Become comfortable with myself
June 22, 2018 7:34 AM Subscribe
I am single for the first time in my adult life (6 months in) and living alone for the first time too. While it is okay, I am not entirely comfortable with my own company. I get the feeling I need to get to grips with being alone before I pursue the next thing.
I'm a 32-year-old single woman. My last relationship was seven years, the one before that, five years. Meaning I've pretty much had back to back men in my life, filling in all the moments of boredom, solitude and everything in between.
A few crappy things happened at the end of 2017, including losing my first pregnancy (which I still feel despondent about on occasion, try again advice no longer applies), I also had to bounce back from being fired. But now I'm in a good place to work on a relationship with myself. Currently working fulltime, with a dog and living by myself.
I want to get comfortable with myself, but I honestly don't know where to start. How did you do it!? What is the secret? I want to be content with me and my choices and not chase after anyone to fill the gap. Assume I have some cash to throw at this if necessary and all the time in the world...
I'm a 32-year-old single woman. My last relationship was seven years, the one before that, five years. Meaning I've pretty much had back to back men in my life, filling in all the moments of boredom, solitude and everything in between.
A few crappy things happened at the end of 2017, including losing my first pregnancy (which I still feel despondent about on occasion, try again advice no longer applies), I also had to bounce back from being fired. But now I'm in a good place to work on a relationship with myself. Currently working fulltime, with a dog and living by myself.
I want to get comfortable with myself, but I honestly don't know where to start. How did you do it!? What is the secret? I want to be content with me and my choices and not chase after anyone to fill the gap. Assume I have some cash to throw at this if necessary and all the time in the world...
I too am living alone for the first time, and I’m 38 and divorced. I’m glad you have a dog, bc the first thing I was gonna suggest was having a pet to stave of the Big Quiet of living alone. Other things I fill my time with that make me more myself and less needy for a relationship: crafty hobbies, cooking, learning new stuff, making my house my own. I also fill my dance card with social engagements and spend a lot of time cultivating my friendships with the energy I used to put into a romantic relationships. Getting in touch with your body through exercise and stuff can be nice and grounding too.
posted by oomny at 7:59 AM on June 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by oomny at 7:59 AM on June 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
Take some of the pressure off yourself. It takes time, not everything you try will work. That's ok.
posted by MikePemulis at 8:18 AM on June 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by MikePemulis at 8:18 AM on June 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
I feel like there's a handful of components to this: learning how to entertain yourself (advanced: with things you truly enjoy rather than things that pass the time, but it does mean both things sometimes), learning to embrace the quiet, finding ways to be social that suit your personality, finding your rhythm/routines.
I am by myself a good bit and am very comfortable with most of the components, but I am married and the rhythm of my day is entirely tied to his. I am unmoored if he's out of town or working late and especially terrible at dinner through bedtime, and I have to work at it, write down a plan, it's something I can't just do without thinking. Don't be afraid to sit down and plan for yourself on a calendar or in a journal to figure out what you'd like your days/weeks to look like.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:21 AM on June 22, 2018
I am by myself a good bit and am very comfortable with most of the components, but I am married and the rhythm of my day is entirely tied to his. I am unmoored if he's out of town or working late and especially terrible at dinner through bedtime, and I have to work at it, write down a plan, it's something I can't just do without thinking. Don't be afraid to sit down and plan for yourself on a calendar or in a journal to figure out what you'd like your days/weeks to look like.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:21 AM on June 22, 2018
I think you have to define the discomfort a little bit before figuring out a fix, it's not an obvious concept. because if you don't feel uncomfortable with yourself until you're single, it makes it sound like when there's a man around, you're not there anymore. like you only come back when they go away. if you aren't with yourself when a man's there, where do you go? who was he with, if not you?
you're going to get lots of suggestions about not being lonely and getting new hobbies, and that's worth doing but it solves a different & easier problem. the advice to do for yourself what boyfriends have historically done for you is only good advice if they were doing good things for you -- entertainment, affection, etc. but if they were functioning as psychic earplugs for you so that you didn't have to hear your own thoughts (or couldn't), it wouldn't be great to aim to replicate that any other way.
the ideal and the publicly admissible pleasure of having a boyfriend is that he thinks you're wonderful and makes you feel your own wonderfulness -- amplifies it with his presence, makes you more yourself, and makes you want to be more of yourself. the less ideal pleasure of a boyfriend is that he makes you less yourself, less of yourself, forgetful of yourself, allows you to forget you're there at all. can't tell if the latter was your issue but if it applies at all, it's what I would use therapy to talk about.
