Self-help?
February 10, 2006 4:19 PM Subscribe
Self-help books- helpful or hogwash? (more inside)
I've recently started addressing some issues about myself that I would like to change, namely low self-esteem, bouts of depression, and a general feeling that I don't fit in. I always feel like somewhat of an outsider and this makes me pretty uncomfortable when meeting new people. I have made an appointment with a psychiatrist to talk through these issues and hopefully try out some medications that may help with the social anxiety disorder. While walking through the bookstore today I noticed just how expansive the self-help section was. Are these books actually helpful? If so, does anyone care to suggest some titles? Thanks in advance.
I've recently started addressing some issues about myself that I would like to change, namely low self-esteem, bouts of depression, and a general feeling that I don't fit in. I always feel like somewhat of an outsider and this makes me pretty uncomfortable when meeting new people. I have made an appointment with a psychiatrist to talk through these issues and hopefully try out some medications that may help with the social anxiety disorder. While walking through the bookstore today I noticed just how expansive the self-help section was. Are these books actually helpful? If so, does anyone care to suggest some titles? Thanks in advance.
Some are good, some are bad, some don't apply to your situation. Look through such books carefully before purchasing. If it is only sold wrapped in plastic, that's a bad sign.
Word of advice, though: if there's a big stack of a particular self-help title at the local used book store, chances are it isn't very good. ;-)
posted by ilsa at 4:42 PM on February 10, 2006
Word of advice, though: if there's a big stack of a particular self-help title at the local used book store, chances are it isn't very good. ;-)
posted by ilsa at 4:42 PM on February 10, 2006
I've always found biographies and memoirs to be much more enlightening and moving than any book specifically written to enlighten or move me.
posted by jrossi4r at 4:43 PM on February 10, 2006
posted by jrossi4r at 4:43 PM on February 10, 2006
Are these books actually helpful?
It's totally a "Your mileage may vary" thing. Sometimes, for some people, a particular book will be written in just the right way so that it seems to speak directly to you and your issues, makes you see your problems from a whole new angle that you didn't think of before.
It can certainly be daunting to walk down the self-help aisle in the bookstore looking for such a book, though. Your psychiatrist may have some good recommendations for you; ask him/her when you go in for your appointment, but bear in mind that even if they do recommend a particular book, it might not be all "life-changing" or "enlightening" for you.
If you've got the time to kill, maybe go to the bookstore and pick up just a couple that seem to jump out at you -- and when I say "pick up" I mean just grab them and sit down with them for a few minutes, not necessarily spend money on them -- and have a look at the table of contents, the first couple of chapters, and see if they seem to make any sense to you. If it looks like gobbledegook, put it back, and don't try to make yourself "get" a particular book.
Dealing With People You Can't Stand is a self-help book that I found especially helpful; it was written in a really down-to-earth, regular-person way about issues that I was dealing with on a constant basis at the time, and I loved it. But that's not really in the same ballpark as the kind of stuff you're dealing with, I just mention it as an example of the kind of thing I personally found helpful. I saw it in an office-supply store (of all places) while I was shopping, and I just saw the title and thought, "Hey, that's something I seriously need help with right now." And when I picked it up and leafed through it, it just seemed really accessible and readable and understanding. That's the kind of thing you want to look for, I think.
posted by Gator at 4:43 PM on February 10, 2006
It's totally a "Your mileage may vary" thing. Sometimes, for some people, a particular book will be written in just the right way so that it seems to speak directly to you and your issues, makes you see your problems from a whole new angle that you didn't think of before.
It can certainly be daunting to walk down the self-help aisle in the bookstore looking for such a book, though. Your psychiatrist may have some good recommendations for you; ask him/her when you go in for your appointment, but bear in mind that even if they do recommend a particular book, it might not be all "life-changing" or "enlightening" for you.
If you've got the time to kill, maybe go to the bookstore and pick up just a couple that seem to jump out at you -- and when I say "pick up" I mean just grab them and sit down with them for a few minutes, not necessarily spend money on them -- and have a look at the table of contents, the first couple of chapters, and see if they seem to make any sense to you. If it looks like gobbledegook, put it back, and don't try to make yourself "get" a particular book.
