What were your best approaches to potty training?
June 5, 2018 5:24 AM Subscribe
I'm tackling potty training my almost 3 year old little girl this weekend using the three day method. My question is sort of two-fold (what is the best approach to my specific situation (below) and did you have luck with pull ups or just sticking to panties only at nap/night.
My daughter was almost trained at 2 and doing great with it but one day while she was sitting on her potty for number two (I was making breakfast in a different room so I'm not exactly sure what even happened) it went everywhere- I didn't react much and just stayed calm, but she was terrified, crying and as much calming as I tried to do, or not making a big deal of it- since then she refuses to poop during the day even in her diaper, and will hold it until nightime while she's asleep. This has been a year of this. I'm going a little crazy, and I KNOW she is too. She gets wound up, upset, prances around and gets very anxious when she's actively holding it because she knows she has to go, but holds it in- I try to get her on the potty and explain when this happens, Ive shown videos and talked openly about it but nothing has worked, tried adding fiber and supplements all that stuff. Never changes, every 2 or 3 days she will go in her sleep after 24 hours of anxious behavior.
She's ready for the potty, excited about panties and all that stuff. I have some fun games and stickers and new things to do with her. I'm not too concerned about the number one, but the number too is worrying me because I'm afraid she is just going to keep messing her panties at night or nap time (she takes three hour naps still) and it will just freak her out more. I've explained to her that the store has no more diapers that fit her so Friday we have to start using panties. My questions are: What are you suggestions about pull ups at night and for nap time, or is it better to just rid of all panties? The first night/week, etc? How do I handle the accidents in panties at night/nap since she is going in her sleep without much thought. If she would just go once and realize it wont hurt or make a mess and it's okay on the potty, she will be fine... how do I get her out of this habit of holding it until she's asleep?
Have you talked to them to tell them to call for you at night and during nap when they need to go potty, or do I just expect a few accidents? Panties, or pullups at night/nap? Any suggestions or anyone that has had experience with this would be of great help!
My daughter was almost trained at 2 and doing great with it but one day while she was sitting on her potty for number two (I was making breakfast in a different room so I'm not exactly sure what even happened) it went everywhere- I didn't react much and just stayed calm, but she was terrified, crying and as much calming as I tried to do, or not making a big deal of it- since then she refuses to poop during the day even in her diaper, and will hold it until nightime while she's asleep. This has been a year of this. I'm going a little crazy, and I KNOW she is too. She gets wound up, upset, prances around and gets very anxious when she's actively holding it because she knows she has to go, but holds it in- I try to get her on the potty and explain when this happens, Ive shown videos and talked openly about it but nothing has worked, tried adding fiber and supplements all that stuff. Never changes, every 2 or 3 days she will go in her sleep after 24 hours of anxious behavior.
She's ready for the potty, excited about panties and all that stuff. I have some fun games and stickers and new things to do with her. I'm not too concerned about the number one, but the number too is worrying me because I'm afraid she is just going to keep messing her panties at night or nap time (she takes three hour naps still) and it will just freak her out more. I've explained to her that the store has no more diapers that fit her so Friday we have to start using panties. My questions are: What are you suggestions about pull ups at night and for nap time, or is it better to just rid of all panties? The first night/week, etc? How do I handle the accidents in panties at night/nap since she is going in her sleep without much thought. If she would just go once and realize it wont hurt or make a mess and it's okay on the potty, she will be fine... how do I get her out of this habit of holding it until she's asleep?
Have you talked to them to tell them to call for you at night and during nap when they need to go potty, or do I just expect a few accidents? Panties, or pullups at night/nap? Any suggestions or anyone that has had experience with this would be of great help!
Best answer: Have you discussed with her why she holds it in (inasmuch as an almost-3-year-old can verbalize that)? I feel like your approach is going to be different if it's because pooping causes her pain versus she's afraid of an explosion versus it's just icky.
I ask because I had a very similar years-long phase as a child and for me it was because I'm prone to constipation and ginormous poops, and going *hurt*. Like, a lot. So I just...wouldn't. I would fight my body and hold it in for days and days and sometimes even weeks, until it came out in my sleep when my muscles were relaxed and I couldn't fight it. My brain was not advanced enough to grasp the "the longer you hold it, the bigger and more painful it will get" connection, even if it was pointed out to me - not least because the way some nerves lay in the butt region, stuff going on there has a way of triggering the "can't logic, must panic" reflex even in adults.
And as lydhre points out, you do NOT want holding it in to be a long-term thing with your girl - I've got a permanently fucked-up digestive system and end up in the ER once a year or so with a fecal impaction, which is every bit as unpleasant as it sounds.
