Just been thrown out of my friend's house; I was rude, but now what?
June 1, 2018 5:02 PM Subscribe
My friend has been in what I would term an emotionally abusive relationship for several years. I have maintained a cordial if wary relationship with her partner for the sake of keeping in touch with her and their child. Unfortunately, tonight, as the partner was yelling and kvetching as my friend was trying to watch a much anticipated TV show, I called them out on it in not my finest style; got told to "get the fuck out of my house". Left immediately, but now what? How would you move forward? Epic snowflakes.
Reading through my past questions you'd think that my whole social circle was toxic, but it's just this particular awful dynamic, one weird woman and a couple of dodgy boyfriend choices. Honestly. 99% of my friends are awesome, easy-going and kind. I don't have much experience dealing with sticky situations, hence coming to Ask's Human Relations for advice. Please note, I would happily have nothing to do with partner if it wasn't for friend and child.
So I visit this family (friend, her partner, small daughter) for dinner and TV watching perhaps once every three weeks or so, because that is what they do with their evenings and I want to stay involved in their lives for the sake of my friend. I'm about the only person who does visit apart from friend's immediate family as hardly anyone gets along with my friend's partner.
I'm absolutely not innocent here. I have a tendency to provide somewhat snarky commentary to TV shows we watch together and I know that can be deeply irritating if you're engrossed in something in a non-ironic way. The partner has fairly gently called me out on this before, for example with the recent Royal Wedding partner didn't appreciate a particularly republican comment of mine. As soon as I realised that partner's feelings towards the wedding were very different, I apologised, shut up and went to play with the dog in the garden. Fine, didn't bother me. Didn't think about it again, until now.
But tonight, it all got out of hand... We'd been watching a show set in partner's childhood town. I'd been fixing their daughter's iPad at that time, so I imagine was probably asking quite a few questions throughout the show, for password info, etc. I don't remember having any particular conversation other than that during the show, but it's possible. I was focused on what I was doing.
The iPad gets fixed, another show, general positive chat about content with friend, partner and daughter. All seems fine. Partner is talking about cooking me a special dinner to say thanks for fixing the iPad. Lovely.
Afterwards, a show comes on that friend has been keenly anticipating, a documentary on a particular art form. I was really excited to watch too as it was something I'd never heard of. From the start, partner starts laying into every aspect of the show, calling people fakes, fools, saying the artwork was boring, didn't know how anyone could bear it, so much better out there, just like xyz types of artwork that partner also hates, how she has no respect for the film makers because they would think something like this worth bothering with. Partner doesn't just comment, she actively tries to get friend into an argument, repeatedly questioning her on why anyone could ever be interested in anything like this. And we're not talking niche, we're talking something like the artwork of an entire nation.
The frustrating thing, we don't yet know why anyone would be interested, because we can't flipping hear anything over the top of partner's griping. Friend points this out, very delicately, but partner keeps on and on and on trying to provoke an argument, distracting my friend who is simply trying to get partner to leave it alone. After about fifteen or twenty minutes of this, I suggested quite quietly that the people looked amazing and maybe we'll find out why the work is important if we just watch. But partner continued and I was getting more and more pissed off on my friend's behalf because I knew that she'd really really been anticipating this show.
So I got mad, probably for the first time ever in their house, well, at least openly. I said quite sharply to partner that perhaps if they weren't interested they could find something else to do, then jumped up and imitated partner telling people on the TV they were idiots. At the time I just thought partner was being so ridiculous. And now I feel ridiculous because, yeah, predictably, it went down like a lead balloon.
Partner immediately stood up and yelled, "Get the fuck out of my house! Who do you think you are, telling me what to do, what opinions to have in my own home? You talk all over stuff I want to watch all the time! You need to wind your fucking neck in!"
I went cold. Friend was trying to appease partner, but they stormed off. I told her I was leaving and she started apologising to me. I told her that perhaps partner had a point, but wow. I told friend not to worry about it. I said goodbye to their daughter as calmly and warmly as I could - the little one was keeping her nose buried in the iPad but sweetly thanked me for fixing it.