Dealing With People You Can't Stand is a self-help book that I found especially helpful; it was written in a really down-to-earth, regular-person way about issues that I was dealing with on a constant basis at the time, and I loved it. But that's not really in the same ballpark as the kind of stuff you're dealing with, I just mention it as an example of the kind of thing I personally found helpful. I saw it in an office-supply store (of all places) while I was shopping, and I just saw the title and thought, "Hey, that's something I seriously need help with right now." And when I picked it up and leafed through it, it just seemed really accessible and readable and understanding. That's the kind of thing you want to look for, I think.
posted by Gator at 4:43 PM on February 10, 2006
most of the ones I've read (not that I've read tons -- but certainly a number over the years) have usually had only a minimal or superficial impact. However, in the past year two have had a significant and highly positive impact on me: The Feeling Good Handbook (which is fantastic for dealing with anxiety and depression, and is quite possibly the single most frequently recommended book on AskMe!) and How to Be an Adult in Relationships.
posted by scody at 4:49 PM on February 10, 2006
posted by scody at 4:49 PM on February 10, 2006
I would suggest reading the actual book before moving on to the handbook (for most people, past experience, it would be better).
posted by justgary at 5:22 PM on February 10, 2006
posted by justgary at 5:22 PM on February 10, 2006
Sometimes it helps to refute your own negative feelings about yourself with logical thoughts. For example, if there is a whole big section on "self-help" (one of the biggest, really) at the bookstore, wouldn't you be able to reasonably conclude that you're not really that much of an outsider, and that you *do*, in fact, fit in?
I'm dead serious.
Also, when we have negative feelings about ourselves, we are usually ignoring all the people who like us and find a lot of positive traits of our personalities that they enjoy. Part of believing in your own self-worth is accepting the self-worth of those other people and *noticing* and *appreicating* that they like you. Accepting them will lead to you accepting yourself.
posted by BrandonAbell at 6:14 PM on February 10, 2006 [1 favorite]
I'm dead serious.
Also, when we have negative feelings about ourselves, we are usually ignoring all the people who like us and find a lot of positive traits of our personalities that they enjoy. Part of believing in your own self-worth is accepting the self-worth of those other people and *noticing* and *appreicating* that they like you. Accepting them will lead to you accepting yourself.
posted by BrandonAbell at 6:14 PM on February 10, 2006 [1 favorite]
The problem with many self-help books is that they are long on inspiration and short on practical details. You read them and you coast on the buzz for a bit. You're thinking, "my life is really going to turn around now" and then it just sort of wears off because you haven't made any fundamental changes in the way you actually live your life. So you move on to the next book. And so on.
Two counter-examples that I really enjoyed are "Body-for-Life" (fitness) and "Getting Things Done" (time management). Both are highly inspirational AND packed with a wealth of practical detail. Folks who get into these books become almost religious about them.
By the way, I realize neither of these address your particular area of concern - take them as answers to your broader question.
posted by zanni at 6:36 PM on February 10, 2006
Two counter-examples that I really enjoyed are "Body-for-Life" (fitness) and "Getting Things Done" (time management). Both are highly inspirational AND packed with a wealth of practical detail. Folks who get into these books become almost religious about them.
By the way, I realize neither of these address your particular area of concern - take them as answers to your broader question.
posted by zanni at 6:36 PM on February 10, 2006
I think Body for Life and Getting Things Done are not really self-help in the sense that the original poster asked. They are practical manuals for actual activities and concrete goals. They are not about feeling better about yourself or relationships or abstract stuff. (I got a lot of useful stuff from both those books, by the way.)
Steve Salerno's "SHAM" suggests that most if not all self-help books are temporarily effective at best and positively harmful at worst. Certainly the huge market for new titles suggests that either the entire Anglophone population is fucked up OR that few of these books do the job their readers expect in the long term.
