new job woes + extreme social anxiety + not smart enough.
May 24, 2018 4:18 PM Subscribe
So it's a few days into my new job. Fellow new hires are running rings around me. I feel humiliated and horribly mismatched. But I need to give to this a proper shot and stick this out right?
I'm in my forties, a damaged person, and I recognize, and accept with humility, that I may never be a fully-functional person. I don't know how to fix myself. It's really hard to change after this age and the magnitude of this dysfunction, and that's okay.
However, in spite of everything, I recently finished up my comp sci degree (yay!), performed well at my last programming job (part-time, low pay, but yay! nonetheless),and landed an incredible job opportunity after the stars aligned during the interview process.
In addition, I am proud of the fact that I am responsible for multiple other people graduating. I did 80%-90% of the work on my team's Capstone project. My team-mates either would not, or could not do the work (to be fair, they had massive time constraints). But I did it. I learned the APIs required and got it done, for the team. Our project was nothing stellar, but it was complete, thanks to me.
However, in the first week at my current job, I have become painfully aware that I overshot. I am not performing at the level of my peers, my fellow new hires. All the jokes WHOOSH over my head; everyone laughs but me. Each day is excruciating. Each day is an exercise in humiliation. Every day I am surrounded by peers who are grateful to be there, and shamefully, I am not. Each exercise we do, I am made painfully aware that I don't think or perform at the level required, or with the attention to detail that is expected. Little tasks like walking past people are excruciating. I bumped into a wall today walking past someone, a senior hiring manager(!). I feel like I will, and have, become the office cancer, the unpleasant team-mate draining value from whichever team ends up saddled with me.
On the other hand, I feel like I owe it to myself to see this through. For now, I am going to keep showing up on time, paying attention, and diligently trying to do the work. Perhaps now that I've thoroughly humiliated myself, and shown myself to be woefully under-skilled, I can speak up more now that I have no "face" left to lose.
Maybe this excruciating daily humiliation is what personal growth feels like? How can I say I failed, when it's only the first week? Surely I owe it to myself to give this opportunity a chance?
I'm in my forties, a damaged person, and I recognize, and accept with humility, that I may never be a fully-functional person. I don't know how to fix myself. It's really hard to change after this age and the magnitude of this dysfunction, and that's okay.
However, in spite of everything, I recently finished up my comp sci degree (yay!), performed well at my last programming job (part-time, low pay, but yay! nonetheless),and landed an incredible job opportunity after the stars aligned during the interview process.
In addition, I am proud of the fact that I am responsible for multiple other people graduating. I did 80%-90% of the work on my team's Capstone project. My team-mates either would not, or could not do the work (to be fair, they had massive time constraints). But I did it. I learned the APIs required and got it done, for the team. Our project was nothing stellar, but it was complete, thanks to me.
However, in the first week at my current job, I have become painfully aware that I overshot. I am not performing at the level of my peers, my fellow new hires. All the jokes WHOOSH over my head; everyone laughs but me. Each day is excruciating. Each day is an exercise in humiliation. Every day I am surrounded by peers who are grateful to be there, and shamefully, I am not. Each exercise we do, I am made painfully aware that I don't think or perform at the level required, or with the attention to detail that is expected. Little tasks like walking past people are excruciating. I bumped into a wall today walking past someone, a senior hiring manager(!). I feel like I will, and have, become the office cancer, the unpleasant team-mate draining value from whichever team ends up saddled with me.
On the other hand, I feel like I owe it to myself to see this through. For now, I am going to keep showing up on time, paying attention, and diligently trying to do the work. Perhaps now that I've thoroughly humiliated myself, and shown myself to be woefully under-skilled, I can speak up more now that I have no "face" left to lose.
Maybe this excruciating daily humiliation is what personal growth feels like? How can I say I failed, when it's only the first week? Surely I owe it to myself to give this opportunity a chance?
Sooo, what do you usually do to manage your anxiety? If you're currently between therapists / insurances, there's probably an employee assistance program that can act as a stopgap until you can get that figured out. Because anxiety is the problem I see that's keeping you from settling in at your job.
It sounds like you're being really hard on yourself, and you're comparing your insides to everyone else's outsides. It's normal to have a lot of anxiety about your first "real" job out of college. Just try to assume that the problem is your anxiety and not that you're a failure. I promise that unless you're being actively malevolent in some way (harassing coworkers? Machiavellian scheming? stealing lunches?) you are not regarded as the office cancer. Keep doing your best for a month, then ask your boss (neutrally, without dragging yourself) how you're doing.
The starts did not align during the interview process - they hired you because you have skills they want. Nobody cares that you accidentally bumped into a wall. If you have questions you should definitely ask them - I'm terrible at thinking of questions in the moment and envy people who are good at it.
posted by momus_window at 4:51 PM on May 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
It sounds like you're being really hard on yourself, and you're comparing your insides to everyone else's outsides. It's normal to have a lot of anxiety about your first "real" job out of college. Just try to assume that the problem is your anxiety and not that you're a failure. I promise that unless you're being actively malevolent in some way (harassing coworkers? Machiavellian scheming? stealing lunches?) you are not regarded as the office cancer. Keep doing your best for a month, then ask your boss (neutrally, without dragging yourself) how you're doing.
The starts did not align during the interview process - they hired you because you have skills they want. Nobody cares that you accidentally bumped into a wall. If you have questions you should definitely ask them - I'm terrible at thinking of questions in the moment and envy people who are good at it.
posted by momus_window at 4:51 PM on May 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
Even as a complete stranger who knows literally nothing about you but the text of this question, I can tell you're performing better than you think you are.
Don't listen to your anxiety. It is lying to you.
posted by ook at 4:53 PM on May 24, 2018 [46 favorites]
Don't listen to your anxiety. It is lying to you.
posted by ook at 4:53 PM on May 24, 2018 [46 favorites]
I am not a programmer so my advice is more like general job advice. I think you are being very hard on yourself and you need to cut yourself some slack. The pressure you are putting on yourself is almost certainly making it harder for you to perform at your best.
In terms of interpersonal dynamics, don’t worry about getting the joke. Try to get to know 1-2 people one on one at first, away from the pressure of the group. You might be a bit older than your colleagues so you may never be one of the cool kids, but kindness and sincerity are always welcome.
