I have no chill
August 16, 2018 5:33 AM   Subscribe

I'm casually seeing a guy. It's fun. How do I keep it fun without overthinking it?

This isn't a question about catching feelings, don't worry.

Been seeing a guy, he's a friend and we recently started being FWB. He's getting over a major breakup and I'm not looking for a serious relationship right now so this is just some fun sexy times with no expectation of anything more at the moment.

My question is - with the caveat that I know there isn't necessarily a universal answer for this - how often is too often to see each other? How often is too often to ask to see him? Truthfully, I wouldn't mind seeing him every day - he's fun to talk to and to be perfectly frank this is the best sex of my life and I want as much of it as I can get. But for a NSA arrangement, is wanting to see him that often expecting too much? I don't want to be the woman who is sending a "R U up" text everyday and looking desperate.

My second question is related to that last point - as of now both he and I have been issuing requests to see each other roughly equally. How do I keep that balance? Is it necessary to do so? Is it bad if I'm the one who's asking more frequently to see him? I don't want to look like a crazy sex addict (I swear I am not), or like I'm secretly trying to make him my boyfriend (I assure you that is not my agenda) but I also want to be sure that I'm not falling into some gross patriarchal thinking whereby I should stop asking for what I want because "men like the chase" or because it's not attractive for women to be asking for sex all the time or I should be ashamed of being a sexual person in general.

I'm sure I am overthinking this but this whole FWB thing is new to me and I don't want to overstep. The sex is amazing and I want this to continue for as long as we're both into it; I've had a shitty year and he not only makes my toes curl but he also makes me laugh a lot too. It's fun, it's easy, it's loose, it doesn't demand that much from me emotionally, and I don't want to do anything to sabotage that.

Advice would be much appreciated, thank you.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (14 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite

Oh golly, this sort of looks like a case of the OP doth protest too much, methinks. From your question this does not seem casual at all to you and you really do want more out of this. Or I could be reading this entire thing wrong, in which case, contact him when you feel like it and he'll tell you if he can't hang out just like you would with anyone else.

But I strongly suggest you to re-read your question because from your phrasing, I strongly suspect you do want something more.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 5:48 AM on August 16, 2018 [25 favorites]

"Best sex of my life... want as much of it as I can get... wouldn't mind seeing him every day... makes me laugh a lot... sex is amazing... doesn't demand that much from me emotionally...". Just out of interest, how would you describe someone you did want a relationship with if this is what you're getting in your fwb arrangement?

All that said, and I'm not being flippant, if you are really sure that you're not catching feelings, I'd contact him when you want and see what happens. Don't go looking for issues in his response time or how often he texts or if he says 'can't tonight'. As you said, don't overthink it. Feel it out as you go. You're in that early stage and from the sound of it, "casual" sex is newish to both of you. Enjoy the chemistry. It's rare and should be savoured.
posted by humuhumu at 6:13 AM on August 16, 2018 [12 favorites]

Listen to this song by Vulfpeck on the topic:
Business Casual
posted by SaltySalticid at 6:20 AM on August 16, 2018

Dr. Nerdlove's got you covered.
posted by foxjacket at 6:30 AM on August 16, 2018 [2 favorites]

If you see each other daily it will eventually have to settle down because no one has time for daily sexy meet-ups into perpetuity, you'll be neglecting friends, family, errands, and you time. I think one, maybe two times a week is reasonable for a truly casual relationship. 2-3x a week regularly is a relationship.
posted by lafemma at 6:35 AM on August 16, 2018 [11 favorites]

You clearly already "caught" feelings. So your question is moot. Proceed with caution or ask if this person is interested in seeing where things go beyond just friends who fuck.
posted by masquesoporfavor at 6:59 AM on August 16, 2018 [11 favorites]

Your overthinking of this suggests that you care much more than you are willing to admit.
posted by amro at 7:28 AM on August 16, 2018 [2 favorites]

If you want to see him every day, contact him every day. I think you think that's a risk. It might scare him off and you might be right.

