Clothes/shoes shopping for plus sized woman with cognitive difficulties
July 16, 2018 4:01 AM Subscribe
Sizing systems are weird.
My therapist has arranged for a social worker to help me with some of my shopping because I've been too slow to get my disability back pay spent.
From what I've read, it sounds like even average sized/small people and mentally abled people find clothes/shoe shopping confusing, but being plus sized and having cognitive issues adds extra difficulties for me.
The only measurement that I know of is that I have a 48 inch bust. That was around a year ago, but it's probably the same, since I weigh about the same. Should I get more measurements before buying clothes or shoes? I'm currently wearing size 11 shoes from Walmart, but my therapist thinks that I'll need to be measured to buy higher quality shoes.
I know that clothing stores have size charts, but they don't make sense to me. Aside from how different stores have different measurements for the same sizes, my experience with the one store I've bought clothes from since actually being able to afford to buy clothes (I used to be stuck with ill fitting hand me downs) and other peoples' experiences that I've read about make it seem like these charts may be inaccurate. For example, I've bought three of Woman Within's 2x dresses, which people have said look like they fit me, but their size chart says that their 2x fits people with a 53 or 55 inch bust. Huh, what's that about?
I've read similar stories, such as someone with a 36 inch bust who writes that they wear a 2x bralette from Torid. According to Torrid's size chart, they shouldn't even fit a 00 bralette, yet they wear a 2x, which is a pretty big difference. The people who shared these experiences for the most part didn't even seem surprised or confused about it. They sounded casual.
I'm too confused and stressed to even formulate much of a question - all I can think of to say is, what's all this crap about, and how do I manage to work with these bizarre sizing systems to buy what I need to put together a wardrobe that would make me passable in society? Actually, I hope for even more than passable - items that are cute or even beautiful, and comfortable.
Overall, this question is more general, but if anyone knows specifically about Torrid, here are a couple of items from there that I'd like to get:
dress with beautiful red rose pattern
light pink bralette that looks super soft. I find bras too difficult to get on/off, so I hope to use this as a substitute. I've read about people with even larger breasts than mine using bralettes.
I have enough back pay that I can afford to make mistakes ordering online, but I also urgently need more clothes, since I only have three outfits right now, but I only feel up to doing a machine load once a week. My therapist thinks that wearing my outfits for 2-3 days in a row to fit my ideal laundry schedule isn't quite up to snuff for society's hygiene expectations. PLEASE be gentle about hygiene comments or even just skip over them, because I'm already humiliated about my issues with that stuff and am trying really hard to improve. The social worker is willing to work with me for around four months. She's willing to drive me places. She knows my therapist and they're willing to have some meetings with all three of us.
It's tempting to start experimenting with buying clothes/shoes online now because I'm so stressed about how my lack of wardrobe could make people judge me etc and just want to get it out of my hair, but I also want to be reasonably wise/informed about how I spend my money, so I'll try to sit tight until maybe some replies come in here and/or I talk to the social worker or someone like that.
My therapist has arranged for a social worker to help me with some of my shopping because I've been too slow to get my disability back pay spent.
From what I've read, it sounds like even average sized/small people and mentally abled people find clothes/shoe shopping confusing, but being plus sized and having cognitive issues adds extra difficulties for me.
The only measurement that I know of is that I have a 48 inch bust. That was around a year ago, but it's probably the same, since I weigh about the same. Should I get more measurements before buying clothes or shoes? I'm currently wearing size 11 shoes from Walmart, but my therapist thinks that I'll need to be measured to buy higher quality shoes.
I know that clothing stores have size charts, but they don't make sense to me. Aside from how different stores have different measurements for the same sizes, my experience with the one store I've bought clothes from since actually being able to afford to buy clothes (I used to be stuck with ill fitting hand me downs) and other peoples' experiences that I've read about make it seem like these charts may be inaccurate. For example, I've bought three of Woman Within's 2x dresses, which people have said look like they fit me, but their size chart says that their 2x fits people with a 53 or 55 inch bust. Huh, what's that about?
I've read similar stories, such as someone with a 36 inch bust who writes that they wear a 2x bralette from Torid. According to Torrid's size chart, they shouldn't even fit a 00 bralette, yet they wear a 2x, which is a pretty big difference. The people who shared these experiences for the most part didn't even seem surprised or confused about it. They sounded casual.
I'm too confused and stressed to even formulate much of a question - all I can think of to say is, what's all this crap about, and how do I manage to work with these bizarre sizing systems to buy what I need to put together a wardrobe that would make me passable in society? Actually, I hope for even more than passable - items that are cute or even beautiful, and comfortable.
Overall, this question is more general, but if anyone knows specifically about Torrid, here are a couple of items from there that I'd like to get:
dress with beautiful red rose pattern
light pink bralette that looks super soft. I find bras too difficult to get on/off, so I hope to use this as a substitute. I've read about people with even larger breasts than mine using bralettes.
I have enough back pay that I can afford to make mistakes ordering online, but I also urgently need more clothes, since I only have three outfits right now, but I only feel up to doing a machine load once a week. My therapist thinks that wearing my outfits for 2-3 days in a row to fit my ideal laundry schedule isn't quite up to snuff for society's hygiene expectations. PLEASE be gentle about hygiene comments or even just skip over them, because I'm already humiliated about my issues with that stuff and am trying really hard to improve. The social worker is willing to work with me for around four months. She's willing to drive me places. She knows my therapist and they're willing to have some meetings with all three of us.
