Dog jealous of girlfriend
July 27, 2018 8:54 AM Subscribe
How do I get a jealous dog to warm up to new girlfriend?
About a year and a half ago I adopted a rescue dog of a mixed smaller breed. She was 6 years old at the time and had been with one person, supposedly an older lady, for all of that time. I was shown that Maggie loved playing catch, and was told that when it is time for bed, the previous owner would get in bed and then lift the covers and Maggie would crawl under and settle in for the evening. The older lady had to let the dog go because she changed living situations and could no longer care for the dog. I have no specifics - this is what I was told.
And Maggie came to stay. It took her awhile to be comfortable with me, but eventually she did the climb under the covers and seemed comfortable with me. Mostly. Occasionally when I’d interact (standard light petting) with her she would “recoil” and emit a loud whiny “Yerp” and then be very distant and standoffish. I would give her space and within a few days she would start acting normally again.
I had a girlfriend at the time Maggie came to stay, and she would be much more likely to yerp if she tried to interact. This girlfriend eventually would just talk to her and not have any kind of touching, and Maggie would ignore her. I am no longer with this girlfriend. She would do an occasional yerp to me as well during this time.
And... for the past 7 months I have been seeing a new girlfriend (NG) that I get along great with. We spend much time together and I am very much looking to see where this will go.
NG currently stays most nights at the house and is very much a dog person. She has interacted with Maggie and shown nothing but kindness and understanding.
The dynamic between NG and Maggie is that they initially warmed up to each other, slowly. They will get on well for awhile - treats, belly rubs, pets, and ear rubs.
And then Maggie yerps, and it takes awhile for Maggie to warm up again. Lately this has also including aggressive growling and attempted biting.
I have figured out a few things that increase yerp likelihood: namely, negative interaction with dog next door or disturbing or trying to touch her on her blanket on the couch (her spot).
When private closed door bedroom time occurs with NG, Maggie will scratch at the door awhile, and lately seems to give up and let us be. She will also do this if I am alone and close the door when I am trying to clean etc...
I have also noticed that Maggie hasn’t yerp’d at me at all since NG has become a fixture of the household.
Additional background: I work and NG works as well. The house clears out in the am and stays that way till I get home in the afternoon.
I also am more active with NG and a few night a week we go out. OG and I used to just sit at the house a night or two a week and other than that, I was usually home and watching tv with Maggie by my side.
I need to do something because I am not ok with growling and biting.
I guess I’m asking, how can I get Maggie to accept new girlfriend? How do I keep her from yerping? How do I keep her from biting? Anyone have any experiences with similar situations that you have or haven’t overcome? What did you try? Anything help?
Thanks for any help
About a year and a half ago I adopted a rescue dog of a mixed smaller breed. She was 6 years old at the time and had been with one person, supposedly an older lady, for all of that time. I was shown that Maggie loved playing catch, and was told that when it is time for bed, the previous owner would get in bed and then lift the covers and Maggie would crawl under and settle in for the evening. The older lady had to let the dog go because she changed living situations and could no longer care for the dog. I have no specifics - this is what I was told.
And Maggie came to stay. It took her awhile to be comfortable with me, but eventually she did the climb under the covers and seemed comfortable with me. Mostly. Occasionally when I’d interact (standard light petting) with her she would “recoil” and emit a loud whiny “Yerp” and then be very distant and standoffish. I would give her space and within a few days she would start acting normally again.
I had a girlfriend at the time Maggie came to stay, and she would be much more likely to yerp if she tried to interact. This girlfriend eventually would just talk to her and not have any kind of touching, and Maggie would ignore her. I am no longer with this girlfriend. She would do an occasional yerp to me as well during this time.
And... for the past 7 months I have been seeing a new girlfriend (NG) that I get along great with. We spend much time together and I am very much looking to see where this will go.
NG currently stays most nights at the house and is very much a dog person. She has interacted with Maggie and shown nothing but kindness and understanding.
The dynamic between NG and Maggie is that they initially warmed up to each other, slowly. They will get on well for awhile - treats, belly rubs, pets, and ear rubs.
And then Maggie yerps, and it takes awhile for Maggie to warm up again. Lately this has also including aggressive growling and attempted biting.
I have figured out a few things that increase yerp likelihood: namely, negative interaction with dog next door or disturbing or trying to touch her on her blanket on the couch (her spot).