I know someone whose secret shame is selfhelp books. She's an absolute sucker for them. And yet they've made very little difference to her life other than to consume energy, time and money that could have been spent constructively. I tend to feel that if you were motivated enough to follow a book's prescription for self-improvement consistently (and the ones I've read didn't impress me with their practicality), you probably don't actually need the book. Hence scody's experience: "most of the ones I've read ... have usually had only a minimal or superficial impact"
At any rate, evaluate the authors' credentials carefully. Many of them are complete frauds (eg John Gray "MD") or grossly overrated (eg Dr Phil). Get them from the public library and save your money.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 7:18 PM on February 10, 2006
Steve Salerno's "SHAM" suggests that most if not all self-help books are temporarily effective at best and positively harmful at worst. Certainly the huge market for new titles suggests that either the entire Anglophone population is fucked up OR that few of these books do the job their readers expect in the long term.
I know someone whose secret shame is selfhelp books. She's an absolute sucker for them. And yet they've made very little difference to her life other than to consume energy, time and money that could have been spent constructively. I tend to feel that if you were motivated enough to follow a book's prescription for self-improvement consistently (and the ones I've read didn't impress me with their practicality), you probably don't actually need the book. Hence scody's experience: "most of the ones I've read ... have usually had only a minimal or superficial impact"
At any rate, evaluate the authors' credentials carefully. Many of them are complete frauds (eg John Gray "MD") or grossly overrated (eg Dr Phil). Get them from the public library and save your money.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 7:18 PM on February 10, 2006
PS: "SHAM" is somewhat polemical and just the teensiest bit exaggerated. But a real tonic in this Mars and Venus-infested world.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 7:19 PM on February 10, 2006
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 7:19 PM on February 10, 2006
I find a lot of self-help writing totally lacking in cyncism [I mean why would a self help book be cynical] and filled with not funny jokes. But I do read them, never doing the exercises - reading them in one sitting. By then I normally, if the book is even half-way decent, have a small dose of inspiration and motivation to try and fix or do something my own way.
I know this sounds a bit glib but it was the only way I could handle these books that I found a bit distasteful.
posted by meech at 7:40 PM on February 10, 2006
I know this sounds a bit glib but it was the only way I could handle these books that I found a bit distasteful.
posted by meech at 7:40 PM on February 10, 2006
I've only read a few, but would agree with zanni that some certainly err on the side of assuming that if you needed to buy the book, then you clearly could use a good dose of confidence boosting, which of course only has an ephemeral effect. I personally find that quite patronizing and it's certainly not what I'm looking for. One title I so far think is gold though (I'm only part of the way through) is Denis Waitley's Psychology of Winning - I'm currently listening to it during my workout and whilst its name sounds a bit competative, it's a mine of useful, simple, concise information on how best to approach life in a positive manner (OK, so having your vocab hijacked can be a disturbing side-effect...).
Also, I think that an interest in self-help is a great indicator of taking responsibility for yourself, which is a very important concept. I have several friends who essentially think that paying a shrink is a way of buying solutions for the problems in their lives, and don't understand that whilst having a shrink can be good and all, only work by themselves can truly effect change.
posted by forallmankind at 8:38 PM on February 10, 2006
Also, I think that an interest in self-help is a great indicator of taking responsibility for yourself, which is a very important concept. I have several friends who essentially think that paying a shrink is a way of buying solutions for the problems in their lives, and don't understand that whilst having a shrink can be good and all, only work by themselves can truly effect change.
posted by forallmankind at 8:38 PM on February 10, 2006
> This will be the obligatory mention of the cognitive therapy classics Intimate Connections and Feeling Good, by the same author [David Burns].
... I'd expect that more likely than not, you're dealing with extended low-grade depression, what's sometimes called dysthymia -- the inability to enjoy.
