Should I get involved in this custody situation?
July 10, 2018 5:28 AM Subscribe
My son is friends with another boy whose mom is in a messy custody situation. I may be able to help but should I? Please help me figure this out.
Our kids are best buds but I am not super close with the mom. I really like her as a person and I believe she is a good mom but we are just not like-minded individuals (she talks about wanting to become a manager in her small town so she can spite some mean girls from years ago, she is a Trump supporter... we just don't mesh).
She was raising her son as a single mom but then the dad moved closer and eventually moved in so he could co-parent. We got really unpleasant vibes from the dad, he was hard to talk to and kind of a dark cloud (nothing definitive though, just constant aggressive-ish undertones).
Fast-forward a year, the dad is out of the picture, the mom has a new fiancee that seems like a nice guy, and the ex is harassing her and using the son to do so. Specifically, the ex wants custody which mom believes will be bad for the child (ex is very adversarial, tells the kid bad things about mom, ex's sole motivation for custody is spite, and so on). Family court is involved, with a hearing soon. So this is where I may be able to help?
When mom and dad were still together, there was one "incident". Our son stayed at their place for a sleepover and next day told me that he saw the dad's penis. I carefully inquired further to see if this was intentional exposure or worse. Of course it was unclear, most likely the dad got drunk and walked around naked - not ideal by any means but also probably not intentional, who knows? I consulted with my husband since I tend to be a hyper alert mother but he was very suspect about it too and we decided that we wouldn't allow further sleep overs.
So the question is, should I offer the mom to testify about this? Obviously I am holding the child's interest at heart but I also have to think about my family. My concerns are:
1) Apparently the ex was harassing the fiancee to the point where fiancee was able to obtain an order of protection to stop the ex from going to his place of residence. If I testify against him, the ex will hold a huge grudge against me and he knows where we live. Is it possible to testify without him knowing?
2) Am I wedging myself between father and son based on "one side of the story"? My gut says the child is better off with the mom but I can't know for sure. (I also don't think mom is seeking 100% custody anyway but I don't know for sure.)
3) Am I risking my family's safety for nothing i.e. this "incident" is not a big deal to begin with and will not influence the court's decision at the end of the day?
For what it's worth I've already helped her out many, many times, picking up her boy before and after school so she could work early/late hospital shifts and/or prep for LPN exams. I admire her for going to school while holding down a full-time job so I am happy to continue to do so.
Thank you for any thoughts and guidance.
Our kids are best buds but I am not super close with the mom. I really like her as a person and I believe she is a good mom but we are just not like-minded individuals (she talks about wanting to become a manager in her small town so she can spite some mean girls from years ago, she is a Trump supporter... we just don't mesh).
She was raising her son as a single mom but then the dad moved closer and eventually moved in so he could co-parent. We got really unpleasant vibes from the dad, he was hard to talk to and kind of a dark cloud (nothing definitive though, just constant aggressive-ish undertones).
Fast-forward a year, the dad is out of the picture, the mom has a new fiancee that seems like a nice guy, and the ex is harassing her and using the son to do so. Specifically, the ex wants custody which mom believes will be bad for the child (ex is very adversarial, tells the kid bad things about mom, ex's sole motivation for custody is spite, and so on). Family court is involved, with a hearing soon. So this is where I may be able to help?
When mom and dad were still together, there was one "incident". Our son stayed at their place for a sleepover and next day told me that he saw the dad's penis. I carefully inquired further to see if this was intentional exposure or worse. Of course it was unclear, most likely the dad got drunk and walked around naked - not ideal by any means but also probably not intentional, who knows? I consulted with my husband since I tend to be a hyper alert mother but he was very suspect about it too and we decided that we wouldn't allow further sleep overs.
So the question is, should I offer the mom to testify about this? Obviously I am holding the child's interest at heart but I also have to think about my family. My concerns are:
1) Apparently the ex was harassing the fiancee to the point where fiancee was able to obtain an order of protection to stop the ex from going to his place of residence. If I testify against him, the ex will hold a huge grudge against me and he knows where we live. Is it possible to testify without him knowing?
