How can I stop having Nightmares?
June 21, 2018 9:38 AM Subscribe
They happen too often and this morning I literally got up shaking. They almost always involve my parents and or childhood home. I just want some decent sleep.
I don't have any contact with my parents anymore due to emotional abuse I had to endure as a child, but that was almost 2 decades ago. My life now is great and I'm happy in my waking hours. Problem is I still have nightmares that involve them forcing me to stay with them. Or even some strange event happening that forces me to be in the same house with them (exactly how I felt as a child; trapped and unable to break free from their presence. I've tried therapy in the past, but it didn't help much. After all I already knew what the therapist told me to be true and I did the exercises she said in my waking hours etc. This seems to be the part of my brain that can't be touched by conscious thinking so for that reason I suppose nothing I do in my happy normal waking hours seems to work once I go to sleep.
When I was in college and up to the age of 31 I had nightmares of being trapped in my childhood home, but it was dark and looked ghostly and demonic inside with the walls rotting etc, while it was sunny and nice outside. Something would be chasing me... a demon of some sort (though I never saw it) and I would end up escaping the house with the demon unable to catch up to me just in time. Though it would have a happy ending it was a reoccurring nightmare for years.
Now my nightmares are not the same one's happening over and over exactly. They are drastically different from one another, but they all have the theme of suddenly finding myself as an adult in one of the homes of my childhood (an aunt or uncle's home for example) and finding that I can't get out. The home is always nice and bright and there are no demons anywhere. Yet the panic is practically the same as I try to get out, and for whatever reason it's hard to leave. In my latest nightmare, in the middle of the summer I found myself at one of the houses I used to visit as a kid (in this case one of my aunts) and knowing my mother was there and that some other relatives would be coming soon, I decide to order a car service to take me back to my home and the ride would be roughly 2 hours (that was how long it used to take my parents to drive from her place to ours when I was a child). I say goodbye to the people in the house and when I open the door I Gasp as I see a HUGE Blizzard in the middle of summer is quickly piling the streets up with snow! I then start to panic as I realize the snow can end up trapping me inside and call car services in a frenzy trying to find one that will brave the snow before it piles up too high. I find one that will and I fight the blizzard to get in the car and -suddenly I wake up so shaken that I sit up immediately in be and my hands are literally shaking in front of me in panic. There's no demon or scary rotting walls or anything, but snow comes and I'm in just as much of a panic?
Trying to think of nice things before going to sleep hasn't worked so far. Do I just have to keep at it until it works, or do I just accept it doesn't? It really affects the quality of my sleep. How can I teach this part of my brain that I can't seem to reach that it's being silly and those people and houses don't exist anymore so I can get some decent sleep?
I don't have any contact with my parents anymore due to emotional abuse I had to endure as a child, but that was almost 2 decades ago. My life now is great and I'm happy in my waking hours. Problem is I still have nightmares that involve them forcing me to stay with them. Or even some strange event happening that forces me to be in the same house with them (exactly how I felt as a child; trapped and unable to break free from their presence. I've tried therapy in the past, but it didn't help much. After all I already knew what the therapist told me to be true and I did the exercises she said in my waking hours etc. This seems to be the part of my brain that can't be touched by conscious thinking so for that reason I suppose nothing I do in my happy normal waking hours seems to work once I go to sleep.
When I was in college and up to the age of 31 I had nightmares of being trapped in my childhood home, but it was dark and looked ghostly and demonic inside with the walls rotting etc, while it was sunny and nice outside. Something would be chasing me... a demon of some sort (though I never saw it) and I would end up escaping the house with the demon unable to catch up to me just in time. Though it would have a happy ending it was a reoccurring nightmare for years.