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:22 AM on June 22, 2018 [34 favorites]
you're going to get lots of suggestions about not being lonely and getting new hobbies, and that's worth doing but it solves a different & easier problem. the advice to do for yourself what boyfriends have historically done for you is only good advice if they were doing good things for you -- entertainment, affection, etc. but if they were functioning as psychic earplugs for you so that you didn't have to hear your own thoughts (or couldn't), it wouldn't be great to aim to replicate that any other way.
the ideal and the publicly admissible pleasure of having a boyfriend is that he thinks you're wonderful and makes you feel your own wonderfulness -- amplifies it with his presence, makes you more yourself, and makes you want to be more of yourself. the less ideal pleasure of a boyfriend is that he makes you less yourself, less of yourself, forgetful of yourself, allows you to forget you're there at all. can't tell if the latter was your issue but if it applies at all, it's what I would use therapy to talk about.
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:22 AM on June 22, 2018 [34 favorites]
I find that regular meditation, especially loving-kindness meditation, makes me feel connected to the world and not-lonely when I'm stuck in some anxiety-driven loneliness loops. Here's one version, here's a simpler one from Jack Kornfield, and Tara Brach has a guided one.
posted by lazuli at 8:22 AM on June 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by lazuli at 8:22 AM on June 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
I do not know how much disposable income you have or free time, but get a hobby that can be a side business. Take lessons in some sort of craft or art -- in a classroom setting, there will be other people to socialize with. Often, this is the way to make a new kind of friend -- different background, progress in life -- but both starting something new on the same foot as you have a starting point of having one thing in common.
Keep taking lessons, and start to socialize as you start refining your craft with the intent of selling at shows and tours -- mingling with people who are interested in your work. Start teaching yourself and develop contacts and friendships that way.
This has an advantage of (a) forcing you to spend time with yourself doing something expressive and constructive. You improve, help your self-esteem as you finally get to know yourself. People were not made to sit around by themselves. We are made to work.
You are taking your improved and better self-understood self out with people with a shared interest who give you feedback as you get to know them. This keeps the cycle going and ensures you continue with your me time before getting an idea who you are getting long with others.
You are not isolating yourself, but you are not running away from yourself.
Creating a side niche of selling/teacher keeps the balance going, as you are rewarding yourself for learning all about the wonderful things you can do. You socialize with people you meet outside the setting, as you know your place in the world. It is not about being a genius talent; it is about learning to focus on yourself as you focus on others at the same time. Both sides feed off from each other, and then you can be alone without being lonely.
You see your own evolution as you see how your work has evolved.
I find a lot of people who do not like their own company do not have hobbies. It is a silly thing to think you can be static and then grow as a person. I also find people who spend too much time watching movies, television, and games become too dependent on other people's narrative and then expect a script to be reality, instead of interacting with themselves and the world and then learn how to go with the flow.
Good luck to you.
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 8:41 AM on June 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
Keep taking lessons, and start to socialize as you start refining your craft with the intent of selling at shows and tours -- mingling with people who are interested in your work. Start teaching yourself and develop contacts and friendships that way.
This has an advantage of (a) forcing you to spend time with yourself doing something expressive and constructive. You improve, help your self-esteem as you finally get to know yourself. People were not made to sit around by themselves. We are made to work.
You are taking your improved and better self-understood self out with people with a shared interest who give you feedback as you get to know them. This keeps the cycle going and ensures you continue with your me time before getting an idea who you are getting long with others.
You are not isolating yourself, but you are not running away from yourself.
Creating a side niche of selling/teacher keeps the balance going, as you are rewarding yourself for learning all about the wonderful things you can do. You socialize with people you meet outside the setting, as you know your place in the world. It is not about being a genius talent; it is about learning to focus on yourself as you focus on others at the same time. Both sides feed off from each other, and then you can be alone without being lonely.
You see your own evolution as you see how your work has evolved.
I find a lot of people who do not like their own company do not have hobbies. It is a silly thing to think you can be static and then grow as a person. I also find people who spend too much time watching movies, television, and games become too dependent on other people's narrative and then expect a script to be reality, instead of interacting with themselves and the world and then learn how to go with the flow.
