How do I navigate a new life in Montreal, now with passenger on board?

July 24, 2018 1:49 PM

Three months ago, my husband’s job led us to move from a mining town in Ontario to Montreal. This is the latest in a very long series of moves I have made in my life, and instead of getting better at managing them I seem to be getting worse. Please help me see a way to navigate the latest geographical dislocation in my life successfully, along with the seismic shift caused by the impending arrival of our first child.

This is the fourth move we have made in four years, two of which were international. The last of these took us from the USA to Canada nearly two years ago. It was unexpected and traumatic and caused me to have something of a mental breakdown due to profound loss, my negative feelings about the new town, the northern Ontario winter and extreme social isolation. I felt that I had once again lost nearly everything of value in my life and been "un-personed", professionally, socially and emotionally. While I felt initially very positive about our latest move, it has been more stressful than anticipated due to unexpected pregnancy and being stuck in the middle of a renovation sandwich in our new apartment, with constant construction noise both above and below. In addition, my husband’s already intensive work travel schedule stepped it up a notch and he has been spending nearly three weeks out of every four on the road. The noise, being alone and obsessive fears about the health of my foetus and impending motherhood have made it difficult for me to handle my anxiety. Also the fact that I would not have chosen to move to an apartment in a city if I had known about the pregnancy beforehand. The move had been intended to give me the chance to have a professional life again after a long period of unemployment and now instead I have a future as a stay at home mum.

I am really terrified of both the coming winter (I found Canadian winters 1 and 2 absolutely brutal), and my forthcoming responsibilities as a mother. I have very little experience with babies, but I have seen enough of my friends go through the process to know that "brutal" will probably also describe the experience of new motherhood.

Our families are in Europe and South America respectively and we have no social support whatsoever in Montreal and few contacts in Canada. My French is not good. As is typical when I do not feel well, I have let communications lapse with my friends elsewhere in the world and I am alone with ridiculous thoughts going round and round in my head. I am forty years old, 6 months pregnant and I feel I have no control over any aspect of my life.

I have a very short window in which to turn it around for the good of our family. I am very much looking forward to being a mother, I just desperately don't want to be a bad mother. Unfortunately I am not in a good mental state to do what I need to do and both my confidence and resilience are at a low ebb. I appreciate any insight you can offer, either in general or specific to Montreal, to how I can start to have a life again and be part of a community. All tips and advice are welcome. I just do not know where to start: any suggestions of organizations to contact, centres to go to, how to access antenatal groups/classes, where to find other mothers, recommendations for French classes... anything at all that will help me integrate would be a godsend. I would also love to hear your positive stories about life in Montreal and suggestions of things to explore, anything which will make me feel good about this latest move and restore my hope for the future .
(Please be kind. I know I have many blessings to count and I already feel deep shame and self disgust over how poorly I have managed the past two years).

posted by Diomedea to Human Relations (10 answers total)

Get a counsellor/therapist, ASAP. There is some pretty negative self talk coming through in your question, and I think you're being way way too hard on yourself. The counsellor will help now, but will super help once you have a baby. Grappling with anxiety when you're tired from a newborn will be challenging, so definitely set yourself up for success now. Likewise get a good GP now.

Other things you can do is research local mothers groups, in person and on Facebook etc.

Can any of your family (or possibly his if you get along) come and stay for a bit after you've had the baby. I wouldn't recommend right after a new baby is born but from say 2-3 months in it will be invaluable having someone else there for you, even just a tad.

You haven't mentioned what support your partner is giving you. I think it's time to set a clear expectation with them around the level of support you will need when baby comes, and beforehand. Get them to take as much time off work as you possibly can, even leave without pay if its available and you can afford it. Having both hands on deck on those first few weeks will be really helpful and also will help your partner understand how much work a baby is.

You've got this, you're already being proactive just by asking this question. Never forget it's okay to put yourself first. You are not alone, we're here. Best of luck,
posted by smoke at 2:02 PM on July 24, 2018 [7 favorites]

Before you get a therapist, get a good night's sleep. Go to a hotel. Sleep. Then find a therapist. I'm also a big fan of making lists. There are plenty of things I can't control. Everything else goes on a list.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 2:28 PM on July 24, 2018 [1 favorite]

Find a mother's group as your first item of business. There are hints of helpful groups on this Google page. You can't be the only overwhelmed newcomer to Montreal with a baby on the way. With a new friend, on a similar trajectory, you can start to address some of the more practical questions, and likely feel happier besides.
posted by Violet Blue at 3:16 PM on July 24, 2018 [1 favorite]

Montreal mother here (and also immigrant to Canada)! I'm not on MF very much these days but was directed here because of your post. DM me asap and let's exchange emails. I have lots of good specific advice for you re: pregnancy and maternity leave in Montreal and navigating winter with a baby. Depending on what neighbourhood you live in, I can give you suggestions for online and IRL parent groups too.

And constant construction is TOTALLY MADDENING, like really really crazy-making. Are they not working because of construction week? If so, take full advantage of the peace and quiet and sleep as much as possible. Also, do you have a/c? This summer has been brutal and the heat + pregnancy = further crazy-making. I can also give you suggestions for cheap venues with a/c for hanging out during the day.
posted by picklebird at 3:55 PM on July 24, 2018 [11 favorites]

Another friendly Montrealer here -- I'm not a Bio Mom, but I've been a Foster Mom for 3 teens. I'd be glad to give you my email address and/or friend you on Facebook to offer you another local contact/friend in which to turn when needed for advice, etc. I'm also pretty good at searching for and finding resources, especially for English-speakers/Anglophones.

