How to stop pining for a sexual dynamic that has been lost
May 28, 2018 9:56 AM Subscribe
I have been working on this with my therapist but I'm still having trouble moving past it and dealing with my feelings of loss and resentment over my partner's change in sexual appetite and behaviors (wall of text inside).
My partner and I have been together for almost 5 years. We started off as FWB and from the beginning his sexual appetite for me bordered on compulsive. We had sex multiple times a day (and in all kinds of places outside of bedrooms), constantly sexted, and he just couldn't get enough of me. My previous partner (husband for 20 years) was generally asexual, never indicated desire for me, and only reluctantly had sex with me once or twice a year. In fact, that (among other things) led to the disintegration of our marriage and destroyed my self-esteem. Because of this rejection and trauma from my previous partner, I was hungry for the kind of attention my current partner showed me. It was the most amazing thing to be desired so strongly. It was like a drug. I felt beautiful and desirable and powerful and wanted. My only complaint was that my partner was not always attentive to my needs but more focused on his. Still, the all consuming desire he held for me was erotic enough to compensate for his lack of sensitivity.
As we spent more time together outside of the bedroom, my partner and I grew closer and came to love one another. The amazing sex never waned and in many ways was a kind of glue that bonded us together when things otherwise might go south. I knew that my partner consumed porn frequently and masturbated regularly and there were some red flags with regard to stories he told of past adventures (he said he had visited an escort once for a happy ending when he was younger for example) but nothing that would cause me in the present to end the relationship. Eventually we got engaged and then married last year.
After we got married and were combining households (we did not live together before marriage), I discovered his porn collection was [1] far more extensive than I ever imagined - like 20 file boxes of dvds and magazines and [2] far more hard core than I ever imagined. It was in this same week that I found out he had been going to see escorts during our dating period. I lost my mind in sadness and anger and despair. He confessed he had been using sex and porn as a coping mechanism to deal with anxiety and childhood trauma HIS ENTIRE ADULT LIFE and that he had visited escorts at least once a year and sometimes as frequently as once a month and that this continued during all his previous relationships including his prior marriage and during our dating period. He stopped, he said, a year before we married, because our relationship felt different than all the others and because he knew it was wrong and didn't want to hurt me and also felt like he didn't need that outlet anymore...that our relationship had made him want to be a better man and that he was eventually hoping to cut out the porn too but found it difficult. When we discussed this, he told me none of his previous partners knew these secrets that he worked so hard to cover up and that he felt terribly ashamed about it and thought he could just keep it from me too and bury it in the past. I was shaken to the core and devastated. He said that I was the most amazing thing that ever happened to him and that now that I knew the truth, if I still could love him, he was going to get away from all of this permanently. We both cried a lot. He threw away the entire porn collection without hesitation, he let me go through his phone and computer and gave me all his passwords and has an open door policy with me now, he answered all of the brutal detailed painful questions I had about his visits to sex workers, and he generally has shown a contrite and repentant attitude regarding the ways he hurt himself, me, and our relationship. Still healing from this (It's what prompted me to seek therapy), I am having to practice CBT techniques my therapist taught me whenever I start being flooded with obessive thoughts about what he did or how I didn't know what was going on the whole time.
Since that pivotal week last autumn, everything on his side has changed. First, the good - he now is attentive during sex. Attentive and loving and shows genuine concern for my pleasure. He's tender and kind but still rough and dirty talking in just the right amounts during sex. And outside of sex, he has started doing a much more equitable share of household duties and in general has been a better partner all around. And he seems genuinely much more transparant and open with his feelings and who he is as a person. He lets me see the real him. But the bad - his all consuming sexual fire for me has burned out. Sex has dwindled to once or twice a week, the sexting disappeared, the frequent groping and IMUSTHAVEYOUNOW attitude is gone. This has increased my anxiety significantly as I fear a return to the status quo I had with my previous partner. I feel unwanted because the contrast of how he is now with how he was before is SO different. He doesn't even masturbate much anymore. It's like he stopped using sex as a coping mechanism and now it's not anywhere near as important to him as it was. I try to be supportive but we fight about it sometimes when I feel particularly unwanted as I lie in bed with him wanting him to want me and I press the issue. He tells me that person he was who wanted me all the time and was compulsively sex obsessed with me was the same person who used sex and women like a drug. That the love he has with me finally made him feel safe and able to move away from being that broken person.
