Coworker conflict. Do I try to sort it out, or do I simply leave?
July 1, 2018 8:39 AM Subscribe
I have a coworker that we’ll call Jane. Jane and I have never really gotten along too well, but somehow we found ourselves romantically interested in one another for a couple months. Now that it’s ended, I feel extremely uncomfortable working with this person and don’t know what to do about our situation.
I found my current employer through a temp agency in March of 2017. Initially I started in the warehouse working under Jane, the long-term warehouse manager. After a few months of working under Jane, I emailed the temp agency requesting alternate employment because I couldn’t stand how Jane treated myself and the other warehouse employees. The temp agency declined my request as I was under contract with this employer, and I would’ve needed to quit in order to have them reassign me, which wouldn’t have looked good and I felt that they would’ve likely cut ties with me.
I worked under Jane for one more month, and a position in the office was opening up so I decided to apply for it as a last-ditch attempt to get out of the warehouse. Even though I knew nothing about how to do this job, I know the product the company sells, and they knew I was highly analytical and detail-oriented so they decided to offer me the position.
Despite maintaining my hatred for Jane’s attitude towards me, we remained civil and friendly with one another until February of this year. They had me work a few shifts in the warehouse that month, and one day out of nowhere, Jane and I started flirting with each other. This quickly escalated into conversations about our sexual interest in one another, and our flirtations basically turned into dirty talking each other, most often at our workplace. I’m still unsure what she was wanting out of this “thing” we had going on, but it definitely made me purely sexually attracted to her. She used to come into the office, sit on my lap, and wrap her arms around me. Our casual hugs turned into long embraces with back-petting and smiling with eye contact.
A month into the flirtatious relationship, I had a rough couple days where I was feeling extremely discontented with my position and with the company in general. At this point I had trusted her enough to tell her all the feelings I was having with our workplace. She listened and told me I should talk to my boss about these feelings, but decided to tell him everything I said to her a couple days later. This obviously stirred the pot between us, but within a week or so, we were back to where we were - being attracted to one another. We went out one night and had a pleasant evening of food and drinks, and I started to feel like she was truly romantically attracted to me. However, Jane decided that she wanted to take her love life more seriously, and became attracted to another man with more potential for a true relationship. This led to her toning down our attraction to each other, which didn’t really bother me too much as I was purely sexually attracted to her and knew nothing was going to happen between us as long as we worked together.
I have serious depression right now, and I was having a bad week so I made the stupid decision to discuss my personal feelings with her. She tore me apart and told me all of my flaws, which were all the symptoms of my depression. Heartbroken by her response, I asked her if she liked anything about me and I was less than impressed by the response she gave me. Even though I knew our “relationship” was over, we decided to go on a hike a couple days later. I’m currently experiencing a minor injury that ended up cutting our hike short. I had some opioid painkillers and took them due to the pain I was experiencing, and in my inebriated state, we had some awkward and uncomfortable conversations in the long car ride back home. This ultimately led to her writing me off entirely to the point where she started actively avoiding me at work. Three weeks into this avoidance, I was in the warehouse and she was talking about how her son was starting to look for jobs, and she showed me a photo of what he was wearing to interviews and he looked less than dapper. I own plenty of old formal dress clothes so I brought some in the next day for her to give to him. After giving her the clothes, I used it as an opportunity to voice what I was feeling towards her. I said, verbatim, “I’m not going to bother you or ask you to talk to me about anything, but I want to make sure we’re on the same page. I’m not exactly sure what I did to upset you, but it’s become apparent that you’d like to distance yourself from me and I’ll respect your decision, and I’d still like to remain civil with you as coworkers.” She then replied with, “I still love you, omgkinky.” I then told her that I still enjoyed the times we hung out together, to which she again said that she still loves me.
We’ve started to chat a little bit more, but only about work related things and keep talks about our personal lives to an absolute minimum. However, things between us just really don’t feel right at all. I’m a nice gregarious individual, and as an act of kindness I still fetch her coffee a few times per week.
What’s bothering me the most is that I’ve been incredibly kind to Jane throughout my employment with the company, and she has been significantly less kind to me. She’s a very judgemental person, and very narcissistic. She acts indifferently to most people on a daily basis, but now it seems to be primarily channeled towards me. But I find myself really missing the time we were flirting with one another because it was the only period of time that we truly got along with one another. Now I find myself wasting a significant amount of time having mental dialogues of all things I want to say to her, and I want to talk to her to figure out what exactly she has against me now.
