My mom's in an abusive relationship
May 25, 2018 11:38 PM Subscribe
My mom has been in a on and off relationship with an abusive man for 16+ years. How to cope with it when living in close quarters and to best support her?
Throwaway email is throwawaysocky@gmail.com
She's been together with this guy since I was a child. Then they had my brother. The four of us live together. Things were nice for a while, then when I was older I started noticing his abusive tendencies. Throwing stuff, hitting walls, yelling, extensive gaslighting (you're seeing a guy behind my back, you're lying etc.) This has continued, with them breaking up and getting back together. She can't afford to leave him through financial issues.
They broke up for a few weeks recently, then got back together. I told my mom I thought she was making a big mistake. But I let it go. It's her decision. They just started fighting often, usually late at night when I'm trying to sleep.
Three questions:
1) I'm done with this guy's bullshit. He extended an olive branch to me knowing things are rough between us.I've tried to be nice, but he's you know, being awful to my mother. Ideally I wouldn't have anything to do with him How do I emotionally protect myself while not being outright hostile?
2) How do I support my mom? I have a complicated relationship with her, but I want to be there for her. I know she's going through a lot. I don't support her relationship with this guy cause it's so bad.
3) How do I get some rest when they're fighting? There will be multi hour arguments in the middle of the night and i work. I can't relax because it stresses me out and I'm worried about my mom getting hurt/hate hearing her getting yelled at. But I really need the rest despite all this nonsense.
She's been together with this guy since I was a child. Then they had my brother. The four of us live together. Things were nice for a while, then when I was older I started noticing his abusive tendencies. Throwing stuff, hitting walls, yelling, extensive gaslighting (you're seeing a guy behind my back, you're lying etc.) This has continued, with them breaking up and getting back together. She can't afford to leave him through financial issues.
They broke up for a few weeks recently, then got back together. I told my mom I thought she was making a big mistake. But I let it go. It's her decision. They just started fighting often, usually late at night when I'm trying to sleep.
Three questions:
1) I'm done with this guy's bullshit. He extended an olive branch to me knowing things are rough between us.I've tried to be nice, but he's you know, being awful to my mother. Ideally I wouldn't have anything to do with him How do I emotionally protect myself while not being outright hostile?
2) How do I support my mom? I have a complicated relationship with her, but I want to be there for her. I know she's going through a lot. I don't support her relationship with this guy cause it's so bad.
3) How do I get some rest when they're fighting? There will be multi hour arguments in the middle of the night and i work. I can't relax because it stresses me out and I'm worried about my mom getting hurt/hate hearing her getting yelled at. But I really need the rest despite all this nonsense.
"Put your own oxygen mask on first."
You can't "support" your mom in any meaningful way when you can't even support yourself financially. You say she puts up with his abuse because she can't financially afford to walk away, then you ask how you can sleep while they fight. Clearly, you can't support yourself, so you basically have the same issue your Mon has. You can't really take a stand in such a situation.
If you are in the US, call 211 to find out what resources are available locally. See if you might qualify for food stamps if you move out. Look for a cheap room to rent or a roommate situation if you can't afford an apartment.
You need to get solidly on your own two feet first. When and if that happens, you can revisit somehow trying to help your mother.
posted by DoreenMichele at 12:17 AM on May 26, 2018 [6 favorites]
You can't "support" your mom in any meaningful way when you can't even support yourself financially. You say she puts up with his abuse because she can't financially afford to walk away, then you ask how you can sleep while they fight. Clearly, you can't support yourself, so you basically have the same issue your Mon has. You can't really take a stand in such a situation.
If you are in the US, call 211 to find out what resources are available locally. See if you might qualify for food stamps if you move out. Look for a cheap room to rent or a roommate situation if you can't afford an apartment.
You need to get solidly on your own two feet first. When and if that happens, you can revisit somehow trying to help your mother.
posted by DoreenMichele at 12:17 AM on May 26, 2018 [6 favorites]
Echoing the others, the best way you can support your mother is to take care of yourself. You protect yourself best without being hostile (which is a good goal, by the way) by getting out of the situation if you can. Do you have another relative who can put you up?
posted by frumiousb at 2:05 AM on May 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by frumiousb at 2:05 AM on May 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
The best way you can help your mom is to figure out what would enable her to be financially independent. However, that’s not your job to figure out - but it is someone’s. Do you have an aunt, a grandmother? Is there an old friend of your mom’s that you are close with? Telling them this guy is abusive, if you are close enough to feel safe doing so, is super helpful, because it lets allies who can actually assist take on the load.