Other complicating factor - he lost his job around the same time as this big ugly confession last autumn and has grown increasingly depressed about his unemployment as he tries to find a job unsuccessfully. I'm sure that's adding to his lack of desire.
So, yeah, difficult year. Marriage, ugly confessions, job loss, and complete change in our sexual dynamic. My therapist tells me that this new sexual version of him is much healthier (she has talked to us both on a few joint visits) and that I should be happy with quality over quantity. But I am having trouble coping with this change. My desire for my partner has not waned, I still want him, I still swoon from him and I terribly miss the way he made me feel when he wanted me all the time. And also, despite using the techniques she gave me I still find myself having panic attacks sometimes imagining his escort visits in my head.
How can I get past this? How can I learn to accept the newer, improved version of him when in the process it feels like I've lost something that made me feel amazing? And how can I get over the pain of finding out his secret double life of visiting escorts?
My partner and I have been together for almost 5 years. We started off as FWB and from the beginning his sexual appetite for me bordered on compulsive. We had sex multiple times a day (and in all kinds of places outside of bedrooms), constantly sexted, and he just couldn't get enough of me. My previous partner (husband for 20 years) was generally asexual, never indicated desire for me, and only reluctantly had sex with me once or twice a year. In fact, that (among other things) led to the disintegration of our marriage and destroyed my self-esteem. Because of this rejection and trauma from my previous partner, I was hungry for the kind of attention my current partner showed me. It was the most amazing thing to be desired so strongly. It was like a drug. I felt beautiful and desirable and powerful and wanted. My only complaint was that my partner was not always attentive to my needs but more focused on his. Still, the all consuming desire he held for me was erotic enough to compensate for his lack of sensitivity.
As we spent more time together outside of the bedroom, my partner and I grew closer and came to love one another. The amazing sex never waned and in many ways was a kind of glue that bonded us together when things otherwise might go south. I knew that my partner consumed porn frequently and masturbated regularly and there were some red flags with regard to stories he told of past adventures (he said he had visited an escort once for a happy ending when he was younger for example) but nothing that would cause me in the present to end the relationship. Eventually we got engaged and then married last year.
After we got married and were combining households (we did not live together before marriage), I discovered his porn collection was [1] far more extensive than I ever imagined - like 20 file boxes of dvds and magazines and [2] far more hard core than I ever imagined. It was in this same week that I found out he had been going to see escorts during our dating period. I lost my mind in sadness and anger and despair. He confessed he had been using sex and porn as a coping mechanism to deal with anxiety and childhood trauma HIS ENTIRE ADULT LIFE and that he had visited escorts at least once a year and sometimes as frequently as once a month and that this continued during all his previous relationships including his prior marriage and during our dating period. He stopped, he said, a year before we married, because our relationship felt different than all the others and because he knew it was wrong and didn't want to hurt me and also felt like he didn't need that outlet anymore...that our relationship had made him want to be a better man and that he was eventually hoping to cut out the porn too but found it difficult. When we discussed this, he told me none of his previous partners knew these secrets that he worked so hard to cover up and that he felt terribly ashamed about it and thought he could just keep it from me too and bury it in the past. I was shaken to the core and devastated. He said that I was the most amazing thing that ever happened to him and that now that I knew the truth, if I still could love him, he was going to get away from all of this permanently. We both cried a lot. He threw away the entire porn collection without hesitation, he let me go through his phone and computer and gave me all his passwords and has an open door policy with me now, he answered all of the brutal detailed painful questions I had about his visits to sex workers, and he generally has shown a contrite and repentant attitude regarding the ways he hurt himself, me, and our relationship. Still healing from this (It's what prompted me to seek therapy), I am having to practice CBT techniques my therapist taught me whenever I start being flooded with obessive thoughts about what he did or how I didn't know what was going on the whole time.
Since that pivotal week last autumn, everything on his side has changed. First, the good - he now is attentive during sex. Attentive and loving and shows genuine concern for my pleasure. He's tender and kind but still rough and dirty talking in just the right amounts during sex. And outside of sex, he has started doing a much more equitable share of household duties and in general has been a better partner all around. And he seems genuinely much more transparant and open with his feelings and who he is as a person. He lets me see the real him. But the bad - his all consuming sexual fire for me has burned out. Sex has dwindled to once or twice a week, the sexting disappeared, the frequent groping and IMUSTHAVEYOUNOW attitude is gone. This has increased my anxiety significantly as I fear a return to the status quo I had with my previous partner. I feel unwanted because the contrast of how he is now with how he was before is SO different. He doesn't even masturbate much anymore. It's like he stopped using sex as a coping mechanism and now it's not anywhere near as important to him as it was. I try to be supportive but we fight about it sometimes when I feel particularly unwanted as I lie in bed with him wanting him to want me and I press the issue. He tells me that person he was who wanted me all the time and was compulsively sex obsessed with me was the same person who used sex and women like a drug. That the love he has with me finally made him feel safe and able to move away from being that broken person.