Feel free to drop me a DM and I'll give you my contact info, and mention your neighbourhood if you can, so that I can give you more region-specific recommendations, ok?
posted by Jade Dragon at 5:47 PM on July 24, 2018 [5 favorites]

It is hard to do pregnancy and parenting without your support system - this isn’t a failing of yours at all. This might be the time to re-align your priorities as a team and have your partner seek work close to your family; certainly they should immediately scale back their work commitments so they do not need to travel. Are they aware of how overwhelming all of this is? Can you arrange a visit back to your support system to give you a breath of fresh air?

You said you are now giving up your professional goals to be a stay at home mom, but that isn’t a choice you have to make now. You can still work while pregnant (my sister was hired two weeks before her due date for a job) and you can return to work any time you choose. Your partner may want to take advantage of the paid parental leave and be off 8+ months (it just recently changed so I am not 100% sure how long he would get) while you worked.

Your apartment, and the noise, sounds impossible and uninhabitable. What about looking for another accommidation, suitable for a family, and break the lease due to the excessive construction? You do have options. I know it seems an enourmous entertwined mash of problems but if you separate them into bite-sized chunks the ones you can solve will improve your life and make dealing with the remaining problems easier. This is also not something anyone can handle alone, get your partner, your support network, and a therapist involved to help you navigate everything.

Montreal is one of my favourite cities, it is pretty magical and a great place for families. For winter, I recommend hibernation, but a lot of other people get all Bon Homme about enjoying the snow. If you do decide to stay in Montreal longer-term you may want to plan vacations during the winter to break it up. I wish you luck and love in whatever choices you make :)
posted by saucysault at 5:52 PM on July 24, 2018 [3 favorites]

You sound very overwhelmed :( Big hug.
One place among many to find a community of moms and dads would be at the Metafilter parents group on Facebook. There are a couple hundred of us. Stay at home moms, working moms, single moms, gay moms, moms with spouses who travel a lot or stay at home with the baby. We’ve got some Dads too. Urban, rural. We have a bunch of Canadians! We are overwhelmed and stretched to the limit sometimes; satisfied and even joyful and triumphant sometimes. And always around to answer questions and support each other bc it’s so hard. Anyway you get the picture. Memail me to join. You’re not going to be a bad mom even if your anxious brain tells you that now. We’ve been there, come ask us.
posted by sestaaak at 6:29 PM on July 24, 2018 [10 favorites]

I've known people who have moved to Montreal specifically to have babies because of the affordable childcare (it was 7 dollars a day then, not sure what it's at now) and because of how family friendly it is compared to other large cities in Canada. I can't imagine a better place to move to from a small rural mining town, especially in terms of avoiding isolation! There are tons of co-op daycares and baby hang outs.

Almost everyone speaks English in Montreal. A friend lived and worked there for 6 years and does not speak any French. It's harder to get a job without French, it's never been an issue otherwise.

You have family in South America? Spend winters with them! Montreal winters are a nightmare, though better recently due to global warming (arg). Your husband is gone 3 out of 4 weeks, if you spend two months with family you skip 2 months of winter, he only misses two weeks of baby. Hell, he can take 2 weeks vacation and join you.
posted by Dynex at 7:44 PM on July 24, 2018 [6 favorites]

Hello! Thanks to the hot real estate market in Sydney we've moved every year for the past 6 years, the last 3 (well, four...) with a kid in tow. My husband got a job transfer to Launceston, where we were able to *buy* and we moved (again) last week (kiddo's move number 4!). I don't know anyone, it's cold, it's dark, I'm not working (and likely won't really until kiddo starts school in Feb), and it was a brutal re-entry from visiting my family in California (I'm an expat to boot; oh and jet lag! and PMS...). I feel for you. I've been in that headspace very recently and am many ways still am.

What's helped the past few weeks is Betterhelp. I do not have the energy (or money, frankly) to seek and sort out a referral for and then interview and select a therapist. Betterhelp is online, affordable, and was a big help in letting me vent and get a bunch of the immediate angst off my chest. They'll do email, skype, whatever. I highly recommend this as an interim and immediate thing you can do.

Check MeetUp (for anything - parents, expat groups, language learning, etc), and check FB for expat/expat parent groups.

I've broken leases before too. It is do-able and worth it! PM me anytime, about any of this.
posted by jrobin276 at 5:10 AM on July 25, 2018 [1 favorite]

Repeating what others have said about taking care of yourself and not being so hard on yourself. Four moves in four years sounds so difficult, on top of everything else you are dealing with.

Several neighborhoods in Montreal are both family friendly and have a large English-speaking population. It is possible to break the lease and find a place that would be more suitable for your family. There are also adult French language courses available - a close friend of mine followed her spouse to Montreal and had a great experience in her French course, made friends, and learned the language to enough fluency to be able to get a job in Montreal. There will likely be a course available near wherever you live. Also, in my experience, even if you are not fluent in French, people in Montreal are generally friendly. My French skills are not strong, but almost everyone I have encountered has been kind about it. A huge percentage of Montrealers are bilingual (and Montreal has the largest trilingual population in Canada), so even if your French is weak, you will be able to communicate with many people in Montreal.

Winter is harsh in Montreal, but dressing properly for the weather is key to making it bearable. If you have a windproof coat with a hood, boots with good grip, and a scarf that will cover your face, that makes a huge difference. A godsend in the winter is Montreal's huge "underground city", which is a network of interconnected buildings (malls, metro stations, etcetera). Here is a map.
posted by photoelectric at 3:01 PM on September 3, 2018