In terms of your work, I have two suggestions. One is that when I am feeling unsure, I try to frame my ideas as a broad question, I.e. “should we be concerned about memory allocation” or whatever. That way you can participate even if you haven’t had enough time to process all the details.
Second, ask a manager if you can look at the exercises ahead of time so you can delve into the details in a low-pressure setting. Or, failing that, take an exercise home and come up with some more complete thoughts on your own, then show them to a manager later and ask for their feedback. This will show that although you are still getting the hang of things, you are making an extra effort.
Someone in this company believed in you enough to hire you! They believe you can contribute something valuable! Keep your head up, it will get easier.
posted by mai at 4:56 PM on May 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
In terms of interpersonal dynamics, don’t worry about getting the joke. Try to get to know 1-2 people one on one at first, away from the pressure of the group. You might be a bit older than your colleagues so you may never be one of the cool kids, but kindness and sincerity are always welcome.
In terms of your work, I have two suggestions. One is that when I am feeling unsure, I try to frame my ideas as a broad question, I.e. “should we be concerned about memory allocation” or whatever. That way you can participate even if you haven’t had enough time to process all the details.
Second, ask a manager if you can look at the exercises ahead of time so you can delve into the details in a low-pressure setting. Or, failing that, take an exercise home and come up with some more complete thoughts on your own, then show them to a manager later and ask for their feedback. This will show that although you are still getting the hang of things, you are making an extra effort.
Someone in this company believed in you enough to hire you! They believe you can contribute something valuable! Keep your head up, it will get easier.
posted by mai at 4:56 PM on May 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
I have various forms of anxiety and almost always spend the first few weeks of a job going "OH MY GOD THERE'S NO WAY I'LL EVER LEARN HOW TO DO THIS STUFF" and genuinely feeling like I'm going to be kicked out for being inadequate, but it's always been a pleasant surprise just how much one can pick up by the virtue of doing a thing all day, every day. If you can hang in there despite your self doubt, you're going to have somewhere in the neighborhood of eight hours a day to practice this stuff, five days a week. The voice telling you you suck will likely try to stick around anyway, and that's where various forms of anxiety management might help, but as far as the work itself, you are likely to learn and improve a lot if you just keep showing up.
I'm so sorry you're feeling this self conscious, though.
posted by space snail at 5:05 PM on May 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
I'm so sorry you're feeling this self conscious, though.
posted by space snail at 5:05 PM on May 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
A few years ago I made a job change. The new job was pretty much the same as the old job, but different people, processes and systems. I felt like a complete dunce for months - the thing is, I knew that my feelings weren't correct because I knew I *could* do the work because I'd been doing it for years already. I was just struggling to acclimate to a new way of doing the same thing. That knowledge allowed me to be more patient with myself - I hope it helps you too.
For now, tap into all the resources available to manage your anxiety - meditation, breathing exercises, cardio, therapy, medication. Give yourself a chance to actually learn the job before you decide you've failed at it.
A couple of other thoughts:
* I don't know about your workplace but in mine diversity is important. Not getting the same jokes everyone else gets could actually be your superpower. [At my current job, the weakness that I was coached on for years has turned out to be a secret strength. Hah.]
* Even if this is just not the right fit - that is no reason to be humiliated. I understand the feeling because I've been there - but it's no reflection on your worth as a person.
posted by bunderful at 5:10 PM on May 24, 2018 [4 favorites]
For now, tap into all the resources available to manage your anxiety - meditation, breathing exercises, cardio, therapy, medication. Give yourself a chance to actually learn the job before you decide you've failed at it.
A couple of other thoughts:
* I don't know about your workplace but in mine diversity is important. Not getting the same jokes everyone else gets could actually be your superpower. [At my current job, the weakness that I was coached on for years has turned out to be a secret strength. Hah.]
* Even if this is just not the right fit - that is no reason to be humiliated. I understand the feeling because I've been there - but it's no reflection on your worth as a person.
posted by bunderful at 5:10 PM on May 24, 2018 [4 favorites]
This sounds very much like your anxiety has hijacked your internal narrative and is telling you terrible lies. Even if you aren't qualified for the job, it is absurd to be thinking of yourself as the office cancer. It's just so far out of whack with anything plausible that, even though I don't know you and am a terribly skeptical person, I know it's the anxiety talking.
(Many of the new people around you feel exactly the same way you do. The rest of them have learned to fake it to themselves.)
You need to get your anxiety treated, or, if you're already addressing it, to seek an adjustment of your regimen. There are many options for treatment these days. You don't need to be dragging around a fifty-pound backpack of anxiety BS while working at a new job!
posted by praemunire at 5:19 PM on May 24, 2018 [12 favorites]
(Many of the new people around you feel exactly the same way you do. The rest of them have learned to fake it to themselves.)
You need to get your anxiety treated, or, if you're already addressing it, to seek an adjustment of your regimen. There are many options for treatment these days. You don't need to be dragging around a fifty-pound backpack of anxiety BS while working at a new job!
posted by praemunire at 5:19 PM on May 24, 2018 [12 favorites]
I was very sad when I read that you call yourself a cancer. You don't deserve that. Performance isn't everything. You're reliable, willing to learn, and work hard. Those are all traits of good employees.
Can you ask your boss for feedback about how to improve?
As far as not getting the jokes, maybe it'll take you a while to get used to the new work culture. Maybe as you learn more at your job, the jokes will start making more sense to you.
posted by Social Science Nerd at 5:23 PM on May 24, 2018
Can you ask your boss for feedback about how to improve?
As far as not getting the jokes, maybe it'll take you a while to get used to the new work culture. Maybe as you learn more at your job, the jokes will start making more sense to you.
posted by Social Science Nerd at 5:23 PM on May 24, 2018
That tension boiled over on August 22, 1968, when Ringo called it quits. Everyone was fighting, Paul had mocked his drumming, and he was feeling like an outsider. Frustrated, Ringo approached John and said, “I’m leaving the group because I’m not playing well, and I feel unloved and out of it, and you three are really close.” Lennon was flabbergasted. “I thought it was you three!” he shouted. When Ringo approached Paul, he got the same exact response.
-- Anecdote from The Beatles
Things are very often not what they seem. Time very often reveals a different reality that defies what you currently imagine is happening. This is why we have classics like The Ugly Duckling.