Other complicating factor - he lost his job around the same time as this big ugly confession last autumn and has grown increasingly depressed about his unemployment as he tries to find a job unsuccessfully. I'm sure that's adding to his lack of desire.
So, yeah, difficult year. Marriage, ugly confessions, job loss, and complete change in our sexual dynamic. My therapist tells me that this new sexual version of him is much healthier (she has talked to us both on a few joint visits) and that I should be happy with quality over quantity. But I am having trouble coping with this change. My desire for my partner has not waned, I still want him, I still swoon from him and I terribly miss the way he made me feel when he wanted me all the time. And also, despite using the techniques she gave me I still find myself having panic attacks sometimes imagining his escort visits in my head.
How can I get past this? How can I learn to accept the newer, improved version of him when in the process it feels like I've lost something that made me feel amazing? And how can I get over the pain of finding out his secret double life of visiting escorts?
It sounds like there are three parts to your pain - it might help to think of them as separate but intertwined
- sex isn't as frequent or as much fun as he has changed
- you also (like most people) use sex for reassurance and soothing - not in an obsessive way - but it made you feel desirable and confident in the relationship. The drop in desire is going to make feel insecure. Triple or quadaple that normal tendency with finding out that he was looking elsewhere for gratification - if sex is connection, affairs are disconnection. You must be having a lot of complicated conflicting feelings.
You might want to look for groups or other resources for women who are in relationship with men recovering from sexual addiction. There are a lot of people like you out there and it can be really validating to find out more about their experience, even if it isn't the same as yours.
At some point you will probably want to do some couples work to repair and rebuild the relationship. As you can get more trust that he really loves you, it will be easier to accept the changes and rebuild the sense of love and connection.
Finally therapy is good place of learning to accept the things you can't change - let go of what can't be and take pleasure in what is. I expected a similar loss of sexy fun times for completely different reasons - it really bugged me for about a year and then my brain just got tired of a being annoyed and was ready to listen all the advice of enjoying different. I still miss it if I stop to think about it but it just isn't in my thoughts the way it was. So acceptance plus time
posted by metahawk at 10:49 AM on May 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
- sex isn't as frequent or as much fun as he has changed
- you also (like most people) use sex for reassurance and soothing - not in an obsessive way - but it made you feel desirable and confident in the relationship. The drop in desire is going to make feel insecure. Triple or quadaple that normal tendency with finding out that he was looking elsewhere for gratification - if sex is connection, affairs are disconnection. You must be having a lot of complicated conflicting feelings.
You might want to look for groups or other resources for women who are in relationship with men recovering from sexual addiction. There are a lot of people like you out there and it can be really validating to find out more about their experience, even if it isn't the same as yours.
At some point you will probably want to do some couples work to repair and rebuild the relationship. As you can get more trust that he really loves you, it will be easier to accept the changes and rebuild the sense of love and connection.
Finally therapy is good place of learning to accept the things you can't change - let go of what can't be and take pleasure in what is. I expected a similar loss of sexy fun times for completely different reasons - it really bugged me for about a year and then my brain just got tired of a being annoyed and was ready to listen all the advice of enjoying different. I still miss it if I stop to think about it but it just isn't in my thoughts the way it was. So acceptance plus time
posted by metahawk at 10:49 AM on May 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
How can I get past this? How can I learn to accept the newer, improved version of him when in the process it feels like I've lost something that made me feel amazing?
If his very high sex drive (and concomitant lack of attention to your needs) was a manifestation of his coping mechanism then that status quo was not really based in reality. I almost wonder if it was a test of sorts because I feel like that kind of behavior would drive some people away. If you hadn't been the needle-in-the-haystack of a person who went a very long time without a desirous partner, combined with relatively high sex drive yourself and an openness to go along for the ride...I don't know that the two of you would have made it through his test. But, this kind of thing would be great to discuss with one or more therapists. I mean, it may be that you have "seen the worst of him" and still fell in love and now he can relax.