As I was putting on my shoes, my hands were shaking. Partner came back down, still raging, to get their daughter to put her to bed. I quietly said to partner, "I didn't tell you what to think. I just thought friend wanted to watch the show rather than argue about it," which I now feel crappy about because I feel like I dropped friend in it. Partner, yelling: "You often say stuff that's over the line and I've not said anything, but you need to know that I'm not putting up with shit like that in my own home!" My friend hugged me goodbye, saying we'd speak tomorrow, and I left.
So here I am, back at home. What to do? Tomorrow we were due to go together as a foursome to do an informal remembrance ceremony of someone who was a part of their family, but who I also loved. I assume I will not be welcome.
Before writing this, I almost texted partner to say sorry for the rude behaviour. I feel like for friend's sake I'm going to have to suck it up and be the bad guy because based on previous experience partner won't be meeting me halfway. I would have to eat sufficient humble pie, then they will be very magnanimous whilst still getting in the last word.
It's such a silly niggly argument, on one hand, and part of me is thinking, "You're gonna let this be a big deal, doornoise?" There's a big heap of shitty truth in what partner said, as well. I do skirt close to the edge sometimes, forgetting people's feelings in the interests of making some dumb joke.
But part of me is completely and utterly fed up with biting my lip. Fed up with this person constantly riding roughshod over my friend's life when all she gives in return is love and consideration. And part of me just remembered the time, literally last week, when partner came over to my house and told me that my most treasured painting was awful and I should get rid of it (my reaction was a bland "How interesting", which I'm guessing factored into my short patience and overblown reaction tonight). And I feel even more fucking enmeshed than I was already.
Thanks for getting to the end of that flurry. I guess my question is, how to deal with this tomorrow when the dust's settled? I accept that my childish imitation of partner wasn't cute, at all, and I would be super pissed off if someone shut me down in a similar way. I love my friend so much, and I don't want to be responsible for making her life even more difficult. And partner has a history of cutting her off from friends, in classic abuser style. Sigh.
Any and all advice gratefully received.
Reading through my past questions you'd think that my whole social circle was toxic, but it's just this particular awful dynamic, one weird woman and a couple of dodgy boyfriend choices. Honestly. 99% of my friends are awesome, easy-going and kind. I don't have much experience dealing with sticky situations, hence coming to Ask's Human Relations for advice. Please note, I would happily have nothing to do with partner if it wasn't for friend and child.
So I visit this family (friend, her partner, small daughter) for dinner and TV watching perhaps once every three weeks or so, because that is what they do with their evenings and I want to stay involved in their lives for the sake of my friend. I'm about the only person who does visit apart from friend's immediate family as hardly anyone gets along with my friend's partner.
I'm absolutely not innocent here. I have a tendency to provide somewhat snarky commentary to TV shows we watch together and I know that can be deeply irritating if you're engrossed in something in a non-ironic way. The partner has fairly gently called me out on this before, for example with the recent Royal Wedding partner didn't appreciate a particularly republican comment of mine. As soon as I realised that partner's feelings towards the wedding were very different, I apologised, shut up and went to play with the dog in the garden. Fine, didn't bother me. Didn't think about it again, until now.
But tonight, it all got out of hand... We'd been watching a show set in partner's childhood town. I'd been fixing their daughter's iPad at that time, so I imagine was probably asking quite a few questions throughout the show, for password info, etc. I don't remember having any particular conversation other than that during the show, but it's possible. I was focused on what I was doing.
The iPad gets fixed, another show, general positive chat about content with friend, partner and daughter. All seems fine. Partner is talking about cooking me a special dinner to say thanks for fixing the iPad. Lovely.
Afterwards, a show comes on that friend has been keenly anticipating, a documentary on a particular art form. I was really excited to watch too as it was something I'd never heard of. From the start, partner starts laying into every aspect of the show, calling people fakes, fools, saying the artwork was boring, didn't know how anyone could bear it, so much better out there, just like xyz types of artwork that partner also hates, how she has no respect for the film makers because they would think something like this worth bothering with. Partner doesn't just comment, she actively tries to get friend into an argument, repeatedly questioning her on why anyone could ever be interested in anything like this. And we're not talking niche, we're talking something like the artwork of an entire nation.