2) Am I wedging myself between father and son based on "one side of the story"? My gut says the child is better off with the mom but I can't know for sure. (I also don't think mom is seeking 100% custody anyway but I don't know for sure.)
3) Am I risking my family's safety for nothing i.e. this "incident" is not a big deal to begin with and will not influence the court's decision at the end of the day?
For what it's worth I've already helped her out many, many times, picking up her boy before and after school so she could work early/late hospital shifts and/or prep for LPN exams. I admire her for going to school while holding down a full-time job so I am happy to continue to do so.
Thank you for any thoughts and guidance.
My vote is against getting involved. You don't know her that well, you don't know what's going on, and while it's nice that you have good intentions, this is going to be a situation where no good deed goes unpunished. Watch out for your kid, let him know that he can bring his friend over if the friend needs that, and stay out of it.
posted by bile and syntax at 6:03 AM on July 10, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by bile and syntax at 6:03 AM on July 10, 2018 [7 favorites]
If she asks you to be a character witness for her do it. You don't have to and shouldn't disparage her ex if you end up being her character witness, you're not there to testify against him- a person you barely know- you're there to testify for her- a person you know a bit better. As for what your son reported to you there's not enough evidence to bring it up. How old are these boys? In some states kids over a certain age get asked which parent they prefer to live with. In Georgia where I live it's 14.
posted by mareli at 6:12 AM on July 10, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by mareli at 6:12 AM on July 10, 2018 [7 favorites]
The best you'll be able to give (given that you're not going to put your son in court) is a hearsay report of something, without enough detail or context to make clear whether it has any significance. I don't think it can feasibly add to the court's ability to make the right decision, and could further destabilise the relationship between the two ex partners, which would likely be bad for the child. I'd suggest that you leave this one be.
posted by howfar at 6:42 AM on July 10, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by howfar at 6:42 AM on July 10, 2018 [4 favorites]
It's a little skeevy to walk around naked in front of somebody else's kid, and your kid was made uneasy by it. You had an unpleasant reaction to the Dad. Those things might be persuasive to a family court judge. A different approach is to decide if you want to offer to be character witness(es) for the Mom. Is she a good parent? Is the prospective stepdad a good parent? You could also ask her if she feel like she needs supportive witnesses; she may say things look quite solid, or not.
posted by theora55 at 7:30 AM on July 10, 2018
posted by theora55 at 7:30 AM on July 10, 2018
A year ago there was an incident with the father that you did not pursue at the time on behalf of your child or theirs, because it wasn't a big deal. Now that the mom has a custody battle, you're considering using that non-incident to testify that the father did something wrong. At best the court will view that as out of line; at worst your own parenting could be called into question.
I mean, if your son was exposed to something so heinous that the father should not have custody of his own child, then surely you would have pursued it a year ago. Your son would benefit from intervention by mental health services as well, in that case. So why did you not pursue it then?
posted by headnsouth at 8:16 AM on July 10, 2018 [7 favorites]
I mean, if your son was exposed to something so heinous that the father should not have custody of his own child, then surely you would have pursued it a year ago. Your son would benefit from intervention by mental health services as well, in that case. So why did you not pursue it then?
posted by headnsouth at 8:16 AM on July 10, 2018 [7 favorites]
I would not get involved at all, for the sake of your son and his friendship. I would not talk to your son about his friend's parents custody situation, if it comes up, I would just say something neutral about "well, the parents are working it out in court" and leave it at that.
2) Am I wedging myself between father and son based on "one side of the story"? My gut says the child is better off with the mom but I can't know for sure. (I also don't think mom is seeking 100% custody anyway but I don't know for sure.)
Well, that is a very real possibility. The kid's dad certainly doesn't come off well in your description, but you are definitely only seeing one side.
"he was hard to talk to and kind of a dark cloud (nothing definitive though, just constant aggressive-ish undertones)"
This describes a lot of people around their ex's when custody is an issue. It really tears people apart. You may be seeing him at his absolute worst.