It's tempting to start experimenting with buying clothes/shoes online now because I'm so stressed about how my lack of wardrobe could make people judge me etc and just want to get it out of my hair, but I also want to be reasonably wise/informed about how I spend my money, so I'll try to sit tight until maybe some replies come in here and/or I talk to the social worker or someone like that.
Also — it will save time and energy if you replicate the outfits you know work for you. Not identically, but this sounds like a good time to get _more_ t-shirts and jeans combos, or whatever works best for you.
Good luck! I feel for you!
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 4:13 AM on July 16, 2018 [2 favorites]
Good luck! I feel for you!
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 4:13 AM on July 16, 2018 [2 favorites]
Finally, some places like Chico’s or Torrid have different sizing schemes altogether! So the 00 from Torrid isn’t intended to be the 00 from J Crew.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 4:14 AM on July 16, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 4:14 AM on July 16, 2018 [3 favorites]
Try things on in store, and when you find something you like, that fits, buy it in two or three colours, that cuts way down the number of different things you have to find.
posted by penguin pie at 4:16 AM on July 16, 2018 [19 favorites]
posted by penguin pie at 4:16 AM on July 16, 2018 [19 favorites]
Women’s clothing sizing is totally confusing, it’s not just you! Sizes vary from store to store, size charts don’t always match the actual clothing, and even within one store one XL shirt might be a different size from another XL shirt. People who have the same size bodies might also prefer to wear different sizes of clothing - one might prefer a fitted look and another a sleek look.
Since the social worker can drive you around, it sounds like you’ll be able to go to stores. Is there a Torrid or other store you like near you? I think you’ll probably do best trying things on in person, so that you don’t need to figuring out sizing from charts online. Once you get to the store, walk around with the social worker and find things you like. You can ask the social worker or a store employee if they can suggest what sizes to try. If I don’t have a good sense of what size will fit, I like to bring 2-3 sizes into the dressing room with me to try on.
If you want to order some things online, how about meeting with the social worker and bringing a measuring tape? The social worker can help you measure yourself and look at the size charts and figure out what sizes to buy.
posted by insectosaurus at 4:23 AM on July 16, 2018 [4 favorites]
Since the social worker can drive you around, it sounds like you’ll be able to go to stores. Is there a Torrid or other store you like near you? I think you’ll probably do best trying things on in person, so that you don’t need to figuring out sizing from charts online. Once you get to the store, walk around with the social worker and find things you like. You can ask the social worker or a store employee if they can suggest what sizes to try. If I don’t have a good sense of what size will fit, I like to bring 2-3 sizes into the dressing room with me to try on.
If you want to order some things online, how about meeting with the social worker and bringing a measuring tape? The social worker can help you measure yourself and look at the size charts and figure out what sizes to buy.
posted by insectosaurus at 4:23 AM on July 16, 2018 [4 favorites]
Sizing charts are fiction. Try the same item in a couple of sizes, and return the ones that don't fit. Even if something technically should fit according to the chart, slight differences in the style, or the cut, or how it was put together, or a tiny error in your measurement could make it not work right for your body. And every retailer will have a different chart, so 2x at one place will not be the same as 2x at a different place.
I buy most of my clothes online. What works for me is finding a few retailers I like, and then buying exclusively from them (usually when they have sales). I also will buy multiples of the same item in different colors/patterns. So I've developed a kind of "uniform", where I have several pants and blouses for work that I can rotate through the week. I can usually wear the same pants twice between washing, although not the same days in a row. It's hot here now, so I don't usually wear the same shirt twice before washing because I tend to sweat a lot.
I have a similar body to you, it sounds like. I like Land's End for my work clothes and occasionally for jeans, and Lee Riders for most of my jeans.
For shoes - I have found that Asics fits my feet the best. So again, it might be helpful to find a brand of shoes that you know works for your feet. And you can possibly supplement with higher-quality insoles if necessary. (I like Spenco Total Support Max Shoe Insoles.)
posted by SuperSquirrel at 4:25 AM on July 16, 2018 [5 favorites]
I buy most of my clothes online. What works for me is finding a few retailers I like, and then buying exclusively from them (usually when they have sales). I also will buy multiples of the same item in different colors/patterns. So I've developed a kind of "uniform", where I have several pants and blouses for work that I can rotate through the week. I can usually wear the same pants twice between washing, although not the same days in a row. It's hot here now, so I don't usually wear the same shirt twice before washing because I tend to sweat a lot.
I have a similar body to you, it sounds like. I like Land's End for my work clothes and occasionally for jeans, and Lee Riders for most of my jeans.
For shoes - I have found that Asics fits my feet the best. So again, it might be helpful to find a brand of shoes that you know works for your feet. And you can possibly supplement with higher-quality insoles if necessary. (I like Spenco Total Support Max Shoe Insoles.)
posted by SuperSquirrel at 4:25 AM on July 16, 2018 [5 favorites]
Also, regarding bralettes - you can definitely wear them no matter the size of your breasts! If you have larger breasts, a lightweight bralette won’t provide as much lift, shaping, or support as an underwired bra. If you’re fine with that, bralettes will work for you - it’s just a matter of personal choice. Personally, I wear regular bras some of the time and bralettes some of the time.
posted by insectosaurus at 4:29 AM on July 16, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by insectosaurus at 4:29 AM on July 16, 2018 [3 favorites]
Yes, sizing is crazy. I wore shirts in 4 (xs to L) different full step sizes to work last week. Different shirts are cut differently and work differently on your body, so you just have to try stuff on.
