How to deal with feeling guilty over treating myself?

June 1, 2018 2:45 PM

I'm turning a milestone age this year and have a nice stash of money saved up. I decided to buy myself a big birthday present with it. But now that I'm about to spend all that money, I'm feeling a tremendous amount of guilt. Instead of feeling like, "I earned this through a lot of hard work, I saved and waited a long time for it, I deserve to treat myself," the guilty feeling is kind of ruining my excitement over the purchase. How do I deal?

The birthday gift to myself is my affordable dream car. I've been thinking about it for years, I have enough cash saved up to buy it outright and still have emergency savings, and I haven't had a vehicle since my ex took our car in the divorce. I wanted to do this nice thing for myself, not just as a birthday treat, but kind of as an affirmation of my independence. I'm in a new relationship but we have yet to combine our finances, and this may be the last chance I have to make a big financial decision with "my own money."

Since I put the deposit down, I've been plagued with doubts. Surely there's a smarter way to spend this money. Surely I should be putting it toward retirement, or treating my parents to a vacation, or just holding on to it for an extra safety cushion. It feels selfish and frivolous. I want to be excited, but I also feel so guilty. I want to feel proud that I earned this for myself, but I don't know how to push away the guilty feelings. Help?

posted by keep it under cover to Human Relations (26 answers total)

You've reached, or are about to reach, a milestone. There's no guarantee you'll reach another. There's a balance to strike between planning ahead and enjoying now - because later may not come.

If you don't owe that money to someone else, aren't in danger of being broke without the money, and it's money you earned, then you should be able to buy the car guilt free.

I have had the same feelings when making big purchases. Car, dream vacation, and most recently, house. I look around at my friends and coworkers, and I don't hold it against them for doing these things - why wouldn't I be worthy as well?
posted by jzb at 2:54 PM on June 1, 2018 [13 favorites]

If I may, we just spent a lot of money on a condo. In order to do that, we had to borrow money from a private lender, because right now neither of us are employed. We're paying an excessively high interest rate for a year, after which we'll flip it into a regular bank mortgage, as by then we'll have steady income. It makes only a moderate amount of financial sense to buy now because real estate prices here are increasing fairly quickly. However, in order to make the purchase, we've had to tap into our retirement savings (an RRSP) to get a large enough down payment to satisfy the lender's requirements. Ordinarily that's a Very Bad Idea, because of Tax penalties.

But. The alternative to buying a place was spending another year in the apartment we have in the suburbs. It's an okay place. But it's not where we want to live; it's 45 minutes out of the excitement even on the subway. The new place is well sized, well priced, has good amenities, and is right downtown, in the Village, near all the social services we need and all the social events we want to participate in. We don't want to spend another year just getting by in the burbs. We want to have a Life.

And this is what the savings is for. It's to make your life better. Once you've got enough set by for emergencies, if you can identify a purchase that will make your life measurably better, then do it. Past you set this money aside for present you to spend on a better life. If your affordable dream car is going to make your life better and with no regrets, fucking do it!
posted by seanmpuckett at 2:57 PM on June 1, 2018 [5 favorites]

Best answer: WHAT? No! Get the car! If you save that money or spend it on somebody else, I am going to be so mad. I just trashed a car by ignoring a warning light for weeks until it gave up and died, and now I am afoot. If you get this car and maintain it like you obviously will and take it for all its checkups and keep it humming along, it will make up for my terrible perfidy to my innocent car. It was a beater and not my dream car, but it was not a bad car and it never deserved that. THAT is bad car behavior. Getting a good car that you deserve and will enjoy and celebrate and care for is good car behavior.

Five years ago I got a house. I never had a house before and it was so ridiculously much money that I thought for sure I would hate myself and rue the day, but no. I keep fixing things and polishing things and waiting for the glee to wear off, but it hasn't, and I don't think it will. I wish for you that you get the car and that your glee lasts the life of the car.
posted by Don Pepino at 2:58 PM on June 1, 2018 [17 favorites]

Donate a percentage of the cost of the car to a charity you believe in.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 3:34 PM on June 1, 2018 [2 favorites]

So, say you're turning fifty. My grandmother died, unexpectedly, at fifty-eight. I don't think she ever let herself enjoy life. You have to take some pleasure, or what are you living for? And you simply don't know how long you have.

Or, as Robert Herrick said,

Come, let us goe, while we are in our prime;
And take the harmlesse follie of the time.
We shall grow old apace, and die
Before we know our liberty.
Our life is short; and our dayes run
As fast away as do's the Sunne:
And as a vapour, or a drop of raine
Once lost, can ne'r be found againe:
So when or you or I are made
A fable, song, or fleeting shade;
All love, all liking, all delight
Lies drown'd with us in endlesse night.
Then while time serves, and we are but decaying;
Come, my Corinna, come, let's goe a Maying.

posted by praemunire at 3:40 PM on June 1, 2018 [18 favorites]

I feel the same way as you do with big purchases. I pride myself on being frugal and sensible with my money, so seeing huge chunks come out of my bank account, even for a needed purchase, makes me feel like I'm failing at frugality.

