I can haz civil, healthy anger?
July 22, 2018 11:52 AM Subscribe
I live with my sister (and thank god I am moving out in 3 weeks). Certain aspect of her produces a vast amount of anger in me. My therapist has helped me understand some of why I am angry. I'd like to stop repressing my anger, and instead channel it in healthy and civil ways. Ideas and suggestions please!
I am 33F. Sister is 28. I want to first make super clear first that I AM NOT LOOKING TO CONTROL OR CHANGE my sister or anyone in my family. They are grown adults. I do not agree with or like some of the things they do, but I accept that I can only control myself and my own behavior.
I am also moving to a different city in 3 weeks, so I already have an exit plan.
What I would really like are ideas and strategies for me to deal with my anger until I leave. I would like to stop repressing my anger or turn the anger onto myself in fits of self-destruction (like I've done for most of my life), or yell and shout or otherwise express anger in a way that I would not be proud of.
***
I hesitate to detail specifics, but just so mefiters have some sense of the nature of my anger: my sister has basically been a hikikomori. My parents send her money, and "doesn't have the heart" to push her to get a job or be engaged in the world in some sort of a meaningful way.
She also engages in a kind of body image/ food-related emotional blackmailing--constantly telling me about how she hasn't eaten, has missed meals, doesn't have an appetite etc., and fishing for weight loss comments. This kind of stuff is very triggering for me, because we had grown up with our mom manipulating everyone (and mostly me because I'm her oldest child) through her thinness and rejection of food.
I have worked really really hard in therapy as an adult to kind of unshackle myself from that whole thing. I am able to not give into my sister's guilt-tripping, but it's very taxing.
I stay out of the house as much as I possibly can, but we still have to interact sometimes, and interactions often leave me very angry. I think I have some solid reasons to be angry, but I am not very experienced at processing anger in a healthy way. What are some concrete strategies to channel this anger into something healthy and civil?
I am 33F. Sister is 28. I want to first make super clear first that I AM NOT LOOKING TO CONTROL OR CHANGE my sister or anyone in my family. They are grown adults. I do not agree with or like some of the things they do, but I accept that I can only control myself and my own behavior.
I am also moving to a different city in 3 weeks, so I already have an exit plan.
What I would really like are ideas and strategies for me to deal with my anger until I leave. I would like to stop repressing my anger or turn the anger onto myself in fits of self-destruction (like I've done for most of my life), or yell and shout or otherwise express anger in a way that I would not be proud of.
***
I hesitate to detail specifics, but just so mefiters have some sense of the nature of my anger: my sister has basically been a hikikomori. My parents send her money, and "doesn't have the heart" to push her to get a job or be engaged in the world in some sort of a meaningful way.
She also engages in a kind of body image/ food-related emotional blackmailing--constantly telling me about how she hasn't eaten, has missed meals, doesn't have an appetite etc., and fishing for weight loss comments. This kind of stuff is very triggering for me, because we had grown up with our mom manipulating everyone (and mostly me because I'm her oldest child) through her thinness and rejection of food.
I have worked really really hard in therapy as an adult to kind of unshackle myself from that whole thing. I am able to not give into my sister's guilt-tripping, but it's very taxing.
I stay out of the house as much as I possibly can, but we still have to interact sometimes, and interactions often leave me very angry. I think I have some solid reasons to be angry, but I am not very experienced at processing anger in a healthy way. What are some concrete strategies to channel this anger into something healthy and civil?
It's OK to establish boundaries angrily too. I would probably get exasperated with someone like that and say "oh for gods sake's no one cares what you weight or what you ate" and then follow up with "really, I don't care. Leave. Or we can talk about art or politics or movies or anything other than yourself for five bloody minutes!" If I'm less annoyed I'll probably just wander off and say something along the lines of " NO I'm listening, wouldn't want to miss a second of you talking about yourself!" I also like to wait for them to ask me a question ans answer it with "No no, let's keep talking about you". Now that sounds passive aggressive but it's not: it's just normal aggressive. I'm not pretending to enjoy the conversation and I'm clearly being rude and ending the conversation as it is. Some people need that because they are clueless.