The other thing you can do is just tell your mom what you’ve told us. “Mom, I love you and will always be on your side. I will never like this guy in the way he wants because I can’t like someone who hurts you. But I love you and want you to be happy. I hope someday you can.”
posted by corb at 6:38 AM on May 26, 2018 [2 favorites]
The other thing you can do is just tell your mom what you’ve told us. “Mom, I love you and will always be on your side. I will never like this guy in the way he wants because I can’t like someone who hurts you. But I love you and want you to be happy. I hope someday you can.”
posted by corb at 6:38 AM on May 26, 2018 [2 favorites]
Get out first, help your mom second.
For the immediate term: If you can get out of the house and get your own place, do it. Do you have a friend who needs a roommate? Cheap apartments? Check craigslist for roommate situations? If you can't, put a fan or a white noise generator next to your head while you sleep.
Make a plan to get out. If you don't have enough money to support yourself, go to DHS and see what you might be eligible for in terms of benefits - EBT, any other assistance for low-income folks.
Talk to a domestic violence hotline about the situation and see what they say. I promise you will not be the first family member calling in, and they may be able to point you to other resources as well as giving you advice on supporting your mom.
posted by bile and syntax at 7:44 AM on May 26, 2018
For the immediate term: If you can get out of the house and get your own place, do it. Do you have a friend who needs a roommate? Cheap apartments? Check craigslist for roommate situations? If you can't, put a fan or a white noise generator next to your head while you sleep.
Make a plan to get out. If you don't have enough money to support yourself, go to DHS and see what you might be eligible for in terms of benefits - EBT, any other assistance for low-income folks.
Talk to a domestic violence hotline about the situation and see what they say. I promise you will not be the first family member calling in, and they may be able to point you to other resources as well as giving you advice on supporting your mom.
posted by bile and syntax at 7:44 AM on May 26, 2018
You need to get out of the house and out of their lives before you can try to help your mom. You need to accept the fact that you may never actually be able to help your mom. You need to accept the fact that he will try to paint YOU as the problem, and as a liar, not just to your mom and brother but also to all of the family friends and the rest of your extended family. Abusers are very good at deflecting the blame and changing the story and alienating people from one another when they would otherwise be natural allies against the abuser.
I understand very well the nature of having an extremely complicated relationship with one's mother while she is also the victim of emotional abuse, and in my case it was impossible to support her while I was still living at home. Anything I said or did to try and defend her or deflect abuse left me as the sole target for him, or for both of them, which is not the responsibility of a minor child, ever, under any circumstances. You need to get yourself out of that environment as soon as you can, and, if you can do so safely, encourage your brother to do so as well. (I'm assuming you are over 18 and he is under but it's hard to tell?)
posted by poffin boffin at 10:20 AM on May 26, 2018 [2 favorites]
I understand very well the nature of having an extremely complicated relationship with one's mother while she is also the victim of emotional abuse, and in my case it was impossible to support her while I was still living at home. Anything I said or did to try and defend her or deflect abuse left me as the sole target for him, or for both of them, which is not the responsibility of a minor child, ever, under any circumstances. You need to get yourself out of that environment as soon as you can, and, if you can do so safely, encourage your brother to do so as well. (I'm assuming you are over 18 and he is under but it's hard to tell?)
posted by poffin boffin at 10:20 AM on May 26, 2018 [2 favorites]
Anonymous, I'm sorry you and your Mom are going through this. There is a family violence program near you. Look in a paper phone book, or go to a library, or call the police from a public phone. They are trained in how to support people in this exact circumstance. They will help you and your brother, and they will help your Mom if she wants help.
Gather your resources. Make sure you have some cash and some basics - change of clothes, etc., - someplace where you can get to them in a crisis.
posted by theora55 at 10:44 AM on May 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
Gather your resources. Make sure you have some cash and some basics - change of clothes, etc., - someplace where you can get to them in a crisis.
posted by theora55 at 10:44 AM on May 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
The MeFi There is Help Wiki has links to domestic violence helplines in many parts of the world. As others have said, many or most can advise you as an affected family member. Wishing you the best.
posted by penguin pie at 12:45 PM on May 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by penguin pie at 12:45 PM on May 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
Just to add: If you scroll down a little in the wiki, you’ll see a section especially dedicated to the question “How can I help a victim of domestic violence?” with some useful links to advice pages elsewhere, and links to other AskMes on the topic.
posted by penguin pie at 12:49 PM on May 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by penguin pie at 12:49 PM on May 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Move out if you can. You deserve a life free from abuse.
posted by crazycanuck at 11:47 PM on May 25, 2018 [8 favorites]