How do I get over crushing post-fun blues?
July 31, 2018 10:04 AM Subscribe
Coming back from vacation or an extended period of Fun is absolutely crushing. I am angry, sad, mentally unfocused (expected), and despondent. It makes me cry (no, seriously) and sometimes I do ill-advised things (like purchases) to help ease the pain. I am not unhappy in my everyday life, but what I experience post-vacation makes me never want to have fun again.
Does anyone else feel this way? How do you cope? I am in Week 2 and feel empty.
Definitely an ideal time to start planning your next getaway. Also, appreciate the good bits about being home - pets, friends, family, home comforts/facilities, theatre, local nightlife. Normal life should be fun too!
posted by JonB at 10:17 AM on July 31, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by JonB at 10:17 AM on July 31, 2018 [2 favorites]
I have had the post vacation / post fun thing blues for as long as I can remember. I become really sad and have been known to cry after I part with friends / family. The best solution for me is to just get busy doing other awesome things / helping people / getting outside my own head.
posted by jasondigitized at 10:18 AM on July 31, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by jasondigitized at 10:18 AM on July 31, 2018 [1 favorite]
This is going to sound very millennial but I do something instagrammable. Seriously. Sometimes my budget can only a ice cream cone with a friend and a trip to the library but it still counts! It helps remind me that there are fun things to do at home.
posted by raccoon409 at 10:23 AM on July 31, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by raccoon409 at 10:23 AM on July 31, 2018 [2 favorites]
This is normal. Look up “post con depression” for a related phenomenon that actually has a name, thus enabling people to talk about how they deal with it: you just went to a convention for your particular Thing, it was intense, you had fun with people you rarely see, and now here you are back at your stupid job staring at the same stupid never-ending stuff with the same stupid co-workers. It’s gonna cause a lot of mental whiplash!
posted by egypturnash at 10:36 AM on July 31, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by egypturnash at 10:36 AM on July 31, 2018 [4 favorites]
Do you have a pet? No matter how much fun I have on vacation I’m always happy to come home to my dog.
posted by outfielder at 11:14 AM on July 31, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by outfielder at 11:14 AM on July 31, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: re: post-con depression... I am aware of that, yes, and I've experienced it. However, I've (inappropriately?) dismissed it because sometimes my situation can involve a weekend with a small group of friends A "con" to me is a much bigger event. (For what it's worth, I used to travel in SF Fandom.)
In the most recent example, I visited with some family members. It's a portion of my family that I am most comfortable with and I had one of the best times I've had in a long, long time. It was only 1.5 days. Since then, I have felt desperate to get back there and I keep trying to prolong the feeling. I realize that I can't and it's been crushing. I am afraid of losing touch with the people which is an unfounded fear. I am also afraid they'll forget me.
FWIW: I suffer from depression. I am under care and have been for a long time. I wonder, however, if I feel it more strongly that others due to that.
posted by tcv at 11:18 AM on July 31, 2018 [1 favorite]
In the most recent example, I visited with some family members. It's a portion of my family that I am most comfortable with and I had one of the best times I've had in a long, long time. It was only 1.5 days. Since then, I have felt desperate to get back there and I keep trying to prolong the feeling. I realize that I can't and it's been crushing. I am afraid of losing touch with the people which is an unfounded fear. I am also afraid they'll forget me.
FWIW: I suffer from depression. I am under care and have been for a long time. I wonder, however, if I feel it more strongly that others due to that.
posted by tcv at 11:18 AM on July 31, 2018 [1 favorite]
One thing that helps me a lot with this is to schedule a couple of 'decompression days' at the end of my holidays. There is a known need for this - look at all the decompression parties after Burning Man! For me what these days look like is this:
Before I go away on vacation at all, I spend a little time getting my space ready for my return. Some basic cleaning - swept floors, dishes put away, enough clean towels to have an immediate shower when I come home. I get back from my vacation on Friday or Saturday, even though I don't need to be at work until Monday. I do only the most basic unpacking, then I act as if I'm still on holiday and I continue to do fun things, just fun things that are close to home. I'll go downtown and check out a museum and meet a friend for doughnuts. I'll go for a long hike in the canyons with my dog. I don't immediately get right back into the old routine of 'clean, cook, shop, work, dullllll'. It really, really helps to ease myself back in. Then come Monday I've transitioned slightly more gently and I can bear to go in to work again.