The "incident" sounds like a non-incident, why go bring it up in court? To try to arouse suspicion that he's a sex offender? If you don't feel comfortable having your son sleep over at their house, by all means, trust your gut and err on the side of caution (and if there's a much toxicity in that household as I'm picking up on, all the better to just have the friend sleep over at your place for visits), but stay out of it.
she talks about wanting to become a manager in her small town so she can spite some mean girls from years ago, Apparently the ex was harassing the fiancee to the point where fiancee was able to obtain an order of protection to stop the ex from going to his place of residence.
These are both red flags to me, they both seem like adversarial, vindictive people. This is what I was alluding to above when I said their's sounded like a "toxic household."
If I testify against him, the ex will hold a huge grudge against me and he knows where we live. Is it possible to testify without him knowing? Am I risking my family's safety for nothing?
Even if you testified to the court in secret (I don't know if that is allowed), he would likely suspect it was you. Loosing child custody is devastating, and can cause even the most stable people to become unhinged. He was already harassing the fiancee. It is certainly possible that he could harass you if you decided to slander him in court. If he had been doing something genuinely predatory, like inappropriate touching or grooming behavior, then it could be viewed as a responsibility to the community to testify (though in that case it would be your son testifying), to protect children in the future, but that is not what happened here. Boys see adult penises in locker rooms all the time.
It can be really hard on kids to have their friendships disrupted by the drama of the adult world. I cannot see anything good coming from you getting involved.
I think it's great that you're being supportive of the Mom, giving her rides, etc.
posted by ethical_caligula at 9:49 PM on July 10, 2018
2) Am I wedging myself between father and son based on "one side of the story"? My gut says the child is better off with the mom but I can't know for sure. (I also don't think mom is seeking 100% custody anyway but I don't know for sure.)
Well, that is a very real possibility. The kid's dad certainly doesn't come off well in your description, but you are definitely only seeing one side.
"he was hard to talk to and kind of a dark cloud (nothing definitive though, just constant aggressive-ish undertones)"
This describes a lot of people around their ex's when custody is an issue. It really tears people apart. You may be seeing him at his absolute worst.
The "incident" sounds like a non-incident, why go bring it up in court? To try to arouse suspicion that he's a sex offender? If you don't feel comfortable having your son sleep over at their house, by all means, trust your gut and err on the side of caution (and if there's a much toxicity in that household as I'm picking up on, all the better to just have the friend sleep over at your place for visits), but stay out of it.
she talks about wanting to become a manager in her small town so she can spite some mean girls from years ago, Apparently the ex was harassing the fiancee to the point where fiancee was able to obtain an order of protection to stop the ex from going to his place of residence.
These are both red flags to me, they both seem like adversarial, vindictive people. This is what I was alluding to above when I said their's sounded like a "toxic household."
If I testify against him, the ex will hold a huge grudge against me and he knows where we live. Is it possible to testify without him knowing? Am I risking my family's safety for nothing?
Even if you testified to the court in secret (I don't know if that is allowed), he would likely suspect it was you. Loosing child custody is devastating, and can cause even the most stable people to become unhinged. He was already harassing the fiancee. It is certainly possible that he could harass you if you decided to slander him in court. If he had been doing something genuinely predatory, like inappropriate touching or grooming behavior, then it could be viewed as a responsibility to the community to testify (though in that case it would be your son testifying), to protect children in the future, but that is not what happened here. Boys see adult penises in locker rooms all the time.
It can be really hard on kids to have their friendships disrupted by the drama of the adult world. I cannot see anything good coming from you getting involved.
I think it's great that you're being supportive of the Mom, giving her rides, etc.
posted by ethical_caligula at 9:49 PM on July 10, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
From what you've said here, I don't think there's much chance of Dad being granted full custody, but you could offer to be a character witness for Mom, in case she needs one.
posted by chaiminda at 5:57 AM on July 10, 2018 [9 favorites]