What makes me feel better is knowing I've said my piece and that the other person knows they are annoying me by being a self-absorbed jerk. Anything that happens beyond that is not my problem. Being I'm a woman I've said some variety of the above to quite a few other women over the years specifically about body issues and I have lost a few friendships but mostly those people are just a bit more standoffish and careful around me. Which is PERFECT. I mean, no one wants to listen to someone else talk about themselves all the time, do they? No, they don't. When it comes down to it: if you want to make a positive change I'm all in to help. If you want to use it as an excuse to focus attention on yourself you can fuck off because I am not the kind of friend or relative who plays second fiddle to your manufactured drama (repeat that to yourself as needed).
This means my mother and her sisters are not allowed to regale me with the details of their feuds. We have had nothing to talk about for 20 years basically except the odd movie and the cats. And my siblings are not allowed to call and only ask advice or talk about themselves or I'll hang up on them after 20 minutes or so. I'm sure there is wailing and gnashing of teeth but I don't really care. Have some manners people. This is why you have so many problems you need advice with! A basic lack of consideration.
posted by fshgrl at 1:18 PM on July 22, 2018 [10 favorites]
What makes me feel better is knowing I've said my piece and that the other person knows they are annoying me by being a self-absorbed jerk. Anything that happens beyond that is not my problem. Being I'm a woman I've said some variety of the above to quite a few other women over the years specifically about body issues and I have lost a few friendships but mostly those people are just a bit more standoffish and careful around me. Which is PERFECT. I mean, no one wants to listen to someone else talk about themselves all the time, do they? No, they don't. When it comes down to it: if you want to make a positive change I'm all in to help. If you want to use it as an excuse to focus attention on yourself you can fuck off because I am not the kind of friend or relative who plays second fiddle to your manufactured drama (repeat that to yourself as needed).
This means my mother and her sisters are not allowed to regale me with the details of their feuds. We have had nothing to talk about for 20 years basically except the odd movie and the cats. And my siblings are not allowed to call and only ask advice or talk about themselves or I'll hang up on them after 20 minutes or so. I'm sure there is wailing and gnashing of teeth but I don't really care. Have some manners people. This is why you have so many problems you need advice with! A basic lack of consideration.
posted by fshgrl at 1:18 PM on July 22, 2018 [10 favorites]
Best answer: You need to ask yourself why you're angry at this. She is the shut-in, she is the one still tied to your mom's disordered body image and eating. Work on the boundary between you by constantly reminding yourself that her issues are her own issues. Practice seeing her the way you'd see an acquaintance with a similar lack of self-awareness about their own struggles. Tell yourself: my sister is the one with these problems, not me. You might find your anger fading into something like polite concern and eventually even to sympathy.
posted by nantucket at 1:21 PM on July 22, 2018 [19 favorites]
posted by nantucket at 1:21 PM on July 22, 2018 [19 favorites]
I really love the advice to go for a run!
posted by catspajammies at 1:25 PM on July 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by catspajammies at 1:25 PM on July 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Vigorous exercise is the best for this. You could run up and down flights of stairs or down the block; it doesn’t have to be lengthy (though its okay to go longer if you wish), as long as it gets your heart racing.
You can also try progressive muscle relaxation. This is tensing muscle groups and then relaxing them. It tricks your nervous system into relaxing. There are plenty of tutorials online.
You can also try splashing your face and hands with very cold water or dunking your face in a bowl of cold water. Again, this triggers your body into relaxing.
If these aren’t enough, try leaving the house, or getting into a different mental state by consuming media. Block out all thoughts of your sister and family. I find very silly or funny podcasts or YouTube videos are perfect for this. It should be media that won’t make you angry. Aim for something funny, or sweet.