But for your part, you see a relaxation of what sounds to me like a pretty impossible to maintain level of sexual activity (just cause, like, I have to work and stuff...) and that's triggering you. So what's been happening therapeutically for you two to come to a center on this?
posted by amanda at 10:49 AM on May 28, 2018 [7 favorites]
If his very high sex drive (and concomitant lack of attention to your needs) was a manifestation of his coping mechanism then that status quo was not really based in reality. I almost wonder if it was a test of sorts because I feel like that kind of behavior would drive some people away. If you hadn't been the needle-in-the-haystack of a person who went a very long time without a desirous partner, combined with relatively high sex drive yourself and an openness to go along for the ride...I don't know that the two of you would have made it through his test. But, this kind of thing would be great to discuss with one or more therapists. I mean, it may be that you have "seen the worst of him" and still fell in love and now he can relax.
But for your part, you see a relaxation of what sounds to me like a pretty impossible to maintain level of sexual activity (just cause, like, I have to work and stuff...) and that's triggering you. So what's been happening therapeutically for you two to come to a center on this?
posted by amanda at 10:49 AM on May 28, 2018 [7 favorites]
Just wanting to second premunire - this sounds very much like a serious sex addiction and, in general, it is a rare person who can just walk away from addiction without outside support. Even when there is support, relapses, at least minor ones, are common. So hopefully he has support for himself and you and he are prepared to have open and honest conversations when it happens so a slip doesn't become a full on relapse.
posted by metahawk at 10:54 AM on May 28, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by metahawk at 10:54 AM on May 28, 2018 [3 favorites]
It seems worth considering how these developments spark your imagination with respect to your previous marriage. By your description it appears that hubby is doing the right things, but that's not enough and I wonder if it's not so much about a higher frequency of sex as the implications in your mind about a declining frequency.
posted by rhizome at 11:05 AM on May 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by rhizome at 11:05 AM on May 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
I'm so sorry, this is an awful situation.
I agree with amanda. You didn't have the thing you thought you lost. He baldly lied to and betrayed you.
We all have our deal-breakers, and I can only speak for myself, but the magnitude and nature of that lie would have broken my relationship irrevocably. It would cast a shadow so long and so dark over everything that I wouldn't be able to rebuild with that specific person.
The good news is that there are many, many, many men out there without these problems. If you were my sister, or a close friend, I'd say: don't stay with someone because you thought they craved you (and you alone) once: I'd go out and find that person that will crave you for real.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 11:14 AM on May 28, 2018 [3 favorites]
I agree with amanda. You didn't have the thing you thought you lost. He baldly lied to and betrayed you.
We all have our deal-breakers, and I can only speak for myself, but the magnitude and nature of that lie would have broken my relationship irrevocably. It would cast a shadow so long and so dark over everything that I wouldn't be able to rebuild with that specific person.
The good news is that there are many, many, many men out there without these problems. If you were my sister, or a close friend, I'd say: don't stay with someone because you thought they craved you (and you alone) once: I'd go out and find that person that will crave you for real.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 11:14 AM on May 28, 2018 [3 favorites]
The thing that you can't let go of was a symptom or aspect of your partner's mental health issues, called hypersexuality or hypersexual behavior, and that is some very murky ethical water you're treading there. It's like missing the extra income your addict partner could bring in if they used cocaine to work overtime, or missing the attention a partner paid to you because they were obsessed with your fidelity until they got treatment for obsessive disorder.
Given what you want as opposed to what is healthy for him, you may need to ask yourself if you can stay in this relationship without wishing for his mental health to be worse in order to fulfill you. That you are not able to internalize that, when told by your therapist or common sense, is not a great sign. It may be time to do a deeper dive into whether you are also presenting with signs of inappropriate use of sex for validation or identity.
It is more or less reasonable to have major trust issues in the wake of destruction a partner's hypersexual behavior can leave. It is possible that this relationship's well is too poisoned by it already, and he needs to work on his recovery alone and eventually with someone else who isn't you and hasn't been put through this. That feels unfair as hell, I know, but sometimes it's the only way.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:20 AM on May 28, 2018 [29 favorites]
Given what you want as opposed to what is healthy for him, you may need to ask yourself if you can stay in this relationship without wishing for his mental health to be worse in order to fulfill you. That you are not able to internalize that, when told by your therapist or common sense, is not a great sign. It may be time to do a deeper dive into whether you are also presenting with signs of inappropriate use of sex for validation or identity.