The question is this: do I actually find a way to have a tactful conversation with Jane about how I feel so we can truly be on the same page, or do I simply look for a new job elsewhere to avoid this extremely uncomfortable work situation I’ve found myself in?
TLDR: a coworker of mine and myself have never truly gotten along with each other. We found ourselves attracted to one another for a few months, and now that it’s over, I can’t help but feel extremely uncomfortable at our workplace. I find myself obsessively thinking about all the things I want to say to her until I find a new job, but I’m thinking it might be wisest to stay silent and be superficially nice to her until I leave the company.
Side note: I’m in therapy weekly and just switched to a new and hopefully better antidepressant.
I found my current employer through a temp agency in March of 2017. Initially I started in the warehouse working under Jane, the long-term warehouse manager. After a few months of working under Jane, I emailed the temp agency requesting alternate employment because I couldn’t stand how Jane treated myself and the other warehouse employees. The temp agency declined my request as I was under contract with this employer, and I would’ve needed to quit in order to have them reassign me, which wouldn’t have looked good and I felt that they would’ve likely cut ties with me.
I worked under Jane for one more month, and a position in the office was opening up so I decided to apply for it as a last-ditch attempt to get out of the warehouse. Even though I knew nothing about how to do this job, I know the product the company sells, and they knew I was highly analytical and detail-oriented so they decided to offer me the position.
Despite maintaining my hatred for Jane’s attitude towards me, we remained civil and friendly with one another until February of this year. They had me work a few shifts in the warehouse that month, and one day out of nowhere, Jane and I started flirting with each other. This quickly escalated into conversations about our sexual interest in one another, and our flirtations basically turned into dirty talking each other, most often at our workplace. I’m still unsure what she was wanting out of this “thing” we had going on, but it definitely made me purely sexually attracted to her. She used to come into the office, sit on my lap, and wrap her arms around me. Our casual hugs turned into long embraces with back-petting and smiling with eye contact.
A month into the flirtatious relationship, I had a rough couple days where I was feeling extremely discontented with my position and with the company in general. At this point I had trusted her enough to tell her all the feelings I was having with our workplace. She listened and told me I should talk to my boss about these feelings, but decided to tell him everything I said to her a couple days later. This obviously stirred the pot between us, but within a week or so, we were back to where we were - being attracted to one another. We went out one night and had a pleasant evening of food and drinks, and I started to feel like she was truly romantically attracted to me. However, Jane decided that she wanted to take her love life more seriously, and became attracted to another man with more potential for a true relationship. This led to her toning down our attraction to each other, which didn’t really bother me too much as I was purely sexually attracted to her and knew nothing was going to happen between us as long as we worked together.
I have serious depression right now, and I was having a bad week so I made the stupid decision to discuss my personal feelings with her. She tore me apart and told me all of my flaws, which were all the symptoms of my depression. Heartbroken by her response, I asked her if she liked anything about me and I was less than impressed by the response she gave me. Even though I knew our “relationship” was over, we decided to go on a hike a couple days later. I’m currently experiencing a minor injury that ended up cutting our hike short. I had some opioid painkillers and took them due to the pain I was experiencing, and in my inebriated state, we had some awkward and uncomfortable conversations in the long car ride back home. This ultimately led to her writing me off entirely to the point where she started actively avoiding me at work. Three weeks into this avoidance, I was in the warehouse and she was talking about how her son was starting to look for jobs, and she showed me a photo of what he was wearing to interviews and he looked less than dapper. I own plenty of old formal dress clothes so I brought some in the next day for her to give to him. After giving her the clothes, I used it as an opportunity to voice what I was feeling towards her. I said, verbatim, “I’m not going to bother you or ask you to talk to me about anything, but I want to make sure we’re on the same page. I’m not exactly sure what I did to upset you, but it’s become apparent that you’d like to distance yourself from me and I’ll respect your decision, and I’d still like to remain civil with you as coworkers.” She then replied with, “I still love you, omgkinky.” I then told her that I still enjoyed the times we hung out together, to which she again said that she still loves me.
We’ve started to chat a little bit more, but only about work related things and keep talks about our personal lives to an absolute minimum. However, things between us just really don’t feel right at all. I’m a nice gregarious individual, and as an act of kindness I still fetch her coffee a few times per week.