Now my nightmares are not the same one's happening over and over exactly. They are drastically different from one another, but they all have the theme of suddenly finding myself as an adult in one of the homes of my childhood (an aunt or uncle's home for example) and finding that I can't get out. The home is always nice and bright and there are no demons anywhere. Yet the panic is practically the same as I try to get out, and for whatever reason it's hard to leave. In my latest nightmare, in the middle of the summer I found myself at one of the houses I used to visit as a kid (in this case one of my aunts) and knowing my mother was there and that some other relatives would be coming soon, I decide to order a car service to take me back to my home and the ride would be roughly 2 hours (that was how long it used to take my parents to drive from her place to ours when I was a child). I say goodbye to the people in the house and when I open the door I Gasp as I see a HUGE Blizzard in the middle of summer is quickly piling the streets up with snow! I then start to panic as I realize the snow can end up trapping me inside and call car services in a frenzy trying to find one that will brave the snow before it piles up too high. I find one that will and I fight the blizzard to get in the car and -suddenly I wake up so shaken that I sit up immediately in be and my hands are literally shaking in front of me in panic. There's no demon or scary rotting walls or anything, but snow comes and I'm in just as much of a panic?
Trying to think of nice things before going to sleep hasn't worked so far. Do I just have to keep at it until it works, or do I just accept it doesn't? It really affects the quality of my sleep. How can I teach this part of my brain that I can't seem to reach that it's being silly and those people and houses don't exist anymore so I can get some decent sleep?
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Sleep is so important to our health but we really don't understand it very well. You could try a combination of things.
As suggested above, if you're currently taking any medication (for anything!) talk to your doctor about possible side effects and what you can switch up. It's also a good idea to talk to your doctor even if you're not taking any meds right now, as they can talk about the different things that can be prescribed (or gotten OTC) for your symptoms as they apply to you specifically, and they will be able to refer you to specialists if needed, too.
Another thing you could try is meditation. I myself do very badly with meditation, it triggers my anxiety in a way that's not at all helpful. But I have heard many anecdotes and read a lot about the positive effects of meditation, especially for people who have experienced trauma. It could be that some guided meditation as a transition between your day and bedtime could help you sleep, or meditation during the day could help you process trauma that you're not doing well processing while asleep. There are many different ways to meditate of course - my suggestion is to not start it out of the blue with no guidance, but to find someone to help. Either through books or videos or as part of therapy in person, whatever you have access to, and explore from there.
Nightmares can also be triggered by physical factors. It can seem silly but take stock of your sleeping setup. Are your blankets too heavy? Is it too hot or too cold, are there sounds that your mind interprets differently when asleep, are your pillows supportive in the right way so you're not putting pressure on parts of your body? Weird smells, maybe? Are you eating foods that encourage heartburn or gas? It's complicated, but remember that we're basically paralyzed when we dream (which is a good thing!) and our minds can make nightmares out of physical information that wouldn't be a problem at all when we're awake, partially because we're able to gather more information when awake by exploring things through touch and vision. Do you have nightmares when you're sleeping in a different place like a hotel bed or a friend's house? Are they different nightmares?
It might be a good idea to work with a therapist about this. I know you said that you tried therapy but there are many different kinds and therapists don't always mesh with patients. Especially if you frame it as your goal being good sleep and not getting rid of the nightmares, you might have a better therapy experience because that's a more concrete goal. A good therapist will be able to help you track the different things you've tried and explore different options with you, as well as work as a team with a medical doctor if you're interested in trying different chemical sleep aids.
posted by Mizu at 10:09 AM on June 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
As suggested above, if you're currently taking any medication (for anything!) talk to your doctor about possible side effects and what you can switch up. It's also a good idea to talk to your doctor even if you're not taking any meds right now, as they can talk about the different things that can be prescribed (or gotten OTC) for your symptoms as they apply to you specifically, and they will be able to refer you to specialists if needed, too.
Another thing you could try is meditation. I myself do very badly with meditation, it triggers my anxiety in a way that's not at all helpful. But I have heard many anecdotes and read a lot about the positive effects of meditation, especially for people who have experienced trauma. It could be that some guided meditation as a transition between your day and bedtime could help you sleep, or meditation during the day could help you process trauma that you're not doing well processing while asleep. There are many different ways to meditate of course - my suggestion is to not start it out of the blue with no guidance, but to find someone to help. Either through books or videos or as part of therapy in person, whatever you have access to, and explore from there.