When private closed door bedroom time occurs with NG, Maggie will scratch at the door awhile, and lately seems to give up and let us be. She will also do this if I am alone and close the door when I am trying to clean etc...
I have also noticed that Maggie hasn’t yerp’d at me at all since NG has become a fixture of the household.
Additional background: I work and NG works as well. The house clears out in the am and stays that way till I get home in the afternoon.
I also am more active with NG and a few night a week we go out. OG and I used to just sit at the house a night or two a week and other than that, I was usually home and watching tv with Maggie by my side.
I need to do something because I am not ok with growling and biting.
I guess I’m asking, how can I get Maggie to accept new girlfriend? How do I keep her from yerping? How do I keep her from biting? Anyone have any experiences with similar situations that you have or haven’t overcome? What did you try? Anything help?
Thanks for any help
I suspect Maggie is trying to establish that she is higher in the household hierarchy than NG is. I went through this with my sister's rescue St. Bernard, which was a bit unsettling. Suggest that NG do some training work with Maggie: basic sits and downs, with lots of treats, maybe some fetch, or whatever. Things to emphasize that NG is also someone who can tell Maggie what to do, but who also is a dispenser of treats.
NG should not push Maggie's comfort level w/rt pets and snuggling, but maybe NG can be the one to feed Maggie for a while. Tell Maggie to sit, stay, put the food down, then release her. Maggie will learn that NG is the source of good things, and is in charge.
If that doesn't work, I suggest talking to a reputable dog trainer; this is not an unusual thing and there are techniques to help deal with it.
posted by suelac at 9:28 AM on July 27, 2018 [4 favorites]
NG should not push Maggie's comfort level w/rt pets and snuggling, but maybe NG can be the one to feed Maggie for a while. Tell Maggie to sit, stay, put the food down, then release her. Maggie will learn that NG is the source of good things, and is in charge.
If that doesn't work, I suggest talking to a reputable dog trainer; this is not an unusual thing and there are techniques to help deal with it.
posted by suelac at 9:28 AM on July 27, 2018 [4 favorites]
The "yerps" that take a few days to calm down from seem weird to me. Does this happen when you're petting the same area? Could there be a pinched nerve or sore area that gets aggravated when you touch it? My dog gets grumpy sometimes (don't we all?) but it doesn't take days to snap out of it. Might be worth it to track when this happens and where you're petting to give to a vet. Pain can make dogs aggressive.
To address your actual question - My dog is very much "mine" and prefers to hang out with me pretty much all the time. My husband has had to make a point to spend one-on-one time doing the dog's favorite things so that she likes spending time with him too. He goes on walks with the dog by himself, he has a special ball that they play with only when I'm not around. The dog gets a treat every time he comes home from work. If you make NG's appearance in the house a fun event, Maggie will probably come around.
posted by little king trashmouth at 9:56 AM on July 27, 2018 [3 favorites]
To address your actual question - My dog is very much "mine" and prefers to hang out with me pretty much all the time. My husband has had to make a point to spend one-on-one time doing the dog's favorite things so that she likes spending time with him too. He goes on walks with the dog by himself, he has a special ball that they play with only when I'm not around. The dog gets a treat every time he comes home from work. If you make NG's appearance in the house a fun event, Maggie will probably come around.
posted by little king trashmouth at 9:56 AM on July 27, 2018 [3 favorites]
My immediate thought was also physical pain from a sore spot. Dogs (IME) generally don't hold emotional grudges the way people do, or if they do, they don't cycle on this kind of timeframe. It's either forgotten quickly or intrinsic dislike.
posted by supercres at 10:06 AM on July 27, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by supercres at 10:06 AM on July 27, 2018 [3 favorites]
Another vote for checking with a vet to see if Maggie may be in actual pain. Then definitely letting NG do some training with Maggie, even if its only the bare minimum feeding her dinner but making her sit and stay before she receives it (this will work faster if Maggie is a food motivated dog).
posted by WalkerWestridge at 10:27 AM on July 27, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by WalkerWestridge at 10:27 AM on July 27, 2018 [2 favorites]
Vet, definitely. The reaction happens when she is a bit more stressed, so if she has a sensitive area, the stress plus discomfort could push her over into a cry.