What’s bothering me the most is that I’ve been incredibly kind to Jane throughout my employment with the company, and she has been significantly less kind to me. She’s a very judgemental person, and very narcissistic. She acts indifferently to most people on a daily basis, but now it seems to be primarily channeled towards me. But I find myself really missing the time we were flirting with one another because it was the only period of time that we truly got along with one another. Now I find myself wasting a significant amount of time having mental dialogues of all things I want to say to her, and I want to talk to her to figure out what exactly she has against me now.
The question is this: do I actually find a way to have a tactful conversation with Jane about how I feel so we can truly be on the same page, or do I simply look for a new job elsewhere to avoid this extremely uncomfortable work situation I’ve found myself in?
TLDR: a coworker of mine and myself have never truly gotten along with each other. We found ourselves attracted to one another for a few months, and now that it’s over, I can’t help but feel extremely uncomfortable at our workplace. I find myself obsessively thinking about all the things I want to say to her until I find a new job, but I’m thinking it might be wisest to stay silent and be superficially nice to her until I leave the company.
Side note: I’m in therapy weekly and just switched to a new and hopefully better antidepressant.
It sounds like you've already tried to have a tactful conversation with Jane so you could be on the same page, but that didn't work and she just kept telling you she loves you. I don't think a second attempt is going to resolve things. Instead, consider working with your therapist on strategies that will help when your brain wants to obsessively think about how you'd have this conversation, because (in my experience) that's a tendency that could happen to you again with another person. Use your remaining time at this job developing tools that will help you avoid these patterns of thinking in the future. Good luck to you.
posted by DingoMutt at 9:14 AM on July 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by DingoMutt at 9:14 AM on July 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
She already knows how you feel.
There's no special combination of words or thoughts that is going to change anything and you're not going to hold up a boombox outside her window or show up at her front door with cue cards or etc, because she already knows exactly how you feel. I'm sorry, I've been exactly there, I know it sucks and hurts.
posted by ftm at 9:26 AM on July 1, 2018 [5 favorites]
There's no special combination of words or thoughts that is going to change anything and you're not going to hold up a boombox outside her window or show up at her front door with cue cards or etc, because she already knows exactly how you feel. I'm sorry, I've been exactly there, I know it sucks and hurts.
posted by ftm at 9:26 AM on July 1, 2018 [5 favorites]
It's hard to weave through the wall of text, so if I interpret something wrong, I apologize.
A compassionate way that you could view this (and make the indifference okay in your head) is that what she told you - that she loves/loved you - might have a bit of the truth in it. Behaving as if one is indifferent and having minimal interactions can help subdue any emotions, so that could be where she is at now, especially if she is starting a relationship with someone else.
You also mention this: But I find myself really missing the time we were flirting with one another because it was the only period of time that we truly got along with one another.
You both can probably never go back to this state. You mentioned that when she behaved that way with you, it excited you. If this started out your brief interlude, it might be mutual.
I'm with the others. You already stated what you think and feel. It's painful for both of you to interact, so pretend it is a breakup and try to mutually ignore her or just be respectful - it sounds like you manage that part.
For the obsessive conversations that you want to have to let her know your view - don't have that conversation, that entire conversation and making her understand is all for you. If you really, really need to express it, write it all out in a letter - also write out in a letter why this would not be a good idea, and destroy the letter. Get it out of your head, but go in a different direction.
Good luck.
posted by Wolfster at 9:33 AM on July 1, 2018 [3 favorites]
A compassionate way that you could view this (and make the indifference okay in your head) is that what she told you - that she loves/loved you - might have a bit of the truth in it. Behaving as if one is indifferent and having minimal interactions can help subdue any emotions, so that could be where she is at now, especially if she is starting a relationship with someone else.
You also mention this: But I find myself really missing the time we were flirting with one another because it was the only period of time that we truly got along with one another.
You both can probably never go back to this state. You mentioned that when she behaved that way with you, it excited you. If this started out your brief interlude, it might be mutual.
I'm with the others. You already stated what you think and feel. It's painful for both of you to interact, so pretend it is a breakup and try to mutually ignore her or just be respectful - it sounds like you manage that part.
