've either managed your feelings about them or have moved on, most likely the latter. If you had someone else in your life romantically, it'd be much easier to evaluate if and what kind of friendship to maintain with this person.
posted by GoblinHoney at 3:40 PM on September 5, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Fshgirl and GoblinHoney, she doesn't share stuff with me, because she believes it to be unethical or too personal. She only wants to talk about me. It's confusing and I don't like it. I want to talk about her life, but she's cagey. I'm not dumping on her. Those are some... bold assumptions.
posted by Kombucha3452 at 3:58 PM on September 5, 2018
posted by Kombucha3452 at 3:58 PM on September 5, 2018
So.... based on your followup post, I am assuming that this person is indeed your former therapist. Even if there is genuine emotional attachment here, this does not sound like a equal and healthy friendship. The fact that she does not share her life and stresses with you suggests that she views this at least partly as a therapist/patient relationship, which is probably why she is more of a mother figure to you. Working to develop healthy relationships built on an equal footing, without power/professional dynamics at play, would serve you far better than trying to increase or even maintain the contact you have with her. If I am wrong and this isn't your former therapist, this is still the advice I would give in the situation you've described. This person is trying to put some pretty strong boundaries in place that are not going to allow the kind of intimate friendship you want.
posted by DTMFA at 6:00 PM on September 5, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by DTMFA at 6:00 PM on September 5, 2018 [5 favorites]
Someone who sees your friendship as one where it would be unethical to tell you personal things is not someone who’s going to want to set up a biweekly phone call in which she will...not tell you anything personal.
She’s giving you very clear signals that deepening your relationship beyond where it is now is not something she is up for. She can care about you and that can still be true. You are not going to get what you want out of this and you cannot make her want what you want. If this is in fact your former therapist, then this is all the more true.
What you do is focus your friend energy elsewhere. Work on building out alternative, robust support systems with friends who enthusiastically want to be part of your life with a sharing dynamic that goes both ways most of the time.
posted by Stacey at 6:43 PM on September 5, 2018 [4 favorites]
She’s giving you very clear signals that deepening your relationship beyond where it is now is not something she is up for. She can care about you and that can still be true. You are not going to get what you want out of this and you cannot make her want what you want. If this is in fact your former therapist, then this is all the more true.
What you do is focus your friend energy elsewhere. Work on building out alternative, robust support systems with friends who enthusiastically want to be part of your life with a sharing dynamic that goes both ways most of the time.
posted by Stacey at 6:43 PM on September 5, 2018 [4 favorites]
If she can't share her life with you because it's unethical, she's not your friend. Full stop. She is someone who may feel fondly about you, or maybe she's afraid of being sued by you, but that's not friendship.
For your sake and hers, please let this relationship drop.
posted by donnagirl at 9:16 AM on September 7, 2018 [6 favorites]
For your sake and hers, please let this relationship drop.
posted by donnagirl at 9:16 AM on September 7, 2018 [6 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
You fundamentally cannot ask people to give you more than they can give you even if you feel like they possibly maybe could give you it. Knowing that is a step away from bad stuff towards better stuff.
posted by holgate at 9:29 PM on September 4, 2018 [4 favorites]