I would check those books out and do the basic self-assessments in the early chapters to judge whether you have some kind of true depression, or unrealistic attitudes about relationships. The book alone may help you correct them, or perhaps help you decide to seek formal treatment. There are a wealth of anti-depressants available today that are safe (with some caveats: everyon'e brain is different) and effective (as effective as anything else, that is). Group therapy can also help, even if it doesn't seem right for you -- it's the one thing I did not follow through with enough when I was dealing with my last major depressive episode. But you'll have people you can talk to who understand your personal situation, rather than passing judgement.
Dr. Burns has been mentioned by others in similar AskMe threads -- you may want to do a search. Burns's advice is proven, cognitive therapy -- relatively new when he first wrote -- is now commonplace, and the techniques are self-manageable (and help you decide whether you need professional assistance). His books are constantly in print and widely recommended.
The one thing that I recommend highly is group therapy. I didn't want to do it, I didn't do it enough, but in retrospect it was one of the most valuable things. You learn that everybody's a little bit damaged, just in different ways, and that helps you accept yourself.
posted by dhartung at 11:19 PM on February 10, 2006 [1 favorite]
... I'd expect that more likely than not, you're dealing with extended low-grade depression, what's sometimes called dysthymia -- the inability to enjoy.
I would check those books out and do the basic self-assessments in the early chapters to judge whether you have some kind of true depression, or unrealistic attitudes about relationships. The book alone may help you correct them, or perhaps help you decide to seek formal treatment. There are a wealth of anti-depressants available today that are safe (with some caveats: everyon'e brain is different) and effective (as effective as anything else, that is). Group therapy can also help, even if it doesn't seem right for you -- it's the one thing I did not follow through with enough when I was dealing with my last major depressive episode. But you'll have people you can talk to who understand your personal situation, rather than passing judgement.
Dr. Burns has been mentioned by others in similar AskMe threads -- you may want to do a search. Burns's advice is proven, cognitive therapy -- relatively new when he first wrote -- is now commonplace, and the techniques are self-manageable (and help you decide whether you need professional assistance). His books are constantly in print and widely recommended.
The one thing that I recommend highly is group therapy. I didn't want to do it, I didn't do it enough, but in retrospect it was one of the most valuable things. You learn that everybody's a little bit damaged, just in different ways, and that helps you accept yourself.
posted by dhartung at 11:19 PM on February 10, 2006 [1 favorite]
I'll second jrossi4r's recommendation of biographies/memoirs as inspirational self-help tools. They're great for at least providing perspective on private problems, if not practical strategies for overcoming them. I'll also affirm in general that there's clear benefit to be gained by reading thoughtful, practical self-help books; the recognition I felt from seeing issues spelled out in print was very valuable.
I've gotten help in the past from Joan Borysenko's work, particularly 'Minding the Body, Mending the Mind,' although I have to admit I tend not to follow through on strategies I read in books. Therapy with a counselor I trusted had more immediate practical results, but I'm still convinced someone with good discipline could use quality self-help books to great effect.
posted by mediareport at 12:34 AM on February 11, 2006
I've gotten help in the past from Joan Borysenko's work, particularly 'Minding the Body, Mending the Mind,' although I have to admit I tend not to follow through on strategies I read in books. Therapy with a counselor I trusted had more immediate practical results, but I'm still convinced someone with good discipline could use quality self-help books to great effect.
posted by mediareport at 12:34 AM on February 11, 2006
I would also highly recommend 'Feeling Good' by Dr. Burns.
That book changed my life, for the better. It is almost a substitute for an actual therapist.
posted by sk381 at 6:41 AM on February 11, 2006
That book changed my life, for the better. It is almost a substitute for an actual therapist.
posted by sk381 at 6:41 AM on February 11, 2006
On dhartung's note, Group is a great account of group therapy.
posted by forallmankind at 9:02 AM on February 11, 2006
posted by forallmankind at 9:02 AM on February 11, 2006
You might wish to take a look at Psychological Self-Help, a free, online book of over 1,000 pages with sections on specific problems/issues and on specific self-help methods.