For the obsessive conversations that you want to have to let her know your view - don't have that conversation, that entire conversation and making her understand is all for you. If you really, really need to express it, write it all out in a letter - also write out in a letter why this would not be a good idea, and destroy the letter. Get it out of your head, but go in a different direction.
Good luck.
posted by Wolfster at 9:33 AM on July 1, 2018 [3 favorites]
Sorry but I think you will just have to let this one go. You are spending a lot of time thinking about a person who you describe as being narcissistic, indifferent to others, and not very nice in general. If I were you I would work on trying to distance myself even further from the situation rather than spending my energy on rekindling an unhealthy relationship.
posted by thereader at 1:54 PM on July 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by thereader at 1:54 PM on July 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
I really recommend you stop talking to get about big issues now, and do a slow fade so you are not talking much at all in a couple of months.
Also, dude, don't do sex stuff at work!! It's a disaster waiting to happen. This doesn't mean you can't have a relationship with someone at work, but what you did is very risky. What if she claimed sexual harrassment? What if someone said you only got the job cause you were involved? How do you think it made our workers feel? (yeah, they knew) Work is for work, sex stuff is for outside work.
I think you're hoping for One Big Talk which will sort you out and set you free from these feelings. That's not going to happen, unfortunately, and she's been pretty clear about that. Furthermore, I think even if you did get that, it wouldn't have the results you think, you would be just as if not more frustrated than you are now.
Finally, someone who treats staff like crap, then starts acting inappropriately at work, frankly sounds a bit unpredictable and I would not want to piss them off,because they could well so other i unprofessional stuff at work.
Let this one go buddy, it will be better for you long term. And going forward, keep work professional.
posted by smoke at 2:21 PM on July 1, 2018 [9 favorites]
Also, dude, don't do sex stuff at work!! It's a disaster waiting to happen. This doesn't mean you can't have a relationship with someone at work, but what you did is very risky. What if she claimed sexual harrassment? What if someone said you only got the job cause you were involved? How do you think it made our workers feel? (yeah, they knew) Work is for work, sex stuff is for outside work.
I think you're hoping for One Big Talk which will sort you out and set you free from these feelings. That's not going to happen, unfortunately, and she's been pretty clear about that. Furthermore, I think even if you did get that, it wouldn't have the results you think, you would be just as if not more frustrated than you are now.
Finally, someone who treats staff like crap, then starts acting inappropriately at work, frankly sounds a bit unpredictable and I would not want to piss them off,because they could well so other i unprofessional stuff at work.
Let this one go buddy, it will be better for you long term. And going forward, keep work professional.
posted by smoke at 2:21 PM on July 1, 2018 [9 favorites]
Every time you tell her how you feel she fucks you over.
I’m thinking it might be wisest to stay silent and be superficially nice to her until I leave the company.
Yep.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 2:43 PM on July 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
I’m thinking it might be wisest to stay silent and be superficially nice to her until I leave the company.
Yep.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 2:43 PM on July 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
You didn't like this woman before you let Mr. OMGkinky Jr. get involved, and it doesn't sound like you like her now. Just leave her alone. It's hard, but it's the only way to let the brain-bubbles go flat.
In future, jeez, please take better care of yourself. Flirtation, etc., does not just "come out of nowhere." It is not a natural force that engulfs you and carries you along helpless to the land of groping hugs and sitting on laps. You have a choice every step of the way. The idea of the malicious female coworker out to screw you over is essentially a myth, but if she had been such a person, or even if your obvious tendency towards conflict with each other had manifested in a slightly different way, you had essentially delivered yourself over to getting fired or worse. If I were you, I wouldn't even try dating at work, which has special perils, until I could trust myself to pick people I actually liked and respected to date.
posted by praemunire at 5:53 PM on July 1, 2018 [7 favorites]
In future, jeez, please take better care of yourself. Flirtation, etc., does not just "come out of nowhere." It is not a natural force that engulfs you and carries you along helpless to the land of groping hugs and sitting on laps. You have a choice every step of the way. The idea of the malicious female coworker out to screw you over is essentially a myth, but if she had been such a person, or even if your obvious tendency towards conflict with each other had manifested in a slightly different way, you had essentially delivered yourself over to getting fired or worse. If I were you, I wouldn't even try dating at work, which has special perils, until I could trust myself to pick people I actually liked and respected to date.
posted by praemunire at 5:53 PM on July 1, 2018 [7 favorites]
do I actually find a way to have a tactful conversation with Jane about how I feel so we can truly be on the same page, or do I simply look for a new job elsewhere to avoid this extremely uncomfortable work situation I’ve found myself in?