As far as handling her accidents - and, again, working off my own semi-remembered experience here - I would say to keep it low-key. I was acutely aware of my poop habits being shameful and something I needed to hide. I wouldn't have alerted my mom "oh hey I'm fighting it right now" or anything because of that shame, and you don't want to make poop coming out be any more scary/shameful for her, so I'd allow her pull-ups and privacy or whatever she needs for the near term, while you work with her and/or her doctor on figuring out what's going on and how you can make things easier for her. Fiber supplements may not be enough to soften things up if difficult poops are the problem - with your doctor's permission, you may find that small, steady doses of a gentle laxative like Miralax (which is unusual in that it can be used long-term) is a better option than things like fiber.
posted by This sockpuppet asks awkward questions at 6:41 AM on June 5, 2018 [1 favorite]
I ask because I had a very similar years-long phase as a child and for me it was because I'm prone to constipation and ginormous poops, and going *hurt*. Like, a lot. So I just...wouldn't. I would fight my body and hold it in for days and days and sometimes even weeks, until it came out in my sleep when my muscles were relaxed and I couldn't fight it. My brain was not advanced enough to grasp the "the longer you hold it, the bigger and more painful it will get" connection, even if it was pointed out to me - not least because the way some nerves lay in the butt region, stuff going on there has a way of triggering the "can't logic, must panic" reflex even in adults.
And as lydhre points out, you do NOT want holding it in to be a long-term thing with your girl - I've got a permanently fucked-up digestive system and end up in the ER once a year or so with a fecal impaction, which is every bit as unpleasant as it sounds.
As far as handling her accidents - and, again, working off my own semi-remembered experience here - I would say to keep it low-key. I was acutely aware of my poop habits being shameful and something I needed to hide. I wouldn't have alerted my mom "oh hey I'm fighting it right now" or anything because of that shame, and you don't want to make poop coming out be any more scary/shameful for her, so I'd allow her pull-ups and privacy or whatever she needs for the near term, while you work with her and/or her doctor on figuring out what's going on and how you can make things easier for her. Fiber supplements may not be enough to soften things up if difficult poops are the problem - with your doctor's permission, you may find that small, steady doses of a gentle laxative like Miralax (which is unusual in that it can be used long-term) is a better option than things like fiber.
posted by This sockpuppet asks awkward questions at 6:41 AM on June 5, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Yes, this is all what I'm worried about so want to do what I can now- thank you for sharing your story, it's helpful in understanding. I've talked to pedí did the miralax thing, nothing seems to help her. I know it's because she holds it so she's constipated and it hurts to come out bc she's holding it, it does worry me, and I hate seeing her upset and always anxious trying to keep it in. She seems to understand what I'm saying so I'll keep talking to her about it and try her pediatrician again.
posted by MamaBee223 at 6:47 AM on June 5, 2018
posted by MamaBee223 at 6:47 AM on June 5, 2018
Oh, and two more medical-side suggestions since you clarified that you're working with your doctor on this, though IANAD and you've got your own to advise you! Have you discussed with the doc:
* Whether any of the chronic constipation drugs currently on the market are safe for your child? I think Amitiza might be usable in at least some children (though I dunno about children as young as yours), and my sense is that as IBS (which can be constipation-based as well as diarrhea-based), etc becomes a more well-known medical issue, the number of pharma options is increasing. Long-term drugs like that are probably a last resort, but they may still be sometime to keep in the back of your minds.
* How much Miralax you can safely give her per day? I'm an adult, so obviously dosage is hugely different for me than a toddler, but I was surprised when my doctor told me that for me, it would be safe to take up to four full-sized (17g?) doses of the stuff per day if that's what it took for me. So if you've been giving her small doses per the label, there may be room to try increasing them.
posted by This sockpuppet asks awkward questions at 7:00 AM on June 5, 2018
* Whether any of the chronic constipation drugs currently on the market are safe for your child? I think Amitiza might be usable in at least some children (though I dunno about children as young as yours), and my sense is that as IBS (which can be constipation-based as well as diarrhea-based), etc becomes a more well-known medical issue, the number of pharma options is increasing. Long-term drugs like that are probably a last resort, but they may still be sometime to keep in the back of your minds.