You need a couple good bras. I vote you go to the bra store first. You can just pick up cotton underwear bottoms from Wal-Mart imo.
Maybe also consider LuLaRoe type clothing. My weight fluctuates and I have a larger chest. Dresses with leggings are flattering on me and it doesn't matter if I gain or lose five or ten pounds. Leggings with a dress are one uniform you can try on. Don't feel bad when stuff doesn't work at first. I probably try on five things at the store (often in more than one size) to buy one thing. It's hard work and I'm glad you've got some support.
posted by Kalmya at 4:34 AM on July 16, 2018 [5 favorites]
You need a couple good bras. I vote you go to the bra store first. You can just pick up cotton underwear bottoms from Wal-Mart imo.
Maybe also consider LuLaRoe type clothing. My weight fluctuates and I have a larger chest. Dresses with leggings are flattering on me and it doesn't matter if I gain or lose five or ten pounds. Leggings with a dress are one uniform you can try on. Don't feel bad when stuff doesn't work at first. I probably try on five things at the store (often in more than one size) to buy one thing. It's hard work and I'm glad you've got some support.
posted by Kalmya at 4:34 AM on July 16, 2018 [5 favorites]
Sizing is crazy inconsistent, even within the same brand, sometimes even within the exact same row of clothes because somebody got lazy with sewing tolerances. It's not you! It's them!
Going into a store to try things on is really the best way, but I often order online too - I use a credit card, order a bunch of stuff and order multiple sizes of everything, and then return all the stuff that doesn't fit. I do check out the measurement charts, but only as a vague sort of guideline including the sizes either side. However, only do this if you know that you WILL return all that extra stuff, within a week. Otherwise it's not worth risking getting stuck with a bunch of clothes that don't fit you. I've known too many people with clothes sitting around that never fit that they forgot to return, so if you think that's you either don't do it or see if your social worker can help package stuff back up and post it for you?
When I do go irl shopping, wearing slip on shoes and clothes that are easy to take on and off - think leggings or skirts rather than jeans - makes the experience a whole lot less miserable. Grab multiple sizes of things to try on if you like them. Don't feel discouraged if you try on a bunch of stuff and none of it fits - again, it's not you, that's just the horrible reality of clothes shopping. Ask me about the time I tried to buy jeans, spent hours trying them on at every store I could find, and still returned home empty handed. Anything with some stretch and drape tends to be way, way more forgiving, so maybe look for that stuff.
(Also, I often wear the same outfit 2-3 days in a row and only change my socks and underwear, especially if I don't leave the house. Don't feel too bad)
posted by stillnocturnal at 4:59 AM on July 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
Going into a store to try things on is really the best way, but I often order online too - I use a credit card, order a bunch of stuff and order multiple sizes of everything, and then return all the stuff that doesn't fit. I do check out the measurement charts, but only as a vague sort of guideline including the sizes either side. However, only do this if you know that you WILL return all that extra stuff, within a week. Otherwise it's not worth risking getting stuck with a bunch of clothes that don't fit you. I've known too many people with clothes sitting around that never fit that they forgot to return, so if you think that's you either don't do it or see if your social worker can help package stuff back up and post it for you?
When I do go irl shopping, wearing slip on shoes and clothes that are easy to take on and off - think leggings or skirts rather than jeans - makes the experience a whole lot less miserable. Grab multiple sizes of things to try on if you like them. Don't feel discouraged if you try on a bunch of stuff and none of it fits - again, it's not you, that's just the horrible reality of clothes shopping. Ask me about the time I tried to buy jeans, spent hours trying them on at every store I could find, and still returned home empty handed. Anything with some stretch and drape tends to be way, way more forgiving, so maybe look for that stuff.
(Also, I often wear the same outfit 2-3 days in a row and only change my socks and underwear, especially if I don't leave the house. Don't feel too bad)
posted by stillnocturnal at 4:59 AM on July 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
Are there still nice stores where the salespeople know their stock and how things fit and can help you? I worked in such a store, and always told people that they wear 3 different sizes depending on the brand and cut, whether they were a size 2 or size 20. Once we found something that worked, I would bring more of the same into the dressing room for the woman to try on. I hope you find some things to wear that fit right and make you feel good.
posted by mermayd at 5:17 AM on July 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by mermayd at 5:17 AM on July 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
One hack, if you have a top or dress and pants that fit you is to lay them flat and measure their width just under the sleeve holes and in the widest point of the hips. Take a tape measure with you - you can easily measure clothes on hangers in those places and that'll be your baseline for which size to take into the fitting room, no matter what that is in numbers or letters. For elastic clothing also take one size down, for structured clothes (jeans, jackets) one size up. And be prepared to put back 80% of what you try on - this is good, you're learning what physical sizes and styles work on you.