... Possibly neither? Definitely not the first one. You've had a number of conversations that really did not go well. ("I was having a bad week so I made the stupid decision to discuss my personal feelings with her. She tore me apart and told me all of my flaws..." "I had some opioid painkillers and took them due to the pain I was experiencing, and in my inebriated state, we had some awkward and uncomfortable conversations in the long car ride back home. This ultimately led to her writing me off entirely.")
The good news is that you never liked her anyway. And she sounds like an unkind if not cruel person. I doubt you could have a conversation that fixed things. When I'm having arguments in my head with someone, it's usually because I want to convince them to stop doing hurtful. Avoiding them or ending the relationship may be far easier. When you start ruminating, just remind yourself, "I'm not hanging out with her anyone and I don't care what she thinks."
I don't know if you need to leave the company or if that's the kind of catastrophizing that I associate with depression. Is it just possible to avoid her?
I'm sorry you've fallen in with this person, but you sound like a nice person, so I hope you can keep your distance and find people who are nice to you.
posted by salvia at 6:06 PM on July 1, 2018
... Possibly neither? Definitely not the first one. You've had a number of conversations that really did not go well. ("I was having a bad week so I made the stupid decision to discuss my personal feelings with her. She tore me apart and told me all of my flaws..." "I had some opioid painkillers and took them due to the pain I was experiencing, and in my inebriated state, we had some awkward and uncomfortable conversations in the long car ride back home. This ultimately led to her writing me off entirely.")
The good news is that you never liked her anyway. And she sounds like an unkind if not cruel person. I doubt you could have a conversation that fixed things. When I'm having arguments in my head with someone, it's usually because I want to convince them to stop doing hurtful. Avoiding them or ending the relationship may be far easier. When you start ruminating, just remind yourself, "I'm not hanging out with her anyone and I don't care what she thinks."
I don't know if you need to leave the company or if that's the kind of catastrophizing that I associate with depression. Is it just possible to avoid her?
I'm sorry you've fallen in with this person, but you sound like a nice person, so I hope you can keep your distance and find people who are nice to you.
posted by salvia at 6:06 PM on July 1, 2018
The question is this: do I actually find a way to have a tactful conversation with Jane about how I feel so we can truly be on the same page, or do I simply look for a new job elsewhere to avoid this extremely uncomfortable work situation I’ve found myself in?
No and not necessarily. I wonder if one reason she is being cool towards you is an attempt to create boundary - but it doesn't matter. It sounds like you don't particularly like her but you keep trying to get her to like you? That kind of thing happens to many of us, and it can mean there's something at play besides the face value of the situation.
I have been a little harsh toward people who were into me in an attempt to create a boundary and not confuse them. So in your shoes I wouldn't take her criticisms personally or as statements of fact, but also stop trying to get closure or mend the situation. Think of yourself as detoxing from an addictive, unhealthy situation and avoid her. Text a friend when you're tempted to talk to her about anything that is not absolutely necessary to do your job. Get to know other people in your workplace (platonically).
If you have the resources and aren't already, consider therapy. Not just because of the Jane sitch but because it sounds like you're struggling right now.
posted by bunderful at 4:38 AM on July 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
No and not necessarily. I wonder if one reason she is being cool towards you is an attempt to create boundary - but it doesn't matter. It sounds like you don't particularly like her but you keep trying to get her to like you? That kind of thing happens to many of us, and it can mean there's something at play besides the face value of the situation.
I have been a little harsh toward people who were into me in an attempt to create a boundary and not confuse them. So in your shoes I wouldn't take her criticisms personally or as statements of fact, but also stop trying to get closure or mend the situation. Think of yourself as detoxing from an addictive, unhealthy situation and avoid her. Text a friend when you're tempted to talk to her about anything that is not absolutely necessary to do your job. Get to know other people in your workplace (platonically).
If you have the resources and aren't already, consider therapy. Not just because of the Jane sitch but because it sounds like you're struggling right now.
posted by bunderful at 4:38 AM on July 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
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I think you should look for a new job and leave this drama behind.
posted by blackzinfandel at 8:57 AM on July 1, 2018 [2 favorites]