It is more or less reasonable to have major trust issues in the wake of destruction a partner's hypersexual behavior can leave. It is possible that this relationship's well is too poisoned by it already, and he needs to work on his recovery alone and eventually with someone else who isn't you and hasn't been put through this. That feels unfair as hell, I know, but sometimes it's the only way.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:20 AM on May 28, 2018 [29 favorites]
My therapist tells me that this new sexual version of him is much healthier (she has talked to us both on a few joint visits) and that I should be happy with quality over quantity.
bearing in mind that for the sake of brevity, you may be condensing or paraphrasing a more complex or nuanced sentiment, a therapist who tells you how to feel or believes herself an authority on what "should" make you happy is exhibiting the very reddest of flags.
personally I can't imagine being happy with this guy either now when he's mopey and a confessed serial cheater, or earlier when he was apparently passionate but more interested in his own pleasure than in yours. but that doesn't mean you can't be and it certainly doesn't mean you shouldn't be, or shouldn't have been. If you "should" be happy, he "should" be more passionate. except neither of those emotional states is subject to the will alone.
I would think that finding out that what he represented as specific desire for you was not for you at all, but for some depersonalized abstract idea of "woman" or "sex," from which he is now released, and which he does not feel with the same strength for you as an individual, would be humiliating as well as disappointing. but I would not say that you "should" feel humiliated. you shouldn't distress yourself over what you "should" feel, which will be a construct and a lie anyway. concern yourself with what you do feel, and believe it's every bit as important as what he feels.
posted by queenofbithynia at 11:25 AM on May 28, 2018 [7 favorites]
bearing in mind that for the sake of brevity, you may be condensing or paraphrasing a more complex or nuanced sentiment, a therapist who tells you how to feel or believes herself an authority on what "should" make you happy is exhibiting the very reddest of flags.
personally I can't imagine being happy with this guy either now when he's mopey and a confessed serial cheater, or earlier when he was apparently passionate but more interested in his own pleasure than in yours. but that doesn't mean you can't be and it certainly doesn't mean you shouldn't be, or shouldn't have been. If you "should" be happy, he "should" be more passionate. except neither of those emotional states is subject to the will alone.
I would think that finding out that what he represented as specific desire for you was not for you at all, but for some depersonalized abstract idea of "woman" or "sex," from which he is now released, and which he does not feel with the same strength for you as an individual, would be humiliating as well as disappointing. but I would not say that you "should" feel humiliated. you shouldn't distress yourself over what you "should" feel, which will be a construct and a lie anyway. concern yourself with what you do feel, and believe it's every bit as important as what he feels.
posted by queenofbithynia at 11:25 AM on May 28, 2018 [7 favorites]
This is really hard stuff. I wanted to highlight a few things:
...and he just couldn't get enough of me.
Unfortunately, that was about shoving feelings down, not expressing feelings for you, at least not all the time. It sounds like really great feelings are also there, and he married you and wants to be a better person for you. But that crazy drug-like stuff...was a drug.
My only complaint was that my partner was not always attentive to my needs but more focused on his.
And so your instincts were good, because they told you that your partner was focused on shoving those demons away and on his own stuff, not yours.* But I get that you also liked that all-consuming, must-have-it-now thing.
Because of this rejection and trauma from my previous partner, I was hungry for the kind of attention my current partner showed me. It was the most amazing thing to be desired so strongly. It was like a drug....But I am having trouble coping with this change. My desire for my partner has not waned, I still want him, I still swoon from him and I terribly miss the way he made me feel when he wanted me all the time.
Two things here. I am sorry, these are all hard things but here we go.
1. Your partner didn't want you all the time. He wanted sex to make his other feelings go away all the time. That's a big difference, but I think if you can sit with that for a while, it will help you move in a direction. The direction will be up to you. And here's #2:
2. You didn't want him either, not exactly, you wanted the way he made you feel when he wanted you, which was erotic, and all-consuming, and not like your previous relationship made you feel. That's okay! It's great actually, that you two were able to come together. But that also is not the same as desiring him. It's desiring the feelings he produces, which is really, really close...but not the same. When you say you still want him, I think that can be a great foundation for a good marriage.