You could also freewrite. Write out your anger on a piece of paper for 2-5 minutes. Get everything out. Then rip the paper up. Flush the pieces down the toilet. As they disappear, visualize your problems being flushed with them.
posted by shalom at 1:25 PM on July 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
You can also try progressive muscle relaxation. This is tensing muscle groups and then relaxing them. It tricks your nervous system into relaxing. There are plenty of tutorials online.
You can also try splashing your face and hands with very cold water or dunking your face in a bowl of cold water. Again, this triggers your body into relaxing.
If these aren’t enough, try leaving the house, or getting into a different mental state by consuming media. Block out all thoughts of your sister and family. I find very silly or funny podcasts or YouTube videos are perfect for this. It should be media that won’t make you angry. Aim for something funny, or sweet.
You could also freewrite. Write out your anger on a piece of paper for 2-5 minutes. Get everything out. Then rip the paper up. Flush the pieces down the toilet. As they disappear, visualize your problems being flushed with them.
posted by shalom at 1:25 PM on July 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
Best answer: constantly telling me about how she hasn't eaten, has missed meals, doesn't have an appetite etc., and fishing for weight loss comments. This kind of stuff is very triggering for me
I have found it enormously helpful in similar situations to be honest and to ask for what I need without any expectation of getting it. In your case, if you haven't already said this to your sister, I would say something like, "I don't want to talk about food or eating or related topics with you anymore. This topic is upsetting to me. That isn't your fault, but I don't want to feel upset. Let's talk about other things." Then ask her about something else that seems potentially promising as a topic.
The reason speaking up for myself is helpful is because my anger is worse if I don't say anything. That may seem paradoxical, but in my case it's true. I don't have any control over another person's behaviour but I also can't expect anyone to read my mind. So if I stand up for myself by asking, calmly, for what I want, then I am less upset even if I don't get what I asked for.
Plus exercise. :-) Also, an I-Am-SO SO Angry playlist, etc. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 1:37 PM on July 22, 2018 [12 favorites]
I have found it enormously helpful in similar situations to be honest and to ask for what I need without any expectation of getting it. In your case, if you haven't already said this to your sister, I would say something like, "I don't want to talk about food or eating or related topics with you anymore. This topic is upsetting to me. That isn't your fault, but I don't want to feel upset. Let's talk about other things." Then ask her about something else that seems potentially promising as a topic.
The reason speaking up for myself is helpful is because my anger is worse if I don't say anything. That may seem paradoxical, but in my case it's true. I don't have any control over another person's behaviour but I also can't expect anyone to read my mind. So if I stand up for myself by asking, calmly, for what I want, then I am less upset even if I don't get what I asked for.
Plus exercise. :-) Also, an I-Am-SO SO Angry playlist, etc. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 1:37 PM on July 22, 2018 [12 favorites]
A constructive way to deal with this anger is to put it in perspective. You're leaving, you're comparatively much healthier, you are free and have a life and she doesn't. You get angry because of a trigger which is very much normal but to indulge that anger would not be compassionate. Without help her life will be emptier, scarier, sadder and shorter than yours, and while that does not make you responsible for her it does mean that detachment from her should not just be withdrawing the emotional labour she is looking for - it should also be withdrawing your judgment of her, and your anger about the triggers.
posted by Mistress at 1:47 PM on July 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by Mistress at 1:47 PM on July 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
Another one - in some way or other did you choose to live there? Take the energy of the anger and use it productively towards planning in your own life, planning that will ensure you don't need to make such a choice again.
posted by Mistress at 1:49 PM on July 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Mistress at 1:49 PM on July 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: The reason speaking up for myself is helpful is because my anger is worse if I don't say anything. That may seem paradoxical, but in my case it's true. I don't have any control over another person's behaviour but I also can't expect anyone to read my mind. So if I stand up for myself by asking, calmly, for what I want, then I am less upset even if I don't get what I asked for.