You really need to try to get some kind of objective metric to measure your performance. You are describing subjective perception and admitting up front that it is skewed by poor self esteem and emotional baggage. You cannot trust your subjective assessment.
I mean, no one can. But it's worse when you have a lot of personal baggage coloring your perception.
You have to find objective measures to track. That is the only way to figure out where you really stand and it can do wonders for your sanity.
posted by DoreenMichele at 5:29 PM on May 24, 2018 [10 favorites]
-- Anecdote from The Beatles
Things are very often not what they seem. Time very often reveals a different reality that defies what you currently imagine is happening. This is why we have classics like The Ugly Duckling.
You really need to try to get some kind of objective metric to measure your performance. You are describing subjective perception and admitting up front that it is skewed by poor self esteem and emotional baggage. You cannot trust your subjective assessment.
I mean, no one can. But it's worse when you have a lot of personal baggage coloring your perception.
You have to find objective measures to track. That is the only way to figure out where you really stand and it can do wonders for your sanity.
posted by DoreenMichele at 5:29 PM on May 24, 2018 [10 favorites]
Also, do keep in mind that if your fellow new hires are recent college grads, most of them are probably 20 years younger than you. A lot of "not getting jokes" may well just be generationally-specific references or types of humor. Nothing to do with competence.
posted by praemunire at 5:32 PM on May 24, 2018 [11 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 5:32 PM on May 24, 2018 [11 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you, I'm going to work on doing a little better each day. Part of my behavior, which is hard to articulate on the page, but probably maddening in-person, is that I don't cope, I mope. Like a big, ridiculous, pouting baby. I'm the dude from Confederacy of Dunces, come to life! Oh Lordy, how did I end up like this!? Tragedy, Comedy, Make it stop.
I got this though, thank you. No matter the outcome, I'll give it my best.
posted by beigeness at 5:44 PM on May 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
I got this though, thank you. No matter the outcome, I'll give it my best.
posted by beigeness at 5:44 PM on May 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
Maybe this excruciating daily humiliation is what personal growth feels like?
It's what a lack of personal growth feels like. Personal growth is what happens when you keep on practising refusal to allow that kind of self-inflicted excruciation to stop you doing what you're pretty sure is the right thing.
Those of us who are particularly susceptible to these things can be told over and over and over that negative self-talk and impostor syndrome and general anxiety is all just different flavours of internalized bullshit, but not even accepting that this is the case is enough to reduce the suffering that such bullshit causes. There's a difference between knowing stuff and being able to apply it, and what makes that difference is practice at applying it.
For now, I am going to keep showing up on time, paying attention, and diligently trying to do the work.
And there you have it. You do know what is the right thing, and your "for now" plan is completely sound.
posted by flabdablet at 5:46 PM on May 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
It's what a lack of personal growth feels like. Personal growth is what happens when you keep on practising refusal to allow that kind of self-inflicted excruciation to stop you doing what you're pretty sure is the right thing.
Those of us who are particularly susceptible to these things can be told over and over and over that negative self-talk and impostor syndrome and general anxiety is all just different flavours of internalized bullshit, but not even accepting that this is the case is enough to reduce the suffering that such bullshit causes. There's a difference between knowing stuff and being able to apply it, and what makes that difference is practice at applying it.
For now, I am going to keep showing up on time, paying attention, and diligently trying to do the work.
And there you have it. You do know what is the right thing, and your "for now" plan is completely sound.
posted by flabdablet at 5:46 PM on May 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
Yes, yes you should stick it out.
The following is only about the job, not about your anxiety or feelings. It assumes that you have sorta-accurate perceptions in terms of your performance.
1. Someone has to be worst. In any cohort, someone has to be the least-skilled. Maybe this is you right now. But you know what? When they hire large groups, they're aware that some people will be better than others. You might be the worst, but this isn't some kind of giant surprise.
2. It is likely that the material will click for you after a while. When I took my first accounting course, man, the first week or so, I could not make heads or tails of it. I figured I was too dumb to do accounting (and I'm not actually a natural accountant). But after a few more classes, I started to get the material in a holistic way and it got a lot easier. You're learning a bunch of new stuff. It may just need time to coalesce in your brain.
3. This is a relatively tight economy even though wages are still stagnant. Frankly, they need workers. Training someone who is not perhaps a genius is worth it to them.
4. You don't know why you were hired. It might be that you were hired because of your persistence or seriousness of purpose rather than because they expected you to be performing at a super high level right away. I've been in on a lot of hiring decisions and they're not always "this person is a genius who will ace the training, that's the most important thing".
5. Even if you are the worst performer, there are almost certainly people in your cohort who are weak but faking it, and they are almost certainly relieved that you are the one who is visibly making mistakes.
On another note:
1. When you have anxiety, it eats up a lot of brainspace and makes it harder to learn. Right now you're spending brain power on worrying about, like, walking correctly. It is unlikely that your current performance reflects your true capacity.
2. The more comfortable you get with the milieu and the people, the less brainpower will go on anxiety and the easier it will be to learn. Sticking it out, even if it is super stressful, will help you learn.
3. Try to rest and refresh your brain over the weekend, not ruminate. It seems likely that winding down, sleeping deeply, etc will actually help you learn and help you settle your knowledge in your brain.
4. You are certainly not a loathed cancer in the program. That's a wildly unrealistic, catastrophizing way of thinking about yourself.
5. I have had a couple of epic work fails in my life. Looking back with more experience, I can see that I could have weathered the storm if I had done two things - worked on having an "I can do it even if it's a struggle and I am not a star" mentality rather than a "I am struggling, that's a sign that I'm a failure" mentality and taken time away from work to plan and think critically about what I was doing. At the time, I freaked out, became convinced I was failing and did the minimum necessary and/or quit because I would get too worked up and panicky to focus.
Do you have a therapist or someone that you can strategize with about work? That would have helped me enormously. In my failed jobs, I was not a star. I was easily the worst of my cohort. But in later life I was able to build the skills that I was missing then, and now I'm actually good at those things - not a star, but above the median.
You can do this, but you need to rest and calm your mind.
posted by Frowner at 5:48 PM on May 24, 2018 [12 favorites]
The following is only about the job, not about your anxiety or feelings. It assumes that you have sorta-accurate perceptions in terms of your performance.