The frustrating thing, we don't yet know why anyone would be interested, because we can't flipping hear anything over the top of partner's griping. Friend points this out, very delicately, but partner keeps on and on and on trying to provoke an argument, distracting my friend who is simply trying to get partner to leave it alone. After about fifteen or twenty minutes of this, I suggested quite quietly that the people looked amazing and maybe we'll find out why the work is important if we just watch. But partner continued and I was getting more and more pissed off on my friend's behalf because I knew that she'd really really been anticipating this show.
So I got mad, probably for the first time ever in their house, well, at least openly. I said quite sharply to partner that perhaps if they weren't interested they could find something else to do, then jumped up and imitated partner telling people on the TV they were idiots. At the time I just thought partner was being so ridiculous. And now I feel ridiculous because, yeah, predictably, it went down like a lead balloon.
Partner immediately stood up and yelled, "Get the fuck out of my house! Who do you think you are, telling me what to do, what opinions to have in my own home? You talk all over stuff I want to watch all the time! You need to wind your fucking neck in!"
I went cold. Friend was trying to appease partner, but they stormed off. I told her I was leaving and she started apologising to me. I told her that perhaps partner had a point, but wow. I told friend not to worry about it. I said goodbye to their daughter as calmly and warmly as I could - the little one was keeping her nose buried in the iPad but sweetly thanked me for fixing it.
As I was putting on my shoes, my hands were shaking. Partner came back down, still raging, to get their daughter to put her to bed. I quietly said to partner, "I didn't tell you what to think. I just thought friend wanted to watch the show rather than argue about it," which I now feel crappy about because I feel like I dropped friend in it. Partner, yelling: "You often say stuff that's over the line and I've not said anything, but you need to know that I'm not putting up with shit like that in my own home!" My friend hugged me goodbye, saying we'd speak tomorrow, and I left.
So here I am, back at home. What to do? Tomorrow we were due to go together as a foursome to do an informal remembrance ceremony of someone who was a part of their family, but who I also loved. I assume I will not be welcome.
Before writing this, I almost texted partner to say sorry for the rude behaviour. I feel like for friend's sake I'm going to have to suck it up and be the bad guy because based on previous experience partner won't be meeting me halfway. I would have to eat sufficient humble pie, then they will be very magnanimous whilst still getting in the last word.
It's such a silly niggly argument, on one hand, and part of me is thinking, "You're gonna let this be a big deal, doornoise?" There's a big heap of shitty truth in what partner said, as well. I do skirt close to the edge sometimes, forgetting people's feelings in the interests of making some dumb joke.
But part of me is completely and utterly fed up with biting my lip. Fed up with this person constantly riding roughshod over my friend's life when all she gives in return is love and consideration. And part of me just remembered the time, literally last week, when partner came over to my house and told me that my most treasured painting was awful and I should get rid of it (my reaction was a bland "How interesting", which I'm guessing factored into my short patience and overblown reaction tonight). And I feel even more fucking enmeshed than I was already.
Thanks for getting to the end of that flurry. I guess my question is, how to deal with this tomorrow when the dust's settled? I accept that my childish imitation of partner wasn't cute, at all, and I would be super pissed off if someone shut me down in a similar way. I love my friend so much, and I don't want to be responsible for making her life even more difficult. And partner has a history of cutting her off from friends, in classic abuser style. Sigh.
Any and all advice gratefully received.
Response by poster: I am a straight woman. Friend and partner are two gay women, if that makes any difference. No romantic feelings on my side or my friend's side.
Sorry with the lack of pronouns, but I was trying to avoid too much 'she-ing' in the question.
posted by doornoise at 5:50 PM on June 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
Sorry with the lack of pronouns, but I was trying to avoid too much 'she-ing' in the question.
posted by doornoise at 5:50 PM on June 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
Apologies for assumptions.
posted by jessamyn at 5:58 PM on June 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by jessamyn at 5:58 PM on June 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
This friendship might be over, honestly. You're very obviously The Enemy in the abuser's brain now and I would bet that she cuts your friend off from you immediately.
(note: I speak as someone who managed to negotiate this sort of situation by never openly coming out against the abuser until she chose to leave him.)
I get your frustration big time, but once you become a public enemy to the abuser, you're gonna be out of their lives unless your friend ever leaves the jerk. If you ever see them again, I'd apologize out the wazoo as abjectly as possible even if it makes you sick to your stomach, but I'm not sure that would even work.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:59 PM on June 1, 2018
(note: I speak as someone who managed to negotiate this sort of situation by never openly coming out against the abuser until she chose to leave him.)