Nightmares can also be triggered by physical factors. It can seem silly but take stock of your sleeping setup. Are your blankets too heavy? Is it too hot or too cold, are there sounds that your mind interprets differently when asleep, are your pillows supportive in the right way so you're not putting pressure on parts of your body? Weird smells, maybe? Are you eating foods that encourage heartburn or gas? It's complicated, but remember that we're basically paralyzed when we dream (which is a good thing!) and our minds can make nightmares out of physical information that wouldn't be a problem at all when we're awake, partially because we're able to gather more information when awake by exploring things through touch and vision. Do you have nightmares when you're sleeping in a different place like a hotel bed or a friend's house? Are they different nightmares?
It might be a good idea to work with a therapist about this. I know you said that you tried therapy but there are many different kinds and therapists don't always mesh with patients. Especially if you frame it as your goal being good sleep and not getting rid of the nightmares, you might have a better therapy experience because that's a more concrete goal. A good therapist will be able to help you track the different things you've tried and explore different options with you, as well as work as a team with a medical doctor if you're interested in trying different chemical sleep aids.
posted by Mizu at 10:09 AM on June 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
Is there anything going on in your life right now that makes you feel trapped or like there's a looming doom heading towards you? Have you been putting off making some necessary change, or are you not preparing for something that could happen?
Common issues would be debt/money problems, too much stuff/clutter, romantic relationship or friendship not working out, work stress, looming house repair issues, hurricane or other disaster season coming up.
posted by Ahniya at 11:21 AM on June 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
Common issues would be debt/money problems, too much stuff/clutter, romantic relationship or friendship not working out, work stress, looming house repair issues, hurricane or other disaster season coming up.
posted by Ahniya at 11:21 AM on June 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
Are you taking Prilosec or other heartburn meds? I took them for GERD for a week and they gave me horrible nightmares. Lots of meds can do that tho...i would def schedule a doctor visit, they make meds specifically to address chronic nightmares. You don't have to take them if you want to try other options first.
posted by ananci at 11:30 AM on June 21, 2018
posted by ananci at 11:30 AM on June 21, 2018
When I was in college and up to the age of 31 I had nightmares of being trapped in my childhood home, but it was dark and looked ghostly and demonic inside with the walls rotting etc, while it was sunny and nice outside. Something would be chasing me... a demon of some sort (though I never saw it) and I would end up escaping the house with the demon unable to catch up to me just in time. Though it would have a happy ending it was a reoccurring nightmare for years.
Now my nightmares are not the same one's happening over and over exactly. They are drastically different from one another, but they all have the theme of suddenly finding myself as an adult in one of the homes of my childhood (an aunt or uncle's home for example) and finding that I can't get out. The home is always nice and bright and there are no demons anywhere. Yet the panic is practically the same as I try to get out, and for whatever reason it's hard to leave. In my latest nightmare, in the middle of the summer I found myself at one of the houses I used to visit as a kid (in this case one of my aunts) and knowing my mother was there and that some other relatives would be coming soon, I decide to order a car service to take me back to my home and the ride would be roughly 2 hours (that was how long it used to take my parents to drive from her place to ours when I was a child). I say goodbye to the people in the house and when I open the door I Gasp as I see a HUGE Blizzard in the middle of summer is quickly piling the streets up with snow! I then start to panic as I realize the snow can end up trapping me inside . . .
After successfully escaping your abusive parents (congratulations!) you now face the problem of deciding how much of a relationship you want with the rest of your extended family.
Not having a family is hard, but if you do opt for a relationship you will again feel trapped, and constantly have to worry about unwanted and probably somewhat inevitable contact with your parents.
You might be able to short-circuit the nightmares by turning around and facing this (very difficult) issue directly in therapy.