But not, IMHO if what you want is him to be out of control for you so you know you're someone worth being out of control for. Most long-term relationships tend to require people to spend a lot of the time in control, doing things in a grounded way. Not all though, but it sounds like that's what he is working on.
You do have a huge thing going on here which is...do you want to be married to the person your husband is when he's not on his sex drug. And do you want to be the person you are, when you also are not on his sex drug. You don't have to make a "right" choice (despite your therapist, wtf therapist), you just need to discover what your feelings about it really are. Then you will know if you need to move on in your mind and stay and discover all the 234234523 other things a marriage is about, or if you need to move on to find someone who really actually has a very high sex drive.
* As a side note, if he is not in therapy, I really worry that no matter what you do, he will either relapse or have some other coping mechanism like actual drugs kick in here. I hope he has support for working through his stuff.
posted by warriorqueen at 1:09 PM on May 28, 2018 [40 favorites]
...and he just couldn't get enough of me.
Unfortunately, that was about shoving feelings down, not expressing feelings for you, at least not all the time. It sounds like really great feelings are also there, and he married you and wants to be a better person for you. But that crazy drug-like stuff...was a drug.
My only complaint was that my partner was not always attentive to my needs but more focused on his.
And so your instincts were good, because they told you that your partner was focused on shoving those demons away and on his own stuff, not yours.* But I get that you also liked that all-consuming, must-have-it-now thing.
Because of this rejection and trauma from my previous partner, I was hungry for the kind of attention my current partner showed me. It was the most amazing thing to be desired so strongly. It was like a drug....But I am having trouble coping with this change. My desire for my partner has not waned, I still want him, I still swoon from him and I terribly miss the way he made me feel when he wanted me all the time.
Two things here. I am sorry, these are all hard things but here we go.
1. Your partner didn't want you all the time. He wanted sex to make his other feelings go away all the time. That's a big difference, but I think if you can sit with that for a while, it will help you move in a direction. The direction will be up to you. And here's #2:
2. You didn't want him either, not exactly, you wanted the way he made you feel when he wanted you, which was erotic, and all-consuming, and not like your previous relationship made you feel. That's okay! It's great actually, that you two were able to come together. But that also is not the same as desiring him. It's desiring the feelings he produces, which is really, really close...but not the same. When you say you still want him, I think that can be a great foundation for a good marriage.
But not, IMHO if what you want is him to be out of control for you so you know you're someone worth being out of control for. Most long-term relationships tend to require people to spend a lot of the time in control, doing things in a grounded way. Not all though, but it sounds like that's what he is working on.
You do have a huge thing going on here which is...do you want to be married to the person your husband is when he's not on his sex drug. And do you want to be the person you are, when you also are not on his sex drug. You don't have to make a "right" choice (despite your therapist, wtf therapist), you just need to discover what your feelings about it really are. Then you will know if you need to move on in your mind and stay and discover all the 234234523 other things a marriage is about, or if you need to move on to find someone who really actually has a very high sex drive.
* As a side note, if he is not in therapy, I really worry that no matter what you do, he will either relapse or have some other coping mechanism like actual drugs kick in here. I hope he has support for working through his stuff.
posted by warriorqueen at 1:09 PM on May 28, 2018 [40 favorites]
... hypersexual behavior, and that is some very murky ethical water you're treading there. It's like missing the extra income your addict partner could bring in if they used cocaine to work overtime, or missing the attention a partner paid to you because they were obsessed with your fidelity until they got treatment for obsessive disorder.
well, no. analogy-wise, it's a lot more like being told "I only used to say I loved you all the time because I was addicted to being compulsively nice, nothing to do with you, really. I didn't particularly mean it or enjoy saying it, even though you thought I did. Aren't you happy for me now I've kicked the habit?"
The OP is not a substance like cocaine or an activity like sex. Expecting her to relish being given up, physically, like a substance or activity her partner no longer needs in order to function, is unreasonable bordering on outrageous.
She cannot compel her partner's libido and would be in genuinely bad ethical territory if she tried. however, attraction to her partner and unhappiness over his extreme mistreatment of her is nothing to second-guess or feel guilty about. really, the focus on being wanted rather than on wanting is the biggest problem, but much more for her than for him.