Good luck to you.
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 8:41 AM on June 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I'm in my 50s and going through this. It's only been a few weeks for me. I've never had a problem with being physically alone and enjoy my own company, but I've never been "alone in the world." I've been attached to a man (or boy) since I was 15, and have been married since I was 22. I have lots of very loving and supportive friends, and a dog, but still, it feels like there's a wind blowing through my house. I'm really surprised, because my husband has been absent emotionally, and often physically, too, for several years.
So I guess what I'm saying is that I agree with queenofbithynia--there are many different aspects to being alone, and you have to define which of them is causing you discomfort. I think for me it's no longer having someone who is my person--the one person I could definitely count on (or wanted to believe I could count on) from day to day. It's making me feel uncomfortable in my solitude now even when I'm doing the exact same things alone that I was doing two months ago. It's not about what I'm doing with my day or who else is around, it's about my place in the world. I'm going to have to learn to be comfortable relying only on myself. It's a hell of a thing to go through after so many years. Anyway, that's my thought on what to explore in therapy.
As far as actually being alone, the best things for me are the things that are best enjoyed alone. For me a big one is hiking, but obviously it will be different from person to person.
posted by johannsebastianbachpuppet at 8:59 AM on June 22, 2018 [8 favorites]
So I guess what I'm saying is that I agree with queenofbithynia--there are many different aspects to being alone, and you have to define which of them is causing you discomfort. I think for me it's no longer having someone who is my person--the one person I could definitely count on (or wanted to believe I could count on) from day to day. It's making me feel uncomfortable in my solitude now even when I'm doing the exact same things alone that I was doing two months ago. It's not about what I'm doing with my day or who else is around, it's about my place in the world. I'm going to have to learn to be comfortable relying only on myself. It's a hell of a thing to go through after so many years. Anyway, that's my thought on what to explore in therapy.
As far as actually being alone, the best things for me are the things that are best enjoyed alone. For me a big one is hiking, but obviously it will be different from person to person.
posted by johannsebastianbachpuppet at 8:59 AM on June 22, 2018 [8 favorites]
Best answer: You'll get a lot of good answers for this, but a lot of it will come down to you personally. This is still so new, it's research time!
Being single again is a great time to push yourself a little bit. Partly to get out of comfort zones that you're ready to step out of, but also because there might be bits of you that you've forgotten about. Why not make a list of some things you'd like to try doing alone? Here are some examples:
- Go for dinner by yourself. Some people hate this. I LOVE IT. Order what you want, order three starters instead of a main if you like. Read a book or the paper while you eat, or just people-watch.
- See a film by yourself. Some people love this, me not so much - I enjoy disecting it in the pub afterwards too much! But why not give it a go. See a weepie and sob without self-consciousness. See an action film and whoop audibly when something cool happens. Who are you gonna embarrass, rock your reactions openly!
- Go to a gig yourself. I booked myself a ton of gig tickets after my last breakup and my experiences ranged from meeting people there and having an unexpectedly social time, being irritated at getting jostled too much as a single and small person, and finding a seat at the back with no-one around it where i could SING ALONG AT THE TOP OF MY VOICE ALL THE WAY THROUGH - no-one could hear and no-one cared! it was awesome!
- Go for a trip by yourself. A day trip, a very long walk, a week's holiday, whatever. If you want, journal it, live-tweet it, or pick a friend who wants to hear about it and give them regular updates of what you've been up to. Several times I'd go out on my bike for a day or two days, aiming vaguely for somewhere, and just see what I could see.
I'm not saying you should do all these things, just that it might help to list some out. Include some that make you feel a bit uncomfortable! See if you can do one or two of those ones. Find new things you enjoy to do by yourself, and if you don't, research has been undertaken and you can rule them out as solo activities in the future!
Postscript: what I got from doing this, over periods of either being single, living alone, or both, was to step outside of the world I lived in where things only matter if other people see you doing them or participate (see also, Instagram, Facebook etc). It really helped to empower me to live my life how I want to, rather than how I think I should. I am so grateful to have had those times of being alone. I really am.
posted by greenish at 9:00 AM on June 22, 2018 [6 favorites]
Being single again is a great time to push yourself a little bit. Partly to get out of comfort zones that you're ready to step out of, but also because there might be bits of you that you've forgotten about. Why not make a list of some things you'd like to try doing alone? Here are some examples:
- Go for dinner by yourself. Some people hate this. I LOVE IT. Order what you want, order three starters instead of a main if you like. Read a book or the paper while you eat, or just people-watch.
