How can I guarantee my evening ritual will happen?
July 19, 2018 12:55 AM   Subscribe

I have a form of PTSD that screws my sleep. If I follow a fairly strict evening routine, it activates my parasympathetic nervous system and makes a good sleep highly likely. The trouble is, I find it hard to be consistent every single night. Does anyone have any tips/books/practices for sticking to some fixed actions regardless of whether or not I feel like it?

The routine regards my dinner time, doing a few simple calming exercises before bed, having a bed time around 10.30pm. I need to do it every night. I can do it about 80% of the time. The remaining 20% is when I'm over-excited, or tired, or socialising. One of these skipped nights, and it can be a couple of weeks of craziness before I'm regulated again. I'd much prefer to have the ability to guarantee that I'll follow the plan.

Over the years, I have tried an accountability partner, which works quite well, and I tend to do a 'risk sheet' in the morning that predicts likely obstacles in the evening. Even these have flaws - fundamentally, that it's possible for me to not exactly do what I said I'd do. A side effect of PTSD is a tendency to be kind of hyperactive and impulsive, and resist relaxing, especially in the evening.

Any thoughts on this are welcome - tips, names of authors, methods, personal experience, etc.
posted by King_Wang to Health & Fitness (14 answers total) 16 users marked this as a favorite
 
For the socializing part I would become very active in telling friends that “I go to bed at XX:XX.” I am known in my group of friends for going to bed at 10pm every night so the reality is that I don’t get push back when t comes to leaving social events because they already know what the deal is. It also makes it easier for me to leave because I’m not fighting any tendencies to stay.
posted by raccoon409 at 4:14 AM on July 19, 2018 [5 favorites]


For me I managed this PTSD in flexibility in a variety of ways over time.

One of them was medication, honestly.

But, another way I managed it was finding bedtime rituals I find comforting that weren't time dependent like little sayings, and a consistent way to wind down. How I bathe, when I turn off the lights ect. Also little objects I defined as safe, these are really important when forwhatever reason I sleep somewhere else... I bring the safe object to help my brain with the everything is different.
posted by AlexiaSky at 4:34 AM on July 19, 2018 [1 favorite]


YES! Actually this book is pretty dated, but it REALLY helped me with coping with unpleasant sensations a la panic attacks: Hope and Help for your Nerves

Full disclosure: It wouldn't have helped without some other strategies (for me, this includes regular meditation) but I did find it to be a very engaging, very enjoyable and useful read. I recommend it.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 4:57 AM on July 19, 2018 [2 favorites]


I hope this doesn't sound too flippant, but could you not set an alarm/reminder on your phone? My mindfulness app (Calm) allows me to set a reminder, but you could also use a (silent/vibrating) alarm if you wanted to.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 5:08 AM on July 19, 2018 [3 favorites]


I work out hard right before bed. Everyone says not to but it conks me the fuck out. I also try to socialize earlier in the day so I'm tired of people by nightfall. Watching the sun set or using dimmer clocks helps. Sometimes I fall asleep on the phone with a pal, or curl up with a heavy body pillow on my chest to feel calm. I think you have to embrace being impulsive, excitable and restless, then plan to channel it at a better time. Take me: I can follow a schedule perfectly for about three days and then I'm so friggin' bored I'll do anything to escape the repetition. Just knowing when bedtime is fills me with dread! So frontload the early part of your day and crush FOMO with variance. Run your brain ragged with heavy intellectual work of some kind.
posted by fritillary at 5:53 AM on July 19, 2018 [2 favorites]


Echoing LoonyLovegood, I have had to experiment a LOT with various reminder/task apps to get myself to adopt new habits. My current go-to is a combination of google calendar events with reminders, the iOS reminders app, and alarms.

I also find that while I was very reticent about the "Bedtime" functionality (a set of reminders and alarms based on how many hours you want to get to bed each night and when you want to wake up) in the iOS alarm system, it's actually extremely useful and has replaced all of my general "GET UP" and "GO TO BED" alarms, making it easier for me to focus my other reminders on actual pre-bed tasks.
posted by seemoorglass at 6:03 AM on July 19, 2018 [1 favorite]


My mindfulness app (Calm) allows me to set a reminder, but you could also use a (silent/vibrating) alarm if you wanted to.

I have this too. I get an alert an hour before my bedtime that tells me it's nearly time for bed. It reminds me to turn off screens and start my bedtime rituals.
posted by gladly at 6:04 AM on July 19, 2018 [1 favorite]


When I find myself resisting doing the things that keep my brain happy and healthy, I say to myself "I have a choice. I can do X and feel specific description of good feelings or I can not do X and feel specific description of bad feelings that would result." Somehow putting it in terms of a choice really helps as does thinking explicitly about why I do X. Sometimes I do choose not doing X but I do it with a full understanding of the consequences (so deciding that socializing that night is more important to me than good sleep).
posted by mcduff at 7:07 AM on July 19, 2018 [4 favorites]


for me, the only way to really establish a challenging new habit (in my case exercise) was to dedicate space, tools and prepare-time to it.