OP, I'd speculate that your past history of rejection and present situation of betrayal maks you feel absolutely unsafe expressing desire. but not getting what you want is still miles beyond not feeling permitted to want anything, only to respond to the wants of others. I don't think you will get what you want from him, but you are beyond entitled to wish, want, regret, and fantasize without regard to his delicacy. want directly, don't just want to be wanted. You matter.
posted by queenofbithynia at 1:12 PM on May 28, 2018 [7 favorites]
well, no. analogy-wise, it's a lot more like being told "I only used to say I loved you all the time because I was addicted to being compulsively nice, nothing to do with you, really. I didn't particularly mean it or enjoy saying it, even though you thought I did. Aren't you happy for me now I've kicked the habit?"
The OP is not a substance like cocaine or an activity like sex. Expecting her to relish being given up, physically, like a substance or activity her partner no longer needs in order to function, is unreasonable bordering on outrageous.
She cannot compel her partner's libido and would be in genuinely bad ethical territory if she tried. however, attraction to her partner and unhappiness over his extreme mistreatment of her is nothing to second-guess or feel guilty about. really, the focus on being wanted rather than on wanting is the biggest problem, but much more for her than for him.
OP, I'd speculate that your past history of rejection and present situation of betrayal maks you feel absolutely unsafe expressing desire. but not getting what you want is still miles beyond not feeling permitted to want anything, only to respond to the wants of others. I don't think you will get what you want from him, but you are beyond entitled to wish, want, regret, and fantasize without regard to his delicacy. want directly, don't just want to be wanted. You matter.
posted by queenofbithynia at 1:12 PM on May 28, 2018 [7 favorites]
I don't blame you for feeling completely betrayed at what he was hiding, nor for feeling a lot of whiplash and difficulty adjusting to now. That would be very hard.
It also sounds like his compulsive use of sex was keeping you from having to deal with your anxiety and fear in the aftermath of your last relationship. There's a piece of this that's about you-and-him, due to the drastic contrast from before (and maybe also the betrayal / lying, though you kind of sound over that?). But it also sounds like some part of this might be work you might have to do on your own to get over your last relationship. That anxiety sounds like it is at the root of some part of this. If you can own that piece and untangle it from the relationship dynamics, that might be helpful. It almost seems like you guys both got caught up in the intensity of his addiction, and like it was serving a purpose for you in covering your anxiety. And now that he's made the decision to move past that, you have to find a way to deal with what that was letting you avoid as well. Is your current counselor being useful in working through that anxiety? And could you go to couples counseling as you find your way to a new normal as a couple? Having high-quality sex once or twice a week is a completely different thing from your previous relationship. But it makes sense that a sudden decline would cause that to come to the surface. Talking through what the change means and the emotions it brings up could be helpful.
posted by salvia at 1:22 PM on May 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
It also sounds like his compulsive use of sex was keeping you from having to deal with your anxiety and fear in the aftermath of your last relationship. There's a piece of this that's about you-and-him, due to the drastic contrast from before (and maybe also the betrayal / lying, though you kind of sound over that?). But it also sounds like some part of this might be work you might have to do on your own to get over your last relationship. That anxiety sounds like it is at the root of some part of this. If you can own that piece and untangle it from the relationship dynamics, that might be helpful. It almost seems like you guys both got caught up in the intensity of his addiction, and like it was serving a purpose for you in covering your anxiety. And now that he's made the decision to move past that, you have to find a way to deal with what that was letting you avoid as well. Is your current counselor being useful in working through that anxiety? And could you go to couples counseling as you find your way to a new normal as a couple? Having high-quality sex once or twice a week is a completely different thing from your previous relationship. But it makes sense that a sudden decline would cause that to come to the surface. Talking through what the change means and the emotions it brings up could be helpful.
posted by salvia at 1:22 PM on May 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
>> hypersexual behavior, and that is some very murky ethical water you're treading there. It's like missing the extra income your addict partner could bring in if they used cocaine to work overtime
> well, no. analogy-wise, it's a lot more like being told "I only used to say I loved you all the time because I was addicted to being compulsively nice, nothing to do with you, really. I didn't particularly mean it or enjoy saying it, even though you thought I did. Aren't you happy for me now I've kicked the habit?"