1. Someone has to be worst. In any cohort, someone has to be the least-skilled. Maybe this is you right now. But you know what? When they hire large groups, they're aware that some people will be better than others. You might be the worst, but this isn't some kind of giant surprise.
2. It is likely that the material will click for you after a while. When I took my first accounting course, man, the first week or so, I could not make heads or tails of it. I figured I was too dumb to do accounting (and I'm not actually a natural accountant). But after a few more classes, I started to get the material in a holistic way and it got a lot easier. You're learning a bunch of new stuff. It may just need time to coalesce in your brain.
3. This is a relatively tight economy even though wages are still stagnant. Frankly, they need workers. Training someone who is not perhaps a genius is worth it to them.
4. You don't know why you were hired. It might be that you were hired because of your persistence or seriousness of purpose rather than because they expected you to be performing at a super high level right away. I've been in on a lot of hiring decisions and they're not always "this person is a genius who will ace the training, that's the most important thing".
5. Even if you are the worst performer, there are almost certainly people in your cohort who are weak but faking it, and they are almost certainly relieved that you are the one who is visibly making mistakes.
On another note:
1. When you have anxiety, it eats up a lot of brainspace and makes it harder to learn. Right now you're spending brain power on worrying about, like, walking correctly. It is unlikely that your current performance reflects your true capacity.
2. The more comfortable you get with the milieu and the people, the less brainpower will go on anxiety and the easier it will be to learn. Sticking it out, even if it is super stressful, will help you learn.
3. Try to rest and refresh your brain over the weekend, not ruminate. It seems likely that winding down, sleeping deeply, etc will actually help you learn and help you settle your knowledge in your brain.
4. You are certainly not a loathed cancer in the program. That's a wildly unrealistic, catastrophizing way of thinking about yourself.
5. I have had a couple of epic work fails in my life. Looking back with more experience, I can see that I could have weathered the storm if I had done two things - worked on having an "I can do it even if it's a struggle and I am not a star" mentality rather than a "I am struggling, that's a sign that I'm a failure" mentality and taken time away from work to plan and think critically about what I was doing. At the time, I freaked out, became convinced I was failing and did the minimum necessary and/or quit because I would get too worked up and panicky to focus.
Do you have a therapist or someone that you can strategize with about work? That would have helped me enormously. In my failed jobs, I was not a star. I was easily the worst of my cohort. But in later life I was able to build the skills that I was missing then, and now I'm actually good at those things - not a star, but above the median.
You can do this, but you need to rest and calm your mind.
posted by Frowner at 5:48 PM on May 24, 2018 [12 favorites]
I don't cope, I mope. Like a big, ridiculous, pouting baby. I'm the dude from Confederacy of Dunces, come to life! Oh Lordy, how did I end up like this!? Tragedy, Comedy, Make it stop.
The fact that you are already able to see the comedy aspect will be a big help to you.
I recently advised somebody else to try recasting their internal critic's doomsday pronouncements using the voice of Marvin the Martian. Works for me. Maybe it will work for you too. See what the little stinker is up to on your super video detecto set.
posted by flabdablet at 5:57 PM on May 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
The fact that you are already able to see the comedy aspect will be a big help to you.
I recently advised somebody else to try recasting their internal critic's doomsday pronouncements using the voice of Marvin the Martian. Works for me. Maybe it will work for you too. See what the little stinker is up to on your super video detecto set.
posted by flabdablet at 5:57 PM on May 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
Hang in there. I was in a similar situation once. Every day I went to work telling my husband "I bet I get fired today." When I made it to my first performance eval, it became clear that was not the case and in fact opposite to the way they really felt. It was a formal, fast-paced, and high-fucntioning environment, but I eventually did mostly adapt, and since I've moved on I'm really glad I worked there because everything else since has felt easier since I knew I had managed that.
posted by Miko at 6:01 PM on May 24, 2018
posted by Miko at 6:01 PM on May 24, 2018
Fellow new hires are running rings around me.
The fact that this is the very first thing you listed in your exposition reveals that comparing yourself to other people is a big thing for you. Perhaps you could use a bit of reminding that doing this is a battle-tested, industrial-strength strategy for making everything feel worse? Whenever you notice it happening, find one thing you did today that you would not have been able to do as well yesterday, and focus on that instead.
posted by flabdablet at 6:12 PM on May 24, 2018
The fact that this is the very first thing you listed in your exposition reveals that comparing yourself to other people is a big thing for you. Perhaps you could use a bit of reminding that doing this is a battle-tested, industrial-strength strategy for making everything feel worse? Whenever you notice it happening, find one thing you did today that you would not have been able to do as well yesterday, and focus on that instead.
posted by flabdablet at 6:12 PM on May 24, 2018
I mope. Like a big, ridiculous, pouting baby.
Some people are just more emotional than others. Such people have often gotten a lot of negative feedback that they are drama queens, that just having feelings is inherently bad, etc.
It might help to do something like start a private journal in which you name your feelings, acknowledge you have them and tell yourself it is okay to feel whatever you are feeling without trying to "fix" it.
Maybe take up poetry or cartooning and see how creatively you can express that you feel X, you feel the most X anyone has ever felt in the history of the universe and it is such a huge feeling that you can't contain it in your puny human body and you are sure you shall explode any minute, taking the entire office with you!
And after you have let yourself feel your feelings so you don't feel like you are suffocating (or strangling yourself), you may find it is vastly easier to focus on your work and keep your eye on the prize.
posted by DoreenMichele at 6:13 PM on May 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
Some people are just more emotional than others. Such people have often gotten a lot of negative feedback that they are drama queens, that just having feelings is inherently bad, etc.
It might help to do something like start a private journal in which you name your feelings, acknowledge you have them and tell yourself it is okay to feel whatever you are feeling without trying to "fix" it.
Maybe take up poetry or cartooning and see how creatively you can express that you feel X, you feel the most X anyone has ever felt in the history of the universe and it is such a huge feeling that you can't contain it in your puny human body and you are sure you shall explode any minute, taking the entire office with you!