* How much Miralax you can safely give her per day? I'm an adult, so obviously dosage is hugely different for me than a toddler, but I was surprised when my doctor told me that for me, it would be safe to take up to four full-sized (17g?) doses of the stuff per day if that's what it took for me. So if you've been giving her small doses per the label, there may be room to try increasing them.
posted by This sockpuppet asks awkward questions at 7:00 AM on June 5, 2018
Best answer: Working as a behaviorist, I once had a young client who would hold it for ten days at a time and was understandably miserable. What helped him was this: every day after school, his mom would have him sit on the toilet for 20 minutes with a big stack of picture books to look at. That was it. There was no discussion of pooping, no encouragement to do it in the potty, just “let’s hang out and do a thing you enjoy while you’re sitting on the toilet.” It helped to make the toilet less of a focal point for anxiety and arguments and eventually, the kid was pooping like clockwork whenever he sat.
I would keep the pull ups at night, if that’s the only time she’ll go. But making the bathroom fun in a low-key way that doesn’t involve a lot of words might help.
posted by corey flood at 7:13 AM on June 5, 2018 [6 favorites]
I would keep the pull ups at night, if that’s the only time she’ll go. But making the bathroom fun in a low-key way that doesn’t involve a lot of words might help.
posted by corey flood at 7:13 AM on June 5, 2018 [6 favorites]
Similar to corey flood, we did "poop stories" for a while, where she'd sit on the potty and I'd sit in a chair and read to her, just to shift her attention from the bodily function and onto something else. A phone game or short video (especially if it's a special treat! only for potty time!) could also be distracting enough.
posted by nkknkk at 8:49 AM on June 5, 2018
posted by nkknkk at 8:49 AM on June 5, 2018
My best approach was to drop it when the kid was having issues. There's no point doing hardcore training, lying about pullup availability, talking, cajoling, rewards, videos or anything else to get her to poop on the toilet. Just let it go. You don't want to get into a world of constipation and medication and laxatives and forcing her to sit on the toilet. Give her the pull-ups and let her wear them when she wants to poop.
If she poops in them, have her go to the bathroom, you can teach her how to wipe, and she can either put on clean undies or a clean pullup.
Do not make a big deal out of this. I say this as a parent of 3; just leave it alone. Very few, if any, kids graduate from high school still pooping in diapers.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 11:07 AM on June 5, 2018 [1 favorite]
If she poops in them, have her go to the bathroom, you can teach her how to wipe, and she can either put on clean undies or a clean pullup.
Do not make a big deal out of this. I say this as a parent of 3; just leave it alone. Very few, if any, kids graduate from high school still pooping in diapers.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 11:07 AM on June 5, 2018 [1 favorite]
I don't know if this will help your daughter or not, but here's our story:
My son would not poop in the toilet. Just would not. There wasn't a traumatic experience that I knew about, and he handled peeing just fine. But he wouldn't poop in the bathroom. He'd go in his room, close the door and poop in his underwear or a pull-up. We tried everything we could thing of and got nowhere. I have no idea how many toilet training approaches I read about. Nothing worked. In the meantime, he went to preschool, then kindergarten, first, second, and third grade. No accidents at school; he'd just hold it all day and poop in his pants in his bedroom at night.
We moved from a smaller town to the outskirts of Houston and befriended a child psychologist who had interned under one of Houston's leading experts for toileting issues. He recommended us to her, and we made an appointment. Her approach was very incremental. For three weeks we gathered data, charting when he pooped, where he pooped, and what position he was in. Then we tried moving him into the bathroom. For three weeks he pooped in a pull-up, in the (kind of weird) position he was used to. Then we did three weeks of pooping in the bathroom, in a pull-up, in a squatting position. That took a while to become habit, so we extended that to six weeks. Then we tried putting him on the toilet in a pull-up and letting him poop that way, just to get used to sitting on a toilet. After a couple of weeks of that I ran out of pull-ups one day, and asked him if he wanted me to buy some or if he wanted to try pooping straight into the toilet. He pooped in the toilet for the first time that day. He's nine.
We are pretty much at the end of the process, after working methodically since January. Today marks seven days in a row that he has pooped in the toilet (and nowhere else.)
Your child is much younger and might not need an incremental process like this one. But it's the only thing that worked for us. The psychologists we worked with emphasized a no-shame, no-stress, high positivity approach. Lots of praise for every incremental step toward pooping the proper way. I don't know what they would advise you to do, but based on our experience, I'd say it's worth trying to take the tinies possible step, like asking her to poop in a pull-up, in bed, but while she's still awake, and see if you can get that to happen. Then, by slow increments back to the toilet.
One thing I've found from talking to other parents about this is there are a LOT of kids who struggle with pooping. But it's shameful to talk about your third grader who still poops their pants, so most of us don't know just how many other parents are dealing with this. And, of course, I've learned that there are super-helpful experts out there who specialize in this stuff. If you're close to an urban center, there's certainly one for you, if you can find them. The psych department at a children's hospital can probably help you.