One thing that has me deal with this was to amortize the purchase price. Divide the cost of the car into 10 years, then divide it again into 12 months per year. That is probably a more manageable number, right?
posted by basalganglia at 3:41 PM on June 1, 2018 [5 favorites]

Not to be grim, but you don’t know what’s going to happen next. There are so many things in the world to be be depressed about that I think when you get the chance to be genuinely happy, you’re basically obliged to grab it with both hands and enjoy it, because not everyone gets that opportunity and you have no idea what’s around the corner. No one is going to give you a trophy for being the most long suffering person. Use the nice china. Wear the special perfume. Drive the fancy car.
posted by Jubey at 4:04 PM on June 1, 2018 [8 favorites]

Every single day you enjoy driving your car is a day you're getting value out of the purchase. Every minute, really.

That's a lot of minutes. A lot more value than you get out of most of your purchases.
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:17 PM on June 1, 2018 [2 favorites]

This is where a 'life spreadsheet' can be useful, start a log of all your capital: savings, stocks/shares, the equity in your house, a rough value for any pension. Add to that some figures for your monthly/yearly incomings (including interest on savings) and outgoings.
When you have all those numbers worked out you will be able to see this in perspective, there is a big difference between buying something that represents 5% of your net worth vs 50%
Working out a spreadsheet like this is undoubtedly a boring exercise but it will allow you to make this decision with your head as well as your heart.
posted by Lanark at 4:36 PM on June 1, 2018 [8 favorites]

I think buying your affordable dream car is a good use of that money. You’ll love driving it and it will mean a lot to you. If you are consistent in maintaining it properly, it’ll last you at least 10 years. If this car is a new one or still under warranty, your expenses on unexpected car repairs won’t be a problem for a few years. And it’s not breaking the bank, you still have savings, and of course you can start putting money aside again with your next paycheck. Before long, you’ll have an amount set aside again AND your dream car.

Also be advised that you never have to combine finances if you don’t want to.
posted by Autumnheart at 6:27 PM on June 1, 2018 [3 favorites]

I spent 3 consecutive years mooning over a model of townhome that was exactly what I ever wanted in a house, but which was way out of my price range. Then the housing market conveniently crashed and I could afford it, and bought one. 9 years later, still gleeful.
posted by Autumnheart at 6:37 PM on June 1, 2018 [6 favorites]

Buy that car! If you ever feel guilty about it come back here and there'll be dozens of us enthusiastic to congratulate you on a solid, smart, well-deserved purchase.
posted by ipsative at 6:44 PM on June 1, 2018 [3 favorites]

Buying your dream car outright with enough cash leftover for emergency savings is an extremely smart use of that money. You will have your dream car with no car payments. That's a hugely awesome thing right there. It will make you feel happy when you drive it. You can celebrate your independence whenever you want because you will have the freedom to get in your car and go wherever you want, whenever you want. I'm not even talking epic trips, but, I mean, if you have a craving for ice cream on a Sunday afternoon, you can just get in your car and go get some ice cream. (I don't know where exactly you live, but the lack of public transportation where I live would make that impossible without a car.) Buy your dream car because you want your dream car and you deserve nice things. Happy travels, friend.
posted by Ruki at 7:12 PM on June 1, 2018 [4 favorites]

Please, please post here that you have bought the car in the color that you want. It' a smart, reasonable purchase, and we are all rooting for you.
posted by theora55 at 7:41 PM on June 1, 2018 [3 favorites]

and I haven't had a vehicle since my ex took our car in the divorce.

That right there is reason enough. Get the car. You don’t owe anyone austerity.
posted by greermahoney at 8:00 PM on June 1, 2018 [4 favorites]

Another yes to the car! I understand how you feel. I left home at 16 and had to financially support myself working a few jobs and saving every penny while studying full time. I got a stable job in my early 20s and life gets easier. I went travelling and recently so spent a huge chunk of savings on my dream house. The feeling of owning a valuable thing that I have worked hard for is amazing. Life is short! You so so so deserve the car that you have been dreaming about.
posted by azalea at 8:21 PM on June 1, 2018 [3 favorites]

There are no pockets in a shroud.


Also if you are the kind of person who would even feel guilty about buying a new car if you could, then you're likely also the kind of person who will take good care of it and make it last. Go for it, keep it under cover, I authorize you to buy the car with my authority as a Stranger on The Internet who has decided you deserve it.

