Make Meets End
June 19, 2018 11:53 PM Subscribe
I have a long-running blog. It's not about cake but, for the sake of this question, let's pretend it is. Although I myself am not a "baker," I love cake and have racked up thousands of posts about all the gorgeous cakes around the world. Other bakers often contact me through my blog to send quick notes of appreciation and whatnot. My problem is, sometimes they want to meet up.
A few times a year I'll get an email from someone -- usually bakers, but sometimes just fans of cake -- who's about to visit my city, asking me if we could meet. For many reasons (including things like privacy, general lack of time and major introversion), I really would rather not. It's difficult for me to say I'm not available because it's often phrased something like, "Hey, I'm coming this spring..." I can't exactly say "Sorry, busy the entire season!"
How can I turn people down without coming across as rude? In truth, a part of me is warmed by these requests, because I think it's nice when people reach out. It's just that I'm not socially inclined, particularly toward strangers I'll likely never see again, and these emails really weigh me down with guilt and anxiety. "Why not just try it once?" is definitely not an option for me.
FWIW, there is no commenting on my blog; I have never tried to create a sense of "community" and post virtually no personal details, so it's not like I've created a falsely welcoming atmosphere (though my tone is generally light-hearted and friendly).
Also FWIW, it's only been women who've contacted me, and they all know I am also a woman.
A few times a year I'll get an email from someone -- usually bakers, but sometimes just fans of cake -- who's about to visit my city, asking me if we could meet. For many reasons (including things like privacy, general lack of time and major introversion), I really would rather not. It's difficult for me to say I'm not available because it's often phrased something like, "Hey, I'm coming this spring..." I can't exactly say "Sorry, busy the entire season!"
How can I turn people down without coming across as rude? In truth, a part of me is warmed by these requests, because I think it's nice when people reach out. It's just that I'm not socially inclined, particularly toward strangers I'll likely never see again, and these emails really weigh me down with guilt and anxiety. "Why not just try it once?" is definitely not an option for me.
FWIW, there is no commenting on my blog; I have never tried to create a sense of "community" and post virtually no personal details, so it's not like I've created a falsely welcoming atmosphere (though my tone is generally light-hearted and friendly).
Also FWIW, it's only been women who've contacted me, and they all know I am also a woman.
How can I turn people down without coming across as rude? In truth, a part of me is warmed by these requests, because I think it's nice when people reach out. It's just that I'm not socially inclined, particularly toward strangers I'll likely never see again, and these emails really weigh me down with guilt and anxiety. "Why not just try it once?" is definitely not an option for me.
I live in a place that is popular for people to visit. My wife and I both post up our adventures and explorations on FB, IG, and so on. It's not that we are building a brand - but.... we want our friends/relatives/etc to see what we are up to, and not have to spend 939384 hours on the phone every week.
But, yeah, we have people who reach out - friends of friends of friends. And.... we are, believe it or not, very private people. And so, we tell people that. We'll meet them at a trailhead or bar or whatever. We can give advice on this or that or the other. We aren't hostile - But we do guard our privacy, because we value our downtime.
And honestly - we have met very few people who had trouble with good boundaries. Just set some boundaries and, to a very large extent, the problem manages itself through doing that.
There's no reason to be ashamed or whatever. We all have that line between our private and personal lives. You just need to communicate where yours is, and then live by it. We've found that pretty much everyone gets along well with clearly stated expectations and a little generosity. Pretty much everyone is just trying to get along.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 12:49 AM on June 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
I live in a place that is popular for people to visit. My wife and I both post up our adventures and explorations on FB, IG, and so on. It's not that we are building a brand - but.... we want our friends/relatives/etc to see what we are up to, and not have to spend 939384 hours on the phone every week.
But, yeah, we have people who reach out - friends of friends of friends. And.... we are, believe it or not, very private people. And so, we tell people that. We'll meet them at a trailhead or bar or whatever. We can give advice on this or that or the other. We aren't hostile - But we do guard our privacy, because we value our downtime.
And honestly - we have met very few people who had trouble with good boundaries. Just set some boundaries and, to a very large extent, the problem manages itself through doing that.
There's no reason to be ashamed or whatever. We all have that line between our private and personal lives. You just need to communicate where yours is, and then live by it. We've found that pretty much everyone gets along well with clearly stated expectations and a little generosity. Pretty much everyone is just trying to get along.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 12:49 AM on June 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
If it were me, I'd probably say something like: "Thanks for the note and thank for reading! I've got a lot of stuff going on right now and unfortunately I don't think I can commit at this point, but I appreciate the gesture and hope your trip is a blast anyway - there are some great cakes out here!" I'd be grateful, friendly and clear you're saying no, and I wouldn't feel obligated to give specific reason for declining. They don't need to know why - all they need to know if you're saying no.