Although then your nightmares will probably eventually find another issue to focus on -- which really isn't necessarily a bad thing, since the nightmare modality is very powerful, and you have clearly learned to use it to your ultimate benefit.
posted by jamjam at 11:33 AM on June 21, 2018
Now my nightmares are not the same one's happening over and over exactly. They are drastically different from one another, but they all have the theme of suddenly finding myself as an adult in one of the homes of my childhood (an aunt or uncle's home for example) and finding that I can't get out. The home is always nice and bright and there are no demons anywhere. Yet the panic is practically the same as I try to get out, and for whatever reason it's hard to leave. In my latest nightmare, in the middle of the summer I found myself at one of the houses I used to visit as a kid (in this case one of my aunts) and knowing my mother was there and that some other relatives would be coming soon, I decide to order a car service to take me back to my home and the ride would be roughly 2 hours (that was how long it used to take my parents to drive from her place to ours when I was a child). I say goodbye to the people in the house and when I open the door I Gasp as I see a HUGE Blizzard in the middle of summer is quickly piling the streets up with snow! I then start to panic as I realize the snow can end up trapping me inside . . .
After successfully escaping your abusive parents (congratulations!) you now face the problem of deciding how much of a relationship you want with the rest of your extended family.
Not having a family is hard, but if you do opt for a relationship you will again feel trapped, and constantly have to worry about unwanted and probably somewhat inevitable contact with your parents.
You might be able to short-circuit the nightmares by turning around and facing this (very difficult) issue directly in therapy.
Although then your nightmares will probably eventually find another issue to focus on -- which really isn't necessarily a bad thing, since the nightmare modality is very powerful, and you have clearly learned to use it to your ultimate benefit.
posted by jamjam at 11:33 AM on June 21, 2018
I take fluoxetine which gave me vivid dreams that were occasionally extremely gory and disturbing. My prescriber gave me two options to stop these from happening: gabapentin and prazosin. I still use the gabapentin nightly, but not the prazosin (it lowers my already low blood pressure). Perhaps ask your doctor about these.
posted by mkb at 12:13 PM on June 21, 2018
posted by mkb at 12:13 PM on June 21, 2018
I've had good results with keeping a journal (or now, a computer, although sleep experts don't agree on this) within easy access to where I sleep. In that past when I had a nightmare, I used to journal about it, describe it, including how it made me feel, and what it might mean, and then, after I'd calmed back down, I'd put myself back to bed in some sort of ritualistic, comforting way - a cup of herbal tea, lighting a scented candle briefly, rearranging the bedcovers and pillows, or even taking a hot bath with plenty of bubbles and scents.
This might not work at all for some people, but it really did for me.
posted by dancing_angel at 12:18 PM on June 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
This might not work at all for some people, but it really did for me.
posted by dancing_angel at 12:18 PM on June 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
I used to have similarly vivid, start-somewhere-random-but-end-in-this-place dreams about nuclear war, which is something that affected me greatly as a child (hi, Cold War baby here). They started to fade all on their own in the early 90s, but were hanging in there for a surprisingly long time - I think the last one I had (at least in that "wave") was in 1996, well after the Berlin Wall and Glasnost and such. That makes me think: it's true you may be free of your past, but your emotional self may still be processing it. So that's why the dreams come up.
I did have another dream more recently, once again after all these years, when the North Korea Twitter tensions were ramping up, but that's been it so far. And that leads me to the second point: that there may be external factors at play as well. I tried that for a while, examining "okay, is there anything else going on in my life right now thta is making me really scared?" That may also be part of what's going on - your brain is wrestling with some other feelings of fear, and when you sleep, and you're having a dream, your dream-script is saying, "oh, I know how to show what fear looks like" and pulls up that series of images. So the dream may be "about" something else, in part. It may be worth looking at that angle as well.
I say all this, though, as someone who was only disturbed by these nightmares once every few weeks; about 6-8 weeks between them. Are yours way more frequent? If so that may be its own problem; not the subject of the dreams, but the fact that they are that frequent.
In short: in my own experience these kinds of nightmares do go away with time, although if the frequency is debilitating right now that may be a separate problem to address.
Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:35 PM on June 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
I did have another dream more recently, once again after all these years, when the North Korea Twitter tensions were ramping up, but that's been it so far. And that leads me to the second point: that there may be external factors at play as well. I tried that for a while, examining "okay, is there anything else going on in my life right now thta is making me really scared?" That may also be part of what's going on - your brain is wrestling with some other feelings of fear, and when you sleep, and you're having a dream, your dream-script is saying, "oh, I know how to show what fear looks like" and pulls up that series of images. So the dream may be "about" something else, in part. It may be worth looking at that angle as well.