It's not about the patriarchy and it's not about the chase. It's about what humans find attractive in other humans. People tend to be interested in people who have lives -- activities, interests, hobbies and friends other than their love interest. If you want to use that information and let him "chase" you a bit, go for it.
posted by loveandhappiness at 7:41 AM on August 16, 2018 [3 favorites]

Years ago I had a FWB. We got together for sex 2 or 3 times a week and texted multiple times everyday. The sex was great and the text conversations were funny, interesting and hot. We were both dating others during this time and were open with each other that, while we liked each other, we were very much not a good match for a full-on relationship. After a year and a half, he started dating his now-wife and we ended the sexual part of our friendship. There was no drama or broken hearts.

So my advice would be to be as honest with yourselves and each other as possible and then go from there. See each other as often as you want. Check in with each other to make sure all is well. And enjoy! A good FWB relationship is a special thing.
posted by mcduff at 7:49 AM on August 16, 2018 [3 favorites]

The problem with these so chill, so casual, no drama situations where you see each other all the time is that...it starts to look an awful lot like a relationship, and it can be hard to be in a relationship in all but name, and you often get one party feeling shitty about it and then castigating themselves for being "unchill."

"Catching feelings" from someone you hang out and sleep with regularly isn't crazy. Be honest with yourself about what you want here.
posted by noxperpetua at 8:47 AM on August 16, 2018 [12 favorites]

From the OP:
Thanks everyone! foxjacket, the Dr Nerdlove article was perfect and super helpful.

Even if I wanted to be in a serious relationship right now, this guy is not suitable boyfriend/partner material for a number of reasons that I won't get into here to keep this anonymous. A real relationship to me would involve a level of trust/intimacy/emotional investment in each other that is not what's happening here. I was in a long relationship prior to this that I ended two years ago and have purposely been alone all this time to work on myself before trying to get into another relationship. Which was all well and good but sex is fun and I missed having it, so I think I'm just a tad bit too excited to be having regular sexytimes again. I'll cool it. The Dr Nerdlove advice is exactly what I needed.

Thanks again everyone!
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 8:49 AM on August 16, 2018 [2 favorites]

Agreeing with others that it is clear, if you're asking this question, that you already see him as more than fwb.

Personally, I can't do fwb because I inevitably 'catch feelings' for the person I'm with.
posted by thereader at 12:32 PM on August 16, 2018

I'm taking you at your word. You want to decrease attachment but keep the nice sexy intimacy you have. Try some of these:

+ see him less
+ don't sleep over, or peace out early in AM
+ don't go on dates
+ don't talk about your deep past or future hopes and dreams. stay in the present
+ don't hang out with his friends or fam
+ don't help him with personal problems
+ texting is for sexting and making arrangements. don't overthink your words. read, reply, move on.
+ be up front if wants/needs/feelings change

Wow that's pretty restrictive huh? The only one of these I hew to with my FWB is "don't meet her kids." I see her 2-4x a week and sleep over, and we go on dates all the damn time. Do whatever you want, just pull back a bit if feels get too thick. And don't see him so often your social/dating life suffers! He's a sweet addition and a friendly bookmark, not an end unto himself. You got this.
posted by fritillary at 1:43 PM on August 16, 2018 [10 favorites]

- Don't sleep over, don't have long talks about your feelings, don't go out on dates, don't bring him to meet your friends, don't look into each others' eyes.

Honestly I don't understand how this could work without one person catching feelings. The hormones that get secreted after you have an orgasm are the exact same hormones that create attachment (ie: oxytocin). It's not something we as humans have control over, it's just chemical. It's not about personality, chillness, confidence, self-control, or anything.
posted by winterportage at 10:46 AM on August 17, 2018

« Older Great communication keeping relationship alive...   |   What to do in SF this Saturday? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.