I get your frustration big time, but once you become a public enemy to the abuser, you're gonna be out of their lives unless your friend ever leaves the jerk. If you ever see them again, I'd apologize out the wazoo as abjectly as possible even if it makes you sick to your stomach, but I'm not sure that would even work.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:59 PM on June 1, 2018
by far the worst of all this is that the two of you got into it in front of the couple's daughter and I cant quite tell if you're acknowledging it or glossing over it. like this:
As I was putting on my shoes, my hands were shaking. Partner came back down, still raging, to get their daughter to put her to bed. I quietly said to partner, "I didn't tell you what to think. I just thought friend wanted to watch the show rather than argue about it," which I now feel crappy about because I feel like I dropped friend in it
don't feel bad about that, feel bad that you dropped their daughter in it. who was if I read this correctly right there (the whole time?) getting got for bed, when you, shaking-upset, went up to her mom to continue the dispute. sure, you don't stop being mad right away, continuing an argument that way is perfectly understandable. unless there's a child right there.
your friend sounds very well used to appeasing and apologizing to both you and her partner, letting both of you take up more space in any room than she does. I don't mean by that that you're equally a bully, or any kind of abuser at all. but your friend's willingness to accept a yelling fight in her home, to try to smooth it over by apologizing to you for her partner (and after you left, maybe apologizing to her partner for her friend?) -- you have to keep in mind that when your friend tells you she's sorry about how things went and it's not your fault and so on, she's habituated to that kind of placatory behavior as a survival skill. be very, very wary of ever taking it as evidence that you were in the right. she lets her partner be right, too.
the problem with associating with a couple like this is that no matter what you do, the partner's guaranteed to be worse. so if she's belligerent and abusive, you can be better than her in every single situation without it meaning that you were behaving well, because whatever you do, this woman's always louder and ruder and meaner than you and your friend's always apologetic, so you never get the kind of perspective check on yourself crossing a line that you would with a healthy couple. I don't think you should keep seeing them as a family, even if it means you see your friend less often, because you are not supporting or helping their kid by fighting with one of her parents in this uncontrolled public way.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:25 PM on June 1, 2018 [33 favorites]
As I was putting on my shoes, my hands were shaking. Partner came back down, still raging, to get their daughter to put her to bed. I quietly said to partner, "I didn't tell you what to think. I just thought friend wanted to watch the show rather than argue about it," which I now feel crappy about because I feel like I dropped friend in it
don't feel bad about that, feel bad that you dropped their daughter in it. who was if I read this correctly right there (the whole time?) getting got for bed, when you, shaking-upset, went up to her mom to continue the dispute. sure, you don't stop being mad right away, continuing an argument that way is perfectly understandable. unless there's a child right there.
your friend sounds very well used to appeasing and apologizing to both you and her partner, letting both of you take up more space in any room than she does. I don't mean by that that you're equally a bully, or any kind of abuser at all. but your friend's willingness to accept a yelling fight in her home, to try to smooth it over by apologizing to you for her partner (and after you left, maybe apologizing to her partner for her friend?) -- you have to keep in mind that when your friend tells you she's sorry about how things went and it's not your fault and so on, she's habituated to that kind of placatory behavior as a survival skill. be very, very wary of ever taking it as evidence that you were in the right. she lets her partner be right, too.
the problem with associating with a couple like this is that no matter what you do, the partner's guaranteed to be worse. so if she's belligerent and abusive, you can be better than her in every single situation without it meaning that you were behaving well, because whatever you do, this woman's always louder and ruder and meaner than you and your friend's always apologetic, so you never get the kind of perspective check on yourself crossing a line that you would with a healthy couple. I don't think you should keep seeing them as a family, even if it means you see your friend less often, because you are not supporting or helping their kid by fighting with one of her parents in this uncontrolled public way.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:25 PM on June 1, 2018 [33 favorites]
I don't think this friendship is over at all. But it has probably changed - now partner knows you can't stand her and now you know that she has had a problem with you. You can apologize to partner and try to smooth things over, but partner may very well reject it and you'll have to live with that. I would continue to keep in touch with your friend and stay in her life, even if it means not hanging out with partner too. If you truly believe partner is abusive, have you ever spoken to your friend about that? Does she know that you feel this way and why? Because that seems like a big factor in this whole beef between you and the partner.