Get Maggie a bed for your bedroom and teach her to sleep in it. Maggie sounds like my Jack Russell Terrier; once he's asleep, if I move around a lot, he may reflexively growl. I tell him to cut it out. No biting, so no making him leave the bed.
Maggie has now bonded with you and does not want to share. I would suggest New GF be less trying to be friends and more Maggie, you need to adapt to me. She can take Maggie for walks on leash, teach her a new trick - shake is easy. Maybe bring a new ball and be the only one who throws it, and it goes back in her purse after play time. definitely should be feeding Maggie. Treats should be earned.
You're new here, but you are still subject to the requirement to post a picture of your dog. C'mon, I need a pooch pic.
posted by theora55 at 10:56 AM on July 27, 2018 [4 favorites]
Get Maggie a bed for your bedroom and teach her to sleep in it. Maggie sounds like my Jack Russell Terrier; once he's asleep, if I move around a lot, he may reflexively growl. I tell him to cut it out. No biting, so no making him leave the bed.
Maggie has now bonded with you and does not want to share. I would suggest New GF be less trying to be friends and more Maggie, you need to adapt to me. She can take Maggie for walks on leash, teach her a new trick - shake is easy. Maybe bring a new ball and be the only one who throws it, and it goes back in her purse after play time. definitely should be feeding Maggie. Treats should be earned.
You're new here, but you are still subject to the requirement to post a picture of your dog. C'mon, I need a pooch pic.
posted by theora55 at 10:56 AM on July 27, 2018 [4 favorites]
If she reacts negatively towards being touched when she is resting (whether in your bed, on a blanket, or on the couch), she could be in pain OR this could be either resource guarding (the resource being her bed) or sleep aggression (dogs feel very vulnerable when sleeping and react negatively towards being woken up).
If she hasn't been to the vet for more than a year, a vet visit is a good first step. After she has a clean bill of health, you can work on the resource guarding/sleep aggression. Otherwise the solution for resource guarding and sleep aggression is pretty similar. Dogs who are resting shouldn't be touched, even if you need them to move. Unfortunately this means that she shouldn't sleep in your bed anymore. Work on verbal commands for "off" and "go to bed" where her bed is a comfy spot that is all her own.
posted by muddgirl at 11:05 AM on July 27, 2018 [2 favorites]
If she hasn't been to the vet for more than a year, a vet visit is a good first step. After she has a clean bill of health, you can work on the resource guarding/sleep aggression. Otherwise the solution for resource guarding and sleep aggression is pretty similar. Dogs who are resting shouldn't be touched, even if you need them to move. Unfortunately this means that she shouldn't sleep in your bed anymore. Work on verbal commands for "off" and "go to bed" where her bed is a comfy spot that is all her own.
posted by muddgirl at 11:05 AM on July 27, 2018 [2 favorites]
Checking for an ear infection would be my first guess if the yerp happens when ear rubs are occurring. Quiet possibly your gf pats in a different spot or more aggressively than you do I'd get a vet healthy check. This would be leading to later aggression as to the dogs mind your gf is hurting her. If given the all clear then. . .
You need to pack walk. You need to go for walks the three of you every single day. You need to go to new fun environments together your dog needs to realize this is a new pack member. Let your gf hold the lead when you go on your fun & interesting pack walks. Hiking is great for this too.
From now on your gf is the bringer of all the good things. She gives the high value treats, she feeds her dinner (if she's only their part time then when she's there she feeds meals to the dog, try & make the meals she feeds special with the addition of a treat or 2 in there).
Also look at maybe getting gf & your dog to go do some training classes together, not because I think either of them need the training so much as they need to do things alone the two of them so they learn to trust each other. You can always go sit & watch. Agility classes are great for this.
When you're shutting the bedroom door from some people alone time, give your dog a super high value kong stuffed with treats they only get then. We had a dog that hated being separated even when we wanted sexy times. He so loves getting his special treat that if we even kiss extra passionately now he takes it as a cue & is waiting excitedly by the door for his kong stuffed with peanut butter.
Also treats don't have to be food, does your dog have a game like ball or frisbee well from now on that's the one that only your gf plays with them with.
Seriously though if she's yelping suddenly then pain is involved that is leading to fear aggression get a vet check.
posted by wwax at 11:37 AM on July 27, 2018 [2 favorites]
You need to pack walk. You need to go for walks the three of you every single day. You need to go to new fun environments together your dog needs to realize this is a new pack member. Let your gf hold the lead when you go on your fun & interesting pack walks. Hiking is great for this too.