For shoes, start with 11 and be ready to go up or down. Don't accept ill fitting shoes even if the length is right, the orthopaedic problems aren't worth it.
posted by I claim sanctuary at 5:53 AM on July 16, 2018 [4 favorites]
For shoes, start with 11 and be ready to go up or down. Don't accept ill fitting shoes even if the length is right, the orthopaedic problems aren't worth it.
posted by I claim sanctuary at 5:53 AM on July 16, 2018 [4 favorites]
Sizing is a pain. I hate shopping. My trick is to find my size in certain brands and then later buy online. So I know I am a certain shoe size in Merrill and a certain size in adidas, and then I just stick to those brands. My favorite aay to shop because of this is to go to TJ Maxx. They divide the store by clothes and by size, s I go to the trouser rack, then go to roughly my size, and then look through the items that are there. They are usually lots of different brands so it lets me get an idea of what different brands I might like or might fit without having to go to lots of stores.
posted by Iteki at 6:08 AM on July 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Iteki at 6:08 AM on July 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
To answer the actual question of "what's up with that" - even in a world where women's clothing sizing was completely consistent, a bust measurement still wouldn't be sufficient information to fit you into all types of clothing. Since women who are otherwise similarly sized can have widely varying breast sizes, any shirt measurement which only includes a bust measurement is making an assumption about the wearer's breast to shoulder to waist ratio.
For this reason - and I say this as someone whose weight has been fluctuating a lot recently - it can be a lot more productive and anxiety-reducing to just grab three or four or five sizes of the exact same thing and try them all on, without worrying about which size is technically 'correct.'
Right this moment, I have a pair of Brand A pants marked 'size 10' which fit me perfectly and a couple Brand B pairs marked 'size 12' which are too small. I'd need to buy a size 14 in the second brand in order to find pants that fit me, while in the other brand, size 10 is perfect. I think this is because Brand B assumes that someone with my thighs would have a more tapered waist, while Brand A assumes the wearer has a more straight-up-and-down figure.
posted by showbiz_liz at 6:41 AM on July 16, 2018 [6 favorites]
For this reason - and I say this as someone whose weight has been fluctuating a lot recently - it can be a lot more productive and anxiety-reducing to just grab three or four or five sizes of the exact same thing and try them all on, without worrying about which size is technically 'correct.'
Right this moment, I have a pair of Brand A pants marked 'size 10' which fit me perfectly and a couple Brand B pairs marked 'size 12' which are too small. I'd need to buy a size 14 in the second brand in order to find pants that fit me, while in the other brand, size 10 is perfect. I think this is because Brand B assumes that someone with my thighs would have a more tapered waist, while Brand A assumes the wearer has a more straight-up-and-down figure.
posted by showbiz_liz at 6:41 AM on July 16, 2018 [6 favorites]
The key to shopping for clothing, at least for me, is to attempt to cultivate a mental state where you don’t feel super invested in whether a particular item of clothing fits, but are still invested enough to not purchase any item that doesn’t fit you well. And to try on a ton of sizes. I don’t even find within-store sizing consistent enough to order things online unless it’s the exact same style as something I’ve tried on/owned before. And even then sometimes fit will change by season. In stores that have someone monitoring the changing room, I’ve tried to get more comfortable with taking that person up on the offer to go find a new size or three. They offer because they know this is a problem, I figure, so I should probably get over my usual aversion to interaction with strangers in public and let them go find me some pants that might fit.
posted by deludingmyself at 6:41 AM on July 16, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by deludingmyself at 6:41 AM on July 16, 2018 [2 favorites]
Macy's Personal Shopper. Consider Macy's personal shopper service - it's free, there is no minimum to spend, and the shopper will do all the sizing work for you. So you just need to hang out in the dressing room, and she'll bring you a few selected options in your size and price range
posted by MrsBell at 6:45 AM on July 16, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by MrsBell at 6:45 AM on July 16, 2018 [4 favorites]
Another tip: if there are thrift stores near you which have a decent amount of plus-size clothing, it can be really worthwhile to go to one and just try on anything that you like or that you think might fit you, without looking at the labels at all. Since usually there's just one of every item anyway, this can help get you out of the "I have to find the correct size" mindset and into the "I just want to find something that fits my body regardless of the listed size" mindset. Afterwards, you can check out the labels of the items you bought and see what they say, which will be useful info as you continue building your wardrobe.
posted by showbiz_liz at 6:46 AM on July 16, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by showbiz_liz at 6:46 AM on July 16, 2018 [5 favorites]
I'll add to the chorus that sizing is maddening and women shoppers are not well-served by the various systems.
I have a friend who is exceptionally well put-together and she's taken me shopping in the past. She doesn't believe in spending tons of money, but she taught me to just try on all the things. Don't analyze carefully to see if it's worth trying on, just put it in the pile to bring to the dressing room. But once in the dressing room, be discerning and only buy the items that look really great on you. I am still not a great shopper (I get kinda overwhelmed by all the choice) but when I keep her advice in mind I have more success.
posted by stowaway at 6:48 AM on July 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
I have a friend who is exceptionally well put-together and she's taken me shopping in the past. She doesn't believe in spending tons of money, but she taught me to just try on all the things. Don't analyze carefully to see if it's worth trying on, just put it in the pile to bring to the dressing room. But once in the dressing room, be discerning and only buy the items that look really great on you. I am still not a great shopper (I get kinda overwhelmed by all the choice) but when I keep her advice in mind I have more success.
posted by stowaway at 6:48 AM on July 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
Seconding showbiz_liz. Do you have a thrift store with a plus-size rack? I find it a lot easier to try on stuff in secondhand stores. Nobody's paying attention to you like they do at boutiques, for one thing. You just drag your stuff in there and try it all on, and as long as you don't walk out with anything you didn't pay for, the staff is fine with it all and they don't try to "help" you constantly. For another thing, everything's, like, seven dollars. If I were you, I'd go get a boatload of stuff at thriftstores and then once you've got enough clothes to make it to laundry day without re-wearing things too often for the social worker's taste, add a few fancy "interview" things bought new--though you could get lucky at the thrift store, you never know.