- See a film by yourself. Some people love this, me not so much - I enjoy disecting it in the pub afterwards too much! But why not give it a go. See a weepie and sob without self-consciousness. See an action film and whoop audibly when something cool happens. Who are you gonna embarrass, rock your reactions openly!
- Go to a gig yourself. I booked myself a ton of gig tickets after my last breakup and my experiences ranged from meeting people there and having an unexpectedly social time, being irritated at getting jostled too much as a single and small person, and finding a seat at the back with no-one around it where i could SING ALONG AT THE TOP OF MY VOICE ALL THE WAY THROUGH - no-one could hear and no-one cared! it was awesome!
- Go for a trip by yourself. A day trip, a very long walk, a week's holiday, whatever. If you want, journal it, live-tweet it, or pick a friend who wants to hear about it and give them regular updates of what you've been up to. Several times I'd go out on my bike for a day or two days, aiming vaguely for somewhere, and just see what I could see.
I'm not saying you should do all these things, just that it might help to list some out. Include some that make you feel a bit uncomfortable! See if you can do one or two of those ones. Find new things you enjoy to do by yourself, and if you don't, research has been undertaken and you can rule them out as solo activities in the future!
Postscript: what I got from doing this, over periods of either being single, living alone, or both, was to step outside of the world I lived in where things only matter if other people see you doing them or participate (see also, Instagram, Facebook etc). It really helped to empower me to live my life how I want to, rather than how I think I should. I am so grateful to have had those times of being alone. I really am.
posted by greenish at 9:00 AM on June 22, 2018 [6 favorites]
This is a bit rambly, sorry, but here's my version.
Some years back when I realised that somehow I had made the transition from angsty teenager who was worried he'd never have sex or be loved by anyone, to grumpy guy with two kids, a wife and a mortgage, and at no point in the transition had I found I was suddenly sustainably happy.
I had read a ton of books on personality and how to be happy, which is my default response to figuring things out, plus I had the benefit of a lot of time in therapy during late teens and early twenties, and so I started to feel like I had really tried everything.
At which point I thought - what am I even chasing, anyway? I don't know that there's a life that looks and feels much different to the one I have now, because a lot of how my life is now already reflects my personality and approach to people and life.
Plus, I had already done all the "right things", or at least a pretty decent selection of them, and things weren't massively changed. A surgeon once told me - talking of surgeries for ingrown toenails - that whenever there were several treatment options, it was because none of them worked reliably or much better than the others, and taken in this light, the plethora of advice and options on how to be better/happy/actualized began to look a lot less likely to contain any life-changing insight that I just hadn't read yet. If there was a good, reliable way out there, we'd all do it, and this wouldn't be a question.
One aspect of having kids was having a son who was a lot like me and realising that the times when he really got under my skin was when he was behaving in a way that I remembered behaving as a child, and this drove me nuts. On the advice of my therapist, I read Between Parent and Child, and that was a big change for me.
I realised that everything they say about how you react and talk to children worked equally well with adults, and the quality of my communication with people around me changed a lot. Part of that involved developing more of a tolerance for how people act based on doing more to understand what might be going on with them.
I talked a lot more to my dad, whose behaviour towards me as a child was starting to make way more sense to me now I had a child of my own. And I took a lot of comfort in the way I could look at my dad, have prosecuted his faults and then forgiven them when I finally understood them by finding myself in exactly the same routine, because it made me think that people would eventually forgive me for my faults.
Realising I could look at myself the way I would look at other people and try to evaluate myself from this outside frame, with kindness and empathy, and a sense of perspective on where I was in my life's journey, helped me to start to think that actually, I wasn't that hard to figure out.
I'd made a lot of fuss about not being happy, but comparing to my dad and my son, that could basically be genetic. If I took a deep breath, and tried to imagine my dad hearing me complain about myself, and then translated that one generation down to my son complaining in the same words about himself, I realised I would just give him a hug and tell him to stop overthinking, that he's okay, he's just a person doing the things people do. He should try to do them as well as he can, should try not to be meanness and horrible, and should be ready to protect himself from other people's meanness, while still being open to their love and support.