I like the author's scientific approach. The work is heavily footnoted and the author searches for empirical studies which indicate the efficacy of different self-help approaches. The book also discusses the self-help industry and recommends (as well as warns against) specific books. The author also has a congenial philosophy regarding psychology. He feels that it is in the public's interest for professionals to "give psychology away" so that members of the public are better equipped to help themselves.
posted by syzygy at 10:16 AM on February 11, 2006
I like the author's scientific approach. The work is heavily footnoted and the author searches for empirical studies which indicate the efficacy of different self-help approaches. The book also discusses the self-help industry and recommends (as well as warns against) specific books. The author also has a congenial philosophy regarding psychology. He feels that it is in the public's interest for professionals to "give psychology away" so that members of the public are better equipped to help themselves.
posted by syzygy at 10:16 AM on February 11, 2006
I like self-help books. Like everything else, there are good and bad self-help books. Like everything else, there are many more bad ones than good ones - but the good ones are there.
The way I see it is this: human beings have always learned things from others who are more experienced or knowledgeable. This experience or knowledge is now mostly passed on by books. We read books to learn all kinds of things - why not helpful ways to deal with life? We don't all have the fortune of having good family and friends, the expected sources of good advice and guidance.
Having had years and years of therapy, I found many self-help books only stating what I already knew, and often with quite a patronising tone. There is however one book that really made an impression on me - Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey E. Young and Janet S. Klosko. Ignore the cover - the tone of the text inside is for me pitched perfectly between compassion and confrontation, something I've found in few other self-help books. The book is concerned with the idea of "lifetraps" or "schemas" - self-defeating behaviour patterns that cause our childhood problems to repeat themselves over and over in adult life. Problems with feeling an outsider is very much one of the themes. I very much recommend it.
I also found Richard Bach's Jonathan Livingston Seagull and Illusions - The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah very helpful, at a point in my life when I was just starting to realise that my life is mine, and mine only, that I don't have to live for anybody else. They confirmed that message for me, and helped me start pursuing happiness for myself.
The thing about self-help books is, as they so often remind you in therapy, that there is no magic cure. It's unlikely that any book is going to change your life overnight. And you don't have to agree with or use everything in a self-help book. It's just like with someone giving you advice - you can listen and just take what you think is of value and worth consideration. It's just another source of advice, at the end of the day. That's how I see it. And personally I have few, if any, good sources of advice. So I find self-help books very useful, and the very existence of them uplifting.
posted by questionmark at 4:41 PM on February 11, 2006 [1 favorite]
The way I see it is this: human beings have always learned things from others who are more experienced or knowledgeable. This experience or knowledge is now mostly passed on by books. We read books to learn all kinds of things - why not helpful ways to deal with life? We don't all have the fortune of having good family and friends, the expected sources of good advice and guidance.
Having had years and years of therapy, I found many self-help books only stating what I already knew, and often with quite a patronising tone. There is however one book that really made an impression on me - Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey E. Young and Janet S. Klosko. Ignore the cover - the tone of the text inside is for me pitched perfectly between compassion and confrontation, something I've found in few other self-help books. The book is concerned with the idea of "lifetraps" or "schemas" - self-defeating behaviour patterns that cause our childhood problems to repeat themselves over and over in adult life. Problems with feeling an outsider is very much one of the themes. I very much recommend it.
I also found Richard Bach's Jonathan Livingston Seagull and Illusions - The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah very helpful, at a point in my life when I was just starting to realise that my life is mine, and mine only, that I don't have to live for anybody else. They confirmed that message for me, and helped me start pursuing happiness for myself.
The thing about self-help books is, as they so often remind you in therapy, that there is no magic cure. It's unlikely that any book is going to change your life overnight. And you don't have to agree with or use everything in a self-help book. It's just like with someone giving you advice - you can listen and just take what you think is of value and worth consideration. It's just another source of advice, at the end of the day. That's how I see it. And personally I have few, if any, good sources of advice. So I find self-help books very useful, and the very existence of them uplifting.
posted by questionmark at 4:41 PM on February 11, 2006 [1 favorite]
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posted by snsranch at 4:27 PM on February 10, 2006