I'll just add, I worked in a profession where people knew me and followed my work. Many times they wanted to meet up. Sometimes I'd polite say I am busy and sometimes I'd just ignore the requests and chalk it down to me not seeing it accidentally. You don't owe anyone hanging out with them. They'll probably move on and think nothing of it.
posted by AppleTurnover at 12:52 AM on June 20, 2018 [11 favorites]
I'll just add, I worked in a profession where people knew me and followed my work. Many times they wanted to meet up. Sometimes I'd polite say I am busy and sometimes I'd just ignore the requests and chalk it down to me not seeing it accidentally. You don't owe anyone hanging out with them. They'll probably move on and think nothing of it.
posted by AppleTurnover at 12:52 AM on June 20, 2018 [11 favorites]
Dear OP, I would be direct without revealing much information. Miss Manners has this great advice about just saying, "I couldn't possibly" without ever explaining why not because it is no one's business but your own. So I would respond by using some variation of what you wrote above and what shalom suggested. Here is an example: "I am happy to hear that you enjoy my blog, and warmed by your suggestion that we meet. Alas, that will not be possible. Thank you for reading. Have a great visit to CITY!"
these emails really weigh me down with guilt and anxiety Oh my dear, I am sorry to hear that. As a person who is medicated for anxiety and used to grapple a lot with guilt, I can emphasise. Please note that you do not owe your fans anything whatsoever. It is totally okay to say no to them. Forcing yourself to meet people you have no interest in meeting would be a disservice to them as well as to yourself. Truly. So go about your business in peace if you can. And congrats on having created such an amazing blog!
posted by Bella Donna at 1:59 AM on June 20, 2018 [6 favorites]
these emails really weigh me down with guilt and anxiety Oh my dear, I am sorry to hear that. As a person who is medicated for anxiety and used to grapple a lot with guilt, I can emphasise. Please note that you do not owe your fans anything whatsoever. It is totally okay to say no to them. Forcing yourself to meet people you have no interest in meeting would be a disservice to them as well as to yourself. Truly. So go about your business in peace if you can. And congrats on having created such an amazing blog!
posted by Bella Donna at 1:59 AM on June 20, 2018 [6 favorites]
I like AppleTurnover's phrasing. If you want to soften things even more (for your own sense of guilt, not because it's required), perhaps add some local cake-tasting advice. "While you're here, you should go to Cakestastic Bakery, get a small carrot cake (you have to ask -- they're not on display) and take it across the street to eat in the gorgeous park by the river!" You can say the same thing every time, and it'll feel friendly and welcoming.
posted by MangoNews at 3:31 AM on June 20, 2018 [15 favorites]
posted by MangoNews at 3:31 AM on June 20, 2018 [15 favorites]
You have to remember that for you it seems like you're saying no to a lot of people and may feel weird about it, or making excuses, but for them, it's just one "No." and each individual "No" is a totally AOK thing to do.
If there is ever, for example, a cake convention that you'll be attending, you can always say "Oh hey thanks, I'm not available then but I will be at XYZ Cake Convention in Chicago in 2019!" and not make it seem like such a brush off. No one deserves your time or attention. Be gracious and polite, maybe even make a suggestion for their trip "You might want to check out this hidden treasure cakery out on Main Street..." but just a polite "I'm sorry that won't be possible" Miss Manners no is fine.
I agree with others, find your line and stick to it, making yourself available in one way in no way obligates you to make yourself available in other ways.
posted by jessamyn at 6:53 AM on June 20, 2018 [3 favorites]
If there is ever, for example, a cake convention that you'll be attending, you can always say "Oh hey thanks, I'm not available then but I will be at XYZ Cake Convention in Chicago in 2019!" and not make it seem like such a brush off. No one deserves your time or attention. Be gracious and polite, maybe even make a suggestion for their trip "You might want to check out this hidden treasure cakery out on Main Street..." but just a polite "I'm sorry that won't be possible" Miss Manners no is fine.
I agree with others, find your line and stick to it, making yourself available in one way in no way obligates you to make yourself available in other ways.
posted by jessamyn at 6:53 AM on June 20, 2018 [3 favorites]
How kind of you to ask. I don't generally have time to schedule meetups, but while you're in %Town, check out the cakes at %Bakery and %Bakery. Not to be disloyal to cake, but the doughnuts at %Donutjoint should not be missed. Enjoy your visit.
posted by theora55 at 7:57 AM on June 20, 2018 [11 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 7:57 AM on June 20, 2018 [11 favorites]
I find it interesting that everybody's going the "very busy" white lie or the vague "won't be possible". What are we dancing around? I would be not at all offended if someone I know on the internet were to tell me that they never meet up with internet friends in real life.
Dear X, I was so pleased to get your email, I always love hearing from people who are fans of cake and my blog. I appreciate your reaching out, but I generally keep my internet cake work separate and prefer not to meet in person. I hope you enjoy City/Visit, and I'm happy to recommend Bakery X and Specialty Supply Shop Z if you have a chance while you're in the area. Thanks again for getting in touch.
posted by aimedwander at 10:32 AM on June 20, 2018 [10 favorites]
Dear X, I was so pleased to get your email, I always love hearing from people who are fans of cake and my blog. I appreciate your reaching out, but I generally keep my internet cake work separate and prefer not to meet in person. I hope you enjoy City/Visit, and I'm happy to recommend Bakery X and Specialty Supply Shop Z if you have a chance while you're in the area. Thanks again for getting in touch.
posted by aimedwander at 10:32 AM on June 20, 2018 [10 favorites]
Agree with aimedwander. "Thanks for the message! While I love hearing from readers over email, it's kind of a policy of mine that I don't make IRL contact. Sorry!"
This may feel prickly at first, but you might find that copying and pasting the text, then clicking "Send" before dwelling on it too much, will make it easier each time. You could also tell yourself that the people most likely to be put off by something this straightforward and honest might be the least likely to be the types you'd want to indulge in an IRL meetup.
posted by Rykey at 7:56 PM on June 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
This may feel prickly at first, but you might find that copying and pasting the text, then clicking "Send" before dwelling on it too much, will make it easier each time. You could also tell yourself that the people most likely to be put off by something this straightforward and honest might be the least likely to be the types you'd want to indulge in an IRL meetup.
posted by Rykey at 7:56 PM on June 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by shalom at 12:41 AM on June 20, 2018 [2 favorites]