And after you have let yourself feel your feelings so you don't feel like you are suffocating (or strangling yourself), you may find it is vastly easier to focus on your work and keep your eye on the prize.
posted by DoreenMichele at 6:13 PM on May 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
I would like to reframe your issue here. And it's in a way that you can talk to other people about it, at work, even.
"I find transitions like a new job can sometimes torpedo my confidence."
That's it. Give it at least 6 months while you learn and settle in. Get as much sleep as you can. Hang in there.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:38 PM on May 24, 2018 [5 favorites]
"I find transitions like a new job can sometimes torpedo my confidence."
That's it. Give it at least 6 months while you learn and settle in. Get as much sleep as you can. Hang in there.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:38 PM on May 24, 2018 [5 favorites]
A few days into a first professional job is way the heck too soon to be taking your own worries too seriously, so take heart!
At my first professional job I spent months anxious about my performance, certain my boss had made a bad hire, unsure how to relate to coworkers, afraid to speak up at meetings, sleeping ten hours at night, etc etc. But it was fine, truly. You are almost certainly your own worst critic right now. Learn all you can in your on hours, take care of yourself in your off hours, and know that lots of new employees feel these things, even if they seem not to be.
posted by eirias at 7:32 PM on May 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
At my first professional job I spent months anxious about my performance, certain my boss had made a bad hire, unsure how to relate to coworkers, afraid to speak up at meetings, sleeping ten hours at night, etc etc. But it was fine, truly. You are almost certainly your own worst critic right now. Learn all you can in your on hours, take care of yourself in your off hours, and know that lots of new employees feel these things, even if they seem not to be.
posted by eirias at 7:32 PM on May 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
Cut yourself some slack. Also, see a doctor.
I guarantee you're being way harder on yourself than anyone else is. Other people are just not thinking about you this much or this critically—they are, quite naturally, thinking mostly about themselves.
Have you heard of the fundamental attribution error? It is a concept in psychology which states, in a nutshell, that people tend to look at their own actions with a favorable bias, and others' actions with a critical bias. It's an error that seems pretty baked-in in humans, and you can see why—the adaptive implications are obvious.
The exceptions are us depressives, who have a reverse fundamental attribution bias. We tend to be overly critical of ourselves and overly charitable toward others. When others succeed, we see it as representative of their skills and character. When we succeed, we see it as dumb luck. When others fail, we see it as the result of circumstances beyond their control. When we fail, we see it as the result of personal deficiencies.
Our view of things is no more accurate than theirs, it's just that for us the fallacy is inverted, quite unhelpfully. You can learn to compensate though, sort of anyway. You can learn to at least partially account for it, bring your judgments closer to balance.
Perhaps you've heard some version of this passage?
And talk to a doctor about your feelings. You sound like you could use some help, and they may be able to help you.
You are good. You are enough.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 8:10 PM on May 24, 2018 [6 favorites]
I guarantee you're being way harder on yourself than anyone else is. Other people are just not thinking about you this much or this critically—they are, quite naturally, thinking mostly about themselves.
Have you heard of the fundamental attribution error? It is a concept in psychology which states, in a nutshell, that people tend to look at their own actions with a favorable bias, and others' actions with a critical bias. It's an error that seems pretty baked-in in humans, and you can see why—the adaptive implications are obvious.
The exceptions are us depressives, who have a reverse fundamental attribution bias. We tend to be overly critical of ourselves and overly charitable toward others. When others succeed, we see it as representative of their skills and character. When we succeed, we see it as dumb luck. When others fail, we see it as the result of circumstances beyond their control. When we fail, we see it as the result of personal deficiencies.
Our view of things is no more accurate than theirs, it's just that for us the fallacy is inverted, quite unhelpfully. You can learn to compensate though, sort of anyway. You can learn to at least partially account for it, bring your judgments closer to balance.
Perhaps you've heard some version of this passage?
This man beside us also has a hard fight with an unfavouring world, with strong temptations, with doubts and fears, with wounds of the past which have skinned over, but which smart when they are touched. It is a fact, however surprising. And when this occurs to us we are moved to deal kindly with him, to bid him be of good cheer, to let him understand that we are also fighting a battle; we are bound not to irritate him, nor press hardly upon him nor help his lower self.Apply this to yourself. It is good that you are inclined to think well of others, but try to take a more charitable view of your own thoughts and actions as well. You are fighting a hard battle. Life isn't easy. You're doing it anyway, though; keep going, and try to be kind to yourself.
And talk to a doctor about your feelings. You sound like you could use some help, and they may be able to help you.
You are good. You are enough.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 8:10 PM on May 24, 2018 [6 favorites]
I’m sorry, but I don’t think it’s possible to be objectively as terrible at your job as you say, if you’ve only been there a few days. Every job has a ramp up period. You’re still at the beginning of yours.
I started my current (first) tech job almost 2 years ago, in my mid-40’s. I spent every single day of the first six months with a knot in my stomach, petrified they were going to figure out that hiring me was their biggest mistake. That I was completely unqualified for the job. I was lucky if I understood 3% of what was said in any meeting. Just installing the software I needed to do my job was a ridiculous comedy of errors. But I quickly made up my mind that I was going to go in every single day and at least try. For as long as they continued to give me a paycheck, I was going to continue to attempt to do the job. I was not going to quit. They would have to fire me. God dammit, I needed the money and I had no fall-back plan to pay rent. It sounds like you are determined in the same way.
7 months in, I started to relax a little about getting fired. 10 months in, I was given a raise. 15 months in, a promotion. I learned to stop listening to what the voice in my head was telling me (“Fraud!” “Imposter!” “Idiot!” “Worthless!”) and start listening to what my actual manager was telling me (“Capable. “On it.” “Trustworthy.”) Go to your manager and ask for feedback. If things aren’t going well, ask specifically what you need to do to improve.
As far as work relationships go, look for opportunities to bond with people on your own terms. Are there activities, events, groups, etc that your company does in which you have any interest? Having people you connect to there will help you feel less like an imposter or a mistake, and more like part of the team.