I realize this might seem like making too big a deal of it. Maybe it is. I'd just encourage you to keep this in the back of your mind in case the months start turning into years like it did for us.
TL, DR: poop problems are more common than you think; experts are available if you need them.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 5:10 PM on June 5, 2018 [3 favorites]
My son would not poop in the toilet. Just would not. There wasn't a traumatic experience that I knew about, and he handled peeing just fine. But he wouldn't poop in the bathroom. He'd go in his room, close the door and poop in his underwear or a pull-up. We tried everything we could thing of and got nowhere. I have no idea how many toilet training approaches I read about. Nothing worked. In the meantime, he went to preschool, then kindergarten, first, second, and third grade. No accidents at school; he'd just hold it all day and poop in his pants in his bedroom at night.
We moved from a smaller town to the outskirts of Houston and befriended a child psychologist who had interned under one of Houston's leading experts for toileting issues. He recommended us to her, and we made an appointment. Her approach was very incremental. For three weeks we gathered data, charting when he pooped, where he pooped, and what position he was in. Then we tried moving him into the bathroom. For three weeks he pooped in a pull-up, in the (kind of weird) position he was used to. Then we did three weeks of pooping in the bathroom, in a pull-up, in a squatting position. That took a while to become habit, so we extended that to six weeks. Then we tried putting him on the toilet in a pull-up and letting him poop that way, just to get used to sitting on a toilet. After a couple of weeks of that I ran out of pull-ups one day, and asked him if he wanted me to buy some or if he wanted to try pooping straight into the toilet. He pooped in the toilet for the first time that day. He's nine.
We are pretty much at the end of the process, after working methodically since January. Today marks seven days in a row that he has pooped in the toilet (and nowhere else.)
Your child is much younger and might not need an incremental process like this one. But it's the only thing that worked for us. The psychologists we worked with emphasized a no-shame, no-stress, high positivity approach. Lots of praise for every incremental step toward pooping the proper way. I don't know what they would advise you to do, but based on our experience, I'd say it's worth trying to take the tinies possible step, like asking her to poop in a pull-up, in bed, but while she's still awake, and see if you can get that to happen. Then, by slow increments back to the toilet.
One thing I've found from talking to other parents about this is there are a LOT of kids who struggle with pooping. But it's shameful to talk about your third grader who still poops their pants, so most of us don't know just how many other parents are dealing with this. And, of course, I've learned that there are super-helpful experts out there who specialize in this stuff. If you're close to an urban center, there's certainly one for you, if you can find them. The psych department at a children's hospital can probably help you.
I realize this might seem like making too big a deal of it. Maybe it is. I'd just encourage you to keep this in the back of your mind in case the months start turning into years like it did for us.
TL, DR: poop problems are more common than you think; experts are available if you need them.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 5:10 PM on June 5, 2018 [3 favorites]
Hey, I've been through something like this with little ones.
I would not push on the undies too hard. ("Hey kiddo, good news! We found some special pull-ups that are big enough!"). Let her keep those for nap and night time, or you'll wind up with more mess and possibly more shame, which could keep the issue going far longer.
Instead, I'd keep encouraging the pee potty time and reassure her that pooping might take longer, which is OK.
From talking to the doctors at the time, there are usually three possible situations:
- Pooping is just harder than pee / I had one bad poop and it scared me. In which case, time itself will take care of the issue. Having special book or tv time for a long sit is a great solution. We had a lot of prune juice and board books, it solved the issue for one child after a few weeks.
- Pooping is scary because of one time, but now I'm in a bad pooping cycle. In which case, short term constipation aids plus a relaxed attitude help kiddo to move into "pooping is fine".
- Pooping is scary because there is something Wrong. In which case, some more extreme medical solutions might be necessary. Usually this is uncovered only when steps 1 and 2 fail, although it's certainly worth talking to the doctor early about too. (Ask me about our fun hospital stay with the other kid.)
In either of these instances, pushing for undies didn't work. Patience and "hey-oh, no problem, here's your pull-up for sleeping time" did. I realize that can be an issue for daycares, but, well, short term versus long term.