Somewhere in there the "existential crisis" part of my previous self-doubt evaporated. I wouldn't look at my son and think about whether he was a bad human, etc, instead I would think about what he liked and wanted and try to make it easier for him to do those things.
I wonder in hindsight whether I needed to have kids to figure this out, or whether having kids was simply a big enough crisis that I had to employ suitable defences, or whether the specific kid here was particularly important as a good role model for younger me to put older me in context.
Wondering aside, I would not suggest you have to have kids to help you get comfortable with yourself.
I would suggest that trying to see yourself through the lens of somebody distanced from the noise of your angst, but perceptive to the bigger patterns of what you do and like, can help with coming to some peace on the self-doubt and self-acceptance front. Love the child in you that you are glad you brought into the world.
posted by pulposus at 9:03 AM on June 22, 2018 [10 favorites]
Some years back when I realised that somehow I had made the transition from angsty teenager who was worried he'd never have sex or be loved by anyone, to grumpy guy with two kids, a wife and a mortgage, and at no point in the transition had I found I was suddenly sustainably happy.
I had read a ton of books on personality and how to be happy, which is my default response to figuring things out, plus I had the benefit of a lot of time in therapy during late teens and early twenties, and so I started to feel like I had really tried everything.
At which point I thought - what am I even chasing, anyway? I don't know that there's a life that looks and feels much different to the one I have now, because a lot of how my life is now already reflects my personality and approach to people and life.
Plus, I had already done all the "right things", or at least a pretty decent selection of them, and things weren't massively changed. A surgeon once told me - talking of surgeries for ingrown toenails - that whenever there were several treatment options, it was because none of them worked reliably or much better than the others, and taken in this light, the plethora of advice and options on how to be better/happy/actualized began to look a lot less likely to contain any life-changing insight that I just hadn't read yet. If there was a good, reliable way out there, we'd all do it, and this wouldn't be a question.
One aspect of having kids was having a son who was a lot like me and realising that the times when he really got under my skin was when he was behaving in a way that I remembered behaving as a child, and this drove me nuts. On the advice of my therapist, I read Between Parent and Child, and that was a big change for me.
I realised that everything they say about how you react and talk to children worked equally well with adults, and the quality of my communication with people around me changed a lot. Part of that involved developing more of a tolerance for how people act based on doing more to understand what might be going on with them.
I talked a lot more to my dad, whose behaviour towards me as a child was starting to make way more sense to me now I had a child of my own. And I took a lot of comfort in the way I could look at my dad, have prosecuted his faults and then forgiven them when I finally understood them by finding myself in exactly the same routine, because it made me think that people would eventually forgive me for my faults.
Realising I could look at myself the way I would look at other people and try to evaluate myself from this outside frame, with kindness and empathy, and a sense of perspective on where I was in my life's journey, helped me to start to think that actually, I wasn't that hard to figure out.
I'd made a lot of fuss about not being happy, but comparing to my dad and my son, that could basically be genetic. If I took a deep breath, and tried to imagine my dad hearing me complain about myself, and then translated that one generation down to my son complaining in the same words about himself, I realised I would just give him a hug and tell him to stop overthinking, that he's okay, he's just a person doing the things people do. He should try to do them as well as he can, should try not to be meanness and horrible, and should be ready to protect himself from other people's meanness, while still being open to their love and support.
Somewhere in there the "existential crisis" part of my previous self-doubt evaporated. I wouldn't look at my son and think about whether he was a bad human, etc, instead I would think about what he liked and wanted and try to make it easier for him to do those things.
I wonder in hindsight whether I needed to have kids to figure this out, or whether having kids was simply a big enough crisis that I had to employ suitable defences, or whether the specific kid here was particularly important as a good role model for younger me to put older me in context.
Wondering aside, I would not suggest you have to have kids to help you get comfortable with yourself.
I would suggest that trying to see yourself through the lens of somebody distanced from the noise of your angst, but perceptive to the bigger patterns of what you do and like, can help with coming to some peace on the self-doubt and self-acceptance front. Love the child in you that you are glad you brought into the world.
posted by pulposus at 9:03 AM on June 22, 2018 [10 favorites]
Seconding greenish that basically, practice helps. Particularly in the beginning, I found it helpful to focus it very specifically on things that I wanted to do, but didn't get to do while I was in a relationship.
A kind of food that you wanted to try, but they didn't? Go eat there, guilt-free.