Good luck! And please be kind to yourself!
posted by greermahoney at 9:20 PM on May 24, 2018 [6 favorites]
I started my current (first) tech job almost 2 years ago, in my mid-40’s. I spent every single day of the first six months with a knot in my stomach, petrified they were going to figure out that hiring me was their biggest mistake. That I was completely unqualified for the job. I was lucky if I understood 3% of what was said in any meeting. Just installing the software I needed to do my job was a ridiculous comedy of errors. But I quickly made up my mind that I was going to go in every single day and at least try. For as long as they continued to give me a paycheck, I was going to continue to attempt to do the job. I was not going to quit. They would have to fire me. God dammit, I needed the money and I had no fall-back plan to pay rent. It sounds like you are determined in the same way.
7 months in, I started to relax a little about getting fired. 10 months in, I was given a raise. 15 months in, a promotion. I learned to stop listening to what the voice in my head was telling me (“Fraud!” “Imposter!” “Idiot!” “Worthless!”) and start listening to what my actual manager was telling me (“Capable. “On it.” “Trustworthy.”) Go to your manager and ask for feedback. If things aren’t going well, ask specifically what you need to do to improve.
As far as work relationships go, look for opportunities to bond with people on your own terms. Are there activities, events, groups, etc that your company does in which you have any interest? Having people you connect to there will help you feel less like an imposter or a mistake, and more like part of the team.
Good luck! And please be kind to yourself!
posted by greermahoney at 9:20 PM on May 24, 2018 [6 favorites]
Oooh, let me help you with the wall bumping thing.
I am in my 40s, got laid off and had to start anew in an industry adjacent job where everyone is in their 20s. I felt like a loser from the start. It was so, so, so damn hard! I fucked everything up! 3 months in, I was ready to quit. I almost lost us a client! (But my managers are awesome and assured me proactively that in this job there‘s a steep learning curve and as long as I keep trying I‘ll be ok. It took me 6 months, which is the normal time for it to take. I am ok!)
Anyway, the wall bumping.
I attended my first meeting, the one where I was supposed to be introduced to everyone. I was super nervous.
I sat down and realised too late that someone had already put their notebook and pen there. Instead of getting up, I nervously grab the pen. The senior team lead, the person I was most trying to impress, materialises and says it‘s her seat. So I jump up and hurry off to a different seat - taking her pen with me.
„Um...“, she says with a strange look. „That‘s my pen.“
„Oh my God!“ I squeak and try to give it back to her so very much that I end up throwing it across the room, where it hits the opposite wall.
„I‘m sorry...“ I whisper, dying a little inside, as she wordlessly picks it up.
No-one has ever mentioned this episode to me. They really are awesome.
Given this, I just want to hug you because you are a sibling in nervous klutziness. Take heart: We are not alone. I urge you to read this Ask A Manager post from someone who accidentally hugged their CEO.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:51 PM on May 24, 2018 [6 favorites]
I am in my 40s, got laid off and had to start anew in an industry adjacent job where everyone is in their 20s. I felt like a loser from the start. It was so, so, so damn hard! I fucked everything up! 3 months in, I was ready to quit. I almost lost us a client! (But my managers are awesome and assured me proactively that in this job there‘s a steep learning curve and as long as I keep trying I‘ll be ok. It took me 6 months, which is the normal time for it to take. I am ok!)
Anyway, the wall bumping.
I attended my first meeting, the one where I was supposed to be introduced to everyone. I was super nervous.
I sat down and realised too late that someone had already put their notebook and pen there. Instead of getting up, I nervously grab the pen. The senior team lead, the person I was most trying to impress, materialises and says it‘s her seat. So I jump up and hurry off to a different seat - taking her pen with me.
„Um...“, she says with a strange look. „That‘s my pen.“
„Oh my God!“ I squeak and try to give it back to her so very much that I end up throwing it across the room, where it hits the opposite wall.
„I‘m sorry...“ I whisper, dying a little inside, as she wordlessly picks it up.
No-one has ever mentioned this episode to me. They really are awesome.
Given this, I just want to hug you because you are a sibling in nervous klutziness. Take heart: We are not alone. I urge you to read this Ask A Manager post from someone who accidentally hugged their CEO.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:51 PM on May 24, 2018 [6 favorites]
All of your examples sound like struggles with day-to-day social interactions and nothing at all related to your job performance. It sounds like you're catastrophizing and overthinking things and letting your anxiety get to you. I've done some awkward-ass shit at work too and it's never cost me my job. It sounds like you're mind is going a million miles a second thinking about all these social cues and how awkward you feel and it's taking over. I would literally just focus on the job and your actual duties. Let that be your focus so you don't have the time or capacity to worry about all that other stuff. Focus on the details, take notes, listen to feedback, etc.
I once had a subordinate ask to talk to me and he basically told me, "I am not an idiot - I just have social anxiety and I'm sorry I've been messing up." I didn't even know what he was talking about. He got a little overzealous on a couple things and I had to steer him back on track, but he was new to the job and I didn't think more of it than that. After our conversation I realized he must've been freaking out about things I didn't notice. I guarantee that a lot of things you're freaking out about no one has noticed.
posted by AppleTurnover at 1:10 AM on May 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
I once had a subordinate ask to talk to me and he basically told me, "I am not an idiot - I just have social anxiety and I'm sorry I've been messing up." I didn't even know what he was talking about. He got a little overzealous on a couple things and I had to steer him back on track, but he was new to the job and I didn't think more of it than that. After our conversation I realized he must've been freaking out about things I didn't notice. I guarantee that a lot of things you're freaking out about no one has noticed.
posted by AppleTurnover at 1:10 AM on May 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
I think you should stick it out and try to convert your moping into action. I don't want to be overly harsh because it does sound like you are earnestly struggling with some internal battles, but I don't think "trying your best" will produce meaningful outcomes for you as it is too passive.
1) Do you have some sort of regular meeting with your manager? If not, it's entirely appropriate to ask (even via email) for such a thing.
"Hi, I was wondering if we could set up a weekly one to one? I'd like to get some regular feedback from you to gauge my progress. Even just 15 minutes would be great, thank you!"
Or if you're not up for a regular feedback session, just ask for one 15 minute session and at the end of that, ask them if they would be up for another one the following week.
I know it can feel daunting at first but this is part of their job as your manager and the more often you meet with them, the easier it will be and more natural it will feel. This will give you a much clearer picture of your performance and early feedback on course correction.
2) Have you made any 'work friends' yet? I don't mean in a way they become social friends in any way, but the kind you just exchange innocuous pleasantries like "How's it going? How was your weekend? What are you currently working on right now"? etc...