From now on your gf is the bringer of all the good things. She gives the high value treats, she feeds her dinner (if she's only their part time then when she's there she feeds meals to the dog, try & make the meals she feeds special with the addition of a treat or 2 in there).
Also look at maybe getting gf & your dog to go do some training classes together, not because I think either of them need the training so much as they need to do things alone the two of them so they learn to trust each other. You can always go sit & watch. Agility classes are great for this.
When you're shutting the bedroom door from some people alone time, give your dog a super high value kong stuffed with treats they only get then. We had a dog that hated being separated even when we wanted sexy times. He so loves getting his special treat that if we even kiss extra passionately now he takes it as a cue & is waiting excitedly by the door for his kong stuffed with peanut butter.
Also treats don't have to be food, does your dog have a game like ball or frisbee well from now on that's the one that only your gf plays with them with.
Seriously though if she's yelping suddenly then pain is involved that is leading to fear aggression get a vet check.
posted by wwax at 11:37 AM on July 27, 2018 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I thank you all for your answers!
I have an appointment at the vet to see if Maggie does have any medical issues. Until we get a report from the vet we are watching our contact with her and have found that keeping away from her ears seems to keep everything mellow and happy. We have been working the treats and have been working on training, although I think she is training us as much as we are training her. I got a Kong toy and am anxious to see how she reacts to it. That is on the schedule for tomorrow.
I am sorry but I have no way of posting a pic of Maggie at the moment, otherwise I would.
posted by kabong the wiser at 8:34 PM on July 28, 2018 [3 favorites]
I have an appointment at the vet to see if Maggie does have any medical issues. Until we get a report from the vet we are watching our contact with her and have found that keeping away from her ears seems to keep everything mellow and happy. We have been working the treats and have been working on training, although I think she is training us as much as we are training her. I got a Kong toy and am anxious to see how she reacts to it. That is on the schedule for tomorrow.
I am sorry but I have no way of posting a pic of Maggie at the moment, otherwise I would.
posted by kabong the wiser at 8:34 PM on July 28, 2018 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: An update: Maggie’s vet visit went well. She does not seem in pain in any way and was given a clean bill of health.
Maggie now has her own bed, and will go and sleep there. The first few times I had to get insistent, but now she will go lay down in “her bed” when asked.
NGF has had mostly positive interactions, mainly by letting Maggie chose when she wants to interact. NGF also has been playin catch (a tennis ball chunker stick - Maggie loves to play catch!) with Maggie, although sometimes Maggie will bring the ball back to me instead of NGF. She also gives Maggie treats and feeds her about half the time.
I have started to leave the radio on when leaving the house for the day and it seems to be having a positive effect. Today I put the tv on, and we will see how that does.
So far, other than a bit of “look away” when we leave, she seems happier and has “yerp’d” only a time or two. When NGF comes over, maggie greets her enthusiastically with licks and jumping and “requests for rubs n hugs”.
I still don’t have a way to post pics... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Again, thanks for all the suggestions.
posted by kabong the wiser at 4:52 AM on August 15, 2018 [2 favorites]
Maggie now has her own bed, and will go and sleep there. The first few times I had to get insistent, but now she will go lay down in “her bed” when asked.
NGF has had mostly positive interactions, mainly by letting Maggie chose when she wants to interact. NGF also has been playin catch (a tennis ball chunker stick - Maggie loves to play catch!) with Maggie, although sometimes Maggie will bring the ball back to me instead of NGF. She also gives Maggie treats and feeds her about half the time.
I have started to leave the radio on when leaving the house for the day and it seems to be having a positive effect. Today I put the tv on, and we will see how that does.
So far, other than a bit of “look away” when we leave, she seems happier and has “yerp’d” only a time or two. When NGF comes over, maggie greets her enthusiastically with licks and jumping and “requests for rubs n hugs”.
I still don’t have a way to post pics... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Again, thanks for all the suggestions.
posted by kabong the wiser at 4:52 AM on August 15, 2018 [2 favorites]
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Btw - I have been a lurker for at least 10 years and finally joined. Thanks for sharing all these years.
posted by kabong the wiser at 9:00 AM on July 27, 2018 [3 favorites]