posted by AppleTurnover at 6:39 PM on June 1, 2018
posted by AppleTurnover at 6:39 PM on June 1, 2018
You and the abusive partner can't stand each other. It sucks and it is totally unfair, but I think you'll need to nourish this friendship in ways that don't involve being around this other person.
posted by cakelite at 6:41 PM on June 1, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by cakelite at 6:41 PM on June 1, 2018 [4 favorites]
oh jesus this is the couple and child from your previous questions. I did not realize at first.
because I understand you're on your friend's side when it's adult vs. adult, and you should be. in that couple of two, she is the victim. but in the family of three, both adults are or have at one time been emotionally abusing their daughter. traditionally, children blame the ineffectual non-rescuer in their household as well as the scary yeller-punisher. please please whatever you decide to do, don't be complicit again in treating this kid like a bystander or audience member or piece of furniture in her own exploding family. when you feel yourself getting (justifiably!) mad at the partner, before you express it, look for the kid. don't ever get so mad you get tunnel vision and forget who else is in the room. or think that because she's seen worse and is used to it, it doesn't affect her.
she's not your daughter or your responsibility, you can't rescue her. but she lives in a chaotic yellscape, she needs to be exposed to people and homes that aren't like this, so she knows they exist, and I think any visiting adults have some responsibility to show that to her. it's traumatic to realize your parents are nuts but I think it might be worse to not realize because look at my parents' friends, they yell too, this is just how adults are with each other.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:22 PM on June 1, 2018 [29 favorites]
because I understand you're on your friend's side when it's adult vs. adult, and you should be. in that couple of two, she is the victim. but in the family of three, both adults are or have at one time been emotionally abusing their daughter. traditionally, children blame the ineffectual non-rescuer in their household as well as the scary yeller-punisher. please please whatever you decide to do, don't be complicit again in treating this kid like a bystander or audience member or piece of furniture in her own exploding family. when you feel yourself getting (justifiably!) mad at the partner, before you express it, look for the kid. don't ever get so mad you get tunnel vision and forget who else is in the room. or think that because she's seen worse and is used to it, it doesn't affect her.
she's not your daughter or your responsibility, you can't rescue her. but she lives in a chaotic yellscape, she needs to be exposed to people and homes that aren't like this, so she knows they exist, and I think any visiting adults have some responsibility to show that to her. it's traumatic to realize your parents are nuts but I think it might be worse to not realize because look at my parents' friends, they yell too, this is just how adults are with each other.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:22 PM on June 1, 2018 [29 favorites]
Best answer: I empathize with your position. It really does suck to watch your friend be mistreated. The urge to stand up to the partner on their behalf grows and grows. At one point I told a friend "I have a huge desire to tell off [your partner], so if you ever ever want someone to tell him to back way the heck off, just say the word."
But... it's never a good idea to yell at someone in their own home. It's your friend's job to control how her partner treats her. I know it's really hard to watch your friend being treated disrespectfully; I've been there and it sucks; but nothing good comes of putting yourself in the middle of it. If it's intolerable to you in any given moment, your options are pretty much to make a lighthearted (or quasi-lighthearted) attempt at shifting the situation, or to leave.
That's true overall, not just because the partner sounds like a bit of a powder keg. I know that there's a history that has built up, but that's what it sounds like, that you'd had it up to Here and thus kind of crossed a line. There's not really an "it's okay to yell at people who are disrespectful to your friends" exception to the general "don't yell" rule. So your instinct to apologize isn't off-base, even though I don't doubt that partner is generally not cool and will handle this in a not cool way. But yeah, apologizing is good.
And then I think it might be great to have a more complex conversation with your friend that's a mix of "I shouldn't have gotten angry like that; sorry for behaving that way" and "what set me off actually wasn't that I wanted to watch the show but that I felt she was disregarding your feelings. It's hard for me to see you treated the way she treats you sometimes."
As I said, it's really tempting to stand up for your friend. But the whole thing is that you're not in that relationship precisely because you do know how to stand up to that kind of person, whereas your partner is, because she doesn't. Maybe she'll learn. But you can only root for her and encourage her and be honest with her occasionally about how it's making you feel; you can't do it for her.