I feel like you are really "othering" yourself and strongly suggest you start making steps towards feeling like you're part of a team, because you are. They are not competitors, they are your colleagues and your peers - really not that different from when you were doing your coursework but at least you're all finally getting paid, woo!
Good luck, I hope things get better for you.
posted by like_neon at 1:49 AM on May 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
1) Do you have some sort of regular meeting with your manager? If not, it's entirely appropriate to ask (even via email) for such a thing.
"Hi, I was wondering if we could set up a weekly one to one? I'd like to get some regular feedback from you to gauge my progress. Even just 15 minutes would be great, thank you!"
Or if you're not up for a regular feedback session, just ask for one 15 minute session and at the end of that, ask them if they would be up for another one the following week.
I know it can feel daunting at first but this is part of their job as your manager and the more often you meet with them, the easier it will be and more natural it will feel. This will give you a much clearer picture of your performance and early feedback on course correction.
2) Have you made any 'work friends' yet? I don't mean in a way they become social friends in any way, but the kind you just exchange innocuous pleasantries like "How's it going? How was your weekend? What are you currently working on right now"? etc...
I feel like you are really "othering" yourself and strongly suggest you start making steps towards feeling like you're part of a team, because you are. They are not competitors, they are your colleagues and your peers - really not that different from when you were doing your coursework but at least you're all finally getting paid, woo!
Good luck, I hope things get better for you.
posted by like_neon at 1:49 AM on May 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
Oh, sweetie, I feel your pain. Long story short, after a decade of working from home in a creative field I suddenly had to start my whole life over in a very technical field, working with the public. I was very awkward socially and not very good at my job. But I survived and things got better. Here are some things that worked for me.
1. I was honest about my anxiety, to an extent. I was very careful to not overdo it, but if I felt like I was badly fumbling during a conversation I might say, "You know, before this I was working from home for years. It's a big change to be out in the world again. Sometimes I feel a little rusty..." Being honest about this might help you relieve some stress, and it might also endear you to your more benevolent co-workers.
2. I tried extra hard to be nice. I never fawned over people, but I did offer sincere compliments and volunteer for things.
3. I paid extra attention to what everybody said in conversation, and asked lots of questions. I acted like everybody was fascinating. (And it wasn't just an act. People ARE pretty interesting!) I was the old person in the crew, but instead of feeling like I just didn't fit I tried to see it as an opportunity to get some new perspectives.
4. When I was badly screwing up a task, I asked a co-worker for help. I hated to ask, but I hated screwing up worse. I was grateful for any help I got and I'd pay people back in various ways. (Like I'd do some duty of theirs so they could leave a little early.) Then I got to work figuring out how to never screw up that task again.
I was dreading the social aspects of the job, but it was the best part. It made the days more fun. It got me out of my head. I liked learning about people. Admittedly my co-workers turned out to be nice people, and maybe yours all suck. But I bet there are some people there you'd be glad to know better.
Again, I was very, VERY shy and awkward, none of this came easily... but I did become quite friendly with my co-workers and stayed at that job until the company went out of business. I made my rawness work for me, by being honest and present. I think my co-workers found me weird and occasionally draining but I think they also liked me, and I like to think my difference was an asset at times.
Don't try to be somebody you're not. Figure out how to be yourself at work, the part of you that can thrive in a professional setting. And if this job doesn't work, there are other jobs out there. This one experience does not define you as an employee or as a person.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:07 AM on May 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
1. I was honest about my anxiety, to an extent. I was very careful to not overdo it, but if I felt like I was badly fumbling during a conversation I might say, "You know, before this I was working from home for years. It's a big change to be out in the world again. Sometimes I feel a little rusty..." Being honest about this might help you relieve some stress, and it might also endear you to your more benevolent co-workers.
2. I tried extra hard to be nice. I never fawned over people, but I did offer sincere compliments and volunteer for things.
3. I paid extra attention to what everybody said in conversation, and asked lots of questions. I acted like everybody was fascinating. (And it wasn't just an act. People ARE pretty interesting!) I was the old person in the crew, but instead of feeling like I just didn't fit I tried to see it as an opportunity to get some new perspectives.
4. When I was badly screwing up a task, I asked a co-worker for help. I hated to ask, but I hated screwing up worse. I was grateful for any help I got and I'd pay people back in various ways. (Like I'd do some duty of theirs so they could leave a little early.) Then I got to work figuring out how to never screw up that task again.
I was dreading the social aspects of the job, but it was the best part. It made the days more fun. It got me out of my head. I liked learning about people. Admittedly my co-workers turned out to be nice people, and maybe yours all suck. But I bet there are some people there you'd be glad to know better.
Again, I was very, VERY shy and awkward, none of this came easily... but I did become quite friendly with my co-workers and stayed at that job until the company went out of business. I made my rawness work for me, by being honest and present. I think my co-workers found me weird and occasionally draining but I think they also liked me, and I like to think my difference was an asset at times.
Don't try to be somebody you're not. Figure out how to be yourself at work, the part of you that can thrive in a professional setting. And if this job doesn't work, there are other jobs out there. This one experience does not define you as an employee or as a person.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:07 AM on May 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
A few days? At my current job it took at least 4 months before I got any productive work done, a year before I felt like I belonged, another year to realize that maybe I didn't belong, and then another year to realize that I was being silly, and yes I do belong.
posted by Geckwoistmeinauto at 4:25 AM on May 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Geckwoistmeinauto at 4:25 AM on May 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
The reason you "mope, not cope" and the reason you think you're broken is because you have massive anxiety and/or depression and you need help. Please, please get professional help. You are not broken. That is your anxiety/depression talking. You do not have to feel this way for the rest of your life, I promise. Get help.
posted by cooker girl at 5:49 AM on May 25, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by cooker girl at 5:49 AM on May 25, 2018 [4 favorites]
Tragedy, Comedy, Make it stop.