You say dinner is part of it -- do you mean cooking and eating a particular dinner in a particular way? If so, set up everything you need as part of your routine earlier in the week or day. Maybe you need to shop on Sundays to make sure the fridge has what you need; maybe portion out the ingredients in advance and make sure the kitchen, and the cooking utensils you need, are clean in the morning so everything's ready to go for you at night.

Ditto the exercises. Do you have a dedicated mat (or whatever you need) in a clean and inviting space? Whatever exercise clothes you need? (I don't know how many years it took me to grok that if I was going to be a regular-exercise person, I needed to invest in exercise clothes that really worked, and enough of them that I wouldn't have to take days off because something was in the laundry.) If you need music, get whatever equipment you need, set up in your space. If that means buying a dedicated set of earbuds or charger or whatever so you never have to waste time and initiative going to look for it, do that.

Basically eliminate the obstacles in advance, then when it's time to Do The Thing it's easy and inviting to do it.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:21 AM on July 19, 2018 [3 favorites]


Sarah Von Bargen of the Yes and Yes blog has started some online modules (both free and paid) related to building good habits. It's pretty good stuff.

One of the biggest takeaways I got was the idea of the "bookmark habit", which is basically the bare minimum version of any of your good habits that you can lean on in times of low willpower or a change in evening routine. The idea is that even if you didn't do exactly what you wanted/needed to, you still did SOMETHING that was in the ballpark of your good habit, so it doesn't feel so much like you "broke the chain" by not doing anything at all.

Ex: if you have "full 10-step Korean skin care" on your good habit list but just CANNOT with that one evening? A bookmark habit might be "use those makeup face remover wipes in your bedside table" or something. If you usually stretch for half an hour before bed, maybe create a back-up, five minute quickie routine you can do instead. If you want to wash the dishes before bed, maybe your bookmark habit is "wash my coffee mug for tomorrow morning" or something.

Whatever the bookmark habit is, it has to be so incredibly basic, easy, and quick to do that to NOT do it would be kind of silly. Like, seriously, you don't have 30 seconds to run a washcloth over your face? Or wash a single coffee mug for the morning? Having bookmark habits has been very helpful for me when I've got that tired-but-wired feeling at night where I KNOW I need to go to bed instead of lay on the couch scrolling through my phone but UGH I'd have to get up, wash my face, brush my teeth, etc. Knowing that I've got a back up plan that involves a bare minimum of effort has been extremely valuable in my ongoing quest to go to bed on time.
posted by helloimjennsco at 8:26 AM on July 19, 2018 [17 favorites]


You know the habits you need to enforce. A great way to strengthen habits is to use a star chart. Yeah, makes you feel like you're 6, but it is effective. Calendar on the wall where you can see it Every night that you follow the habit, put a check on the calendar. When you have any 4 check marks, you get a star on the calendar. Srsly, get some stickers or rubber stamps. Additionally, when you have 5 check marks in a row, star. When you have 5 stars, you get a small reward, and a big star. Chocolate truffle, a new color of gel pen, lip balm in a new flavor, fancy coffee. Rewards work best when they are pretty immediate. When you get 5 big stars, you get a bigger reward, a book you've been wanting, silly/nicer socks that you wouldn't usually spend on. The visual chart full of check marks and stars is motivating, and the rewards reinforce it.

Paying attention to this because I let my sleep habits get stupid during a really bad period, and it's very hard to retrain.
posted by theora55 at 9:12 AM on July 19, 2018 [4 favorites]


I wonder if learning a bit about Gretchen Rubin's Four Tendencies could help you figure out how to make this happen. It has to do with how you respond to inner and outer expectations and it could help you figure out a solution that works for your personality.
posted by purple_bird at 9:34 AM on July 19, 2018


I'm a fan of verbal rituals. Something to say to yourself that states and reinforces your intention to take care of yourself and be compassionate for yourself. That kind of thing helps me overcome the resistance to doing something that I know intellectually is good for me and is something I know I'll feel good about having done, even when I totally don't feel like doing it (because I'm in a foul mood or I'm sunk into negative thoughts or I'm being lazy).
posted by kokaku at 11:43 AM on July 19, 2018 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: Thank you everyone who answered. I feel very touched and inspired. I hope to sit down with a notebook later today and organise these leads into some practical, life-changing actions.

KW
posted by King_Wang at 4:23 AM on July 20, 2018


« Older How can I stop feeling so sad/upset about men...   |   Discussion-based Podcasts Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.