I think the best analogy is someone telling a recovering alcoholic he misses how much fun his friend used to be to hang out with at the bar. OP here is explicit that their sex together was like a drug, that she misses how it made her feel, and that without it, buried anxieties are coming to the surface. It sounds like maybe OP's last partner left her with some issues to work through that she's been avoiding using sex, and now that her current partner is in recovery, they've come to the surface, which never feels good, but is a great opportunity to address them.
posted by salvia at 1:50 PM on May 28, 2018 [4 favorites]
> well, no. analogy-wise, it's a lot more like being told "I only used to say I loved you all the time because I was addicted to being compulsively nice, nothing to do with you, really. I didn't particularly mean it or enjoy saying it, even though you thought I did. Aren't you happy for me now I've kicked the habit?"
I think the best analogy is someone telling a recovering alcoholic he misses how much fun his friend used to be to hang out with at the bar. OP here is explicit that their sex together was like a drug, that she misses how it made her feel, and that without it, buried anxieties are coming to the surface. It sounds like maybe OP's last partner left her with some issues to work through that she's been avoiding using sex, and now that her current partner is in recovery, they've come to the surface, which never feels good, but is a great opportunity to address them.
posted by salvia at 1:50 PM on May 28, 2018 [4 favorites]
"he lost his job around the same time as this big ugly confession last autumn and has grown increasingly depressed about his unemployment as he tries to find a job unsuccessfully."
COINCIDENCE?
No. Your husband has been "deflated," in several ways. The inability to find SOME job, even if a temporary one, in at least 7 months is part of Something Really Big that is changing in him. He has a lot to work through at this point and, I hope for your sake, he is actually confronting these ("deep") issues of self-identity, that right now are resulting in depression.
Other than that, I agree with everything everyone has said about Your issues. You were using his desire for you (or somebody, at every moment) as a drug, and now you're anxious and depressed that that dynamic has changed.
So now you're a "normal" married couple who has sex once or twice a week (yeah, that's "normal" for married couples), and look after each other's needs, and share household chores, and other stuff that married people do.
But the drug (sexual compulsion, both giving and receiving) are gone, and you both have the task of "living sober," which you both began rather abruptly and now are kind of "stuck with," without proper preparation. I imagine that part of his joblessness is connected to, "oh, so here am I. And who the hell am I, anyway, without the compulsive hunting for sex all the time? What value am I? What should I actually be *doing*?"
And you, presumably with a job, probably needs to ask herself the same question.
And that question needs to be explored *before* some big decisions happen regarding the relationship. Who are you?? (plural)
and...once you have some little fledgling answers to that question, the next question might be:
do you LIKE each other? And what does that mean to each of you?
(I am not your therapist; just thinking out loud.)
posted by DMelanogaster at 2:18 PM on May 28, 2018 [3 favorites]
COINCIDENCE?
No. Your husband has been "deflated," in several ways. The inability to find SOME job, even if a temporary one, in at least 7 months is part of Something Really Big that is changing in him. He has a lot to work through at this point and, I hope for your sake, he is actually confronting these ("deep") issues of self-identity, that right now are resulting in depression.
Other than that, I agree with everything everyone has said about Your issues. You were using his desire for you (or somebody, at every moment) as a drug, and now you're anxious and depressed that that dynamic has changed.
So now you're a "normal" married couple who has sex once or twice a week (yeah, that's "normal" for married couples), and look after each other's needs, and share household chores, and other stuff that married people do.
But the drug (sexual compulsion, both giving and receiving) are gone, and you both have the task of "living sober," which you both began rather abruptly and now are kind of "stuck with," without proper preparation. I imagine that part of his joblessness is connected to, "oh, so here am I. And who the hell am I, anyway, without the compulsive hunting for sex all the time? What value am I? What should I actually be *doing*?"
And you, presumably with a job, probably needs to ask herself the same question.
And that question needs to be explored *before* some big decisions happen regarding the relationship. Who are you?? (plural)
and...once you have some little fledgling answers to that question, the next question might be:
do you LIKE each other? And what does that mean to each of you?
(I am not your therapist; just thinking out loud.)
posted by DMelanogaster at 2:18 PM on May 28, 2018 [3 favorites]
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If you're both already in therapy...I'm not trying to write this as a DTMFA answer, but something I don't see in your post is a conscious, deliberate choice to stay married to this guy in spite of what you learned. He is quite different from the person you thought you were marrying. Did you sit down and reckon it out? If so, can you focus on those reasons?
(Finally, please forgive me for bringing it up, but I really hope both of you have had a comprehensive set of STD tests. Unfortunately, he is at considerable risk of having one or more, and, therefore, so are you.)
posted by praemunire at 10:38 AM on May 28, 2018 [2 favorites]