I just bought a truckload of stuff onliine from e-Shakti, but before that I NEVER bought clothes new. Like seriously never, like not since I was in high school in the eighties. I hate the mall too much to deal, and buying online seemed dicey for the very reasons you mention. My measurements? How the hell do I know?!? (Turns out that e-Shakti is pretty awesome. When you figure out your size, if you need dresses, they make great ones with generous pockets. Make sure to get cotton, though. They make a ton of stuff out of poly, and nobody needs that in their life.)
posted by Don Pepino at 7:43 AM on July 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
I just bought a truckload of stuff onliine from e-Shakti, but before that I NEVER bought clothes new. Like seriously never, like not since I was in high school in the eighties. I hate the mall too much to deal, and buying online seemed dicey for the very reasons you mention. My measurements? How the hell do I know?!? (Turns out that e-Shakti is pretty awesome. When you figure out your size, if you need dresses, they make great ones with generous pockets. Make sure to get cotton, though. They make a ton of stuff out of poly, and nobody needs that in their life.)
posted by Don Pepino at 7:43 AM on July 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
Sizing is definitely maddening. Also, something that's non-obvious: There's a lot more differentiation between smaller sizes than larger ones. You could gain or lose fifteen pounds and need to get new clothes at smaller sizes, or gain and lose thirty and still be basically okay in the same clothes at larger sizes. It's all a mess.
I think that in your shoes I would plan to go through some up-front pain with help from your social worker to identify, say, two brands that have a lot of basics that fit you. (This might be something like Target or Avenue, maybe Old Navy, depending on just how plus-sized you are.) Here, you'll probably just have to try things on until you narrow in on what size fits you, there's nothing for that but to give several things a go. Having your social worker will really help here - you can send them to fetch other sizes or colors for you as needed. Think about the size charts as a suggestion of what to try on first, but recognize that you may have to go up or down a size or three before you find what looks and feels okay on your body. These don't have to be items you love, although if they are that's wonderful - these are just basics, a few shirts and pants or skirts, to help you feel less in crisis and to give you a starting point for what your size might be.
After that, when your immediate need is satisfied and you have a starting idea that in at least one store you're a size (whatever), if you want to try more clothes, you'll be in a better position to try online. If you can afford to have to do some returning/exchanging, go ahead and try whatever size fit you in your other new clothes as a starting point. Figuring out any given store's return process can be a pain, but that might be another thing that a therapist or social worker can help you work through.
If a little personal anecdote helps: I am plus size. I have no idea what my measurements are and do not use them to find clothing. I shop mostly from the same four or five stores, where I did a little trial-and-error and returning-stuff at first to figure out what's I am in that store's sizing, and now I know what that store's sizing is like for me and it's much less stressful to buy more things from them than to go through it all again with a new store. If I find something I like, I get it in multiple colors. I am not the most fashionable person around by any stretch of the imagination, but I am comfortable and clean and presentable and my clothing life is minimally stressful now because I have enough basics that now I can afford to buy only what I like and fits me well, instead of being in a panic because I have to buy ANYTHING THAT FITS ME RIGHT NOW.
posted by Stacey at 7:51 AM on July 16, 2018 [2 favorites]
I think that in your shoes I would plan to go through some up-front pain with help from your social worker to identify, say, two brands that have a lot of basics that fit you. (This might be something like Target or Avenue, maybe Old Navy, depending on just how plus-sized you are.) Here, you'll probably just have to try things on until you narrow in on what size fits you, there's nothing for that but to give several things a go. Having your social worker will really help here - you can send them to fetch other sizes or colors for you as needed. Think about the size charts as a suggestion of what to try on first, but recognize that you may have to go up or down a size or three before you find what looks and feels okay on your body. These don't have to be items you love, although if they are that's wonderful - these are just basics, a few shirts and pants or skirts, to help you feel less in crisis and to give you a starting point for what your size might be.
After that, when your immediate need is satisfied and you have a starting idea that in at least one store you're a size (whatever), if you want to try more clothes, you'll be in a better position to try online. If you can afford to have to do some returning/exchanging, go ahead and try whatever size fit you in your other new clothes as a starting point. Figuring out any given store's return process can be a pain, but that might be another thing that a therapist or social worker can help you work through.