Also - for kiddo who just needed time, it actually helped for them to clean up accidents themselves. They were in charge of putting the diaper in the trash and then using a wipe; we then helped finish up and wash their hands. It was not at all to punish them. Instead, they felt responsible ("big kids take care of the whole potty themselves") and something about physically handling it instead of it being whisked away in silence helped make the whole thing less scary. I mean, it was a little messy and gross and YMMV, but they took a lot of pride in it, more than the stickers even.
posted by hapaxes.legomenon at 7:53 PM on June 6, 2018
I would not push on the undies too hard. ("Hey kiddo, good news! We found some special pull-ups that are big enough!"). Let her keep those for nap and night time, or you'll wind up with more mess and possibly more shame, which could keep the issue going far longer.
Instead, I'd keep encouraging the pee potty time and reassure her that pooping might take longer, which is OK.
From talking to the doctors at the time, there are usually three possible situations:
- Pooping is just harder than pee / I had one bad poop and it scared me. In which case, time itself will take care of the issue. Having special book or tv time for a long sit is a great solution. We had a lot of prune juice and board books, it solved the issue for one child after a few weeks.
- Pooping is scary because of one time, but now I'm in a bad pooping cycle. In which case, short term constipation aids plus a relaxed attitude help kiddo to move into "pooping is fine".
- Pooping is scary because there is something Wrong. In which case, some more extreme medical solutions might be necessary. Usually this is uncovered only when steps 1 and 2 fail, although it's certainly worth talking to the doctor early about too. (Ask me about our fun hospital stay with the other kid.)
In either of these instances, pushing for undies didn't work. Patience and "hey-oh, no problem, here's your pull-up for sleeping time" did. I realize that can be an issue for daycares, but, well, short term versus long term.
Also - for kiddo who just needed time, it actually helped for them to clean up accidents themselves. They were in charge of putting the diaper in the trash and then using a wipe; we then helped finish up and wash their hands. It was not at all to punish them. Instead, they felt responsible ("big kids take care of the whole potty themselves") and something about physically handling it instead of it being whisked away in silence helped make the whole thing less scary. I mean, it was a little messy and gross and YMMV, but they took a lot of pride in it, more than the stickers even.
posted by hapaxes.legomenon at 7:53 PM on June 6, 2018
It sounds like you're doing a great job so far with not punishing her and helping her get to where she needs to be so give yourself a pat on the back for that!
I agree with corey flood in that you don't even want to push the rewards very much. For a lot of kids, it just heightens the anxiety. Make it as matter of fact as you can - even a 3-year-old knows that "big people" don't wear diapers and I'm sure she'd love to try some panties. That right there is reward enough. I love the idea of just having time on the toilet with no expectation to poop.
Also one thing I've found that works in all types of parenting issues is to say something like, "you know I've been reading online (or whatever) and it looks like a lot of kids poop only at night like this but then they grow out of it. One thing that I've read is that it can really help to just get used to sitting on the potty so while we're working on panties and peeing in the daytime, we're going to start spending a little more time in the bathroom with you just sitting on the potty to get comfy. We can read books or sing songs or something fun like that!"
(just to make it clear - the important part is to let them know that this is common, they aren't a weirdo, and there is a path out of this)
One more thing - if you do try this "hanging out" method, try to stay away from letting her play with your phone or some other high desire activity that you don't necessarily want to continue with after this is resolved. You'll likely be fine with her taking a book to read into the bathroom but hearing, "Mommy I need to go potty, can I have your phone?" multiple times a day for the next ten years is going to get real old real fast. :-)
posted by dawkins_7 at 11:42 AM on June 7, 2018
I agree with corey flood in that you don't even want to push the rewards very much. For a lot of kids, it just heightens the anxiety. Make it as matter of fact as you can - even a 3-year-old knows that "big people" don't wear diapers and I'm sure she'd love to try some panties. That right there is reward enough. I love the idea of just having time on the toilet with no expectation to poop.
Also one thing I've found that works in all types of parenting issues is to say something like, "you know I've been reading online (or whatever) and it looks like a lot of kids poop only at night like this but then they grow out of it. One thing that I've read is that it can really help to just get used to sitting on the potty so while we're working on panties and peeing in the daytime, we're going to start spending a little more time in the bathroom with you just sitting on the potty to get comfy. We can read books or sing songs or something fun like that!"
(just to make it clear - the important part is to let them know that this is common, they aren't a weirdo, and there is a path out of this)
One more thing - if you do try this "hanging out" method, try to stay away from letting her play with your phone or some other high desire activity that you don't necessarily want to continue with after this is resolved. You'll likely be fine with her taking a book to read into the bathroom but hearing, "Mommy I need to go potty, can I have your phone?" multiple times a day for the next ten years is going to get real old real fast. :-)
posted by dawkins_7 at 11:42 AM on June 7, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by lydhre at 6:05 AM on June 5, 2018 [3 favorites]