A genre of movies or an actor/actress that you liked, but they didn't? Watch them, in the venue of your choice, with the snacks of your choice.
Did they like going to music shows super-early and being up front for all the acts? Then arrive just in time for the main act and spend exactly as much time as you'd like on your feet, and no more. Conversely, if you were always the one fidgeting by the door, get in that line as early as you want.
A childish pleasure in getting to do these things that I'd held back on/been denied helped with the :( :( I'm alone :( :( are people looking at me and thinking what a weirdo she's here alone :( :(?
(no, they aren't, and even if they are, fuck them, unless they're admiring you doing exactly what the fuck you want)
posted by joyceanmachine at 9:27 AM on June 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
A kind of food that you wanted to try, but they didn't? Go eat there, guilt-free.
A genre of movies or an actor/actress that you liked, but they didn't? Watch them, in the venue of your choice, with the snacks of your choice.
Did they like going to music shows super-early and being up front for all the acts? Then arrive just in time for the main act and spend exactly as much time as you'd like on your feet, and no more. Conversely, if you were always the one fidgeting by the door, get in that line as early as you want.
A childish pleasure in getting to do these things that I'd held back on/been denied helped with the :( :( I'm alone :( :( are people looking at me and thinking what a weirdo she's here alone :( :(?
(no, they aren't, and even if they are, fuck them, unless they're admiring you doing exactly what the fuck you want)
posted by joyceanmachine at 9:27 AM on June 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
So, one of the hard things about going it alone is suddenly losing access to the bank of knowledge the other partner had. In my case, for example, my current partner takes care of any interactions and relationships with repairmen and handymen, roofers, plumbers, etc. If we seperated, that's a big chunk of my life I would suddenly have to take over and reconstruct from scratch. (The various labor splits in any particular relationship will obviously be very differnt depending on the partnership in question, and may be more or less unfair depending on the people involved - that's a seperate issue. The work *should* be split down the middle. Whether it was or not, right now you've inherited 100% of it). So right now you are in a position where you have to start learning how to do a few new things for yourself, from a practical point of view.
You've also lost access to a person who will reinforce you when you make a decision - approve and tell you it's a good one, or discuss and help you decide what option to choose. It's really hard to just make a call and deal with the consequences all by yourself when you're used to sharing the decision (and the blame, if something goes a bit wrong).
Know that it's ok to not know how to do something. It's ok to need help the first time you do something, even if it's something you feel you 'should' already know how to do, because you're an adult or whatever. It's also ok to weigh your options and end up choosing the wrong one. It's totally ok to be wrong! That's how you end up knowing not to do it that way next time.
My mother used an ATM for the first time ever two years ago, just after my father passed away. Dad had always done the banking. The first time she went, she, a woman in her sixties, had to ask the bank teller to show her how to use it. Was it hard for her to ask? Did she feel she 'ought' to know already? Yes. But was the teller super nice and easy-going and totally not weird about showing her how to use it? Also yes! It was ok that she didn't know. People helped her. People generally like to help, if you ask with openness and honesty.
I live in an extremely car-based culture, and yet I did not learn to drive or get my license until I turned 30. Was it embarassing for me to call a driving instructor and tell them I *still* couldn't drive? Yes. Was the instructor really nice and understanding and not weird about getting me signed up and then teaching me to drive? Also yes. It turned out that it wasn't such a big deal that I needed help.
Allow yourself to be open. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Ask for help. Practical help, that people like to provide. 'Please, friend, will you come over and show me how to cook the thing you make that I like?' 'Excuse me, retail associate, I don't know what parts I need to fix my shower and I've never dealt with a plumbing issue, can you show me?' 'Hi, Mom, I'm lonely and sad. Can we go to the movies together?'
Being comfortable by yourself doesn't mean doing everything alone perfectly the first time. It means building your network outside the context of 'the one special other person who sees every aspect of my life'. It means being kind to yourself when you make a mistake because your partner isn't there to be kind for you. 'I decided to get my car fixed. I chose a new mechanic and he totally ripped me off! That sucks really bad! I want to beat myself for making this mistake. It's ok, though. This is something my partner always did before and I was bound to make a mistake as I learn to take over car maintainence. Next time I'll know to ask about those extra charges.'