If a little personal anecdote helps: I am plus size. I have no idea what my measurements are and do not use them to find clothing. I shop mostly from the same four or five stores, where I did a little trial-and-error and returning-stuff at first to figure out what's I am in that store's sizing, and now I know what that store's sizing is like for me and it's much less stressful to buy more things from them than to go through it all again with a new store. If I find something I like, I get it in multiple colors. I am not the most fashionable person around by any stretch of the imagination, but I am comfortable and clean and presentable and my clothing life is minimally stressful now because I have enough basics that now I can afford to buy only what I like and fits me well, instead of being in a panic because I have to buy ANYTHING THAT FITS ME RIGHT NOW.
posted by Stacey at 7:51 AM on July 16, 2018 [2 favorites]
Fellow plus size lady, if you have the money for it, Gwynniebee is your friend! It is like the old Netflix DVD system, but for clothes, and if you want to buy something you like, it is super easy! When I was having a rough time with mental health it was a lifesaver. You can mail clothes back dirty and just not care about it! See if you like the things before you buy!
posted by corb at 7:57 AM on July 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by corb at 7:57 AM on July 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
Agreeing with everyone about how arbitrary women's sizing is. It's a guessing game for most of us, most of the time!
If you find a piece you like and that suits you, buy multiples. Remember that unless it's something like a wild wild print, no one will notice or care if you wear the "same" shirt three days in a row. I have a bunch of identical black short-sleeved cotton shirts I wear throughout the summer.
As a busty woman myself, I don't think you will be well-served by bralettes, but that's a matter of personal taste.
posted by praemunire at 8:01 AM on July 16, 2018
If you find a piece you like and that suits you, buy multiples. Remember that unless it's something like a wild wild print, no one will notice or care if you wear the "same" shirt three days in a row. I have a bunch of identical black short-sleeved cotton shirts I wear throughout the summer.
As a busty woman myself, I don't think you will be well-served by bralettes, but that's a matter of personal taste.
posted by praemunire at 8:01 AM on July 16, 2018
For ordering online: I get my bras and skirts from Decent Exposures. They work to actual measurements, and they will do custom fitting for you (like cutting the under arm on your bra deeper if you need.)
Their bras come in an 'pull over the head' style like the bralette you link to, and in a front-clasp one, in a range of fabrics. I find the front-clasp a lot easier to manage than doing a back clasp one.
The eyelette and plain cotton fabrics have less support than some of their other fabrics, but are soft, and I'm a D cup and find it as supportive as I need (bodies vary!) They will also replace the elastic band with a less-binding band if you ask. I did that for a while when I had medical issues that made anything binding or restrictive horrible to wear.
I'm short and about your size, so I get my skirts from there so I can get them the length I want (which is about 2 inches shorter than their calf-length would normally come.)
They have great customer support, so if you (or your social worker) emails and or calls and explains what you're looking for, they can point you in the right direction. They also do underwear, basic t-shirts, knit trousers, and shorts. The skirts are fine for my library job: the trousers might be a little casual for some jobs but are fine for wearing out of the house otherwise.
Bonus: they all wear extremely well and are easy to wash with no particular special care. I get 2-3 years of wear out of pieces before they start developing small holes in the pockets or other issues that mean I won't wear them to work, and another year or two around the house.
posted by modernhypatia at 8:20 AM on July 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
Their bras come in an 'pull over the head' style like the bralette you link to, and in a front-clasp one, in a range of fabrics. I find the front-clasp a lot easier to manage than doing a back clasp one.
The eyelette and plain cotton fabrics have less support than some of their other fabrics, but are soft, and I'm a D cup and find it as supportive as I need (bodies vary!) They will also replace the elastic band with a less-binding band if you ask. I did that for a while when I had medical issues that made anything binding or restrictive horrible to wear.
I'm short and about your size, so I get my skirts from there so I can get them the length I want (which is about 2 inches shorter than their calf-length would normally come.)
They have great customer support, so if you (or your social worker) emails and or calls and explains what you're looking for, they can point you in the right direction. They also do underwear, basic t-shirts, knit trousers, and shorts. The skirts are fine for my library job: the trousers might be a little casual for some jobs but are fine for wearing out of the house otherwise.
Bonus: they all wear extremely well and are easy to wash with no particular special care. I get 2-3 years of wear out of pieces before they start developing small holes in the pockets or other issues that mean I won't wear them to work, and another year or two around the house.
posted by modernhypatia at 8:20 AM on July 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
Shopping can be really overwhelming. The size charts are ok as a starting point but often very inaccurate. You really don't know until you try something on.
One thing I really like to do is order a bunch of stuff online from ONE store that has a physical location in my area and offers free returns from online shopping (pretty much all stores should, but you should double-check first). Then you can try everything on in the comfort of your own home and then do a single trip later to return everything that doesn't fit (you could buy more copies of the ones that fit you well at the same time, without needing to try anything on again). I do this at stores like old navy a lot. It's so so much less stressful than shopping in person.
I also order multiple colours in clothes that fit me well, and usually start my shopping at stores where I've found good clothes before. This all cuts down on the time and stress involved. It's tough to start off with but gets much easier once you discover some types of clothes/stores that work well for you.
posted by randomnity at 11:13 AM on July 16, 2018 [2 favorites]
One thing I really like to do is order a bunch of stuff online from ONE store that has a physical location in my area and offers free returns from online shopping (pretty much all stores should, but you should double-check first). Then you can try everything on in the comfort of your own home and then do a single trip later to return everything that doesn't fit (you could buy more copies of the ones that fit you well at the same time, without needing to try anything on again). I do this at stores like old navy a lot. It's so so much less stressful than shopping in person.