posted by DSime at 11:24 AM on July 31, 2018 [15 favorites]
Before I go away on vacation at all, I spend a little time getting my space ready for my return. Some basic cleaning - swept floors, dishes put away, enough clean towels to have an immediate shower when I come home. I get back from my vacation on Friday or Saturday, even though I don't need to be at work until Monday. I do only the most basic unpacking, then I act as if I'm still on holiday and I continue to do fun things, just fun things that are close to home. I'll go downtown and check out a museum and meet a friend for doughnuts. I'll go for a long hike in the canyons with my dog. I don't immediately get right back into the old routine of 'clean, cook, shop, work, dullllll'. It really, really helps to ease myself back in. Then come Monday I've transitioned slightly more gently and I can bear to go in to work again.
posted by DSime at 11:24 AM on July 31, 2018 [15 favorites]
I do think that the depth of your post-trip grief can be attributed to your depression because these things sound like depressed brain telling you shitty things: I am afraid of losing touch with the people which is an unfounded fear. I am also afraid they'll forget me. Maybe work with your therapist about some things you can do to address this specific feature of your depression.
In addition to making your living space a delight to come back to (clean and tidy, some treats in the freezer/cupboard, etc. I like to also plan some activities with friends right after - a dinner, trip to museum, or some other fun get together. I also like to buy myself some fresh flowers.
posted by quince at 12:25 PM on July 31, 2018 [1 favorite]
In addition to making your living space a delight to come back to (clean and tidy, some treats in the freezer/cupboard, etc. I like to also plan some activities with friends right after - a dinner, trip to museum, or some other fun get together. I also like to buy myself some fresh flowers.
posted by quince at 12:25 PM on July 31, 2018 [1 favorite]
The only reason that I'm popping in here is that I think that based on what you feel right now may be the direction you could go (work with me, here...).
So based on your feedback, it doesn't sound like you miss the novelty, etc., of vacations but the people per your comment here: "...I visited with some family members. It's a portion of my family that I am most comfortable with and I had one of the best times I've had in a long, long time. It was only 1.5 days. Since then, I have felt desperate to get back there ...."
So these are things that I've seen friends do, to things that I've tried to do improve that "God I miss and need these pple feeling and need them here around me right now". These aren't meant to be prescriptive, just things that you could think about or try. Some of these require time or other resources, but if you have any of these available, you could use it to address the situation and your future post vacay blues may not be as severe:
-What about where you live and work now? Do you have people around you that you feel strongly for? (and if not, can you work on making those types of connections or making any stronger?) Doing things with these types of connections post vacay can help.
-You mention that you are worried about family forgetting you, and my assumption is that this can apply if the family members are very young. I do have a friend who has made it a high priority to be highly involved in the lives of his nephews and nieces, so over the years, he has done everything from talk to them each individually on Skype weekly to fly them up for short and longer vacations with him when they got older. I think that these things are rare in our society, and don't happen randomly, and are not likely to happen unless someone puts a lot of work into it (and it is important to him, so he does, and it works for him).
-If the vacation/time to see these people is important, is there anything you could do to change in your life to get closer and/or have more time? Some jobs have very generous vacation times. Or is there any way you can live closer, etc.? This might not be an immediately fix, but could it be a year or so down the road?
-Are your fears about them forgetting you, etc. rational? Only you know the answer to the question (there are extreme cases that could make those conditions apply), but if it is not rational, why not make a small ... letter, gift, project for one of them or all of them? Something that could be a memento from the vacation that everyone could use to remember it? (or later if it might exacerbate how you feel right now).
-You could also just plan the next trip out with them, and schedule as many as possible (and that fit in with vacation time) that meet that need to be with the people you value.
I think it is a good question to ask / I don't think a lot of people ask this question / and there might be ways to get to what you want.
Good luck.
posted by Wolfster at 12:50 PM on July 31, 2018 [3 favorites]
So based on your feedback, it doesn't sound like you miss the novelty, etc., of vacations but the people per your comment here: "...I visited with some family members. It's a portion of my family that I am most comfortable with and I had one of the best times I've had in a long, long time. It was only 1.5 days. Since then, I have felt desperate to get back there ...."