On a practical note, when I was single I found keeping an accomplishments list at the end of the day useful. I could look at it and say to myself 'see, I didn't mope around all day. I called my pharmacy, I did the laundry AND mopped, I made a healthy lunch for tomorrow, I took the dog for a walk along the river, I worked on my new painting.' I tend to not see these things as valuable parts of my day unless I record them or have them reflected back to me via a partner, and if the partner is out of the picture it has to be a written list.
I believe in you. Be good to yourself.
posted by DSime at 9:57 AM on June 22, 2018 [12 favorites]
You've also lost access to a person who will reinforce you when you make a decision - approve and tell you it's a good one, or discuss and help you decide what option to choose. It's really hard to just make a call and deal with the consequences all by yourself when you're used to sharing the decision (and the blame, if something goes a bit wrong).
Know that it's ok to not know how to do something. It's ok to need help the first time you do something, even if it's something you feel you 'should' already know how to do, because you're an adult or whatever. It's also ok to weigh your options and end up choosing the wrong one. It's totally ok to be wrong! That's how you end up knowing not to do it that way next time.
My mother used an ATM for the first time ever two years ago, just after my father passed away. Dad had always done the banking. The first time she went, she, a woman in her sixties, had to ask the bank teller to show her how to use it. Was it hard for her to ask? Did she feel she 'ought' to know already? Yes. But was the teller super nice and easy-going and totally not weird about showing her how to use it? Also yes! It was ok that she didn't know. People helped her. People generally like to help, if you ask with openness and honesty.
I live in an extremely car-based culture, and yet I did not learn to drive or get my license until I turned 30. Was it embarassing for me to call a driving instructor and tell them I *still* couldn't drive? Yes. Was the instructor really nice and understanding and not weird about getting me signed up and then teaching me to drive? Also yes. It turned out that it wasn't such a big deal that I needed help.
Allow yourself to be open. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Ask for help. Practical help, that people like to provide. 'Please, friend, will you come over and show me how to cook the thing you make that I like?' 'Excuse me, retail associate, I don't know what parts I need to fix my shower and I've never dealt with a plumbing issue, can you show me?' 'Hi, Mom, I'm lonely and sad. Can we go to the movies together?'
Being comfortable by yourself doesn't mean doing everything alone perfectly the first time. It means building your network outside the context of 'the one special other person who sees every aspect of my life'. It means being kind to yourself when you make a mistake because your partner isn't there to be kind for you. 'I decided to get my car fixed. I chose a new mechanic and he totally ripped me off! That sucks really bad! I want to beat myself for making this mistake. It's ok, though. This is something my partner always did before and I was bound to make a mistake as I learn to take over car maintainence. Next time I'll know to ask about those extra charges.'
On a practical note, when I was single I found keeping an accomplishments list at the end of the day useful. I could look at it and say to myself 'see, I didn't mope around all day. I called my pharmacy, I did the laundry AND mopped, I made a healthy lunch for tomorrow, I took the dog for a walk along the river, I worked on my new painting.' I tend to not see these things as valuable parts of my day unless I record them or have them reflected back to me via a partner, and if the partner is out of the picture it has to be a written list.
I believe in you. Be good to yourself.
posted by DSime at 9:57 AM on June 22, 2018 [12 favorites]
I'm sure everyone has plenty of useful and constructive advice. I'll give you one small piece of advice and a book you might want to read. I read it over 45 years ago and I found it so helpful when I was lost young man. First my advice is what are you afraid of? Don't be afraid of yourself. Love yourself. You are the one thing that you can count on. And I'm not talking about some kind of narcissistic self-love. I'm talking about the fact that you and you alone are unique and your genes have traveled so many millennia and no one or anything will replace you. And the book I'll offer is called "The Pursuit of Loneliness" by Philip Slater. Try it
posted by philv599 at 9:57 AM on June 22, 2018
posted by philv599 at 9:57 AM on June 22, 2018
I get the feeling I need to get to grips with being alone before I pursue the next thing.
I've been living alone for a long time now and have been single for about nine months, this time around, and have had some periods of a couple years between relationships before, and I think part of this is like... you don't need to get to grips with being alone. You need to get to grips with being a social creature, like all the other humans, but a social creature who does not personally share space with all the people you're social with. I don't think it helps to think of it as "being alone" so much as learning to manage a social life that doesn't live with you.