I also order multiple colours in clothes that fit me well, and usually start my shopping at stores where I've found good clothes before. This all cuts down on the time and stress involved. It's tough to start off with but gets much easier once you discover some types of clothes/stores that work well for you.
posted by randomnity at 11:13 AM on July 16, 2018 [2 favorites]
Somewhat perpendicular advice but while you are acquiring more clothes, alternate your existing outfits instead of wearing them multiple days in a row. Hang them up in between wearings so they get a chance to de-wrinkle and air out. All else being equal, your clothes will stay fresher (with the same amount of laundering) if you wear them 1-2-3-1-2-3-1-2-3 instead of 1-1-1-2-2-2-3-3-3.
I hope this isn't overstepping the bounds of the question but I wanted to state that wearing stuff multiple times before washing is totally normal. Exactly how many times depends on your body chemistry and how active your lifestyle is, of course, but if it doesn't smell, no one knows!
posted by yeahlikethat at 11:47 AM on July 16, 2018 [5 favorites]
I hope this isn't overstepping the bounds of the question but I wanted to state that wearing stuff multiple times before washing is totally normal. Exactly how many times depends on your body chemistry and how active your lifestyle is, of course, but if it doesn't smell, no one knows!
posted by yeahlikethat at 11:47 AM on July 16, 2018 [5 favorites]
With regard to shoes: if you go to a department store (like Macy's) with a shoe department, or to many standalone shoe stores, their sales person will be happy to measure your feet for length and width and help find your size. Then they will bring out the shoe you like in that size and you will try it on. They will feel for your foot through the shoe to check the size, then you can walk around the department to feel if it is rubbing anywhere on your foot. If you don't know what proper fitting shoes should feel like, you can ask the sales person and they can guide you through a series of questions. If they don't have that particular shoe in your size, they will likely have at least one shoe from the same brand that you can try on, and then order the one you like.
Your social worker should be able to help you find shoe stores where the sales person knows how to fit a shoe.
posted by muddgirl at 11:52 AM on July 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
Your social worker should be able to help you find shoe stores where the sales person knows how to fit a shoe.
posted by muddgirl at 11:52 AM on July 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
Second thought: I've not tried them so can't recommend personally, but came across them recently and they just sprang to mind again WRT your question - Hope fashion make women's clothing in much broader, more general size/shape bands, designed to be loser fitting, so they don't have to fit perfectly in every dimension and can fit more than one dress size (note: the sizes it refers to are UK rather than US so you'd have to convert but you can find conversions pretty easily online).
A little pricey but if you have cash backed up, might be worth a look.
(On further investigation: Because they're British, looks like the returns procedure/timeline might be more complicated that you'll want to bother with, but will leave this here in case any Brits with similar problems happen this way in future).
posted by penguin pie at 1:36 PM on July 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
A little pricey but if you have cash backed up, might be worth a look.
(On further investigation: Because they're British, looks like the returns procedure/timeline might be more complicated that you'll want to bother with, but will leave this here in case any Brits with similar problems happen this way in future).
posted by penguin pie at 1:36 PM on July 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
I agree with everyone else that sizing is crap and varies widely.
Before the internet, I would go to a store, put my hair in a ponytail and grab like 3 sizes of every garment I wanted to try on. I would also pack some snacks and a water bottle because those helped when I felt overwhelmed.
Now I tend to order online from a place where I can easily return stuff in person. If I find something I like, I buy it in multiples. I use the sizing guides online as a general starting point and order a size up too usually. I also skim reviews in case lots of people say something fits small or big, etc. I use my bust, waist and hip measurements. My hips are biggest part of me, so when in doubt, I pick the size that is supposed to fit them.
If I had someone willing to drive me around, I might do more shopping in person. Also, your social worker can help you gauge whether something fits well or not and can fetch you more sizes and colors while you're in the dressing room.
Re: rewearing clothes--I wear pants, jeans and skirts multiple times in a row, but usually have to wash shirts after wearing them once. Everybody is different though! I sniff clothing before putting it on if I am uncertain.
I hope you find some clothes you like that are comfortable and that you want to wear. Remember that you don't have to do it all at once. If you find only one item on a trip, that's ok.
posted by purple_bird at 2:25 PM on July 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
Before the internet, I would go to a store, put my hair in a ponytail and grab like 3 sizes of every garment I wanted to try on. I would also pack some snacks and a water bottle because those helped when I felt overwhelmed.
Now I tend to order online from a place where I can easily return stuff in person. If I find something I like, I buy it in multiples. I use the sizing guides online as a general starting point and order a size up too usually. I also skim reviews in case lots of people say something fits small or big, etc. I use my bust, waist and hip measurements. My hips are biggest part of me, so when in doubt, I pick the size that is supposed to fit them.
If I had someone willing to drive me around, I might do more shopping in person. Also, your social worker can help you gauge whether something fits well or not and can fetch you more sizes and colors while you're in the dressing room.
Re: rewearing clothes--I wear pants, jeans and skirts multiple times in a row, but usually have to wash shirts after wearing them once. Everybody is different though! I sniff clothing before putting it on if I am uncertain.
