How do I get this guy to change the way he kisses?
August 24, 2018 11:58 PM   Subscribe

I am in a new relationship with a very nice man who is otherwise a great kisser, but he keeps doing this probing thing with his tongue (like, making it really firm and pointy and wandering around) and I'm at a loss for what to say. Probably I'm expected to do the same and do that tongue-outside-our-mouths writhing around but that is just not for me. At all. The ordinary tongue involvement in the ordinary kissing is really nice and normal and enjoyable. Help.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (11 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
Let him know you don’t like it (though you enjoy kissing him otherwise) and ask him to stop?
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 12:41 AM on August 25, 2018 [2 favorites]

You need to talk to him and make your preferences clear.

And you're lucky, this is a great, low-stakes way to figure out how he will respond when you express a preference / want him to do something differently. Does he start arguing with you about it? Does he ignore your wishes? Run in the opposite direction.
posted by peacheater at 2:56 AM on August 25, 2018 [26 favorites]

Yes, take this as the opportunity it is to set precedence on how to talk about physical things so when you get up to more intimate activities you can communicate in the same fashion. And if he balks or doesn't get it then you know to get out much sooner.

What you're written here is a great description, I think. I immediately knew just what you were talking about. Bring it up during a low key day, like when you're just hanging and aren't having a complicated planned date or attending an event or whatever. The "compliment sandwich" is probably a good approach, start with how you're into him, then say there's a thing you're not into that he does do, though, describe the thing and ask him to stop, then if it feels like a kissing moment you can suggest you try it out without the stabby tongue thing, if it doesn't feel like a kissing moment you can tell him that he makes you feel really great and that you're glad you can trust him with stuff like that.
posted by Mizu at 3:40 AM on August 25, 2018 [3 favorites]

You can pull back when he starts to do that, maybe he will kiss your neck or you will kiss his, and then resume kissing the way you prefer, and repeat, and if that doesn't work you can say something like "I love kissing like this" (in between kissing the way you prefer). He will get the message and to me that's a part of figuring out how to make out and to be expected early on.
posted by lafemma at 4:33 AM on August 25, 2018 [3 favorites]

Great suggestions so far — I think what I’d do is say, “Can I show you a way of kissing that I really like?” and then show/tell what you prefer. That is probably too subtle for some people but you could start there.
posted by trillian at 8:20 AM on August 25, 2018 [5 favorites]

I agree with others above. I've had to ask someone to stop wearing a strong cologne after the first date (otherwise I wouldn't have gone on a second one), and he was very understanding and appreciative that I brought it up. And he stopped wearing it and it was lovely.

I first tried to soften it by saying/texting: Can I ask you something? I like it when others have started difficult conversations with a soft question like this-- it prepares the person to be ready to hear something. And it peaks their curiosity to be really alert to what you're going to say next. Then usually in the seconds that it takes for you to tell them what you actually want to say, they've already gone to a totally crazy scenario in their head or worse case scenario thing that will soften the blow of the actual thing you want to talk about.

So, it's not about kissing, but just wanted to share an experience with bringing something awkward and intimate up to a new person. Good luck!
posted by jj's.mama at 9:50 AM on August 25, 2018

Take charge for a minute and show him how you like to be kissed by kissing him in the way you like !
posted by Mistress at 12:12 PM on August 25, 2018 [1 favorite]

"Sweetie, I don't enjoy the pokey tongue thing you do when we're kissing. I really love all the other parts of our kissing, and I haven't said anything until now because I wanted to give myself a chance to try it out. But I just don't like it, so could you please stop doing it?"

Say it like it's no big deal, because for any reasonable person, there might be a little sting and then immediate appreciation for this important information about how to be a good partner to you. Any strongly angry or defensive or similar reaction will tell you an enormously important thing about who this person is and whether you want to continue dating him.
posted by spindrifter at 1:59 PM on August 25, 2018 [9 favorites]

Your opinions are valid and your request is reasonable. Your partner's response to your request should also be reasonable. If it is not, his kissing technique is not his only problem.
posted by Faint of Butt at 3:22 PM on August 25, 2018 [3 favorites]

"So, I really enjoy your kissing. My favorite things you do are A, B and C. If I had to choose a least favorite thing it would be D. More A, B, and C please!"
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:43 PM on August 25, 2018

Being told explicitly what my partners prefer in our sexual relations is amazing, I think dudes in general are probably more amenable to being given clear instructions than you might think. I'd always rather skip to doing things how they like them rather than having to suss it out through trial and error -- especially since the pressures in these kinds of activities will send mixed signals.
posted by GoblinHoney at 3:53 PM on August 27, 2018

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