So these are things that I've seen friends do, to things that I've tried to do improve that "God I miss and need these pple feeling and need them here around me right now". These aren't meant to be prescriptive, just things that you could think about or try. Some of these require time or other resources, but if you have any of these available, you could use it to address the situation and your future post vacay blues may not be as severe:
-What about where you live and work now? Do you have people around you that you feel strongly for? (and if not, can you work on making those types of connections or making any stronger?) Doing things with these types of connections post vacay can help.
-You mention that you are worried about family forgetting you, and my assumption is that this can apply if the family members are very young. I do have a friend who has made it a high priority to be highly involved in the lives of his nephews and nieces, so over the years, he has done everything from talk to them each individually on Skype weekly to fly them up for short and longer vacations with him when they got older. I think that these things are rare in our society, and don't happen randomly, and are not likely to happen unless someone puts a lot of work into it (and it is important to him, so he does, and it works for him).
-If the vacation/time to see these people is important, is there anything you could do to change in your life to get closer and/or have more time? Some jobs have very generous vacation times. Or is there any way you can live closer, etc.? This might not be an immediately fix, but could it be a year or so down the road?
-Are your fears about them forgetting you, etc. rational? Only you know the answer to the question (there are extreme cases that could make those conditions apply), but if it is not rational, why not make a small ... letter, gift, project for one of them or all of them? Something that could be a memento from the vacation that everyone could use to remember it? (or later if it might exacerbate how you feel right now).
-You could also just plan the next trip out with them, and schedule as many as possible (and that fit in with vacation time) that meet that need to be with the people you value.
I think it is a good question to ask / I don't think a lot of people ask this question / and there might be ways to get to what you want.
Good luck.
posted by Wolfster at 12:50 PM on July 31, 2018 [3 favorites]
Yes that does sound a lot more severe than the usual readjustment to working life after a break etc. Perhaps you are seeing breaks as escapism - something other than your day to day existence instead of part of it? Try to find joy in every day - home or away. (sorry this is trite and depression probably plays a big part so continue to work on that too, good luck - in the past I've fell into patterns of wanting to be elsewhere and it took a while to become more present and make every minute count etc)
posted by JonB at 3:15 PM on July 31, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by JonB at 3:15 PM on July 31, 2018 [1 favorite]
Seconding the suggestion which won’t help this time around, but for the future: schedule as many days as possible between Fun Thing and your return to work - the decompression of just holing up around the house is necessary. I came back from a 6-week trip to Europe recently, and it backed onto a two-week winter school holiday (I’m a teacher). I was fresh as a goddamn daisy went I returned.
Not sure about your specific example - it appears as a pretty huge reaction to 36 hours away. Perhaps starting to list ideas for your next catch up - I know many people who start planning their next getaway before the one they’re currently on is even over.
posted by chronic sublime at 4:47 AM on August 1, 2018
Not sure about your specific example - it appears as a pretty huge reaction to 36 hours away. Perhaps starting to list ideas for your next catch up - I know many people who start planning their next getaway before the one they’re currently on is even over.
posted by chronic sublime at 4:47 AM on August 1, 2018
Response by poster: I've had a lot of time to think about the answers here and I appreciate all of them.
Naturally, I try to keep the detail short so as to not overwhelm anyone. However, I think some further information may help.
While it is true that I think I'm primarily triggered by a short, 3-day vacation with some of the family in which I had the best time I've had in a long, long time, it came on the heels of another vacation that happened three days previous which was about five days. That vacation was also with family members, but not the same ones. The second group is one in which I feel the most comfortable. It really comes down to personalities. The second group fits my personality better than the others in some ways.
I have been talking about this in therapy and some of the things I'm feeling is triggering earlier, unsolved issues. It's probably ill-advised to explain them here, but I'll try in the hopes of helping someone else. (Yes, this is abridged. MeFi Mail is more appropriate if you want more detail.)
I had a fairly tumultuous childhood in which I couldn't count on relationship stability. One of those was with a family member who should have been the most important figure, but I couldn't count on any relationship and came to expect that every one would fail. Many relationships did and most of them were for reasons I still don't understand and can't resolve. What's more, some of those relationships were ones in which the other person became something of a tormentor. They knew this was an issue and they would offer friendship and then pull it back. This happened over my earliest years up through my 20s. It's a long, long trauma.