Seatbelts!
posted by Divine_Wino at 8:43 PM on June 1, 2018 [2 favorites]

Also, one other note: money is only good for spending on things, whether that be in the present or some time in the future (and thus saved in the present). If you've pencilled out the affordability of something you truly want but can't bring yourself to spend the money, then money is no longer your servant, but your master. You are not saving out of prudence, but out of anxiety. That's an unpleasant little trap.
posted by praemunire at 10:13 PM on June 1, 2018 [5 favorites]

Buy the car plus two therapy sessions to talk through any anxiety or guilt about the big purchase and milestone, or any residual feelings from the divorce. It’ll put you in a great space to go enjoy the car.
posted by iamkimiam at 11:24 PM on June 1, 2018 [3 favorites]

I spent a lot on a "treat yo'self" thing and I've been feeling a bit guilty about it since – particularly at the times when it's not being used and just sitting there all stupid and expensive, which happens with most things (including cars). But I've found that having that feeling in my life has been useful in changing some other behaviours, example: I was reading up about an interesting organisation in the UK on their site, they had an easy sign-up to make a monthly donation, and while I'd normally hesitate and then close the tab, on this occasion I just thought "yep, if I could afford that thing, then I can afford to send a donation this way for a while" and signed up.

I'm not saying (& I don't believe) that splurging money on yourself will make you a better person or anything like that, but I think the fact that you're reflecting on it in this way, and feeling a bit uncomfortable about it, could be something that you could use (or make a point to use) to do some good in the future. So that's to say: while some people above have said 'don't feel guilty', which can definitely be good and relevant advice, I think it can be okay to feel guilty about it and treat yo'self all the same.
posted by Joeruckus at 1:55 AM on June 2, 2018

One more thing to consider: car models change. The car that's your dream car now, and is available now might not be available in two years or five years or ten. Or there might still be a car with that badge on it, but it might not have the powerplant you like or the transmission you prefer or the exterior styling that appeals to you. Two-door cars have become four-door models. Eight cylinder engines have been replaced by sixes and fours.

You may not have another opportunity to buy your dream car. And if you do, it may be as a used car or a classic or vintage car (depending on how long you decide to wait).

Now if your dream car is already in this category (i.e. not new and heading into classic status), it still makes sense to buy it now. As classics get older, parts become more scarce and valuable. Experts who know how to work on them become rarer (retire or die off). Prices for them tend to go up, even for the stuff that at the time they were new nobody wanted. Getting the exact make and model and colour and options becomes a game of picking through haystacks to find one particular needle.

So give some consideration to the timing. It feels like now is a good time--if not the optimal time--to make your purchase. (And when you do, come back and post pictures of your new, sweet ride.)
posted by sardonyx at 9:23 AM on June 2, 2018 [2 favorites]

Two words -- road trip.
Get your AAA maps, sunscreen, sunglasses, Coleman ice chest for drinks and snacks.
Stick a pin in a map (okay... peek a little).
Take lots of photos/videos.
Life's short -- have dessert first.
posted by TrishaU at 9:33 AM on June 2, 2018 [1 favorite]

Buy the car. Let people who do something wrong feel guilty. You're not doing anything wrong.

If your brother/sister/best friend was in your shoes, asking this question, what would you tell them? I bet you'd say "Buy the car."

(Pictures please.)
posted by The Deej at 10:22 AM on June 2, 2018 [2 favorites]

It's kind of weird that based on so little information, everyone's advising you to buy it. Given just the facts you've presented, I don't know: maybe you should save more or spend it on something else or give some of it away.

But based on the way you phrased the question, I agree that you would be fine buy it. People who worry so much about spending generally would be fine spending more.

I'm less sure that you'll be happy having made the purchase. Not everyone is. Has there been any occasion in the past when you've agonized over spending like this and did spend the money? How did you feel afterward?
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 12:34 PM on June 2, 2018

Response by poster: Thanks everyone for your advice. I feel much better having looked at this purchase from your perspectives. I’m at the dealership right now finalizing everything and I’m so happy! I took the car for the pre-purchase inspection and it’s absolutely perfect. I’m even more in love with it than before. My heart skips a beat when I look at it and think, “That’s about to be mine!!”
posted by keep it under cover at 3:07 PM on June 2, 2018 [22 favorites]

Response by poster: It's been several months since this purchase. I enjoy driving my beautiful car to the grocery store just as much as I did driving it on a 4 day roadtrip with my SO. Every time I park, I still look back at my car and smile. Sometimes I just sit in it to listen to music and it's like my own little sanctuary.

Thank you Mefites, for every one of your comments! I'm so grateful for you all.
posted by keep it under cover at 2:47 PM on October 15, 2018 [5 favorites]