Yes, this. Anger's job is to let us know when someone's violating our boundaries. A healthy way of dealing with someone violating one's boundaries is to establish and/or reinforce one's boundaries. Without that step, "channeling" anger is really just repressing it in new ways.
posted by lazuli at 2:13 PM on July 22, 2018 [18 favorites]
Yes, this. Anger's job is to let us know when someone's violating our boundaries. A healthy way of dealing with someone violating one's boundaries is to establish and/or reinforce one's boundaries. Without that step, "channeling" anger is really just repressing it in new ways.
posted by lazuli at 2:13 PM on July 22, 2018 [18 favorites]
Maybe there’s some sort of Meetup group that you could do a bunch of activities with—going to see movies, trips to the museum, lectures by interesting people—ao that you were out of the house aftr work, coming home when it was more time to just go to bed each night, and you were spending your tme with interesting people looking-at/talking-about interesting things.
Some way to fill those twenty-one days away from your sister.
posted by blueberry at 3:37 PM on July 22, 2018
Some way to fill those twenty-one days away from your sister.
posted by blueberry at 3:37 PM on July 22, 2018
Lots of great advice above. You can also try doing something on the artistic/creative side. This does not require you to have any kind of talent in that area - but just as a pure outlet. Playing music is perfect for this but there are a lot of artistic outlets that could work. But the more physical, the better. Dancing to aggressive music is always useful in a pinch.
posted by acidnova at 3:46 PM on July 22, 2018
posted by acidnova at 3:46 PM on July 22, 2018
Best answer: You can anyways make a violate - my - boundaries bingo game of sorts out of it : instead of worrying about whether or not and when she will do it, plan for it and have a checklist in a nice new journal, and each time she crosses a line excuse yourself because you have to update something on your journal, then go write down the time a particular boundary was violated.
It serves two purposes : first, it requires you to itemize your boundaries - - which helps you get perspective on them - - and second, it turns those moments into a trigger for a thoughtful moment instead of a reactive one.
posted by davejay at 5:07 PM on July 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
It serves two purposes : first, it requires you to itemize your boundaries - - which helps you get perspective on them - - and second, it turns those moments into a trigger for a thoughtful moment instead of a reactive one.
posted by davejay at 5:07 PM on July 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
Best answer: What seems to be helping you detangle your family legacy is therapy.
When her food shaming happens again, you can express a detached sense of anger - like, ‘This makes me cross, you talking about starving yourself is not Good Chats, is my opinion. Therapy on this would be a good idea, it’s certainly helped me a lot and so I’m recommending it to you’ and leave the conversation.
Walks, gym, a stomp around a park with the intentional attitude of recognizing and releasing anger. Finish with a pat on the back to yourself that you’re doing the hard work of leaving these harmful family practices behind.
posted by honey-barbara at 5:09 PM on July 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
When her food shaming happens again, you can express a detached sense of anger - like, ‘This makes me cross, you talking about starving yourself is not Good Chats, is my opinion. Therapy on this would be a good idea, it’s certainly helped me a lot and so I’m recommending it to you’ and leave the conversation.
Walks, gym, a stomp around a park with the intentional attitude of recognizing and releasing anger. Finish with a pat on the back to yourself that you’re doing the hard work of leaving these harmful family practices behind.
posted by honey-barbara at 5:09 PM on July 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Three weeks to go, and you need to weather occasional interactions because you're already staying out of the house as much as you can? Then lie. You think you're coming down with something, a cold, a stomach flu, a viral malady. You'd hate to pass it on, so it's best to keep your distance from one another. After a few days swap the virus excuse for a headache or a migraine, and remove yourself to your bedroom. Rinse, repeat, relocate.
Moving is so stressful. Neither of you will fundamentally change, or experience a big breakthrough in your relationship, in the next few weeks. Best wishes for a sea change in your dealings with your sister once you have some physical distance, but take care of yourself in the meantime.
(And I agree with Mistress. Your sister's life is going to change drastically after you move, and she's continuing to provoke you because this situation is also stressful for her, and she wants you to demonstrate that you care about her. Negative attention is still attention.)
posted by Iris Gambol at 5:34 PM on July 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
Moving is so stressful. Neither of you will fundamentally change, or experience a big breakthrough in your relationship, in the next few weeks. Best wishes for a sea change in your dealings with your sister once you have some physical distance, but take care of yourself in the meantime.