With regard to the second group, I love each and every one of them. When we all dispersed, I become overly concerned that something was going to happen and the relationships would end. At the most superficial end of this wellspring of thought, I worried that if I wasn't around them enough they would all forget about me or would realize that I'm not worth them reciprocating any more.
I began to work hard to try to keep them in my good graces—sending jokes, continuing conversations, etc.—and every time I didn't get a response quickly enough I'd sink deeply into despair. I was trying so hard to make sure that the way they felt about me on the trip would continue post-trip. When I couldn't do that, I started to panic.
Now, I'm old enough to know when to quit and old enough to know when I can't achieve the impossible and that some things cannot be controlled. What I'm still not so good at is arresting thoughts of expecting the worst to happen. I try to change my thoughts, to "mentalize" with more rational thoughts, but the worry is so strong, the despair so deep that the relief I feel can be measured in minutes.
In the end, this situation is a lot more nuanced then trying to get over vacations. I don't think I truly understood that until I wrote the question and spoke with others. As I think back on vacations long past, I can see how these issues are triggered in most cases. That's not to say that the advice here is wrong. Most of the things people have offered work very well for me. I don't think they can fully fit with the specific issues, but they're all usable.
Thank you all.
posted by tcv at 10:30 AM on August 2, 2018
Naturally, I try to keep the detail short so as to not overwhelm anyone. However, I think some further information may help.
While it is true that I think I'm primarily triggered by a short, 3-day vacation with some of the family in which I had the best time I've had in a long, long time, it came on the heels of another vacation that happened three days previous which was about five days. That vacation was also with family members, but not the same ones. The second group is one in which I feel the most comfortable. It really comes down to personalities. The second group fits my personality better than the others in some ways.
I have been talking about this in therapy and some of the things I'm feeling is triggering earlier, unsolved issues. It's probably ill-advised to explain them here, but I'll try in the hopes of helping someone else. (Yes, this is abridged. MeFi Mail is more appropriate if you want more detail.)
I had a fairly tumultuous childhood in which I couldn't count on relationship stability. One of those was with a family member who should have been the most important figure, but I couldn't count on any relationship and came to expect that every one would fail. Many relationships did and most of them were for reasons I still don't understand and can't resolve. What's more, some of those relationships were ones in which the other person became something of a tormentor. They knew this was an issue and they would offer friendship and then pull it back. This happened over my earliest years up through my 20s. It's a long, long trauma.
With regard to the second group, I love each and every one of them. When we all dispersed, I become overly concerned that something was going to happen and the relationships would end. At the most superficial end of this wellspring of thought, I worried that if I wasn't around them enough they would all forget about me or would realize that I'm not worth them reciprocating any more.
I began to work hard to try to keep them in my good graces—sending jokes, continuing conversations, etc.—and every time I didn't get a response quickly enough I'd sink deeply into despair. I was trying so hard to make sure that the way they felt about me on the trip would continue post-trip. When I couldn't do that, I started to panic.
Now, I'm old enough to know when to quit and old enough to know when I can't achieve the impossible and that some things cannot be controlled. What I'm still not so good at is arresting thoughts of expecting the worst to happen. I try to change my thoughts, to "mentalize" with more rational thoughts, but the worry is so strong, the despair so deep that the relief I feel can be measured in minutes.
In the end, this situation is a lot more nuanced then trying to get over vacations. I don't think I truly understood that until I wrote the question and spoke with others. As I think back on vacations long past, I can see how these issues are triggered in most cases. That's not to say that the advice here is wrong. Most of the things people have offered work very well for me. I don't think they can fully fit with the specific issues, but they're all usable.
Thank you all.
posted by tcv at 10:30 AM on August 2, 2018
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(2) I always take a lot of comfort in planning my next fun time. Post-holiday, you probably can't go away again that soon, but there's nothing stopping you from planning a meal out with friends, or some other low-level but enjoyable, yet everyday thing that can get you back into enjoying your normal life.
(2)b. I usually find that after coming back from holiday I feel more engaged if I start implementing long-planned positive changes in my life. That's when I can get back into a gym routine if I've let it slide pre-holiday, etc.
I get you. It's that holiday energy suddenly finding it has no place to go (and hence getting funnelled into purchases etc - I also find myself taking to retail therapy at such times, you're really not alone). The key is to finding positive outlets for that positive energy.
posted by Ziggy500 at 10:11 AM on July 31, 2018 [3 favorites]