And yeah, you can be a lifeline of sanity to the kid. I don't think it'd be out of place to tell her that it was wrong the way you behaved and that you're sorry for how you acted, and you're sorry you put her in that awkward situation. You'd have to think through how to do it in an age-appropriate way, but kids are more emotionally smart than we give them credit for at pretty much every age. And I don't mean to imply that what you did was so awful or anything. It just crossed a line, and especially with kids, I think part of what establishes where the line of right and wrong is, where the line is of what they should be able to expect from the world even though they won't always get it, is by directly admitting that you made a mistake when you cross that line.
Good luck recovering from this. It's really great that you're being deliberate about staying in touch with your friend despite all this awfulness with her partner. You also deserve to not have to be around an icky person like this partner so it might be worth occasionally having an honest conversation with yourself about what you can and can't tolerate. It sounds like maybe you're at the edge of what you can handle without losing your cool, so maybe think about how to reduce your exposure to all of this if it would help.
posted by salvia at 8:11 PM on June 1, 2018 [8 favorites]
But... it's never a good idea to yell at someone in their own home. It's your friend's job to control how her partner treats her. I know it's really hard to watch your friend being treated disrespectfully; I've been there and it sucks; but nothing good comes of putting yourself in the middle of it. If it's intolerable to you in any given moment, your options are pretty much to make a lighthearted (or quasi-lighthearted) attempt at shifting the situation, or to leave.
That's true overall, not just because the partner sounds like a bit of a powder keg. I know that there's a history that has built up, but that's what it sounds like, that you'd had it up to Here and thus kind of crossed a line. There's not really an "it's okay to yell at people who are disrespectful to your friends" exception to the general "don't yell" rule. So your instinct to apologize isn't off-base, even though I don't doubt that partner is generally not cool and will handle this in a not cool way. But yeah, apologizing is good.
And then I think it might be great to have a more complex conversation with your friend that's a mix of "I shouldn't have gotten angry like that; sorry for behaving that way" and "what set me off actually wasn't that I wanted to watch the show but that I felt she was disregarding your feelings. It's hard for me to see you treated the way she treats you sometimes."
As I said, it's really tempting to stand up for your friend. But the whole thing is that you're not in that relationship precisely because you do know how to stand up to that kind of person, whereas your partner is, because she doesn't. Maybe she'll learn. But you can only root for her and encourage her and be honest with her occasionally about how it's making you feel; you can't do it for her.
And yeah, you can be a lifeline of sanity to the kid. I don't think it'd be out of place to tell her that it was wrong the way you behaved and that you're sorry for how you acted, and you're sorry you put her in that awkward situation. You'd have to think through how to do it in an age-appropriate way, but kids are more emotionally smart than we give them credit for at pretty much every age. And I don't mean to imply that what you did was so awful or anything. It just crossed a line, and especially with kids, I think part of what establishes where the line of right and wrong is, where the line is of what they should be able to expect from the world even though they won't always get it, is by directly admitting that you made a mistake when you cross that line.
Good luck recovering from this. It's really great that you're being deliberate about staying in touch with your friend despite all this awfulness with her partner. You also deserve to not have to be around an icky person like this partner so it might be worth occasionally having an honest conversation with yourself about what you can and can't tolerate. It sounds like maybe you're at the edge of what you can handle without losing your cool, so maybe think about how to reduce your exposure to all of this if it would help.
posted by salvia at 8:11 PM on June 1, 2018 [8 favorites]
This has nothing to do with a tv show and you're missing the big picture. Your friend is with an abusive partner and it seems like not only did you ignore the advice from last year to support her by explaining you can't be near her partner, now you're egging her abusive partner on and leaving her to deal with them.
As kindly as I can, you need to step away from this couple because you're making things worse for your friend and making her life scarier. You know this partner is bad news and yet you instigated a fight with them--in front of a child--and then left her. You're unable to be on good behavior around them--I get that this person isn't nice to you but you noted they're not nice to your friend or to the kid--so you need to keep away.
They have a really horrible dynamic and your being there makes it worse. I know you want to be, but you're not a stable force in their lives. The best way you can support your friend--same as the advice you got last year--is to tell her you love her and will do anything concrete like visiting lawyers or moving out, but you can't be part of their relationship any more.