My friend, if it were possible to make anxiety and/or depression stop through sheer strength of will and perseverance, there would be a lot fewer people out there suffering. I'm not trying to Internet-diagnose you, but what you've written here is textbook and strongly suggests your mental health may be getting in the way of your life. Get yourself some help. It's not an instant fix, but in the end you will feel so much better.
posted by praemunire at 10:15 AM on May 25, 2018
My friend, if it were possible to make anxiety and/or depression stop through sheer strength of will and perseverance, there would be a lot fewer people out there suffering. I'm not trying to Internet-diagnose you, but what you've written here is textbook and strongly suggests your mental health may be getting in the way of your life. Get yourself some help. It's not an instant fix, but in the end you will feel so much better.
posted by praemunire at 10:15 AM on May 25, 2018
Response by poster: Hey everyone! I will be starting therapy - again - as soon I can. But thus far it hasn't really worked. The stories I tell myself are robust and treatment-resistant. But perhaps doing therapy in conjunction with a real job (for as long as I have it!) will be helpful.
posted by beigeness at 11:59 AM on May 25, 2018
posted by beigeness at 11:59 AM on May 25, 2018
The stories I tell myself are robust and treatment-resistant.
Again, the fact that you can actually identify these things as "stories I tell myself" will be helpful to you.
Anything you can do to remind yourself of their sheer absurdity will be useful, but the first step has to be gaining facility in noticing such a telling as quickly as possible after it starts to happen. It's hard to recast the doom and disaster voice or append an appropriate sound effect if you haven't yet noticed you're doing it.
Noticing quickly will be difficult, because as soon as you have the kind of emotionally triggering experience that habitually kicks one of these stories into gear, that very emotion is going to divert resources from the part of your brain that's good at noticing things. But like most difficult things, it will come easier with practice. And that's certainly something harmless and quite possibly helpful that you can do on your own before therapy can get started again.
posted by flabdablet at 7:59 PM on May 25, 2018
Again, the fact that you can actually identify these things as "stories I tell myself" will be helpful to you.
Anything you can do to remind yourself of their sheer absurdity will be useful, but the first step has to be gaining facility in noticing such a telling as quickly as possible after it starts to happen. It's hard to recast the doom and disaster voice or append an appropriate sound effect if you haven't yet noticed you're doing it.
Noticing quickly will be difficult, because as soon as you have the kind of emotionally triggering experience that habitually kicks one of these stories into gear, that very emotion is going to divert resources from the part of your brain that's good at noticing things. But like most difficult things, it will come easier with practice. And that's certainly something harmless and quite possibly helpful that you can do on your own before therapy can get started again.
posted by flabdablet at 7:59 PM on May 25, 2018
Response by poster: Ok, calming down and getting back to work.
I'm going to start journaling again to organize my thoughts.
Respect to anyone struggling at work they're not good at for a paycheck. Except for a certain blissfully unaware President.
Respect to anyone dealing with persistent pain or anxiety, whether its debt, migraines, whatever the cause. I think this is a pain management issue as well. In the thick of it, my brain feels like its on fire.
As was pointed out, there's no room in my hamster wheel for analysis or actual work stuff that would incrementally make things better. I might have to put my brain in receivership mode, summon the caretaker part of me that makes lists and gets things done. There's no end to the rabbit hole of shame, and there's no positive outcome. I can't keep going down this endless loop.
In the long run, this too shall pass. ("In the long run, we're all dead." "Shut up, brain!")
posted by beigeness at 10:31 AM on May 26, 2018
I'm going to start journaling again to organize my thoughts.
Respect to anyone struggling at work they're not good at for a paycheck. Except for a certain blissfully unaware President.
Respect to anyone dealing with persistent pain or anxiety, whether its debt, migraines, whatever the cause. I think this is a pain management issue as well. In the thick of it, my brain feels like its on fire.
As was pointed out, there's no room in my hamster wheel for analysis or actual work stuff that would incrementally make things better. I might have to put my brain in receivership mode, summon the caretaker part of me that makes lists and gets things done. There's no end to the rabbit hole of shame, and there's no positive outcome. I can't keep going down this endless loop.
In the long run, this too shall pass. ("In the long run, we're all dead." "Shut up, brain!")
posted by beigeness at 10:31 AM on May 26, 2018
I think this is a pain management issue as well. In the thick of it, my brain feels like its on fire.
My mom took about a year off when she was already pretty old, then went back to work. She said that going back to work was really hard for months.
Maybe part of the issue is just the level of physical demand on your no longer youthful body? It might help to think of it like training for a marathon. Read up on what serious athletes go through. It isn't pretty.
And maybe if you think of it that way, it will help you more effectively manage the stress by correctly attributing some of it to sheer physical duress. That will mess with your mind even without any personal baggage or mental health issues or social anxiety or self esteem issues.
posted by DoreenMichele at 10:38 AM on May 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
My mom took about a year off when she was already pretty old, then went back to work. She said that going back to work was really hard for months.
Maybe part of the issue is just the level of physical demand on your no longer youthful body? It might help to think of it like training for a marathon. Read up on what serious athletes go through. It isn't pretty.
And maybe if you think of it that way, it will help you more effectively manage the stress by correctly attributing some of it to sheer physical duress. That will mess with your mind even without any personal baggage or mental health issues or social anxiety or self esteem issues.
posted by DoreenMichele at 10:38 AM on May 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
It's possible your coworkers are superstars, you are crashing and burning, and your managers are super-judgmental (okay, having worked with non-technical management, that last part is depressingly plausible, but stick with me). On the other hand, it's possible that your self-evaluation isn't entirely reliable. You identify yourself as "a broken person" up front, which reinforces the idea, and suggests to me that you may be very self-critical. I'm a developer, and I've served as a team lead working with other developers at various levels of talent. I believe it takes three to six months to onboard new talent, so I'd encourage you to check your negative self-talk and give it some time.
I think you should give yourself a break. Slow down. Breathe. Don't talk yourself into quitting. If there are specific things you think you could do better, work on doing them better! If someone called you out for poor attention to detail, then, yeah, try to be more careful and focus more, sure. But just let yourself keep learning about the organization, your role, what you do. It probably gets better! New work environments usually take some adjustment.
Without knowing more about where you are and your org's policies, I can't be sure, but most places I've been have requirements about process when trying to let someone go. If nobody's making noises about performance improvement plans, I suspect you've got a bit of time, anyway. That gives you runway to improve, and/or look for other options.
posted by Alterscape at 4:45 PM on May 24, 2018 [26 favorites]