I hope you find some clothes you like that are comfortable and that you want to wear. Remember that you don't have to do it all at once. If you find only one item on a trip, that's ok.
posted by purple_bird at 2:25 PM on July 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
I shop online quite a lot and often buy 2 or 3 sizes of an item to try on if I'm not familiar with a store's sizing peculiarities. So I make sure to take a look at the return policies before spending the money.
wearing my outfits for 2-3 days in a row to fit my ideal laundry schedule isn't quite up to snuff for society's hygiene expectations.
I wear all my clothes 2 to 3 times before washing (unless I spill something on them), and to keep coworkers and people I see everyday from noticing, I don't wear the same shirt two days in a row, but about once every three days. (so I'd wear a shirt on Monday and again on Thursday, and wash it on the weekend, if that makes sense)
I wear the same pants 2 days in a row because I found a company that makes pants to order to my measurements and ordered all my pants from them, in black and grey, so nobody knows because my pants are always black or grey.
posted by telophase at 3:35 PM on July 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
wearing my outfits for 2-3 days in a row to fit my ideal laundry schedule isn't quite up to snuff for society's hygiene expectations.
I wear all my clothes 2 to 3 times before washing (unless I spill something on them), and to keep coworkers and people I see everyday from noticing, I don't wear the same shirt two days in a row, but about once every three days. (so I'd wear a shirt on Monday and again on Thursday, and wash it on the weekend, if that makes sense)
I wear the same pants 2 days in a row because I found a company that makes pants to order to my measurements and ordered all my pants from them, in black and grey, so nobody knows because my pants are always black or grey.
posted by telophase at 3:35 PM on July 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
It's not you; it's them. The women's fashion industry has always been focused around "small slim women come in three distinct sizes; everyone else just gets some randomly large number," and it's gotten worse recently, especially with cheap import clothes. (Shoe sizing says I wear a 7 or 7½. At Payless, I shop in the 7s section. But I have two pair of "size 9" shoes from other places that fit fine.)
eshakti's size charts are accurate; I buy dresses to match my hip measurement and it works fine. If my other measurements were drastically different from their others at that size, I'd pay the extra $10 for full customized sizing. (I love eshakti; I have several dresses from them, and a couple of jumpsuits.)
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 5:45 PM on July 16, 2018
eshakti's size charts are accurate; I buy dresses to match my hip measurement and it works fine. If my other measurements were drastically different from their others at that size, I'd pay the extra $10 for full customized sizing. (I love eshakti; I have several dresses from them, and a couple of jumpsuits.)
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 5:45 PM on July 16, 2018
About rewearing clothes:
It's generally okay to rewear clothes a couple times before washing them as long as you haven't sweated outrageously or gotten them otherwise dirty (like done gardening in them or spilled food on them.) Just give each article of clothing a chance to air out for a day in between. That way any moisture can dry completely and environmental smells can dissipate, which helps both for hygiene and keeps the construction of clothes stronger for longer.
Best practice is normally to lay things out on a chair or hang them on a hanger so wrinkles don't form and air can pass evenly over the clothing. This is especially good for bras, which can become ill-fitting the more often you wash them, but need extra airing out because they're worn close to the body and sweated on a lot.
My one caveat is that you should wear a clean pair of underpants every day, but that's as simple as having as many pairs of underpants as you have days between laundry, plus a couple extras for insurance. Just get all matching ones and don't think on it further.
So I think that your therapist is right to say not to wear outfits a few days in a row, but I think they are wrong to imply that you can't rewear clothes before washing them. Just shuffle the outfits so you wear different ones on consecutive days.
posted by Mizu at 7:20 PM on July 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
It's generally okay to rewear clothes a couple times before washing them as long as you haven't sweated outrageously or gotten them otherwise dirty (like done gardening in them or spilled food on them.) Just give each article of clothing a chance to air out for a day in between. That way any moisture can dry completely and environmental smells can dissipate, which helps both for hygiene and keeps the construction of clothes stronger for longer.
Best practice is normally to lay things out on a chair or hang them on a hanger so wrinkles don't form and air can pass evenly over the clothing. This is especially good for bras, which can become ill-fitting the more often you wash them, but need extra airing out because they're worn close to the body and sweated on a lot.
My one caveat is that you should wear a clean pair of underpants every day, but that's as simple as having as many pairs of underpants as you have days between laundry, plus a couple extras for insurance. Just get all matching ones and don't think on it further.
So I think that your therapist is right to say not to wear outfits a few days in a row, but I think they are wrong to imply that you can't rewear clothes before washing them. Just shuffle the outfits so you wear different ones on consecutive days.
posted by Mizu at 7:20 PM on July 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks for the advice, everyone. I'll try on clothes/shoes at places like you said to get a better idea of what fits at these companies. In a way, I feel silly now that I didn't think of that, lol. Since I haven't really had the chance to buy clothes until very recently, though, I find it understandable that I didn't think of it before, and your advice helped me relax about Operation Wardrobe.
posted by Psychology Hearts at 5:07 PM on July 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Psychology Hearts at 5:07 PM on July 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I think the best solution is just trying things on. It seems so inefficient, doesn’t it? But here’s what I’d do: have your social worker drive you to a few places, and be willing to try on a bunch of things. I certainly grab a bunch of sizes in each item.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 4:11 AM on July 16, 2018 [13 favorites]