Your goal is for her to be happy and safe and you'll help, but you can't be part of their family dynamic.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 3:05 AM on June 2, 2018 [23 favorites]
As kindly as I can, you need to step away from this couple because you're making things worse for your friend and making her life scarier. You know this partner is bad news and yet you instigated a fight with them--in front of a child--and then left her. You're unable to be on good behavior around them--I get that this person isn't nice to you but you noted they're not nice to your friend or to the kid--so you need to keep away.
They have a really horrible dynamic and your being there makes it worse. I know you want to be, but you're not a stable force in their lives. The best way you can support your friend--same as the advice you got last year--is to tell her you love her and will do anything concrete like visiting lawyers or moving out, but you can't be part of their relationship any more.
Your goal is for her to be happy and safe and you'll help, but you can't be part of their family dynamic.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 3:05 AM on June 2, 2018 [23 favorites]
In your shoes, I think I'd write an email to Friend saying that I feel as though Partner is emotionally abusive and that I have trouble controlling my reactions around them, and that for that reason it's best if in future we don't socialize when Partner is there. And I'd add that I'm worried about Friend and her daughter, and will be there for her at any hour in case she has an emergency or needs a safe place to go to. And then I'd really detach from the situation. You aren't making the situation better by increasing the conflict when you are around them both. Just don't be around Partner, and let your friend know you're concerned and will be there if she needs you.
posted by Miko at 6:38 AM on June 2, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by Miko at 6:38 AM on June 2, 2018 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: It's been a long time, but I thought I'd post an update here in case anyone stumbles across this post and was interested.
I sent two texts next day first thing, one to partner and one to friend, same wording for both, apologising for the bad behaviour. I wasn't proud of the way I acted, especially in front of their daughter, and I also didn't want the situation to create more problems for my friend than were already on her plate.
Partner responded almost immediately, thanking me, saying that their bipolar sometimes causes them to "go on a bit of rant" and that we were "still mates". Friend texted me a little later to thank me for apologising.
Since that day I haven't been for an evening at theirs. I've visited friend specifically for a half hour here or there, just for a cup of tea. I've made excuses to avoid having to deal with longer visits in the presence of partner and no one has pressed the point, to my relief.
In speaking with another close friend about these goings on, she made a really good point in reference to her own mother's abusive relationship and how stressful it was to witness growing up. When she'd said to her brother that she wished there was some way to get her mother out of that fifty-year-plus situation, her brother simply responded that her mother had "chosen to hitch her wagon to those horses a long time ago."
Much as I'd love to see her living free of this situation, there's nothing practical I can do here unless she chooses to leave. I have let her know that she has my complete support and a place to stay any time she wants.
posted by doornoise at 12:52 PM on November 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
I sent two texts next day first thing, one to partner and one to friend, same wording for both, apologising for the bad behaviour. I wasn't proud of the way I acted, especially in front of their daughter, and I also didn't want the situation to create more problems for my friend than were already on her plate.
Partner responded almost immediately, thanking me, saying that their bipolar sometimes causes them to "go on a bit of rant" and that we were "still mates". Friend texted me a little later to thank me for apologising.
Since that day I haven't been for an evening at theirs. I've visited friend specifically for a half hour here or there, just for a cup of tea. I've made excuses to avoid having to deal with longer visits in the presence of partner and no one has pressed the point, to my relief.
In speaking with another close friend about these goings on, she made a really good point in reference to her own mother's abusive relationship and how stressful it was to witness growing up. When she'd said to her brother that she wished there was some way to get her mother out of that fifty-year-plus situation, her brother simply responded that her mother had "chosen to hitch her wagon to those horses a long time ago."
Much as I'd love to see her living free of this situation, there's nothing practical I can do here unless she chooses to leave. I have let her know that she has my complete support and a place to stay any time she wants.
posted by doornoise at 12:52 PM on November 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
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Because, you say you think your friend's partner is emotionally abusive and yet you wound him up in her house and then left her there? That's not cool and I'd reflect on it a little bit and think about what you're after?
And if you're sorry with how you acted, say you're sorry. If partner turns it into a big deal or some other weird dance, that's on them but it's never a bad move, to my mind, to make sincere apologies.
posted by jessamyn at 5:35 PM on June 1, 2018 [26 favorites]