(And I agree with Mistress. Your sister's life is going to change drastically after you move, and she's continuing to provoke you because this situation is also stressful for her, and she wants you to demonstrate that you care about her. Negative attention is still attention.)
posted by Iris Gambol at 5:34 PM on July 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
I go with HALT. Don't get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. If one of those is out of whack, up the other ones. I'd add don't get too thirsty, but THALT isn't cute.
posted by Peach at 7:12 PM on July 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by Peach at 7:12 PM on July 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
Best answer: My therapist advised something that’s been surprisingly helpful - just acknowledging the anger. I say to myself, I am really angry at so-and-so right now. For some reason, just observing it like that seems to make it dissipate faster. I’m not trying to control it or fight it - just noticing it’s there. I end up just naturally moving on to other things without trying to.
posted by FencingGal at 7:17 PM on July 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by FencingGal at 7:17 PM on July 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
Have a look at this exposition on teenage brain development from Jill Bolte Taylor, and see whether what it teaches you about the relationship between feeling stuff and thinking stuff is of use to you.
Also, vigorous exercise.
posted by flabdablet at 10:54 PM on July 22, 2018
Also, vigorous exercise.
posted by flabdablet at 10:54 PM on July 22, 2018
Best answer: She's going to step it way up because she's probably completely terrified about the big change ahead, and honestly, probably, so are you, terrified for her. Who is going to watch over her when you're gone? Who will make sure she eats anything ever? After all, your parents won't live forever! Etc. Etc. So you're both scared and that means two things: 1, she's going to escalate the bizarre ana crap (because a, it's her last chance to have an audience for it and b, she wants to seem less-than-ever self-sufficient so that maybe somehow you won't leave), and 2, you're going to feel angrier about the bizarre ana crap than ever before, because for the love of god, must she be even MORE unsuited to live on earth precisely NOW when you're trying to get out of there so you can stop being her sole source of human contact forever?
But you must go through with your escape, for your sake and hers. Do not yield to any derailing effort, whether it comes from inside yourself or from her. It feels cruel, but it is the opposite. You can't take care of her. If she is going to survive and have any sort of life, she has to figure this out. She won't as long as she's got family on site and willing to put up with the nonsense.
If you find yourself yelling or driven to yell or throw something, stop and think and breathe for a minute and think what exactly it is you want to say, and then simply say the truth to her. "This apartment is a deathtrap. Every square inch of it is tainted and haunted by the demon mother of our childhood, who is clearly trying to starve both of us to death. You may be willing to sit here forever and plan new ways to die and talk endlessly about starvation plans, but I'm bored to death with this life plan you've cooked up for yourself, plus it smells musty in here. I hope you follow me out someday. Call me if you ever want escape pointers."
posted by Don Pepino at 9:00 AM on July 23, 2018 [2 favorites]
But you must go through with your escape, for your sake and hers. Do not yield to any derailing effort, whether it comes from inside yourself or from her. It feels cruel, but it is the opposite. You can't take care of her. If she is going to survive and have any sort of life, she has to figure this out. She won't as long as she's got family on site and willing to put up with the nonsense.
If you find yourself yelling or driven to yell or throw something, stop and think and breathe for a minute and think what exactly it is you want to say, and then simply say the truth to her. "This apartment is a deathtrap. Every square inch of it is tainted and haunted by the demon mother of our childhood, who is clearly trying to starve both of us to death. You may be willing to sit here forever and plan new ways to die and talk endlessly about starvation plans, but I'm bored to death with this life plan you've cooked up for yourself, plus it smells musty in here. I hope you follow me out someday. Call me if you ever want escape pointers."
posted by Don Pepino at 9:00 AM on July 23, 2018 [2 favorites]
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posted by koahiatamadl at 12:06 PM on July 22, 2018 [14 favorites]