I say all this, though, as someone who was only disturbed by these nightmares once every few weeks; about 6-8 weeks between them. Are yours way more frequent? If so that may be its own problem; not the subject of the dreams, but the fact that they are that frequent.
In short: in my own experience these kinds of nightmares do go away with time, although if the frequency is debilitating right now that may be a separate problem to address.
Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:35 PM on June 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
I recently had a brief nightmare-control therapy class. We were given an exercise to do in which we wrote out the plotlines of our dreams, then wrote out what we, in the dreams, could do to change the outcome of the situation. The group leader told us to rewrite or meditate on a summary of our solutions just before going to sleep.
For example, one of my recurring nightmares is of being trapped between countries without the right travel documents, and being terrified of border authorities. One dream solution to this would be to simply concentrate, raise myself off the ground, and start flying away.
This sounds silly, but it has worked for me in the context of my recurring nightmare type. (When the nightmare is new, or I am not part of the nightmare's action, it isn't so effective.) It's not a perfect solution, but it would dovetail with keeping a dream journal if you tried it.
posted by Countess Elena at 1:10 PM on June 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
For example, one of my recurring nightmares is of being trapped between countries without the right travel documents, and being terrified of border authorities. One dream solution to this would be to simply concentrate, raise myself off the ground, and start flying away.
This sounds silly, but it has worked for me in the context of my recurring nightmare type. (When the nightmare is new, or I am not part of the nightmare's action, it isn't so effective.) It's not a perfect solution, but it would dovetail with keeping a dream journal if you tried it.
posted by Countess Elena at 1:10 PM on June 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
Low blood sugar can cause nightmares. So can sleep apnea.
posted by SyraCarol at 3:13 PM on June 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by SyraCarol at 3:13 PM on June 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
I have significantly more nightmares if I sleep on my left side. I didn't put it together until I read that this was a thing. In speaking with friends and family members, I found that this was not uncommon. My 5-year old nephew also hates sleeping on the "bad dream side." I was floored that he had put the association together with no prompting. YMMV.
posted by quince at 8:52 PM on June 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by quince at 8:52 PM on June 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
I have a whole slew of parasomnias. I am an overthinker and prone to a certain type of research geekiness, and knowing all of the names and details of all of the various phenomena (hypnopompic hallucinations! Exploding head syndrome! Sleep paralysis! Hypnic jerk! False awakening!) actually helps a part of my brain rationalize things, even while experiencing them. It doesn't fix or prevent nightmares, but being able to name what happened keeps me from being mildly traumatized all day, which helps reduce the chances of a sort of anxiety-driven vicious cycle.
Physically, sleeping on my back triggers horrendous nightmares (same for my SO, who occasionally has bad dreams but does not have sleep disorders like I do.)
posted by desuetude at 9:52 PM on June 21, 2018
Physically, sleeping on my back triggers horrendous nightmares (same for my SO, who occasionally has bad dreams but does not have sleep disorders like I do.)
posted by desuetude at 9:52 PM on June 21, 2018
Something that hasn’t been mentioned but that has helped me sleep well - ASMR videos (you can find a ton on YouTube). They’re very calming, and I can’t help but wonder if the ones involving personal attention may be beneficial in particular; for those, I’d recommend Gentle Whispering ASMR.
posted by Sakura3210 at 7:19 AM on June 22, 2018
posted by Sakura3210 at 7:19 AM on June 22, 2018
Could it be something you’re eating before bed? This happens to me with Trader Joe’s corn and chile salsa; if I eat it for dinner more than one night in a row, I have very vivid dreams/nightmares.
posted by elphaba at 2:00 PM on June 22, 2018
posted by elphaba at 2:00 PM on June 22, 2018
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posted by If only I had a penguin... at 9:48 AM on June 21, 2018 [3 favorites]