When you're comfortably managing having that social contact but not having it actually in your home all the time, then I think the change in framing makes it seem a lot less intimidating. You still have to figure out the practical stuff like managing bills and housework and cooking for one, which is its own kind of complication, but you're not alone. You should still have people you can reach out to whenever you need them... but not when you don't. I think I'd actually have a hard time living with someone again, because it's not that I'm alone, it's that I'm only social when I want to be, now, outside the office... instead of having it forced on me 24/7. It takes a level of intentionality that took a little time to get into.
The thing about that social contact, though, is that healthy relationships with family and friends and coworkers and people with shared hobbies... they don't need the things from you that a relationship partner does, so when they support you, they're supporting you in being you. They lead a lot more naturally into your being more comfortable with yourself, and if they don't, it's a lot easier to stop spending time with the person who is making you feel worse.
Basically, I think it's better on the whole to get to grips not with being alone but with being a part of an interconnected social system where one person is not your everything and you aren't anybody else's, and then later fit a partner into that context.
posted by Sequence at 10:11 AM on June 22, 2018 [11 favorites]
I've been living alone for a long time now and have been single for about nine months, this time around, and have had some periods of a couple years between relationships before, and I think part of this is like... you don't need to get to grips with being alone. You need to get to grips with being a social creature, like all the other humans, but a social creature who does not personally share space with all the people you're social with. I don't think it helps to think of it as "being alone" so much as learning to manage a social life that doesn't live with you.
When you're comfortably managing having that social contact but not having it actually in your home all the time, then I think the change in framing makes it seem a lot less intimidating. You still have to figure out the practical stuff like managing bills and housework and cooking for one, which is its own kind of complication, but you're not alone. You should still have people you can reach out to whenever you need them... but not when you don't. I think I'd actually have a hard time living with someone again, because it's not that I'm alone, it's that I'm only social when I want to be, now, outside the office... instead of having it forced on me 24/7. It takes a level of intentionality that took a little time to get into.
The thing about that social contact, though, is that healthy relationships with family and friends and coworkers and people with shared hobbies... they don't need the things from you that a relationship partner does, so when they support you, they're supporting you in being you. They lead a lot more naturally into your being more comfortable with yourself, and if they don't, it's a lot easier to stop spending time with the person who is making you feel worse.
Basically, I think it's better on the whole to get to grips not with being alone but with being a part of an interconnected social system where one person is not your everything and you aren't anybody else's, and then later fit a partner into that context.
posted by Sequence at 10:11 AM on June 22, 2018 [11 favorites]
I do not know how much disposable income you have or free time, but get a hobby that can be a side business.
I like this advice generally, but I do want to sound a cautionary note about this part: it is extremely difficult to actually make a consistent profit off handicrafts. Most of the people you may think are doing it are not actually paying the bills. The math on the labor is unforgiving.
OP, in addition to some of the good suggestions here, I would also suggest taking on some kind of volunteering commitment. It will get you out of the house and introduce you to new people, yes, but also choosing what to do can be a way of starting to think about what your values really are.
posted by praemunire at 10:19 AM on June 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
I like this advice generally, but I do want to sound a cautionary note about this part: it is extremely difficult to actually make a consistent profit off handicrafts. Most of the people you may think are doing it are not actually paying the bills. The math on the labor is unforgiving.
OP, in addition to some of the good suggestions here, I would also suggest taking on some kind of volunteering commitment. It will get you out of the house and introduce you to new people, yes, but also choosing what to do can be a way of starting to think about what your values really are.
posted by praemunire at 10:19 AM on June 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
One of my favorite old threads on the blue was, Things that seem normal when you live alone. The video link doesn't work any more, but I hope you'll be as charmed as I am by all the people enjoying their weirdsies living on their own.
posted by gladly at 10:28 AM on June 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by gladly at 10:28 AM on June 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
I lost my spouse at 31 so I feel ya.
Other folks have said a lot of great things, so I'll just add my summary of what helped me: (a) find a friend or two who like to text and get coffee sometimes and (b) find a scene, ie a community; maybe you don't hang out beyond group events, but you're still _known_.
posted by hishtafel at 12:43 PM on June 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
Other folks have said a lot of great things, so I'll just add my summary of what helped me: (a) find a friend or two who like to text and get coffee sometimes and (b) find a scene, ie a community; maybe you don't hang out beyond group events, but you're still _known_.
posted by hishtafel at 12:43 PM on June 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by teststrip at 7:48 AM on June 22, 2018